Episode 61 - Carla Tara: Wisdom from a Tantric Tango Dancer
Carla Tara is a powerful, internationally acclaimed Tantra teacher, relationship counselor, Love Coach and Intimacy Guide. Born in a small Italian village high in the Alps, Carla has turned her remarkable life journey into a collection of lessons and wisdom and, now, a book: “Lessons From A Tantric Tango Dancer.” Join us as we talk about relationship communication, the power of breath, healing sexual dysfunction, the illusion of security and so much more. Carla is a passionate and animated advocate of love, with a profound insight into transformation. And don’t miss Carla’s communication exercise for you to try at home.
This program is intended for mature audiences only.
Chip August: Welcome to sex love and intimacy, I’m your host Chip August and today on our show, we are gonna be talking about Tantra and a lot more than Tantra we’re gonna be talking about relationship and love, and how to make relationships last and how to make them grow.
Carla Tara: Yeah I think communication because we all need it, we didn’t grow up in a family where communication was done well perhaps some of them were holding back some of them were yelling and screaming instead of talking, so communication that opens the heart and treats each person as a friend.
Otherwise you feel that you are secure and it is a lie, actually isn’t it more exciting if you don’t know less say the person that you are calling can come to the date tonight on earth. When you are secure, so you are kind of predicting it and the passion of expectation is kind of gone.
Chip August: My guest today is a terrific love coach and intimacy guide. Her name is Carla Tara, she’s an internationally acclaimed teacher of TANTRA, which she calls the art of conscientious sensuous living, I love that. A lifestyle that honors love making at divine communication. Carla’s background is that, she’s a physical therapist and relationship counselor and all that contributes to the strength to be able to work as coach to individuals and couples. She has taught Tantra abroad in the United States and she has hosted Tantra Today on the Voice America Radio Network. In New York, she has taught at Jane International Center, the Inner Life Center, the Suzzie Center, the Learning Annex and the Health Expo and also at the Wantage community. She currently teaches Tantra Workshop at the New York Open Center and at her own Ohana Tantra School in New York and in Maui. And, she has just written a terrific book called “Lessons from a Tantra Tango Dancer”. Welcome to the show Carla…
Carla Tara: Thank you so much for inviting me, I’m so grateful that I have a chance to share with people my insights about life and love and Tantra and everything that interests me and makes me feel very happy.
Chip August: Well I read the book and you definitely have insights to share, so, I was wondering, we talked before but perhaps we could start with the reading from you. And the reading that starts with both Tantra and Tango, right there…
Carla Tara: Oh.. books on Tantra and Tango, Oh, wow I like that passage too. Okey, then I’ll read it for you. Both Tantra and Tango requires discipline and focus and also the pleasure of deep loving connection along the way. We learn to dance to life consciously and to consist when the steps are not smooth as we would like to be. Commitments to the past makes you even clumsy, makes you go to clumsy moments, full of beauty. The key is to keep coming back to awareness, to in awareness of the “now”. To stay present and aware even in difficult times. A mind that can be focused in a meditative sense is a mind that’s enlightened. Some people maybe sitting for hours, hours at a time to achieve this and be focused. I choose Tantra and Tango in my path, because my – is not inclined to sitting and meditation, I like meditations, emotions and I’m sure you can find the path for you. The dance that turns you on while you polish the divine diamonds that you are. So I really feel touched, I almost have difficulty reading it because I’m going to feel the emotions that I felt when I wrote it. And I think that that’s the best that I could say with words to explain how much Tantra touched me and changed my life, from a very restricted environment where I grew in. Very old fashioned and sex negative. So, you know, Tantra brought me to the other side, to the complete different side, to the side of the 21st century, where you are on the verge of discovery most of the time. I’m living in the constant discovery of life. That’s what it is right now for me.
Chip August: Let’s talk a little bit about that background, you in the book, you really are quite revealing about your childhood and your relationships with your family, and your breaks with your family, could you just sort of give me a little...
