Handling Changing Friendships
Inside Out Weight Loss
Renee Stephens

Episode 34 - Handling Changing Friendships

As we become Naturally Slender, our relationships must evolve as well. Learn how others have adapted on today’s episode. Plus, what do we do when well-meaning friends encourage us to eat more than we want? Learn how to glide out of that sticky situation the Inside Out Weight Loss way.



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Renée Stephens: Welcome to Inside Out Weight Loss. I'm your host, Renée Stephens, and together we're accessing the control panel of your mind-body system, bringing ease and joy to your weight loss journey, and fullness to the rest of your life. On today's show, what to do when well-meaning friends push food on us. We'll learn how to glide right out of that sticky situation.
            Science can do a lot, but science cannot create life from scratch. It can duplicate the life creation process that is natural, but it can't create life from scratch. So appreciate the miracle of being alive. And as you do that, also tune into your emotional experience, what I would call ego selfishness. Enlightened selfishness, on the other hand, is, in a way, spiritual selfishness. It's selfishness because we know that we must take exquisite care of ourselves so that we can give to others. So that we can be present in our lives, so that we can enjoy lives, and honor the gift of life and a body that we have been given. And especially after last week's guided journey, you might be noticing that there's a little bit more to this than just dropping a few pounds, that it really does affect not just what you look like, but really who you are. All the way up to the levels of who you are and your soul and your spirit and integration at those levels.
            So let's take a moment to arrive and be present for this episode of Inside Out Weight Loss. Let's be present with ourselves. We do this at the beginning of every episode, because it's so important to be present in this moment. This is what Acartole's talking about when he talks about the power of now, and this is what so many spiritual masters talk about as well. Being present in the moment. That we have everything we need in this moment now. So simply notice that. You're alive, your heart is beating, your body is functioning, you're here with me, maybe you're working out, maybe you're falling asleep, these seem to be favorite activities of Inside Out Weight Loss listeners while they're listening to this show I've noticed. So let's be present with our bodies, with our selves, with our experience, with our emotional experience. Last episode we took some moments to appreciate our aliveness, and all that is happening in our bodies even while we're at rest. Even when we're just living the miracle of each breath that we take, the miracle of each moment that we're alive. Science can do a lot, but science cannot create life from scratch. It can duplicate the life creation process that is natural, but it can't create life from scratch, so appreciate the miracle of being alive. And as you do that, also tune in to your emotional experience. I've noticed that some people that struggle with their weight, particularly people who are often actually very overweight, have a hard time tuning into their feelings, tuning into the feelings in their bodies. Now sometimes, this is a result of some sort of trauma in their lives, and I've spoken about this on earlier episodes. Sometimes if there's a very painful or traumatic event in our lives, we learn to turn off feeling because we think that all feeling is scary, all feeling represents pain, when the reality is that yes, there was pain in a given moment or given experience, but when we shut ourselves off from pain, we also shut ourselves off from pleasure. So let's be present to the pleasure of this moment. Perhaps there's pleasure in you're at a comfortable temperature, or there's clear air you could take a deep breath of right now. Be present with you and appreciate the fullness of the moment and our time together on this episode of Inside Out Weight Loss.
            Of course, now it's time to go ahead and set our intention for this episode. To go ahead and allow it to arise what would we like to experience today. Is today a day of continuous improvement? A day of self correction? Or a day of breakthrough? Whatever it is, set your intention now. My intention, as you know, is to allow you to achieve your intention, not just for this episode, but for your whole journey. Easily, and as quickly or as slowly as you like. Time is one of those rubber band things anyway, isn't it. You ever notice how quickly time passes when you're in a flow state, when you're really immersed in something at work or with your family, or even at a movie, you may not even notice time passing. It all seems like it's an instant. And other times, time seems  to go by very very slowly, as madonna says in that song of hers, "Time Goes By So Slowly", I will not attempt to sing here, however. Let's just Madonna do it, she does it so much better than I would.
