Episode 54 - FEEL IT – BLASTING THROUGH TO INTIMACY with Phil Love
FEEL IT - BLASTING THROUGH TO INTIMACY with Phil Love, Doctor of Spirituality, creating a family of love worldwide, father of 3.
In this episode, Phil Love evocatively guides us into the transmuting power of emotions. Discover a question that opens the heart to oneness. Release resistance and reactivity. Dive into the experience of emotional presence that opens the heart to unconditional love and compassion.
This program is intended for mature audiences only.
Francesca Gentille: Welcome to “Sex: Tantra and Kama Sutra,” bringing you the soul of sex. I am your host, Francesca Gentille, and with me today is Phil Love, who is a doctor of spirituality and who continually … he’ll create a family of love worldwide. He’s also a father of three.
[blast sound effect]
Phil Love: If we go, typically, just to sensation in our body, and feel it … Like, take your attention there. Close your eyes and feel where it is in the body and then feel the anger or the rage or the fury, just completely, 100%. Just feel it. It will just come up like a cloud. You’ll feel it. It will encompass us. Stay with it, stay with it, stay with it and it will pop just like a balloon.
[blast sound effect]
Phil Love: Well, I think that it’s definitely going to start with appreciating everything in our outer world, our partners, to start with, and being able to accept them just how they are, exactly how they are, and all their little behaviors and mannerisms and quirks and things they say that may not resonate with us so well; to be able to totally appreciate that and accept that’s who they are and how they are without the desire to change them, and that’s the start.
Francesca Gentille: Welcome, Phil.
Phil Love: Thank you very much. It’s a blessing to be here.
Francesca Gentille: Delighted to have you here, and slight—a little bit before the show, you and I talked about your—what was the intention? What was the direction that we were going to start sailing in during this show? And you spoke of the oneness of everything, and I said, “You know, this the show on sex, Tantra and Kama Sutra! Bringing you the soul of sex!” How does the oneness of everything relate to that? And so that would be my question. How does the oneness of everything relate to having better sex lives, better relationships with ourselves and our partners?
Phil Love: Well, I think that it’s definitely going to start with appreciating everything in our outer world, our partners, to start with, and being able to accept them just how they are, exactly how they are, and all their little behaviors and mannerisms and quirks and things they say that may not resonate with us so well; to be able to totally appreciate that and accept that’s who they are and how they are without the desire to change them, and that’s the start of actually loving unconditionally, and really reaches a much deeper starting point, and so, if we aren’t there at that place, at least it shines a light on, you know, exactly where we are to the level of intimacy and love that we’re actually giving our partner before sex even comes into the picture. I mean, are we able to connect with this person without judging them in how they act and behave? That’s a … It’s a really [xx] starter point.
Francesca Gentille: Now I’m going to … I’m going to … I’m just going to jump in. You know, I have to jump in because I … I’m a … a “both and” girl, and I’m going to play a little bit of the "both and" here. So, on the one side, as a spiritual human being, I certainly strive toward a sense of unconditional love and acceptance, and yet, as a human being, I often find that, you know, people step on my boundaries or I feel very irritated or I think they’re not listening, or something is happening that feels very painful to me. It … Given that that happens, and it’s not all just in our heads—sometimes we have partners that hit us, sometimes we have partners that emotionally, you know, yell at us or hit us; sometimes we have beings in our lives who really aren’t listening to, “No, no, that’s a limit. That really is the limit. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch—” how do we unconditionally love and accept that?
Phil Love: Well, we start off by opening up to the possibility that we, in fact, have done the very same thing before to our other partners, or even that partner, perhaps, or some other partners through some other time and space, if you believe in that realm. But in … it all starts with acceptance. Accepting that, OK, this person just struck me. Have I ever done that in my life to anyone else? It’s in … you know, it’s … We get what we give. We receive what we give, and it goes down to everything. It doesn’t stop at some point that feels uncomfortable.
Francesca Gentille: What if I never hit somebody? What if I never hit somebody?
Phil Love: Well, you have, though. You have, though, and you have forgotten. You’ve either done it in this lifetime or you did it some other time, but actually, you’ve done it in this lifetime and you just forgot you did it, and it’s coming back around. It’s just accepting it fully and if you keep bringing … If you don’t, and you keep denying it and pushing it away, like, “Oh, I’ve never done that,” or, “I’ve never acted that way. I’ve never said anything like that,” why in the world would you be drawing it to you? There’s something about each person that draws to them exactly what’s in front of their face. It’s not to do with anybody else!
