Episode 81 - David Shade: Becoming a Masterful Lover
David Shade, author of “The Secrets of Female Sexuality” and self-described renegade sex expert, specializes in teaching men how to, in his words, 'give women incredible pleasure' and how couples can have wildly exciting relationships. David teaches men that for a woman sex is mostly mental, how to leverage that by using mental foreplay, dirty talk, and erotic hypnosis to bring out the 'ruthlessly expressive inner animal' inside of each woman. Working with tens of thousands of men and women worldwide, David goes outsides the boundaries of political correctness and conventional wisdom, to find tools and techniques that help men give, again in his words, wild screaming orgasms. And don't miss David's sex technique exercise.
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Chip August: Welcome to “Sex, Love, and Intimacy.” I'm your host, Chip August. On today’s show, we're going to be talking to David Shade. David is the author of “The Secrets of Female Sexuality,” and he is a self-described renegade sex expert. He specializes in teaching men how to – in his words – give women incredible pleasure and how couples can have wildly exciting relationships.
Dave teaches men – that to David – that for a woman, sex is mostly mental. He teaches men how to leverage that by using mental foreplay, talk, and erotic hypnosis to bring out the ruthlessly, expressive, inner animal inside of each woman. Working with tens of thousands of men and women worldwide, David goes outside the boundaries of political correctness and conventional wisdom to find tools and techniques that help men give – again, in his words – wild, screaming orgasms.
Welcome to the show, David Shade.
David Shade: Thank you very much, Chip. It's an honor to be interviewed by you, Sir.
Chip August: Thank you. Listen, so I want to just dive right in here. Why did you write this book? What's your story? How does a guy wind up writing a book about the secrets of female sexuality?
David Shade: Yes. It is an interesting story. I was married and was happily married for eight years. We had two beautiful children, built a big home in the suburbs, it's the perfect American dream. Then in 1992, after eight years of marriage, she left me for a bad boy. I [xx], “Oh, no. I got to figure out this out. What did I do wrong?” Even though we had good sex, we always had simultaneous orgasms in intercourse. I said, “Why would she leave me? I treated her like a queen?”
So, I started trying to find out what did I do wrong? I read divorce recovery books that got me interested in relationship books. I read every book I could about relationships. I became interested in psychology, read psychology books. That got me interested in female psychology, and I read ravishly, everything I could get my hands on. At the same time, since I'd already done the married-with-children kind of thing, I figured, “I'm not going to do that again.” I've always had a great interest in the psychology-physiology of sex. I'm going to devout myself to just studying that with the woman I would be dating.
So, I read everything I could on human sexuality. Though there's not one book that necessarily stood out, all of them together, I saw a pattern start to develop. It was not like anything I had ever thought it was going to be. I had been raised, and also programmed by society – the societal programming – that women don’t necessarily like sex. They do it out of an obligation or thanks for showering her with gifts.
I'd always wondered about that, it just doesn’t make sense. Why would society tell us that? Why would I feel that way when it was really turning out that reality was something quite different than that. Like, the women I had dated before my marriage, and my wife as well, they love sex. They couldn’t have enough. So I figured, “What's going on here?” I started to put together the pieces.
Also, after my divorce, I talked to a lot of divorced women. One of the main reasons why they got divorced is because their husband was a lousy lover. This was a very, very important thing to them. Sex was extremely important and it had to be good. If it wasn’t, a lot of these women would lose interest in the relationship. Most importantly, they would lose respect for their man. They'd go outside of the marriage or they'd end the marriage and look for somebody new. The stories they shared, were very enlightening. I was, absolutely, surprised at how incredibly sexual women really are. I begin to understand that women’s capacity for orgasm and pleasure is far beyond anything I had ever comprehended.
