Episode 53 - Aymee Coget, Sustainable Happiness Expert, answers your questions about Self- Love!
It is always so much fun to talk with Aymee Coget, Sustainable Happiness Expert! In this second interview we do a review of how to have a happy life by following the MAPS process: 1) sense of Meaning, 2) being your Authentic self, 3) sense of Purpose, 4) utilizing Strengths.
We talk about the importance of connecting with our hearts before we speak, as Aymee points out in her version of Heart Centered Communication. We do a great exercise you can use in your own life to get out of your head (mind) and more connected with your heart before you speak: hand on heart, feel heart beat, ask self question you want an answer to, wait for a response.
We hear about Aymee’s Triple A’s for creating positive relationships: Admiration, Appreciation and Affection -- and how powerful they are for getting back to focusing on the LOVE in our relationships. We talk about the importance of Self Love and creating a positive self-image and finally, we answer some questions from the Just for Women audience. So, tune IN if you want to TUNE UP your life with love, joy and happiness!
Alissa Kriteman: Welcome to Just For Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex. I’m your host, Alissa Kriteman. This show is dedicated to bringing you insight and wisdom from today’s leading relationship experts. Today on the show I’m very happy to welcome back Aymee Coget, sustainable happiness expert who’s going to talk to us about how we can sustain happiness in our lives and especially in our intimate relationships. In our second segment, Aymee’s going to answer some questions that I’ve received from you, the Just For Women audience. So listeners, please know that you can email me anything that you want to have answered, and just send your emails to Alissa, a-l-i-s-s-a, @personallifemedia.com ([email protected]).
Aymee Coget: Utimonic happiness is coming from the heart center, which is the state of being, which is not in our mind. Our mind has been influenced by society, our culture, our family, advertising, everything, so it’s really difficult to come into our authentic happiness through our mind, if not impossible. Heart based communication I find is really essential in relationships because it really cuts through all the bs, that our mind really tells us what is going on.
Aymee Coget: I realized there was one key element in all relationships. Of course, relationships are extremely multi faceted and multi dimensional, and there are many aspects to a relationships, and so I’ve been doing an experiment in my own relationship where I only focus on my love for this person, and I don’t focus on the things that he doesn’t do or that I wish he did do or the things that he’s going to do in the future, the things that he’d say or the things that he didn’t say. It’s just about the love.
Aymee Coget: Unhappiness doesn’t come from any person, place or thing. You are empowered for your own happiness and you are in charge of your own happiness, and no one is really going to give you the type of happiness that you can give yourself, so it’s unfair to put someone else in the position to make you happy or unhappy.
Alissa Kriteman: Welcome back to Just For Women, Aymee.
Aymee Coget: Thanks, Alissa. I’m happy to be here.
Alissa Kriteman: So, lets talk about, as a review, you are the sustainable happiness expert, what is sustainable happiness?
Aymee Coget: I’m so happy that you asked that because most people don’t know. In fact, when they have the idea of sustainable happiness, they picture this wild crazy cheerleader type going “Rah, rah, sis, coom, rah”, all over, and that’s, unfortunately that’s totally impossible for us human beings to experience. So really when I talk about sustainable happiness, I’m not talking about the positive emotion of happiness that comes when good events happen to us. I’m talking about that deep inner contentment that is in our heart center that is really more of a focus on a state of being instead of an emotion.
Alissa Kriteman: Okay, so state of being versus an emotion, but wouldn’t you, what are the building blocks to get to a state of being of happy.
Aymee Coget: Right. Well actually this type of happiness is called eudaimonic, e-u-d-a-i-m-o-n-i-c, eudaimonic. E-u is good, damon is spirit, i-c is nature of. So, everyone has the ability to really discover this in themselves, this nature of a good of spirit and there are four major components of this. One is having a sense of meaning in life. Another one is being your authentic self. Another one is having a sense of purpose in life. And the last one is utilizing your strengths. I use the acronym ‘maps’, meaning authenticity, purpose and strengths, finding your maps to happiness.
Alissa Kriteman: So how do you help someone, because you do coaching with people about how to have happiness in their lives. How do you apply this to them?
