Episode 90 - Alissa Kriteman on David Deida: Telling Your Deepest Truth
In this interview I focus on the importance of discovering our deepest truths as well as how to reveal them to others.
I read a passage from David Deida's book Blue Truth where he describes how tormented, twisted and in suffering we can become when we lie to ourselves about what really makes our hearts light up.
I offer a few techniques to support you in sharing your deepest truth from a calm, centered and loving place. Join me and David Deida on an inquiry of self revelation.
Get your copy of this illuminating book today - http://bit.ly/3SOnnk
Alissa Kriteman: Welcome to Just For Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex. I’m your host Alissa Kriteman. This show is dedicated to providing today’s modern women with useful information they need to make empowered conscious choices. Today I’m going to do one last show from my own perspective. We will get back to interviewing experts, but I wanted to see how it went where I offered my two cents on some topics that I think are really important, some of them being what happens if pornography shows up in your relationship, infidelity, things like that. And today I want to talk about telling the truth. I notice recently that in my life when I’ve been telling the truth the whole conversation has exploded open literally where there was once confusion or tension or silence, just speaking how I felt in my body or what I was sensing, what I was feeling, the raw vulnerable truth really helped shift the conversation and got things, if they weren’t in a place of love, back to a place of love. So I want to focus today’s show on telling our deepest truth. And how I’m going to do that is I’m going to illuminate a passage from David Deida’s book Blue Truth. And if you’re not familiar with David Deida, he’s a kind of modern spiritual teacher whose teachings focus on love and relationship and they’re kind of edgy. He definitely tends to cut through delusion with a very sharp knife, machete even at times, and if you haven’t seen him in person, yeah, it can be quite confronting because he doesn’t really spend a lot of time with peoples, kind of like emotional immaturity, you know. He’s really about pushing us to speak our truth. So I’m going to read a passage from his book, Blue Truth, and then we can do a little exercise. So if you take a moment now, go ahead and get your journal or some paper, get a pen, glass of water, get yourself prepared because I’m going to read this passage and we’re going to do a little inquiry into telling our deepest truth. So go ahead and do that now.
Alissa Kriteman: Okay, great. So I’m going to read from page 56, and again it’s David Deida’s book Blue Truth. How you spell Deida is d-e-i-d-a, so it’s David Deida.
Alissa Kriteman: “The open expression of who you really are is the only thing that will free you from the stress of feeling incomplete. In truth you are what you want. The farther you wander from who you truly are, the more you crave the qualities you miss. Since you can’t feel the love that lives you, you look to your lover to cherish you. Divorced from your home of unlimited openness, you seek to expand the sphere of your power, the size of your portfolio, the borders of your country. Desiring the freedom of inherent ease you try to discharge stress through masturbation, conversation and secret habits of release. You miss the simplicity of being, so you seek it in the warmth of a hearoin rush, a fluffy bed or a ritual cup of coffee. At times you fret over your appearance, seeking to find the radiance you truly are. You think of yourself constantly, providing a reflection of your own presence. Yet in truth you are utter presence, whether or not you reflect yourself by thinking. Whenever you are ready you can stop trying to find what you are precluding and start being who you are in truth. To surrender so completely, to be who you are is terrifying. Your self-image instantly vanishes; yet it is the only way to live that is real. Otherwise in every moment of missing who you truly are you create a self-image that isn’t the real thing. You feel a lack. This tension of deficiency can wind into an intense twist of desire. Eventually you can become quite warped.
