Episode 29: Finding Sexy Gifts for Your Lover – And Yourself with Jamye Waxman

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Dr. Patti and Jamye Waxman discuss the wonderful world of sex toys. Jamye is a New York City sexologist, and author of Getting Off: A Woman&’s Guide to Masturbation, which covers sex toys extensively, as well as providing a compendium of all kinds of lists sex-pleasurable to encourage the woman to gift herself with pleasure.& And, she&’s worked in a famous sex toy shop, Babeland, for over five years.

Today, there are so many products out there to choose from. They come in an array of materials, shapes, sizes, and functions. You&’ll learn all about what products women choose most when they buy a toy. What are the latest trends in vibrators? What are the features, and distinctions we might want to be looking for (and lusting over?) What&’s new in dildoes? How do we know which one to buy? Find out why glass is so desired! And learn about Jamye&’s own favorite picks!

Discover men&’s toys, including the one every man (apparently) dreams of owning!& There are dildoes, vibrating cock rings, &“butt balls&” and &“sleeves&” that even couples getting racy can have hours of fun with! A woman will find it easy to gift her man after hearing some of these suggestions!

After a thoughtful discussion of lubes, and how to shop for gifts, we consider why Jamye wrote a book on women&’s masturbation, and, just gifting yourself… with yourself! A totally fun, meaningful, and hot, playful show!

Transcript

Announcer: This program is intended for mature audiences only.

Dr. Patti Taylor: In this awesome show, you'll discover what toys women want most.  The astonishing variety of materials and features in the new toys for both men and women.  And, how to make your shopping fun, whether it's from a store, or an online catalogue.

Jamye Waxaman: No doubt that the most popular toy for women is a vibrator, when it comes to sex toys.  There are lots of different types of vibrators; the newest line, the next generation, are rechargeable, which means that you just plug them in like you would your cell phone, and then you can use them for an hour, two, or three.  My ultimate favorite, just in its concept, is the OhMiBod, because it's so funny, you actually plug it into your iPod and get off.  So this is the new trend in dildo, dildonics, or whatever you want to call it.  But it's really about the real skin with the hygienic clean.

All men who have tried an Aneros product, and are open and accepting and into prostate stimulation have really found this has produced mind-blowing orgasms.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Welcome to the expanded lovemaking show.  I'm your host, Dr. Patti Taylor, of expandedlovemaking.com, and I teach you how to give and receive way more pleasure than you ever dreamed possible.  Today on the show, we are going to be finding sexy gifts for your lover, and yourself.  To me, love a verb.  We make love, and give pleasure, with our hearts, bodies, minds, and spirits.  If can find accessories to enhance this pleasure, then that love can include a special gift we may want to give or receive.  Today there are so many products out there to choose from, that I've invited on an expert to help us learn what's new and exciting, and possible, to give.  So our guest is Jamye Waxman.  Welcome, Jamye.

Jamye: Thank you so much.  So many gifts, you're right by the way, Patti.

Patti: So, welcome.

Jamye: Thanks.

Patti: Jamye is a New York City sexologist, writer, video producer, media guest, and sex educator.  She writes and blogs for a host of well known publications including a sex-ed column for Playgirl magazine.  She is the author of several books, including her newest, "Getting Off," which covers sex toys extensively.  And she's worked in a famous sex toy shop, Babe Land, for over five years.  So I'm thrilled to have Jamye here with us today, and I think lots of our listeners just might like to buy their lover, or themselves, something soon.  And we might just be able to give them some fun and juicy ideas.  So today, we will find out just what are some of the hot, fun, and exciting trends in toys, for both women and men.

Let's start with a few questions about women's gifts.  Jamye, what are some of the most popular toys for women.

Jamye: Well, no doubt, the most popular toy for women is a vibrator, when it comes to sex toys.  It's just a) the most talked about sex toy out there, and b) it gives most women the quickest reaction to using a sex toy, the quickest positive reaction, depending upon the toy they get.  So, vibrators, because lots of women, it's their introduction into sex toys for a lot of women; they use vibrators.  And because so many women, celebrities, and different types, and "Sex in the City," they all talked about vibrators.  The vibrator is by far the most popular gift.  The thing now, is that there are so many vibrators out there, and so many vibrator manufacturers out there, continuing to blow our minds, really, with the vibrators that they're making, that it's become a pretty complicated gift market, in terms of choosing the right vibrator for you.  But that's by far the most popular of the sex toys.