Aymee Coget: Well this is definitely a three-month process. It’s not something that people can come to terms with immediately a lot of the time. I’ll start backward with the strengths. The strengths are determined by a scientific assessment called the VIA Strengths Survey, and that’s Values In Action, and this is science’s way of telling us what is good about our self. So this particular assessment take 30 to 45 minutes and you can log onto authentichappiness.com and take the test for yourself. It’s free, it’s easy and everybody wants to know what’s good about themselves, right?
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, you know, we talked about this on the last interview and I actually went and did that survey, and so I highly recommend, ladies, gentlemen, all listening, go and take that survey because you get, it distills down your top four characteristics, and then, or the top five, top five characteristics, and then it’s as though someone else is telling you, “Hey, this is, these are your specific strengths. Capitalize on them.”
Aymee Coget: Absolutely. If we could really just funnel all of our energy into utilizing our strengths everyday, it’d be a miracle.
Alissa Kriteman: Okay, great. So you start out with this three-month process with the strengths. What’s next?
Aymee Coget: Well, the authentic self definitely comes from the heart, which people are a little disconnected with these days, and we’ll be talking about that in further depth later, so we’ll come back to that, but the purpose really, I offer questions to people such as what is the change that you want to see in the world and how can I utilize my strengths to achieve that change and what do I want to be remembered for when I die?
Alissa Kriteman: Kind of like Ghandi?
Aymee Coget: Absolutely.
Alissa Kriteman: And then that would feed into what’s your meaning in life, so I can see how it works together. Okay, so you mentioned something about coming from the heart. What do you want to say about heart-based communication?
Aymee Coget: Well I didn’t note earlier that eudaimonic happiness is coming from the heart center, which is the state of being, which is not in our mind. Our mind has been influenced by society, our culture, our family, advertising, everything, so it’s really difficult to come into our authentic happiness through our mind, if not impossible. So, heart-based communication I find is really essential in relationships because it really cuts through all the bs, that our mind tells us what is really going on. Our mind, our ego, I’ll call it the ego, is focused on creating problems generally, or making, you know, whatever it is, the biggest mountain that you’ll ever climb or always seeing what’s wrong with someone, which of all of the above do not lead to a happy relationship. So I ask for people to drop their awareness into their heart center and focus on allowing their language to come from their heart. So to have your awareness to check in with your heart, and then speak from the heart instead of speak from the mind. And of course what I’m saying is a little ethoteric at this point because no one probably has heard of heart-based communication. However, there is new research going on that’s really fascinating about the heart and brain connection. So what I’m saying now is really cutting edge as far as the human experience is concerned.
Alissa Kriteman: So, what comes first, chicken or the egg, heart or mind?
Aymee Coget: I would say we’re born with a heart and soul and our mind is generated from the external sources.
Alissa Kriteman: I’m actually reading that right now. Alright, so lets get back to the heart-based communication. I really resonate with what you’re saying about the mind. I think the mind is totally malleable and, you know, from all of the other experts on the show and hear what’s going on in our society today, we’re starting to learn that the ego does infiltrate the mind and why meditation is so important in getting our mind sort of disciplined and more focused, and what you’re saying is have the mind chill out a little bit, tap into the heart and communicate from there.
Aymee Coget: Absolutely. I think it’s best demonstrated with an exercise. Would you like to participate?
Alissa Kriteman: Why, of course.
Aymee Coget: Speaking of from the heart, Alissa, have you done this before.
Alissa Kriteman: I actually have. But I’m always willing to practice because as an empowered woman myself, who’s constantly in practice and constantly learning how to be the most empowered woman I can be. I’ve done a little bit of this work with David Data, and ladies if you haven’t heard about David Data and his work, there’s stages of relationship, and in the third stage that is how we have really incredible relationships with our partners. It’s actually utilizing heart-based communication, so I’m really excited to hear what you have to say about it.
Aymee Coget: Great. Well, I’m going to ask you two questions. The first question is what did you do today?
Alissa Kriteman: What did I do today? Everything? Like, what do you want to know?
Aymee Coget: What is the first thing that comes to your mind?
Alissa Kriteman: I had sex with my partner.
Aymee Coget: How apropos.
Alissa Kriteman: Hey, I’ll be honest, okay. Hi mom.
Aymee Coget: Okay, is there anything else?
Alissa Kriteman: It was great. I had a great day. We went and looked at wedding sites and, it was just a day filled with love and connection and, ugh, just yummy, yummy connection and love.