            However, time is an elastic concept. And so the speed or the pace of your journey is something that can seem quicker or slower depending on your experience, depending on your enjoyment of the process. That's the irony isn't it. The more that you're in a flow state, the more that you enjoy the process, the quicker it seems to go. And you barely notice it. Whereas the more that you are unhappy with your process the slower that it seems to go. So once again, we come back to that same concept don't we, that same lesson, which is that feel good now lesson, the enjoy the journey lesson. One of the things that's kind of interesting about the hypnotic state that you may not know, is that there's a sense of time distortion that happens. Often if I take a client into a hypnotic trance, we may be in that process for 45 minutes and I'll ask them afterwards "How long did that seem for you?" and they'll say "Oh, 15 minutes or so?" and be truly amazed that 45 minutes they're opening their eyes. So, I invite you to have your journey go as quickly or as slowly as you want. Oh yes, and lets connect in with all of the other listeners of this show across space and time. And to help them, support them in achieving their intent, send them positive energy as you receive that energy back many many times magnified over. My intention for this episode is to help you achieve yours, to end the weight struggle and replace it with connection. Today, I'm thinking about connection, and today's episode will dedicate to connection, to being connected to others, to being connected to spirit, to being connected to light, love, and joy. Whatever it is that you'd like to be connected to. I'd like to take a moment to remind you of the really important lesson that we discussed a couple of episodes ago. We talked about the concept of enlightened selfishness, you know, the put your own oxygen mask on first lesson. Putting our own needs first before those of others, which does seem horribly selfish, doesn't it. It seems like exactly what we're not supposed to do. If we're going to be virtuous beings, we're meet to give give give to others, right? We're meant to get all our joy from giving to others. And yet, what happens if we do that? Some of us have given it the good ol' college try now haven't we? We have given and given and given until there is nothing left, until the well is dry. And the body is often big at the same time. Not a good combination. So maybe there's a point of clarification here. Maybe what I'm talking about, when I say enlightened selfishness, its more like spiritual selfishness, more like treating ourselves the way that someone who truly loves us would want to treat us, as opposed to the kind of selfishness that's often spoken about, which is more of an ego selfishness, doing things because we need to feed...I guess what Freud would have called the weakened ego, or an ego that is in need of reinforcement because it has in inferiority complex, because it feels the need to aggrandize itself at the expense of others. That's what I would call ego selfishness. Enlightened selfishness, on the other hand, is, in a way, spiritual selfishness. It's selfishness because we know that we must take exquisite care of ourselves so that we can give to others, so that we can be present in our lives, so that we can enjoy lives, and honor the gift of life and a body that we have been given. That's what enlightened selfishness is about. It's about putting ourselves first no matter what, because otherwise there would be no us to help others.
            I love to hear what you think about what you think about this and how you're applying it to your life, so I'll post an article on the blog, and please go there and let me know how you're experiencing enlightened selfishness in your life, and what you thing about it. The blog of course is at www.personallifemedia.com/renee.
            In a moment I want to talk to you more about plateaus. We spent several episodes talking about them, and last episode we actually did a guided journey of integration to help you integrate the you you are becoming into the you you are today at seven different levels. It's time for break now, and after the break, we'll talk more about the importance of that integration, and I'll tell you some fun stories about how it works and why it relates to plateaus. This is Renée Stephens, and you're listening to Inside Out Weight Loss on Personal Life Media.

