Episode 85 - Dr. Wendy Lyon: 10 Steps to Successful Relationships
Dr. Wendy Lyon is a master certified relationship and life coach, workshop facilitator, and relationship expert for BayAreaSingles.com. Dr. Wendy wants to help everyone create the relationship of their dreams. She's come up with her Ten Steps to Relationship Success. Listen in as Dr. Wendy and I delve into beliefs about dating, relationships, sex, love, men, women and more. Using my own beliefs as a model, Wendy teaches a simple technique to recognize and shift beliefs that impede relationship success.
Chip August: Welcome to Sex, Love, and Intimacy. I’m your host Chip August and on today’s show were going to be talking to Dr. Wendy Lyon. Dr. Wendy Lyon is a master certified relationship and life coach, she’s a workshop facilitator, a speaker, and an author who has guided hundreds of people to personal and professional success. She’s the relationship expert for bayareasingles.com and she holds a doctorate in psychology. She’s spent many years as a college professor and she has trained with three coaching institutions. She’s a licensed facilitator of the Avatar Course, she has taught, uh, Avatar and self-development seminars since 1997, and today we’re actually going to be talking about, uh, how to have relationship success, uh, Dr. Wendy has some ideas about the steps you take towards relationship success and, um, how to, how to really get conscious about creating successful relationships. So, welcome to the show, Dr. Wendy.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Thank you so much Chip, it’s really a pleasure to be here with you today.
Chip August: Well, it’s a real pleasure to have you. Now, now you and I met years ago, and of course I didn’t really know what you did for a living, and, uh, um, I bumped into your name reading the Palo Alto Weekly recently, and there you were short of talking with a great deal of expertise about the Bay Area singles scene and, and how to be more successful and how to help people really, uh, create, uh, relationships. And by “be more successful” I want to say, uh, it’s not so much about, uh, some people… Everybody rates success a little differently, but I’m pretty clear that, that the thing that you’re, uh, really talking about is “be successful” in the sense of actually winding up in the relationship that you’d really like to be in. So, um, so I want to talk to you a little bit about that and see if we can’t help people figure out how to do that.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Yeah, and it’s not just about winding up in the relationship you want to be in, but in creating the life that you want to be living.
Chip August: Uh huh.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: So it’s kind of the whole package where you’re living the life you love and having love in your life, and I… That’s my goal for the people that have that, and to help them more closer to it.
Chip August: Oooh, that sounds so good. [laughs] So, so… I… Yeah, yeah, uh, everything else flows from that, doesn’t it? So, so, so the place you start, and of course it’s the place I think we all start, is something about knowing yourself and, and, uh, knowing, you know, and having some self-confidence, and having some self-awareness about your strengths, and I was just noticing that that might actually be the hardest hurdle for a lot of us, you know, that we’re, we, life has kind of beat us up a little bit, and then somehow or other we’re supposed to just get out there and put on a happy face, you know, and… How do you do that?
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Well I, I think it is a critical piece that sometimes people overlook, they’re so busy running around and looking for Mr. Right or Ms. Right, and they don’t stop to think about themselves, and who they really are, and what, what are they passionate about, you know, what’s, what’s making a difference in your life, so I think that’s just number one important, and if you don’t know who you are then you don’t know where you’re going and, and you’re not clear about what kind of relationship will work for you. So that’s part of where, where all the upsets and heartache probably come from, it’s not having that understanding, that self-awareness, and that, that’s about knowing your passions, what it is you love, what matters most to you, maybe it’s about raising a family, maybe it’s about making a difference in your community, or maybe it’s about learning about other cultures and, and everybody has values that sometimes they’re, they’re so busy they’re not even aware what those values are, and those are the things that you care a lot about, the things that you wake up honoring that give your life meaning, and maybe yours includes things like fun and play, maybe it’s about prosperity and wealth, perhaps it’s learning, education, or, I know you Chip, maybe it’s about sex and pleasure, or what, you know, whatever it must be…
Chip August: [laughs]
Dr. Wendy Lyon: … But it’s important to know what it is so, so you can live in alignment with those values. Or if you don’t then you’re going to eventually feel bored or depressed and that’s not a fun way to go through life. So it’s so important to know and, and, and live by those values, and also know your own unique purpose. What are you doing here? How can you show up and, and really shine your light and, and live your purpose? And most people are just so busy day-to-day they don’t take the time to get clear about, about what that purpose is.