So, after a series of very enlightening, very rewarding fun relationships, I started sharing on the Internet – when that first came out – some of the things that I had discovered. I shared some of the sexual techniques that really even surprised me that I just fell upon. I got a lot of replies and more guys were asking me for more clarification, more tips and tricks. I began to share what my philosophy was. In 2000, I started putting together all of the things I had written and put them together into a book, which became a cult classic. It, basically, communicated everything I'd learned to that point.
It was so popular, “You know, I'll make a business out of this.” I found out that men were really enjoying this. They were really listening to this. A lot of women were giving me kudos for actually articulating what they would like to have said but can't say because that would violate the rules. I thought, “Yes, people are really listening to this. They really want to know this, and I'm selling books.” So I thought, “What a wonderful thing that I can actually make a little side money at sharing what I know about these things.”
What that did is it brought a lot of people to me, to where I had resources to, actually, what was going on in reality. People would email me or we’d end up on the phone and talk, at length, about what was really going on out there in the field. That, also, was very revealing. It further supported what I had began to suspect. After a number of different books…you know what, it's the psychological aspects of all these that really is the key critical thing.
Men need to understand this. They need to understand that, for women, sex is very important. Women are highly sexual creatures, far more than any of us men could have comprehended. Women have a capacity for pleasure and orgasms far beyond what any of us had ever thought. I put all these together into one book, which came out maybe a couple of years ago, “The Secrets of Female Sexuality.” It's getting great reviews. Women are very happy to see men reading it. It tells men what women would like to say but the women can't say because it would violate the rules.
Chip August: It feels to me like, at the heart of your message, you don’t say it in these words, but I think it's in there somewhere. At the heart of your message, is something about that somehow men have stopped showing up in a masterful way. Men really need to have confidence, that they really need to know sexual technique. But they also need to really understand women at a deep level. Really, it seems like what you're teaching is that if you want to be successful in a relationship for a long time, men, you must really become a master lover. Would you say that’s kind of what you're trying to teach?
David Shade: It all begins by understanding women. Absolutely, women want us to be masterful lovers. Yes, they want to experience pleasure. They would love it if their men would go out there and actually study. The important point to get across in that particular book is to tell men it's okay that women are sexual creatures. It's okay for you to bring out the sexual creature in her. She actually wants you to do that.
In the correct context, in the context of a loving relationship where there is mutual trust and respect, and in the sexual context of the bedroom, she actually does want her man to bring out her sexuality. She wants to celebrate and experience her sexuality, and it's okay. That’s the most important thing I'm trying to communicate to men. Then, in the fact that, for women, sexuality is very much a mental thing.
Chip August: You kind of paint the picture of women as being more submissive than men. In the book, it seems like you're painting a picture where the men really needs to be a little more dominant because the woman really wants to submit to that guy. Did I read that right?
David Shade: From what women tell me, almost 100% of women, at least at some time, want to be sexually submissive. Most women most of the time are sexually submissive and they're comfortable in that. I'm trying to communicate to them that it's okay in the context of trust, love, and relationship. He can be more manly, more dominant in the bedroom. She actually wants him to do that, and it's okay for him to do that. It is not in contradiction with the fact that, in the living room, he absolutely must treat her with the utmost of respect like the lady that she is.
This is very important to women. They live a life of dichotomy where, in the living room, they expect to be treated like a lady. They expect to be treated with respect, nothing sexual about it. But in the bedroom, it's okay and women actually like it when you are dominant, where she gets to enjoy being sexually submissive, and even using dirty words.
Chip August: So that by being willing to use language and to be a little more aggressive and assertive, but also because you’ve been a sensitive partner at the times when sensitivity is the right time, the woman will surrender, basically. She’ll be able to surrender into her sexuality. Is that kind of what you're saying?
David Shade: Yes, and you brought up a really important thing. I tell you, guys, that you're not going to have success in the bedroom unless you do all those other things outside of the bedroom. Like, in the living room, you treat her with the utmost respect. You treat her like a lady. She wants to be appreciated for her accomplishments, for her contribution. Also, the relationship, absolutely, must be nurtured.