Francesca Gentille: One of the things that I like to, you know, really dance with is the “both and,” because if we’re too much in one way or too much in another, we get a little fundamentalist, which can mean there’s only one true right and only one true way to do anything. So what I like to bring in is that I personally will say, if people are being angry with me or yelling at me, is there something even little in me, even words that I never expressed in my own mind that are of anger, and is there some way that I can find the angry being, bring compassion to it in me, and …
Phil Love: Yes.
Francesca Gentille: … and resultantly, have a sense of compassion for this other being?
Phil Love: Yes.
Francesca Gentille: I think [?] to myself that often, when I deepen into this sense of compassion for the killer in me, the hitter in me, the perpetrator in me, that I end up with a deeper compassion for the other person, and to a certain degree, either the lock and key system of the trauma or abuse or anger or whatever’s not working releases automatically under compassion, or it becomes very clear to me what is the limit or boundary that needs to be set, and I can still do that with compassion. So there’s something about the journey of being with other people that reminds me of… of a pathway into deeper and deeper compassion, and the “both and” about it is, so I’m saying, “Yes,” and the other side of it is that as someone who—I actually have experienced trauma in my life—I would never want any of our people out there listening who have, in fact, received physical, sexual or emotional abuse growing up to feel like, oh, they deserved it, or they caused it, because I sometimes draw the line, Phil, of before or after, you know, 18, or before or after youth and adulthood, is that what happened to us as a child, now, on some cosmic level, maybe we could say we set it up in another life, and if that’s empowering, then use that framework. If it’s not empowering to say, you know, “There’s a cause and effect that lasts over a lifetime that might have something important for me to look at in this lifetime,” then don’t use it. You know, the goal is ultimately— I think, when we talk about, you know, oneness of everything or love worldwide—is, “What are the practices, mental, spiritual and physical, that deepen our sense of love and compassion?” What’s work—
Phil Love: Yeah, and some of the … like, take for example, if someone were physically, sexually abused at some point in life, and somehow they have brushed over it. They don’t want to look at it; they don’t want to deal with it; they don’t want to feel it and set the emotion free, so they’ve denied it, and then what they draw to them continually are more and more people wanting to go over their boundaries and pass their boundaries and create more of this drama in their life, more abuse, and they wonder, “Why is this happening?” It hasn’t been magnetically set free in their emotional body. It hasn’t been set free out of their energy, and they’re still drawing it to them just like a magnet, and wondering why. And then, to go along with, like, what you were saying earlier, as far as the compassionate part, it … you know, the … you … You nailed it exactly right, as far as I can see, as far as the feeling goes. Like, I know that if I … I can sit here and I have the experience of, you know, “I have never treated someone that way. I’ve never said that kind of thing,” and just be all bent out of shape about something that someone spoke to me. And then I’ll go into a meditation: you know, “Have I ever done that before? Have I ever said that … Have I ever treated anyone that way before?” and then in the silence, all of the sudden, a little fleeting memory will come by, and a picture will come by or a remembrance of, “In fact, I did … I was that way.” Then, compassion starts to rise up from that space: “OK, I understand. I get it. I see where you’re coming from now.” It makes more of a link with the person I was just upset with, so now I have real understanding, and I c—and also, what comes up from that is this place of oneness starts to surface: “OK, we are the same. We’re very similar there. I’ve done that too. I understand.” And that really helps the anger go, or the upset go, compassion and understanding comes in, and then from that place, we … If we practice that one thing, every time someone comes in our face or a life situation shows up where we get upset and bent out of shape, get quiet, connect with our source, whatever your source is: God, Jesus, Mohammed, Allah, whoever, and just ask, you know, “Let me be connected to my higher self. Let me see, where have I ever been that way to someone?” and you might be surprised at what comes across your memory.
Francesca Gentille: I love where we’re going with this and I want to talk more about how we deepen compassion, because that’s such an important field of relationships, whether it’s with our boss or our beloved. You know [laughs], there’s always going to be those moments where we’re off compassion, where we’re dispassionate, where we’re disconnected. I want to talk about this more after we come back from a break and a word from our fabulous sponsors, who I encourage everyone to support, because they help us continue to produce shows like this, and each of them is very hand-picked for you, and we’ll be back in just a few moments.
