Episode 71: Dr. Alex Benzer: Tao of Dating for Women

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I love when men want to share their insights with us on how to be a Modern Goddess. This is a very touchy subject for me and I maybe you too, so I take care to pick authors and experts whose hearts I can feel while they are delivering their content to us. I like Dr. Alex Benzer, with a BA from Harvard and a MD from UC San Diego, he has probably spent more time getting an education than he has spent doing anything else so I really wanted to hear what he has to us.

What I get is this: The whole world is changing rapidly. With the economy the way it is, now more than ever we need to practice mental clarity and stay focused on what we want versus what we don't have or don't want. This skill completely translates into intimate relationships.

Dr. Alex talks to us about his new book, The Tao of Dating for Women, The Smart Woman's Guide to Embracing your Inner Goddess and Finding the Fulfillment you Deserve. We hear about "Bad Boys" and what we can expect from their behavior which might look like romance, spontaneity and love on the outside but could really be an indicator of serious trouble ahead.

We talk a lot about busting up fantasies about how life or our lovers should be. We discuss characteristics of the Modern Goddess and why men are aching for this type of woman in their lives. Of course it wouldn't be a complete show if we didn't talk about sex, so Dr. Alex tells us what men's secret fears about sex are, as well as the importance of our own sexual know how in the bedroom. Tune in and turn on your awareness!

Transcript

This program is brought to you by PersonalLifeMedia.com. This program is intended for mature audiences only.

Alissa Kriteman: Welcome to "Just for Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex.” I'm your host Alissa Kriteman. This show is dedicated to providing today's modern women with useful information they need to make empowered, conscious choices. This week we continue the focus of talking to male experts, and on today's show we're talking about applying Eastern philosophies and practices to a modern dating world. On the show today, we'll discuss the concept of being a goddess and why that idea is appealing to men. We'll discuss what we need to know about masculine/feminine polarity, as well as the characteristics of bad boys and a little bit of a different spin on what we can expect from them. Our guest today is Dr. Alex Benzer, relationship expert and coach for both men and women. Welcome to "Just for Women," Dr. Alex!

Dr. Alex Benzer: Great to be here, Alissa! Thanks for having me on.

Alissa Kriteman: You're welcome! I want to tell my listeners a little bit about who you are. So Dr. Alex holds an AB, not a BA, from Harvard College--which is the same thing, but in Latin, I found out--as well as an MD from the University of California, San Diego School of Medicine, and a Master’s in philosophy from Cambridge University. So Alex, you've spent a lot of time studying, my friend!

Dr. Alex Benzer: Yes, I did! And I'll tell you one thing; none of it was any good for dating! So...and that's partially why this book exists, is because there's all these really smart, really accomplished, really successful men and women out there, but nobody ever teaches them anything about how to get along with another person, how to make a meaningful connection, how to get a date, how to make that date go well...and so, that was the inspiration for creating this book. Seeing all these women out there, who really had amazing things going for them there. They’re beautiful. They're talented. They're successful. They're really smart and yet, this part of their life really wasn't taken care of and they were, frankly, suffering. They're either couldn't get a good relationship going, or they were in a relationship with the wrong kind of guy, or it was just so frustrating for them they had given up on the enterprise entirely. So that's where this book came in, so they would have a guide. They would have an actual way of going about doing this, going step-by-step. And usually these smart people, when you give them a book to do something, they do it really well!

Alissa Kriteman: Awesome! So you're saying that it's not just mental capacity and intelligence that's going to get us the relationships that we want, but something way deeper. And I'm very interested to talk to you about that. You also wrote a book called "The Tao of Dating: The Thinking Man's Enlightened Guide to Success with Women," as well as what we're going to talk about today, "The Tao of Dating for Women: The Smart Woman's Guide to Embracing Your Inner Goddess and Finding the Fulfillment You Deserve." Very juicy stuff! So I know that my listeners really care about how to deal effectively with men, especially in this, you know, kind of wild, modern dating world--with online dating and all kinds of things that are so representative of the scene today. So I'm really psyched to talk to you, and some of the things I want to talk about are...some of the really great things that you capitalize on in your book, which is how to make a man fall in love with you, bring out the best in him. I really like your piece on the tell tale signs of bad boys! And not only...I mean, we've all heard bad boys before, and we know they're not good for us, and there's something in our unconscious that's attracting them or something really primal and biological, but you have a nice spin on it. And you look at, you know, if this is the behavior a man is exhibiting, this is what you can expect. So I'm excited to talk about that as well as the fears men have about sex and the importance of sexual know-how. So I really am grateful to have you on the show today!

