Episode 43: Secrets of Self-Loving and Orgasmic Opening with Dr. Patti Taylor

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In this unique show, Hear Dr. Patti, the regular host of our Expanded Lovemaking show, talk about her introduction to self-loving, or masturbation, at a late age, her reactions to it, and her choices of how to respond. She gives suggestions about how to begin. Dr. Patti recommends other Expanded Lovemaking Show interviews to listen to that are relevant, and even good toys to help create the perfect self-loving date. Decide if “witnessing” is for you, either secretly or openly, and how to use masturbation as a teaching device for a more orgasmic experience with yourself or a partner. Hear how to discover more about your own changing body. Learn how to apply this knowledge to accompany intercourse for more orgasmic experiences there as well! This sensitive topic addresses concerns that many men and women share. So many newcomers to sex, as well as experienced lovers, have the potential to benefit. Find out why!

Transcript

Announcer: This program is intended for mature audiences only.

Dr. Patti Taylor: In this amazing show learn how you can amp up your love life by treating yourself and possibly your lover to the skills of what turns you on by turning yourself on. Find out just how truly profound the benefits really are.

Welcome to the Expanded Lovemaking Show. I am your host, Dr. Patti Taylor on expandedlovemaking.com, and I teach you how to give and receive way more pleasure than you ever dreamed possible.

Today on the show we are talking about magnificent masturbation. What does it take to be a phenomenal giver and receiver of expanded orgasmic pleasure? Let me give you a hint. It starts with knowledge and love of yourself and of your genitals and what it takes to feel great down there. Yes, and you will learn all this through magnificent masturbation.

So, let’s get started. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am Dr. Patti Taylor, intimate sex coach and also the host of this show. I have got a PhD in transpersonal psychology and have been teaching about expanded orgasms since 1991, so that makes 17 years.

I am the author of the book, “Expanded Orgasm”, and the creator of the education video, Expanded Orgasm Tonight. I work with clients privately and by phone. I am located in the Bay area of California, and I am always teaching, writing and coming out with new products.

I am so excited about this show because it is all about self-love. So many of us are so willing to give love to others sometimes even more than love to ourselves, and many of us don’t even know how. Today I am going to open up my own thoughts on this very intimate subject. Let’s get started.

I am going to tell you a little bit of my own history. I did not masturbate myself until I was 36 years of age, and that was a while ago. I know a lot of you think I am pretty young, but I look young. A lot of people say when they see me, “Wow. You look 10 years younger than you did 10 years ago”. That’s what you get when you are orgasmic. I know I diverted, but anyway, I didn’t start until I was - well, maybe, it was 30. I don’t know. It was in the mid 30’s.

The first time I did it was for a course, and I was so scared and so embarrassed that not only did I lock the door I triple locked the door. And, I turned out the lights, and oh, I put a chair in front of the door so it wouldn’t be discovered in case someone got through the triple locks somehow. This made me feel safer. I got under the covers. The light was out, and I had total performance anxiety as I had never done it before.

What if I am no good? You know, what if I can’t satisfy myself? Well, I had had some instructions. Look a little bit to the left and it was a little scary, but it turns out I had a pretty good time. No one tried to break down the door, but I’ll never forget lying there in the dark underneath the covers and I was shivering a little bit, shivering in total fear. As I was touching myself and while it felt really good there was a part of me that was thinking, why am I shivering? Where is this fear coming from?

I had never done this before. Why am I so scared? Obviously, there is something going on here. So, I had a really good time, and I said - thanks a lot. We really ought to do this again some time soon, and that is how it all began for me. I wound up doing it a lot after that, and that was how I started. If you’ve never done it before, don’t worry. You can learn any time.

I was taught that the most sensitive place is a little bit to your left, so - I’m talking to women now - if your clitoris is like a clock and you are looking down, 12, of course, would be your top and six would be your bottom. Three o’clock would be your left, and nine o’clock would be your right. I was taught about two o’clock should be a little bit on your left and sort of on the top right underneath where the clit meets the hood would be about your most sensitive place.