Patti: I was looking in your book, "Getting Off," which I have to say, seems like just a great resource guide for the latest and greatest new things.  There must be, what, I don't know what, 20 little pictures in here of hot new little vibrators.  I had now idea there were so many, my goodness.  I feel like I'm totally up on the subject now.

Jamye: Well it's funny, because I feel like after writing this book ... and that was one of the goals when I wrote "Getting Off," one of the things I wanted to do was make a current list and keep people updated on the sex toys that are out there, because you can literally close your eyes and open them again, and there will be some new toy on the market.

Patti: Why don't you start and give us a list of the types of vibrators, because, I had no idea of what are even the possible categories.  We're way past "the rabbit," okay?  Everybody knows what the rabbit is, right?

Jamye: Yes, the Rabbit is the dual action toy which is both used for penetration and clitoral stimulation at the same time.

Patti: That was big, like, twenty years ago; we're way past that, folks.

Jamye: That was big a long time ago.  It's still... I mean people are still improving upon the Rabbit, whether in the design form, because the Rabbit has bunny ears that tickle the clitoris, so some people don't find those as comfortable, so people have upgraded, made other animals or other designs in place of the rabbit ears, just to try new things.  Also, with the Rabbit, it rotates; there are pearls in the Rabbit, which stimulate the vaginal lips, and people have been improving upon where to put those pearls, what types of pearls to use, they're just plastic beads.  So there are upgrades, but yeah, the upgrade has been around as long, well, not as long, but a long time.  Not as long as the Hitachi Magic Wand, which lots of people have heard about.  This is one of the most powerful vibrators ever.  It basically has two speeds, and I call them "wow," and "yowser."  I'm jumping around here, but what I should say is that there are lots of different types of vibrators.  The newest line, the next generation, are basically rechargeable, which means that you just plug them in like you would your cell phone, and then you can use them for an hour, two, or three.  The other vibrators either operate on batteries, and that can be watch batteries, which are a little bit hard to find, but like at Babe Land, and places, at sex shops, and online now, you can find lots of places that sell watch batteries specifically because the smaller vibrators use the more often than the larger ones.  And then of course, there are your plug in vibrators as well.  I've seen in the past, solar operated vibrators, but those don't seem to have as much staying power as either the battery operated, the plugin or the rechargeable.  So that's one of the things that you have to look for when you're purchasing your vibrator.  The other things are what type of material you want.  Now, there are so many materials out there, from hard plastic, which is my favorite, because I think it gives you the most sensation.  But you have hard plastic, you Cyber Skin, which is close to that real skin feel; it's very porous, and not my favorite material, because it's pretty difficult to keep clean, but it's super soft.  You have silicone, which is is non-porous, so bacteria doesn't get into it, you can boil it as long as the vibrator compartment actually can be removed from the piece.  So silicone is another great soft material.  There's glass now, there's stainless steel, there's combination of different materials.  So that's another you'd be looking for.  There are vibrators that are curved to hit your G spot or your prostate, depending upon where you're using it, and other vibrators that are small enough to find on finger.  Some that look like lipstick.  It's all a matter of knowing what kind of things you want.  And I think the most important things are the material, and then also do you care about using batteries?  Batteries are the more portable, usually, and the rechargeables too, are more portable.  The rechargeables are going to cost you a lot more money, which is, what you are saying, there are a whole slew of toys now that are rechargeable, that range from 50 dollars to 500 dollars, depending upon the vibrator.  And this is the line that's pretty exciting, because there are tons of geeks making sex toys, and some of my favorites are... well, my ultimate favorite, just in its concept, is the OhMiBod, because it's so funny, you actually plug it into your iPod and get off.  So I love the concept.  As far as vibration I think it depends upon the song.  For me, the best vibrator, the one I use, is called the Eroscillator, which is another higher end product.  Its claim to fame is that it's endorsed by Dr. Rugh, and it looks like a gold vibrator; I mean a gold toothbrush, I should say, or a gold vibrator, I guess, because it is a vibrator.  And you basically plug it in it, and it has three speeds, but it's really quiet, it's got just enough power, and it can go to a lot more power, and it's great to use for me with a partner.  It's a easy vibe to just slip in there.  So even though it's big, it works well.  And then there's a whole that is made of out heavy metals and stainless steel and chrome, and JimmyJane, which is a luxury sex company, I call them luxury sex products.  Their thing is that they have a replaceable motor, so if your motor dies, you don't have to throw away your case, you can just get a new motor, and keep your beautiful, you know, $200 vibrator.  And also the other thing is that a lot of vibrators now have tons of functions.  So that it's not just on, off, or 1, 2, 3, speeds, it's on, off, pulse, you know, ripple, pulse and ripple, pulse on one of the vibe, thump on the other.  So there's just a lot of product. I think this year at Babe Land, the biggest seller so far has been the Form 6, and this is a vibe that has six speed, six functions, and five levels of intensity.  And it has it has two buttons so that you can either put the motor on one end, the other, or both.  So there's so many options now when it comes to vibration, and what's nice is that that vibrator is stainless steel, and medical grade silicone, and while you can't boil it because it's got all the parts inside of it, it's a really, really fantastic, durable material.