Chip August: I kinda think the popular media works against us, you know, that, um, when I, uh, when I listen to love songs or I watch, uh, date movies, it seems like the message is, uh, what’s, what’s going to complete me is somebody else, what’s going to make me happy is somebody else.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Yeah. Yeah, I think that’s a misconception and kinda disappointing cause in the real world if you’re not feeling complete and whole inside it’s pretty hard for another person to be able to provide that for you. I mean somebody can only love you as much as you love yourself.
Chip August: Is that really true? Can’t somebody love me more than I love me?
Dr. Wendy Lyon: [laughs] It might, but you probably can’t take it in
Chip August: [laughs] That’s probably true. Yeah, yeah.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Isn’t that interesting? Yeah.
Chip August: So, so, um, so you start there. You kinda start with, you know, know who you are, know where you’re going, know what you want, right? Um, I, I notice it’s easier for me to notice what I don’t want much easier than to know what I do want. How do I know what I want?
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Well knowing what you don’t want is a good step and an important one, and in fact you can look back at the past, what happened works, and before, what, what doesn’t make me happy. Sometimes it’s easier to go there cause I, I hear that a lot people want to go right into what they don’t want, and, um, from that you can gather, you know, what it is you do want. Maybe you don’t want people who are mean to you or cheat on you and all those kinds of things, but maybe what you do want is honesty and fidelity and it’s good to know well, what’s really important in your life, what do you want? Maybe you want children, maybe you don’t. It’s good to know about that kind of thing. Those, those kinds of things can be real deal breakers for, for many people, and not knowing them means, hey, you’re wandering around, you’re randomly meeting people, and then there’s not wonder there’s such a high divorce rate and people break up a lot. Because they’re getting involved with people who aren’t going to be able to meet those requirements, you know, that you want to have in a relationship and, and when that doesn’t work it’s very sad.
Chip August: Yeah. Yeah, and often we don’t find out… We don’t really get that we’re not aligned until we’re way deep in.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Exactly, so I, I recommend not getting deep in until you know who you’re jumping in with.
Chip August: So what do I do? Do I sit down with a pad and paper and just start writing down, sorta, my “this is what I think I want?” Make a list? Is that…?
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Well, I again I think it’s first important to get clear about yourself; who you are, what you love, what turns your on, what values are most important for you, what you feel your purpose is, and that that’s really unique for you, that, that brings you joy, and then knowing where you’re going, you know, what’s your vision for the future, where are you headed. So to be happy your, your vision needs to be congruent with your life purpose, and to discover that vision you need to let yourself dream big and not, not get in your own way, like censoring yourself saying “oh I can’t have that” or “that’s never work.” So, I mean that vision is that life and the lifestyle that fits best for you. Most people don’t take the time to get clear on that, but it’s so nice and easy when you are clear about it and then you can see if somebody will be, you know, if their vision is aligned with your vision, do they even have a vision. You know, do you have a clear vision? Maybe there are people out there who would like to be clear about that. I mean, it could be, I’m not talking about knowing every detail of what our life will be like. Perhaps you have a vision of living in the country with your partner and having a bunch of dogs, or spending time gardening, something like that, or maybe it’s a very different kind of vision where you see yourself in a bustling city, got a large extended family, maybe community all around you, maybe you’re doing important work that, that’s making a difference, whatever it might be. It’s just, a, a real big piece that, you know, you don’t learn in school, like “Ok, what is my vision? Where am I headed?” And when you’re clear about that it’s so much easier to meet somebody who could line up with that and who also shares those things and goals.
Chip August: Now a, a lot of your work is really about, um, helping people sorta delve into their, uh, their beliefs and their habits, sorta their, the unconscious stuff that they bring in that, that either serves them in relationship or keeps them from getting into relationship, and you and I were talking before the interview and you were saying “Well, ok Chip, I can kinda show you how I do that by delving into yours.” So are you, you still interested in doing that?
