Episode 63 - Nicholas Aretakis: The Search for Mr. Right
Nicholas Aretakis lived the life of the successful high-tech executive and single man-of-means until he was 42 when he met and married his Ms. Right. After he settled down one question about the dating scene he’d left behind nagged at him: Why do so many great women wind up in relationships with men who aren’t right for them? After talking to women, the guys in his social circle, business contacts, and doing lots of research he’s come up with a great book: “Ditching Mr. Wrong: How to End a Bad Relationship and Find Mr. Right.” Nicholas is a self-made millionaire with a direct, no-nonsense speaking style, and a simple, analytic approach to finding your perfect partner. Join Nicholas and me as we talk about how to screen out all those Mr. Wrongs. Our conversation includes developing a “dating litmus test”, recognizing some of the profiles of various Mr. Wrongs, the pitfalls of big differences in age, attitude and habits, and what to do if you find yourself “stuck” with Mr. Wrong. And, don’t miss Nicholas’ great advice for you use with your current dating partner.
Announcer: This program is brought to you by PersonalLifeMedia.com.
This program is intended for mature audiences only.
Chip August: Welcome to Sex, Love and Intimacy. I’m your host, Chip August, and today on the show we are going to be talking about how to end a bad relationship and how to find a good relationship.
We are talking with Nicholas Aretakis. Nicholas is quite an interesting guy. He lived the life of a successful, high-tech executive and a single man of means until he was 42, when he met and married his Ms. Right.
He has dual degrees in mathematics and electrical engineering but he now uses all that analytic ability to help women save time and heartbreak by learning skills for identifying prospective husbands and skills to get out of relationships with Mr. Wrong.
His latest book is titled “Ditching Mr. Wrong: How to End a Bad Relationship and Find Mr. Right.”
It turns out that after Nicholas settled down, he kind of was left with this question: Why do so many great girls settle for men who aren’t right for them?
So, he began talking to women and thinking about this and researching and that’s kind of the heart of this book.
Nicholas Aretakis: The concern that I have and the advice I provide was significantly younger and significantly older, is that with a significantly younger man, I’m not so sure that a guy matures as fast as a woman romantically.
As far as an older gentleman, quite often, you know, women are attracted to a man that really has his act together, a guy that’s, you know, well maintained and a guy that’s, you know, professionally and financially secure, and she sees that stability as a real attraction, especially if she’s a woman that maybe is struggling to make ends meet on her own.
I tried to develop these tools that can apply some analytical reasoning to, you know, emotions of the heart. I provide a hot prospect background check, which is something for a minimum standard that women can actually review and see if this guy is worth spending the time with early in the courtship.
And then I get into more comprehensive tests, the dating litmus test which is 25 comprehensive questions and if the guy doesn’t come out with good scores and you’ve been dating him for, you know, approximately ten dates to three months, then I think it’s time to move on.
If you take a woman today ,and I provide a timetable that it takes to land a man, and, I say, that at six months to even find the right person and then another six months to several years to have a productive relationship. And then it’s six months to a year to plan and reserve a spot for a wedding and then it’s a year or two of marriage just to be sure if there’s a good fit. And then, you know, one to three years or more to actually start a family.
Chip August: Welcome to the show Nicholas Aretakis.
Nicholas Aretakis: Thank you, Chip.
Chip August: Let’s get right into this, OK?
So, why did you write this, really?
Nicholas Aretakis: Well, there’s several reasons but, first of all, I had noted a trend that a lot of women are delaying marriage and men are delaying it in parallel to that. And, what that’s done is it’s compressed the amount of time when a woman can actually go out and find a lifelong partner and have the option of starting a family of her own.
I witnessed this when I made the transition from being a serial dater myself and a long and eligible bachelor into my early 40s and you could say that I crossed to the other side of the fence and I started taking a sympathetic position towards the plight that many women face, which was confronted by the many of the single women that my friend, my wife and I associated with.
Chip August: Yeah, so you meet women, basically, you hear there stories about kind of the bad relationships they’ve been in and the reasons why they want to put it off and you kind of start to look into this. Yeah?