Dr. Alex Benzer: I'm thrilled to be here and I want to convey as much useful information to your listeners as possible!

Alissa Kriteman: Great! Well let's start with this concept of being a goddess. You know, you talk about that in your...the title of your book "Embracing Your Inner Goddess," and what are you talking about when you say that?

Dr. Alex Benzer: Well the idea is actually not that esoteric and not that complicated. The idea is we all have a certain notion of what a goddess is in our minds. And goddess is radiance, the goddess is grace, the goddess is compassion, kindness, the goddess is someone who supports her companion. And all these things are accessible to any woman at any given time. There is no physical impediment to exhibiting these qualities. You can be kind. You can be compassionate.  You can radiate, you can do all these things and it's all about you going first. And that's something that a lot of women seem to have forgotten, especially my friends, my professional friends. Because what they do is they sit there and say, "Oh!" You know? "I feel so small! I don't feel empowered!" and yet the power is always within you. All those qualities are there for you. And for example, if you're the kind of woman who can make her man feel like he's fifty feet tall, and can go conquer anything, and go best be the best possible version of himself, and be the kind of guy that he's always imagined himself to be, always wanted himself to be; if you are the woman who is the catalyst for that, than he has nowhere to go and you automatically get goddess status. And the other thing about, kind of, doing what the goddess does in achieving goddess status, is that when you aren't doing those things, when you are loving, when you are kind, when you are compassionate, when you are gracious--you're feeling the fulfillment already. You are already glowing and you feel so great that the journey has already been the reward. And sure, if you have a guy in your life then that's icing on the cake, but you are the cake, and you have the cake and that's you and all the feelings that you're generating for yourself by being that kind of person, who is really a light unto the world. And it's a matter of choosing to do that and it's accessible to any woman right now. And that's the first principle of how to be a modern goddess. The goddess exists in the now. And--

Alissa Kriteman: Well what do you have to say about...well what do you have to offer women who hear these characteristics of the goddess, but have some kind of unconscious block of how to access compassion, how to access kindness, how to access...how to even know how to support a man?

Dr. Alex Benzer: Right. Well, you start somewhere. And as I said, the goddess exists in the now. And so, we always have some kind of excuse holding us back from doing the things that truly fulfill us, and I use the example of age. People, for example, are insecure about their age, right? And so they think oh, you know, I'm too old to do that or I'm to young to do that. But when you're a kid, you're trying to be older so you can reach the high shelf of the cookie jar. You get a little older. You're an adolescent and you're like, oh! I'm all awkward! I don't want to be in this place! I want to be in high school or college! Right? You get there and you're like, oh! I want to be out in the workforce. I want to be working; you know, have a job and make money. And then you get there and then you start having kids, and how are you going to pay the mortgage and think aw! I wish I were a kid again! So when do you start to feel adequate, right? So the point is if you go by that way, you will always be inadequate. In a similar way, you can always think, okay, I have this block. I can't be compassionate. But the fact is, there are small ways in which you can start doing this stuff to break out of your comfort zone. And a lot of this is about people staying in their comfort zone, because that's what's comfortable, and that's kind of what human inertia leads you them to do. And the idea is that everything that you want in life is going to be outside your comfort zone. Because if it's already in your comfort zone, then you already have that thing and you don't want it. The thing that you want, the growth that you want, the prosperity that you want, the partnership that you want will always be outside your comfort zone. So you have to kind of accept the doubtless thing, which is that this is the way the world is You have to actually breach your comfort zone. Do stuff that is slightly out of the ordinary, slightly uncomfortable and that's how you get to grow. That's how you get to fulfillment.

