Episode 120: John Santangelo on Getting What You Want Anytime from Anyone Part 1 of 2
In this two part series, Susan and John deconstruct NLP (neuro linguistic programming) and review the main tenets of John's training system, Speak Up with Power and Influence.
Learn the basics of NLP, how to build instant rapport with others, how to control your emotional states and why behavioral flexibility puts you in more control.
Listen to the follow on Stress Reduction Guided Visualization and Part 2 of this interview where we get into Hypnotic Language Patterns, NLP for copy-writing and the 5-Step Selling Process.
This two part series is chock full of actionable tips you can use today to get more of what you want anytime, from anyone.
Get the "10 Best Kept Secrets to Influence, Persuade and Seduce Anyone" free at http://speakupwithpower.com and send John an email (speakupwithpower at gmail dot com) to get the bonus Goal Setting Worksheet free for DishyMix listeners.
And if you want to save $100, use promo code DISHY when you buy the Speak Up with Power system.
Susan Bratton: Welcome to Dishy Mix. I’m your host Susan Bratton, and on today’s show you’re going to get to meet one of my favorite people, John James Santangelo. John is a podcaster on the Personal Life Media network, and he has just launched his first book – as you know I like to call them e-books with benefits. It’s called Speak Up With Power and Influence, and it is so germane to you, to us, in our industry, in the media, marketing, advertising, social web, that I wanted you to have an opportunity to not only get to know what John has to say and to learn some great things from him, but there’s so much rich information that I think is so important for us that we’re going to do a two part series. So John is an amazing speaker. He’s an author of course. He leads seminars, and he’s a performance and success coach. And his show on our network is called Sales Magic, and it’s essentially a series of visualizations that help you as a sales person get over your fears and anxieties and what’s blocking you to move forward to become a better sales person. And his product, Speak Up With Power and Influence, is really a combination of goal setting and using language to get what you really want. And John’s going to walk through in this next two part series a lot of information that will help you be more articulate and more successful in your personal and your professional life. And he’s really, to me, he’s a gift to this universe. I hope you enjoy this as much as I do. We’re going to take some real time here to teach you some amazing things. So lets get him on the show and welcome him. Welcome John.
John Santangelo: Welcome Susan.
Susan Bratton: Coming out of the gates strong, my man. I love it.
John Santangelo: It’s good to be here.
Susan Bratton: It’s really fun to do this together. I’m so glad that you wrote Speak Up With Power so I could have you on Dishy Mix.
John Santangelo: Is this the first time that we’ve got to really interview or talk to each other over a medium like this?
Susan Bratton: Yeah. It’s the first time I’ve ever interviewed you, I know that.
John Santangelo: Great!
Susan Bratton: I wouldn’t have forgotten it. So without this being a sales pitch – ‘cause we really don’t want it to be. I really want to give John the opportunity to teach you some things – explain what’s Speak Up With Power is as a system, ‘cause it’s a pretty big system.
John Santangelo: Yes it is. It’s, it really comes from the communication model and LP – neurolinguistic programming – how the brain interprets information and how we communicate that information. And so there’s a lot going on in the brain, how the brain works and the body, and with the other person, someone else’s map or their world and how it fits and how the communication or the message fits with their world so that we’re able to influence, persuade and most importantly, not so much for them but us first. So in that way it’s actually pretty easy. There’s just a couple of different things that we’re going to be talking about over the next half hour, and I think the listeners will get a pretty good idea of really how to do this, and really that’s my, I guess my mission and my purpose in life is… because I’ve attended a lot of workshops and done a lot of seminars and I’ve read a lot of books and listened to a lot of audio CD’s probably like a lot of the listeners, and you always get the what to do, but for me I never really got the how to do it. I’d like walk out of the workshop or read the book and went, “Yeah, that’s great information but now how do I implement it?” And I think with NLP that I’ve found that, for me at least that this is a great process and for a lot of these, the auditory digitals, I always say in NLP, the process of the analytical type people, this works great. And we teach a lot of this in different modalities, lots for the visual people and the auditory people and for the kinesthetic people, so we’ll be talking about that also.