Well, I tried that, and I thought it was a little weird because for me it felt like my right side was more sensitive. So, of course, I had some performance anxiety, and I was confused. That’s OK because it was all new, but I tried it out as suggested. While the right side felt pretty good I had to admit that after some experimentation it actually did start to feel better on the left side. I think it was a matter for me of actually just learning to wake up that area. Now, that is the area that does feel the best.

We all have different anatomy. Some women don’t even have their clit as exposed at all, and some women don’t even want their clit touched directly. They prefer having just the shaft touched or through the hood, so that’s all OK. Some women need to just go very slowly towards direct contact. That’s the beauty of masturbation for a woman. A lot of us have never even really gone down in there or very often because we always have men so eager to help us out or we’re scared or who knows what.

Actually, for about 80% - I think that’s the number. I don’t know who did that research, but the left side at around two o’clock, one thirty or two thirty or whatever, seems to be about the position where most women do find it to be the most sensitive. But, if you’re different that’s OK. I have actually seen a lot of differences, and I am not even sure the 80% would hold. So, I respect all women’s differences.

For men the most sensitive area usually is somewhere on the shaft. It’s often right underneath the crown, the corona of the penis or cock. But, sometimes it can be in the middle, and I always like to ask a man or a woman where it is. Usually, a man will know where it is because they have masturbated pretty much. It’s usually the woman where it helps, so I may talk a little more in the beginning towards the women because I am guessing that women haven’t done it quite as much as the men have.

Probably, there are also women who have been doing it their whole life, and I think that is great. I am a little jealous because look at all those years that I gave up where I could have been having a great time. Why learn to do it? I mean, well there are a million reasons. First of all, it is a great stress reducer, and I also believe that the orgasmic energy keeps you young, keeps you beautiful. I think people know when you are orgasmic. I think they feel the life energy going through you, and I think it makes you attractive to yourself, to the opposite sex, to everyone.

It is one of those things that is a fact, use it or lose it. If you are not in a relationship, by all means you would certainly want to consider this to just keep your vital energy going because then you would attract that energy into your life and definitely keep your vital energy going. Even if you are in a relationship, let’s say your lover isn’t having a real easy time finding you. I’m talking to the women - finding you – because you may not be having a good time finding you.

So, let’s just talk about that for a moment. That’s a really good reason to learn to do it is a lot of women don’t really even know where their favorite spot is located, and if they don’t know then it is going to be really hard to express to their lover, go to the left or go to the right. Then, they don’t give themselves or their sweetheart that chance. They don’t develop that sensitivity. You know, the more you put that attention on any area the more you develop sensitivity in that area. Certainly, the opposite of use it or use it. The more you develop it the more you are actually going to get sensitive. You develop a map so that you begin to realize what strokes work for you, what pressure works for you.

Going back to my story a little bit, where did that fear come from? Why was I shivering in bed? I wondered that for quite a while because I didn’t have an answer at the time. I could never remember my parents telling me that masturbation was bad, or I never saw a movie where masturbation was bad. Actually, I had nothing. I couldn’t connect to anything that would have me do what I did.

Ultimately, I concluded that I must have simply picked up this message on a subtle level from society, from subtle cues that were just beneath the surface. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but they must have been there. So, I said, OK, I just picked these up from subtle messages, but it was sort of like once I did it I broke the cue and I do.

I think you can just read a history book and see the subtle messages for men. It’s like, if you masturbate you’ll go blind and for women it’s like sexuality is evil. There are so many messages, or maybe it’s just that sex is only right when you are married.

You know there are so many messages, and I am not saying what is right or what is wrong. That’s not my job here, but what I am saying is when there are so many conflicting messages and it’s the first time I was doing it I had to sort through that and get to the point where I took ownership of my body and made my own decisions. I did, and I came to the point where I said, “Hey, you know, I’m pretty good, and I’m a pretty good lover. This is actually of value to me.