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Absolutely, I’d love to. Yeah, yeah and I think…
Chip August: …Well. Well, before you dive in, before we dive in, I just want to say: Listeners, we’re going to take a short break and then when we come back I’m going to be a little bit of a guinea pig here, I’m, gonna, uh, I’m gonna pretend I’m single and, uh, and Dr. Wendy’s gonna help me, uh, maybe see some of my, uh, my, uh, beliefs, and, uh, maybe some of the ideas I have that might get in the way of my dating, or maybe some of the things that might help me, and maybe in that process you’ll all learn something also, so. But first I want to pause, so, uh we wanna take a break and give a chance to, uh, support our sponsors. Listeners, I just wanna say that our sponsors really, you know, that’s what makes the show possible, so please don’t tune out the messages, actually listen to the messages, and, uh, just know that, uh, when you, when you patronize the sponsors that’s why, that’s what makes it possible for me to bring the show, so, um, I’d appreciate it, and, um, to that end, we offer lots of, uh, incentive deals, promotional deals just for listeners to this show, so, um, you can get, you can get, like up to 20% off an audible.com, you can get, uh, I think 10 or 15% off on ice.com, you can get up to 50% off at Adam and Eve, there’s just lots of different, uh, products and ideas where you can save some money and support the show, and, uh, help yourself and help us. So, um, please have a listen to these messages and then come on back, cause, uh, when we come back why Dr. Wendy’s gonna help me explore some of my own beliefs and my own limiting idea, and uh, it should be a lot of fun. So we’ll be right back.
Chip August: Welcome back to Sex, Love, and Intimacy. I’m your host, Chip August. I’m talking to Dr. Wendy Lyon, she’s a, uh, master certified relationship and life coach, and, uh, is, uh the relationship expert for bayareasingles.com and we’ve been talking about the steps that a person takes to relationship success, uh, uh, we’ve been talking a lot about dating and, uh, kinda knowing yourself and having a goal, and having a vision, and of course I think one of the big things that, uh, either keeps us being in relationships that we don’t want to be in, or not finding the relationship we do want to be in, is something about our beliefs, the things that get in the way, our, sort of our underlining beliefs, and so let’s talk about that a little bit, ok?
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Absolutely, and I just wanted to recap for people that are following along about some steps to relationship success, the first step is knowing who you are, the second step is knowing where you are going, and then you want to know what you want in a relationship, but none of this is going to work for you unless you believe in it. So you need to believe in yourself and believe in your vision. And so let’s look at some ways to recognize and shift impeding beliefs, and I just wanted to share some popular beliefs that I’ve heard through the years that, that come between you and your vision. I hear people say “Oh, I’ll never have a loving relationship” or “I don’t really deserve it, I don’t deserve to have the love I want, I’m not something enough, I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not rich enough, I’m not thin enough” whatever it is. Or, or then I get the “I’m too much,” “I’m too old, I’m too late, I’m too something, something’s wrong” or, or “all the good ones are taken, so I have to take what I can get” or the “no, there’s just no one out there for me” or “if I do find someone well I’ll be rejected, I’ll be hurt, I’ll be abandoned, I’ll be controlled, I’ll be lots better not to even be in a relationship.” And then I just, I hear “well I, it’s just too late,” but I don’t think it’s ever too late as long as you’re breathing, so, so it’s not too late, if you’re listening, it’s not too late. So that’s…
Chip August: Well, um, I, I think also in there there’s, there’s a whole lot of well, uh, I don’t say it quite the way you say it, it’s more like “well, when I lose 20 pounds, when I finish my degree, when I get a better job, when I get a raise, when I, when I have more time.”
Dr. Wendy Lyon: “When I’m perfect.”
Chip August: Yeah, when I’m perfect.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: “When I’m perfect, then I can go on a date.”