Alissa Kriteman: So you could almost say it's okay to make mistakes, you know? I know in our culture it's kind of the big thing to avoid making mistakes, and...So it feels like you're saying two things. Get outside of your comfort zone! Get out there! It's okay to make mistakes, but also this shift in perspective or thinking. If women are thinking, there's these limiting beliefs. I'm too old! I can't do it! Hahaha! I've never done it before. I don't know how! To actually shift those thinking mechanisms, so do you have any sort of exercise, or--I don't know--method, practice for women to shift their thinking about who they are if it comes up in a--

Dr. Alex Benzer: Absolutely!  Absolutely. So as a hypnotherapist, I believe that behavioral change only comes through action. You have to actually do stuff, feel it in your bones, and that's how you get behavioral change. So, you know, there are a lot of self-help books out there and if they worked people wouldn't have entire shelves of them and after the first one, they wouldn't buy anymore. But the fact is that they keep on buying them right? So why is that?

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah! Why is that?

Dr. Alex Benzer: Why is that? Because it didn't actually change anything!  So that's what I really like about hypnosis, and meditation, and all these things that create real behavioral change. So if you want we can do a quick little exercise about embodying the goddess, because this actually really gets down to people's bones and you feel it and you're like oh wow, okay! This is now different. Now I can...when you feel the differently, then you can behave differently. When you behave differently, you start getting different results. So do we have a couple minutes to do the "Embodying the Goddess" exercise?

Alissa Kriteman: Let's embody the goddess!

Dr. Alex Benzer: All right. And now, I got to tell you, it feels kind of funny being the guy and telling women how to embody the goddess! But the fact is, you know, I've been observing women for a while and noticing what makes them radiant and noticing what makes them very attractive, as a man. And so that's kind of where I'm reporting from. It's like, okay; I can see that this increases your radiance. I see that this decreases your radiance. So that's what this exercise is about. So--

Alissa Kriteman: It is kind of funny! I was going to ask you about that, but I was going to wait a little bit, before--

Dr. Alex Benzer: No, I mean--

Alissa Kriteman: I love when men are offering these very intimate...I mean this is a very vulnerable thing for a woman. And that's the piece I wanted to bring up, before we go and embody the goddess with you, Dr. Alex! Is that it's a very tender place for women, because myself included, you know, we are not educated as young women to...into these ideas and concepts about compassion, and support, and kindness and, you know, being radiant and devotional. It's like, what? You know? I had to leave the east coast, come to California and then start opening up to these ideas. It's just not something that's built into our culture, you know, into the mainstream. And so I like to approach these ideas with a lot of tenderness, because it can be very disorienting for women to...who have their whole life been raised in this sort of masculine world, that I know we'll talk about that more later with the masculine/feminine polarity. But it's very tender and I appreciate that you've taken the time to, you know, show us an exercise. Because what you're saying ultimately, is this is what men want and this is what men need. We don't need women to be masculinized women. We need women to be in their feminine. And so, I just want to kind of set the context for why you would even create an "Embodying the Goddess" exercise for women and then to hold that with the care that it needs, because it's something that I know women struggle with a lot!

Dr. Alex Benzer: No, and that's really an observation and very well put. And this is what the world needs; it's not just what men need. And it's actually what empowers the woman herself. Because you know, you're going to be a lot better at being the best woman possible, than being the best guy possible, and so much of today's work involves masculine functions and managing things and doing things. And every creature has both yin and yang--feminine and masculine--energy within him and her, and yet we have a dominant tone as well. And for the woman the dominant energy tends to be yin. And so when that yin is forgotten, in the midst of all this work of instrumentality and doing things, and that's brought back to the home then intimacy can suffer. And the connection between men, women and the polarity can suffer. And we can talk about that a little later on, but why don't we jump into the exercise now! It's a quick one and yet the shift can be pretty dramatic, if you do this properly. So basically this is called "Embodying the Goddess" and the idea is, what does the word goddess mean to you? So, let alone my definition or Alissa's definition, what does it mean to you, the listener? And take a few minutes to write down what comes to mind, as you complete this sentence: to be the goddess is to be the embodiment of "blank." And here's some ideas, perhaps to get you started: wisdom, beauty, grace, joy, sensuality, nurturance, passion, kindness, forgiveness, strength, radiance. So take some time to really compile this list and think about it, and when you have your list take a moment to imagine what it would be like if you were to embody those characteristics. So right now pick one or two that just came to mind, and just make that mental picture. What would you look like? How would you move differently? What would it feel like in your body? And perhaps even imagine a few situations you're going to be in this week or situations that already happened, and notice how you would handle them differently if you were embodying the goddess, embodying these qualities that you just put down. What would you say? How would you act? Even imagine some scenarios in the future at home, at work or in a social setting. And notice what you see about yourself that's different. And finally imagine yourself interacting with a man you're interested in, and maybe even a former or future companion, and notice the quality of that connection and how the relationship unfolds differently from before. So this is a recording, so you can rewind this, listen to it again, do the exercise and really get into it. It just takes about four minutes or so to get into this exercise and really feel that shift, because this is what empowerment is. You already have all the tools. You already have all the power. It's just a matter of acknowledging it and uncovering it within you.

