Episode 10 - How to Last Longer with Ian Denchasy
How to "Last Longer": Podcast Interview with Ian Denchasy
Announcer: This program is intended for mature audiences only.
Dr. Lori Buckley: Hi, welcome. This is Dr. Lori Buckley and you are listening to ‘On the Minds of Men’. Today, I am very excited. We have Ian Denchasy, the husband and co-owner of freddyandeddy, the husband of Alicia, Denchasy who we interviewed last week and talked about sex toys. Today, we’re going to be talking about how to last longer in the bedroom and that’s an important topic. I get a lot of questions about this, so decided to spend a whole show dedicated just to this subject.
Ian Denchasy: Well, if the male has been in this pattern for 20-30 years, its even harder to break at that point and so the longer they’ve been together, you would think a male would become a better lover, a more patient lover but they can actually be opposite. He can actually become a worse lover over time.
We may go 3, 4, 5, 7 days without me coming, without me ejaculating because we want to draw it out and by doing that that’s training me to last longer because now I am lasting days.
Dr. Lori Buckley: Well then when it hits that 7th day or 8th day and it’s time to have sex, do you just explode, and we need to let you know listeners, women don’t want to have intercourse for hours. We’d like to make love for hours and have sex for hours but intercourse for hours, first of all it’s not natural and it really is not an enjoyable thing.
Ian Denchasy: We consider making love a process, intercourse is a physical act and so we would like to focus more on the process than the physical act.
Dr. Lori Buckley: Let’s introduce Ian, here he is. Welcome.
Ian Denchasy: Thank you very much. Glad to be here.
Dr. Lori Buckley: I am so glad to have you here too. So I have a few questions for you. I guess what I want to know is how common do you think this problem is?
Ian Denchasy: Probably about 60% of the people that walk through our door in our shop, ask about that very thing.
Dr. Lori Buckley: Well, now are those 60% men, women or both?
Ian Denchasy: It’s both. It’s very very common actually in our shop for the women to come in and ask that question.
Dr. Lori Buckley: So they want to know what they can do to help their partners last longer?
Ian Denchasy: Yeah, as people get into relationships, women tend to wait a little longer but they then start thinking isn’t there more to this? Couldn’t it last longer? I don’t think that my needs are being properly met in this situation and so is there anything you can do to maybe get my husband to or partner, a boyfriend to last a little longer and fulfill me a little better?
Dr. Lori Buckley: So the question is, what do you say to them?
Ian Denchasy: First thing I tell them is ignore all the advertising and supplements and things like that because I think that’s probably the worst route to go and so what our first piece of advice is simply slow down. Why don’t you stop focusing so much on the end result and more on the process of sex and that means that when you wake up in the morning, it starts then with the ‘I love you’ and the kiss and really focus on doing so many other things besides intercourse and draw out the process of sexual intercourse to make it, just slow down the process completely and that by nature of doing that will make it last longer.
Dr. Lori Buckley: Well that seems to make really good common sense, right, but what kind of things can they do? I mean if they are used to, cutting to the chaste so to speak, and intercourse is their focus, what kind of ideas do you have to give them to expand that sexual pleasure?
Ian Denchasy: Well, I don’t want to get too deep pardon upon, about the male psyche but you have to keep in mind that most men are kind of selfish by nature and we’re very focused on for a lack of a better term, evolutionary process which is we want to spread our seed and we want to do it as many times and as quickly as possible because for millions of years, that’s kind of how the species propagated.
So what you’re really trying to do is re-train males away from their natural tendency which is to cum. I mean that’s really what’s it’s all about for us when we’re between 9 and 11 years old, we start jacking off like crazy and we’re jacking off four or five or six times a day because that’s what we’re driven to do. We’re driven to ejaculate.
So for that entire time we are more focused on coming than pleasing. So we’re focused on pleasing ourselves and so when we engage finally with intercourse with a woman, we’re focused on coming because that’s the ultimate pleasure.
We want that and so to slow that down is kind of going against our natural tendencies and so we need to re-train our brains. We need to go through a whole process ourselves by which we take the emphasis off that particular result that we understand that coming and orgasm can actually be two different things that our partner is an important part of this process, that we have to please and we just have to kind of work on it a lot and there are several ways to do that which I can expand upon but the main thing is to fight millions of years of training and change our way of making love.
