Episode 15 - “Become your Own Prince Charming – The New Power of Women – Embodying the Feminine” with Barbara Stanny

Alissa Interviews Inspirational Speaker and Teacher Barbara Stanny “Become your Own Prince Charming – The New Power of Women – Embodying the Feminine”

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Alissa Kriteman: Welcome to just for women dating relationships and sex, I’m your host Alissa Kriteman you’re listening to part 2  of a 2 part series with financial expert and inspirational speaker Barbara Stanny. In part two we cover the imposter syndrome 7 realizations of financial enlightment, the feminine face of power today, the spiritual side of taking charge of our finances and getting past the discomfort zone change I really hope you enjoy these interviews they’re amazing deeply insightful and ultimately transformational if you really take heart to what Bs is saying. I hope you enjoy both parts and I look forward to serving you soon. Please feel free to make comments in the blog or on the website okay have a great day.

Barbara Stanny: Powerful is just knowing who you are and being able to express that in the world. It doesn’t mean becoming male, it doesn’t mean ignoring your nurturing self, the first thing is going to be coincidence, there’s going to be amazing coincidences synchonises that will come into your life… like you’ll just sit down on an airplane next to someone who has just the information you need You’ll open up the paper and its just the class you wanted you get a phone call that’s just the person you needed to talk to I always say to everyone, if you’re not feeling uncomfortable you’re not changing.

Alissa Kriteman: wow

Barbara Stanny: Often times when you go to the next level, when you go to do something that you’re not comfortable doing when you go to do something you haven’t done before, when you go to stretch when you take on that scary assignment, when you go to say okay I’m gonna start investing in a mutual funds or I’m going to open an IRA Its like there’s this being inside of you this feeling that says you don’t know what you’re talking about,

Alissa Kriteman: gotcha

Barbara Stanny you don’t know what you’re doing.  What happened when I interviewed women, who are smart with money I noticed 7 things claimed throughout every interview Every woman I interviewed came to a series of insights or aha’s I call them realizations and there were 7 in all.

Alissa Kriteman: Earlier we were talking about some of the things that get in the way of us being the most powerful women we can be and we were talking about this concept that’s been around for awhile called Alpha-Females and I wanted to hear your perspective on um women who are taking control of their finances, making the money in the family, which is changing the dynamics of how relationships, partnerships, marriage is and how we can maintain our nurturing soft feminine spirit while still being the key breadwinner in the household.

Barbara Stanny: you know I have my other two my other book that I wrote, secrets of 6 figure women and overcoming under earning I interviewed women who are very high earners and the book I’m working on now I’m interviewing women who make millions and what I have heard and what I found is that really feeling empowered, respect who you are which is that nurturing I have this I have this t shirt that I had made and it says embrace your bitch because I believe that bitch, that person that is so put down by the male population that bitch is that’s where our power is that’s part of our self that knows what you want  refuses to be a victim a doormat or tolerate injustice the the acronym is a babe in total control of herself. Now the bitch is not that part of ourselves that’s codependent that’s everybody’s needs first and then becomes cranky, it’s also not that part of ourselves that’s very insecure and scared so we overcompensate and become a bully so I think the more secure a woman is by understanding and taking control of her finances by doing what shes scared to do by stretching by surrounding herself with support she becomes so powerful that in that power, powerful is just knowing who you are and being able to express yourself in the world it doesn’t mean becoming male it doesn’t mean ignoring your nurturing self. Does that makes sense?

Alissa Kriteman: it makes total sense and what I’m hearing is that you’re asking us to face our fear so we can actually soften and be less reactive.

Barbara Stanny: That’s exactly right because what happens the more fear we have the more protection we need

Alissa Kriteman: Exactly

Barbara Stanny: The more the harder our edges

Alissa Kriteman: Exactly

Barbara Stanny: The more we face that fear the more we fall down and get back up and keep going the less self protection we will need to put up the more of ourselves we can show the more vulnerable and authentic we can be and at the same time a powerful woman is the final authority shes a responsible adult the more we can step into our adult the more we can exercise our power

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, and having boundaries and having um you know our ultimatums and you know it its about knowing ourselves and I think its important as we grow to yeah let go of these beliefs that you have to be some kind of you know cold, bitch, and masculine woman in order to be powerful its almost like the new power of woman

Barbara Stanny: The new power is the feminine

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah

Barbara Stanny: and that’s what the this next book that I’m writing is exploring and as I’m interviewing women who make millions and there are quite a lot of them they really are they really to me symbolize, embody the feminine power at its most highest level.