Susan Bratton: So you have in Speak Up With Power, it’s a fully downloadable product and there are e-books and audio lessons. And in the e-books what you really go through is how to understand what your goal is, so there’s a lot of goal setting…
John Santangelo: Yeah.
Susan Bratton: And then the obvious thing is that for the most part if you want to get something, if you want to get anything, you very seldom can completely do it in your own bubble, you need other people to help you.
John Santangelo: Yeah, I think it’s a great, that’s a great question. Zig Ziglar said this one; “You can’t get what you want in life unless you get it, basically get someone else on board first.” And that’s really what it takes; you can’t get anything in life unless you help enough other people get what they want first, and I love that quote. And it really epitomizes kind of how we tune into people, whether it be in our personal relationships, our social relationships, and especially at work. My belief is this; we’re the center of our own universe and we’re kind of selfish human beings in a way, and a lot of people aren’t going to stretch themselves to help other people; some will, most won’t, and it’s up to us, our ability, and that’s really what this system is about is how do we step into somebody else’s world to help them get what they want so that we can then get what we want. That’s a real challenge in anything, especially in a relationship where you’ve got so much emotions involved in that. It’s always, “What’s in it for me”, you know, that radio station, WIIFM.
Susan Bratton: Well and it also seemed like in maybe deconstructing Speak Up With Power and Influence, when I looked at all of the things you were teaching me as I listened to all of the audio and I read through the work book and I did some of the exercises and then I read some of the companion guides, it kind of felt to me like – tell me if I’m missing anything here – it seemed like first you’d have, you know, what do you want, like your goal setting, like lets work on that, but to get that you have to learn how to create repertoire, you have to learn what I would maybe call communications mastery; how you’re speaking, to whom you’re speaking, getting in their world and speaking to them in a way that makes sense to them so that they can more easily support what you’re asking them to do. And then what you were just talking about, controlling those emotional states, like managing your own emotions, your own body, your own self. It’s not just learning power words or it’s not just having people like you. It’s kind of the combination of managing your own emotions, learning to speak in a way that other people can understand what you’re asking for…
John Santangelo: Right.
Susan Bratton: And then having them want to take action because they feel like you get them.
John Santangelo: Yeah.
Susan Bratton: It’s, that’s what repertoire is; “Hey…
John Santangelo: Yeah.
Susan Bratton: this person really gets me and they’re speaking my language. I want to do something for them.” It kind of boils down to that. Did I miss any core piece?
John Santangelo: Actually that’s good segway. Thank you.
Susan Bratton: Alright!
John Santangelo: Over the course of the last, over, well probably 12 years or so that I’ve been doing this work in corporations and with individuals and athletes and CEO’s and actors, I’ve found that there’s just a simple process - and I actually put it into the system, it’s a seven step process – and it really is, boils down to this intention. Setting your goal; what do you want out of this situation or experience with this other person, because it has to be win-win. Second, you’ve got to be able to manage your emotional space. And third, you’ve got to be able to create repertoire, which is the bridge before the communication begins. And then ecology, understanding the behavior of the other person so that you are able to fit the message in their world so that they can understand it. Now the next three, this happens all before we even open our mouth. So it’s so important, like a lot of people, especially sale people understand, “All I need to do is convey my message, get my point across and give them information.” But see, that’s basically the fifth step in my process. The first four are about setting you up before you’ve even begin to communicate, then it’s convey your message for the fifth. And then the sixth thing is overcome obstacles; what are some of the things that have to be negotiated before you even ask for the ingredient - actually ask for agreement, which is the seventh step, you have to ask. And we’re going to be talking that I think in the next episode, the next half hour about the sales process because a lot of what I’ve…
Susan Bratton: Yeah, your five step selling process.
John Santangelo: Yeah, because a lot of people don’t even ask for the sale; they just walk away after delivering the information or the message and expect people are going to go, “Oh my god, I need you. Yes, I need your product”, and that usually never happens.
Susan Bratton: Well I want to, before we get into that kind of dealing with the strong powerful type, the Olympic athletes of communication – because I think you can actually take them to the next level here – but before we get to those people, what about the people who feel like they’re not really able to speak up at work; maybe they’re a little shy in meetings or they have a really pushy aggressive manager who calls all the shots or they’re just not able to either get the resources they want or they feel like they just can somehow convey their needs or they’re shy. What do you do for people like that? Is this system anything good for them?
