Episode 94: The Alchemy of Passion (Part Two): Deepening Intimacy with Saida Désilets, Renowned Conscious SexualityTeacher

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Listen in as Dr. Patti returns to talk again to Saida Désilets, renowned teacher of Taoist energy cultivation. In this show, we focus on deepening intimacy. Why does the Taoist system teach alchemy, intimacy, and passion as intertwined? Why is intimacy made up of both the good stuff and the challenges? (Aka…the compost?) How do you transform everything that happens in a relationship into more intimacy? How do couples become more orgasmic? Do men or women take the lead in lovemaking? Hear this leading teacher define key Taoist terms: What is succulence, the feminine principle? What is presence, the male principle? Get some strategic tips on how to begin and end a relationship consciously. Learn more about Saida's exciting projects and world tour! We'll wrap up this show with some beautiful, and inspirational thoughts guaranteed to leave you eager to learn more!

Transcript

Dr. Patti Taylor: Welcome to the Expanded Lovemaking show. I’m your host Dr. Patti Taylor of expandedlovemaking.com, and I teach you how to make exquisite love. This is part two of a two-part series. We are talking today about The Alchemy of Passion, deepening intimacy. So what is intimacy? Can any two people get along? Can we learn to get along over and over again even if we have experienced some ups and downs? What if you’re living a busy and stressed out life, and who isn’t these days? Well there may be hope yet. We’ll discover in this show what Taoist practices we can do to bring more passion back into our lives, whether we’re in a relationship or even single. So I want to welcome back onto our show Saida. So, welcome, welcome, welcome.

Saida Desilets: Hey Patricia. It’s awesome to be back.

Hi Patricia. Good to be back.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Hey, it’s great to have you back. So let me tell you about our guests. I’m just going to go into the brief version because I want you to listen to show number one if at all possible. We have really created a great foundation. So just briefly, Saida Desilets, PhD is the founder of the Desilets Method, author of The Immergence of the Sensual Woman and also CD’s and DVD’s on energy cultivation.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Wow, well that, thank you for putting that all together. How would you put it together from a man’s voice?

--Well she pretty much said it in a nutshell, but it is an important piece to understand that, you know… An old Taoist friend of mine who’s actually not with us anymore, his name was Ron Dianna and he was a great teacher in the Taoist system, and he, the first time I did a workshop on Tao sexuality with him, he walked into the room and he says, he looked around the room and he says, “You know what, you can cultivate as much sexual energy as you want, you can massage your testicles, you can breathe, you can do these practices ‘til the cows come home, but you can still be an asshole”, you know. And it was just a bomb he just dropped, and everyone’s going, “He can’t say that”, you know. I was like, “I like this guy”, straight up I knew I liked this guy, and he just really went into the importance that a man, a person, man or woman needs to cultivate their virtues, cultivate their emotional and the psyche in their emotions and they need to be very aware of the illusions that they, they’re subject to, because sexual energy’s indiscriminate. It will grow whatever is evident and present in the psyche. So if you’ve got a lot of rubbish in your, if you haven’t dealt with a lot of issues around sexuality and around your life in general, raising your sexual energy is just going to increase the negative, as well as the positive, so you can’t just practice sexual energy, practice without some type of understanding where that energy’s going to, what you’re focused on, what your psyche, what your inner messages are telling you, you know, so…Alchemy is when, alchemy occurs when intimacy and polarity come together. Intimacy’s the glue that connects you to yourself, you to your own deepest soul, and it’s the glue that connects you to the, your partner or the relationship. And polarity, the strengthening of the sexual energy just fuels that connection, fuels that transmission that happens between you and God or you and your partner or whatever that is, so, so both pieces are important. And fundamentally in terms of alchemy, we look at primarily the alchemy between fire and water, and fire being the heart and water being the sexual energy. And the balance between those two is the art of what we teach, in the part of the workshops we teach under the title “Alchemy”, we’re discussing the art of alchemy, the art of balancing fire and water within our bodies and within our relationships. And that is, it’s, it is an art. It’s not something we’re born with, it’s not something we’re like, we know from birth. And it gets us to appreciate the sexual, our sexual relationships in alchemical terms, which are much more reliable and usable than getting stuck in the emotional centers or the mind and try to like figure things out mentally. When we understand ourselves in alchemical, on an alchemical level, we have, we are a little bit more empowered to cultivate out this art of lovemaking from a transpersonal point of view, an aspect, a place where we’re not subject to contradictions.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay. So you said that the Taoist compost, the negative and put that into the whole mix, could you tell us more about what you meant when you said that?