Carla Tara: Yeah, I grew up in a very ignorance family, they didn’t know how to love and also my mother believed in very old Catholicism saying that touching yourself is a sin and that if you touch yourselves you put nails in Christ’s body, that kind of thing. Really horrible, and as a little girl, I had a difficult time choosing between my own sexual energy coming out and choosing you know to put nails in Christ’s body, you know, it’s horrible.. Anyway, uhm, my was nature so I went out a lot. I touch the flowers as I was speaking to the cows the kind of thing I really grow up in the Alps, in the mountains high, in Italy. And uhm, but then you know, when I was thirteen, my brother was their pasturing the cows, my brother was eighteen and probably we press like hell, Tim and abused me sexually, in other words. I’ve been home crying, I told my mother about it and she didn’t hear it. She just dropped the house open like stuff like that doesn’t happen in my family and there was no support for me from nowhere so I left the house, and I ended up in Germany. You know in a family full of books where I could really study and I started seeing a book on Tantra and that’s the more or less what’s happening. But when I started to heal myself from the pain of abuse and being abandoned in a way and having to run away from home, uhm, when I did that. I was feeling that psychotherapy didn’t help me enough. So I wanted, I was knowing the difficult, I was knowing how painful it was, but I didn’t actually moved the pain that was there, until Tantra. So Tantra goes beyond, talking to touching, to connecting to going deep into the other person’s soul. And when I started doing Tantra, I realized that uhm, I could forgive my mother, I want to really understand her and see why she did that and I spend ten days with her. Practically just listening to her asking her how it was it in her childhood and in about two days I found out, why she was afraid of God, her father, she was afraid of her father, I understood everything about her. And then I keep a mirror in back to hear what I heard her say, then she goes wow, you really understand me, I was just using communication skills that I’ve learned. You know, she could never had the chance to learn. And so she opened up more and more and then I felt that it’s by her truth remind her of that day, where I told her that I was abused, and I described the scene, I described everything, when I come back and I told her, Did you remember mom?, and her eyes open, and she started crying, and then she just ask, I’m sorry…
Chip August: Wow, what a gift,..
Carla Tara: Yeah, and in but before she even told me, to very very important, importantly she told me you know, when you were born when you were conceived uhm, your father had just come from fixing some wine from the priest you know he never drink anything, so he was been so relaxed and she enjoyed sex for the first time. And so she felt guilty that, you know, a child means, when she was pregnant, when she was having fun and she was afraid that I was a child of the devil.
Chip August: Wow,..
Carla Tara: Yeah, that, and when I said that, Why did you believed that, and she said, yeah, you know when you were born you had big eyes and no flesh on your cheeks and skinny you know like, you looked like the devil,. Yeah, and it was like our dull moment was just so sad for her, coz I know already that I am a Goddess. She can believe whatever she wants right now, I’m not a child, but to go to the stage of how deeply religion had to convince her that pleasure was devilish, it was incredible. She knew the job I’m doing right now, she’s still alive, I don’t know, She doesn’t have a television so, but who knows, if she found out, I don’t know how she would react to this. She believed the pleasure was of the devil. And I believe the pleasure, is the greatest gift we given back to the divinity to God. God who gave us beautiful body, to feel the pleasure, to feel the spirit, if your just a spirit without the body, how can you feel making love, touching the skin, you know. So we are actually serving God, Goddess, by having pleasure instead of pain.
Chip August: There’s a quote I like from one of the early popes who said, “God was not ashamed to create, we should not be ashamed to celebrate”
Carla Tara: Exactly, this is wonderful, so this is my passion, and I were. And specially to see that some people still will believe that they are not corresponding to reality and their not aware of it. They believe it so deeply, they think that’s the reality and when they come to me, you know, like couples come to me sometimes because they are almost splitting up they wait until the last moment and they want their marriage resurrected.