Alissa Kriteman: that is so exciting to hear I have to say you know um Really I mean even in you know government you knows its like where do we look for our role models and what you’re saying is your starting to um interview and get the word out on powerful women who are embodying their feminine which I think most people, women have been shying away from because they don’t want to turn into men and you’re saying that is not the case at all

Barbara Stanny: the only women that turn into men are women whose life is run and based on and guided by fear

Alissa Kriteman: Got it

Barbara Stanny:  So What I , What I do is I only write books about things I want to learn about I only interview women who I want to view as role models and interviewing these women who have gone to the highest level is fascinating fascinating and its what I’m seeing is the feminine face of power and its very different than the masculine model and everything that we have in terms of leadership and power and even finances is based on the male model

Alissa Kriteman: What does the feminine face of power look like?

Barbara Stanny: Someone who knows who she is that is willing to express that in the world its someone who has that Iron fist and the velvet glove its someone who would rather be respected than liked its someone who is willing to take not only a stretch but a giant leap and if she falls flat on her face she gets back up its someone who has a higher purpose who is offering a purpose that is far greater than just making money it is someone who has a mission and a purpose in this world. A really big vision and is willing to do the tough, make the tough decisions that it takes to get there.

Alissa Kriteman: Would you say sacrificing?

Barbara Stanny: Trade-off,

Alissa Kriteman: Trade-off

Barbara Stanny: there is a difference between sacrifice and a trade off. Because we are always making trade offs even when we think we’re not making sacrifices we are but I prefer to call them trade offs and the powerful women that I have interviewed they talked in terms of trade offs there is always a price there is always a cost for any decision

Alissa Kriteman: If some were empowering too, its like okay I’m choosing this not that and I’m fully empowered to choose so that dramatic Oh I’m sacrificing this
Barbara Stanny: They make their trade off they make their choices based on their values not on what they should do, not on what someone else told them to do, not on the cultural heritage powerful women really know themselves they know what’s important they know their priorities and they know when to say yes when fits that priority and they know when to say no when doesn’t, you want me to give you an example?
Alissa Kriteman: yes please
Barbara Stanny: I interviewed a woman who had just been asked to be on the board of this company this very large company that was doing business in china and she was very excited because it’d been 2 days she was in Michigan twice a year she’d be getting an expense paid trip to san Francisco she’d meet all these amazing people blah blah blah blah blah but then she thought about it and she looked and she said you know my values, Chinese business is not important to me if I take that, I will be giving up the time with my partner, I will be giving up the time with my children I will be giving up the time to write my book and while it’d be a luscious fabulous adventure it doesn’t fit with my values

Alissa Kriteman: wow

Barbara Stanny: and she said no, that’s what power looks like

Alissa Kriteman:  I’m gonna add one thing here, you were talking a little bit in the beginning about the spiritual aspect of taking charge and waking up to your financial freedom um would you say and I’ve heard this before that the universe conspires to help you when you make those kinds of big value based choices in your life, what do you have to say about that do you know what I’m saying?

Barbara Stanny now this isn’t just based on my opinion okay, this is based on hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of interviews and thousands and thousands of conversations that when you make the decision to make more money to really get smart with money, like I made the decision when my father wouldn’t lend me money that being stupid was no longer an option I didn’t know how I was gonna do it I didn’t know what I was going to do when you make a decision a commitment and its based on whats right for you not what you think you should do, I absolute believe the universe revolves to help you reach your goal. Whenever you make a decision like that two things will happen theres no dou..  and if these two things aren’t happening I always tell people go back to the drawing board because your commitment, youre not committed to that whatever that goal or decision was and the first thing is theres going to be coincidence theres going to be amazing coincidence synchronies that will come into your life like you’ll just sit down on an airplane next to someone who has just the information you needed you’ll open the paper and it just the class you wanted you get a phone call and its just the person you needed to talk to and but those, heres the thing those coincidences are the opportunities, so you don’t have to figure how to do anything you just need to take advantage of those coincidences those opportunities and then the second thing will happen is you wont want to do it youre going to resist it, resistance is always part of change the key is to see your resistance and don’t let it stop you because anywhere you are when you’re here and you want to go there is a gap between here and there and that gap is what I call the discomfort zone and all success in anything I don’t care if its losing weight or managing money it always lies just outside the zone