Saida Desilets: Absolutely. So the composting process is first of all recognizing our feelings, feel what you’re feeling, and that’s essential. So not just being mental, like, “I think I’m angry”, but really feel the anger, and then you go deeper into it. And behind every feeling there’s a seed, there’s a reason for those feelings. When we discover those feelings and the reasons for those feelings, the composting comes from being responsible. It’s owning it, saying, “I’m angry because I need respect” or “I’m angry…” It’s starting to own that and communicate that first to yourself. Then the, so if you are a conscious single, you’re not in partnership, then you can actually still do this composting intimacy practice, and in fact, it’s essential. And then if you are in relationship, it’s actually a fun activity to do with your partner. It doesn’t sound like fun when you’re angry, but it’s really beautiful when you can be so vulnerable and authentic and just say, “This is what I’m feeling right now. This is what’s most alive right now in my being. And usually there’s an agreement within that kind of conscious relationship to hold space for that. So the composting happens when you own it, you feel it, you own it and then you speak it, and then suddenly it’s okay, it transforms itself. Now there are exercises and different formulas for, like healing sounds and the inner smile, but if you don’t know those things it’s really more just tune in, how are you authentically feeling, and then opening up the throat center, which is actually intimately connected to your sexual center, speaking that creative energy, that creative power without blame or judgment, and see what happens.

---Yeah. It is a powerful, I mean the Sufi’s say, you know, the gateway to the soul is through the wound. You know, and a lot of people get involved with practices and disciplines and all sorts of things that are out there in the spiritual supermarket, you know, that fundamentally they’re only doing it to prevent looking at what their shutters are in the face, they’re actually doing it to escape where they should be actually facing. And a big part of alchemy is a big part of intimacy practices, being able to look dead straight into the eyes of the stuff that you’ve been hiding for ourselves your whole life, and everyone’s got something. It could be different gradients, but everyone’s got a wound, everyone’s got a thing that happened around their sexuality at some stage that caused them to contract or to separate or to sort of disengage from their power. And intimacy’s about being able to look that dead in the eye and take responsibility for that within yourself and to own it and become so familiar with it that it starts to transform. It starts to transform something that takes power away from you into something that actually informs you. And, you know, like in relationships, that’s the biggest benefit within relationships is amongst all the good stuff you can feel in relationships, they’re actually an extremely good platform in which you can really have someone hold space for you to go through the fire. You know, also that if you ever hang out with those things and transform them they should become a life force and they become a liberating affect. So it’s, to me a relationships like almost a spiritual practice on steroids, you know. They do amplify, they do amplify the process of, to me and in my experience, they amplify the process of enlightenment. They truly do. There’s just no escaping, in a conscious relationship there’s no escape, so… So, and the beauty of it is that you’re continuously reminded to face your demons and come to a place of real self-love and self-worth and self-appreciation and see the essence within yourself, and then from that space see the essence in of the other person. And so that, that’s like what Saida’s talking about, it’s the composting process where two people are composting their shit enough, there’s a point at which something starts to grow out of the garden, which is a really beautiful part of the relationship. A lot of people are still used to eating, you know, eating the compost. They’re still usually eating the banana, the thrown away bananas and the cabbage leaves and stuff and the compost, when they realize if they just plow that in they can actually grow something out of that fertile soil, and that’s the beauty that we’re looking for.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, good. Well I would definitely like to get some examples, so… We will be right back. I am Dr. Patti Taylor, and I am talking with Saida Desilets, and you can find out more about her at alchemyofpassion.com. She is visiting with me today on her worldwide tour, she's famous, and it’s great. She stopped by to say and share with all of us. So anyway, please stay with us. We will be right back.

Dr. Patti Taylor: We’re back, and we’re talking with Saida Desilets. And I’d like to find out now, what about how this Alchemy of Passion plays out in the bedroom. Something juicy that our listeners might try or just, what happens when all this composting gets worked out. Are there any practices that people can kind of put to use?

--Sure. Well I’ll talk about this purely on terms of what actually goes on in the bedroom, you know, like in terms of energy and tempo and rhythm and all this sort of stuff. I’m going to talk really, just basic all the nuts and bolts so to speak.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Oh, good.