Francesca Gentille: Welcome back to “Sex: Tantra and Kama Sutra,” bringing you the soul of sex, with … We’re with Phil Love, doctor of spirituality, co-creating a family of love worldwide, and we’re talking about compassion and how we do this thing that … We all know. I’m guessing every single person listening knows that compassion is so important, and yet, it might be simple but it’s not easy. So you mentioned that practice of, you know, just sitting and meditating and tuning in and saying, you know, “This person that I feel so upset with … Is there any time that I’ve done anything similar, even a little bit, that helps me start to feel in my heart, ‘Oh, I understand. I understand how this could be,’” and I sometimes think of it as just a seed. Like, if somebody spent an hour yelling at me, maybe I’ve never spent an hour yelling at someone, but have I spent a moment yelling at someone? Can I find this place in me where there’s some resonance with this other person and bring my own love to it? What’s another practice that you’ve found very effective, Phil, for that bridge of compassion?
Phil Love: Well, one thing, just to further and deeper that one, actually, and it is almost a Part Two of the same practice, is it’s very important, not only do we do it once, but make a commitment, say, over the next week: any of those life … any of the situations that come up, I will do this for a certain period of time that feels good for you, and doable for you, and take note and just pay attention, because the second most important thing is building validation for ourselves that, in fact, this process works. You know, it’s our own self-validation. It builds faith and trust, too, in showing us, “Wow, this has happened, like, about 10 out of 10 times that I did this practice, it worked. There’s something to this oneness idea, this oneness possibility.”
Francesca Gentille: And can you give us an example from your own life, Phil, of you know, some … when something happened and you turned it around with that sense of finding that other person in you?
Phil Love: I think I use that validation part along a lot of different topics, but yeah, in relationships, yes, I’ve had partners that come up and have been, you know, loud or … I like peace and I like quiet and the space that I live in and the other people here in the house live in, we breed that and we grow it, so it makes a nice safe haven, and there’s been a time in the past where perhaps someone came in here and that lived in the house with us and they weren’t on that same page. They were loud and sometimes very aggressive or angry and upset, and you know, in looking at that and go … I could deny it and push it away and push it away and say, ‘We don’t want this, we don’t want this, we don’t want this,’” but it’s going to slide in one way or another until facing it head-on, full-on, face to face and going into that meditation or that prayer, if you will, and then being mindful enough. Setting an intention, paying attention to the answers that come, and being mindful. And I see, “Oh, my gosh, really I was just in denial, because in fact, it made me angry and upset when someone came in my space and was angry and upset.” You know, so I was … I had to really face that: going, “This is really making me upset here.” But in going into my own feeling about it and diving headfirst, without any distraction, about how I felt about it, that was the freedom. That was the freedom play. That was where transmutation, transformation happens. It … and this is the other thing. This is the other crucial—I think it could be almost—it’s not a mistake but it’s a big bypass—is a lot of spiritual traditions will have, “Bring in the light; bring in the light; bring in the light, and anything that looks upset, dark, not harmonizing or whatever, let’s dismiss it; let’s run the other way; let’s look the other way," and basically it’s denial. It’s a spiritual bypass, and because we’re trying to transform the content rather than look face-to-face at the content … And through face-to-face, feeling the content of the situation, transformation happens automatically. There’s nothing to do. There’s nothing to do.
Francesca Gentille: Say more about that, because in my own life, it’s been …. I remember a partner that I felt was very dominating, especially in the bed. I felt like he took over in bed, and he wasn’t listening, and he didn’t kiss me, and he didn’t, you know, hug me, and I was so angry, and then I … I thought to myself, “Have I ever been dominating? Maybe not in bed, but have I ever been the kind of person who wants what she wants when she wants it and isn’t willing to take no for an answer and just kind of bulldozes my way into something?” and, you know, even though I have a smile on and even though I say it very sweetly, I can very much be like that, and then I found that and breathed it in and was able to say, “How can I open to my partner and what he has to give me?” and something very transform—actually, it was the first time I was able to have orgasms through intercourse, and it was through, you know, choosing to open instead of resisting what he was giving me. Is that what you mean when you say facing something? Or, what do you mean when you say facing something?