Chip August: No, this is all great, but I want to pause for a moment to take a break. Then, come back and talk some more about this because this is all very fascinating. We are going to take a short break. Listeners, please do listen to these messages from my sponsors. The sponsors really make it possible for me to bring you the show. They also have some really cool stuff to offer. Some of my sponsors, you can download audio products and books from Audible. You can get sex toys from Adam & Eve, and all kinds of things. So, please listen to the sponsors. If they have something that you can use, I believe, you can get some discounts just from listening to this show.
You're listening to “Sex, Love, and Intimacy,” and we'll be right back.
Chip August: Welcome back to “Sex, Love, and Intimacy.” I'm your host, Chip August. On the show today, we're talking to David Shade, the author of “The Secrets of Female Sexuality.” We've been talking about where your information came from and why you wrote the book. I want to move a little bit into this. One of the things – I kind of blanched[sp] out a little bit when I read the book – it kind of seem like you were saying you can't be a nice guy in the bedroom and have a lasting successful sexual relationship. Why can't you be a nice guy and have sex?
David Shade: No, you absolutely can't. There's a time and place for everything. Absolutely, you can be a nice guy in the bedroom. Now, I have to highlight the things that men need to do in order to progress the relationship or in order to get over sticking points.
Chip August: Terrific.
David Shade: But absolutely, there is a time and place to be the nice guy in the bedroom. There's a time and place to just make love. Absolutely. There's a time and place where hey, you let her drive, let her be the dumb[sp]. Women do enjoy doing that on occasions. Some women don’t, some women do. Some women enjoy doing that most of the time, and that’s perfectly fine. What I'm trying to get across to men is there are times when you are going to have to be the dominant. You would be well advised to be the dominant in the bedroom in order to get over certain sticking points, in order that she can realize all the things that she wants to realize. But absolutely, there's a time and place to be a nice guy and just make love, that’s very important in a relationship.
Chip August: So, I kind of got the sense that if I'm a nice guy too much, basically, women are going to get bored with me. I need to somehow combine some elements of what a bad boy is going to offer them, but not the bad stuff. At one point, you talked about like the four things that women must have.
David Shade: Yes. Let me talk about the bad boy, nice guy thing.
Chip August: Please.
David Shade: Yes, okay. At a very basic level, I tell guys, “At a very basic level, do this. Do the exciting things in the bedroom that the bad boy does and don’t do the things in the bedroom that the nice guy does, which cause him to lose respect. Outside of the bedroom, do the good things that the nice guy does, don’t do the stupid ass things that the bad boy does.” So basically, pick the good things about the good guy, don’t do the bad things about the good guy. Pick the good things about the bad boy and don’t do the bad things about the bad boy.
Chip August: Yes. My Dad used to say, “Really, the way to keep a wife is to treat her like a queen in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom.”
David Shade: Yes, that’s pretty much it. Women actually enjoy it that way for the most part. Now, we're talking about basically mentally, healthy women who don’t have any kind of hang ups. First of all, we're talking about that. Now, we're talking about men who do not have serious hang ups. Certainly, they need to go fix that first. Now, given that, yes, it's absolutely true. Women want to be a lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom. They enjoy it that way. They live a life of dichotomy, and that’s okay for them. But they can't tell you that. To say that would define them as a slut, even though they love to get slutty in the bedroom, so long as they're treated with the utmost of respect in the living room.
Chip August: Now, you have a theory about why women have rape fantasies. Right?
David Shade: Yes. The rape fantasy is a very popular fantasy among women. Now, you and I know that rape is a disgusting, violent, unforgivable act and guys need to be hung by the balls for it.
Chip August: More pretty clear that somebody having a fantasy about it is not actually an invitation to it. Our fantasy life has very little to do with our reality life.