Nicholas Aretakis: Yeah. And there were also a handful of guys that I ran with when I was single, you know, the guys you’d go to happy hours with and play ball with on weekends. And I started noticing that a lot of these guys weren’t really treating women all that well. And I think my perspective changed significantly when, first of all, when I became involved very seriously with my wife. Then taken another notch when I became single and certainly in order of magnitude greater when I had my first two children that are both girls.
Chip August: Ah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. have a daughter and you really starting to think about how men treat women, huh?
Nicholas Aretakis: Yes you do.
Chip August: Yeah. So tell me, were you Mr. Wrong?
Nicholas Aretakis: No, I think I just wasn’t, you know, and what I say in the book is I probably just wasn’t ‘the guy’ for a lot of women. And, you know, one of the differences that I try and parallel myself with is that I think that, you know, if you ran into most of the women that I dated over the years, they’d say I was probably a good, I just wasn’t the right guy for them.
And, you know, I think several others would probably say, he just wasn’t ready to settle down at the time. And that’s one of the things I get into early in the book is the timetable to land a guy. And there’s got to be a delicate intersection of several components before a guy’s ready to settle down.
Chip August: Like what?
Nicholas Aretakis: Well, one of the things is that he’s mature enough certainly. He’s established in his career. Often, he has to be in a position where he’s financially prepared to not only look after himself and be able to purchase a home, but be able to support the prospects of a significant other and potentially, you know, some children.
Chip August: So, OK, I get a little, little flags going off here, a little bell going off for me. The complaint I hear most from men is that all women are really interested in is their career, their portfolio, how much money they make. And it seems like you are saying, “yup, that’s true , so you better have your career set because you’re Mr. Wrong unless you…unless you can afford to support someone.”
Is that what you’re saying?
Nicholas Aretakis: In a roundabout way, Chip. Look at it from this perspective, is that, you know, a woman and, you know, more and more young adults, are going to college. I think the numbers are somewhere around 3,000,000 college graduates every year. And also, young adults are staying home longer, I think it’s almost 50% of young adults stay, you know, with their families until they’re 24 years old.
Chip August: Wow.
Nicholas Aretakis: So what happens is, is that, you know, you get these young adults, many of them going off to graduate school, some of them pursuing their careers immediately, and they get out in the job world and, for women, they start working, they start establishing a career and some how a bell goes off in their mind when they get to be in their late 20s and possibly early 30s and they say, you know, “I haven’t met a guy yet that is, you know, that’s a potential for a long-term partner, someone that potentially could be a husband and then I could start to raise a family with.”
And when they start to look for that potential guy, they realize that they’re going to need to take some form of a break from their own career. So that’s why it’s much more critical for a woman to see in a potential significant other someone that actually can support them and maintain at least the same standard of living, if not better, as she considers that for herself by placing her own career on hold as well as potentially for her children.
Chip August: Yeah so, so basically, your book is really an exercise. I mean, when I was reading it, you’re really saying to women, in a way, be disciplined about this. Look, you know, you’re kind of interviewing a guy for a lifetime position. Be disciplined about this. That’s seems to be the message.
Nicholas Aretakis: Yeah, I think it’s a little, even a little further than that, Chip. It’s telling them that you need to do your due diligence that, you know, many women will place greater emphasis and do more detailed research on purchasing a home or finding a new job or where to live than finding a significant other and a partner for life.
Chip August: Yeah, isn’t it funny? We leave…we think so much about finding a partner is chemistry, when other big decisions in our life clearly involve research.
Nicholas Aretakis: That’s correct.
Chip August: Yeah. So, you, I notice you’ve got some…you have some sort of pet peeves, I don’t know, I don’t know who to describe it better. Like, for instance, I noticed that you seem pretty unsure about big age differences; that you don’t seem to like the idea of…or you think it’s kind of risky that women might date men who are much older than them or much younger than them.
Can you talk a little bit about that?
Nicholas Aretakis: Yes. It’s tough to really quantify that seeing as I found my Ms. Right with a ten year age differential. And I’d say that, you know, during my single days when I was dating, I often found that, you know, most of the women I dated were between five and ten years younger than me and it seemed to be a good compatibility.