Alissa Kriteman: Good stuff, huh? I feel as though David Deida is realy calling us to wake up; wake up to who we really are. And like he said, it’s kind of terrifying to do that, because we’ve been so habituated to live our lives from these fantasies or conditioning, mostly unconscious conditioning from out childhood that gave us our beliefs, gave us our thinking, gave us our experience of ourselves, and a lot of that is just not valid. And so I really like this passage because he’s calling us, he’s sort of egging us on to be and take the deep dive and go in and be willing to share our vulnerable hearts and reveal the depth and the truth of who we are. I know for myself I was saying that I had a conversation recently where things go really tense. And you know, it wasn’t for a lack of love; everybody in the room – there were three of us – there was a lot of love present but there was also a lot of tension present. And again, when I spoke my truth it sort of opened up access for the other two to speak their truth. And literally I could feel my, the tension in my chest – normally when I get tense like that I get a tightening of the chest, sometimes of the bell, but it literally feels like I can’t breath. And so if you experience that try that on. Try just letting people know, wow – sense you’re body, I’m feeling a little tension in my upper chest and I notice that it’s hard to breathe. I have to say practicing telling the truth in the moment people can’t really negate your authentic, you know, sharing of how things are feeling in your body. It’s very rare for them to say, “Oh, you can’t be feeling that.” You know, they might say, “Oh, you shouldn’t be feeling that”, but it’s really, it’s very compelling when you can tell the truth in the moment. So write that down, definitely take that on, try that out, being able share with people what is going on for you in your body, the feelings that you’re having, owning your feelings. I think that’s one of the biggest things that causes breakdowns in relationship is that we either become afraid to speak or we speak sort of like a fire hose and we speak with the emotions connected and sometimes that might come out as aggressive or frightening to the people that we’re talking to, and so the more we can practice noticing our body, noticing the tension coming up, noticing the emotions that are rising and share that, it can sometimes ward off a big emotional blowup. So again, speaking your truth in the moment will help. Have conversations stay in the love. So if you’re listening to this and you’re having trouble locating your deepest truth, I always, I always know it because it’s the scariest thing that I want to admit, but I have to say my partner and I have taken this on recently, telling each other the scary things and we actually set up a time and we get together and we light some candles and we just give each other the opportunity to say our scary truth, because if you’re walking around harboring your deepest truths from your friends and your lovers and your family, it really is like David Deida said, you know, we’re kind of like walking in this mask or this fake self living some kind of life that isn’t even our own, this kind of false image of who we really want to be that we don’t feel confident enough to express to the world. And so however you can make inroads into starting to communicate your deepest truth and live your life according to that, the more you will experience miracles, you will have the perfect people show up in your life to have that relationship or get you to the next level in your career. Whatever it is, I’m an honest believer that the universe colludes with us and helps us, supports us, when we start talking about our deepest truth, the scary truth about who we are and why we’re really here.
Alissa Kriteman: So here’s some questions you can answer for yourself if you’re having a little bit of difficulty locating your deepest truth. So there’s four, and the first one is, “What are some things that I crave doing, being or feeling that I am avoiding?” So again, “What are some things I crave doing, being or feeling that I am avoiding?” And I think we all know what they are. If you have the conversation, “I don’t have time” or things of that nature, there are ways to organize your day in your life so that you actually do have time, that you do have the time to make time for your authentic self to do the things you love and have a life that’s really organized around that. I also think that a lot of what gets in our way is unconscious emotionality. And I’ll talk about that in a minute, but I want to get these four questions down.
Alissa Kriteman: So the second question is, “Is there a dream I have that has been long tucked away and forgotten?” “Is there a dream that I have that has been long tucked away and forgotten?” You know when we start really living our dreams, and even if, I mean I know for me I wanted to be an actress for a long time and it felt like I got diverted in high school from not joining the drama club, I ran track instead, and I had to go back and start to look at can I let go of that dream or is that something that I have to follow, and I really spent a lot of time acting and trying to figure out is this the path I needed to go on. And my conclusion was no it’s not. There are skills and things that I like from being a performer that I can incorporate into my life now, like doing this show, that I don’t necessarily need to live the life of an actor. So, but you have to, you have to – I think it’s really important to not forget about those dreams because I think they’re silently calling at us and pulling at us in our subconscious mind, waiting, just there waiting to at least be looked at and considered. Maybe it’s not, you know, being an equestrian, it’s not something you’re going to dedicate your life to and maybe it’s not even a hobby, but at least you go back and you look and say, “Hmm, I really thought I was going to turn out that way. I didn’t. Is that okay? Is there another way to get those needs met in the life that I’ve created for myself now?”