Aymee Coget: Great, okay. So now I’m going to ask you to close your eyes and take a deep breath, and listeners you can go ahead and do this along with us. So, okay, so close your eyes, take a deep breath. (Breathing). Drop your awareness into your heart center. Focus on creating an all loving, all nurturing, all accepting space in your heart center. Go ahead and put your hand on your heart. Tell me when you feel like that environment has been achieved.
Alissa Kriteman: Okay.
Aymee Coget: Now allow your heartbeat to come through your chest to the palm of your hand and tell me when you can feel your heartbeat.
Alissa Kriteman: Okay.
Aymee Coget: Now I’m going to ask you a question. I want you to drop your awareness into your heart and check in with your heart before you answer, and so allow your words to come right from your heart. The question is what did you do today?
Alissa Kriteman: Expanded love in the world.
Aymee Coget: Wow! Do you see the difference? The mind communication is very action oriented. It is about what I was able to mark off my to do list. I’m not sure if that was, having sex with your boyfriend was on the…
Alissa Kriteman: It always is.
Aymee Coget: on the to do list. However, it was an action. And so, when we are talking about action, it doesn’t really connect us as much as when we are able to talk about emotion and what’s really important in life and in relationship. And so, by only just dropping your awareness into your heart center and allowing your heartbeat to come through your chest to the palm of your hand and creating that environment, we can really get in touch with our truth. What was that experience like for you?
Alissa Kriteman: It was really great. I really love that because it’s true. My first, the first words out of my mouth were very much about action, what I did, you know, in that very much action oriented list. And then thinking deeper into my heart, it was more like how did this impact the world?
Aymee Coget: Wow! And that is so much more meaningful, and if you can translate that into your relationship do you see the benefit of being able to communicate to each other with a heart-based communication more so than with the mind?
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, absolutely. And, again, it’s this kind of third level relating that I’ve been reading about and practicing where we as women, it’s really up to us. I mean, if we want to take on that responsibility of communicating from the heart in our relationships, it’s really what creates intimacy. And so, I love that I actually have a new exercise now, I could even see where this would be great for journaling, to put your hand on your heart, and if we’re not comfortable enough to communicate with our partner, at least we could journal it or maybe practice with a girlfriend, you know?
Aymee Coget: Absolutely. Just to go over the steps really carefully; first you drop your awareness into your heart center. Go ahead and put your hand on your heart. And with your awareness focus on creating an all loving, all nurturing, all accepting open environment in your heart center. And when that has been achieved, go ahead and invite your heartbeat to come through your chest to the palm of your hand. And when you can feel and touch with your heartbeat, that’s when you go ahead and ask yourself the question of whatever is in the moment for you that you want to get an answer for, and simply wait for a response.
Alissa Kriteman: So you, we had ourselves ask, “What did I do today?” Can we ask any question?
Aymee Coget: Absolutely. Do you have a question in mind that you would love what your heart has to say?
Alissa Kriteman: Not in particular, but I was just wondering, you know, to give it a little bit of depth, I really like how we took something from just this sort of action oriented response to a real sense of deep fulfillment, and I could see where daily we run around thinking we’ve checked off things from our checklist, but really we’ve made a huge impact in the world and being in connection with that makes a huge difference.
Aymee Coget: Absolutely. Our heart is ready to communicate with us at any moment for any reason. All we have to do is ask.
Alissa Kriteman: Okay, great. So, in sustaining relationship, sustaining happiness in our relationships, we’ve got heart-based communication. What else can we do to sustain happiness in our relationships and in our lives?
Aymee Coget: Well positive psychology has come to three particular ways to do that. I call them ‘the triple A’ for positive relationships. And these three things are impossible to give a negative relationship. These three things, you absolutely will get a positive result from. It’s foolproof, science has proven it, and here they are…
Alissa Kriteman: Alright ladies, get your pens and your pad of paper, your journals ready. We’re going to hear the triple A’s of foolproofing positivity in our relationships. Aymee Coget…
Aymee Coget: Okay, well I’m just the messenger. There are many, many others involved in creating the science behind these three, but…The three, the triple A is admiration, appreciation and affection. So, for any particular reason, if you want to take on, okay, right now I’m going to focus on making my relationship positive, I’m going to use this triple A formula and go for the gold. So, all you have to do is say, Alissa, I really, really admire what you have done with your podcast show. I think it’s so wonderful, and she just got a major smile on her face, folks.
