Valerie Harms Tells Us Why We Should Think Twice About Having An Affair!
Just For Women
Alissa Kriteman

Episode 48 - Valerie Harms Tells Us Why We Should Think Twice About Having An Affair!

If you have ever thought about having an affair – or are in one (!) – tune into to hear what Valerie Harms has to say about why we stray from what we have. Author of The Inner Lover – Using Passion as a Way to Self-Empowerment, Valerie shows us how to take a look at what is at the root of our desire, and how to turn that energy into a great awakening for ourselves.

Join us as we discuss the wisdom that can be found in dreams, fantasies, automatic responses and reactions.  Learn about Intensive Journaling – a step beyond your everyday diary that can open you to parts of yourself that might be disconnected and wanting to be heard and healed.  Discover the 3 parts to the Love Triangle – You, Other and The Relationship – all have important things to say!  Tune in to juicy news you can USE!



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Alissa Kriteman: Have you ever wondered why you can be intensely attracted to certain people? Are you curious about the wisdom that can be found in dreams and fantasies? Are you pondering having an emotional or physical affair with someone in your life?

Well, hold on, this week on "Just for Women" we are going to talk with Valerie Harms, author, workshop leader and consultant who is going to share with us insight and wisdom from her book, "The Inner Lover", using passion as a way to self-empowerment.

Valerie is going to share with us different approaches to learning  how different images, dreams, fantasies and deep attractions to other people are all ways to discover what is going on in our own internal landscape.


Valerie Harms: I think of them like I am in a boat and a dream comes along like the wind in the sails correcting my course. If I am going off course a dream will come up to show what might be wrong. It picks up on your daily existence and maybe even your past to show you what is needed right now.

To have a dialogue means that you would describe where the relationship stands. Then you would write a list of the stepping stones of their life not your life. This will help you see the person as separate from yourself. Then you would dialogue on paper with this person about what is going on, how you feel and let them speak back to you so that it is really a dialogue.

Keep track of your dreams, record your fantasies and imagery experiences and try to do these dialogue methods. Try to distinguish between your fantasies and the outer person. Just become more aware of them and don't block any feelings and trust the timing of your psyche. Keep it in mind the three wills of desire and surrender wholeheartedly to the intimacy of your feelings. And you will be blessed.


Alissa Kriteman: Welcome to "Just for Women", dating, relationships and sex. I am your host, Alissa Kriteman. Today on the show I am excited to talk about the inner lover and how loving ourselves first can help us attract the kind of love we long to have in our lives, not just with an intimate partner but with anyone in our lives.

I would like to welcome author, Valerie Harms. Welcome, Valerie, to "Just for Women".

Valerie Harms: Hi. Thank you. Glad to be here.

Alissa Kriteman: Thank you so much for being on the show. For those of you who don't know Valerie yet, she is the author of several books on women studies, biography and children's literature.

She is an intensive journal consultant, and we will talk more about that in a minute. She is also the author of our featured book today, "The Inner Lover", using passion as a way to self-empowerment.

Valerie, first off tell us a little bit about you, your background, and what exactly is an intensive journal consultant?

Valerie Harms: Well, first of all, I live in Bozeman, Montana. As I said, I went to Smith College. I have been writing books. I have raised a family, gone through marriage, divorce, long relationships, one-night stands and so on.

Alissa Kriteman: You have a lot of experience.

Valerie Harms: Right. So, that's why and it was in actually a therapeutic relationship where I experienced transference, you know, an intense attraction for my therapist that I began to see how we project so many feelings and desires onto other people. That's when I began "The Inner Lover".

The intensive journal is a journal keeping method that was designed by Ira Progoff, who was a therapist. He wanted to have a tool for people to use in addition to therapy or instead of therapy. It has ways of working with one's past history, various dialogue sections where you dialogue with your body, your work, other people, inner wisdom figures. It also has ways of working with meditations and also dreams.

It is something I have done for about 25 years myself and worked with Progoff in the beginning. And then he no longer is alive, but I have given more transfers a couple of decades as well.

Alissa Kriteman: Wow.