David Shade: Yes, yes, thank you. Okay, so we're all clear now, alright. Given that, the rape fantasy is very popular with women. The reason is because in the rape fantasy, the woman is highly desired, so highly desired that a man would just take her. She gets to be ruthlessly expressive yet she does not have to assume any responsibility for it. Women absolutely want to be ruthlessly expressive sexually, but they do not want to assume any of the responsibility. To do that would violate the rules, you cannot be a slut. It would violate the rule that she enjoys being sexually submissive. Now, the rape fantasy is the ultimate expression of that where she has, absolutely, no responsibility for it and it's ruthlessly sexual.
Chip August: Yes, and because she has no responsibility, she can let go of whatever her inhibitions are.
David Shade: Right, because she has no choice.
Chip August: Right.
David Shade: When it's a fantasy, only a fantasy, then she can completely let go to the fantasy of that.
Chip August: So, you do write about four things that women want from men. What are those four things?
David Shade: Yes. The four things are very important. To ensure that the relationship is successful, because only when the relationship is successful will the bedroom activity be successful. The four things are, first of all, she has to feel special. She has to feel like that very unique woman and unique to you. She's different from all the others. She's special, she has to feel special.
Secondly, she has to feel that deep emotional connection with her man. That, you hear it all the time, and it's so critically important that women want their men to be emotionally communicative. You absolutely must nurture that deep emotional connection. She has to feel that deep emotional connection. It's unique to you, where she gets great reward, great feelings by emoting to you and by you, allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable to her. She has to feel that. Third, she has to feel sexy, beautiful, and feminine. She has to enjoy all the things that come with being a woman. You have to make her feel beautiful. She has to feel sexy. She has to enjoy feeling feminine. The fourth thing is, she wants hot action at sex.
Those four things…believe me, I've is it only three things? I've looked at, is it five things? Now, this is all assuming that there is a relationship, that there is mutual sexual attraction. There is common socio-economic background. There's trust, there's respect, all that other stuff. Given those things, you have a relationship. Okay. Once you have a relationship, those four things have to be true. You can look at any divorce and you'll probably find that it was one of those four things were missing, which ended up leading to the divorce.
Chip August: Got it. So, somewhere in all of these, as a man, you're basically saying to women, “Women, let me tell the guys what you’ve been trying to say but somehow it hasn’t been communicated really well.” To the men, you're kind of saying, “Look, you have to really grow up hair here. You got to step up. You got to really know how to make love to a woman in a way that will make her crazy, but also know how to make her feel loved and respected in the times when that’s what she needs.” You really kind of teaching men how to be men. Yes?
David Shade: You know, I'm not speaking for anybody when I wrote the book. When I wrote the book, I was communicating what I had learned, what had worked for me, and what I had gathered from my anecdotal information. This has worked for all of my clients and all of their wives and girlfriends are very happy about it. So, it's communicating what I knew and what I believed. I'm not speaking for anybody, but I'm very happy when they take my advice. It just shows to me, “Yes, I'm saying the right thing, and it had actually helped people.” I'm very happy when women say, “Yes, that’s exactly what I want men to know but I couldn’t say it myself.” I'm not speaking for them, but I'm very happy to hear that it has helped them.
Chip August: Got it. Listen, we're going to pause, take another break here, and come on back. You're listening to “Sex, Love, and Intimacy.” I'm your host, Chip August. If you’ve heard something in this show that you notice, caught your ear, and you're thinking, “I wish I had those words, I would send them to my partner and say, “See, that’s what I mean.” We transcribed most of the episodes of “Sex, Love, and Intimacy.” So, you can read the words back. You can also perhaps cut a phrase, paste it, and send it to somebody that maybe needs to hear these words or maybe needs to see these words. You can find these all on my Episode Pages at PersonalLifeMedia.com.
Also, please, if you have suggestions for guests or for future shows or you just want to make comments about some of the shows I've already done, send me an email to [email protected]. I love to hear from you and I love ideas. Many of my guests are on the show because they were recommended by listeners from the show. As I say, we're going to take a short break. When we come back, among other things, David is going to talk about an exercise, something you can do at home that will improve the sex, love, and intimacy in your life. So, come on back after this break.