-- Because by this stage, you know, the people have a deep intimacy, they’ve got a strong connection, they’ve got energy flowing. But the next piece is about how to balance fire and water, so… Often the guy is subject to where his, what we call the orgasmic curve, is has a very strong piece. So a guys orgasmic curve is often very volatile, where it goes up quite fast and it’s very easy to go, like to spill over and go down, so… I don’t know what the statistics now are or who does these statistics, but there’s like, I forget, like, most guys, eight out of ten guys or something, they last five to ten minutes, if that, in the bedroom before they ejaculate, before it’s game over, and a woman usually hasn’t even begun to warm up at that stage, so… So that’s the extreme. That’s more common than not, so… Hence out popularity. So, you know, I really get down to brass knuckles with guys and get down to like really talking about what to do, like how to approach things, how to really manage your energy in terms of like creatively so you can actually extend the lovemaking process. And what we do is we recalibrate the orgasmic curve, so instead of it being very intense and up and down, I teach guys to slow it down and to expand and stretch it out so that he’s able to make love for very long periods of time. And in that process assisting the woman and, if she’s practicing as well it’s going to be easier again, but he has the tools to assist the woman to have her waters arrive, have her yin, her shakti nature, actually come forth and really help her to open up and let that come forth quicker than it usually may. So she’s speeding up a little bit and he’s slowing down a little bit, and eventually what happens is the orgasmic curve starts to align, so they start to become very aligned in terms of like their orgasmic nature becomes very aligned, so they’re able to like stay with each other, very present, very connected energetically, mentally, physically, the tempo stays very connected, the rhythm stays connected and the breath stays connected and they end up making love for a very long period of time, and entering, and that gives the platform in which they can enter all these beautiful transcendent states that we, that you read about and hear about, you know… Like, if you can’t at least stretch out the love making process, forget looking for any transcendent experience. You’ve got to understand how to balance the fire and water initially, and that takes a bit of, that’s an art form in itself, this, you know… There is many tools that… But I will say this, if a guy can last 20 minutes, if he can slow his approach down and learn to open up his high centers and learn to really connect with his woman on a very deep level and stay calm and stay totally connected within the first 20 minutes of lovemaking after entering a woman, the exchange is going to be enough so that they’re going to balance out and they’re going to sort of help balance each other out and they’re going to have more chance of lasting, so… So the first 20 minutes of lovemaking is a really crucial time, and that’s where a guy has to be very artful, very present and very connected with his orgasmic nature, very aware of it and an art form, I guess you’d call it. And that opens up a whole new repertoire of experience.

Dr. Patti Taylor: So what is, maybe one suggestion you could have for our listeners, maybe our male listeners or if, you know, but I’m guessing it’s our male, for how they can slow down in that first 20 minutes? Might be through the breathing?

--Yeah, very much so through the breathing, but he, I mean for one, he’s got to be less focused on friction for one. I mean guys, usually the first thing they want to do is just go for it and they just want lots of friction, they want lots of stimulation, so often if a guy can enter a woman and just stay still and breathe and connect through the eyes, through the mouth, through the tongue and kissing, through the, and through feeling into the heart center, they can, if they can feel the upper higher senses, activate and become aligned with a woman without actually being so focused, again cock-centric and so focused on friction and the fire, he’s going to feel a slow opening of all these higher centers and will start to naturally open up if he just allows the space to do that, he starts to become more receptive emotionally, like his yin center, his heart center become more receptive as opposed to closed down, he’ll start to feel a softening in his heart center, and he will start to see deeper into the woman’s nature. And so, I’m just talking nuts and bolts here, this technique is like breathing and drawing energy from his testicles up through his body.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Now I think that’s really beautiful to focus on his, the upper part of him, the… I thought that was gorgeous, yeah.

Saida Desilets: And for a woman, as well as to, I think if she’s taking care of herself outside of the connection her energy will already be running, so she won’t be cold, she’ll be warm. And then in the connection, we lead actually, the feminine leads, and we lead through our surrender and we lead through our softness, and so not to be afraid to ask for slowing down or to ask to be touched a certain way or to grab his face and make him look at you. And so there’s a beauty in the feminine leading in that moment, the yin teaching the yang how to slow down.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Could you say a little more about that because I think in our society a lot of women are like under this misconception that if they ask a man for what they want, they’re going to crush his ego, and what you’re implying is that, you know, a woman’s job is to ask for what she wants.