Valerie Harms: It is very different from ordinary diary keeping because it gets you in touch with what you don't know. It kind of stimulates the unconscious and sends forth awareness so that is why I think ordinary diary keeping is just not as productive as doing the intensive journal. And the workshops are given all over the country. People can get access to them anywhere.

Alissa Kriteman: What are some of the things that you do to stimulate the unconscious with this particular kind of journaling? It sounds really interesting.

Valerie Harms: Well, for instance, with dreams you would record a dream. You would go back into the dream. You would describe your associations with the people or the objects of the time period of a dream. And then you, in a way, would enlarge it, perhaps, by talking with a person that is in the dream.

Then you might later on at a different point select a wisdom figure that could be god or a goddess or a tree or a beloved grandmother as a wisdom figure and dialogue with her about your life.

Alissa Kriteman: Let us back up a little bit. There we are, because I dream a lot and every night I have very vivid dreams. Many times I wake up and I say to my partner, I mean it's kind of laughable now, I say, "Oh, I had an amazing dream" or "I had a scary dream". He always asks me what is going on, but I never thought to go back and actually enlarge the dream like you said. What do you mean when you say talk to a person in the dream, like have a meditation?

Valerie Harms: First of all, I think you are marvelously lucky and Carl Young used to say that a dream unexamined is like not opening a FedEx message from your soul.

Alissa: Wow.

Valerie Harms: I think you had better get on the stick, Alissa. [laughter]

Alissa Kriteman: Maybe, you and I need to do some consulting and I've got to get on this intensive journal because, really, this is what the interview is about here today. Really waking up to what is going on in our unconscious so we can be more empowered. How would I do that?

Valerie Harms: First, you would go back into the dream with your eyes closed, but you would have notebook and paper in front of you. Then you would place yourself in the atmosphere of it, notice what sounds are going on, what colors, what the setting is, what the smells are. And maybe it will continue to unfold. It will keep going. That is one way.

Another thing is then take one of the people that's in it and on paper talk to the person about what exactly they are doing, what they want from you, what questions, anything that might come up, you know, what questions you have, whether you have any doubts or fears.

Alissa Kriteman: This is kind of a subconscious me tapping into my subconscious even though my eyes are open and I am writing now. I am sort of in this meditative state where I am actually dialoguing with the part of my dream in real time.

Valerie Harms: Absolutely right. And when surprising things come up, that show that your rational brain is not directing this but that your unconscious is, that is what you want.

Alissa Kriteman: I have heard that our dreams are a way of our unconscious mind or our subconscious mind to tell us things that we might not be able to grovel, digest, face in reality. Is that true?

Valerie Harms: I think of them like I am in a boat sailing on an ocean, and a dream comes along like the wind in the sails correcting my course. If I am going off course, a dream will come up to show what might be wrong. It picks up on your daily existence and maybe even your past to show you what is needed right now, what you need to be aware of more now.

Alissa Kriteman: I know that there are a lot of books about dream interpretation, how to decipher dreams. What are some keys that you would recommend for us to decipher these dreams so we know what is needed?

Valerie Harms: Well, the main dream author that I recommend is Jeremy Taylor, and he is from California, too. He gives dream workshops and he has some great books on it. His point is too that you shouldn't just read that this means that. You should think about what that object or person or place in your dream means to you. You'll have associations with it. If Freud thought a purse was a woman's vagina, I mean that's ridiculous.

Alissa Kriteman: [laughs]

Valerie Harms: That is like putting an arbitrary symbol on something that we just know is not true. I mean, women use their purses for many different things. They carry their valuables in them. Losing a purse is like losing a lot of your sanity in some ways.

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, I wouldn't want to lose my vagina. [laughs]

Valerie Harms: No. And there are some motifs like going to the dentist or going to the doctor is getting some help, getting something fixed.

Animals appear in dreams a lot, and that can be very, very helpful. A wild animal is especially powerful. If you dream about a pet with an injured paw or something like that, it could indicate that there is something about your mobility that is wounded.

Alissa Kriteman: Basically, you are saying not all symbolism in dreams is the same for everyone that we actually have to look. How is this associated to myself?