This is going to strengthen my relationship with my partner and with my lover because now I can tell him what I want. I see where, maybe, I was embarrassed or ashamed.

I’m going to take a break. We’ll be right back.

I do talk a little bit about this in my book. Actually, I talk a lot about this in my book about how to make maps of your genitals, mostly for women, but there are a lot of exercises that you can do. I love doing exercises. There is so much more to sex than just the missionary position. [laughs] There are like hours and days and weeks and months.

I am Dr. Patti Taylor, and we’ll be right back. My book is “Expanded Orgasm”. My DVD is Expanded Orgasm Tonight, and my website is expandedlovemarking.com.

Announcer: Listen to Sex, Love and Intimacy, a podcast providing weekly audio workshops for your pleasure and connection on personallifemedia.com.

Dr. Patti Taylor: We are back. I am Dr. Patti Taylor and we are talking about magnificent masturbation.

Where do you start once you have made that decision, you know, I am going to masturbate? Maybe, it’s just good for me. You get rid of some tension on one level, or maybe, you listened to Mantak Chia, that was one of our great interviews or maybe you have listened to all, maybe 35 or 40 of our interviews because they all tell you there is something really profound and expanding in your consciousness about doing it. It opens up your heart. There are so many reasons to just claim your energy. So for whatever reason, where do you start?

Well, I would say you start by getting your room ready, putting on some beautiful music and your favorite lubrication and getting yourself really comfortable and letting go of any expectations. I would have to say that may be one of the biggest things of all. I have worked with so many women and so many men, and maybe that is one of the biggest things involved, especially for women because they don’t have the testosterone going in them.

They come to me: I don’t feel anything. Oh, the judgments. Oh my God. I don’t feel anything. I am dead down there. I am numb. I am this. I am that or I tried it for 10 minutes and I got bored. Or, I don’t even want to tell you any more. It’s the judgments. But, you know, it happens to men, too, because a lot of men have had prostatectomies. They are not as hard as they used to be, or they come too soon. There are a lot of reasons where we’re not the image of who we think we ought to be, so we judge ourselves.

I am asking a lot right now, but the place to start, and you can say Dr. Patti told you if you don’t want to do this on your own, is to leave your judgments at the door. If you can start by just feeling yourself and breathing; just remember, feel and breathe. Let go of any expectations at any time. If it feels even a hundredth of a percent better you want to acknowledge.

So, now we are up to just three things. You want to breathe and breathe deeply and relax, so feel and breathe and acknowledge. So, you are touching yourself and the acknowledgement even if you are not feeling much, it’s like: wow, I am loving myself. Wow, I love that I am honoring myself. Wow, I feel beautiful. Wow, that is so slippery and moist.

There are so many acknowledgements. Wow, I love that I took the time to be here with myself. I didn’t know that, wow, my right lip is bigger than my left lip, or if you are a man, wow, I can still feel sensation while I am soft. Or, maybe it can be that you got in a second. Wow, I got hard in a second, or wow, whatever it is. Feel, breathe, acknowledge in whatever order you want. You want to drop all other thoughts so it’s really like a meditation. Feel, breathe, acknowledge and enjoy. We are up to four things. That’s enough.

If other issues come up, like, let’s say, shame or you are judging yourself for I’m not feeling anything. Now, don’t judge yourself for judging yourself. That’s the wrong direction. Just let it go. Go back to feeling and breathing and acknowledging. Try this for a while.

What can I say? Just go with this and feel pleasure and really acknowledge every drop of pleasure. And, see if the left side is good for you. See where yours is.  A man has a favored spot. Do you know where it is? Does it help to twist the corona a little bit when you come up? See if you can talk about it out loud because that will help you tell a partner what you like. I think that’s really nice, too, and notice.

Another really fun thing you might want to do is be witnessed. That can be really, really hot. If you have a partner, have him hide in the closet so that way you might want to get undressed and just be super sexy. I know; I know. My body issues. I know. I don’t know how to be sexy. I know I’m just a big ball of fat. I’ve never done this before, and hopefully, we have some shows on that.