Chip August: We're back. You're listening to “Sex, Love, and Intimacy.” I'm your host, Chip August. We're talking to David Shade. He's the author of “The Secrets of Female Sexuality.” David was just reminding me that he wasn’t really speaking for anybody but David. But, he definitely has some really good ideas about what it is that makes lovers successful in a way.
I have some friends that really feel like their love life was revitalized by your work. When I was talking to the husband, he said something that, probably, is the strongest thing he said about what you teach. There was a way that he was not really standing up for himself and saying to his wife, “Look, we have a contract here. We're both wanting to love each other. We're both wanting this relationship. This is how I need you to show up.” In some way, he found a voice through you, and she responded really well to that voice. It wasn’t a complaint, it was more like he took charged.
David Shade: Let me say something to that, Chip.
Chip August: Please.
David Shade: Alright. That almost sounds like he went to her and said, “Look, I want you to do this.” Whatever that could be, it could be more blow jobs, it could be sex more often, or whatever. I don’t tell men to do that. What I tell men is, “You give her the most incredible sex she ever imagined even beyond that, and she will be more than happy to do all sorts of things.” Women are surprisingly appreciative.
What I also do is I teach men, alright, let's say, for example, you want her to give you more blow jobs. Well, don’t tell her, “Darling, I want you to give me more blow jobs.” Instead, make stimulation of her lips against your penis, cause her to have an orgasm. Well, what do you think is going to happen? You're going to get more blow jobs. So, basically, what you do is, alright, you want something such as more blow jobs. Well, how could that be a rewarding experience for her? Make that true for her, then you will enjoy that, and she will enjoy that. There are number of other things that men would love to do. There is a reward in her for each and everyone of those.
Chip August: I was really struck by, in your book, you talk about your experience of phone sex. You spent – I think, it was maybe a year – really learning how just with your words and your voice to have women have orgasms. So, you had that tool not just on the phone, you have that tool in the bedroom. That ability, just with their mind, just with the ability to visualize and speak to create orgasmic energy.
David Shade: Yes, absolutely. After my divorce in ’92, my wife left me with the children. So, I was a custodial single father stuck at home. The children were there every night. So, I put them to bed at 9 o’clock, and then I was stuck at home. So what I did is I turn to the telephone. This was before the Internet in ’92. I turned to a local singles magazine here in the area that had ads in it for singles. You would call a 900 number, you type in the number of the ad, and you'd leave a little message. I'd tell the ladies and call after 9 o’clock.
So, every night at 9 o’clock, the phone would ring, and it would a different woman each night. Usually, a divorced woman in her early 30s, and they told me amazing things. It was therapeutic for them, they reached out in the dark to have human interaction. They actually [xx] to touch somebody. It was very therapeutic for them to tell me things that they hadn’t even told their best girlfriend. I figured, “Well, I feel very defeated and alone, but I still want to know that I'm a sexual creature. I still want to know that I have a sexual effect on a woman.”
So, I would ramped up the romance, the emotional connection, and, eventually, make it sexual. The women would follow me. Eighty percent of the women, on the very first phone call, would follow me, and it would turned into phone sex. One woman that I had talked to a couple of times – I think, it was the second or the third time we're on the phone – I thought I just try something.
What I told her is to keep a free hand behind her head. Then, I went in to my narration of what I would do if I were there. I went into excruciating detail, making it very sensory rich so that it would be real in her imagination. I thought, “Well, I wonder how long I can get away with this before she begs to touch herself.” I kept describing it, describing it, and she had an orgasm. “How did you do that?!” I thought, “Holy shit.” A whole new world has opened up for me, and it all went from there.
Chip August: Yes, yes. You get to find out that our biggest erogenous zone is between our ears.
David Shade: Yes, that’s when I started to figure out that for women, sex is entirely mental. All the anatomical parts is simply props.