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, yeah, yeah. More, more.
Aymee Coget: Alissa, I really appreciate your hard work and dedication to empowering women, and let me just give you a little elbow rub…for the affection.
Alissa Kriteman: Okay, so you’re appreciating me. I got the affection. Admiration?
Aymee Coget: I admire you for what you’ve done with this podcasting show.
Alissa Kriteman: Got it. I missed that. See, I need to hear it twice.
Aymee Coget: Right, we can never get enough. Can you imagine reacting negative to someone who was saying those things to you?
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, it’s really hard, and it’s so opening. I mean, just listening to that, it feels as though I’m seen, you know, you’re seeing me for the gifts that I’m offering to the world. And so you’re saying that by offering admiration, appreciation and affection, this is a foolproof way when these elements are offered in a relationship, it’s, they’re the building blocks of intimacy, would you say?
Aymee Coget: Absolutely. Well it’s really softening to someone. I mean, all we hear about everyday all day long is, “You didn’t do that and you didn’t do this good enough”, and “How about that?”, and “I’ve been telling you to do the dishes for two weeks”, “I’m always the one who makes the bed”, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, we’re just really, really, really wanting someone to say something positive to us, and having our partners take the time and spending time appreciating and admiring us and showing us affection is insurmountable.
Alissa Kriteman: You know, I just realized that would actually be a fun exercise to do one night, on date night, you know, the time each week where you sit with your partner and you create something fun that to go back and forth and share what you admire about this person, what you appreciate about this person, what you find affectionate. I mean, how fun is that? What great foreplay.
Aymee Coget: Absolutely. And I’d like to say that it’s really good to use these as like preventative measures, not necessarily in reaction to a fight. So you really pull out this triple A when things are going good because that’ll make the relationship even stronger, instead of trying to fill a whole if something were to happen.
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah. Also I could see, sometimes I like to put little notes in the bathroom cupboard or in my closet and remind me. So, we could put a little note inside the closet with these triple A, and just to remind ourselves, “Oh yeah.” Just out of the goodness of really taking the effort and the time and the energy to create a new habit and put that into the relationship, so maybe the times when we’re not so gracious and nice and kind, we’ve sort of built up that repository of good connection and vibration and honor and admiration, appreciation with our partner. We’re going to take a break. I’m your host, Alissa Kriteman. You’re listening to Just For Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex. We’re speaking with Aymee Coget, sustainable happiness expert, and we’ll be right back.
Alissa Kriteman: Welcome back. I’m your host, Alissa Kriteman. You’re listening to Just For Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex. Today we’re speaking with sustainable happiness expert Aymee Coget. Before the break we were talking about the triple A’s for sustaining positivity in our relationships; admiration, appreciation and affection. Now we’re going to talk to Aymee about one other key element in keeping our relationships full of love and positivity and laughter, and then we’re going to answer some questions from the Just For Women audience. So Aymee, what is your last offering about how to keep our relationships juicy and happy?
Aymee Coget: Well I have to say, this is, this key is from my personal experience in a relationship. I realized there is one key element in all relationships. It is love. So, of course relationships are extremely multifaceted and multi dimensional and there are many aspects to a relationship. However, if you deduce to all, to one major aspect, it’s the love. And so, I’ve been doing an experiment in my own relationship where I only focus on my love for this person, and I don’t focus on the things that he doesn’t do or that I wish he did do or the things that he is going to do in the future or the things that he didn’t say or the things that he did say, it’s just about the love. And I like to ask people one major question; do you want someone to love you unconditionally?
Alissa Kriteman: Of course.
Aymee Coget: Do you love yourself a hundred percent unconditionally?
Alissa Kriteman: I go in and out of that. Right.
Aymee Coget: So, okay, so the fundamental role of love is unconditional acceptance…
Alissa Kriteman: Of yourself first…
Aymee Coget: Right, because we have to truly come into a hundred percent self love before we can really truly experience loving someone else the same way.
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, but isn’t that kind of like, you know, I think about being in relationship and so much, not so much, but definitely I’ve deepened my own self love in the experience of another loving me deeply. And so, I definitely came into my relationship with very high confidence, esteem, self love, and it deepened, it deepened, and yeah there’s days and moments when I don’t feel totally on top of my game, and then there’s this person loving me through it, so what do you say about that? I mean, is it realistic to think we’re going to be in this perfect alignment love with ourselves?