Dr. Lori Buckley: So the big problem is evolutionary, it’s innate and coming is just instinctive and inhabit, the combination of the two. As we know, habits are hard to break but I think it also changes when someone is in their 20s, coming is still probably the most important thing but I do believe and tell me if you agree with me on this that men in their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond, they really are more about pleasuring themselves but also their partners and so that I think is their main motivator to say, hey, I want to be able to last longer in bed at night and not come quite so quickly. Would you agree that that emphasis changes at some time in their life?
Ian Denchasy: Well I partially agree with that but I get males and females coming in all the time who even in their 50s and 60s, he is coming too quickly and that’s because the behavior pattern is never changed even though they might have been together 30 or 40 years, there’s a pattern there and the male has never actually broken that pattern nor has the female communicated to him in all that time that she wants the pattern broken.
Well everybody reaches a point in their life where they have to kind of question the past and you’ll get a woman coming in who may have talked to her friends, she may have listened to your podcast, she may have been out on the internet and discovered there’s a whole world of sex out there that she hasn’t really explored and he hasn’t really been connected to and all of a sudden there’s questions and curiosities and this then comes up, well if the male has been in this pattern for 20-30 years, its even harder to break at that point.
So the longer they’ve been together, you would think a male would become a better lover, a more patient lover but it can actually be opposite. He can actually become a worse lover over time.
Dr. Lori Buckley: Yeah, I agree with you. I think you’re saying the same thing. So the pattern doesn’t change and actually I think it exacerbates the problem because when he gets older, the desire is there to last longer whether its because his partner wants him to or he wants himself too and then that creates anxiety. So then he has anxiety about the coming early and wanting to last longer and that really can exacerbate the problem.
So let’s get into, because I know our listeners really want to hear what are some things that they can actually do about this?
Ian Denchasy: Well one of the best ways to learn to last longer that we suggest is kind of a tantric way of going about things which is to get more connected to your lover apart from the sexuality. In other words, to get in sync breathing together, to become more of a lover, of a giver of pleasure.
In other words, in all ways, massage, kisses, phone calls, emails, all of these things that go around sexuality to get you more aware and more focused on your partner. You want to be focused on her and so by doing that you’re sort of altering your mind to take the emphasis off you and your needs and put them more on her needs and when you do that, you start to back away from that sense of urgency that you need to come, that all men have got to get in there and that feeling’s overwhelming you and you speed up and their heart quickens, the whole physiological process goes and then you’ve kind of lost yourself in it and you can almost not control yourself at that point.
So we try to tell people is to get yourself off of, as a matter of fact my wife and I is an example. We may go 3, 4, 5, 7 days without me coming, without me ejaculating because we want to draw it out and by doing that that’s training me to last longer because now I am lasting days even though we may be engaged in lots of sexual activity, I am forcing myself not to cum.
Dr. Lori Buckley: Now during that time period, do you masturbate and ejaculate?
Ian Denchasy: No, I don’t.
Dr. Lori Buckley: So its no ejaculation for that amount of time. My question then is, I am sure our listeners are wondering the same thing, well then when it hits that 7th day or 8th day and its time to have sex, do you just explode?
Ian Denchasy: Well, when I decide to explode, I explode sure but I am not going to explode till I have decided, that we both decided together through our actions in love making that that’s the result we want together. It’s not a matter of me exploding. It’s not a matter of my wants, it’s a matter of our wants. Does she want that to happen? Do I want that to happen, and there maybe a lack of sync in that respect.
Dr. Lori Buckley: Well, it sounds like you have total control. Now I see a lot of men and hear from a lot of men who, they really want what you have, they want to be able to control that and they really don’t feel that they can. So what I have been getting from you so far is, one thing is just take the emphasis off of intercourse, take the emphasis off of coming, learn new patterns by restraining yourself or restricting that from happening and also just slowing down, taking that time for the tantra and the connection outside of the bedroom and in the bedroom, in the breathing, which I think is all really great.
What else can a man do to really gain that kind of control that you talk about?
Ian Denchasy: Well, there’s a lot of practical ways that he can do it. One thing that we recommend is yes that he masturbate and try to train himself to not ejaculate when he masturbates, to bring himself to certain peaks and then back himself off, and through prolonged practice and he can usually gain some measure of control and of course your hand or your masturbation sleeves lot of different than a beautiful woman or a sweet, juicy vagina but these are practical steps you can take.
I mean you can even graduate for masturbation to having your partner masturbate you or she can even perform Phalatio on you and she can back off before you come because usually the woman can tell when you’re about to release so she could then back off if you’re about to release and take you down from there.