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Renée Stephens: We're back now. Before the break we were talking about the importance of enlightened selfishness. And now I'd like to talk to you some more about the importance of integration, about integrating the you you are becoming with the you that you are right now. As you recall last episode, we took a guided journey of integration, of seven levels of integration, all the way from the environment, through actions, thoughts, beliefs, identity, soul, and spirit. Before we go further with this, I'd like to just go ahead and share with you some of the comments from the Yahoo group about what people are thinking about plateaus, what is some of the questions, or what has everyone discovered about their plateaus, and I'd like to share with you what some of those listeners had to say. This is some really great stuff. One listener says, "I've decided that mine, my plateau, is a gift, because I'm discovering that I have truly integrated exercise into my life, and I feel naturally slender in that area." Beautiful! Another listener writes, "During my plateaus, I've learned to appreciate my current weight and my achievements in physical fitness. My exercise habits have greatly improved since I've started listening to Renée's podcasts in December. I work out five times a week and my body is thankful for it." Now there's an accomplishment, five times a week is fantastic for working out! Wonderful! The health benefits of that will be accruing to you for years to come. Another listener writes, "As for me, plateaus have been very enlightening on this journey. They taught me that when switching my diet, it isn't about losing weight for a period of time, but making a lasting change for good." Exactly. Because the reality is that we can be naturally slender any and every day, right now. Naturally slender isn't about the body that you have, it's about the way that you are. It's about the way that you think. So you can be naturally slender right now and today, and if you continue to be naturally slender, today and tonight and tomorrow and next month and so on, your body is going to catch up. And so other people will see that you are naturally slender. Right now you know, you can have it right now and be successful today. And eventually, others will be able to see it as well. Here's another interesting comment from a listener: "I have to say that before I heard Inside Out Weight Loss podcast, plateaus for me were the signal for me to give up." And isn't that the case for so many people? Anyway, she writes, "This time it's been different, and during my last plateau, I noticed that I felt better physically. The gym classes were a breeze, and as soon as I started to loose weight, I caught a cold and felt miserable, but it could have been a coincidence. Well, it probably wasn't a coincidence, it was probably one of those inner objections coming up." Anyway, she continues to say that this time she's kept to her plan with the support of the Yahoo group, and her weight is starting to go down again, and she's very grateful to the group. This is such cool stuff I just love it.
            Ok, lets talk for a little bit about the journey that you're on, your transformation to becoming naturally slender, more and more time, increasing episodes and peace and balance, we might call it. And especially after last weeks guided journey, you might be noticing that there's a little bit more to this than just dropping a few pounds, that it really does affect not just what you look like, but really who you are. All the way up to the levels of who you are and your soul and your spirit and integration at those levels. And I want to tell you that when I was in the process of losing my weight and changing my behaviors, I found that a lot of my friendships needed to shift. Now this can seem challenging, you think "Oh my gosh, I don't want to be disloyal or change all my friends!", yet at the same time you're changing. I have one client who noticed she had a whole set of what she called "fat friends" and then she transformed, she developed a set of "fit friends". So she had her "fat friends" and her "fit friends". And she was at a luncheon one day with her "fit friends" and everybody was talking about their workouts, their bicycle rides, and their runs and their this and their that, and she was joining the conversation because she's now a very fit person. And she left that luncheon, she realized that she was one of them now, she really connected with those people and had those same interests. Now, some of her friends from her "fat friend" group, she also really connected with, and some of them she didn't connect so well with anymore. And so some adjustments in her friend network had to take place, and these adjustments can be tough, they can be awkward. We want to invite our friends to be with us, we want to connect with our friends. Not in a judgmental ways, or even in an Evangelical way. We want to identify with them, we want to connect with them in a genuine way. Hey, this is what I'm going' through, I'm really enjoying it, It's a fascinating journey for me. And in that way we can invite them to join us on our journey if they're interested, becauser if they're interested, they'll be asking'. And if they don't wanna know, that'll be pretty darn clear too. So it's important to understand and acknowledge that process. I wanna share with you that when I was doing' all my work on myself and I was losing' the weight, yes my friends changed, and the funniest thing was that my boyfriends changed too. So my first boyfriend was a little off kilter, in fact he ended up being hospitalized in a mental institution for what I think ended up being schizophrenia. Paranoid schizophrenia I believe, something like that. Yes, that's where I started. My next boyfriend was in fact a compulsive lier who was living with another woman while he was dating me, of course unbenounced to me. Hmm, course that one he was really something very nice to look at but my God he was a compulsive lier. My he had no idea of the level of lies that he was spinning, I don't think he even knew himself. Anyway, and I graduated as I become healthier. As I learned to take