Aymee Coget: I think that’s something that we absolutely must hands down achieve ourselves. I don’t think it’s fair to be in a relationship asking someone else to love you if you can’t fully express the love back to the person. I don’t think that’s a healthy relationship. I do believe that you have come to an extremely high level of self love before you attracted your current partner, and it might not have been a ten out of ten, but it was definitely in the high numbers. And so, when it was in the high numbers and his was in his high numbers, then you are able to really like double the factor instead of trying to fill each other’s buckets up so to speak.
Alissa Kriteman: And I do think that the work continually is staying an individual and staying empowered and staying loving ourselves and learning where because we’re in relationships, seeing the wounding or the places where we don’t love ourselves and take that responsibility to put that in for ourselves.
Aymee Coget: Absolutely.
Alissa Kriteman: Okay, so what more about this love, just focus on love.
Aymee Coget: I know it’s not the 1960’s or the 1970’s, and I swear I’m not a hippy, but it is true that if we only focus on the love and really watch yourself, you know, going towards, “Oh, this wasn’t right” or “That’s not right” or “I wish he did this” or “I can’t believe he said blah, blah, blah”, just go back to, “I really truly love this person. I really totally accept this person, and no matter what I’m going to love and accept this person”, and only good things can come.
Alissa Kriteman: So what do you say in support of women who are having a brief moment of not loving themselves?
Aymee Coget: I would recommend taking the VIA Strength Survey and finding out what’s good about yourself and focusing on creating a positive self image because if you don’t focus on creating this for yourself no one else is going to, so it’s really essential that we take the time and we empower ourselves to create that positive self image and utilizing those strengths is really, really beneficial.
Alissa Kriteman: Okay, great. Tell us again where we can find that.
Aymee Coget: www.authentichappiness.com, and again, it’s called the VIA Strength Surevey.
Alissa Kriteman: Okay, great. Alright ladies, if you have a brief moment of not loving yourself, go get your strengths and remind yourself that you are all that. No, but really, I mean, it’s kind of funny. It’s, it really is one of the keys to being an empowered woman, not looking outside of ourselves, like you said, for that recognition, that unconditional love, that really the practice and the habit is learning to love ourselves in that way, and if we don’t know how, to get support.
Aymee Coget: Absolutely, a hundred percent. We have to come to a hundred percent self love if we want a healthy relationship.
Alissa Kriteman: Alright, great. Thanks for that. Lets turn over here and look at some of the questions from our Just For Women audience members who have written in. The first question is from Stephanie who wants to know about maintaining sexual happiness in your marriage, and she writes, “Sometimes I don’t feel like being sexual with my partner. I wonder if you can address that issue, a.k.a, dealing with the moodswings of sexual desire.”
Aymee Coget: Well first I want to recognize that this is totally normal according to female brain chemistry, and there are different types of experiences in relationships we have to sex during our lifetime, and for more information about that you can read The Female Brain, I highly recommend it. And I think truth and honesty is the best way to go with your partner, as far as if now is not a good time. I mean, the worst thing, the last thing you want to do is fake it and that’s going to make your partner feel even worse, but I would also underline that with the notion that making love with your partner is extremely important for connection and intimacy and love relationships. So maybe at that moment in time it’s not a good time, but really finding out what would work. Perhaps, you know, the person who wrote in needs more of dim lit candles, more of like a romantic experience instead of the ‘wham bam thank you ma’am’ that her partner is providing, and so I’d really encourage that person to open up communication with their partner and find out what really is going on and what you can do to make it better.
Alissa Kriteman: Right, because moodswings, like you said, there could be a couple of reasons why, it could be chemical, you know, hormonal. I mean, we definitely go through these cycles, but you’re also saying check in. Is it something different going on? Is there a communication that needs to be communicated? Do the triple A’s need to be instilled?
Aymee Coget: Absolutely. The triple A’s, the heart based communication and the love all are tools that this woman could use.
Alissa Kriteman: Okay, great. It’s interesting because she goes on to say, “How do I keep the elements of mystery and surprise alive as a married couple or in a long-term committed relationship?” So it’s sounds like there’s definitely some things going on in the relationship where she’s probably wanting a little bit more mystery and surprise, but great for her that she’s being proactive in seeing how she can provide that. So what would you say about keeping mystery and love alive?