Alissa Kriteman: The third question is “With whom is it difficult to be vulnerable?” With whom is it difficult to be vulnerable?” And I would go on to say not only who is it difficult for you to share your deep intimate vulnerability with, but also what are those things that you’re afraid to share. What are those things that you’re afraid to share? And you might not even be telling your close girlfriends, you might not even be admitting it to yourself, but I think it’s time. It’s time for us as empowered women to really face our demons and face our fears and face our desires and consider them and honor them for what they are. Again, I’m not saying that we need to go out and, you know, live this wild lifestyle because we never had the opportunity to do that, but at least complete it. Feel the mourning, feel the despair, feel the loss, and move on from it and clear out anything that’s unconsciously feeding misdirection in life, in your life, in my life.
Alissa Kriteman: The fourth question is “How do you avoid going after what you want?” And I know from myself there’s a million ways I’m actually in a three month wake up productive program, and I’m starting to realize two things. One, discipline is key. If you look at anyone who is successful in their life, they are disciplined; they go to the gym, they eat well, they’re their word, they have integrity. Their life works, and I’m coming to learn that it’s because they’re super organized and they don’t have that – I’ll say it’s like an emotional confusion. There’s something like discipline in a routine that kind of like gives you that sense of yourself so strongly that it doesn’t seem to me like those people waste much time confused over ideas or which direction to go next. You know, they’ve organized their life in a very solid direction. So how do you avoid going after what you want? Maybe it’s something that you haven’t planned out. Maybe it’s subconscious and you have to dig a little deeper to discover how you avoid going after what you want. On big thing is maybe you just don’t even admit it, that there are things that you want.
Alissa Kriteman: So those are the four questions. I hope you have fun delving into those and really looking for yourself in an honest and loving and heartfelt way, what are the answers to these, what are the mechanisms, patterns, behaviors, habits that you’ve been unconscious about that are getting in the way of you fully living your deepest truth. And with that we’re going to take a break. And I would love for you to listen to the ads that are coming up. You can get some fantastic discounts on some amazing product, so please listen to the ads. They’re from my sponsors who help me bring you Just For Women, so please tune into them. This is Alissa Kriteman, your host of Just For Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex. I’m with me, talking about how to live your deepest truth and we’ll be right back.
Alissa Kriteman: Welcome back. I’m your host Alissa Kriteman. You’re listening to Just For Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex. Before the break I read an excerpt from David Deida’s book Blue Truth, about the importance of us speaking our deepest truth and what happens if we don’t. I want to finish that passage. There’s a few more paragraphs here and then I want to speak a little bit more about how to locate our truth in the moment and have the courage to speak it.
Alissa Kriteman: So David Deida goes on to say – this is on page 56 of Blue Truth: “Craving the depth that you miss, you may find yourself engaging in crime, lying, self abuse and terrorizing others. Or perhaps just sitting in front of the TV and eating cookies. No matter how extreme or mediocre your misplaced efforts become, you can always open as your source. In the midst of stealing for instance, you can open as the abundance of life force that you are. How will you act as abundant fullness? Open as you are, your twist unwinds. In your most wound up naughty moments of sicko indulgence, as well as in your common round of daily drudge you are only missing who you truly are. Through years of moment by moment practice you can open as every twist in hope. You can live open as love, live as spontaneous blessing. What you want is who you are. Open as you are without hesitation.”