The concern that I have and the advice that I provide with significantly younger and significantly older, is I’ll take them one at a time, because they’re really…
Chip August: Absolutely
Nicholas Aretakis:…different metrics. Is that with a significantly younger man is that I’m not so sure that a guy matures as fast as a woman romantically and I think that, you know, you need to heed the warning signs that, if a guy is significantly younger than you and you have, you know, long term aspirations that he may not. And I give some tips in there for some of the things to consider.
And, as far as an older gentleman, you know, quite often, you know, women are attracted to a man that really has his act together, a guy that’s, you know, well maintained, a guy that’s, you know, professionally and financially secure. And she sees that stability as a real attraction, especially if she’s a woman that maybe is struggling to make ends meet on her own.
And the concern that I have is that, although you may be happy and compatible today, is you have to take a look down the road and project into the future and understand that some of those compatibilities are still going to be there.
You know, for instance, do you bring your significant other home to meet the parents and find that your parents have more in common with your significant other maybe than you thought you did?
Another factor maybe is his health going to degrade significantly ahead of yours and are you going to end up being a nursemaid for a good portion of your lives together?
And I don’t pass any judgment saying that this guy is definitely not for you. I say just think about that. Think about it early, think about the future, think a few steps ahead. And, if you can process all that and understand there’s going to be certain compromises and the love and compassion are still there, then I think, at least, you’re making an informed decision instead of jumping into something a little too quickly.
Chip August: Which kind of bring me to, I mean, I think that your…your definition of what makes Mr. Right, Mr. Right is that this going to last a lifetime. That, you know, great, there are some great relationships that might last ten years or something, but you’re trying to help people find a lifetime partner, you know?
Nicholas Aretakis: I’m trying to help women find a lifetime partner, someone, again, that could potentially be a suitable mate forever, even though you’re fighting. You know, divorce statistics, if you bring marriage into play, somewhere between 40 and 50% in this country, which recently has actually been trending down a little bit, which is positive news, but I’m trying to also provide more happy and healthy relationships which produce happier and healthier children as a result.
Chip August. Yeah. Look, we all want to talk a lot more about this, but I want to take a break. So, listeners, we’re about to take a break and I just want to remind you that you can get a free book from Audible, you can save 20% on Ice.com jewelry and more by listening to some of these ads and also by going to the PersonalLifeMedia.com pages and check out the links on my episode pages.
We are…you are listening to Nicholas Aretakis. We’re talking about ditching Mr. Wrong and finding Mr. Right and we’ll be right back.
Chip August: Welcome back to Sex, Love and Intimacy. I’m your host, Chip August. We’re talking to Nicholas Aretakis. We’re talking about his book, “Ditching Mr. Wrong: How to End a Bad Relationship and Find Mr. Right.” And, before we left, we were talking a little bit about, you know, what a good relationship is and how long they should last.
I notice you don’t exactly buy into this idea that opposites attract.
Nicholas Aretakis: No, I think there needs to be a certain amount of compatibility and I think also there’s certain things that each partner brings to the party that ,that can be renewed interest in the relationship. So, having some opposing views or having some time away from each other, I think is healthy. But I don’t think that complete opposites attract.
Chip August: Right, right. So, so what you see, I guess, that down the road all that opposition becomes oppositional.
Nicholas Aretakis: Yeah, take for example, Chip, that you have, you know, a young woman who is athletic and active and a variety of sports and likes the outdoors and you have a guy who’s sedentary and likes to stay in and watch, you know, TV all day long. I think those two individuals are going to find the incompatibility is going to cause conflict in the future and they’re going to be spending less quality time together and, as a result, their relationship may fade.
Chip August: Yeah. Now, I thought it was really interesting, you…a big chunk of the book is 20 different profiles of Mr. Wrongs. And, in it, boy, you’re…I have to say, as a guy, you’re pretty merciless. But, I didn’t disagree, but when I recognized a lot of those guys went “oh, foof, ah, you kind of nailed it.” So let’s talk about some of these Mr. Wrong profiles. OK?
