Episode 91 - Mastering Male Ejaculation Control (Part One) with Ian Ellington

Transcript

Dr. Patti Taylor: Welcome to the Expanded Lovemaking show. I’m your host, Dr. Patti Taylor of expandedlovemaking.com, and I teach you how to make exquisite love. This is part one of a two-part series, a man’s organ of reproduction, which I’m going to call his lingam. It’s very special, isn’t it? Look at all the pleasure it brings to him and his partner. Well it does, doesn’t it? So, my question to you men is just how much pleasure does it bring? And of course how much more pleasure could it bring? Our show today is on mastering ejaculation control. So we will learn more about how men can have the control they want, and yet also how to have way more pleasure too. So here to discuss this topic with us, and yes, us includes both men and women, is our guest for today Ian Ellington. So hi Ian and welcome to the show.

Ian Ellington: Hi Patti, it’s great to be here.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Yes. Well it’s really great to have you here.

Ian Ellington: Thanks.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Well let me tell you a little bit about Ian. Ian is a Tantrika, Daka, an erotic healer, a Reiki master, a shamanic breath worker, a sexual body worker and a sacred intimate. He’s been following the tantric path since the year 2000 and has trained with several well known tantric and Taoist teachers. Formerly an obstetrician and gynecologist for 19 years, he now devotes his life working with men and couples seeking deep personal transformation and growth. He’s located in San Francisco, California. In addition to teaching in person, he counsels men and couples over the phone. So lets get started and find out what he’s teaching men about ejaculation control and having more pleasure in his private sessions, workshops and classes. Well I’m going to just take it right from the top; what is tantra to you?

Ian Ellington: Well tantra means many things to many different people. For me it’s about a total acceptance of all things and that includes our sexuality. It’s about coming to find the balance of our masculine and feminine energies within each of us. It’s about using the body and the body’s pleasure to take us into higher states of consciousness.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay great. And so, how does tantra play a part in male sexuality?

Ian Ellington: Well first of all one of the primary principles of tantra is learning to see the sacredness or the divinity in all things. And so when it comes to male sexuality often times our sexuality is cloaked in shame and guilt that’s been promoted by all of the messages we’ve gotten from our society and our religions and our governments and our culture since birth. And so learning to see our sexuality as sacred starts to re-shift our focus and reprogram our, reprogram our way of thinking around our sexual expression in the world.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Uh huh, okay. Could you give us an example?

Ian Ellington: Well, in talking about men and our relationships with our sexuality, what we, what we look at when we look back at our childhood and when we reached puberty and first discovered that we could get pleasure in our genitals, we often somehow knew that this was something that we needed to hide or keep quiet or be secretive about. And so our pleasure started to be something that was very goal oriented and quick and shameful, and our bodies take on that message and take on that conditioning. So part of the work I do is helping people to recognize that and let go of the shame, let go of the guilt, let go off the goal orientation around their sexual pleasure and start to reprogram their bodies into a place of celebrating their sexuality and their sexual pleasure.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, so how would a man come to recognize that maybe he’s been conditioned, or do you think it’s really obvious?

Ian Ellington: Well I think this conditioning can play out in many ways in ones lives. It often times leads to sexual dysfunctions, like premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. It often time can lead to compulsions and addictions. It can lead to obsession with things like pornography. And so really this work is about shedding the light on that and helping people to reframe their relationships to their sexuality.

Dr. Patti Taylor: So if I’m hearing you correctly, there is a link between seeing your body as sacred and learning how to have pleasure and then healing some of these issues if you actually have one of these issues like premature ejaculation.

Ian Ellington: Right. It’s, once we, once we can create a safe container that doesn’t have any judgment involved then people can have an opportunity to experience their sexuality in a different type of way, to experience their sexual pleasure in a different type of way, and often that’s the doorway that we need to move away from some of these dysfunctions.

Dr. Patti Taylor: So what kinds of messages do you think men routinely get in our society that they would be ashamed about?