Patti: Wow.

Jamye: I know, I feel like I've just said a mouthful.

Patti: No, no, no.  It's truly good.  I thought that was fascinating.  So if somebody were new to vibrators, you know, if a man wanted to buy a gift, or this was a woman's first one, do you know by what criterion would he or she go ahead and buy one.  Would they just call Babe Land or their local store or just go online and just kind of use their instincts?  How would you make your first...  Or I guess they could buy your book, which of course is a phenomenal guide to all of this.  But other than that, how would they shop for one?

Jamye: Well, this is what I tell people when they come in the store, is that, if this is your first vibrator, or this is your partner's first vibrator, you don't want to go all out, unless you know that this is the only thing they ever wanted.  Because if you spend 200 dollars on a vibrator, and it doesn't work for your or your partner, you're going to be disappointed, and you're not going to go back and try and find something that does work, necessarily, because here you're thinking for 200 dollars this should have given me mind-blowing orgasms.  So what I tell people to do is start with something very basic, and just see if you or your partner likes the vibration.  Something like the "Pocket Rocket," which is a small one speed vibrator, but it's such a great vibrator.  And you basically would just use this on her or your clitoris.  And then you can also try, or for guys, a lot of guys like vibration under balls, in the perineum area, another great place the Pocket Rocket is small perfect vibe.  Or a slim line, which any company makes; just a hard plastic vibrator that's long and straight so that you can use it for penetration if you want, and it also varies in speed with the dial on the bottom, which is another thing that you think about when you're shopping is how many speeds do I need.  But just going with something or something soft, but something less than 50 dollars, for sure, because you don't want to be utterly disappointed by your first experience, and not go for something else.  I just think when you're going for your first one that hard plastic will vibrate better.  If you're using it to get off, most women orgasm from clitoral stimulation, with or without vaginal or other penetration.  And so you want something that is going to stimulate either your clitoris or around your clitoris.  So the hard plastic for me really has the best sensation, and it allows me to understand what vibration should feel like.  But go for something that, you know, looks appealing, if you're buying a gift for your partner you don't want to buy a vibrator that, you know, maybe has a women on the package with huge fake boobs, that's downing it in her throat, which might intimidate your partner.  You want to go for something that just looks pleasing.  I love... like there's lots of little vibes in pinks and purples or blues and reds.  You know, find something that has some color to it.  Maybe not something that resembles the genitals right away.  Go with something that, you know, that she could feel safe just hiding in her drawer if that's a concern to her.  So like the Pocket Rocket is so good because it doesn't really... it looks, I guess it looks like a vibrator now, because I don't know what else it would look like.  But it was designed at one point to be a scalp massager, but I swear if you put that up to your scalp you'd have a headache.  But it's small, and it's about the size of a large lip gloss.  And so it's easy to put in your pocket, it's easy to hide somewhere, and they come in white, pink, or blue.  So you're just looking for something simple to start.  And then when your partner knows what they like, or when you know what you like, you can really move up and try the bells and whistles, which are great.  But I find that for a first timer going with something simple, and something inexpensive will just make it easier to transition.

Patti: Well that's really, really, good advice.  I also wanted to talk briefly about dildo, because that's clearly another big staple.  Some trends in the dildo market?