Diane Greenberg did a show on stripping for your lover, but do it for yourself and then be witnessed, not as a performance but just be witnessed just to see what it’s like to, maybe, get rid of any shame, as just another experience.

Wow, someone’s watching me masturbate. It may break another issue for you. It may feel really beautiful. It may feel really sexy and hot. Wow, someone is watching me. Wow, that’s kind of neat. Ooh, I’m being watched. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

I have to tell you something. Do you know how many men would just go wild? You think, maybe you think, that you are not the most beautiful thing alive being secretedly witnessed. You don’t know that your partner wouldn’t pay a million dollars to be watching you or vice versa. Watching your guy might be like what he wants on his birthday present more than a Porsche. You don’t know it. You might ask or maybe just witnessing in person.

My partner has asked me dozens of times: please can I witness you. That’s like cotton candy and ice cream and 10 other things all rolled up in one. He wants to know what I do to turn myself on. And there’s actually some real good sense that that makes.

These are profound things that we can do. For some people they are low risk. For some people that may be the greatest risk you’ll ever take. Maybe, not the greatest risk you will ever take, but in that moment it could make you a legend.

We’re going to take a short break to support our sponsors. I am Dr. Patti and we’ll be right back.

You can learn more about me at expandedlovemaking.com. My book is “Expanded Orgasm”. Do stay with us. I am really glad you are with us.

Announcer: Listen to Sex, Tantra and Kama Sutra, a weekly Internet audio program from personallifemedia.com. Learn ancient secrets that turn on the soul of sex at personallifemedia.com.

Dr. Patti Young: We are back and we are talking about magnificent masturbation.

By the way, we are doing a survey. Please help me win sponsors by taking a very short anonymous online survey. Go to personallifemedia.com and click on listener survey ad found on my show page, Expanded Lovemaking and the episode pages. I’d really appreciate that so much. Thank you.

We have been talking about masturbation. There are lots of devices you can use. I use a dildo to get inside, a curved dildo. There just gets to be a point where I let my fingers do the walking and talking. At some point I just need way more action than that. Man on the Moon is so good, and I have another one. I used to have Corn on the Cob. I don’t know what happened to him, but there’s the Whale and was it a Dolphin, and there’s a few of them. It’s kind of fun to get a whole bunch of them, and you see which one you like. There are vibrating ones. If you are a guy, there’s the Aneros. There’s anal ones.

Jamye Waxman did a whole show on sex toys for all kinds of masturbation. I always have my toys out for when I masturbate, and I am sure you will have your toys out, too. There is also something called a Water Hose that I can’t rave highly enough about. It is kind of like having unlimited oral sex for as long as your warm water stays on.

I believe if you go to Dr. G and my interview with Dr. G, drg.com, he sells them. Actually wrote the manual so they are really hot. You just hook one up right to your shower device. That is a fabulous way.

Some people like vibrators. Some people like them. Some people don’t. It is up to you. It is certainly an option. I think for learning sensitivities I am not normally one that recommends them. Sometimes, you can polish yourself off with them, a lot of mixed opinions on those. Definitely get out a bunch of toys because you know what? If it isn’t fun you are not going to do it, right?

Here’s another thing. If it just sounds like a lot of work then just do it for five minutes. Once you have signed up for five minutes then you might sign up for another five. If it is not fun, who is going to do it? So, make it fun. Make it total fun. Go out; get strawberries. Get chocolate. Get your favorite incense. Tell everyone they can’t call you for two hours, you know. Make a big deal out of it. I’m sorry. I’m busy. I turned off the phone. You can’t call me. Send the kids away. Don’t tell anyone what you are doing. Get out your coloring book. I don’t care what you do. This has got to be fun for you, OK?