Chip August: Yeah.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: So, do you, do you really wanna wait that long? Or what if you’re perfect just the way you are and, and meeting the right person could help you become more of who you wanna be. So it’s about accepting where you are now and, yes, you might have some goals to lose a little weight or get a better job, great. And, I mean, sometimes people aren’t ready to jump in a relationship, they do need to handle the situations in their life, maybe they’re going through bankruptcy, that’s not a great time to jump into a relationship. Maybe, you know, you wanna look at where you are in your life, but, um, what I thought we could do right now is a little exploration of, of beliefs that maybe have gotten in the way of, of your vision.
Chip August: Terrific.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: And, yeah, and this is a, um, uh, an adaptation from an exercise in a book called Resurfacing: [Techniques for] Exploring Consciousness and that’s by Harry Palmer, who’s the founder of the Avatar Courses, and also, some of the earlier things I was talking, was talking about, um, have been inspired by my work with the Relationship Coaching Institute and that’s founded by David Steel and I just wanted to put in a plug for that institute because it’s such a great organization that’s really dedicated to helping people be more conscious about dating and mating.
Chip August: Cool.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: So let’s, let’s start with looking at beliefs, and we’re going to look at beliefs that, that you have about yourself and, and Chip since you’re, you’re on the line with me, um, we’re gonna look at what’s the first word that comes to mind when you finish the sentence “I am…” “I am” fill in the blank.
Chip August: Ooh, ok so the first word that came to mind was “I am sitting.” [laughs]
Dr. Wendy Lyon: “I am sitting.” [laughs] Oh that doesn’t happen a lot, do you want a juice? You know, whatever.
Chip August: Sorry, I’m just in that, I’m in that moment. Ok, I am, well, uh, I, I am, uh, middle-aged, uh, I am funny.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Ok.
Chip August: Uh, I am smart.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Ok.
Chip August: Uh…
Dr. Wendy Lyon: So let’s look at, let’s, “I am middle aged” so, is this, is this a belief that’s helpful, is it serving you? Is it a good belief for you to have or, or is it impeding “I am middle aged?”
Chip August: Well it would certainly get in the way of me dating women who were 25 years younger than me.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Uh huh.
Chip August: But I, uh, it’s hard to know whether it’s impeding or not. I, you know, I’m 56 years old, I don’t think I’m going to live past 112, so it just seems like it’s realistic.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: I’m sorry, and how certain are you that it’s true. Let’s say five is absolutely true and one is extremely doubtful, how certain are you it’s true that you are middle aged?
Chip August: Um, um, a five.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Ok. And is this a belief that you chose on purpose, that you, so that you went belief shopping, that you went to the belief store, did you pick it out?
Chip August: Hmm. No I, no I don’t think so.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: [laughs] I don’t think so either. Yeah, would you like to keep it?
Chip August: Um… I’m not sure.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: So, if not what beliefs would you like better, what might serve you better?
Chip August: Hmm… That’s a good question.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Trade it, trade it in at the belief trade in auction.
Chip August: Uh…
Dr. Wendy Lyon: [laughing] Pick a belief, any belief.
Chip August: Ok, so I would trade it in for a belief that it is, uh, uh, um, something like, uh, chronological age really doesn’t matter.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: So it’s, uh, so the “I am…”
Chip August: I am ageless.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Ooh, that’s kinda cool.
Chip August: Yeah I just pulled that out of the air. [laughs]
Dr. Wendy Lyon: [laughs] So ageless is fun, that’s, that kinda opens things up to more possibilities. So let’s look at one more belief that you have about yourself.
Chip August: Ok.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: “I am..”
Chip August: Uh, I am smart.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: “I am smart.” So, is this one helpful?
Chip August: I, uh, yes. I like that belief.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: I like it. And how certain are you that that’s true?
Chip August: Uh, four. On a scale of one to five, I’ve definitively met people smarter than me, but I’m pretty sure I’m smart.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Yeah. Yeah, I’m pretty sure you are too. And did you consciously to believe this?
Chip August: Yes.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: So would you like to keep it?
Chip August: Yes.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: It’s working for you?