Ian Ellington: Well I think in most of our culture here in the West we are told that masturbation for instance is not something that’s okay, the popular belief that, you know, if you touch yourself and give yourself pleasure that you’re going to go blind. Many religions consider this a sin. And so right from the beginning, from the time of puberty we are getting this sex negative message about our sexuality and about our sexual pleasure.

Dr. Patti Taylor: I’m thinking even before puberty, you know, even as little kids, what do you think might be happening? You know, “Oh, cover up”, right. I mean even as a little kid, right? Why do we have to cover up, you know? Is there something wrong?

Ian Ellington: Right. And even as children who are innocent when it comes to their sexuality, parents will often say even as early as two or three years old, “Don’t touch yourself down there. That’s not appropriate.”

Dr. Patti Taylor: Right, and I don’t want to get into the whole kid thing, but I’m just saying these are the messages that, you know, stay with us our whole life that then have repercussions.

Ian Ellington: Yes, absolutely. And so we start embodying these messages that we get that sex is shameful, that sex is something to be hidden, that sex is something to be quiet about, that sex is not something to be talked about.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Well how ‘bout you? What was your own personal entrée into working with some of these sexual challenges, shall we say?

Ian Ellington: That’s been an interesting path for me. I’ve always had a lot of sexual energy, and because of all these messages that I got growing up in the environment and the family that I grew up in, I suppressed all of this sexual energy for quite a long time. When I finally started to allow myself to express that, then I was immediately labeled as a slut, and even to the point that a therapist that I was working with once suggested that I had a sexual addiction and suggested that I go into a 12 step program for that, which I did. But I quickly learned in that program that it was just propagating more of the same messages of shame and guilty, and it really wasn’t working for me. Even though I was letting go of some of the behaviors as the program asked me to do, I really wasn’t in a place of peace or wholeness about it at all. So when I left that program and really started to gain a true acceptance for my sexuality and my expression of my sexuality, something started to shift. And then one day I happened to find a practitioner who was offering tantric body work. And I didn’t exactly know what tantra was at that point, but I decided I’d go check it out. I knew it had something to do with sexuality and spirituality. And when I went for this session I had the most amazing experience on this man’s table. And during, during the session I actually experienced my own divinity, I actually felt like I was connected with the divine using my sexual energy as a vehicle. And once I discovered that connection on a practical level in my own body, it changed my whole outlook on sexuality and my sexual expression in the world.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Wow! Well that’s a pretty amazing story. What were you trying to heal and what happened on that table? Can you share?

Ian Ellington: Well first of all he created a very safe and nurturing and loving space for me to feel free for me to express my sexuality in movement and sound. And then guided me through a body works session where he honored all the parts of my body equally, without shame, without covering up without draping, and at the time that was a very new experience for me. So I felt really honored and I really got that all of my body and all of my sexual desire and all of my sexual expression was really sacred and divine.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, so, and were you there for a particular purpose or were you there for a, kind of a greater level of healing, or did you even know why you were there?

Ian Ellington: Yeah, I think at the point that I made that appointment and went I really didn’t know what I was searching for, but I was searching. I was seeking for something that felt like a missing piece for me, and once I had this experience I realized what the missing piece was, and that was is that our sexuality is something to be celebrated, not something to be hidden. And that’s when I really began consciously to be on the tantric path and to gather as much information as I can get and as much training as I could get towards furthering my education around this.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Well I really love that story because it’s, it’s profound and yet it’s, it’s everyday. It’s everyday in that I could go on someone’s table and have that happen to me too. It sounds like it’s real. It’s, so sounds like something our listeners could have happen to them too, and I love stories like that. So anyway, this is Dr. Patti Taylor, and I’m here with Ian Ellington. You can learn more about him at his website of The Garden of Ian. Yes that’s right, The Garden of Ian, and so check it out. He has some great videos on his website and some more interesting blogs and comments and thoughts, so it’s very fun to just check that out. And please stay with us. We will be right back. We are talking about mastering ejaculation control, so we will get more into that topic.