I noticed one of the ones that kind of caught my eye is, you called him The Mooch, you know. Can we talk about The Mooch for a moment here? What’s a mooch?
Nicholas Aretakis: Well, now, I have to just backtrack a little bit, Chip. You have to be a little gentle with me because I lost a lot of my best friends when I published this book.
Chip August: I’ll bet. I’ll bet. Well, you know, I have to say…OK, I’m married, I’ve got two kids, I think I’m actually Mr. Right for my Ms. Right, you know. We definitely have a strong, loving, beautiful relationship, and I counsel couples all the time. And so, I have to say, I’m looking, I’m reading these things and there’s some of these couples that I counsel and I just want to hand the man your book and just say, “do you recognize you here?” You know?
Nicholas Aretakis: And I think there’s the converse is also true. There’s a lot of Ms. Wrongs out there.
Chip August: Oh, yeah.
Nicholas Aretakis: And I think guys could take my book and they could just reverse a lot of the subject matter and come up with the same conclusion. But, the bottom line is what I tell guys that I give the book to is, I say, you know, if you’re comfortable in your own skin and you’re comfortable in your own relationship and how you treat your significant other, you’re going to enjoy this book.
And, I think for the guys that are not, they’re going…they’re going to find criticism in the book. And, you know, one thing I want to point out, I’m going to get back to your question…
Chip August: Yeah, yeah, that’s OK
Nicholas Aretakis: …about The Mooch, but, you know, the last profile ‘Mr. Non-Committal,” was me.
Chip August: Ah, OK.
Nicholas Aretakis: You know, no secret about that I turned the pen and pointed it clearly at myself and that, you know, I was just not a good candidate for Mr. Right for a long time because I was so ambitious in my career and jetsetting around the world and, after having early established relationships, I really became, you know, adverse to even considering a strong relationship, you know, when I was a younger guy.
So, getting to your question about The Mooch, you know, The Mooch is the guy out there that gets in a relationship and he may or may not be a guy of means, he just may be a guy that likes to keep his money in his pocket. He’s the guy that will go out on a date often with, you know, a significant other or a gal that he’s even casually dating and say, “whoops, I forgot my wallet this time. Do you mind paying?” And he’s a guy clearly taking advantage of the financial contributions that his date is contributing.
Chip August: And, you think women let men take advantage of them because, why?
Nicholas Aretakis: Well, I think sometimes women they enjoy that affection, they, you know, some women may even enjoy the power of having some control. Some may have an inferiority complex that they may think that the guy, if she doesn’t contribute more than her share, the guy may not come back around. So there’s a lot of different reasons and, you know, many of them are personalized that I can’t even convey. But I think, you know, women are going to have to find out if the guy is generally interested in them and not taking advantage of them.
The last thing someone wants to do is to go work a 40, 50, 60 hour work week, you know, pay their own bills and then have to go and, you know, pay the bills and help sustain the life and the standard of living of The Mooch.
Chip August: Yeah, I hear that. I hear that.
Now, I notice you were also pretty, you know, there’s a staple of Hollywood film which is sort of the mystery man, you know, the shady, shadowy character who appears and disappears, you know, and it’s very James Bond-y and very romantic, but people are happy with the mystery man, huh?
Nicholas Aretakis: Well, there’s some, you know, there’s some tips that I give on the mystery man. And, actually, the mystery man is one of the guys I mentioned earlier that actually was in my circle of friends when I was a serial dater myself. And he was a charming and good looking and fun guy, and I created the profile around him because there seemed to be more questions than answers. And, you know, as more women got involved in their relationship and it seemingly was in the realm of maturing, they actually found out that there was less they understood about this guy.
So, there’s some snippets of information to give and, you know, if you seem to have, you know, more things that concern you about a guy the longer you get in a relationship well, you know, that spells that there’s a problem. If the guy is someone that doesn’t have a lot of friends, you know, either from childhood or from, you know, their college background or from work or in their recent proximity, that’s another flag and that’s a concern. So, I try to provide at the end of each profile, you know, five or six bullet points of a reason to stay with this guy that there is potential or a reason to be more critical and you may want to consider moving on because there’s some large concerns.