Valerie Harms: Yeah.

Alissa Kriteman: OK, cool. Alright. So there is Jeremy Taylor and there is actually doing some of the work you said in going back into the dream, see how it continues to unfold and actually have a journal there and write it down. And maybe ask ourselves, and again I think that's part of the work that you are saying that instead of going out into the external world go in, go in.

Let's talk a little more about this inner lover. It is the title of your book. What do you mean by inner lover?

Valerie Harms: The inner lover includes all the thoughts, feelings and dreams that you hold in your mind about another person, man or woman. What you hold in your mind, the picture you hold in your mind is different from the outer person's being.

For instance, often in workshops the first thing do is I ask people to describe what they want as a soul mate, the qualities. And these are all qualities that they think this other person is going to have and they expect the other person to have. And I say, "These are the qualities that you should be developing in yourself". If people would have that awareness it would save a lot of demands on the other person because they would realize that they are projecting a lot.

Alissa Kriteman: You know, that is the number one rule. I definitely heard that before and when I heard it for the first time it was really kind of shocking to me to think that I was complaining about things, the lack of something in someone else. And it was actually something I was struggling to have for myself. It really changed my life because it's true.

That is definitely the number one way to destroy a relationship is to be constantly complaining about something that you are struggling to have in yourself. I am glad you are repeating that because I think it is important for women to hear whatever kind of relationship they are in.

Valerie Harms: Yes, you do.

Alissa Kriteman: You talked about projection. Is that a way we project outward what we are actually trying to have for ourselves?

Valerie Harms: Yes, and projection is going on all the time whether you are in a marriage, a really long-term relationship or whether you are just seeing someone at a party across the room. It is probably most obvious then because you don't even know anything about that person who is a stranger, and yet all of a sudden you have got all of these fantasies going. It is just very important to think about them that way. It is OK to act on them but to just separate in your mind what you are projecting on that person, and then go and find out more about what they really think or what they are really like.

Alissa Kriteman: Do you have a good exercise for that because I could see, and I know it happens all the time. I will see someone and I will think, "Whoa he's…" And that's part of my work to do, right? Having this moment be enough, having my life be enough.

It is amazing how automatic it is. You can look at someone, and you think, "Oh, life would be better over there" as opposed to the way it is right now. And so, do you have some sort of exercise because I know we're projecting all the time but how do we stop?

Valerie Harms: First of all, I don't think you should stop. I think all of these thoughts and feelings are very, very important and can be used creatively. They can be channeled into a creative project of any kind, but the thing that you can do for yourself - let's say, if you are in a relationship and you see someone and you think, "Oh, life would be better with him or her". [laughter]

Alissa Kriteman: Let's use that example. [laughs]

Valerie Harms: It is a very common one. It doesn't mean you should leave the present relationship but notice what those qualities are. For instance, I have seen women extremely attracted to an architect, say, or men of power. That is the most common kind of attraction simply because women feel more powerless themselves, and they want to be around power. They think that they will get power if they are with a powerful man. You know, you have seen that many times.

Alissa Kriteman: Sure.

Valerie Harms: Or a very charismatic man. I think that is what happened with Bill Clinton, just to use a timely example.

Alissa Kriteman: Everybody uses him. He's like the example of the world. [laughs] Right? You think that she wanted that power?

Valerie Harms: Oh, yes, definitely. But, anyway, what you can do is get to know the other person, be friendly, explore the relationship, have all that erotic feeling stimulate yourself. You don't have to leave your present relationship. You can also journal about it. You can dialogue with this other person to find out what it is you are really attracted to and also develop these qualities in yourself.

The woman who was attracted to this architect that I was mentioning, she went to architectural school herself and developed in that way, you know, she studied. I have seen women fall in love with somebody who lives in the West because they are attracted to the wide open spaces, and they will move out West instead of actually joining up with the man. Sometimes, they join up with the man and it turns out to be a real dud. And the whole thing has been about changing their life.

Alissa Kriteman: Interesting. Basically, I like what you said about going into it versus trying to stop it because I think we think, "Oh my God, I am having this intense attraction. This is bad and wrong and I shouldn't have it".

