Episode 22 - “What a Man Wants, What a Man Needs” with Dr. Amir Sabongui

"What a Man Wants, What a Man Needs" with Dr. Amir Sabongui

This program is brought to you by personallifemedia.com. 

[intro music]

Alissa Kriteman:  Welcome to "Just for Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex". I'm your host, Allisa Kriteman. This show is dedicated to bringing you today's top experts in the areas of dating, relationships, sex, love, intimacy, attraction, and so much more. Today I'm very excited to have Dr. Amir Georgess Sabongui; ((french)) Did I say that correct?

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  That's lovely. (french) With my French accent or my real accent? Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui. It's so much better in French, doesn't it?

Alissa Kriteman:  That is why I tried to say it in French. What a hot name! Amir, otherwise known as Doc, but I'm gonna call you Amir, I really like that name, Amir. He's Egyptian and French, ladies. Alright, we'll try to focus. Amir has a Phd. in Clinical Psychology. He is a professional speaker and author of several books and articles on health, well-being, relationships, and the craft of dating. He has produced popular DVDs on dating manuals for men and dating secrets for women, and I'm very excited to have him on the show today because we're gonna talk about what men want, and then we're gonna talk about what men _really_ want.

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  You know, this is a great question, because I think that if woman can understand the mind of men a little bit better, it would just take me so much frustration. So today I'm gonna teach woman the golden rule of dealing with men. Let's say you're out for a drive with your bo (sp)... with your lover. Who's usually driving the car?

Alissa Kriteman:  The man.

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  He better be driving, right? We know that women love a man who drives (in the relationship). So your man is driving and you're sitting there, it's a beautiful sunny day and you're just out for a drive in the country, and you turn to your man and you say: "Um, honey, are you hungry?". And he says "Oh, good question, hold on a sec, let me check, stomach, you hungry? No? Ok, alright, thank you. No, honey, thanks for asking" And then you're sitting there and the temperature in the car instantly drops 20 degrees and you're furious, and you (?) it's like "I can't believe he's such a selfish bastard, what's he thinking, uh!". And the poor guy, hapless (?) "Honey, are you Ok?" "I'm fine!" "Oh, you don't look fine, did I say something wrong?" "Huh, no, if you don't know what you did wrong, I'm not gonna tell you" But I would invite the women out there to challenge themselves to actually say what they mean, because, go back to rule number one, because, even smart guys are kind of dumb. And so, the worst fear for a man is that he's gonna screw it up, he's gonna read the wrong thing, he's not gonna be able to read your mind, he's gonna wind up in the dog house. And my friends and I've come up with this... we're in the doghouse so often that now we call it "The chateau-chien". It's not just a doghouse anymore, we've decorated it like a chateau, because we spend so much time there!

Alissa Kriteman:  So, Amir, thank you so much for being on the show, welcome.

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  You know, the first time I got the invitation to come and meet you I was so delighted to do this interview, and I've been looking for an excuse to come back just so I could do this interview with you. So thank you for inviting me to come then.

Alissa Kriteman:  It's my pleasure, thank you. You're such a joy to talk to, so... tell us what the men want.

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  You know, this is a great question, because I think that if women can understand the mind of men a little bit better, it would just take away so much frustration. So today I'm gonna teach women the golden rule of dealing with men; and the number one rule, when you're dealing with men, and I want every woman to take out a pen and write this down, because this will solve 99% of all your relationship problems. All ready, ladies? Alissa, is your pen ready?

Alissa Kriteman:  Pen ready.

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  The number one rule of dealing with men is... that men... are... dumb. And when I say that men are dumb I don't mean that dumb men are dumb, everybody knows that. But I mean even really smart and socially gifted men are kinda clueless. And so, if you are sending out this signals, you're interested in the guy, and you're sending out signals to show that you're interested, and he doesn't respond, it's because he didn't read the signals; because men are dumb.

Alissa Kriteman:  Dumb in love. They're not dumb, I have a hard time at that, because I love men, and they're brilliant, but so let's clarify.