John Santangelo: I think that’s hit it on the head, is it could be shyness or a lot of time it’s a lack of confidence in themselves. And what I find in working and doing a lot of counseling and coaching with people, it comes down to their self worth. A lot of it emanates from their identity. And if they don’t feel like they’re capable of doing it or they know what to do or their beliefs or values hold them back then they’re not going to do what they think they need to do, which is really communicate, “I need a raise”, “I feel pushed away”, “I feel pressured”, one of the things we talk about, marginalized, whatever that is, and again, words are all relative to the person. So I think a lot of that has to do with confidence, and one of the things we teach in the system is about anchoring, which are, you know, have lobbying conditioning we call it setting triggers for yourself that are, you’re able to bring back emotional states that you’d like to have at any moment. Sometimes a lot of pepel come in to class – I teach, actually going through a six weekend course right now, an LP training certification – and we teach these people how to immediately calm down, they’re relaxed when they need it or to get focused when they need it or to get a curiosity, ‘cause I believe curiosity is a great state to have; you’re open for ideas, and when you’re open for ideas you’re flexible. And the biggest one I think is confidence, and that’s, for me I think it’s confidence with people. I think when you have confidence you’ll attempt anything and you’re not afraid to fail, and one of the presuppositions we have in an LP is there is no failure, there’s only feedback. It’s just an answer to a question you haven’t asked yet. And confidence allows us to do a lot of things that we never thought possible, and so I like to teach people how to build in confidence first before we even go into how to communicate and convey the message.
Susan Bratton: I think you need to explain what setting an anchor is. And a good, one of the things that I noticed in listening to Speak Up With Power was the guided visualization or the hypnosis that you lead, there was one audio file where you had us relax and go down 21 flights of stairs. And then you had us set an anchor at the end of that, right, so that we could recall that state of total relaxation anytime we wanted to. Explain how a person sets an anchor on themselves.
John Santangelo: Well that’s, okay let me back up… Before we do that let me set the frame for that is our ability to do our life, create our future, shape our destiny is based upon one thing: the decisions that we make everyday. Simply the decisions shaped your life; you go left or right, up or down, choose this or that. Your decisions are made through the emotional state your in when you’re making those decisions. Does that make sense?
Susan Bratton: Of course.
John Santangelo: So the emotions control our destiny. So if you could control your emotions, or better said, choose the ones that you’d like to have instead, you’re going to make better decisions which are going to give you a better quality of life, so that’s where we come from at NLP. So we’re able to give these people, these students or the clients that I work with, the ability to bring up any emotional state they’d like to have or change an emotional if you’re frustrated, you’re angry or you’re just, you’re pissed off, to be able to bring up, lets say, a state of confidence or a state of calmness or focus or a state of clarity, whatever that is. So we’ve all, most of us have heard of (unintelligible), when (unintelligible) would feed the dogs and he noticed the dogs would salivate and during the times when the dogs were salivating he rang – we thought it was a bell – it was a tuning fork. And so basically he said, “Well, what happens if I don’t feed them, the dogs the food and I just ring the bell”, the dogs were anchored to that tuning fork and they would salivate. And we have these, what we call anchors or triggers in our environment. Lets say you’re driving your car and you look in your rearview mirror and all the sudden there’s a red light flashing; that’s a trigger. It fires off an emotional state, “Oh my god, I’m getting pulled over.” Or your parents have that tone of voice, that specific way they look at you and talk to you and it immediately fires off an emotional state. Or you’re listening to the radio and you hear your favorite song, it’s like, “Oh”, and it puts you in an emotional state. Those are all triggers. And we can recreate triggers like that in class or in the system, we teach people how to do that, where you’ve got to be able to go back to a time; remember a time when, lets say – we’ll use confidence… Go back to a time when you remember you were totally confident, and fully step into that time and be there now; see what you saw, hear what you heard, feel what you felt. I mean you can literally feel it well up again in your body. And right then when you’re peaking in that emotion, you do some kind of unique movement. Lets say I have people reach across and tug on the other side of their ear or, you know, clasp their hands in a certain way and maybe say a specific word like “Yes” and clap their hands or whatever that is, every, it’s got to be unique for that individual. You don’t want to dilute it; like it can’t be a handshake because people are shaking hands all day and the anchor or trigger will get diluted. So we can set these anchors up on purpose. And that’s the most powerful key; I think that, my belief is that the most powerful tool we can give kids, children, is the ability to control and shape their own emotions from moment to moment, to become more powerful adults.