Saida Desilets: It’s not so much a job, it’s actually her gift. If you’re really in your power as a woman, there’s not even a technique to it, it’s just who you are as a feminine. What you’re doing basically is inviting, inviting this beautiful being into your sacred temple. And so how do you want that visit to look like? How do you want it to feel? Usually you’re going to feel, have much more pleasure if things are slower. And sometimes your fire at some point will build and you’ll want it harder and faster and that’s fine, but in the initial phase, one of the things I ask women is, “Ask your partner to ask permission before he enters.” Just, you know, doesn’t hurt. Even if it’s the thousandth time that he’s asked, it’s so beautiful, and it creates a connection at that point. Deepen your own breath. If you’re afraid to say something speak through your body. Our body is a very powerful communicator, so you can move your body in ways that feel good, and you can stroke his back, stroke his hair and make him aware of his body, because men tend to forget their bodies a little bit, even though they’re being sexual with their body. So through engaging a little more with sensuality and what pleases you… Maybe you don’t have to say something verbally, although that’s also very nice, but you can really communicate it through your eyes, through your breath, through your belly, through your hands.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Mm. I really love that, and I love it when a man asks me permission, and they do by the way, and they like asking permission. It’s just honoring. It’s very sacred. I have a question for you; what is succulence mean to you?

Saida Desilets: Succulence means to me the ability to be fully alive in my body no matter what the external conditions are. So if I’m in a world, which this is the world, that doesn’t really condone the very juicy orgasmically alive woman, do I shut down or not? So it’s about not shutting down, but it’s about holding my aliveness in a really healthy container, and that will only happen if my heart is connected to my sexuality. So succulence is the result, it’s the steaming process of the fire and water together.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Wow, that’s gorgeous. That’s really gorgeous. And how about presence? I know I’ve waited a long time and, we talked about it in the first show too. Again, what is presence? You said that before men are to be present and women succulent and that’s, you know, it’s time again to just revisit, what is presence in the sexual context?

-- Yeah. Well presence is another ambiguous term that floats around these days, and a lot of people are going, “What the hell is presence?” It’s a really good question. It really is the result. So you can practice presence, but the presence comes naturally as a result of when a man stops trying to do, you know, trying to please his woman, trying to fix his woman, trying to be a great guy, be an asshole, whatever it is, his agenda is… When a guy softens his agenda, when he starts looking for the big orgasm, he’s not trying to make his girl get off, you know, trying to do this that and the other, perform whatever it is… when he stops this incessant agenda that’s always drawing him, and he feels and he sort of steps back into his power center, a sort of expression of his power, back into his power center he realizes that he is complete. He’s, he doesn’t need to think so much, he doesn’t need to control so much, he doesn’t need to run away so much, there’s another form of control is by disappearing. A man has a thousand ways in which he runs away from his heart, you know, whether it’s violently or through just being completely afraid. So when a man lets go of his agendas, this incessant drive to make something happen, when he sets into his power center he starts to vibrate with the primordial nature of the man. You know, he starts to feel the primordial hum or vibration of man, and he’s out of his own way, he gets out of his way. He gets his head out of the way, he gets his incessant agendas out of the way, and he just becomes, you know, becomes a channel for the life force, a very strong hugely powerful life force and he opens up. Often I teach guys, like there’s a part of my workshop where I teach guys to imagine their heart is like a yoni, you know, and imagine what it’s like for a guy… You guys can do this as a practice, imagine in your mind what it’s like to see a woman spread her legs in front of you and open herself up to you in a very deep inviting sensual way. And imagine you’re doing that at your heart center, imagine your heart is the yoni and it’s expressing itself in the same way. I mean that’s just a very simple visualization that a guy can take with him now, and it’s probably a little freaky for some guys, you know, ‘cause they’re very yang in their approach to the world, but when a guy can open his own yoni, his heart center he feels a sense of a dissolving of all these agendas and all these mental constructs he’s created and a deepening of his own power.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Wow! Well we’re going to take another break. This is Dr. Patti, and I’m here with Saida Desilets. You can learn more about her at alchemyofpassion.com. Please stay with us. We’ll be right back.

Dr. Patti Taylor: We’re back, and this is Dr. Patti, and we’re talking with Saida Desilets. And we’re going to take a few minutes and just find out a little bit more, we did promise we’d talk about singles, and I just want to find out a little bit more about what she does because it’s very rare that we have up and coming Taoist teachers in the world, so I’m just so excited that we’re talking to her today. So I just want to find out a little bit more about what you’re doing, large and small. What are you doing anyway? What are you teaching? Beside what you’ve been teaching, is there anything else that’s interesting?