Alissa Kriteman: yes

Barbara Stanny And so the key is and that this comfort zone is filled with tension the key is to use that anxiety to use that tension as a sign you’re going in the right direction not a sign something’s wrong it’s the universe telling you pushing you this is it I always say to everyone if you’re not feeling uncomfortable your not changing

Alissa Kriteman: wow, makes sense so you’re asking us to use that anxiety as the signal to keep going instead of to stop

Barbara Stanny and to get lots of support which the universe will always send you

Alissa Kriteman: yeah and not be afraid to ask for support from our friend or family and just let people know hey I’m changing my life and being confident enough to say I’m taking the reigns here

Barbara Stanny And you know something, you can be afraid, you can lack total confidence and you ask anyway.

Alissa Kriteman: hmmm
BARBARA STANNY because in my world and in the people the women that I’ve interviewed there’s no such thing as fearlessness when you go to make the changes

Alissa Kriteman: right

Barbara Stanny the key is to feel the fear to feel the doubt and to do it anyway

Alissa Kriteman: or I would say allow yourself to be vulnerable

Barbara Stanny: correct

Alissa Kriteman: yeah

Barbara Stanny: perfect. don’t let that fear stop you, that’s the key, don’t let you know what was amazing when I interview these women who make a lot of money, who are very successful, who are living life on their own terms, how many of them are afraid feel like a fraud and are afraid others going to find out you know that imposter syndrome

Alissa Kriteman: Wow

Barbara Stanny it is wild rampid among women but what I saw very early on is that that’s how I felt too but the difference between them and me is that they didn’t let that stop them

Alissa Kriteman: Gotcha, so women feel like imposters?

Barbara Stanny Oh yes, when I just spoke, I just spoke at um Harvard MBA Alumni, these were women who were the best and the brightest and very successful and when I started talking about this imposter syndrome that’s what got the discussion going they all couldn’t believe other people felt like that too… you mean other women feel like that.. yes, but we don’t talk about it

Alissa Kriteman: wow, your bringing major consciousness and so then what happens when we start to go oh I feel like an imposter too its like we can move it and move beyond it.

Barbara Stanny that’s right, when you hear when I heard women that I respected and admired and was like salivating if I could be as smart as them, if I could be as successful as them talk about the fraud the feeling like a fraud it was like wait a minute I feel like that too I can go out and do it anyway you know there’s I don’t mean to I’m not afraid of it anymore but you have no idea when I first started writing and speaking about money coming from the background that I did, of being a total loser with money when are they gonna figure it out, when are they gonna figure out I don’t know what Im talking about

Alissa Kriteman: hmmm

Barbara Stanny: until I realized it doesn’t matter because I, my intention is not to be right my intention is to inspire and motivate others

Alissa Kriteman: right

Barbara Stanny: to be better

Alissa Kriteman: okay I’m fascinated by this is the imposterness about making money, its not about making money, like these women know how to make money is it about managing their money?

Barbara Stanny: the imposter syndrome is going to the next level whenever often times when you go to the next level when you go to do something that your not comfortable doing when you go to do something you haven’t done before when you go to stretch when you go to take on that scary assignment when you go to say okay I’m gonna start investing in mutual funds or I’m gonna open a IRA, its like theres this being inside you this feeling that it says you don’t know what you’re talking about

Alissa Kriteman: gotcha

Barbara Stanny: you don’t know what your doing, I remember I gave a I was giving a overcoming under earning class one time and we were going around doing our goals saying what our goal was for the class and one woman says my goal is to get blanche to shut up and then I  said well who’s blanche? Thought she was in the wrong class and she said Blanche is the voice in my head that tells me how stupid I am… This other woman in the back of the room oh mines sister Mary Margaret she was the nun that told me I would never amount to anything well we all have those voices, we all have those voices and sometimes they never shut up mine sometimes get a little quiet, mine says you don’t have what it takes, you don’t know what your doing and the key is to look that voice square in the eye and say thank you for sharing and keep going

Alissa Kriteman: hmmm…  Oh my god we have to take one more break, and we have to come back because we have to we have to go over the realizations for financial enlightenment you are such a delight I could talk to you forever lets take a quick break come back and we will wrap up is Ak your host of just for women, I’m talking with Bs Oh my god this is this is ladies must get this book and when we come back I’ll tell you how to do exactly that we’ll be right back.