Valerie Harms: Right.

Alissa Kriteman: Go into it. Be curious. Look and see what's going on here. And really have some boundaries and guidelines around that if you are going to get to know this person and explore it that you actually trust yourself not to get too far into it without losing your sense of decorum. [laughs]

Valerie Harms: Right. And this is the passion of life. You can't follow up on every attraction you have, but they are the spice of life. I have heard women tell me that doctors have given them medicine to quell their feelings of passion. I just hate to hear that because love is a life and death matter. It is really full of vitality. Even if it is painful and difficult it is worth it.

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, we will talk about that love energy definitely in our second part. You know, it kind of drives me crazy when I hear things about like women suppressing themselves and then the world and men. And people wonder why women have all this pent up energy and anger and rage. It's like, that is why because for so long we are not supposed to feel these feelings.

What are some ways that are actually healthy ways for us to deal with energies of rage and anger? Do you have them?

Valerie Harms: I think it is partly in this journal work that I mentioned, and I will give systematic advice at the end about how to deal with that because it is a procedure, unless you would like me to do it now.

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah. At the end of what? Let's talk about it now.

Valerie Harms: OK. There are several things that you can do. First of all, have ongoing dialogues with this person. To have a dialogue means that you would describe where the relationship stands between you and that person right now. Then you would write a list of the stepping stones of their life, their life not your life but theirs. So, you would spend some time walking in their shoes. This would help you see the person as separate from yourself.

Alissa Kriteman: That is a good one.

Valerie Harms: And then you would dialogue on paper with this person about what is going on, how you feel. And let them speak back to you so that it is really a dialogue. Usually, what unfolds is all sorts of meaning about their importance to you and advice maybe about what to do.

Alissa Kriteman: When you are dialoguing on paper with the person, where is that information? Is it like their subconscious is talking to you through your subconscious?

Valerie Harms: Yeah. I really think if you get deep enough you tap into their energy and you are being very open-hearted about it, and you are more or less contacting their heart. You want it to be deep not superficial.

Alissa Kriteman: Got it. Right, which normally happens when you start getting into intense journaling and writing. The layers start to peel off, and you can start to really get down to it.

Valerie Harms: Right. Exactly. And then at the same time you might identify what are some of these qualities. Once you have identified them, maybe it is that you are very attracted to a movie producer or an actor that you take steps to do those things for yourself in your life.

Alissa Kriteman: Got it.

Valerie Harms: Take a writing course or something.

Alissa Kriteman: Well, that is how we do it, transform that energy into something life giving for us. Cool. Alright, Valerie. Let us take a break to support our sponsors. I am your host, Alissa Kriteman. You are listening to "Just for Women", dating, relationships and sex. We are speaking with Valerie Harms. It's funny that you have that name. [laughs]

Valerie Harms: I wish I had Valerie Propers. [laughter]

Alissa Kriteman: We are talking about passion, love, life, transference. And we will be right back.


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Alissa Kriteman: Welcome back to "Just for Women", dating, relationships and sex. I am your host, Alissa Kriteman. We are having a very interesting conversation with Valerie Harms, the author of "The Inner Lover" using passion as a way to self-empowerment.

Before the break Valerie gave us some really awesome tools and techniques for understanding what is going on in our dreams, what is going on when we have intense attraction and passions for other people and transforming that into knowledge and growth for ourselves.

Valerie, thank you for all of that. Really great stuff. Now, I want to talk a little bit more about women, some of the issues that women are dealing with as opposed to men and get a little bit deeper in that realm.

In your book you talk about, you call it the inner marriage. I know that some of my girlfriends and I have been talking about having commitment ceremonies to ourselves before we get married to our partners. What do you have to say about that? Is that what you are talking about with the inner marriage?

Valerie Harms: Well, I think that is a great idea. That is a symbolic showing of an inner marriage. I think that is just terrific. What I actually meant was that in your fantasies and in dreams of weddings, specific weddings are there things that get in the way or are they consummated perfectly, happily?