Spend money on yourself. Get your best teddy. Get a best self-photograph of yourself. If there isn’t time for you to love yourself, then what is your time for? And if this is the time you are making to give so that when you do have a partner or if you do have a partner you can show him or her how to love you better. What else is time for? What else are relationships for?

There are many, many ways to go from here, but masturbation will help you guide your lover, and that is another really nature benefit. They want to know what to do, and here’s another thing. You are going to change so much. I used to like it one way. I really did. I told you. At first, I thought I liked it on the right, and then I liked it on the left. Then I liked it really hard and fast and I was really getting into it with the Man on the Moon. I think I have a crush on the Man on the Moon. He may be my number one guy although I kind of like the Whale, too. Oh, Moby Dick, that’s his name, of course. Anyway, I like Moby Dick, too, depends on my mood, but Man on the Moon has got a little of curve to him that turns me on, what can I say.

Anyway, it will help you guide your lover. You are going to change, but how are you going to know that if you are not experimenting? I remember I went through some change. I don’t know why. You know, your bodies change. Your hormones change. I went through this phase where I went from wanting it, let’s just say, hard. I went through this change where all of a sudden all I did was barely touch myself and I started going over the edge. Well, now if I didn’t know that how was I going to tell my lover?

Just think about that. You will be able to expand your range the more you love yourself. There is so much you can do. You can squeeze your labia. Did you know you can squeeze your labia like really, really hard? It’s different than your clit. You can please your shaft really hard, and then you can go so light. But, if you don’t experiment you’ll never know and then you’ll never know that you could ask your lover. You can experiment on stuff. There is probably stuff that you just don’t even know that is going to drive you nuts with pleasure. You can go as long as you want.

Here’s another thing. Let’s say, it is your birthday, and you want to make sure you are going to have the most magnificent time ever. Well, you can get yourself off or really close to getting off before your partner touches you. Then, I’ve done this before, you know, when we weren’t quite as good as we are now. By the time your lover goes near you and touches you, you are just like electric. You are like: Oh, baby, baby, oh my God. Oh. Oh. You’re just drooling and dripping because you are already so hot. You are so hot because you are already there. It is such a gift. So, of course, you want to get that still.

One more thing. Masturbation during intercourse has got to be an incredibly fun option. You know, women, we are built this way. Only 33% of us naturally have a climax during intercourse. That changes if you have been coming before a lot so that probably the number is a lot higher if you have been orgasmic for some time before you have intercourse. But, if you haven’t, well, I don’t want to get into the statistics. Whether you have or you haven’t, you can definitely masturbate while having intercourse.

That’s a whole other show, what the positions are. Maybe, I’ll get to that soon. But, why not? If you know how to do it, then you just stick your hand down there and the more comfortable you are feeling yourself, then you are not going to think twice.

Will that ever turn your partner on? Do fish swim? I mean, all of this stuff is going to drive your partner wild. And talk to him or her about it. In speaking about the men, I love seeing my partner masturbate because I love learning about him. Sometimes, I just want to help. Sometimes, I am a little sleepy, and I found out so many ways I can help him masturbate. I can just help run my hands over his body and spread the energy. I love watching him. It’s so intimate. It is such a blessing for us. It is such an intimate way for us to connect.

I hope you have enjoyed my sharing with you a little bit about this topic. I know it is an intimate one. So, I would like to leave you with this thought that in the long run when all is said and done I don’t think you are going to wish you spent more time at the office. I think we are all going to look back and think how much love we made. I encourage all of us to just think about how much love is possible for us to make, and I am wishing all of you a love filled day.

Thank you all for listening. That brings us to the end of the show. Please send me email at [email protected]. For texts and transcripts of this show and other shows on the Personal Life Media network, please visit the website at personallifemedia.com.

Also, please visit me, Dr. Patti Taylor, at expandedlovemaking.com where you can join my mailing list and find out more about my products, services and events.

This is Dr. Patti Taylor. That’s all for now. I remain yours in ever expanding lovemaking, and I’ll see you next week.

Announcer: Find more great shows like this on personallifemedia.com.