Alissa Kriteman: I really like that. I really like what you just said, because I was thinking when you said that, well what if women don't have the modeling, you know, to actually see and experience what it is to be the embodiment of love or devotion. Like what if they've never seen that? But what your saying is, no! It's already inside of you! You intuitively know what it feels like and looks like and can generate that, yeah?

Dr. Alex Benzer: Exactly. And that's the whole thing! It’s already there. This is about reclaiming power you already have. It’s not necessarily about learning anything new. In the end of the book I say, you know, I haven't taught you anything you didn't already know and I cannot teach you anything you don't already know. It's already in there.

Alissa Kriteman: Awesome! All right, cool! Well let's take a break and this is will be a break to support my sponsors. And listeners, I know you want to get some great discounts on things that would enhance your life! So! I'd love it if you would listen to the ads that are coming up. They're created by my sponsors for my show and they help me bring these great experts like Dr. Alex to you. So if you can support them, I'd really appreciate it. This is Alissa Kriteman, I'm with Dr. Alex Benzer, relationship expert, philosopher...clinical hypnotherapist. I almost called you a psychotherapist, you have so many letters after you name! [laughter]

Dr. Alex Benzer: I'm trying to collect the entire set, the entire twenty-six.

Alissa Kriteman: You have a whole alphabet after your name! So we'll be right back with more about this whole, really, being the goddess in this day and age, and how to be more effective in dating. We'll be right back.

[BREAK]

Alissa Kriteman: We're back! I'm Alissa Kriteman. We're talking with Dr. Alex Benzer about how to navigate effectively in this modern dating world and how to embody the goddess. We just did a great exercise, so I really like that we have that in our toolkit now. So before the break we were talking about, you know, what are some of the characteristics of the goddess and why that's important in dating and in relationships. So, now I want to talk a little bit about these bad boys!

Dr. Alex Benzer: Bad Boys!

Alissa Kriteman: I think it's important, for those out there in the dating world, you know? You know, "bad boys!" You know that song? It's almost like from the 80's or something! But I want you to talk a little about the particular spin you put on bad boys. Because I've never heard it in quite the way you said it. You said that, you know, when men are exhibiting a particular behavior, this is what you can expect. And you said things like if a man wants to move fast it might look like romance, but it's really this and this is what you can expect. Can you talk a little bit about that?

Dr. Alex Benzer: Sure! So first of all, let me give you my simple definition of what a bad boy is. So a bad boy exists and conjures distinction to the good guy, which we discuss as well. And the bad boy simply, a boy--as opposed to a man--who is going to bring you more pain than joy in the long term. So there is nobody who is all good and there is nobody who is all bad, so the bad boy is obviously going to be charming and very fun in many ways. However, we're saying net long-term effect is it's going to take away from your fulfillment. And so that's what makes them bad boys! So obviously there's something very appealing about them, which is why we write about them, because women tend to gravitate towards them. And the idea is just that, go into whatever you’re going into with awareness. Just know what you're signing up for. And a lot of women think they can change the bad boy or oh, wow, you know, this is such a great romance! Oh, I'm going to marry this guy! And I just want women to be aware of what they're signing up for, because often what they think is going to happen, is not exactly how things are going to unfold. So...and I would say if you were to boil down the best, the simplest way to spot a bad boy is the presence of extremes. Any kind of extremes...so extremes of slovenliness and an extremely tidy bachelor pad that's a woman trap. Okay, well you may have a bad boy on our hands, right? Moving things too quickly or moving things too slowly? Okay, that may be something too. So you brought up the example of moving things along too quickly. And the bad boys, a lot of them genuinely like women, but that's not what we're concerned about. What we're concerned about is your well-being in the long term, right? So what's going to happen is he's going to think he's in love with you, and he's going to make these early declarations of affection and they're going to be genuine too. And he's going to propose going on a weekend getaway within fifteen minutes of meeting you and he has no problem doing that. And to you it looks, for all the world like, spontaneity, and joie de vive and romance! This is great, right? But as Shakespeare said in "Romeo and Juliet," you know, things that have violent beginnings have violent ends. So something that goes up so quickly is going to come down just as quickly. So--

Alissa Kriteman: I have a quick question

Dr. Alex Benzer: Mmhmm.