Dr. Patti Taylor: We’re back, and we’re talking about… Well we were just going to start talking about ejaculation control, and I’m wondering what do you like to call it when you teach people how, men how to be better ejaculators?

Ian Ellington: Well I’m sometimes a little bit resistant to the phrase ejaculatory control. I like to think of it more as surrendering to orgasm. And one of the things that I teach men is that actually orgasm and ejaculation are two separate physiological events. And so we can actually learn how to separate. So the primary focus when I’m working with a client one on one, or with a couple, is that we start to take our focus away from ejaculation being the end event and start to focus on the pleasure in the moment.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, great. So how would a man separate his ejaculation from his orgasm?

Ian Ellington: Well first we have to go back and look at his conditioning that we mentioned a few minutes ago. Most of us when we learn that we can get pleasure from our genitals, because we are trying to get it done as fast as possible and not get caught, we learn to go really fast toward an ejaculatory orgasm. And in doing that the way we do it is we hold our breath, we don’t make any sound, we tense all the muscles in our bodies and we go as fast as we can towards that ultimate goal of ejaculation. So in working with clients, what I’d like to do is to help them first of all be aware that that’s what their bodies learned. And then create a space where they can start to un-program their bodies and relearn how to experience their sexual pleasure in a different way. The way I do that is by guiding them through a series of breathing exercises, by giving themselves permission to make sound and to move their bodies all as an expression of their sexual pleasure.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, so lets say we’re doing that. I’ll just volunteer. Going to have to stretch your imagination on this one listeners, but lets say I’m your client and I’m breathing and I’m making sounds and I’m doing all that, and so now what?

Ian Ellington: Well first I’d guide you into doing some deep continuous belly breaths just to really get your focus on your body and help you to start relax, because most of the people, when they think about going on the sexual energy, already they start to tense up and hold their breath. So the first step is just to use the breath to help you center yourself in your body and start to let your muscles relax. Once I have you breathing, what I would encourage you to do is to just start to let any sound that wants to escape from you come out when you exhale, and that may be a sigh, that may be a moan, that may be a groan, any kind of sound that feels natural to come out. Making sounds starts to let energy flow in a different way in the body, and then finally allowing your body to move and express itself. I typically try to guide people through some movement of the hips with a gentle pelvic rocking back and forth, which starts to activate the pelvic energy and get the body loosened up more.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, so… Okay, so the guy now is moving and moaning and sounding and vocalizing, and how long might this take?

Ian Ellington: Well it varies from person to person. Some people are more, this is more of a natural process for them. Some people sort of tend to be more frozen in their bodies and it make take up to 20 or 30 minutes to really get them loosened up a bit. Once we get them breathing and sounding and moving though, then the fun part begins because then we can add some erotic energy and erotic stimulation to the mix. And the key there is that once we introduce the erotic energy to continue to guide them, to continue breathing and making sounds and moving their bodies so that they don’t go back to what they know so well, which is to hold their breath and tense up and stop making sound.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, so when you say “add erotic energy” what does that mean?

Ian Ellington: Well that can also look different for different people, and prior to a session I always discuss boundaries and what the comfort levels are so that there’s a level of safety for everyone. But working within an individual clients boundaries, then we might start some touch that would include genital erotic stimulation.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, I’m just trying to get a picture. So when the man is breathing and moaning, is he already touching himself and getting himself pretty high?

Ian Ellington: Initially we, I usually guide them through just the breathing and sounding and movement. Certainly if someone wants to touch themselves to add to that, then that’s encouraged. But at some point we would, we would then start to add either self-stimulation or stimulation, in a couple situation, from their partner, or if I’m working one on one, I would provide that myself.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, got it. So, so they start out just getting their body moving and breathing and flowing and all of that, and then at some point they add this self-stimulation, so I think that’s very of the genitals or the lingam. And I think it’s very interesting that you don’t go right away to just touching themselves, so I just wanted to say I think that’s very interesting they kind of get their, their energy flowing first.