In other words, if you’re going to come, she can back off and then focus on maybe kissing around the genital area and not providing so much friction.
Dr. Lori Buckley: We’re going to have to take a quick break but when we get back, Ian is going to tell us more about how to gain more control over ejaculation, how to last longer in bed and he is also going to discuss some toys and some things that we can add to help us in that direction. So right now we’re going to take a break. This is Dr. Lori. You’re listening to ‘On the Minds of Men’.
Okay, we’re back and you’re listening to ‘On the Minds of Men’. We were talking about how to last longer, how to have more control in bed and Ian was telling us some things that we can do. So what other ideas do you have for our listeners out there?
Ian Denchasy: Well, can I say one thing that I would like them not to do?
Dr. Lori Buckley: Absolutely.
Ian Denchasy: One of the things that we get a lot of questions on are desensitizing creams and supplements, pills and things like that to help you last longer because you hear all of these advertisements on the radio and I would just like to say that that I don’t recommend. I think that desensitizing creams, by the way which if you put them on and get inside the vagina, they desensitize the vagina as well. So you’re not just affecting yourself, you’re affecting your partner.
If you’re going to do something to desensitize like that, put a condom on it, that’s probably the best thing to do because that will put a layer between you and your lover, that will desensitize the area automatically and also the constriction of the end of the condom will work like a cock ring that I’ll talk about a little bit later but I highly recommend, you don’t want to put these things in your body and they’re not regulated by the way, by the FDA.
So they can just call them supplements and vitamins because that’s a very unregulated industry. So you don’t really know what you’re getting, you don’t know where they’re really coming from. There was a case with a product called ‘Nasutra’ that was supposed to make you last longer, that ended up containing Viagra, that came from China but because they had no standards down there, no one caught it until very late.
So I would just like to warn against that but as far as lasting longer I think we covered quite a bit of good things and now I guess we’ll go into some toys.
Dr. Lori Buckley: Yeah, and I just want to just completely reinforce what you’re saying. Yeah, we have to be so careful about what we put on our bodies and we’re all looking for the quick fix and it’s ubiquitous, the odds that we see on our computer and everywhere about lasting longer, bigger penises and all of this and on that note I think a lot of men who think and I think this is important to mention, would think that they have an early ejaculation problem. They may not but because they have all of these messages ‘Oh make love for hours’.
We need to let you know listeners, women don’t want to have intercourse for hours. We’d like to make love for hours and have sex for hours but intercourse for hours, first of all it’s not natural and it really is not an enjoyable thing.
Ian Denchasy: I would really like to pick up on that because in addition to what you just said, a lot of male conceptions about sex come from porn films and where young woman is being pounded on by a guy with a giant penis, just what seems like hours and hours and we’ve really found that remember, they are pornstars being paid to have sex. It’s a fantasy, it’s not something that 99% of most woman want.
So really, as you said Dr. Buckley, they want to make love for hours which for us, starts with my wife coming up behind me and teasing me while I am doing the dishes, that’s part of making love, not me pounding on her with her legs spread for an eternity.
Dr. Lori Buckley: And Alicia last week, she had mentioned that you doing the dishes is also part of making love.
Ian Denchasy: Yeah, well I am the kind of husband, yeah, my friends laugh at me and stuff but I laugh back with a really stable hot marriage. I love doing the dishes and I take care of the kid and I clean the house because she just doesn’t do it as well as I do, and all of that is part of it. When we wake up, we start making love when we wake up and look at each other first time in the morning and it goes throughout the day and whether it ends up in intercourse is different. That’s we consider making love a process, intercourse is a physical act and so we would like to focus more in the process than the physical act.
Dr. Lori Buckley: And I think that is great words and great advice for our listeners to hear because there’s so much more to sex than intercourse and when they hear making love or having sex, people automatically think intercourse. We know that’s just an automatic response and so one of my main missions in having this podcast obviously is to inform and this is a really important piece, sex is so much more, the process, I like the way you said that. It’s the process, it’s not necessarily an act.
Ian Denchasy: Well remember, if you’re going to get married to somebody and you really wanted to last a lifetime, as my wife and I do, we’re relatively new to marriage, only 19 years together, but we want this to last a lifetime and intimacy is an important part of getting to old age together and being happy, not just being two couch potatoes watching TV in our separate rooms.