Phil Love: Yeah, so it’s almost two ways. So you did one … You did the first step, even, of, “OK, wow, I do this too,” so already, that lessened the energy between you two of any kind of upset or resistance, because you acknowledged him in you. He’s just reflecting a part in you that you were denying or not being able to see clearly. So, then, that opens … That pulls that veil off, and now there’s more clarity already. More love already flows between you two because that veil of resistance is gone. And then, you know, if you want to free it up even more, it’s about going totally into the feeling of whatever that experience feels like to you. Like, maybe it’s really helpful to feel, like, “This is what I feel like when I’m totally dominated, and I don’t like it,” or, you know, just dive 100% into how much you don’t like the feeling of someone dominating you, just fully and completely, I mean, until you actually feel the sensations in your body. Kind of scan your body from head to toe. “Oh, when I feel dominated, I feel it in my left, you know, of my belly, or I feel it in my upper back, or …” just wherever you feel it, and then totally go into it 100%, of this, “When I feel dominated, I feel trapped and I feel backed into a corner, and I want out,” and just go in to it until you feel like you need to scream, and if you need to scream, then you totally scream and allow it out. In this way, you’re actually tracking … You’re tracking the emotional pain or suffering somewhere in your body and you’re giving it an out. You’re creating an open door for it to express and be gone forever. This is, like, a one-time thing, you know? It’s just … Whenever anything comes up, you face it 100% and then that opens the door for it to leave forever. And in that space, unconditional love is already there. You don’t have to work for it. We have all the love we’re ever going to have. Now, that may not feel good to a lot of people right now, but you’re not going to get any more love than you already have.
Francesca Gentille: [laughs] You know, I want to talk more about this, because this takes a lot of courage, and I want to talk a little bit more about this—
Francesca Gentille: —wow—when we come back from a break and a word from our sponsors.
Francesca Gentille: Welcome back to “Sex: Tantra and Kama Sutra,” bringing you the soul of sex. I’m your host, Francesca Gentille, and we’re with Phil Love, doctor of spirituality, co-creating a family of love worldwide, and we were talking about feeling and facing, 100%, the … it could be the anger, the fear, the trauma, you know, whatever is there. The “I just want to rip your face off.” [laughs] Whatever is there—
Phil Love: Yeah. Right.
Francesca Gentille:—going into that 100%. Doing it in the body … Feeling any memories that come up … You know, I there’s a part of me that’s terrified of that. I’m not sure I’ve ever done that one. So, can you give me an example of something in your life when you gathered that courage and you just did it and everything shifted?
Phil Love: Well, I can tell you, there’s been … I do it in every kind of realm, from money to love to relationships. Pretty much whenever anything comes up, just to look at it head-on, and the beautiful part about this is we don’t even have to name a certain emotion or feeling or experience, because we all have had so many different kinds, but we’ve all had the same ones. Isn’t that funny, too? But if we go, typically, just to sensation in our body, and feel it … Like, take your attention there. Close your eyes and feel where it is in the body and then feel the anger or the rage or the fury, just completely 100%. Just feel it. It will just come up like a cloud. You’ll feel it, it will encompass us. Stay with it, stay with it, stay with it and it will pop just like a balloon. Like, what I want to just really relate here is in helping yourself create this process … Yes, I’ll give you an example. I have three children, and one of the children, they … He got himself into a bit of a bind and it was beyond my control. I couldn’t do anything about it. It wasn’t my … My hands were tied … And I was … happened to be in a position where I needed to focus, that day, on this project. I was right in it. It was the last hour of the project, and I had to give all my attention to that project. I realized, at the same moment that I needed to give all this attention to the project … I got the phone call. He had an issue come up and my hands were tied. I couldn’t do anything. Yet, I felt, in my body, an intense emotion came up. It needed to be expressed. It needed to be felt. Yet, I had to focus at this hour on this project. So, I made an intention with my source. I know how important it is for me to release this emotional energy and not stuff it again, because if I stuff it, I’ll be creating more of the same and drawing more of this pain and suffering to me. So, I made an intention: “I want to feel this at the next available opportunity 100% and get it out of my system, but right now, for the next hour I need to complete this project.” So I completed the project, did great … Great completion, and then I found myself driving down the road for lunch, literally, like, 15 minutes later after the project was done, and Spirit just had me pull into this church and all of a sudden, I remembered. I got the word from my source that, “Hey, remember? Knock, knock. You said you wanted to feel all this feeling,” and all of a sudden, the feeling just started coming back over my body, fully. I felt the pain, the sadness and the suffering that was locked inside of me regarding this issue with my child, and I pulled into that church. I created a safe space where I wasn’t going to be interrupted, and I went 100% into that experience. I mean, when I was done, I had tears rolling down my eyes, stuff coming out of every orifice … I mean, I was just a puddle of mess, and I was in it for maybe 15 or 20 minutes, but you know, when I was done with that, went into it and faced it, I was completely freed when I walked out of there 20 minutes later. It took no special practice. There was no special tool or technique. It was being a human being, which we all are, and I was not denying my humanness that has emotions. I expressed them, I faced them, I let them flow through my body and out of my body, and I was totally free. I felt so high and elated. I felt the unconditional love flow into that place. I saw the compassionate connection I had with my child, so no longer was I even upset with him, and I had no more sadness or pain about it. I was totally freed from attachment to this creation [?].