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  Well, I said, not only dumb men are dumb. I mean, really bright men are also dumb when it comes to heart.

Alissa Kriteman:  Got it.

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  And even I'm kind of dumb. I'll give an example on how dumb I am. Now, I'm a relationship expert, I'm supposed to be an expert in body language and communication and all this stuff, and, um... I was out with some friends, and in my profession, I mean, the reason why I chose to be a psychologist is because it was like 80% of the people in the class are women. So this is great, I'm just gonna go with all the women, and I love women. So, in my profession most of the psychologists I know are women. So, afterwards, when we were all out having drinks, and I'm standing at the bottom of the stairs in this bar, and this woman floats down the stairs, and as she arrives to the last step she sort of puts her hand on my shoulder and, you know, bounces off ever so gently off the last step and gives me this great beaming smile, "Thank you!", and she, you know, just flitters off. And my female colleague that I was with slaps me in the arm and she says "I hope you're gonna go talk to her". I said "Um... why?" "She's obviously interested!" "You think? Maybe she only needed like a hand to get off the stair.". And she just rolled her eyes and said "Oh my god, you're so dumb". So, I'm supposed to be an expert at this, and I can't always read the cueues, the really subtle cueues of what women are communicating. So I'll give you an example of how this gets men and women into trouble, and every guy and every girl has had this experience. So you know, let's say you're out for a drive with your bo (?), with your lover. Who's usually driving the car?

Alissa Kriteman:  The man.

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  He better be driving, right? We know that women love a man who drives (in the relationship). So your man is driving and you're sitting there, it's a beautiful sunny day and you're just out for a drive in the country, and you turn to your man and you say: "Um, honey, are you hungry?". And he says "Oh, good question, hold on a sec, let me check, stomach, you hungry? No? Ok, alright, thank you. No, honey, thanks for asking" And then you're sitting there and the temperature in the car instantly drops 20 degrees and you're furious, and you (?) it's like "I can't believe he's such a selfish bastard, what's he thinking, uh!". And the poor guy, hapless (?) "Honey, are you Ok?" "I'm fine!" "Oh, you don't look fine, did I say something wrong?" "Huh, no, if you don't know what you did wrong, I'm not gonna tell you" Everybody's had this experience, right? So what's the problem with this?

Alissa Kriteman:  I've never had that experience. (laughter)

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  Lie! You lie like a cheap rug.

Alissa Kriteman:  I've been doing this work too long. (laughter)

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  So everybody knows what this experience is like. So what's the problem here? The problem is the guy was listening to the very first level of communication, which is what she said. She said "Are you hungry", but he missed the second level of communication which is what she meant. So when she says "Are you hungry" what she really means is... what's he ought... how do we do like this, Alissa?

Alissa Kriteman:  "I am so hungry, I would love it if you would pull over to my favourite restaurant that you know is right around the corner, and whisk me in there and order me my favourite vegan milkshake, without milk" (laughter)

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  And the poor hapless guy is like sitting there, he knows he's done something wrong. He has just no idea what it is. And the woman is fuming because he obviously can't read her mind, because what she said is not really what she meant. So if you only listen to what people say we're very boring conversationalists, and this is where a guys get into real trouble. Then guys are good at listening to what people say, they're just not so good at listening what people mean. And then, of course, beyond this two levels of communication there's the third one, which is "what's the need that's being communicated here?" So, in my workshops with men, I try teaching them these different levels of communication, I try to teach them, you know, to always go beyond the manifest and into the real meaning of things. But I would invite the women out there to challenge themselves to actually say what they mean because, go back to rule number one, because, even smart guys are kind of dumb. And so the woman is hungry and she says "Hey, I'm hungry, let's pull over". The guy will be probably more than happy to say "Ok, yeah, no problem". But it takes that pressure off him. Guys are always trying to read your mind, trying to "Ok, uh, uh, what is it gonna take right now to make you happy?". They're doing that for two reasons. The first reason is that men love to fix things. We love to be problem solvers because it makes us feel needed. But the second reason we wanna make you happy is because we really like you when you're happy! Because then we get the bennefit of being with a joyous, glorious, radiant woman. So for very selfish reasons I think men want you to be happy. And for actually a more deeply profound reason men want you to be happy. So, that's it.