And I say yes, we can do it, you know if you want we can do it, you need to learn a completely different way of communicating, than you used to. And you need to take time to hold hands looking to each other’s side while you’re talking to each other. And when you feel angry, you can take the other’s hand and say, ”I’m sorry I’m angry, I want to disconnect for a moment, deal with my anger and I’ll come out and connect again”. That’s how you can take care of all the garbage that you put under the rug during the marriage because you didn’t want to deal with it. Let’s take a look at it. And having the skills to, you know, tell a couple of friends, when she’s talking, let her finish unless she goes on and on and then make a signal with your hand that you want to tell her back what you heard so far because it’s becoming too much for you to remember. So say okey, so far I heard this. You know and it’s very wonderful, the woman in this case, telling him something important, goes yeah, yeah, I told you that ends I forgot to tell you that until the picture is complete, whereas if you just listen you know to the end of the story, half your way you were just tuning out, uhm, then she is not really heard, she doesn’t feel understood and he was sitting there looking at her but he didn’t interrupt when it was too much for him to handle. So I start teaching them stuff like that, and they do it. Of course, they were afraid, Nobody wants to start. Usually the woman starts, because she’s less afraid of her emotions than men, usually. So once she goes, and she’s sending whatever she has in her mind to say uhm, he says thank you so much for letting me know that part of you now, Im so happy. My love can be bigger now for you, coz I know more of you. And so… that she’ll ask him, How do you feel having heard of that, having heard all of this. And then he tells her, I feel perfectly right, you saw or you can say, well I saw it this way.. Then she’s hearing him. It’s a really beautiful way of respecting each other and to get to know, what’s going on inside, without having to descend.
Chip August: I love what you’re saying and I want to take a pause here for a moment and give a chance for our supporters and sponsors, so our sponsors can support as. We’re gonna take a break and your listening to sex love and intimacy. I’m your host Chip August and I’m talking to Carla. Carla, who is a love coach and intimacy guide and a Tantra teacher. As we go for a break I just want to remind you that many of the advertisers of this program offer deals, offer special offers too of my listeners, so please go to the website, go to the personallifemedia.com and look at my episode pages, sex love and intimacy and you’ll find some ads their and if they ask for a promo code well you might wanna try the word LOVE. Or if your looking at the Tantra chair ad you might wanna try the promo code FREE, and their gonna be lots of good deals for you. So please pay attention to our sponsors on and go check out the deals in our episode pages and we’re gonna be right back.
Chip August: Were back, your listening to Sex, Love and Intimacy, I’m your host Chip August, and were talking to Carla Tara who’s a Love Coach and Intimacy Guide and a Tantra teacher and the author of “Lessons from a Tantra Tango Dancer”. Uhm, when we went to the break we were talking about couples and communication and I wanna stand out a little bit because the book deals quite a bit about relationships and about what kind about goes wrong and what kind about goes well in and I was really caught by some of the phrases that you wrote. A thing that I see in your books that I immediately sent to my wife. You said “Love means, letting go of the Illusion of Security”
Carla Tara: Oh Yeah,. So..
Chip August: That’s a big thought. I thought in a way that the reason I choose my wife when we get married is to grab on to the illusion of security and not to let go of it…
Carla Tara: that’s right, aha, aha, wow,
Chip August: So why do I need to let go of it.
Carla Tara: Otherwise you feel that you are secure, and it is a lie. Actually isn’t it more exciting if you don’t know say that the person that you are calling can come for a date tonight on earth. When you are secure, then you are kind of predicting it, then the passion of expectations is kind of gone, right, so this is very important and also when you go home you get to know a different wife you know, because she went through another day and who knows what she has learned that day making You know I am not talking to you Chip because you have probably already do this you teach the stuff, but many people do not talk to each other after the first year. They think there out, no more to talk. We are talked out.
Chip August: My wife and I often noticed how many couples at restaurants are setting the beautiful restaurant, the beautiful surrounding with lots of great food around them and their not saying a word to each other. There not even looking at each other. And I said, Oh my God, how a sad way to live.
Carla Tara: How sad it is, exactly. Whereas, you remember when you were out for the first date, you would not even look at the person coming saying what you want, you were looking to each other’s side. You went talking and talking and talking. So the person bringing you the food takes two or three times before you could order. You were talking too much. Now she was there, staring at each other without around with no intimacy is like close. Really close off to each other.
Chip August: So first, I think security is a kind of superstition. I don’t actually really believe that we are secured. I have never met a human of that alive.