Alissa Kriteman: I just love that. I know it might be a little esoteric for some people, but I just feel this, his deep desire out of the years of training that he has had - in Buddhist practice I think, tantric Buddhist practice – that there’s this energy of revealing who we are in the moment that is completely transforms everything. And so it’s so funny, you know, he, the sicko indulgences and, yeah, it’s like so many things to, you know, because we’re in pain that we’re not living our deepest truths. And like I said, we can go back and tap in and see, “Hey, is this still my deepest truth”, and I think that’s the amazing thing about being a human being is that our wants, wishes and desires will continually change from moment to moment. So lets do a practice where you can start tapping into and expressing your truth in the moment. And this is part of what I did in the conversation with my friends where clearly there was a lot of tension. And so this very useful. And again, it’s vulnerability. It takes some vulnerability and self love to speak up and talk about what’s going on for you in the moment. The benefits and the rewards far outweigh staying quiet.
Alissa Kriteman: Okay, so one thing you can do; take a deep breath. Whenever you’re feeling high tension, high emotion, deep breath. Your breath, all of that oxygen will calm you down. Have you ever noticed in the airplanes when the plane’s going down what they offer you is oxygen. Oxygen makes you high; it helps you relax. So take a deep long slow breath in…. I like to do a little sound out, but you don’t have to. And so one thing you can say is once you’ve taken that deep breath in and you’ve noticed tensions in your body, “I am noticing, I am noticing I feel stressed by this conversation.” “I’m noticing that I fell this tightness in my belly.” “I’m noticing that I feel really tired talking about this subject.” “I notice that your eyes seem to be flickering and I wonder what’s going on with you.” Staying super aware in the present moment will help bring everyone’s attention to what’s going on, help us access our truth, access our hearts right there in the moment. When you use the “I am noticing” sentence stem and you go from there it really takes the responsibility back onto yourself. You wouldn’t want to use this in a form of “I’m noticing that you’re irritating me” or “I’m noticing that when you blink your eyes like that I think you’re acting like a goofball”, you know. This is the fine art of communication here and again, all routed in us being able to tell our full truth and how that will land over there for other people is if we fully own what’s going on for us and not make it about them. You know, it’s never an empowering place to come from, that something outside of you is causing you to have a reaction, you know, ‘cause that’s usually not the case. What’s happening is that whatever’s going on for you you’re having the reaction and whenever there’s an emotional trigger that’s a fantastic opportunity to look and dig in, “Wow, why am I being triggered by this person.” That’s our work to do; that’s us staying on our side of the street, us having agency. So agency is this psychological term that means you taking full responsibility of yourself, taking full care of yourself, not needing any sort of outside influence in order to have self care be a hundred percent for you. If that doesn’t work, so using that “I am noticing” technique is really fantastic when you want to bring the conversation to the present moment, when you want to communicate how things are feeling for you and maybe get into a deeper place of love.
Alissa Kriteman: Now when you have a request and there’s a little bit of struggle around making that request known, here’s another practice you can use. This is part of compassionate communication. It’s a four step process where you, the first step is you simply observe what’s going on; “I notice that I see my partners pants on the floor.” And it’s important to have an observation without judgment, right. Important, yet not easy, of course. And especially when it’s someone we love or know very well. I don’t know, maybe it’s easier to talk to those people, but, you know, fear comes up when we go to ask for what we want at times. And so this model is a fantastic model to keep it neutral, keep the emotions out of it and have our needs met and also check in with the other person to see what’s going on with them. So the first step again, just noticing, observing without judgment. The second step is to notice how you feel; “How does this feel? I notice when I see my partners pants on the floor I feel a little frustrated.” So the second step is feeling, identify your feelings. Check in with your body. Check in with your mind. Check in with what’s the reaction here. The third step is identifying your needs. Underneath every sort of emotional trigger is a need that’s not being met. So next step, needs; “I notice when I seem my partners pants on the floor I feel frustrated. I need to have a clean bedroom. It’s really important to me that the bedroom is tidy and everything