Alissa Kriteman:  (laughs) You're like "Here's the first two things", so... you're supporting us, and asking for what we want, you know, men are not mind readers, we don't have to make it so difficult for them, and beyond that, we don't have to get upset when they really don't know, and I agree. I think women, for the most part, think that men are in some way, shape or form aggravating us on purpose, because we think that they know and they're just not giving it to us, when really, they really don't know, they're not paying attention at that level. And so, we can give them that benefit of the doubt, and just ask for what we want. And it empowers us to really know what we want and to be able to ask for it. And then, the second thing you said was "Men really wanna make us happy". So, you do have some other interesting things about what men really want, and it's the kind of empowered woman, which is what my show is all about, which is why I wanted to talk to you today about this sort of empowered woman's power. Really, and how to be affective (sp) with men, and so, what is your take on that?

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  Well, there's two things, I think a woman who really embraces her feminine power is so sexy. And we were talking about this the other day, you and I, Alissa, about how...

Alissa Kriteman:  (Corrects him) Alissa.

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  (with french accent) Aliiiisa. It's very delicious when it comes like this, Aliiisa, it's very delicious (french word) (laughter). Anyways...

Alissa Kriteman:  I knew you we're gonna try that, didn't you, somewhere!

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui: (with french accent) But it is most sexy! But anyways, I think that somehow in North America we got it wrong when we thought that there's no power in femininity, which is completely not true. Just go to Europe and you will see some very feminine but very powerful women. And I would love to challenge North American women to also feel their power in the femininity. One of the things that men are terrified of is, you know, they know they're gonna screw up. And they know that they're not sharp enough to figure out why they screwed up, because they know that they're sort of watching the world in black and white, and the rest of... and women are the world in surround-sound plasma-screen. And so we understand that there's a whole level of existence that's happening that we don't really have access to, that we're not tapping into. And it's kinda like a ripoff, you know, we feel kinda ripped off about this, because it'd be nice to understand how people talk with their eyes, we women often do, and all this stuff. And so the worst fear for a man is that he's gonna screw it up, he's gonna read the wrong thing, he's not gonna be able to read your mind, and he's gonna wind up in the dog house. And my friends and I've come up with this... we're in the doghouse so often that now we call it "The chateau-chien". It's not just a doghouse anymore, we've decorated it like a chateau, because we spend so much time there!

Alissa Kriteman:  Oh, that's so sad but cute at the same time! (laughter) And do you have an array of dog food, and your water, and...