Carla Tara: So letting go of that, and letting go of the expectations together, they go together. And don’t expect.
Chip August: But I get a little confused coz you know in the same paragraph you, in the same book, you have a great line you said, you have to learn to trust who you dance with and the display between I have to give up security but I also have to trust
Carla Tara: Well I didn’t say how you live the whole life together, dance with. Dance the dance fully as if you were to dance forever but at the end of the dance you just say goodbye and say hello, you know what I mean, it’s done, the dance is finished, the moment is finished,
Chip August: So it’s something about trusting the moment. It’s not about predicting the future. It’s more about really being fully present in the moment and in the spirit.
Carla Tara: Yeah, so you got it, I couldn’t explain it more, one of my difficulties in the English language is once I say that I found the word say then I don’t want to explore it…
Chip August: Well I read the books quickly, but I have to say, I think you have expressed yourself quite well so listeners as your listening to this offer be a little modest, there are a lot of gems in this book. So were talking about relationship, you do a whole lot about relationship and breathing. How about breath and relationship?
Carla Tara: So perhaps the audience will know, when you meet somebody and their holding their dress and closing their mouth and their stiffening out their shoulders, they’re holding their breath. They are afraid of being seen or connecting with you. So once they take a breath and they relax, you know the mouth opens a little bit and the heart opens a little bit. Your breathing down in your belly. Your breathing is kind of relaxing and you have to go down and practically caress sex gender. So the whole body is involved in the breathing. Not just the top of the lungs and you lift your shoulders to breath, it’s the whole mechanism of breathing, sex emotions, the diaphragm is pushing the belly down the diaphragm pushes down towards the sex center caressing it. So when you talk to a lover, you talk from whole body, not from the head, from the neck up for the whole body and you know that sometimes what you feel deeply in your heart is not what your thinking. So tantra is a breath the surrendering breath, the relaxing breath. You just have to integrate the knowledge of its energy center, the belly, the power, the love, the heart, the heart center the center which is the communication center all of them kind of anatomy of transformation understanding what they want to say and then they say something that the whole body means. And that’s breathing, that’s conscious breathing. When you do conscious breathing you’re connecting on your tracking levels.
Chip August: And If I think, If I read what you’re saying correctly it’s a sort of a inner shallow breathing, we actually create separation.
Carla Tara: Yes, you said it very well, in the shallow breathing we create separation, yeah, that’s right.
Chip August: And so I noticed that you before we even get the communications tool this is what instructs me is that you were really advocating that there’s a place to breath with each other and just drop in to sort of our deepest into our general into our belly and from that place, even the thoughts we have in the moment before will change.
Carla Tara: Absolutely, yeah, yeah. It’s an upscamy, the upscamy of love and breath. I would suggest that the body, the physical reality that is more dense form of energy and the dress is a much more refined form of energy so much so you can really grab it. You know you gonna separate it, you see that, when your breathing your not separate, when your breathing consciously your one. So when you are a lover and you touch the person that you love, the heart center is involved. The heart is sending energy through the arm into your palm into your finger and before even their hand touches them, they’re already flooded with love from your intention of the heart sending it down. And so that’s really what we are. Even if you’re not touching, you were just looking to each other’s side you can really touch really feel just through the look.
Chip August: Further, you often talk about experiencing sexual dysfunction that is actually maybe one of the things to unlock that
Carla Tara: Wow, you read that, too good for you, I mean end of the book and nobody’s reading it, I’m glad you did. The sexual dysfunctions come because you know the person having sex and a premature ejaculation as a one example figuring out what to do, you know how can I make her cum, instead of see invite him in slow she wants to go to that orgasm, right? But making love with a computer with the hands thinking instead of making love with the whole body, yeah,. So when, you’re breathing consciously you practically know how a woman in that moment wants to be touched. Not how she wants to be touched yesterday might be completely different. We are in different stage, different time, so even you remember exactly what to go to get her off, forget it. Make believe you don’t know it, find out, see what the energy is taking you. That’s what I’m saying. Then the dysfunction’s disappear. Because when you take in the energy of the woman, even if you don’t have enough and you deal is not just your head its the whole body.