We want to have a loving relationship all the way through our senior years and so that means that basically what we’re saying is you should make love your entire relationship, your entire relationship is one episode of making love and so if you’re not aware of that, if you’re not prepared to fully commit to that purpose, then your odds of making it to your senior years together greatly reduce.
Dr. Lori Buckley: Its fabulous, yeah, that’s lovely and certainly something to aspire to. You’ve been at always so easy but certainly something to aspire to. Okay, as I promised, Ian is going to tell us about some products or toys that we can use in the bedroom and I can believe this is something for women that you can maybe bring into the bedroom and certainly for men that they can use as well and get on their own.
Ian Denchasy: Well, unfortunately in the product market, the products for women are greatly outnumbered those for us by about 1000:1. There are vibrators in every different shape, style and size, color but for men there aren’t that many things out there. However, in the terms of lasting longer and enhancing our own performance, there are a couple of things that I should mention.
The first is our masturbation sleeves which kind of mimic the vagina and in a lot of cases are even tighter than most vaginas. So if you get a masturbation sleeve, one of the most popular ones, it’s called the ‘Fleshlight’ and you use some good lube, you can use the masturbation sleeve to really kind of test your boundaries and train yourself to last a little longer.
In other words, by varying the speed, the pressure and training your mind to back off when you feel that urge to come overtaking you. You can use the sleeve, it’s a lot better than your hand in some cases because it is closer to what you’ll feel with a woman.
Another great product is cock rings, we’re very big on those. They’re coming every material shape, size but the ones that we like the best are made out of metal and the most common or stretchy silicon rings and so what you do is you trim down the area and the stretchy cock ring you put behind the balls and over the shaft while you’re soft and when you get hard, the blood comes into the penis but as it enlarges, it’s trapped and doesn’t escape as quickly. So you’ll get a longer, harder erection because it also desensitizes the area slightly by putting pressure.
The only warning I would put on that is imagine putting a rubber band around your finger and how you can’t keep a cock ring on for more than 20 or 30 minutes, a stretchy one that constricts. However, you can use a metal cock ring or hard material cock ring. They come in every metal now. They even come in titanium, and it works the same and you have to measure yourself for it. So what you do is you either take a string or a piece of paper, then you wrap it around the package, again behind the balls and over the shaft right against the body and you take the string and you divide by pie and that will give you your circumference, your measurement and then you can wear my jewellery.
I wear a cock ring almost all the time, almost 24 hours a day. At first I thought it was a gay thing but I was quickly educated by a gay male of how great they could be and so I just like to put on different size ones for different occasions and I’ve got some diamonds put in one of mine that kind of crawl and it’s just a nice little piece of jewellery which again, during intercourse, functions like a stretchy cock ring and will trap the blood in there and allow me to last a little bit longer because now that I am in my 40s, or physiologically our ability to get and stay hard is actually reduced just because of the blood flow is lessened and the capillary start to shrink and so we’re not 18 anymore and like to have a little bit of help in that respect.
Dr. Lori Buckley: Which is a really good point, I mean I see men they’re 50s and 60s and they think that something is wrong with them because they don’t get a spontaneous erection when they see a beautiful woman and we have to educate them. No, things are different. You’re not in your teens anymore. You actually need some friction and stimulation and that’s okay.
Ian Denchasy: Yeah, it’s totally okay and it’s part of getting older. We have to accept certain things but then again, can you go out on a basketball court and run as hard as you could back when you were 18, when you were 15? No, probably not, but with the sports analogy, making love is kind of the same thing.
You may not play as hard but you play smarter and that’s how I look at getting older. I am a smarter lover. I am a more knowledgeable lover, a more patient lover and my favorite saying of telling people is instead of going all night, it takes all night for me. I’d like to make love all night long and the same result is reached actually. Yeah, maybe I can’t last all night but I can take all night.
Dr. Lori Buckley: So what is that result?
Ian Denchasy: A better, happier wife, that’s for sure. My marriage is better, my wife is happier and our intimacy levels are, I never thought I could say this but after our short 19 years together, our sex life is hotter and more fantastic now than when we met and that’s saying something because when we met we were doing it 3-4 times a day and yet I am still that powerfully attracted to her even though I’ve got some extra pounds on me, she’s got a few extra pounds on her, my hairs starting to get gray and a few wrinkles are showing up but she is more beautiful now than she has ever been and because of that I want to be the best lover I possibly can for her.