Jamye: Well the biggest trends in the dildo market lately have been coming from Vixen and Tantus.  They are both making new materials.  VixSkin is the Vixen material, and Tantus is the Dual Density 2.0, or something.  But basically what they're doing, because I was talking a little bit about Fiberskyn, which is the closest to the real skin feel.  The problem with Fiberskyn is that it's really hard to keep clean.  So most people will tell you, "oh, use a condom over it, when you're using your dildo that's made of this real skin feel."  And then people "welll, then why am I buying a toy if I have to use a condom on it."  Using a condom keeps your sex toy clean forever, because you can just throw it out and go to a new one.  But the VixSkin and the Dual Density are combining the elements of silicone, the non-porous, easy to clean material, with the feel of Fiberskyn.  So this is the newest trend dildo, dildonics, or whatever you want to call it.  But it's really about the real skin with the hygienic clean.

Patti: Oh, wow, so that's exciting.  How about the glass products, are they... they're pretty popular still.

Jamye: Oh, and they're gorgeous.  You can keep those out on your table and no one would know what you used it for.  It looks like art.  There are two types of glass, the standard glass, and the pyrex glass.  Standard glass will be a little less expensive normally, than the pyrex, but it's not... it's doesn't sustain... you can't heat it up or cool it down the way you can pyrex, which you can boil, or put in your freezer.  Regular glass will crack and shatter if you do that.  But they're both gorgeous.  Most of the pyrex stuff is made by artisans who just realized, well I'm a glass blower, and I need to make more as a glass blower, so I'm going to make sex toys, because this really does sustain their industry.  There are so many unique shapes and colors.  Phallix comes to mind, which is a large glass dildo company, and there's also a couple of... I know the Heart Breaker is another dildo I find is gorgeous, a glass dildo, because it has handblown hearts blown in.  And that's by Xhale.  So there's great, great, even...  There's gold plated glass dildos.  There's so much on the market with glass, and it's just an increasing market.

Patti: So, obviously women are getting very turned on by, and they those quite a bit.  We're going to take a quick break, to support our sponsors.  This is Dr. Patti Taylor and talking to Jamye Waxman.  Jamye's new book is "Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation," which talks a lot about sex toys, lubes, and so much more.  You can find out more about Jamye Waxman at jamyewaxman.com.

[commercial break]

Patti: We're back, and I'm Dr. Patti Taylor, and we're talking to Jamye Waxman about finding sexy gifts for your lover, and yourself.  Apparently I think I picked up a few ideas about things I want under my Christmas tree, or birthday, or anniversary, or pretty much any holiday will do for me.  I'm pretty open minded here.  So, what are men buying these days.

Jamye: Well there are so many toys for men that continue to come out on the market.  I shouldn't say "so many," because compare to what they think of as women's toys, although I think all dildos and vibrators are unisex toys, anyone can use them.  The butt is an equal opportunity oriface.  But there are a lot of new things coming out, especially in terms of prostate stimulation.  Aneros keeps topping the market, with their line of prostate stimulators.  I have not met a man who has not met an Aneros that they didn't like, if that made sense.  Yeah, I think that did.  But most men who have tried Aneros, I should say all men that have tried an Aneros product and are open and accepting and into prostate stimulation, have really found this has produced mind-blowing orgasms.  They're hard white plastic, medical grade, and they've been designed, and they continue to design new ones that are bigger, better, and fuller.  So I would definitely check out the Aneros web site.

Patti: Okay, I'm ordering ten of those.  [x]  Do they come in different sizes?