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  We spend lots of time in the chateau-chien, it's very nice. But you can help us out, and I... I'll tell you, one of the things I've been doing is a lot of research on what men want, and what men really want. And... I'll just go through a list, that I think are the top five things that men are looking for in a woman. And if a woman can transmit this in her everyday life, in everything that she does, and in who she really is, and radiate that outwards, I think it's just absolutely delectable and delicious, because this is truly what men are looking for to resonate with, and to complement their masculinity. And... I'll just list them in order and then I'll go on and describe each one. The first one is beauty, and of course all the women are rolling their eyes, yeah, that's right, you know, we just have to get plastic surgery and all this... no! No, no, no no no. Beauty is actually something that radiates from the inside. Women are so hard on their looks. Often, when a woman will dress, she'll dress in a way to de-emphasize their negatives, rather than dressing in a way that'll really play up the positives. We all have flaws, there's always something about our body that we don't like. You know, I'm in a point in my life now where having a bad hair day is better than having a no hair day. So, there's nothing I can do about it. I just gotta embrace it, right? Yeah, there you go. So, nothing I can do about it, I'm gonna stop worrying about my little faults and stop trying to hide them, and I'm just gonna embrace it, and instead, just dress up in a way that plays up my positives. The second one is, um, beauty. Let's see, I would say the second most important thing is youthfulness. Now, I didn't say young, I didn't say you have to be 18 years old, but I said you have to be youthful. And youthfulness is something that, that...  we really embrace our inner child. I was doing this beautiful tour of the coutryside with a girlfriend a few years ago, and we stopped at this little bed & breakfast, and this little old lady must've been about 80 years old. She leads us up to our bedroom, and she opens the door: "So this'll be your bedroom for the night", you know, "I hope you really enjoy it, but just be careful, the bed's a little squeaky!". And she just giggled off as she left, and she was so beautiful in that moment, because here's this 80-year-old woman who's being a little bit mischievous, very youthful, and to me, very sexy. And I thought "This woman must've been just the sexiest woman when she was younger" So, because she's still very youthful, even though she's now in her eighties. So being youthful is about being spontaneous, it's about embracing life, being curious, allowing yourself to be swept up in the moment. A lot of women that I know feel it's their responsability to keep their man grounded. So the man comes home with his crazy plan, and it's your responsability to bring him back down to earth. And that is so negative. Why would anybody wanna clip somebody else's wings? You don't like when a man rains on your parade. You have dreams and fantasies, and you know that there's a higher you that's being called up to evolve and grow. And you want a men who can see that, who sometimes can even see the potential in you that you can't even see in yourself. So I would invite all the women to be that inspiration for their man, by being more youthful and inspiring. If you want a man that you can admire, then you can create this man, you can create a man that you can admire, by showing him that there's something admirable about him that maybe he doesn't even see in himself.

Alissa Kriteman:  Mmm, I like that play! Beauty, youthfulness, we have to take a break to support our sponsors, but when we come back, we're gonna hear the rest of this list of Amir's top five fantastic things, ladies, that he wants us to know about really being empowered in our relationships with men. And also we're gonna take it a little deeper, and so, this is Alissa Kriteman, your host of "Just for women: dating, relationships and sex". I'm talking with Amir, say it...

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  (with french accent) Amir Georges Sabongui

Alissa Kriteman:  (laughs) And we'll be right back.

Announcer:  Listen to "Beauty Now", the intersection of cosmetic surgery, longevity and biomedical innovation. For confident decisions in preventitive aging, on personallifemedia.com

(break)

Alissa Kriteman:  Welcome back to "Just for women: dating, relationships and sex". I'm your host, Alissa Kriteman. I'm with Amir Georges...

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  Sabongui.

Alissa Kriteman:  Sabongui. Oh, that is such an amazing name. Amir Sabongui, who is a relationship expert, and we are talking about how to be effective with men, and what we can do as women to really be empowered. Not only understand men, but understand what is really attractive to a man. And so, before the break, we were talking about beauty, not just superficial beauty, but who we are on the inside, and really playing up our natural attributes as women, and really loving and owning them, and presenting them, being right with ourselves, that is beautiful. The other, the second thing, is youthfulness, again, not some kind of way to go against the natural aging process, but really having a youthful, young, curious approach to life and all things. And so Amir is going to continue on with his perspective on how we can be very powerful with our men.