Alissa Kriteman: Sorry to cut you off, but--

Dr. Alex Benzer: Please.

Alissa Kriteman: You said something about, you know, he might not even know...I mean, what he's saying is valid, so typically are these guys unaware of their behavior? Are they over there calculating? Because in my mind I think, oh! They’re very calculating. But are you alluding to that men might be unconscious, that they're even doing what they're doing? That they're just trying to get you in some position, because they're unconscious about what they're doing and needing.

Dr. Alex Benzer: Well I would say it ranges the entire spectrum. And, you know, I...when given a chance I think it's better to attribute any kind of behavior not to malice, but to lack of consciousness or just kind of, you know, this is the way the person is built. But the fact is, there are some guys out there doing it very deliberately as well. And so if you got...and I mentioned those guys also got, you know, this whole class of pick up artists out there who do certain things and say certain things at just the right time. They touch you just the right way. And, you know, they kind of push the physical interaction very early on and, you know, all these things. That's the calculating mode and you should be aware of that too, because if that's what's happening, then they're going to hurt you consciously, right? And they're going to get what they want, in order to get what they want. Whereas the other guys are going to hurt you unconsciously. What I'm concerned about here is you not getting hurt. So either way, what we're looking for here is fulfillment, and fulfillment is how you feel. It's a feeling. It's not a person. So it's never...it's not personal.  It's like, hey am I getting what I need to get out of this. If so, carry on. If not, perhaps it's time to reconsider.

Alissa Kriteman: Right. So women clearly hear tell tale signs. You know, but I really like what you're saying, because it really is about being aware and consciousness in this day and age. And we're talking more and more about spirituality and tapping into ourselves. You talked about meditation. You talked about this visualization. And I really like that, where, you know, culture, media, where we're going with this. Because what we're saying, it sounds like go inside! You have the answers! Trust your body! Trust that you deserve to be with a fantastic man and if you're not fulfilled, move on. And you know, we definitely talked about seduction artists and this art of pick-up before. What's something that you can offer to women about, what if they do find themselves in a situation where something just feels creepy? Like the way this guy is talking to them. Maybe it feels good that he touched her arm, or what not, but like, not to be duped. I mean, I think that's the biggest thing that you’re saying too. Like, ladies don't be duped!

Dr. Alex Benzer: Right! Absolutely. And again, there's nothing wrong with having a fling, if that's what you're signing up for. If you know you're getting into that consciously. What you don't want to happen is to think you're getting into something much more substantial, and end up being a fling, and you end up being not too pleased with it. So basically women have the power of controlling how fast the interaction goes. So I would say wield that power. So if you have the choice of say, not going out with a guy again, or not calling him back, or something like that. Then if you felt in anyway that this guy was not exactly what you're looking for, there's something off about it, then you can yield that option. However, at the same time, I also say that if there was some kind of connection there, you should give it a chance and you should give at least a second chance, if not a third one. Because so many times I have talked to married couples, and I ask the woman, who's always entertaining, "How'd you guys meet?" And the woman will immediately pipe up and say, "You know what?  I really didn't like him the first time I met him!" And that comes back to the whole idea of killing the prince. Because there's this notion that there's some perfect guy out there and he's going to come in totally rust proof armor, and a nice white horse, and he's going to sweep you off your feet and take you to the ballet, right? And that notion is just as dangerous as the notion of, you know, going out with a bad boy, seeing if it's going to turn into something else. Real mean inhabit the real world and every relationship is going to have some degree of compromise involved. So you mold to him and he molds to you. And the idea is that to get rid of those idealized notions and appreciate the person who's in front of you for what he has to offer. And if what he has to offer is the kind of fulfillment that you’re looking for, then perhaps you have to owe it to yourself to let to go a couple more chances, if you didn't think there was that instant spark. Because, you know, if there's a single woman in the audience listening to this, a lot of your relationships, your boyfriends, started with that spark, with those intense butterflies in your stomach, feeling that chemistry, right? And where are they now? Well, they're not around anymore are they? So those relationships ended. So perhaps that's not a very good rubric, for starting a long term fulfilling relationship. So, yeah. So if you get the heebie jeebies, by all means move on. But if it's okay, but not great, you know, explore a little further, before you decide to pull the plug on it.