Aymee Coget: Mystery and surprises, don’t we all love those? Now the trick is to really empower yourself to make these, this happen in your relationship because, you know, we can probably talk and ask until we drop dead for our partners, but they might not perform to the exact mystery and surprise that we have in mind, so we really have to empower ourselves to make moves toward that happening, whether it’s slipping some laungerie underneath your husband’s pillow or, you know, a romantic bubble bath with champaine when he walks home, or when he walks in the door from work. I mean, really that element of surprise and mystery, it’s a two way street, and I think that once the person who wrote in really takes charge of creating that for herself in the relationship, the husband will probably get a few clues that he needs to start doing something that’s similar.
Alissa Kriteman: Okay. And so, would your recommend that over sitting down and having a conversation and making some requests to the man, or do you think demonstration is more influential?
Aymee Coget: You know that term ‘actions speak louder than words’? So perhaps during that action, that’s when you can have the conversation. Or after that action, then you can have that conversation, but I think they go hand in hand.
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, it’s almost like a generosity that you give to your partner and to yourself by creating the thing that you want, and we’ve heard that mentioned before, and you just said create the change you want to see in your relationship first if you want to do that in the world, so yeah, I can see how that would be really helpful.
Aymee Coget: Yes, absolutely. The bottom line is that women cannot sit there and complain about their relationships if they’re not doing anything about it. And so, relationsihps are always, you know, a hundred percent, a hundred percent, and so we are not victims having our relationship happen to us. We are active participants and create a relationship out of whatever we want to.
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, it echoes what Sil Lai, Sil Lai Abrams was saying in our interview last week about, you know, and she’s a self empowerment expert, and it’s really great that you’re here echoing the same thing because I feel like why I have this show is to be the force that we didn’t have growing up to understand what it is to be an empowered woman in the world, and so now we’re hearing echoing again, and I think it’s really important to support each other as sisters, and hearing a consistent story, we have to tell our truth, we have to accept that the truth exists and it is what it is and we feel how we’re feeling in our heart and communicate that, but also take action. And so, with your triple A’s, it’s like I feel so grateful that we have all these ideas and ways and support to have this, these actions in our lives and this, these creative approaches to having happiness be sustainable.
Aymee Coget: Absolutely. Imagine your relationship filled with admiration, appreciation, affection, love and heart based communication, it doesn’t get better than that.
Alissa Kriteman: Alright, great. Lets move on to the next question. This is from Maryanne. She writes, “What are some things we can do in order to make men happy without making ourselves unhappy?” Interesting.
Aymee Coget: What are the ways that we can make men happy without making ourselves unhappy. Well first of all, know that unhappiness doesn’t come from any person, place or thing. You are empowered for your own happiness Maryanne, and you are in charge of your own happiness, and no one is really going to give you the type of happiness that you can give yourself, so it’s unfair to put someone else in the position to make you happy or unhappy. Secondly, I think it’s important that you use the triple A for and making your relationship positive because just admiring someone, appreciating someone and showing affection to someone absolutely is not going to make you feel unhappy. It’s going to make you feel happier by sharing and spreading those wonderful positive concepts.
Alissa Kriteman: You know, I just realized, there really is no, there’s no need, and actually, I mean, really there’s no excuse. We really have no excuses in this day and age to be unhappy.
Aymee Coget: I believe that a hundred percent. I like to tell people that happiness is an obligation.
Alissa Kriteman: You know, because really if you think about it, we have shows like this. There is many, many podcasts, videos, I mean, the way that the internet has exploded with audio and video programming, you could Google happiness any second of the day and you would come up with ten sites where happiness is being expressed and exhibited in the world. And so, there’s really no excuse.
Aymee Coget: Right. Well the problem is that society has taught us to focus and rely on external stimuli for our happiness, whereas now with the onsaught of positive psychology, we have proven techniques that people can do, that can people can build into their lives, for instance, gratitude and random act of kindness, to do, to build in their own inner happiness, to build that happiness for yourself. It’s no longer recommended that to get all of those things in place and then you will be happy. In fact, it was just proven in 2006 that even if you did get all those things that you thought would make you happy, the diamond right, the nice car, the good job, the whatever it is, that you will in fact be unhappy within three months.