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  The third thing on our little list is sensuality, and remember that every criteria, every quality that a man is looking for in a woman is really a complement to something that he doesn't have. So, men crave the sensuality that women bring to their lives, because... a man knows how to furnish his home, but he doesn't know how to decorate it. A men knows how to cook, but he doesn't know how to cook with flare, or... it's all these little details, sensual details of texture and color and softness that a woman brings to a man's life, that he cannot bring to his own life. So, when I say sensual, it also means sexual, but it also means this whole world that men don't see, because they live in a black and white world, and they know that women live in a world that's full of color, technicolor with surround sound. And bringing that sensuality to their lives is something that they can't do for themselves. And the more comfortable a woman becomes in her body, the more comfortable the man will be to take you places, because he knows that he can lead you to places, and you won't resist. So sensual also means getting comfortable and taking ownership for your sexuality. And I think that is a hugely important thing, and I think this is really one of the biggest benefits of the... of the feminist movement, is that it gave women a licence to take ownership for their sexuality. So number four is fun, on our list. I would love women to not feel like they have to be the serious one in the relationship. I would love mothers to feel that they didn't have to be the disciplinary in the family. I would love women to give themselves permission to have more fun. And I know a lot -- it's really hard for a lot of women to just relax, because the little hamster inside is always going "I got so much to do". And being fun is the opposite of doing. On a Saturday afternoon begin to actually look at the dishes that have to be done, and the list of shopping, groceries, etc, and actually, just saying "You know what, I'm actually gonna have a day today where... we're just gonna go for ice cream in the park". And be fun, spontaneous, and embrace that. And the last thing, number five on the list, is nurturing. Now, all the women have just cringed and said "Uhh, I don't wanna be his mother, I don't want to baby this guy". But understanding that nurturing is, to me, the real source of feminine power. At some point in our lives we were all completely helpless and dependent, and it was our own mother's nurturing that helped her protect us and helped us to survive. And for me, that is extremely power, and that's where the feminine power, to me, resides. I'll give you an example, I was walking home recently and I saw this big brute of a guy, about 6"5, 350 pounds, tattoos up the arms, big beard, and he was just yelling at somebody. And a few minutes later -- and this is not the kind of guy you want to get in front of -- but a few minutes later I saw him in the park, sitting on a park bench, with his girlfriend, who probably didn't weigh more than a 100 pounds, and she was just stroking the back of his neck, speaking to him in a very calm, soothing, nurturing tone, and she had completely subdued this beast. And he was just sitting on the bench like (makes animal sounds), and his eyes kind of glazed over, and she completely had him in her grasp. Now, this woman, who's being very feminine, and extremely powerful, in that she had completely seduced and subdued this brute. Imagine trying to send the man into that situation, just trying to calm this guy, he would've just exploded, because he would've used his masculine power to try to force this man to submit, and it would've been a horrible scene. But she was so much more powerful than that, and she was able to use her feminine power to do it, and that's where I think nurturing comes in as the most powerful thing that women can offer man. And I'd just like to open a really important sign on here that this notion of offering the nurturing, to me, is something that women really should know about men, is that it's really lonely to be a man, ultimately. It's cold out there, and the men are always out there fighting. And what they crave more than anything else is to be able to come home to a sanctuary, and that sanctuary is, I think, the absolutely most precious gift that a woman can offer a men. Because we don't have that in any other part of our lives. So the man is more than happy to go out there and fight and hunt and take the bruises and knocks of everyday life, if he knows that he can come home to a sanctuary. And so, when a man comes home and gets nagged or confronted, or picked on by his woman, it's a real profound violation, because he says "You know what, not only is it hard and cruel out there, it's also hard and cruel in the one place that I don't want to have to fight, in the one place in my whole life where I want to be able to just drop my guard, drop my boundaries, and just be comfortable." And so this is why when a man comes home, and he gets confronted at the door, he'll just shut down, and he'll retrieve into his cave, he'll go to the basement, he'll disconect, he'll disengage from the relationship. And I understand that, I understand why women do it, I mean, sometimes a woman will feel abandoned, and she need to provoke the engagement, and maybe picking a fight is one way to provoke some kind of engagement with him. But the man doesn't see it as that, he doesn't see her say "I miss you, I feel abandoned, I need to reconnect with you". All he's saying... all he's experiencing is "Wow, I was fighting all day out there, and now I come home and have to fight all day in here too. There's no safe place for me". And that's men's reality, it's an extremely cold and extremely lonely place for men to live. And that's why they shut down and live these isolated lives, even in their relationships. And a lot of women experience this as feeling lonely in a relationship. Well, this is the great rip-off, because both members of the relationship feel lonely, the man and the woman, and that's a great rip-off in a relationship.