Susan Bratton: So we get into state, we recall a state, and then we have a certain body movement that’s connected to that state so that if we, you know, if we squeeze our thumb or pull our earlobe or whatever that thing is that we do, I – Tony Robbins, he always has you make your move…
John Santangelo: Right.
Susan Bratton: you know, to get into your life fully ready state before a sales call or whatever…
John Santangelo: Right.
Susan Bratton: ….whatever those things are, you put your body back into this state by making that physical move or recreating that anchor…
John Santangelo: Yes.
Susan Bratton: so that you can approach any situation with more confidence, more calm, more whatever it might be.
John Santangelo: Yes. One of the things that, we simply teach this because – we’re not going to be able to get into the full anchoring process here over this interview – one of the things that I will teach people and I can do it in 30 seconds is whenever you’re feeling an emotion that you don’t want to feel, whatever that feeling would be, change your physiology, change the way you’re sitting, change the way you’re standing, breathe, get some oxygen in your body, go take a walk, whatever that is, because each state of mind or emotion is attached to a specific body language or physiology. So when you get up and move it changes your emotions. Now if you’re in a really deep emotional state – obviously somebody just passed away or you got dumped in a relationship, it’s going to be sticking a little bit more, you’ve got to do something different; you’ve got to use your body, you’ve got to move, you’ve got to breathe. And then from there, once you’re out of that state then you can be more resourceful to bring in more empowering emotions and more empowering states of mind.
Susan Bratton: So you have a lot of exercises in the book, which I love doing…
John Santangelo: Yeah.
Susan Bratton: One of them is called Circle of Excellence, and I always think that this one might be really good for those Olympic athletes of communication to kind of jump right into. Can you briefly describe that process?
John Santangelo: Yeah, it’s one of the most fun and great things I love to teach because it’s so easy for people to do, and it really is, it’s just another anchor. And what it is, I have people stand up and close their eyes and relax – and you can do this if you’re at home, not when you’re driving obviously. If you’re at home just stand up and relax for a moment and imagine a three foot circle out in front of you. And what you want to do is you want to, lets say, bring up an emotion – lets use confidence for a moment because I think people like to use that one – bring up a moment in time, in your past, kind of rewind a videotape and go back to a time when you felt totally confident. Remember that time and step into it in your mind. And when you can, stick all the emotion, just let the emotions step into or flow into that circle out in front of you; just throw into the circle out in front of you. And then clear your mind, and I have them go back to another time, a different time when you felt totally confident. Be there now, step into it, and then let the emotion drop into that circle. And then go back to a third time when you felt completely confident. Rewind the videotape, step into the moment, and when you can, when you have it, drop it into the circle. Now imagine that circle has a certain color for you. And then when you can, when it has all those emotions out and the colors in step into the circle and breathe in all those three situations of confidence, and let that confidence well up from the bottom of your feet to the top of your head, and just feel the confidence well up into your body. And when you do that just go ahead and step back out of the circle and leave all those feelings there. And just remember a moment in time or step out into the future when you will be able to or can use that time, seeing yourself step out into the circle again because that’s circle’s always there because it’s always an imaginary circle anyway. So whenever you need it… Like I use it before I go onstage when I’m talking to five hundred or a thousand people, I’ll imagine that circle right back stage and I’ll step into that circle and I’ll breathe in that confidence and I have other things floating in there also and I just step into it and I feel that confidence and they call my name, I go out there and I feel powerful. So this is a great tool, and you can put any, again, you can put any emotion into that circle at all. It’s a great resource anchor. And if you have some music playing in the background, even better; you bring in more modality.
Susan Bratton: So the more real, the more tangible you can create this circle of excellence and make this circle, the more you have the ability to pop into it and feel those emotions and be in that state.