Ian Ellington: Right. Yes, and that is very, very important, and that getting them focused on the breath and the movement and the sound is part of that reprogramming process, rather than jumping right in with the sexual energy up front.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, super. So okay, now, you know, lets say they’re there with their, I mean they could be there with their partner, so their partner lets say is there, or you’re there, either one, and they’ve added this stimulation or whatever, or you have, and now what?

Ian Ellington: Well now we want to guide them into an ever increasing excitation phase of their erotic arousal, while at the same time maintaining their body in a state of relaxation. And this is the difference between how we normally do it as men. Normally as our sexual excitement and our arousal starts to increase, that’s when we go into this very tensed up, breath holding place. So the key here is to raise the sexual energy up while maintaining the body in a relaxed state.

Dr. Patti Taylor: And I totally agree with you, ‘cause we women do that too. How do you, how do you teach people to do that event of course?

Ian Ellington: Right. Well it often times involves a lot of reminding them to breathe because we can often see as soon as the sexual energy starts to rise up, the men will tend to start holding their breath and tensing their muscles. So because we’ve practiced these movement and sounding and breathing exercises in advance, I can just remind them to come back to their breath, to move their pelvis, to allow some sound to escape on their exhale.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Well I really love that, so, and that that’s why you did all of that in the beginning so you have that as a base.

Ian Ellington: Exactly.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, great. So now you’re getting, you’re sort of stair stepping where they’re adding some stimulation and then they’re falling back into this relaxation, and that’s kind of putting a natural kind of break on the upward climb of the arousal.

Ian Ellington: Exactly. And then what we talk about in advance, but now we get a chance to practice is, is that we need to have a communication tool between us or between the partner that they’re working with, so that if they feel like they’re getting to that point of ejaculation, then you need to know so that we can try to move the energy in a different sort of way and avoid ejaculation. What I normally do is have the client when they, at the first sign that they think they might be approaching ejaculation, to simply just raise their left hand. And that’s the signal then that we need to try to shift the energy in a different sort of way. What I instruct them to do is that as soon as they are aware that they have this impending ejaculation, and once they signal me that that’s where they’re at I have them take a quick breath in and then shake their arms out as vigorously as possible while making the sound “Ahh” as loud as they can. And what that does is it takes this sexual energy that’s building up and building up and building up in the pelvis, that normally goes out the penis in the form of ejaculation, and the breath and the sound and the movement takes this energy and pulls it up through the body, and it’s almost like you’re ejaculating out your mouth with sound and ejaculating our your arms with the shaking and the movement. And this again is part of the reprogramming process to help them move away from the genital ejaculation.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, so that’s very interesting. So do you, and is this something a man practices on his own or do you actually do this during lovemaking? I’m just wondering how a partner would feel if you were sort of getting really aroused and all of a sudden a man were to go “Ahh” and shake his fingers, I mean, what, how his partner would respond.

Ian Ellington: Well I think the key there is communication. You know, premature ejaculation affects between 30 and 70 percent of all men, and it’s the most common sexual dysfunction, particularly in men under 40. So often times this particular issue can be sort of the pink elephant in the bedroom. And so the first step is just recognizing that it might be an issue, and then having communication with your partner about it so that you can work together to work through this. So absolutely, this practice can be something that you can practice on your own once you learn the things to do, and it’s a great way of sharing a new level of intimacy and communication with a partner as well.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Now, I think that’s really beautiful. What is the success rate, if you will, for people who learn this technique to kind of move beyond it? Do you have any guess, ‘cause I’m sure, I don’t think there’s a lot of studies, or are there in terms of, you know, who sort of kind of say, “Well yeah, I used to be a premature ejaculator way back when.” I seem to meet tons of people like that, so it seems like there must be quite a good success rate.