Chip August: Yup, yes.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: It’s a keeper. “I am smart.” Yes, you are. Good. Alright. So the people who are listening if you wanna play along, you might wanna think of three or more things that you believe about yourself and note for each belief, well, “is it serving me? Is it helpful? Or is it getting in my way? Is it impeding?” And “how certain am I that it’s true?” With a five being absolutely true, a one being extremely doubtful, and then you can ask yourself “Well, did I consciously choose this? Was I deliberate about choosing it, or did it just, uh, did I just pick it up somewhere?” And then you can ask…
Chip August: Well…
Dr. Wendy Lyon: … Ask yourself if you’d like to keep it or not, and if not what belief would serve you better, and then write down the new belief. So let’s look at another area and…
Chip August: Ok.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: One of my favorite topics, how about beliefs about dating? So how would you complete this sentence, and Chip, you’re on, “Dating is…” Fill in the blank.
Chip August: The first thing that came to mind is “hard work.” [laughs]
Dr. Wendy Lyon: There you go, ok, I hear that a lot. Thank you so much for sharing that cause I’m sure that listeners are, there’s a few out there who might believe that too. So “dating is hard work.” So is that a helpful or impeding belief?
Chip August: Uh, that’s probably an impeding belief.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: It probably is, yeah. And how certain are you that it’s true that dating is hard work?
Chip August: That’s a little tricky, I, certainly when I was dating sometimes it was hard work and sometimes it wasn’t, so probably that’s like a three, you know, like, cause it’s… Yeah.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Ok. Yeah, so it’s in the, sort of in the middle.
Chip August: Yeah.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Ok. And is that something you chose to believe on purpose? That dating is hard work.
Chip August: No, I think it’s…
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Like, ok, all the beliefs about dating, and I’ll pick this one.
Chip August: Right, no I, I think it’s something that, that sort of has crept up on me I don’t think it’s something I really chose.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: I think it’s crept up, we could say indoctrinated even, perhaps.
Chip August: Ah, ok.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Yeah, something. So good, crept up in there. And, so do you wanna keep it? A lot of our beliefs have just crept up on us and, and we have a choice, that’s the good news. So you can choose to keep it or trade it in.
Chip August: Well that doesn’t seem like a belief that’s really useful to keep, so let’s trade it in.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Trade it in. So what would you like to trade it in for?
Chip August: Uh… Um… Well, let’s try something simple like, uh, dating is fun and easy.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: That sounds like more fun.
Chip August: Yeah.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: “Dating is fun and easy.” Great. So how about time, do you want to do one more on dating?
Chip August: Yeah, let’s do one more. We’re good.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Ok good. So what’s another belief about dating? “Dating is…”
Chip August: Hmm… Oh, I, I, uh, uh, hmm, dating is the, hmm… Well the first, I, um, I’m resisting the thought that ran into my head [laughing] because I’m finding out that I think I’m an old coot. The first thought that came to my head was, like, dating is for teenagers.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Ok, “dating is for teenagers.” That’s pretty funny, ok.
Chip August: Yeah, well, that’s what jumped in my head.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Yeah, that’s what came in. And, and you’re not alone, I heard that all the time. Cause, uh, most of the people I work with are well over thirty…
Chip August: Uh huh.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: … And, and they get this idea that, well, dating, that’s not something you do in your forties and fifties, but, well guess what, it is. [laughs] Yeah, so ok. Well it can be anyway. So “dating is for teenagers.” Is this belief helpful or impeding?
Chip August: Well, clearly that belief is not helpful, unless I want to date teenagers, which I don’t.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Good. Glad to hear it. [laughs] They probably don’t want to date you either.
Chip August: Yeah, I would hope. [laughs]
Dr. Wendy Lyon: I would hope. [laughs] Yeah, yeah, ok. So how certain are you that it’s true, that dating is for teenagers?
Chip August: Well that’s another one where certainly you see many more teenagers and, nah, I don’t even know. Ok, I don’t actually think that’s true at all. I look around and people of all age date so, I’d say that’s a one.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Ok good. And did you ever consciously choose to believe that?
Chip August: Probably when I was a teenager, but…
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Uh huh.
Chip August: … But probably not, not, not in the last oh forty years, no.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Yeah. So is that a belief that you’d like to keep?
Chip August: Uh, it seems like that’s a limiting belief.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Ok, so what would serve you better?