good care of myself, the boyfriends that I was attracted to and that were attracted to me got better too. So that's an extra added bonus that the people that will be attracted into your life will change as you change. One of my clients right now is noticing she's in a magical space right now where all these--just the right people for who she wants to connect with are manifesting for her. So she wanted to have a workout but low and behold she's in the pool and she starts chatting with someone who invites her to an exercise class and off they go and they have connections professionally it turns out and they're becoming friends. So you'll start attracting people who are where you are, and just allow that to happen, be open to that process, even though it can be a little scary or bumpy along the way. And that's why we go through the integration journey, that's why we think about it at these various levels, because we're changing at multiple levels. I have a young client in her twenties right now who has a long time binge buddy: her mother. Clearly her relationship with her mother will be evolving as she evolves. You might think well gosh, how the heck is that going to happen? In a way that's OK, because she really values her connection with her mother, it's a very important connection, and it's important that it be honored, and not just dropped like a hot potato, or an outfit that doesn't fit anymore. So what do you do? Well I'll tell you what one of my clients did. She just lost about 40 pounds and she feels very different in the world and very different in her family. She became uncomfortable around her sister and her daughter because she'd always been the fat one, and they had always been the thin ones. Now her role had changed, and all of them seemed to be having trouble adapting because she showed up differently in the world. Well, what do we do with that? How does she adjust to that? And one of the adjustments that she made was becoming more at peace with who she is now and then seeing the best in her sister and the best in her daughter. Associating with the higher selfs of her sister and her daughter, rather than with the--her perception of her sister and her daughter. So rather than when her sister would say, "Oh please go ahead and have this extra slice of pie." Rather than say "Oh no, I shouldn't erer.", she'd say, "You know, thanks, I'm really good." And if her sister says something like, "Oh but I think you're getting too skinny, I'm worried about you." she might say rather than "Oh don't say that, you're raining on my parade here." Right that's one way to react if you're sensitive to it, or another way to react once you're more integrated, or pretending, at least acting as if you're more integrated, would be to say "You know, thanks very much, but I'm actually feeling really good now, I'm really good, I'm really in tune with my body, and I am good. I'm good. Thank you for your concern."
            So connecting with them at a different level than before. Some other relationships will fade away, and some will become stronger as a result. So if you're worried about how other people will react to your changing self, then the first order of business is to become at peace yourself with your changing self. To become at peace with self, with your changing self, before expecting other people to be at peace with it. I've noticed that I remember when I stopped eating sweets, which I didn't eat for, well, sixteen years actually, I now eat them in moderation by the way. But when I first stopped eating them, I was confused about how I should talk about it, if someone said "Oh come on please, have this extra piece." and I learned that it all depended on how I reacted. So if I said, "You know what, um, oh no I really shouldn't." then that would be their que to push me. Because what do they want, they want to host the hostess. They want me to have a good time. And if they think I'll have a better time by eating the cake or the pie or the this or the that, then they're going to push on me because they simply want me to have a good time. On the other hand, when I reacted in a different way, when I said "You know what, no thanks, I'm good. I'm really good.", then that was it. They just simply moved on because they were satisfied that I was good. That I was having a fine time already, and so they're happy, because that's all they really cared about. It all depends on the way that you react on the energy that you project. So practice, pretend being completely OK with where you are today, and not projecting conflict on other people or projecting their lack of acceptance on the changes you've made. What if you were completely OK with it and peaceful with it. Just experiment with that. Try that out. That brings us to the end of our show today, thank you for being present.
            If you enjoyed this show and are a user of iTunes, in fact even if you're not, I would love for you to go on iTunes and add your five star review. The more reviews this shows has, the higher the rankings on iTunes, and the more likely it is to be featured to attract more listeners and enlarge the Inside Out Weight Loss community. So if you have a moment and you haven't done so already, I would love for you to go to iTunes and add your five star review. Go into iTunes, put Inside Out Weight Loss into the search engine, and up will pop inside out weight loss, and you'll have an opportunity to scroll down and add your review. It's another way to be involved in your journey.
            As you know there's a robust online community that's developed around this show: a Yahoo group, a sparkpeople.com group, a fatsecret.com group, a Facebook group, all sorts of groups for you to join. So go ahead and check out the blog, check out the Yahoo group, and become involved in the way that best works for you.
            For other shows on the Personal Life Media Network, visit our website at PersonalLifeMedia.com. This is your host, Renée Stephens, and I am on a mission to irradiate the weight struggle from the planet, replacing it with connection, light and love. Join me as we evolve the world by evolving ourselves. Take good care.

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