is put into its place.” The last step is to make a request. And again, tonality is so key here. We could have this model, we could go through the model noticing feeling, what are my needs, what’s my request. But if we say it in a very charged and emotional way, the other person will feel that energy and it will cause a defensive reaction. So again, as much as you can stay calm, stay curious about what is being triggered here and be able to speak about that, the more power you’ll have in your conversations with people. So the final piece, request; “I notice that when I see my partners pants on the floor I feel very frustrated. I need to have the room clean. Honey, would you be able to keep your pants, at least put them in the laundry basket if they need to be laundered and then hang them up if they can’t, or at least leave them on the bed?” You want to make your requests a little bit more direct than that, so think about it. Think about what you want; what is your request? “Honey, I would like for you to put your dirty pants in the hamper and your clean pants on the bed.” Simple. “How do you feel about that request? Is that something you can do?” Nine times out of ten the person’s going to say yes. And again, coming at them with a light, a light energy because you’ve gone through it, you’ve gone through the steps; noticing, feeling, needing, request. I had to write this down. I pretty much have it now in my repertoire of communication skills; but seriously, I had to write this down for a long time, the steps and walk through it because I – and I still get reactive – but my past is riddled with reactivity and its been through, it’s been through my own self help and counseling, that I’ve realized that there are actually ways to communicate with people to have your needs met, and it’s by owning that for so long my needs weren’t met and I didn’t communicate them, I didn’t even realize that that was an option, that that’s actually a possibility. So you’ve got to believe that what you’re asking is valid, because it’s need that you have, and that you have the right to ask it, to communicate it, to have your needs met, and to talk about negotiation and compromise and whatever it’s going to be, but until you really get to the place where your needs are valid and your needs can be met, it’s going to be frustrating.
Alissa Kriteman: And one thing I want to say about the four steps is that they’re featured in a product that I’ve just created; it’s called Masterful Techniques For Fear and Anxiety Relief, and I go through this communication process- I actually interviews an expert, his name is Neut Bailey. And we do exercises, I lay it out in the e-book. So if you… And it’s all a part of relieving anxiety, because again, when we’re not living our deepest truth we’re anxious. And as David Deida was talking about in his book, we’ve got to have that courage to live boldly. Otherwise our lives are going to be these weird little, you know, fake sort of fantasy soap operas that we’re not even happy to be in. So there’s that technique, there’s the “I am noticing” technique and there’s the four questions. So you’ve got your marching orders for this week. And I’m going to get back to interviewing experts, but I wanted to take a little break with that and test this out, so let me know. Let me know if you enjoy these shows that I record or if you hate them, tell me. Be honest. And you don’t have to use any of these processes. Actually yeah, if you have a real serious problem with it just give me the noticing, feeling, needing and requesting, and I’ll hear you. But we’ve got some great people coming up. I’m going to interview a Yogini about diet and body and flow. And I’m going to interview a sex expert who’s a PhD and I’m going to ask him a lot of things. And one of my fun ideas that are coming up is I’m going to interview Trip Linear. Again, he’s a men’s coach and I’m going to ask him some fun things about this uprising of bromances and what’s going on with that. I’m very curious to hear, you know, what’s going on with the bromance, with movies like I Love You
And I’m also going to do a really edgy interview that I’m not going to tell you about, but stay tuned.
Alissa Kriteman: Thank you for tuning in. I’m your host Alissa Kriteman. You’ve been listening to Just For Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex. And please remember that you can call me. You can actually call me and that phone number is not… Okay, that phone number is 206-350-5333. And again, you can always email me at alissa, a-l-i-s-s-a, @personallifemedia.com ([email protected]). I really appreciate you tuning in so much. You can also get instant notification when the next Just For Women shows go live, and to do that just go to personallifemedia.com/signup. So again, it’s always a joy to connect with you. I hope this is helpful. Again, let me know who you want to hear on the show. And I really appreciate you tuning in. Check out masterfultechniques.com for more information on how you can naturally cure anxiety and fear. Alright, tune in next week for more juicy news you can use.