Alissa Kriteman: Welcome back this is Ak your host of Just for Women we are talking today with Bs who is author of Prince Charming isn’t Coming How Women Get Smart about money and what we’re really realizing is its not really about money its about power its about loving our self its about having fear and acting anyway its about going for it getting support all of these things we never thought as the underbelly of our power was taking on our financial wealth and freedom so Barbara in this last segment lets talk about what you call the seven realizations for financial enlightenment and I really love that you say enlightenment because this really is spiritual work that you’re doing you really are supporting women in um whole new ways of being, operating in the world, this really is transformation so lets talk about these seven realizations

Barbara Stanny: What happened when I interviewed women, who are smart with money I noticed 7 things claimed throughout every interview Every woman I interviewed came to a series of insights or aha’s that I call them realizations and there were 7 in all. And when I integrated those realizations into my thinking that’s when everything shifted for me, so these realizations by applying them to your own life and truly they don’t just apply to money they apply to anywhere they want to shift anywhere you want to shift your consciousness its when you apply it to money you realize why you’ve been having so much trouble. the first realization is a realization I had when my father wouldn’t lend me the money for those million dollars in tax bills its that realization that no one will do this for me Prince Charmin isn’t coming its up to me and when you get that in your gut that’s what brings you motivates you lights the fire the second realization and that is to start learning but learning follows a curve. I remember interviewing a woman who was very very savvy and sophisticated and this is when like at the very beginning and feeling like an absolute klutz around money and I remember saying to her oh my god your just so smart I don’t think I could ever be like that and she said to me Barbara you’re catching me on the tail end of a long learning curve. So when I understood the psychological phases of a learning curve, that part of a learning curve is getting on and realizing how much you don’t know, realizing how much there is to learn, feeling that overwhelmed and to keep reading, to keep listening, to keep talking to keep watching, and eventually you’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes you get stuck on that learning curve you get stuck which is the third realization all the answers aren’t out there and we talked about this earlier what ha all the answers aren’t out there we need to explore our attitudes, beliefs and feelings and decisions that we made about ourself and money that is determining our relationship with money and the choices that we make 4th realization is there are no secrets now this is a big one for me because I really grew up my whole life believing there are secrets about money that men know and some women and its like they just figure out what those secrets are and I actually heard overheard at a conference some one woman saying to another you know there are no secrets, theres just smart things smart people do that’s the 5th realization, that the 4th realization the 5th realization is really critical for women, this is a real biggie… risk is not synonymous with loss you  ask any woman when they hear the word risk what do they think of and they’ll immediately think of loss smart women understood risk is an opportunity for gain because the biggest risk you and I take as women is that we will outlive our money that our money will not grow as fast as the inflation and taxes will take it away so at least part of your part of your money needs to be invested in assets that will grow faster than inflations and taxes can take it away. So there are no secrets, risk is not synonymous with loss, and just as the first realization is no one will do this for me, the 6th realization is I don’t have to do this alone and I really am a big believer and the women that I interviewed were too, the women who had the highest were not necessarily the ones who made the most, or married the most, or inherited the most, but they were the ones who worked with financial professionals often in teams and that’s really critical. I believe its not a do it yourself project and that’s six , that’s the sixth I don’t have to do this alone and seven when you put these first six together and you realize you can do this you can manage you can understand and be responsible for your financial decisions you come to that seventh realization which is I can make a difference I can use my money to make a difference and that’s where the power is.

Alissa Kriteman: wow, and you said that we can apply these 7 realizations anywhere in our life and I was just thinking that this is one you know risk and loss I mean mostly you would think about that in terms of stocks, you know money, but I was thinking we can do that in relationships as well, and what we’re risking is being authentic… when we risk being our true selves I think inherently we’re afraid were gonna lose the relationship and most of the time its probably a good thing

Barbara Stanny: Whats truthful most of us do, including me, we do is we hold ourselves, we put up walls we have our own little set of armor so we don’t get hurt because risk in relationship means getting hurt so we protect ourselves so we hold back which the irony of that is we have more of a chance of disconnecting with that person than if we let our armor down, we took the risk to get closer, and we learn from every relationship, we learn from every step we take with money we learn from it all

Alissa Kriteman: Tell me a little bit more about that the bridge between being financially savvy and how that affects our I’ll say intimate relationships or marriages because one of the things you said is that the number one reason for divorce and I don’t know when this statistic came out is money.