Alissa Kriteman:  Is it that interesting, so what you're saying is both have a tendency to become isolated, and what's in the gap there is this massive lack of a) understanding, and b) communication, which is why I like having people such as yourself on the show, and we did a show with Herb Goldberg, who's also a psychologist as well. Educating us on who men are, talking very much about the male process and how men are geared towards isolation, and if we as women can understand this, we have a much better ability to be effective in our relationships with men, and not perpetuate that isolation that you're saying they just want a refuge from.

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  Yeah, well, and really, this, to me, a woman who gets that, that is so noble, to be able to create that sanctuary. I mean, a man will literaly, literaly die for you if he feels he has that sactuary. And if you've ever felt lonely in a relationship because you didn't feel like your man would fight for you, is because he doesn't feel protected. He doesn't feel that there's something to fight for. Create that sanctuary and, I'm telling you, there is not a man out there who wouldn't literally die for you in order to protect you. And men want to feel that, men want to feel that there's something worth fighting for, something worth dying for, that's so precious, because that's something he knows he can never find on his own. I just wanna say, along the same process, about how men are willing to die for you. You know, a lot of women complain that they feel lonely because their man is so emotionally constipated or so emotionally constricted, and you have to understand that they have trained themselves to shut down emotionally, because there's no emotional outlets for men that are safe in society. They can tap in to some very primal emotions like rage and anger, that they don't know how to control, and it's better not to feel it, because they know that if they tap into it, it can lead to a very dangerous place. So, if a woman looses emotional control, I mean, what's the worst that can happen, she, I don't know, maybe she'll throw her plate, maybe she'll leave in lash out and hit her man. And that's not right, but she can allow herself to lose control, because she knows that the consequences aren't, you know, really grave, and, in fact, I had a come consult me in my clinic, whose wife would physically beat him. And of course, when he called the police, they laughed at him, because, this is... "What are you talking about, you're a man, you can't have this problem". There's, like, no resources for men who are physically abused in their relationships. You know, it's a very common occurrence. So, he knows that even though she's allowed to loose control emotionally, he can never ever loose control, because if he lashes out, and hits her, the consequences are so much more serious, and the damage can be so much more profound. So, instead of even giving the posibility that he's gonna tap into those primal emotions and loose control, he would much rather just completely shut down and retreat back into his cave, or isolate himself, or walk out the door. And of course, this is exactly what you don't want, you wanted to provoke this engagement, you wanted to know that he feels something, or cares enough to react, and yet it's provoking a shutdown response because he knows he can't allow himself to go there.

Alissa Kriteman:  So what you're saying is basically, have engagements that're healty, and... forwarding what we really want instead of trying to manipulate or unconsciously get what we want in a way that's been destructive. But I wanna take it a little deeper because you said a man wants to feel protected, but so do women, so I can see where this information is really great for a woman who's single, and getting into a relationship undestanding "Alright, this is what guys are looking for, basically, melting it down to sexy, fun and caring, and being this sanctuary", but what's the dynamic if you are already in a relationship, the man is feeling isolated, both people are feeling alienated, and both want to be protected? Like, where do you go from there?

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  Well, I think that... one of the cleverest things I've ever heard was... somebody boiled down the function of men and women, and a woman's biological function is to protect the child, and a father's biological function is to protect the mother. So there is that sense of protection from both of them, and men really -- when a man cares about it he really has this overwhelming, hardwired need to feel like he can protect her from the outside world--, whereas he also has this need to feel like he can let his guard down when he's home. That's the sanctuary part. So, he'll protect you from any outside threats, but he doesn't want to have any threats from the inside. That's the difference. No friendly fire. We'll fight the enemy together, but we don't wanna have a friendly fire instead in here.

Alissa Kriteman:  Wow, fantastic. Thank you, Amir, I loved that, it's just... fantastic information and, you know, this whole "die for", having a man die for you, I've heard that in another interview we did with the authentic San Francisco group, Travis Decker, who has talking about. We did a panel of men, and they were saying "A man will die for you if he feels like you've got his back". And so, as we wrap up here, if someone is in a relationship, and she doesn't feel like she has her man's back, whether they're married or dating, what can we do? What can we do to maneuver into a place where we really feel authenticaly that we have our man's back?