Ian Ellington: Yeah, I’m not sure exactly what the numbers are. I know in my own practice I have a lot of success even in one visit. And clients are often times absolutely amazed and surprised that they can come into a situation and maintain this energy without ejaculation for sometimes as long as an hour, an hour and a half, whereas prior to the session in their everyday life, sometimes we’re ejaculating in a matter of minutes without being able to control that.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Well, that’s very positive news. So I want to continue on with this discussion. 30 to 70 percent is a lot of men, so I think this is an important topic. So please stay with us. This is Dr. Patti Taylor, and I’m here with Ian Ellington. And I want to give you his website, it’s The Garden of Ian, and I’m actually going to spell it, The Garden, g-a-r-d-e-n, of Ian, i-a-n, dot com (thegardenofian.com), and of course this is all in our show notes. And we’ll be right back. And again, he has some really fun videos and other really great stuff on his website. Please stay with us.

Dr. Patti Taylor: We’re back. So how often do you think, would you recommend that a man practice this to get good, or how, how individual is this? I mean, might it, we don’t want to get people’s hopes up, you know. I, necessarily, could it take one person a year and one person one visit, I mean, or, I mean…

Ian Ellington: Yes, there’s a lot of variation and practice makes perfect, so I would say practice, practice, practice every chance you get. Once you learn these techniques, which are fairly easy to do in a session, then the next challenge and opportunity is to take what you’ve learned back out into your everyday life, and to be able to use these techniques with your partner or on your own. And again, that’s where having good communication with a partner comes into play. But you can really make it into a lot of fun.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Well how do you make it into a lot of fun?

Ian Ellington: Well if you’re in a relationship and premature ejaculation is an issue, then obviously that affects not just the man, but the partner as well. So, as I said before, talking about this is the first step and bringing some awareness to this. And then just saying, “Okay, lets see if we can approach this in a lighthearted manner and have some fun with it.” And ultimately if that works then both partners are going to benefit.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Yeah because I think there’s a lot of pain in this topic. And so I was just wondering is there some way to kind of take a tantric perspective on this? Like is there a gifting here, like even if you’re still practicing and you haven’t gotten it yet, is there some way to be tantric about it and just use the breath to get more, more connected to yourself and your consciousness so that while you’re learning, even if you haven’t mastered it yet, you’re getting all these other dividends, you know what I’m saying?

Ian Ellington: Yeah, absolutely. Anytime I think you start to put more of an awareness on your breath you’re beginning, you’re getting a benefit from it.

Dr. Patti Taylor: You’ve done so much work with breath work, so lets tie this all together and have it be fun while we’re learning, right, while we’re practicing.

Ian Ellington: Right. Yeah, the breath is a really powerful tool and is probably the most important aspect of this. And actually once you get some experience with this and learn how to really work with your breath, you can actually bring yourself to a state of orgasm with breath alone, even without bringing the physical sexual arousal into it, and we can talk a little bit more about that later on in the show.

Dr. Patti Taylor: That’s true. In part two of this show we are going to be talking about what happens after you master the part one, which is the ejaculation control, you go on to have the opposite opportunity, which is multiple orgasm, which again is working with the breath. But while we’re still here with just mastering ejaculation, what type of things might be possible with a partner and breath, just so that there’s more pleasure at this stage?

Ian Ellington: When you take the focus off ejaculation and put it on the pleasure itself, then it allows for a great opportunity for two partners to communicate about what it is they want, what it is that feels good, and for a lot of couples this is a, is a brand new experience in and of itself. We often times try to figure out what it is that our partners want, but we never think about asking them. And sometimes we are hesitant to ask for what we want because we’re focused on the other person’s needs. So just starting a dialogue about what we want, what we like, what we enjoy, what type of touch feels good, which type of touch doesn’t feel good, really helps to open up new pathways of communication, which ultimately leads to more intimacy. And then just in doing exercises together you have a common goal, so that’s going to also increase the bond and increase the intimacy and, and just the pleasure of it all along is really fun. And what’s the worst that can happen? We could ejaculate, then you could make the most out of that as well.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Wow, that’s really beautiful, and you know one thing about tantra is that because it is actually, you know, goes back thousands of years and these were spiritual practices, and so this is an opportunity to go beyond judgment. So rather than conventional sex where your ego brain is going, “Oh that was right and that was wrong”, you know, right/wrong conversation, this is a place to, isn’t just be beyond judgment all together and just go into the presence?