Chip August: Uh… Dating is for anybody who wants to date.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: I like that one. Now, so listeners, dating is for anybody you want to date, good. So, so people want to think of three or more things that you believe about dating and note for each belief “Is it serving me? Is it helpful? Or is it getting in my way? Is it impeding?” and “How certain am I that it’s true?” “Did I consciously choose it?” And “Do I wanna keep it? If not, what would serve me better?” And write down your new belief. Let’s look beliefs about relationships.
Chip August: Uh huh. But let’s…
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Relationships are…
Chip August: But let’s, but let’s pause for a moment and, uh, take a break and then we’ll come back and we’ll do what relationships are. Listeners, you’re listening to Sex, Love and Intimacy. I’m your host Chip August, I’m talking to Dr. Wendy Lyon. Obviously we are talking about steps that you can take to relationship success and, uh, we’re going to take a short break, and we’ll be right back. If you, uh, if you like what you’re hearing, please feel free to drop me a line at [email protected], I would love to know your, uh, your criticism, comments, and suggestions for the show. I do often bring guests on the show who are suggested by people who listen to the show, also if you, uh, if you’re listening to Dr. Wendy right now and you’re thinking “ how am I going to remember all those steps?” We do transcribe almost every episode of Sex, Love and Intimacy, so if you want to go back and read what Dr. Wendy said, um, why it’ll be right there on the episode page at personallifemedia.com, so, uh, please, feel free to check out the transcripts and also, every so often, uh, a guest of mine will say something and I think, I need to send that to my wife, and I’ll literally just cut and paste it, I’ll just take it out of there and drop it right into an email and send it to her, and it’s kind of a nice way to, uh, uh, um, spread the word and it’s also kind of a nice way to let people know about Sex, Love and Intimacy the show and maybe get them to listen to. So you can help me grow my show and when you hear really good ideas you can help grab on to them. So, uh, check out the transcripts and check out the episode pages. We’ll be right back and don’t forget that at the end of the show, why, you’ll be able to do some of these exercises by yourself at home. We’ll be right back.
Chip August: Welcome back to Sex, Love and Intimacy. I’m your host, Chip August. I’m talking to Dr. Wendy Lyon. She is the relationship expert at bayareasingles.com, and we’ve been talking about taking steps towards relationship success, and what we were talking about on the break was about, uh, limiting beliefs and you were just about to ask me about beliefs I have about relationships.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Yeah, um, beliefs about relationships. I know everyone has beliefs about relationships, so let’s do some exploration here. So let’s fill in the blank “Relationships are…” So, Chip how would you fill that in? “Relationships are…”
Chip August: Well, my, my grandmother used to say that for every pot there’s a lid, that there’s always somebody out there for you, but I don’t know, sometimes I think relationships are not for everyone, that, you know, there just isn’t a relationships for everyone.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Hmm. Yeah. Yeah I’ve heard that one before. So, so would you say that’s a helpful or impeding belief?
Chip August: Well if I wanna be in relationship, that’s definitively an impeding belief.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Yeah, it gets in the way.
Chip August: Yeah, there isn’t somebody for… The idea that there isn’t somebody for me is probably an idea that gets in the way.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: It certainly does and I hear it a lot, yes. How certain are you that it’s true?
Chip August: Well, that’s, you know, that’s tough. Life has beaten me up a little bit and, um, so, but how certain am I? No, I’m not certain, I would say may be it’s a two or a three, you know, it’s something I don’t wanna believe, but I kinda wonder.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Ok, yeah. Yeah. And did you choose this? Did you choose to believe well, yeah, well, there’s, people say there’s relationships for everyone, but, nah, there’s no one for me? Did you consciously choose to believe this?
Chip August: Well, no, I think that’s more like a, like a defense from life beating me up a little bit, I think I used to believe that there was somebody out there for me and after a while I got frustrated and I came to doubt it.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Right, right. So here’s your big chance. Would you like to hang on to that belief?
Chip August: Ooof. It’s such a safe belief, you know, if I, I believe that, that, that there isn’t somebody out there for me then I don’t have to blame me, you know, uh. No, of course not, letting it, letting it go will definitively have me move forward.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Good for you, good for you. So what belief would serve you better?