You see, in your fantasies and dreams you can't control them so in some ways it is your soul speaking. Sometimes, you will have dreams of weddings, but there won't be any food on the table, or you'll show up in a torn dress or something like that. Those are important details to explore about what is preventing a perfect union within myself, and actually the inner marriage is when all those elements within yourself are all lined up. And the male and female aspects of yourself join happily. You know, the ceremony of commitment to oneself is a perfect example. That's a great thing to do.

Alissa Kriteman: So you are saying that one way to actually have that perfect union within myself is to have a ceremony like that. What are some other things?

Valerie Harms: I would be very interested in seeing after you have such a ceremony whether that provoked a dream for that night that showed what is your inner state about it, that was a comment on the way it really stands between you. Your intention can be one thing and expressed in a ceremony, but in a dream about it maybe the man doesn't show up. And why would that be?

Alissa Kriteman: Oh, oh. [laughs]

Valerie Harms: And that would be something in yourself not about another person but some masculine element that is not supporting you.

Alissa Kriteman: Oh, I see. Dreams always, you are saying, come back to ourselves. It is not like another way to project onto someone. I had a dream and you weren't there and blah blah blah.

Valerie Harms: Exactly.

Alissa Kriteman: Right. So you are saying it's more about lost aspects of my own masculine identity, maybe. Well, what if people want to dream but they can't?

Valerie Harms: Well, then they have to meditate or allow themselves just to get quiet and image, see what imagery comes. Everyone I know can lie down on the floor; close their eyes and just chill out. Usually, a lot of images will come that your rational mind is not directing, and that is what a person can do.

Alissa Kriteman: So we can start with meditation.

Valerie Harms: I think for a lot of women their first experiences with the masculine in themselves begins with their father, you know, and that's going to be something that will have to be dealt with. And then there are the early crushes that women have. What type of boy did they like at first? And then the image of the type of man you are attracted to usually changes over time as you become more sophisticated yourself. That is kind of interesting to note, too, but you always want to have that supportive, inner partner as well.

Alissa Kriteman: Are you suggesting that we do sort of a man chronology and see what the aspects have been in those relationships and loves?

Valerie Harms: That is a very good thing to do.

Alissa Kriteman: And then that will show… Clearly, it is going to show how we've grown and matured, but are there some things in the underneath that we could be looking for?

Valerie Harms: Yes. You know, many women complain about always ending up with unsupportive men or ones that are really impossible or difficult or wrong for them, destructive even. Now, you can go back and see where that might have originated. Where did your own self-esteem or bad judgment of yourself begin?

I also think a great book is, "He's Just Not That Into You". Do you know that book?

Alissa Kriteman: I have heard of that, Greg somebody.

Valerie Harms: Greg, he was one of the writers on Sex and the City. He lays it out in no uncertain terms what women should not settle for; you know, where the signs are very plain about when somebody doesn't care for you.

Alissa Kriteman: Right. And we want to make it into a big drama and question it and, "What does that mean?" It is really pretty clear because men are just kind of honest.

Valerie Harms: I think that should be acted on right away, you know.

Alissa Kriteman: So you are asking us to wake up. Here is your dream. Here is the patterning that you start to see in your dream. Here is what you can see that is missing and don't avoid it. I think that is what Greg is saying to us, like don't avoid what is plainly there.

Valerie Harms: Yes. Yes.

Alissa Kriteman: And you are saying it comes out in our chronology. It also comes out in our dreams. It comes out in these images that immediately get spurred when we are attracted to someone, and it is actually slowing down and looking at why did I just have that thought. Why did I have that sensation in my body? What is going on with me?

Valerie Harms: Exactly.

Alissa Kriteman: OK. Great.

Valerie Harms: And your body is part of your soul, too. Body is psyche, so the feelings that you have in your body are very true and should be respected. I always say the body doesn't lie. In sex that is especially true and you can tell a lot in a sexual relationship.

Alissa Kriteman: Let's talk more about that. How is the body connected to the soul? I haven't heard it talked about in that way specifically.