Jamye: They do.  There's all different styles.  The MGX is a smaller, the Helix is a little bigger, the Progasm is for the guy who has tried the other, or knows he likes big things.  So there are at least, I think, five different sizes at this point.  And I know that they're working on one for both men and women that should be out, if it's not out now, you know, it should have been out this summer, so it should be out soon.  And the other things are, well masturbation sleeves, which have been around for a long time, but I teach a "how to give better head" workshop in New York, and one of the things I love about masturbation sleeves is what guys like when they're either using their hands, or when someone else is using their hands or their hands or their mouth on them, is warmth, moisture, and pressure.  And a masturbation sleeve offers these things.  You put a little lube in the sleeve, and then put it on over his erection, and then move up and down, and it gives this tight, warm feeling.  What's great though, too, is if you're going down your partner, and you don't like to go down as far, you can't, you have anxiety or whatever, the masturbation sleeve acts as a blocker, and you can use your mouth only as far as you need to go, and then you have the masturbation sleeve to do the rest.  So they're fantastic in that sense, and they're also just fun.  There's a larger version called the Fleshlight, which literally looks like a ginormous flashlight, and it comes with either a mouth, pussy lips, or a butthole, and the guy would stick his penis in there, and put a vibrating egg on the other end for vibration if he wants it, and use that as another masturbation sleeve.  And you can definitely, online, get images of the Fleshlight, because I'm not doing it justice.  Then there's also one of my favorite things, vibrating cock rings, which are great for both men and for men and their partners, because you can put this cock ring over the base of the shaft, or the shaft and balls.  With the vibration, if you're using it alone he can... there's usually a little vibrating egg as part of the toy, and what he can then do is put the vibrating egg, either against his balls if that feels good, or up more, but it will still vibrate the shaft if he even flips it over and it's just kind of lying against his belly.  And then with a partner, if your partner is female, and has a clitoris, what you would do, you would put the vibrating egg where it would hit the clit, as you're going up and down, and having sex.  And so she's getting vibration, and your shaft is also getting some vibration while you're having intercourse.  And for cock rings, a lot of people will ask if they will prolong an erection, and sometimes they will, they will definitely make him a little bit more hard, and they will also change his orgasm.  They will keep blood flowing in, but not out.  But it won't necessarily make you last a whole lot longer; if that's what you're looking for then I'd say practicing some Masters & Johnston techniques of stopping before you're at the point of no return.  But they're just a great tool for changing up the sex you have.  And they also, if a man likes some pressure around the base of his shaft, the cock ring... and these are stretchy cock rings, I should say, so they're not the kind... you can cut them off.  The biggest concern you'll have with the stretchy cock ring is his hair; and so you have to just be very careful putting it on, because it can pull, depending upon how thick the band is and how much hair he has.  But for for the most part it's just this wonderful new toy that you can either, as a guy, can use alone, or with a partner can share and experience together that is hands-free at the same time.

Patti: So is this like a one size fits all, or is it like large, extra large, and magnum, or you know, how do you know what size fits.

Jamye: No, yeah, that's a great question.  With the stretchy ones it's usually a one size fits all.

Patti: Okay, good.

Jamye: I would say though, the thicker the band, the tighter it's going to be, because like Alexa Trojan makes a vibrating disposable cock ring, which is a great one to just try, and it's a thin band, so that's not going to feel as tight as...  There's another of my favorite bands, my favorite brand is called the Screaming O, and they make a lot of different ones, and they're thicker, more pulsating ones, are thicker bands, which I think is a little bit more painful for a guy who is a little bit larger, or has a lot of hair.

Patti: And what are we talking price range on these?

Jamye: Sure, well the vibrating cock ring, they will range anywhere from eight dollars to 30 dollars, depending upon the one that you choose.  So that could be a great stocking stuffer.

Patti: How about beads, that could go for men or women, right? [x] people start.

Jamye: Yeah, and I was just thinking Fun Factory, which makes a whole host of silicone products out of Germany.  They have the market on the best anal beads at this point.  They make... I love the look of FlexiFelix, which is one of their two anal beads that I know of.  And basically it's five balls that get a little bit larger with each ball, and it looks like a cartoon face at the end, which is the handle that you pull out.  A lot of people like beads because they like getting stuffed up in their backside, and then when they're having an orgasm pulling out the beads slowly so that you feel each contraction as you go.  And the FlexiFelix comes in at least three colors.  So that's a great one.  Also, the Ripple Butt Plugs are more of a butt plug which is designed to stay in place while you're having any other type of sex, and everything that goes up your butt should have a flared base, because you could lose things up your anus, and you don't want to have to go to the hospital to explain that one.  Well, maybe you do, but I wouldn't want to.  But basically the Ripple Plugs are also beads, and they get larger as the beads go down, so that if someone wants a toy that they can kind of learn to grown on, you can start with the small bead at top, and as the beads get larger you can put more inside of you as well.  And Ripple does make a large butt plug of like six balls, that's sort of like the anal beads as well.  Everything I'm talking about is silicone with the butt stuff, because of the material.  But are jelly rubber anal beads that work for first timers; you just definitely don't want to share anything you put up your butt, and you never want to go from butt to pussy, because that's just not good.

Patti: Right, now do women ever use butt beads, or is this mostly a guy thing?