Alissa Kriteman: I like that! I like the two things you just said. Women control how fast it goes! And I like that...because I don't think women really take that power all the time. Like we feel like we should be nice, or we should make ourselves available. These like, you know, these like weird little things we've gotten from our past tutelage in all this. But like you're saying, it's time for women to say, actually no! I'm going to control how it goes. I'm going to really honor when things feel off. I'm going to speak up and say something. And really this fantasy buster, about having these ideas about, you know, who this man should be. This prince in shining armor that's going to come to us and to actually get to know the person in front of us. I talked about that on a last interview and I really like that, because I know for myself I've had a lot of fantasies about, you know, men, the white knight and all of that. But you know what? That is what we're taught and that is what we're told! So you know I think it does take shows like this and people like us to bring that, and continue to echo the importance of busting up the fantasies and really dealing with who's in front of us and that, you know, this person isn't going to come and save us. You talk a little bit about that too, how, you know, to really understand and know who you are, and what you want, what you’re core values are. So you have some sort of boundary and container for yourself and not just any man is going to come in and, you know…if he's a triangle, we're just going to try to fit him in to this square.

Dr. Alex Benzer: Nah. Absolutely, that's a great observation. And that's actually one of the big powers of the goddess, which is often forgotten, which is that women have the power to love a much broader range of companion than guys. I mean, as guys we're kind of stuck. We're a little superficial. Looks matter a lot to us, so...and it's very difficult for a guy to overcome that. If he meets a woman who's really fabulous in every way, but he's not attracted to her, right? Whereas for a woman, you can take a guy, who's perhaps not some Adonis, and a woman can learn to love him and make him a lot better looking than how he started through love and by really reaching for those nobler qualities inside him, that a woman can see better often. And so that's really one of the powers of the goddess. And if you think that...if you think about that, that actually expands the range of possibilities for you, such that the world becomes very abundant. And that's one of the biggest themes of the book, the idea of abundance. That there's so much opportunity out there to love, particularly when you lead with love. The possibilities are endless.

Alissa Kriteman: So we're going to take a short break to support our sponsors. Listeners, feel free to send me an email at [email protected] or call and leave me a message, 206-350-5333. I'd love to hear your feedback, any questions you have. This is Alissa Kriteman.  I'm with Dr. Alex Benzer. We're having such a great conversation about fantasy busters, and fulfillment and bad boys! And we'll be right back to talk more about men and sex.

[BREAK]

Alissa Kriteman: We're back. I'm Alissa Kriteman. We're talking to Dr. Alex Benzer. Really great stuff about knowing what you want, controlling. Not controlling in a, you know, an overly controlling way, but really that women can actually have the power to gauge how fast a relationship is going to go, know the tell tale signs of a bad boy and what you can expect. So now I want to talk to you, before we go, about men and sex. And you talk about in your book; men's secret fears about sex. What are some fears men have about sex?