Chip August: So this brings me to, you know, there are so many couples that have been sort of just drifting along for two or three years and, you know, and then they’re really not sure they’re with the right, you know, there’s things they like, there’s things they don’t like. It’s better than it is worse, so they stay together, but it doesn’t really move anywhere. How can you really tell when you’re with the right person?
Nicholas Aretakis: Well, a lot of it is intuitive, but what I’ve tried to do and as, you know, a former engineer and mathematician by education and being in a high-tech field, but also by being involved within a personal skills and being an executive of worldwide sales for several very large semiconductor companies, I tried to develop these tools that can apply some analytical reasoning to, you know, emotions of the heart, which are clearly, sometimes irrational.
And I provide a hot prospect background check which is something for a minimum standard that women can actually review and see if this guy is worth spending the time with early in a courtship. And then I get into more comprehensive tests, the dating litmus test, which is 25 comprehensive questions. And, if the guy doesn’t come out with good scores and you’ve been dating him for, you know, approximately ten dates to three months, then, I think it’s time to move on.
And there’s a real critical reason for some of the rationale that I provide and that is, if you take a woman today and, let’s just pick an age and say somewhere around 25 is a good time for a woman maybe to start considering looking for a significant other, especially if she has aspirations for marriage and potentially children.
I provide a timetable that it takes to land a man. And, I think it’s a conservative timetable and I say that it’s six months to three years to even find the right person until you’re dating stable and then another six months to several years to have a productive relationship. And then, if you do consider going the next step and getting married, it’s six months to a year to plan and reserve a spot for a wedding. And then it’s a year or two of marriage to be sure there’s a good fit and enjoy the newlywed status and then, you know, one to three years or more to actually start a family. And those are just biological realities.
So, if you just take this very conservatively, it’s five to seven years from a woman really is ready to look for a significant other and settle down that she will find someone. And the worry that I have is that if a woman starts, you know, later, you know, in her late 20s or early 30s and she goes through this process, far down the road twice before she realizes she’s with a bad candidate, she may take herself out of her, you know, her biologically reproductive years. And that’s a large concern.
Chip August: Yeah. yeah.
We need to take another break. You’re listening to Sex, Love and Intimacy. I’m your host, Chip August. We’re talking to Nicholas Aretakis about ditching Mr. Wrong and finding Mr. Right.
As we go to break, I just want to thank my audience here. Thank you for helping me grow. We’re getting bigger and bigger each month. If you know somebody who you think might like the show, would you please send them a link, let them know?
And, I just remind you we have transcripts of every show. If you go on to my episode page at PersonalLifeMedia.com, you’ll find that there’s a complete transcript of each show. You might want to cut and paste a copy and forward them to people. Often, you hear something that’s really profound and powerful and you may want to just keep a copy of it for yourself. So, please, take a look at the transcripts on our episode page and please forward Sex, Love and Intimacy to a friend.
We’ll be right back.
Chip August: Welcome back. You’re listening to Sex, Love and Intimacy. I’m your host, Chip August. We’re talking to Nicholas Aretakis. He’s the author of “Ditching Mr. Wrong: How to Find…How to End a Bad Relationship and Find Mr. Right.”
I’m, so, I’m kind of curious. So, you’re in a relationship and you’ve decided he’s Mr. Wrong, he’s one of those 20 archetypes. He’s…it’s clearly not going anywhere. What’s your advice on breaking up with Mr. Wrong?
Nicholas Aretakis: Well, we give some really useful tools and we call it “Getting Rid of Mr. Wrong in Ten Easy Steps.” And, if you like, I can accelerate through the executive summary of each of those.
Chip August: That would be great.
Nicholas Aretakis: So, Step 1, is to be positive. You know, you probably had some good times and some bad and just, you know, take it with a grain of salt.
Step 2 is set a timeline for exiting.
Step 3 is end the physical connection. You know, the fact that you’ve made, you know, a mental departure don’t confuse it by, you know, having sexual relations.