Chip August: Then I noticed you added about the whole piece of that the deeper you go into the truth, the more that you’re willing to express what you’re thinking and feeling, the higher you go in to ecstasy.
Carla Tara: Absolutely, you can imagine it, when a tree has big roots it also has high branches, you know the branches can only go as deep as the roots go. So if you leave your body to go into ecstasy, that’s fun, enjoy it, but then you have to come back to the body you need to transform to stay in this place. You need to grow to roots The power of staying your body no matter of a touch through anything dramatic exclusion about anything, I can accept it, now let me see do something about it. Okey. But first you need to accept what is here before you can do something about it. Otherwise you do something about it and might be something even worse. Taking a moment to accept the bulb of the light that’s giving us out there and not our how we’re dealing with them, yeah. That’s definitely to, and the more you open up deeply. So if you hold grudges for instance, that place is taking out by grudge. If you release the grudge, then you just say, I’m really thankful about this. The moment you say that, something opens up. But you don’t say right away, you say it first with a pre humble, say honey I have something to say to you that we’re actually deeper now in love. Once it’s expressed. And I really need you to just listen to it, and not defend against it if you think your involve with it I don’t think. I’m expressing how I feel, and what my interpretation was but if you feel guilty and you want to defend, don’t defend yourself, breath, stay with me, that’s all I want to be heard, Okey? So, isn’t it beautiful?
Chip August: Very beautiful, and I know it was much easier to say than it is to actually do. We have to practice.
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Chip August: Welcome back to Sex, Love and Intimacy. I’m your host Chip August, we’re talking to Carla. She’s a love coach and intimacy guide, Tantra Teacher and she has a recent book called “Lessons from a Tantra Tango Dancer” were talking about everything here. I wanna, One thing I wanna touch on before we left, you use the image of Eve, from Adam and Eve as kind of a metaphor for innocence, for knowledge, so can you talk a little bit about Eve and who Eve is to you.
Carla Tara: Yeah, I just wanted to do something different from the interpretation of the church that Eve was a bad person she was the temptress, you know. I see Eve is a very exciting person because she wanted to know the whole of life. Nonsense but God wanted her to see. The good, the smiles and all the perfectness. Eve eat this food because you will be part of the knowledge also of good and evil. And she probably said, okey, I just want to know that, and it’s part of who I was really when I grew up because my mother wanted me to become to go to the cumbent when I was 6 years old. Go to cumbent while you are still innocent you know, God loves innocent, She was afraid that once I develop my sexuality, I was turning in to a devil, you know. See that’s why I rebel, and I said no, I don’t want to go, I want to experience life, slow I identify if that part of evil is preferable. No I want to know. Even if he did that. I came to this life to experience all of life, not just white shade you know. I want the colors to be dark and white also both, you know, not just one little grey, or just white.
Chip August: I noticed the quality of your books is not about really defying God, it’s more about trying to find the God within.
Carla Tara: Once she sees that there is a good and evil, what she does is God I’m going to use this knowledge to go deep into myself and to find who I am. And then she finds the quality, the qualities that I describe here in my book. The quality of curiosity, the quality of forgiveness, the quality of love, of passion, all the qualities and are what makes her a complete person coz at the end of the book you see how all of these brings to a balance between male and female inside of us. The male that wants to explore all the time. The female that wants to be just there, like the ocean flowing always there in the same place but the boys keep moving. The ocean’s stay where it is, and uhm, all of that Eve finally found her completion, she was no longer rebel, she move towards with them and then balance.
Chip August: I can talk to you all day but we are running out of time so, if people want to get one of your book or they wanted to do a workshop with you or they want to learn more about you, how can they do that?
Carla Tara: Uhm, they can come into my website and its www.1tantra.com, the one is number 1, so 1tantra.com 1 being in number form and I have everything there. I have workshops, the private sections, they can sign up they can read my articles, they’re free, There are lots of beautiful clarifying articles, questions and answers. I’m going to come up actually with the book on the Ocean Breath and e-book and also a video on keeping yourselves Healthy and Vibrant, in just 24 minutes a day of exercise using spiraling exercises they are incredible. I haven’t done the video yet but it’s ready, as soon as I have the money to do it, yeah. So I’m constantly creating, I really love this part of my life where uhm, I said to myself, I’m not afraid of what people think of who I am, I wanted them to see who I am, and to see everything not hide anything from all of them.