Valerie Harms: Well, it is. Carl Young said it. It is because our bodies contain our emotions. We verbalize emotions that we feel in our bodies, like we can tell when our heart is racing, when we are excited. These are body feelings. These are physical sensations.

When we are lying in bed with someone and we are feeling like we would rather turn over, turn the other way, that is something that should be paid attention to and not just passed over. If we are resisting or cringing at someone's touch, that's a message.

On the other hand, if we feel… I know in my life I have experienced partners that I am more open with than I am with others. It is hard to explain why that is. I think it's perhaps some element of relaxation and in the other makes it possible for me to be more relaxed, too.

Alissa Kriteman: What is the soul saying to us if we are in bed with our lover and we are not interested in being sexual?

Valerie Harms: Well, I don't think it is always true that this person is not good for us. It might be that you just might be tired. You might be physically drained, worn out for some reason. You might need to be talking about something. You have to see what is really happening. Maybe, there is some issue that is being avoided in the relationship, or maybe it is coming to an end.

You know, I don't think all relationships should last forever especially when we live so much longer this time. I think relationships are like plants, flowers in the way that they have seed times, flowering times, times when they need to fade away and then go underground like tulip bulbs do. They need to be in the cold and the dark for a while and then have a new phase. They are cyclic. And perhaps a relationship has a beginning, a middle and end that we need to respect, too.

Alissa Kriteman: OK.

Valerie Harms: A lot of people these days think relationships have to last forever, and they are very reluctant to leave them.

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah. It sounds like to me if women are in a relationship where they are having difficulty being sexual. Most often, that is an indicator of something in their past, something intense that is going on and that needs to be addressed. That is why relationships are so amazing.

It is because we can live our ordinary lives and maybe have superficial relationships, but when we really start to get into it with lovers that that is actually where a lot of the work is going to be done. Which is why it is so important to have lovers who are kind and generous, and I think this chronology works if women want to take that on is really a place to see.

Am I passed, am I beyond having relationships in my life that don't work, that might be less than spectacular? And what was actually going on there? Am I doing this again? And those are really some big red flags.

Valerie Harms: Yes.

Alissa Kriteman: OK, so how…

Valerie Harms: And being patient. If you can be patient and forgiving and have a partner that is patient and forgiving, you can accomplish a lot and get a good degree of intimacy.

Alissa Kriteman: I guess that is the perfect place to start because if we are there frustrated, being sexually repressed, not able to communicate maybe we shouldn't even be in a relationship at that time. Maybe, the patience that we need to have is with ourselves, maybe get into some kind of support group, women's group, therapy, something so that we can attract those qualities exactly. I see where it comes full circle. We have those qualities for our self that we started to look for in other people.

Alissa Kriteman: Great. We have to wrap up, but I wanted to end with… You have this really great checklist at the end of your book. Talk to us about some of the things on the checklist that we can do to sort of do this inner lover work over time.

Valerie Harms: Well, I suggest that you keep track of your dreams especially with the lovers in your life. Record your fantasies and imagery experiences and try to do these dialogue methods.

If you can take an intensive journal workshop, so much the better. Try to distinguish between your fantasies and the outer person, just become more aware of them. Don't block any feelings and trust the timing of your psyche.

Keep in mind the three wills of desire: yours, the others and the relationship itself. That would be the history of the relationship. Surrender wholeheartedly to the intimacy of your feelings, and you will be blessed.

Alissa Kriteman: [laughs] Oh my God. You've just dropped a bomb. I have so many questions now. Well, let me just ask. The three wills of desire? His, mine and what is the third one?

Valerie Harms: The relationship. We didn't talk about the triangle. There is always a triangle: yourself, the other and the relationship itself. Usually, that has to do with an obstacle in the relationship where it could be that one wants the other to not work so hard, or maybe there is an illness that has to be contended with. Some element that is like a bone that the two are both gnawing at. That affects how the relationship will unfold. That is what I think has to be respected, too, over the course of time.

Alissa Kriteman: It is interesting to think about  I have desire, my partner has desire and then there is the desire of the relationship. How do we address that?