Dr. Lori Buckley: And you’re living proof that it’s absolutely possible and yet it does, it does takes some effort but it’s not really effort, only something that you enjoy and what I love is how you say that, it’s a short time together, the 19 years, I mean that just says right there that obviously this is a…of loving, satisfying, happy relationship because a lot of people would think, “Oh 19 years, you know it’s so long”, and I can really feel your sincerity that no, this isn’t long at all and we know how time is so relative to how much joy we’re experiencing in it, right?
Ian Denchasy: Well, if there’s, I’ve got to say it’s been the happiest 19 years of my life and if there’s one thing I get sad about some times, it’s that I’ve blinked in 19 years is gone by and that’s kind of sad for me because I just wanted to go on forever but nothing’s forever and so that’s why I am going to make the most of what I have now and that’s why every day I wake up and I think to myself how can I please her more and I don’t mean that sexually. I mean that in all ways.
I mean how can I make her life better because that’s what makes my life better, and can I get up and make her breakfast. How can I help her when she is stressing out about certain things like we’ve got a situation where her mother has Parkinson’s disease and is going to some things but it’s up to me to step in and support her through all that and help her make good decisions that benefit everybody involved.
It’s about stepping out of me and stepping it to us and that’s when I met her, that is what I did. I said I am making a conscious decision that my life is no longer about me and I tell you, if people could do that, if more people could just really and sincerely and truly do that, make that decision, the benefits are untold. Its infinite, its unbelievable. So that’s all the advice I could give in that respect.
Dr. Lori Buckley: Well I don’t think that there’s any better advice that you could give, you know cock rings and vibrators aside, I mean that is right there, it’s so rich. What’s so great about it is what you’re saying about the time, it’s relative to what we’re talking about, about lasting longer when we can enjoy the journey and really appreciate all of the moments that we have with our partner and when we’re making love to really just relish that, that pleasure that we feel and embracing that love and intimacy.
It’s really important and being the best partner that we can and so it’s not about you but certainly there is a benefit where your partner, when you’re the best partner that you could be, not only do you feel better that who you are as a person, who you are as a man but you have a very happy life, a happy partner and therefore, she is at that point, going to be the best partner that she can be and you have a very strong nurturing relationship.
Ian Denchasy: I think that people need to understand that when you get married, what that means? I think that we’ve lost a lot as a society of what does it mean to turn yourself over to this person, to really dedicate yourself, and it’s unfortunate because yeah, you’re right, I mean look, I own a sex shop with my wife. I’ve got access to every toy on planet earth and yet that its insignificant compared to you know, like last night we were sitting around just kind of decompressing from a very long weekend of basketball tournaments and things with our son and seeing movies and friends and yet we were just sitting on the couch and just laying there, kind of in a glow of each other and we weren’t banging each other, we weren’t having sex but we were making love. We were just enjoying that time together and realizing that there’s no other place we’d rather be and so the philosophy that we bring into our shop is kind of the same thing.
When you walk through the door I am not in a rush to sell you anything. I don’t really want that to be the focus. The important thing is that you came here together and that shows a commitment on your part that intimacy is an important part of your relationship or that you want to do something about it to make it better and so for us, that’s what this journey is all about for us.
Owning the sex shop is actually our journey to having a better intimate side to exploring more together. It’s our vehicle and everybody has their own vehicle whether it be your bicycling together, you’re going, traveling the world or you’re just gardening in a garden or your thing is decorating. As long as you realize that that is done in conjunction with each other than that’s what makes a healthy relationship and that’s what results in a strong sex life.
Ian Denchasy: Such great, great advice and what’s so nice is you live it. You are just as a great example of integrity and you live what you speak and it’s apparent in your relationship and your store is fabulous and I just encourage all of you in this in the LA area or if not, to come out here and visit the store because it is really a unique, warm, friendly, welcoming place and you can get that information on the website.
Ian, thank you so much, just really really good information and I hope you men are really listening out there. This is good stuff and you can get the transcripts of this show if you want to hear it or you want to email me or you want to find out more about freddyandeddy, you can go to freddyandeddy.com or you can go to [email protected]. I look forward to hearing your questions and your comments and thank you Ian again.
Ian Denchasy: It was my pleasure.
Dr. Lori Buckley: And I am sure we’ll be speaking soon and you are listening to ‘On the Minds of Men’. Thank you so much for listening. I appreciate you taking the time out. This is your host Dr. Lori Buckley. Bye bye.
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