Step 4 is don’t flaunt the new guy if a new comes into the picture.
Step 5 is don’t bad talk him.
Step 6 is agree on property.
Step 7 is agree on the division of assets. You know what you brought into the relationship, you should be able to take out or what you paid for is fairly yours.
Step 8 is end privileges. So, if you, if the guy has a nice house that you moved into and you’ve been swimming in his pool and you move out, well, the pool privileges have ended.
And, Step 9 is avoid attorneys. Lawyer fees can range from $150 to $350 an hour, billable in quarter hour increments, so you don’t want to get stuck in that maze.
And Step 10 is forgive yourself. You want to feel good about the positive contributions you made to a relationship with a significant other and you want to carry that forward and be positive about the next relationship you pursue.
Chip August: And that next relationship…so what’s, you know, like I listen to people say, well, you know, they’re on there third or fourth to have their type and their type is basically a shark, you know, their type isn’t good for them. How do you get confidence to start again? What do you…what do you do? What’s the…?
Nicholas Aretakis: So we make some recommendations of…and we call it the “Eligible Bachelorette Checklist.”
Chip August: Um, hmm.
Nicholas Aretakis: And, you know, some things to, you know, make yourself more presentable and be a little bit more open minded to meeting people. And I think it’s overall these are just some ways you can become a better candidate to attract a suitable mate. You know, current affairs, keep up with what’s going on, you know, in a time like now is, you know, political election or even major sports highlights and other worldwide affairs.
I think making yourself a little bit more culturally affluent is a good. I think showing good character, having your act together is something. You know, when you make a schedule to meet a guy some place, not flaking out. You know, guys make a mental note of this and, you know, they apply what I would constitute as a flake factor. If you flake out a couple of times too many, you may fall down his list of priorities.
Physical fitness, I think, taking care of you, not letting yourself go. Domesticity, you know, taking care of your household. The last thing a guy likes is when he gets invited to your house the first time and you look like a slob. It’s a real turnoff.
Having computer literacy, you know, if he’s text messaging you or emailing you, the fact that you can respond in a timely manner, it shows an interest and shows competence.
Having a social life and not becoming a 100% dependent on him right away.
Having conflict resolution skills, so if you’re not going to agree on every subject, but you can be agreeable.
And then, again, if there’s potential for a long-term relationship, you know, what’s your position on children? Make sure there’s compatibility on that.
Chip August: Yeah.
Nicholas Aretakis: Those are some, you know, there’s a significant amount of other tips on there, but that’s, you know, probably the first 15 of them.
Chip August: Yeah. All the things you should have done in the first place, right?
Nicolas Aretakis: Right.
Chip August: If people wanted to get your book or wanted to know more about you or wanted to take some of these tests and things, can you give some information? How can people be in touch with you?
Nicholas Aretakis: Yeah. First of all, they can go to the website and its www.ditchingmrwrong.com. And there’s no period after the mister, it’s ditchingmrwrong.com.
You can go to your local bookstore and request it. I know that the major bricks and mortar, Barnes & Noble and Borders and Amazon carry the book, so you can ask for it by the name, Ditching…the title, “Ditching Mr. Wrong,” or by my name, Nicholas Aretakis.
And you can also go to our website and there’s some free, downloadable tools you can get from the tools tab and you can get part one of three on a PDF format. It’s just free, downloadable and see if it intrigues and, you know, if it’s something of interest for you to pursue in its entirety.
Chip August: I also want to remind our listeners that on my episode pages, there’ll be a link when you find this episode, just look for the link to Nicholas Aretakis’ site, Ditching Mr. Wrong.
And, also, a reminder that there’s all kinds of cool things at the PersonalLifeMedia.com site, you might want to go and check it out.
And if you want to send feedback to me, comments, criticisms, information, suggestions for our guests, you can reach me at [email protected]. That’s all one word, PersonalLifeMedia.com.
Or, if you want to call with comments and suggestions, just call (206) 350-5333. Leave your name, leave my show name, Sex, Love and Intimacy, and leave your question or comment. Also, please leave us your phone number and/or an email so we can get back in touch with you.