Chip August: Uh, well, that belief that, that, uh would that, uh, uh, you know, that there’s, that there are someone or someones out there who can love me and be in relationship with me the way I want to be in relationship with them.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Yay! Fantastic. [laughs]
Chip August: Well I, I do kinda do this for a living. [laughs[
Dr. Wendy Lyon: That’s great. That’s wonderful.
Chip August: Ok, I love this, ok this is great. Um…
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Yeah, yeah and I want the people on the line to spend some time to think about the things that you believe about relationships and, and, you know, note for each belief “ok, is this really helpful, is it impeding?” “How certain am I about it?” “Did I choose it on purpose?” “Would I keep it, or not? And if not, what’s better?”
Chip August: Right. Right, I know, usually we end the show with asking listeners, giving listeners an exercise to do at home, but I think this is the exercise, it’s to look, to really look at your beliefs and say, and ask those questions one more time. Is it…?
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Alright, so, so, I mean, you can also look at, you know, other beliefs you might have…
Chip August: Yup.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: … We looked at beliefs about yourself, we saw dating, beliefs about relationships. But you can apply this to anything. And, and, just write the first things that come to mind, at least three…
Chip August: Right.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: … And then ask yourself “Ok, is this serving me? Is it helpful?” or “Is it getting in my way, is it impeding?”
Chip August: Right.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: And then “How certain am I that it’s true, that it’s really true?” and then you can use a scale from one to five, where one’s extremely doubtful and five is absolutely true. And then, finally, ask yourself, “Well, did I ever consciously choose this belief on purpose?”
Chip August: Uh huh.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: And my guess is if it’s impeding, you probably didn’t.
Chip August: Right.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: [laughs] Just a hint. Um, and then you can ask yourself “well, would I like to keep it?”
Chip August: Right.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: “Is this a keeper, or is it not a keeper?” And if it’s not a keeper, well what belief would serve you better?
Chip August: That is all great. Now, now you have like, ten steps to relationship success…
Dr. Wendy Lyon: I do.
Chip August: … And we’ve talked probably about four of them. Can you just kinda go through, briefly, ok, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten?
Dr. Wendy Lyon: I can do that, and I also wanted to give people some ideas of some, some beliefs that might empower you to manifest your vision for your ideal life and relationship, and these are things like, “I know who I am,” “ I live my live on purpose,” “ I make choices that fit for me,” “I’m authentic and honest with myself and others,” “I love, accept and trust myself,” “I deserve love and happiness in my life,” “ I connect with and appreciate others,” “I take responsibility for myself and my life,” and “I have faith in my ability to create the life and relationship of my dreams.” So…
Chip August: And…
Dr. Wendy Lyon: … Those are good ones, and I know a lot of people need some support to get there, so that, that’s why I’m here. So let’s go over the ten steps to relationships success…
Chip August: I…
Dr. Wendy Lyon: … First of all… What?
Chip August: Yeah, ok, I was just gonna say, the thing about beliefs, I just wanna say this to the listeners…
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Yeah.
Chip August: … The thing about beliefs are, um, yeah we live, we live these days in a pseudo-scientific age and people say, “Well, but you know, that’s not true, I don’t have any evidence.” And that’s the thing about belief, belief is belief, it’s not evidence, it’s not science. Um, you decide “I want to believe this because the belief serves me.” And, um, that’s everything from believing in Santa Clause to believing that, uh, tomorrow could be better than today. And I, um, if you notice you’re resisting the idea of just embracing a belief, uh, there’s a, there’s a, uh, uh, uh, uh, there was a former undersecretary of the UN, Robert Muller who was a survivor of the Holocaust, and, uh, someone once asked him, how can he be optimistic about the world, you know he works in the UN, how can, he has seen so much suffering in his life, how could he possibly have belief that the world could be a better place given what he’s seen, and he, and he looked at the, the person who was asking him and he said something like “uh, if you, if you look at evidence, uh, if you look at it scientifically, it’s very easy to be pessimistic. I’m on optimist by choice…”
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Absolutely.