John Santangelo: Absolutely. I mean, we, you know, it takes us about ten, fifteen minutes to set it up because there’s really a setup in it, I went through it really quickly. But you can do it; the more time you spend listening, what we call listening or bringing back those states of mind and really being in those moments and then putting them in the circle, that’s the power. You’ve got to really fully feel those emotions and drop them into the circle and then leave them there and then remember, you know, how… again, it’s just an imaginary circle, so imagine how big it is, imagine the color, there could be a certain weight to the circle, whatever that is; a certain shape to it, if it’s different, whatever that is for that specific person, there’s a lot going on there. But if you can imagine that and use it over and over again it gets stronger and stronger every time you step into it.
Susan Bratton: I would imagine that it would take many of us fifteen minutes just to think of a time when we felt confident.
John Santangelo: Yeah. It’s so true. You know a lot of people come to class and we do a lot of demos; in fact we’re doing a whole DVD program right now we’re filming, and we’re up in front of class and I have somebody come up and sit in one of the chairs next to me and we’ll go through a question process, “Have you ever felt confident”, and they go, “Sure, I’m sure I have.” Start laughing, “Of course you have.” There’s confidence even getting up in the morning sometimes. Or they’ll say, “I have a really hard time remembering” or “I don’t know” – that’s the best one – “I don’t know. “Well if you did know could your remember a time?” They go, “Oh yeah, sure. So it’s really having, helping the client or the person listening those certain states. And we’ve all had them; just that most people, I can ask “What are some negative states you have”, those are easily recalled.
Susan Bratton: Yeah, that we got a big list of those…
John Santangelo: Yeah, exactly.
Susan Bratton: Hey John, we’re going to go to a break to thank my sponsors because I love them, they let me have fun with you. So we’re with John Santangelo of Speak Up With Power, and I’m your host Susan Bratton and we’re going to thank my sponsors and we’re going to come back and we’re going to talk about creating and building repertoire and we’re going to talk about maps and territories. It’s going to be one of the most key things that John could possibly teach you; it’s the fundamental premise of neurolinguistic programming, NLP, and he’s about to open a big door for you. So stay tuned. We’ll be right back with John Santangelo.
Susan Bratton: We’re back. I’m Susan of course and I’m with John Santangelo, and one of the things that I wanted to tell you before we get back to building repertoire and how you can do a better job of that, is to let you know that John is going to let me give away a free copy of Speak Up With Power to a Dishy Mix fan. And if you don’t already know the drill, what you do is go to dishymixfan.com, that’s my Dishy Mix Face Book page, and just post the reason why you would like to have a free copy of Speak Up With Power. It’s $297 dollars to download all of the audio files yourself; there’s like, I don’t even know, how many files are there John? 20? 40? I listened to so many.
John Santangelo: Yeah, there’s a lot.
Susan Bratton: There’s a lot of great visualization, stress reductions, NLP explanations, all kinds of amazing things. And also if you, you can read the whole workbook but you can also have John explain it all to you, so it’s also this kind of multi mode of learning, which is awesome. But he’s giving me a free copy to give to you; so you just go to dishymixfan.com and post your desire, we’ll select one and give that to you. And for the rest of you instead of $297 you can pay $197 if you use promo code ‘dishy’. So you go to speakupwithpower.com, save a hundred bucks and we’ll give it to you for $197 instead of $297; you can keep the extra hundred bucks and take us out to lunch, right John?
John Santangelo: Yeah that’d be nice.
Susan Bratton: I would like that. Listen, I think we’d be really fun to take to lunch. And I think if we put that out there someone’s going to do it.
John Santangelo: Probably. I’ll give you three months of coaching.
Susan Bratton: There you go. So make sure you try to get the freebie and if you absolutely want to get the deal use promo code ‘dishy’ when you check out. Alright, so I want to go to, I want to make sure everybody can get the freebies. And you have one more thing too, don’t you? You have a goal setting, the goal setting worksheet, you’ve got a special bonus for my listeners, don’t you?
John Santangelo: I do.
Susan Bratton: So this doesn’t come with the product, this is an extra thing?
John Santangelo: This, it’s actually included in the product, so if somebody wants to go to the personal site, which is speakupwithpower.com and sign up for the mini course we’ll also get them the goal setting worksheet and you can also get it through Dishy Mix.