Chip August: Just terrific, I always leave my listeners with something they can do at home and exercise they can do at home , if you get this book, I think every chapter ended with exercises, from me, a behaviourist, I wanna put it into behavior, that’s how I really learn. So for me that was a really good thing. And for you listeners also. Anyway Carla how about an exercise or lessons that our listeners can try at home.
Carla Tara: Yeah I think listening communication because we all need it, we didn’t grew up in a family where communication done well, perhaps some of them were holding back some of them were just yelling and screaming instead of talking. So, communication that opens the heart and treats each person as a friend. So uhm, let’s see, this exercise you are doing now can help you deal with conflict and share manners of common concern in a positive way before they escalate into major problems. So let’s say one person is person A and the second person is person B. Okey, it doesn’t matter if it just the man or the woman presenting what they need, just neutral part person A. Do it something I would like to tell you so I can deepen my love for you, says person A. Don’t be afraid, I’m not going to leave you, this is why we are sitting down to talk and person B, please tell me, then Person A, I have been avoiding sex because I’m feeling redemptful about some of your behavior and I wanted to punish you. B takes the breath because that a very powerful statement and feels she wants to deepen my love, their love for each other. Lend me or make being angry she wants to punish me. So A is a smart man and he takes a breath and he says, thank you for telling me that, is there more you want to tell me? A, yes, I just realize that I’m punishing myself as well, and I’m no longer wanting to do that. I would feel that you consider my feelings if you call me when you know you will be late for dinner for him to consider her feelings. When he’s going to come home late for dinner and give him a call say honey I have to work overtime I’ll be home two hours later, please eat if your hungry. That’s common courtesy she feels neglected if he doesn’t so now he knows. Next time he’s going to remember. And that’s how they will feel the relationship he will say, I will do that. A: How do you feel knowing that I wanted to punish you, she wants to know and he says, I feel happy you told me, I notice you were avoiding making love with me. Because I could not imagine the reason for it. Now that you have told me, I feel relieved.
You have made a decision to tell me give you what makes you feel loved. I feel how this honest game works. May I invite you to tell me if something is bothering you as soon as you notice, and she says yeah. .. Feels beautiful?
Chip August: Yeah, it’s beautiful,
Carla Tara: Yeah, It’s amazing because then, they remain there, not only did she admit that she was feeling angry she was feeling redemptful when you heard it so she knew just wanted to deepen the love takes a deep breath. Move beyond wanting to react from it and stays with the heart open to continue to the conversation with her and then at the end, she’s so happy that she accepted that she’s asking how do you feel that you heard that are there feeling of sadness that I wanted to punish you or anything and that was beautiful but then it gives you an opportunity to go deeper into yourselves. What about uhm, if there was something left over then you would say, what can I do and she would say, What can I do now to assure you that I love you and I want to deepen my love to you and I’m sure I will find something right away.
Chip August: Well, I wanna thank you for being a guest I just wanna know about the exercise those who listen to it’s some kind of familiar, I wanna say that this is also in the tradition of work by Marshan Rosenberg and
Carla Tara: Yeah
Chip August: Communication in the little of tradition in the of what’s called active listening sometimes reflected listening and uhm, the reason that’s there’s so many version about this kind of thing that this is just an extra ordinary exercise An extra ordinary way to communicate. Particularly feelings that we have some energy on.
Chip August: Uhm, Carla thank you so much for making time and your delightful interview and I really appreciate you being on the show.
Carla Tara: I really appreciate how you interviewed me in the presence of your spirit, and how much you really are into relationships on helping people and I feel it from you the people are hearing you are really lucky yeah, I mean it. Thank You
Chip August: And thank you listeners, this brings us to the end of our show. I really appreciate your support, and please listen in again for our next show.