Saida Desilets: Yes. Well the majority of the work is I work with women, and then there’s the couples work. The other thing that we’re working on is an upcoming DVD series, so that’ll be really exciting. And I’m working on several books in different languages as well on the subject. So that’s the work piece. And I quickly wanted to go back because I didn’t get to mention, there’s an amazing intimacy process that for couples is really amazing to do and I can just give it really quickly. It’s called Conscious Endings, it’s in my book. And basically it’s an amazing process where you sit together and you agree that you’re going to journey together and you ask each other, “How do you want this relationship to end? What does it look like when this ends?” And you journey together through this process, which brings something that’s kind of a hidden fear right out in front of you and you get to examine it and taste it and feel it. And what I find, the process of this journey is it shows you how you actually, the value of this person in your life, and it actually shows you either the relationship is currently over or wow, you just want to put more energy into it because you don’t want it to be over. So it’s a really beautiful process. If you are in a singles state of being, then practice Conscious Beginnings, when you meet someone what are you bringing to this person? What is your offering? Not what you can get out of a relationship, what you’re looking for, which, you know, make your list of what you’re looking for. No, make your list of who you are, what’s your gourmet plate, what are you offering? What are you going to bring to this person, and can you consciously communicate that with another? What kind of relationship do you want to have? So that’s for the singles, ‘cause I think it’s important that singles practice right now. If they want to be in conscious relationship at some point, then they need to practice now; with themselves, with their friends, with the people they meet.

Dr. Patti Taylor: So okay everybody, what are you bringing to the relationship? I’ll have to think about that for a little bit. Beyond the obvious answers, right. Okay, great. So, thank you so much for that. So what do you, what is your work going to be about when you go around the world on your tour, what countries, what are you going to teach? The alchemy of passion, pretty much what we’ve been talking about today?

--Yeah, we’re teaching the alchemy of passion, that’s our workshops for couples and conscious singles and incorporates everything we’ve been talking about. We also do solo work just with men alone, and Saida works with women alone. We can do it with personal meetings or through Skype or, we pretty much use any medium possible to work with people. And yeah, we have a DVD series, which is going to be very extensive, the DVD series, and it’s going to be something that we’re keeping pretty close to our chest at the moment, but when it comes out some time next year it’ll be pretty juicy, so… We’re looking at a few different formats, but yeah, that’s what we teach and…

Dr. Patti Taylor: Do you have a mailing list?

Saida Desilets: A mailing list? If people go to alchemyofpassion.com and hop onto my website, there’s a very easy way to subscribe to a mailing list for free, and they’ll get a newsletter. And we’d love to hear from you listeners, and any comments or any questions they may have, I, we love to interface with people and we actually get back to people, so that’s, that’s a great thing.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Oh wow! You’re one of the great kinds of guests. And that’s jadegoddess.com for Saida, and… Yes…

S: We will actually, the website’s pretty fresh, so we are going to have a mailing subscription form on the website, if you want to subscribe and get updates and stuff like that. It’s all very fresh, the website’s very fresh, so there’ll be a lot more, but…

Dr. Patti Taylor: So write to them soon before they get so famous that a new offer will replace this one. You heard them now while they are still available. Anyway, it’s very exciting to talk with both of you, as you are carrying forth the lineage of the Taoists and this amazing teaching that goes back thousands of years and really putting a fresh face on it and making it modern. And there’s so much in the Taoist information that is so profound. And one of the things I love about the Taoist information is it really does look at the human being as a sexual being, as a spiritual being and really connects up all the parts of a person and just looks at them, so it’s an amazing body of knowledge and it’s so amazing that you’re bringing this work out into the world to a whole new generation of people.

Saida Desilets: Thank you so much Patricia. It’s been quite an honor to be on your show.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Before we go, thank you, thank you. I was just wondering once again if you would like to leave our listeners with an inspiring thought?

Saida Desilets: Yes. I’d like them all to remember that they’re actually omni orgasmic beings. This means your whole body, every cell in your being has potential for that, and let life really make love to you. Take it in, breathe it in and just let that pleasurable sensation spread everywhere. You are an omni orgasmic being.

-- I’d probably add on the same note these are meant to really reestablish the priority of the sexuality in their relationships as a medium of growth and a connection with spirit, not just a way to relieve themselves or just make the wife happy, you know. Like actually use it as a vehicle of deep transformation and put it back in its proper place within their whole world, like priority and take the time and intent to really recontextualize sexuality. I think that’s a really important piece before a guy does any of this work, to have a good look at how he actually guides sexuality in his life, where he places it.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Well thank you so much. This does bring us to the end of our show. Those are beautiful thoughts and words. I’m going to do just that, reevaluate all of that and be omni sexual. I’m inspired. So please send me email at [email protected]. You can get text and transcripts of this show and other shows on the Personal Life Media network. Just visit our website at personallifemedia.com. Also please visit me, Dr. Patti Taylor, at expandedlovemaking.com, where you can join my mailing list and find out more about my products, services and events. This is Dr. Patti Taylor. That’s all for now. I remain yours in ever expanding lovemaking. And I’ll see you next week.