Susan Bratton: Got it. So you get a whole bunch of freebies; you get your ten secrets about how to persuade and influence anyone anytime, and we’ll also give you the goal setting worksheet. Perfect. So we’ll do that; you can get it at Dishy Mix Fan… You know what, just send us email, [email protected], you can go to the Dishy Mix Fan Club. If you want some of these goodies we’ll make sure you get them no matter what, right John?
John Santangelo: Absolutely.
Susan Bratton: Absorutery. So now if you’re not just giving your stuff away for free, how do you create repertoire?
John Santangelo: Hey…
Susan Bratton: That’s one way.
John Santangelo: that’s another good segway.
Susan Bratton: That’s one way.
John Santangelo: Well I think that is the art of influencing communication is the ability to build a bridge to the relationship first. We do a lot of sales trainings, and for you people that are out there Twittering and on Face Book and working with individuals, the relationship is what’s most important. It’s said in the business that 80 percent of all products and services sold are sold because of the relationship created, and so many people come to our courses and we teach them about relationships skills, which really is the art of communication, and from there then you can begin to really influence and persuade or sell people or have people buy. Repertoire is actually really easy because we’re doing it all the time. NLP tells us that, again, if somebody is doing something we can replicate it as a model and there’s just certain recipes for models that are easily replicatable and this is one of them. In 1970 Dr. (unintelligible) discovered that 55 percent of our communication is nonverbal and 38 percent is tonality and 7 percent are only the words. So 93 percent of our communication in building repertoire is nonverbal before we even being to speak. So what we teach them is to modle or match body language, spinal alignment, head tilt. When we talk about tonality it’s about max volume and tone and pitch, and then the words or keywords or what we call predicates, and we can talk about that later, so that when you’re speaking with someone, that the other person feels that you’re, what we call, in synch, on the same page and there’s plenty of clichés we have about that…
Susan Bratton: Yeah, like “you’re speaking my language”.
John Santangelo: “You’re speaking my language.” You just, you get a feeling that they’re with you.
Susan Bratton: “You get me.”
John Santangelo: “You get me”, there you go, there’s another one. Or as other people walk in the room and you look at them and go “Ugh”; you just get a slimy feeling about them. Whereas some people walk in and you just feel, “Wow, I immediately get them.” And so that has to happen first before we really begin to communicate. You’ve got to build in that bridge, you’ve got to build that relationship first. And that, so many times I have worked with sales people and anybody in any business trying to influence somebody, whether it’s writing, or whether it’s direct communication, is once you build the relationship the person then will begin to trust you and then ask for what it is that you do. And we teach, again, sales people, we teach real estate agents right now because real estate agents really need it in this market, and how to build relationship because we’re doing it all the time. We have lifelong friends, we have lifelong relationships built in, because there’s a lot of repertoire going on there. And so if you’re able to teach somebody how to do repertoire, they’re going to go out and better influence their world and better influence the people around them.
Susan Bratton: So tell us a few things that we can do to create better repertoire, create repertoire faster, ‘cause we’re always, you know…
John Santangelo: Yeah.
Susan Bratton: we want to be really fast at this.
John Santangelo: Yup. I mean there’s a myriad of different things that we teach in the book. The first three things I teach, which is simply to do because there’s so many things going on at once, the easiest things to do is match someone’s head tilt, match someone’s spine alignment – at the same time spine alignment and head tilt, whether leaning forward, standing up, leaning to one side, wherever that is – match their gesturing and match their volume. Those are the first three things that people unconsciously will notice.
Susan Bratton: They won’t notice them consciously? If you’re mirroring them to that level, they won’t see it?
John Santangelo: They won’t, we have, like… That’s a great question. I came across an experience where I was speaking with another person and this other gentleman came up and he sticks, literally sticks his finger in my face and he says, “Look, let me tell you something, if you were doing that to me I’d know you were doing that.” And I think I said – this is one of the stories I teach, I say in the manual…
Susan Bratton: Yeah.