Chip August: Well, it's a breath of fresh air, it's pretty direct. When you read the book, David, I have to say, there's nothing clinical about it. It's a pretty direct, “Look, this is what women want. Men, this is what you need to learn.” It's a fast, easy read. I think it invites people to find out more about you. If people wanted to find out more about you, what's the best way to reach you?
David Shade: The best thing is to go to my website, that’s DavidShade.com. Sign up for my free newsletter there, I'll send you a newsletter every three or four days with different sexual tips and tricks to make your relationship even more rewarding.
Chip August: Listeners, we'll have that address on the Episode Page. Go to PersonalLifeMedia.com and look for “Sex, Love, and Intimacy,” that’s my show. You'll find an Episode Page with David’s name, David’s biography, and also links to David’s blog and to his site.
David, I always like to ask my guests, is there an exercise, is there something that people can do at home that will improve the love, intimacy, and sexuality in their life?
David Shade: Yes, one of my favorite techniques just does wonders, you get instant results from this. It's a way of stimulating the vagina that she probably has never experienced before. Just by trying things in 1993, I was just trying things with a 22-year-old woman that I was dating. She had never had an orgasm in her life. So, nothing was working, and I'm sure all of her ex-boyfriends had tried everything.
So one night, I just thought I'll just experiment around. I put my middle finger in her vagina as absolutely far as I could put my middle finger into her vagina. I pressed along the front of her vagina. I immediately got a tremendous response from her. So, I kept rubbing the front of her vagina’s absolutely deep as I could, with very well lubricated finger. She had the very first orgasm of her entire life, a vaginal orgasm, no less.
Well, I didn’t know what to call it, and I figure, “I had to stick my finger in pretty deep.” So, I just called it “the deep spot.” I started writing about that and got a lot of replies to that. It has been wonderfully successful for me and a lot of my clients. So, that’s a fun one to do. You will get a very positive, instantaneous response from that.
Chip August: Listeners, if you're looking for that, you want to get your finger or dildo[sp] any device, deep enough in so that you're just about where the cervix is. Then you want to go up towards the pubic bone. It sometimes helps if you take the hand that’s not inside your partner and press down a little bit from the outside, right at the top of her pubic hair. So, you kind of make a little sandwich between your fingers. You'll find you give an amazing experience to your partner.
David Shade: I don’t do that, but you're certainly invited to do that. I absolutely stay away from the clitoris as much as possible when doing that. It's very important to the woman to know that that was strictly a vaginal orgasm. Absolutely, pressing the finger along the front firmly is very, very pleasant for her. It is possible to use a slender dildo that has a curled tip. But the thing is, you can actually feel where you're at. Now, if you have a very [xx] a partner, she can help guide you, and then you'll have a great time with that.
Chip August: David, thank you very much for being a guest on the show. We're kind of running out of time here. I really appreciate you coming on. I just want to check in, is there anything more you want to say before we wrap up?
David Shade: No. I really appreciate this opportunity to speak with you, Chip. I really appreciate you having me on. I'm honored to be able to speak to your audience, Sir.
Chip August: Thank you so much. Listeners, thank you so much. I really appreciate your support. I appreciate you tuning in and listening in. I would really appreciate a little bit of help. One thing is that we're trying to learn a little more about you. So, if you'd be willing to take five minutes and fill out our anonymous listener survey for my show, it would help me understand you better. It would help create sponsor confidence. Also, it allows us to sell a little more advertising so I can support this work that I so love to do.
Go to Survey.PersonalLifeMedia.com or go to the Personal Life Media homepage and you'll find a little box where you can click on to the survey. It's fast, it's easy, and it really helps me out. I really appreciate it. Also, I want to encourage you, if you like my show, please send a link for the show to people in your life that you think might be interested in sex, love, and intimacy. That way, we can reach more and more and more people. I would like to do that.
Thank you very much for listening. That brings us to the end of another show. I hope you'll join us again next time.
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