Barbara Stanny: but truly its not. Any time we argue about money, any time we have a problem that we say the reason is money any time we cant do something we say its money its never about money, never ever ever, money is a smokescreen, you look at every relationship where they’re fighting about money and you go underneath it and you’ll see its often a power struggle its often a lack of communication, its often fear and mistrust but the key is to look under those arguments about money until you get to the heart of it the meat of it whats really going on and its only when you can feel fluent financially that you can subturely and confidently have those kinds of discussions. Women are so afraid when they start talking about money, they’ll rock the boat they’ll upset the apple cart you know all those clichés and its true, its true but in order to create a new relationship in order to create a relationship of equality and true inception those are the kind of discussions we need to have

Alissa Kriteman: got it and it goes back to having that fear and acting anyway

Barbara Stanny: having that fear and acting it anyway, yes

Alissa Kriteman: cuz I’ll say most women who maybe are in marriages or long term committed relationships right now know that theres problems they’re not addressing

Barbara Stanny:oh yes, we all have it in our life,

Alissa Kriteman: yeah,

Barbara Stanny: we all have it even if we’re not in a relationship in overcoming under earning the first step to going to the next level in your life whether it is money which or relationships its about telling the truth its also telling the truth about your strengths and your skills and your you know kind of honoring those and we can really come from that place of truth because we don’t want to see the truth because then we’ll have to do something about it but what I found from all my interviews when you tell yourself the truth that awareness itself will start a process going that will that will unearth the solution you don’t have to figure it out

Alissa Kriteman: ummm I love it, it’s a great segway into also talking more about what you have to offer, talked about your um Be Your Own Prince Charming course you have Overcoming Under earning course which is mostly sounds like a foundation of it is telling the truth

Barbara Stanny: well theres also a lot of steps there too and I also have a course that I like It’s a 2 hour workshop that I like to for coaches or financial advisors or anyone who wants to help women with their money issues and its called Secrets of Successful High Earners and thats been a really powerful workshop

Alissa Kriteman: Great so you have technology you can actually license

Barbara Stanny: I like , yeah that’s right that’s right

Alissa Kriteman: And tell me again, secrets of

Barbara Stanny: Secrets of Successful High Earners if you ever have an opportunity see that being offered take advantage of it it’s a great workshop
Alissa Kriteman: and that’s can be found on your website right which is Barbara Stanny which is S T A N N Y no E Dot com and how can women get in touch with you through email,  is there

Barbara Stanny: through my website theres a place where it says contact me and they can get right to me

Alissa Kriteman: perfect and um you’ve got CD’s there, books there, video clips, and free audio downloads, yeah?

Barbara Stanny: Yeah

Alissa Kriteman: Great

Barbara Stanny: yeah we have a lot of stuff on there

Alissa Kriteman: and listeners I’d also like to let you know that you can email me at Alisa, A-L-I-S-S-A at personal life media dot com feel free to send me your comments on this show ask questions and offer any other ideas for  topics you might like me to cover on the show. Ah, I hate to let you go Barbara I could talk to you all day long you are fascinating and captivating and I’m sure you have a calendar of the events, yeah? Where you’re going next?

Barbara Stanny: I do its on my website, this has been fun cuz I haven’t been able to talk about money and relationships and how that works money and men or women and that there theres a whole fascinating body of knowledge so thanks for giving me that opportunity.

Alissa Kriteman: My pleasure you know a lot of my shows I interviewed some sex and intimacy coaches not too long ago and its like you have one of the number one things women want to learn about is how to have a better orgasm and what you’re saying is get out of your head get out of your fear you know it is like so inexplicable linked all of these little all of these unconscious little pockets of our life and I love that you are making that connection because I don’t think women are making that connection

Barbara Stanny:  But Studies have shown that there is a connection and its not just about getting out of your body getting out of your head that that would be too hard for me to do I know its important but for me its getting deeper inside me understanding what makes me tick doing what I’m afraid to do really having a relationship with money which means knowing that I am a responsible adult feeling the strength and power that come from that yeah, that that makes for great sex

Alissa Kriteman: Barbara Stanny thank you so much for being on Just for Women, its such a pleasure to talk to you and that brings us to the end of the show listeners also can request a transcript of this show and other shows on personal life media network please visit our website at personal life media dot com this is your host Alissa Kriteman always expanding your choices here on just for women in dating and relationships and sex see you next time.

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