Valerie Harms: By being aware and also you can dialogue with the relationship, too. Like, what is this relationship asking of me? Where is it wanting to go? Describing on paper what its history has been, going into the various steps how you met the person, what happened next, how it unfolded. Maybe, there were gaps in time between when you got together. From time to time, go back to it and talk about what is happening.

Sometimes, where there is a difficulty where you don't seem to be able to talk to the other person about what is going on, having this dialogue first will make something unfold and then you can go back and talk about it.

Alissa Kriteman: Now, if I was a single woman could I do this as to the future relationship what it wants, so I would know the kind of man when he shows up, who would actually provide that?

Valerie Harms: [laughs] I think that is a head game…

Alissa Kriteman: [laughs]

Valerie Harms: …in all honesty. Yes, you can. But, you know, that is a little bit like projecting about a soul mate. It is a fine exercise to do, but that way you might miss a frog who came along.

Alissa Kriteman: Right. Right. I am always trying to help out my sisters. [laughs] So we don't want to miss the frogs by projecting too hard into the future, but then again what about these vision boards, these dream journals? Where is the line between fantasizing and dreaming about what we want and then not getting lost there? I get the slippery slope.

Valerie Harms: You just have to be careful that the fantasizing and the vision boards don't prevent you from seeing the person you meet at Starbucks or something, the reality of the everyday.

Alissa Kriteman: Right. Right. But, it is interesting because a girlfriend of mine, we did vision boards three months ago. I think they were vision boards about relationships because I talked about that in my book, the importance of having a physical display about what you want. She met the most incredible man. It is still in the honeymoon stage so we are going to see how it goes, but we just sat there and looked at each other. And I said, "See he's tall. He's gorgeous". It's not like they don't have their stuff to work out, but he is very much in alignment with…

Valerie Harms: Really?

Alissa Kriteman: …what she had put on this vision board, and I think there is a lot of credence in this.

Valerie Harms: Yes. I think that is great.

Alissa Kriteman: I do like what you said about ask the relationship what it needs, and we can either do that alone or with a partner.

Valerie Harms: Yes.

Alissa Kriteman: Maybe do a little meditation.

Valerie Harms: Doing it alone is like taking a chemical solution and then just adding a drop of color to it. It changes the solution, and I was just saying to do it on paper if you are up against something that confuses you or that makes you very angry. And you are not ready to articulate your anger yet, but you want to find a way to express it maybe more tactfully or to really understand it. It is better to do something like that on paper before than taking it to the person.

Alissa Kriteman: Got it. That is definitely a way to defuse that first level energy.

Valerie Harms: But the anger is important, you know.

Alissa Kriteman: And I like what you are saying about not suppressing that but flowing it into writing and flowing it into asking yourself and also this other dynamic of the relationship, what it wants. Cool.

Valerie Harms: Flowing it into dressing more colorfully.

Alissa Kriteman: Valerie, tell us how we can find you. Give us your website. How do we get your book?
Valerie Harms: My book can be ordered from or Barnes & Noble or any place like that or any local bookstore.

My website is, and that will lead you to me.

Alissa Kriteman: And you are doing the intensive journal workshops, your book is there and you do private coaching as well, yeah?

Valerie Harms: Yes.

Alissa Kriteman: Great. Listeners, check out Valerie Harms and her book, "The Inner Lover", using passion as a way to self-empowerment. Really great stuff contained in there.

Also, remember that you can email me at [email protected]. I would love to hear your comments, any ideas you have for topics you want to hear on the show.

I know we are going to have to get Greg Behrendt (I think is his name) [laughs] on the show and go a little bit deeper on his whole take on "He's Just Not That Into You".

Also, for texts and transcripts of this show and other shows on the Personal Life Media network please visit our website at

Don't forget you can get a copy of my book, "Alissa's Four Cornerstones to Living Your Dreams" also on

Again, Valerie Harms, thank you so much for being on "Just for Women" today.

Valerie Harms: Oh, great. Thank you, Alissa.

Alissa Kriteman: Yes, I am your host, Alissa Kriteman, always expanding your choices here on "Just for Women", dating, relationships and sex.

Please tune in next week when you will hear more juicy news you can use.


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