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  I truly believe that deep down women actually crave to do this, but for some reason, we intelectually short-circuit this desire to create a sanctuary. I have a lot of friends who are very, almost over-educated, Phds, very succesful, very driven. They are women who are in their masculine energy all the time. And because that masculine drive has helped the achieve, achieve, achieve, they try to bring that masculine drive to the relationship. And it doesn't work, because the man is more than happy to go out and achieve, achieve, achieve, as long as he doesn't feel like he has to achieve at home. So sometimes taking the pressure off yourself, to always have to achieve and do, will allow the man to take some of the pressure off too. So, sometimes, you know, if you think about the most delicious and significant moments you spent in your life, I would say, you know, in one year there's 365 days that go by, but unfortunately, of those 365 days we only remember about a dozen of them. If you think back over the last year, to what dozen days really stand out for you, you'll probably notice that they weren't days that you were busy achieving or doing anything. They were days that you were just being. And if we can remember that, that going forward, next year, I'm gonna also live 365 days, so why don't I plan out, intentionally, today, the twelve days that I'm gonna choose to remember. Or maybe I'll wake up and intentionally start every day saying "What if I can make this one of those days that I'm gonna remember a year from now, twenty years from now, fourty years from now? I'm gonna create that day that I can remember". And I didn't create in by achieving or doing, I probably created it by being, and creating a space where my lover and I can just spend one whole day just being with each other, where I'm not making demands of him, he doesn't feel like he has to perform for me, that we're really co-creating this wonderful sanctuary together.

Alissa Kriteman:  I love it. And I love the peace about being empowered doesn't necessarily mean being in that masculine go-go-go drive all the time, that what a man really needs is that feminine accents in this sort of sanctuary where we can both relax, and really letting ourselves relax, even though we're out there achieving all of these things, that's not necessarily effective in relationships.

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  Right, and I don't know how many powerful women have told me they're happy being powerful women out there in the corporate world, but they really truly crave is coming home to a man who can make her feel like a woman. Now, when you... every woman gets intuitevly what that means. But when a man says "I don't know, what does she mean when she says she wants to... she wants me to make her feel like a woman?". Well, somewhere in there, he has to be strong enough to allow you to abandon yourself, so that when you're in his arms, you don't feel like you have to perform, and be, and do. So, allowing him to be masculine in the relationship, also gives you permission now to abandon, and release, and be feminine.

Alissa Kriteman:  That's a whole other conversation, isn't it? And I know you do that work with men, so Amir Sabongui, where can we find you? He's from Canada, so... we can say this? He's from Montreal? Tell us where are you located.

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  Well I'd invite all the listeners, men and women, because I know that some of the men are eavesdropping on this conversation... yeah, wonderful, and I would invite them to come drop by my website, and if you'd like to send me your comments I would love to hear your comments. And the website is truelifeskills.com , and I'd love to have your feedback and comments because it always helps me to tailor the workshops and seminars, and find out how can I help people achieve greater relationships.

Alissa Kriteman:  Fantastic, and Amir comes to the United States quite a lot, and, again, truelifeskills.com . Also, listeners, I'd like to let you know you can email me, alissa, [email protected] . I would love to hear your comments and any other ideas that you have for future shows. I know undestanding men is one big topic, and which is why I like to have men like Amir on here. Check out his website, he's got a lot of interesting things to say. And, for text and transcripts of this show and other shows in the personallifemedia network, please visit our website at personallifemedia.com And that brings us to the end of the show, thank you listeners for listening, and thank you Amir for being with us, you're always a delight.

Dr. Amir Georges Sabongui:  Merci beaucoup, Alissa, tu est deliciousse (french, sp?)

Alissa Kriteman:  This is Alissa Kriteman, always expanding your choices here on Just for women: dating, relationships and sex.

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