John Santangelo: I’m completely relaxed. I got up, I mirror matched is posture, his head tilt, his volume. I stuck my finger almost up against his finger; I said, “Really? So what you’re saying is if I was doing that to you, you would know?” He says, “Yeah, I would. I’m much smarter than that.” And I said, “Okay, well lets find out.” And he goes, “Great”, and he walked away. And the people I was with, they looked at me and they said, “Oh my god, you literally went from completely relaxed to matching everything about him and he just felt that he was right and he walked away.” And there was no confrontation at all because I was inside his head. I was just like him. And the brain and body, the unconscious mind tell us that we’re not going to like someone else that’s like us. When we’re like – one of the things Tony Robbins says is people like each other when they tend to be like each other. So when you step into somebody’s world or somebody’s map like that, they instantly feel, “Hey, I feel comfortable. Uh, I like them. Oh, I trust them.” And that’s the basis of repertoire; that’s all it is. It doesn’t take years to learn, it takes seconds once you get it, once you learn how.
Susan Bratton: So in that moment you were both in his world, ‘cause he was in his world to the point where he didn’t even notice that you were in his world, he just liked you better.
John Santangelo: Exactly, because where was he? He was inside his own head.
Susan Bratton: What about at a company meeting? How do you create repertoire? Lets just say you’re in a group meeting and you just aren’t confident enough to ask for what you want and you’d feel like if you mirrored the boss’s body language, etcetera, everyone else would notice. I mean are these really doable?
John Santangelo: Yeah, and that’s a great question. We go through, in one of the trainings I do a lot of, I work with the Teamsters a lot – in fact I just finished a four day workshop with them a couple weekends ago. Every year we go back and teach them negotiation strategies, and one of the pieces of negotiation is really building repertoire. And one of the things I’ve found that in any negotiation – usually it’s you’re building, creating a contract – nothing happens ‘til the last hour. The negotiation can happen seven days and nothing happens ‘til the last hour because there’s no repertoire in the first six days; you know, everybody’s fighting on each side. So when you’re able to create and build in that repertoire, you’re going to be Superman at the table. Again, if you have the confidence to step out of your comfort zone and mirror and match somebody, in the beginning it is a little bizarre; you’re kind of not being you but you’re being just more of you with them. And so if you’re able to create repertoire with what we call the decision maker – it may not be the CEO, it may be the one that organized the meeting and that really has nothing to do with the overall concept of the company, whatever that is. And so I say match the decision maker, match the leader in the group. You’ll know, that repertoire leader. And if you do that that person will begin to feel comfortable around your group… and kind of, some of these things are kind of covert in a way. Lets say, I’ll give you an example. There’s three people sitting at a table on your team and there’s five people on their team. The other two people on my team, I would have them match the person talking on the other side while I’m talking to that person. And then if one of my team – lets say if it was you – me and the other person would match the other person when you’re talking to them, because it allows them to feel we’re connected, we’re on the same page, they get us. And if we get them we’re going to feel comfortable, we’re going to… That’s, again, that’s just the beginning of communication, but you’ve got to build that bridge first, you’ve got to open that door.
Susan Bratton: So if we’re matching their spine, our head is cocked the way their head is cocked, we’re matching the tone of their voice – if they’re a loud talker, if they’re a low talker – we’re, essentially we’re kind of on their level of speaking – are they fast paced, slow paced, loud, soft, etcetera – if we’re doing those things what’s the next thing we do?
John Santangelo: That is the 93 percent and then the 7 percent is listening to their words, what we call predicates. And everybody has what we call different modalities we speak from – some people are more visual, some people are more auditory and some people are more kinesthetic – you actually listen to somebody’s words, you’ll hear words come out of their mouth if they’re visual people…
Susan Bratton: Yeah, they say, “Oh, I see what you mean”, “Oh, I hear you.”
John Santangelo: “That looks good”…
Susan Bratton: Mm hmm.
John Santangelo: “That looks good”…
Susan Bratton: Yeah.
John Santangelo: “That’ appears to me”, “Show me”…
Susan Bratton: “I feel”… yeah.