Chip August: “ I choose optimism because it’s a better…” So I wanna say those of you who are listening to this, if you notice some of those beliefs that Wendy just said, “Ooh, I don’t know if I can really believe that.” I invite you to just believe because you choose to believe.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: So that’s, that’s an important point you brought up Chip, and I, I know how challenging it can be for people to embrace these optimistic beliefs when they’re used to a different perspective, so that’s, that’s why I do the work I do, that’s why I’m an optimist by choice, and that’s why I help people to create that optimism in their lives.
Chip August: Ok, now we’re gonna, I, I want you to just briefly tell people your ten steps here.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Ok great. So the first step to relationship success is to know who you are, to know your passions, know your purpose, know your values. And the second step is know where you’re going, know your vision for the future. The third step, know what you want in a relationship, know your relationship requirements, these are the deal breakers for you, the things that have to be there, so you need to know what those are. And the fourth step we’ve spent some time on exploring which is to believe in yourself and believe in your vision, and to learn how to recognize and shift the impeding beliefs that have gotten in the way. So we haven’t yet talked about the other steps and I’m gonna tell you what they are. The fifth step is to really, to really clarify your vision and your requirement if you’re single or if you’re coupled, it doesn’t matter, you wanna get the support that you need and be willing to let go if there are any missing requirement. Like if you’re with somebody you wanna share goals, share dreams, share a vision, and be supportive of each other, be aligned on the same path. And the sixth step, well, if you’re ready to say yes to your partner, then commit to your relationship success, you wanna go for it, not hold back and 100% fully show up in your relationship. Be there, present, and check in with all of you, your head, your heart, your body and soul, and say yes if it feels right about going forward. And the seventh step is to communicate. You wanna communicate clearly and with respect. That means without judgment, without sarcasm, without making assumptions, that mean you’re showing up, you’re listening with compassion, you’re sharing feelings, making requests as needed. And number eight is to care for each other, show your affection, show your appreciation, many different ways you can do that. And number nine is to connect, if you’re in a relationship you need to connect. So that means you spend time together, you share your lives, you touch, you talk, you share activities and interests. And finally number ten, get the support that you need to create a relationship that works for you. How do you do that? Could be through coaching, workshops, friends, family… The idea is that you can have a plan that works for you so you know where to go and what to do when you get there and how to be the chooser in every aspect of your life. So…
Chip August: Well Dr. Wendy, it sounds to me like you would be, you might be one of the people that can, uh, help support people in being in the relationship they wanna be in. If people wanted to get in touch with you, how would they find you?
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Well absolutely, I would like to be on your team if you’re listening and help you to, to be the loving person that you want to be and find the partner that you want or spark the relationship that you’re, that you’re in. In fact I am offering the first ten people who get in touch with me, I’m gonna offer you a complimentary Be, Find, or Spark Your Love coaching session. So that’s, that’s the kind of great opportunity for you to get clear on your, your goals, your life and relationship goals, and identify those limiting beliefs, and start taking action. So how can you find me? Uh, well, my website is Injoy Life, so www.injoylife.com and I can even put out my, uh, phone number and email address, if that’s… Is that ok?
Chip August: That’s totally up to you.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: Sure. Uh, 415-342-1300 or email is [email protected]. So this is for anybody who’s feeling stuck, is feeling like “Gosh, I really would want more love in my life.” Or “ I’m in a relationship and I sure would like it to be juicier and more harmonious.” So if that’s you then I’d love to talk to you.
Chip August: And, uh, listeners of course, if you just go to our episode pages at personallifemedia.com, uh, oh, and look for the episode with Dr. Wendy Lyon, you will find, uh, the, her, uh, uh, a, uh, uh, a, uh, place that you can contact her either through her website or directly through her email. So, um, Dr. Wendy, it has been a lot of fun talking to you, uh, um, I think that you’ve given people a lot of really good information and thank you so much for being on the show.
Dr. Wendy Lyon: My pleasure. Thank you for having me, Chip.
Chip August: And listeners, thank you so much for listening in again, uh, I really, I couldn’t do this without you and I really appreciate your support. This bring us to the end of, uh, another, uh, episode of Sex, Love and Intimacy and I hope you’ll join us again in the future. Thanks.