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, you know, Sil Lai Abrams talks about that too, that there’s actually a mindset of unhappiness, and again, it’s echoing, yeah, a material based reality is not something that fosters happiness over time, and I think it feeds into a lot of what Barbara Stanney talks about as well, this price charming syndrom. I mean, all of these things, we’re starting to pop these bubbles of mis-thought it seems like.
Aymee Coget: Absolutely. Our Declaration of Independence says pursue happiness, where really we’re pursuing, we need to pursue the happiness on the inside. It doesn’t come in any person, place, thing or circumstance unfortunately, and again, it was just proven in 2006 that even if you do get all of those things in alignment that you think will make you happy at that point, will make you unhappy within three months, three months maximum. And this is because we are species that adapt, and so what’s going to happen is that we adapt to whatever circumstances we had as our goals three months prior, and then once we’ve achieved those things we want change.
Alissa Kriteman: Do you really think you’d get sick of looking at a five carat diamond ring?
Aymee Coget: Well, I don’t know if I had talked about diamond rings.
Alissa Kriteman: Why not?
Aymee Coget: Well I don’t have one yet, so I guess we can…
Alissa Kriteman: No, no, no, you said, I understand what you said, but it’s funny, it’s like, but if I had my five carat pink diamond ring on my hand, I don’t know, maybe like three years.
Aymee Coget: Right, well nevertheless, I would wager a bet that it wouldn’t last long.
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, well I, you know, it’s, yeah, clearly, and it wouldn’t be what I would be looking for in my relationship if I had this five carat whatever on my hand but I couldn’t connect with my partner and we couldn’t speak heart to heart and have amazing intimacy that we have, it’s just not worth it.
Aymee Coget: Exactly. No diamond ring is worth a happy relationship.
Alissa Kriteman: Aymee Coget, sustainable happiness expert. Thank you so much for being with us again on Just For Women, and tell us how we can find you, what you’re up to.
Aymee Coget: Well, my website is www.makemehappytv.com. If you imagine yourself on the couch in front of the TV saying, “Make me happy TV”, you can go ahead and add a dot com. So if you are ready to make the happiness decision, which you can find at www.happinessclub.com, there’s actually a document called The Happiness Decision, where it says that you will take charge of your own happiness and being happy maybe using some proven scientific techniques like gratitude and random acts of kindness, we would achieve our goal. So July 10th is the first International Happiness Day, 194 countries are participating in this. This is really, really monumental. And if you want to find out more about International Happiness Day go ahead and log onto www.internationalhappinessday.com.
Alissa Kriteman: Wow! So it’s really becoming a worldwide event being happy, it’s not just us over here in America?
Aymee Coget: No way. Happiness is everyone’s human experience and our birthright and our goal when we’re born.
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, well I think about, you know, Buddhism and, you know, kindness and having that be at the heart of it, it’s almost as though maybe we’re just catching up.
Aymee Coget: Yeah, it’s true. I mean, we, well because we’ve been so externally focused for our happiness, we’ve been misguided and now we know the truth that this happiness really is on the inside of us and that no person, place or thing or circumstance can make us happy like we can, and now we have scientifically proven techniques to incorporate, and so there’s no reason why people can’t empower themselves to take charge of their happiness and go for the gold on July 10th.
Alissa Kriteman: Alright ladies, you’ve been invited, July 10th, International Happiness Day. It’s always so much fun talking to Aymee Coget. She’s such a big happy being over here.
Aymee Coget: Thank you so much Alissa. It was really a great pleasure.
Alissa Kriteman: Yes. Thank you, thank you. Okay listeners, again, don’t forget, you can email me and, like, here we are talking to Aymee Coget. I love answering your questions here on Just For Women, so, again, Alissa, a-l-i-s-s-a, @personallifemedia.com ([email protected]). Shoot me an email, let me know what you want to know about, topics, ideas, comments. Get them in, get them in. And don’t forget, you can get a copy of my book, Alissa’s Four Cornerstones To Living Your Dreams on amazon.com, also chock full of great exercises to help you sustain happiness in your life. And so, thanks again for listening in. I’m your host, Alissa Kriteman always expanding your awareness and choices here on Just For Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex. Tune in next week for more juicy news you can use.