John Santangelo: An auditory person may say “That sounds right”, “I’m being heard”, “That resonates.” A kinesthetic person will say, “I feel it”, “I touch it.” Or an AD person, what we call analytical types will have words like, experience, “I understand”, “I think”, “I learn.” So when we begin to match those words with them, step into the representational systems that we call them, you’re able to match really a hundred percent of who they are, and how could they not like you. How could they not feel that you’re on the same page, because that’s everything, that’s everything about them, that’s who they are. And people get the concept, some of the listeners are probably going, “I don’t want to do that. That’s just strange.” Well then, you don’t have to. Then go back to the way you were communicating and not build the bridge and see if that works. Because it all begins with repertoire and it all begins with trust. And the thing is what NLP, what we discovered was this is exactly what people are doing everyday naturally, and all we did was just distill it out into a process, that, “Wow, look at those two people sitting over there” - you can tell when you look across a restaurant if they’re in repertoire or not. You don’t even have to hear them. You can tell if two people are fighting by their body language and maybe just their tonality. So it’s a natural process that we go through; all we’re doing is extracting the recipe of it and teaching other people how to do it on purpose, rather than by accident, which most people do, they don’t even know how to build repertoire. That’s why one of the exercises we teach is, “Okay, go outside and strike up a conversation and build repertoire with somebody, how would you do it?” “Oh, I’d say hi. I’d ask them about what they do”, and I’d say, “Is that going to build repertoire?” Probably not because it’s all unconscious anyway. So these are just simple techniques to build repertoire faster, that’s all, that’s all they’re designed to do.
Susan Bratton: So in Speak Up With Power – and we have to close this episode, but we’re doing a two part series – so one of the things that I wanted to talk to you about is you’ve had us match the tone and the pace and that kind of thing, but you also teach us power, words, hypnotic language patters, actual words that work better or phrases or the way we construct our sentences…
John Santangelo: Yeah.
Susan Bratton: can also get us a deeper level of repertoire and can also help us articulate better to another person that we need something from to get to our goal how to do that better. And in the next episode I also want to deconstruct some of these, the way you wrote some of the questions on your sales page for Speak Up With Power…
John Santangelo: Right.
Susan Bratton: like, “Don’t you want people to listen to your ideas and opinions? Now they’ll feel compelled to pay attention when you do talk.” I want you to deconstruct a sentence like that because there’s some…
John Santangelo: Wow, that was good. Did I write that?
Susan Bratton: You wrote that.
John Santangelo: Wow!
Susan Bratton: There’s some copywriting in here that I think is pretty powerful for us marketers…
John Santangelo: Sure.
Susan Bratton: and for us Twitterers. I mean you could use this in every single thing you do, so I really like that.
John Santangelo: Absolutely.
Susan Bratton: Yeah, that sounds good. So I want to reiterate – first I want to thank you for how far we’ve gotten already; there’s so much in this product that we could never cover it all, but you’ve covered a lot of bases already. Thank you for that.
John Santangelo: Absolutely.
Susan Bratton: And I want to remind you that you can be the winner of a free copy of Speak Up With Power, that’s a $300 dollar product. You just go to dishymixfan.com and John and I will pick our favorite from all of you who post, and I’m getting some – I got a lot of people are posting now. It’s competitive, it better be something good – and we’ll give away a free Speak Up With Power. And if you don’t happen to win and you still want it, we have a hundred dollar discount ‘cause it’s John and Susan and you’re Dishy Mix listeners; you just have to use promo code ‘dishy’, d-i-s-h-y. And what was the other thing? Oh yeah, we have the worksheet, the goal setting worksheet, so you can either just post that on dishymixfan.com and we’ll get one to you, or when you go to Speak Up With Power if you want to get the freebies, there’s a Top Ten Best Kept Secrets To Influence, Persuade and Seduce Anyone; that’s a freebie. If you sign up for that just lets us know and we’ll send you the worksheet. So there’s all kinds of stuff you can get for free or you can get it at a discount or we’ll give it to you. We want to make sure you get that. So thanks for that John.
John Santangelo: Absolutely.
Susan Bratton: So John James Santangelo, thank you for being on Dishy Mix, and I hope that all of you will join us for part two, which is the next part of this series with John where we’re going to get much more into the actual trigger words, power words, copywriting, more about persuasive conversation, which should be really fun.
John Santangelo: Absolutely. Thank you Susan.
Susan Bratton: It is my pleasure. I’m your host Susan Bratton. You’ve listened to Dishy Mix and I hope you listen to part two, and I’ll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.