Ian Ellington: Yes, absolutely. I mean again, tantra is about accepting all things, and in doing so then we do release all of our judgment, and when there’s no judgment there’s really no need for shame, there’s no place for shame or guilt. So we can, we can go into that place, particularly with another person, it really opens up the door for a lot of the expanded pleasure and expanded openness in the relationship that you may not have had before.

Dr. Patti Taylor: If, if lets say a couple were doing some of these practices and lets say they got a little frustrated, you know, just sex can lead to arousal and hyper-arousal and, you know, maybe they get a little frustrated, could they use a breathing practice possibly to calm themselves down, and if so, what kind of a breathing might they do to get centered again?

Ian Ellington: Well there’s lots of different types of breathing techniques, but the main thing I think is just bringing the awareness to the breath, regardless of which type of technique you’re using, as opposed to breathing shallowly or holding your breath. So if you could just remind each other to come back to the breath, maybe taking a moment, separating from the physical touch, doing a little bit of eye gazing and just coordinating your breath with each other, you really can kind of bring it back down into a grounded state of being into your body and then start from there again when you feel ready.

Dr. Patti Taylor: That is so beautiful. Now if you’ve ejaculated, I mean, you can start up again, right? I mean, or can you just go on and just give each other pleasure anyway, right?

Ian Ellington: Yeah. It’s, most men when they ejaculate go through what’s called a resolution phase, and that time period varies depending usually on the age. For teenagers it can be two or three minutes before they’re ready to go again, and as we get older that tends to be a little bit longer. But in that space there’s also lots of opportunities for intimacy that doesn’t have to be a really highly charged sexual place. Loving touch, gently stroking and caressing other parts of the body, the face, the hair, all leads to greater intimacy between the couple.

Dr. Patti Taylor: I think that’s really beautiful. So, I know after I’ve cum, you know, it doesn’t mean anything.

Ian Ellington: Right.

Dr. Patti Taylor: I’m just ready for more, something.

Ian Ellington: Well that’s one of the differences I think between men and women is that women’s sexual desire tends to build with each passing orgasm, whereas men typically have to have that resolution phase after ejaculation. And as we’ll discuss later on, men can learn to become multi orgasmic too, so they can say they’re matched one on one with the woman orgasm for orgasm.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Well that’s true, but their, as you said, their hearts are open and they can still give and receive lots of pleasure.

Ian Ellington: Right.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Well we are going to bring this show to a close. We are, as Ian said, going to go on to discuss part two, male multiple orgasm, which I am just so excited about. So, so lets close this show so we can start thinking about the next. Before we do though, I wanted to invite you to leave our listeners with a thought they can take into their day.

Ian Ellington: Well I’ll leave you with something that came to me once during a session that I was having with a client and it’s become sort of the foundation for my work, and that is that in the house of higher consciousness, presence is the foundation, sex is the doorway and breath is the key.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Wow! Well thank you so very, very much. This has been really enlightening for me, so I’m sure I’m speaking for many of our listeners. We’ve been talking today with Ian Ellington. You can find out more about him. If you think of the Garden of Eden, you’ll be very close to The Garden of Ian, i-a-n, The Garden of Ian. So thank you Ian.

Ian Ellington: Thank you Patti.

Dr. Patti Taylor: And I’m going to ask our listeners, I would like to know who you are, so if you will go to survey.personallifemedia.com, tell me who you are, I would love that. So for text and transcripts of this show, please visit our website at personallifemedia.com. Please send me email at [email protected], and also please visit me, Dr. Patti Taylor, at expandedlovemaking.com where you can join my mailing list, find out more about my products and services and events. This is Dr. Patti Taylor. That’s all for now, and I remain yours in ever expanding lovemaking. And see you next week.