Francesca Gentille: I just want to say that I love this, that you’re saying that it’s not … It doesn’t need to be a practice. Certainly, we can go to classes and workshops and learn some suggested practices, but really, so many cultures, and especially indigenous cultures that haven’t become “civilized,” you know, they have wailing. When someone dies, they wail and they tear their hair out and, you know, if something happens, they cry or they laugh. You know, they’re very … You think of maybe Zorba [sp] the Greek, you know? Someone who’s very free-flowing. And it’s not about acting out our emotions on others. I love that you found a church, and for me, I’ve done that at times … Now, you reminded me that I’ve done it, sometimes, in dance, where I go to a very free-form kind of dance place where it’s a dance studio but anybody can dance. The lights are kind of low and it’s … Every person is really dancing in their own divine experience. And I have done that, where I have just gone deeper and deeper and deeper and I’ve cried and I’ve felt pain in my body but I’ve just stayed with it, stayed with it, and then had that amazing sense of peace and release afterwards. Thank you so much for reminding me that I had … you know, I had done that once. And I think we’ve all experienced that: times when we’ve just … we’ve let ourselves cry, even if it was, you know, in the bathroom with the water running. I … I was hit when I was a child and it became unsafe to cry because I was hit when I cried, so I learned to run into the bathroom and turn on the water so no one would hear me cry …
Phil Love: Mm-hmm.
Francesca Gentille: But giving ourselves the permission to have it, to have it and move through it …
Phil Love: Yes.
Francesca Gentille: Energy and emotions. Energy in motion. Oh, that’s great. That’s …
Phil Love: Yeah. That’s the biggest place we get stuck, you know, is when we’re not letting it … We’re not letting it move! [laughs] That’s the part. Yeah.
Francesca Gentille: And, you know, we’re almost at … It goes so fast, these … this little half an hour of time together, and … but I’m so enjoying these practices around compassion that you’re giving us, and this sense of deepening into that feeled [sic] oneness that our world needs or we’re going to all, you know, blow each other up. We need to come into this sense of deep, deep oneness and communion. Anything else that you would say to us as kind of wrapping this up for us, and maybe next steps, or how to find you, or anything?
Phil Love: Well, I would say, you know, if we can just remember that right in your life situation and circumstance, people, place, thing, whatever, if you’re out of harmony with your outer world, just look at it … Be … Feel safe to look at it, and trust and know—I promise you— looking at it, asking with … Connecting with your source: “Show me how we’re the same here. Show me how we’re one here,” and then stopping, quiet enough to pay attention to get the answer, and you’ll see, and all of a sudden, that will clear it up and you’ll feel some compassion start to flow, and understanding, and you’ll start to build that muscle of knowing, “Man, we are one. I’m one with all these other situations,” and that’s accepting yourself. In the long picture of it, when we can accept our outer world, we’re accepting ourselves, because we come from it. We’re all pieces and parts of it. And then the second part was, once we glance at our outer world and look at it fully and then start diving in, if we need to feel something there … if we need to feel an emotion there … go into it 100%; fully; completely. If it’s with your partner, your child, your family member or neighbor, coworker, go in 100%. That frees up even more space. We don’t have to even focus on transmuting stuff and running from it or coloring it in any way. It’s beautiful just like it is, and unconditional love will flow from that place with effortless ease and just no effort. And people can do this all over the world, and like you said, it’s beautiful and great when we get into a group of people and we can share new experiences and more possibilities of practices and work and stuff like that and get different perspectives. This is something anyone can do anywhere in the world by yourself or with your partner. No other teacher necessary. Just face your life.
Francesca Gentille: Thank you so much, Phil, for joining us today. I so much appreciate your taking this time. And for our listening audience, if you want to know more about Phil, what he’s up to … We didn’t even get a chance to talk about that he’s creating communities in Atlanta and in Costa Rica, and you can find out more or read the transcripts of the show, contact Phil through www.PersonalLifeMedia.com. That’s www.PersonalLifeMedia.com.
Francesca Gentille: Thank you for listening to “Sex Tantra and Kama Sutra, bringing you the soul of sex and love worldwide.
Woman: Find more great shows like this on PersonalLifeMedia.com.