Jamye: No, I think it's both.  I think women can also use them vaginally, so that's another option for them, is to use them vaginally, and feel that other, you know, the beads coming out as they orgasm vaginally as well.  The other thing ball-wise that you just reminded me, there's these things called Smart Balls, which is another Fun Factory product, which I absolutely love, because these can help you practice your Kegel exercises, your pubococcygeus muscle exercises, which I'm sure you've talked about plenty, but which are great not only because they'll change our orgasms, help you if you're incontinent, but also are great for women of the child bearing years, who actually have children, because it can help strengthen the vaginal muscles.  I mean, for me the best thing it's ever done is make my orgasms better.  But these Smart Balls, they're just two balls, they're what I call the modern girl's ben-wa balls.  And you insert them in your vagina, and then you strengthen those muscles which you find by... the first time you might want to find them by stopping and starting the flow of urine, but you definitely don't want to continue to do that, because it's just not what you're Doctor would be happy with you doing.  But once you understand those muscles, then you can learn to squeeze those muscles around the Smart Balls, or even without anything inside of you, and just strengthen your own vaginal muscles.

Patti: Yeah, well, I've actually heard that ben-wa balls or Smart Balls are making a comeback, so I guess those ancient Japanese women knew something, huh?

Jamye: Yes, absolutely, absolutely.

Patti: Well, a question mention on lubraicants.  What's hot?

Jamye: Well, I love silicone lube.  I think the biggest negative about silicone lube it it might stain your sheets.  So if you're in with somebody who has these sheets that you can not deal with getting dirty then it probably isn't for you, but there is no better lubricant than silicone.  It's the only other lubricant besides water based lubes, which are your Astroglides, your K.Y. Jelly, your Durex, which I'm mentioning only because I know these are the ones you can find in most drug stores.  But it's made of synthetic material, and a little bit lasts a long time.  My two favorites these days are Pink, which has vitatim E and Aloe Vera in it, and the other one is the Eros P.J.U.R., which has been around for as long as silicone lube has been around.  And they're just really fantastic and smooth and tasteless and odorless.  But on the other end if you're looking for a water based lube, I've really started to fall in love with the Sliquid series, and all glycerine free lubricants.  Glycerine is a sugar, so if you're prone to yeast infections or urinary tract infections, you may want to stay away from glycerine, unless you've been using it all along and it's fine.  The Sliquid series, they just have a really nice consistency.  My biggest complaint is that if you rub them in your hands they can get a little foamy, so if you're with a foamy you don't know that well and you don't want them to think you're foaming, it might not be the best lube.  But they make a lot of amazing flavors like Blue Raspberry and Cherry Vanille and Sour Apple, and they're pretty yummy.

Patti: I have to say, I have buy lube by the case, or even by boxes of 16, so if you don't have your lubes lined up, you don't even really go past the starting gate.

Jamye: Right, do you have a favorite?

Patti: Do I have a favorite?  Well, yeah, I have several favorites.  I have a water based, I have a silicone based, it depends upon what my activity is.  I have different things for different activities, so that's just what you all say, but I agree with you that women with yeast problems should definitely not glycerine and I think you should... I think different people have different needs.  Some people... and it's kind of controversial.  I think people should do research on lube, because some people feel strongly against silicone, because they feel they can't wash it off, and some people love silicone and go "hey, never been a problem for me, ever," and swear by it, and other people...  I'm in that category, but other people...  I think part of it is what you believe is what you find and other people really...  And I love the organic natural stuff, so I'm just going to leave it at that, and I think there's something for everone.  Anyway, we're going to take a break.  So, a lot of food for thought here, and certainly a lot to go out and buy or get.  I know I got some great ideas from all of that.  We're talking to Jamye Waxman, and Jamye's new book is "Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation," which just might be the perfect gift right there, since it discusses a schmorgasborg of delights.  You can find out more about Jamye at jamyewaxman.com.  So please stay with us.

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Patti: We're back, and I'm Dr. Patti Taylor, and we're talking to Jamye Waxman about finding sexy gifts for your lover and yourself.  Before your break we were talking about toys for me, and also lubes.  I wanted to talk about how to buy a toy.  Is it best to go into the store, or is online the way to go?

Jamye: I think it just depends on your comfort and knowledge around what you're looking for.  If you live in a place...  Because the unfortunate thing is a lot of us don't live near big cities or places that have these sex positive shops.  But if you live in a place you can go into a, say, Baby Land, or a Good Vibes, or Smitten Kitten, or whatever the shop is, if you live in spot, like in an area like that, go into the store so that someone can help you.  What I love about Babe Land is that you can actually touch all the vibrators, and the lubricants.  You can't use them, but you can put them on and see what everything feels like so that you can get an idea of the vibration.  And you can also if you stick a vibrator... I used to do it on my nose just to feel the intensity of the vibration, it can give you an idea of what it might feel like on other parts of our body.  So if you can get in, to get someone to give you that initial tour, that's great.  If you can't, there are so many places online now where you can go and get reviews of sex toys, and hear what other real people are thinking about different products.  And lots of places even have their own downloadable guides and reviews.  So I think that getting into the store the first time so you can actually see and touch things is a fantastic idea.  But if you can't, it's not the end of the world.  Shopping online is so easy and such a great way to do things these days, too.