Dr. Alex Benzer: Well here's the thing. People, everybody thinks that he or she is unique in their fears about sex, but the fact is it's just a taboo subject that basically our parents don't tell us about, our teachers don't tell us about. So everybody's more or less in the dark about it. And so, especially with a lot of religious traditions, there's a lot of shame and secrecy associated with sexual activity and so, people really don't know how it's supposed to work and this pleasurable, healthful activity has been bound up in a lot of guilt, and shame and other things that make it a lot less enjoyable. So, that's true of men just as much as it is for women. And especially for men it's very difficult, because on the one hand they're expected to move the physical intimacy forward, because obviously the woman's not going to do that, right? So they're supposed to move it forward. At the same time, they don't feel like they should, because it's not what the woman wants. I'm not quite sure. What if she says no? So there's this real great ambivalence between being the aggressor, which is the role he's supposed to be in, and also being the gentleman and letting the woman choose. But the woman's also been trained not to move things forward, so this just leads people at an impasse. So if a woman comes along who is able to create the environment in which a guy feels comfortable about his sexuality, and can get rid of all the shame and guilt, and can really express himself freely, and enjoy it, and have this amazing experience of spiritual communion with a woman, then that's something that's really rare. And if a guy experiences that, you know, you've got nowhere else to go. That's a really powerful thing that women can do and that power is at their disposal. And something that can make that even better is to have a fair amount of sexual knowledge, because again it seems like its important to know about calculus, and cellular biology and American history, but this thing, which is the fundamental aspect of our existence of creating life, of perpetuating the race, it's completely left to chance. And people think, well, I shouldn't even be reading about this. Well, the resources are out there and if you are the person who's willing and able to go out there and get some books, and learn some things, and try out some new stuff, then you are head and shoulders above everybody else who's too scared, to ashamed, or too lazy to do that. And it's really not that difficult. The stuff is simple. It's just a matter of doing a couple of exercises, learning a couple of techniques--

Alissa Kriteman: Well what happens if a woman encounters a man who's not able to get over his fear, of maybe being a little risky in the bedroom or...I mean, so there's that. But one question I have is: what's going on with the man who, like, can't maintain an erection. Is there like a particular thing going on with that?

Dr. Alex Benzer: Well, I guess I am a physician so, you know, that is a medical issue, but sometimes that issue is not just medical. It has to do with something that's going on psychologically. But in the end what that comes down to is this: it's all about the woman's fulfillment. The idea is, look! Am I getting what is important to me, what elevates me, what fulfills me out of this interaction. Okay? And this may seem really utilitarian and very practical. It's like, what about the person? But the fact is that fulfillment is a feeling. Fulfillment is a bunch of neuro transfers about feelings that you get inside of you. Fulfillment is not a person and a lot of a lack of a woman's fulfillment comes from mistaking one for the other. And they say oh you know, but I’m going to fix this guy. Oh, you know, he beats me up, but sometimes he's so sweet. Well the idea is, are you getting your fulfillment? So if you have a guy who has issues, any kind of issues in bed, the idea is are you having some kind of sexual compatibility, such that your interaction is pleasurable and is bringing you the fulfillment that you want. Sure there is a notion within the context of a loving relationship, of helping one another heal and helping one another grow. But if you're starting out with difficulties, then that makes it difficult to bond in that sexual way. And I talk about the connecting with a man on the level of three different chakras. So the groin chakra, with the genitals, the heart chakra, and the head chakra, and the idea of connecting at the level of mind, body, and spirit, all three. So if you don't have that sexual connection, usually that's the foundation of the relationship, and nothing really goes beyond that.

Alissa Kriteman: It's interesting. You use the word chakra. And for people who don't know what the word chakra is, it's really an energy center in every human being. There are seven chakras, seven energy centers and you're saying to put some awareness on inattention on the sexual chakra, the heart chakra, and the head chakra. So thank you for speaking about chakras, because I think it's important for people to tap into that energy. So we're almost out of time, but I'd like to ask you one last thing is: how can we find you? How can we get this great book that you’ve written with all this fantastic information for us?

Dr. Alex Benzer: I'm glad you asked. You can go to www.TaoofDating.com/women and if you want to get a whole bunch of cool audio bonuses, you can go to www.TaoofDating.com/goddess. And there's the "How to Be a Modern Goddess" audio there, which you can access and we can have a much longer discussion about the goddess.

Alissa Kriteman: Wow! I really appreciate you being on the show today and talking about some things that are, you know, definitely up for us to talk about in this dating world about being the goddess, what's going on in our sexuality, what's going in on in bed with men. [laughter] So thank you Dr. Alex for being with us today. And, yeah! Ladies check out TaoofDating.com/women and that brings us to the end of the show. Thank you so much for listening. For texts and transcripts of this show and other shows in the Personal Life Media network, just visit our website PersonalLifeMedia.com, and for a copy of my book "Alissa's Four Cornerstones to Living Your Dreams," just go to my website SacredSpa.org and click on the book cover icon. I'm your host Alissa Kriteman, always expanding your choices here on "Just for Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex." Join us next week, for more juicy news you can use!

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