Nicholas, we’re coming to the end of the show and I always like to offer my listeners something that they can do out of my guest’s work, something that they can try at home, something that will improve their life, improve love, intimacy, relationship, sexuality. And you have a, you had a nice section in the book about sort of how to know if you’re dating the right person, you know, I think you called it the “Dating Litmus Test.” And so, I was wondering if you would be willing to share that a little with the listeners?
Nicholas Aretakis: Sure, that’s probably the most compelling part of the book and it’s in Part 1. And this is a comprehensive test and we give instructions on how to take the test and how to reserve some time. But I like to tell people to do is to take the dating litmus test, it’s on pages 38 to 41, in the book and, again, there’s a free version of it. You’ll need a PDL…PDF or Excel on the tools section on the website. But go ahead and take the dating litmus test when you come to it on your significant other and the relationship half. Remember, you’re not grading yourself, you’re grading the relationship and potentially, some of the questions are actually grading your potential partner.
And the guideline is to take this test after you’ve been dating ten dates or three months and have strong consideration of this person being in your lifelong partner.
And then, what I recommend is go through and read the profiles and then find, you know, one or several profiles that map into a little bit of the characteristics of your significant other. And then, after reading through that, and then go back and take the dating litmus test again.
And have some fun with the dating litmus test. You know, give it to someone your girlfriends, have them take it on their husbands of five or ten years and compare. And it’s something that I think you can both enjoy and something that will give you, again, a little bit of, you know, qualifying the relationship and help you separate from the emotional attachment that you have to this boyfriend.
Chip August: Yeah, its, the test is really, has some quite interesting questions. It’s, you know, do you find the person interesting? Do you find them entertaining? Do you miss them when you’ve been apart? Do you trust them when you’re apart? You know? Can they be counted on to make good decisions? Are they supportive emotionally or spiritually? Does he..do you feel like they give more than they take? Do they take more than they give in the relationship? Is it kind of balanced? How does this person deal with anger or frustration? Is he polite? Is he kind? Is he nice? Does he take care of himself? You know, like where is he on kids? Where are you on kids?
Nicholas Aretakis: These are deep character questions.
Chip August: They’re great questions.
Nicholas Aretakis: And the important thing is that, you know, some women may take this test and they may need a score of the relationship of 75 and they might think that that’s OK…
Chip August: Right, that might be enough.
Nicholas Aretakis: …and, you know, some women may score an 85 and think that’s not significant because, you know, they always consider themselves kind of an A-personality and A-student and they expect a relationship that’s going to be valued as an A for the rest of their lives.
So I think it’s really important to read the instructions. I think if the guy in the relationship scores under 70 percentile, I’d say it’s a D or an F grade, I think it’s pretty easy and my advice would be to move along and go directly to the end of the book on how to get, you know, rid of Mr. Wrong in ten easy steps.
And I think if a guy scores in the 80s and 90 percentiles, I think he’s pretty good. I think there’s some room for improvement as there is for all of us. And 90 and above, I think you’ve got a guy with some strong potential.
If, the trouble, the troubled number is in this 70, you know, 79 percentile…
Chip August: Right.
Nicholas Aretakis: …you know, either a C or a C+ grade and I think you have to think is the relationship young enough and, you know, are both of you young enough that you can make some changes. If the guy and you are older, you know, well into your 30s or beyond, you’re probably not going to make a lot of changes. so the question is, do you want to be in a relationship that would be regarded as a C the rest of your life?
Chip August: Yeah. Yeah, is good enough good enough?
Nicholas Aretakis: Right.
Chip August: You know, that’s a great question.
Nicholas, you’ve been a great guest. I really appreciate you taking the time to talk to us and to enlighten us about your book. Thanks for being on the show.
Nicholas Aretakis: Chip, thank you very much and I hope your audience enjoys the website and the book and feel free to contact me directly with any questions.
Chip August: Thank you so much.
You’ve been listening to Sex, Love and Intimacy. I’m your host, Chip August. Thanks for listening in and I hope you’ll join us again for our next show.