Patti: Yeah, and I would imagine that if a couple were going to... one of the couple were going to buy a gift for the other, it probably might make sense, rather than make it a surprise, to actually talk about it with your partner and make it a fun, sexy, shopping together kind of thing.

Jamye: Absolutely.  I think there are so many ways to do that, too.  If you guys can take a trip to a store, then that makes it really fun, and you can talk about the toys that you would like to try, or not like to try, even if you're not buying them all on that day, you can also...  I'm a big fan of if I get a catalogue, just browsing through it, sitting down with your partner one day, even if it's an online catalog, going to a couple of sections, and picking your five, of each toy.  So that you guys have something to use for now, especially with the holiday season, to actually go and buy some of these toys.  And then for future reference, knowing what else your partner might be willing to try.  Because you can look at your vibrators, you can look at dildos, you can also look at some bondage toys, like nipple clamps, and floggers, and canes, and these might be a little farther down the road for some couples who are starting to use sex toys.  But just getting an idea of where you can go is not a bad idea.

Patti: Right, maybe if you're not thinking along those lines, just kind of going in the store, and look at where we went, and you saw a pair of hand cuffs, and not like you were going to use them, but might make you kind of spice up your day a little bit.

Jamye: Exactly.

Patti: Be kind of fun.

Jamye: Exactly.

Patti: So anyway, before we go, I'd like to just talk for a moment about your book, "Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation", which, by the way, covers a lot of the toys that we actually talked about today.  It actually just came out last month, this month, and it talks about a lot of the toys in here.  It's absolutely beautiful.  But you also talk about a woman's guide to masturbation, and I love it really empowers them into explore themselves, and in addition to toys you cover fantasy, and DVD's, and lots of other stuff.  Just staying relevant to our topic of gifts and toys and stuff, what do you these products do to help encourage women to take that leap to feel empowered into self exploration.

Jamye: Well, I'll say I wrote the book for a lot of reasons, but one of them was that I didn't my first orgasm until I was 21.  And I was sexually active from 16 up.  So I was having intercourse by 16, but I wasn't having orgasm.  And my first orgasm, I gave to myself after I ordered my first slimline vibrated, and I understood what an orgasm was, and how I was the one responsible for my own pleasure, really, ultimately before anyone else was.  And so that's where I think a lot of the tie-in comes for me, is that it wasn't working, I didn't understand.  What I love about the book is the book will help you use your hands as well, and give you a lot of insight into things that you can do to just make yourself feel more empowered.  But with regard to sex toys I feel that I really wasn't as empowered sexually until I got my first sex toy, and learned how to use it on myself.  And so there's a lot to be said there when you get to just spend 10 minutes, 15 minutes, an hour, whatever it is, alone with your body, and if there's something like a sex toy that got me off in less than five minutes, and then allowed me to continue to explore sensations, why not go there, why not try it at least once.  And so I feel like that's part of the message of the big is just try it go there for yourself, not for anybody else and see what the results are; if you don't like something, you never have to do it again.  But if you're curious about anything, whether it be how to pleasure yourself, whether it be how to use a vibrator or a dildo or whatever it is, just do it.

Patti: Well, it's really an amazing book.  You do have a lot of links in here to female masturbation on the big screen, lots of movies that watch; they're mainstream movies like "Water for Chocolate," "Body Double," "Slackers," "The O in Ohio," "Mulholland Drive."

Jamye: I mean "Pleasantville."  I wrote a whole little section on Pleasantville.  I had to actually be reminded of this scene, and then I went and rented it.  There's this beautiful scene where this mother in this 1950's "Leave it to Beaver" sort of house discovers an orgasm.  And the whole movie is black and white up until this point.  And all of a sudden she orgasms, and a tree bursts into flames.  And it just is really symbolic to me of female orgasm, and this power of actually embracing our own sexuality, because, the book goes into this a lot, too...  Religion for so many years, and continues to in some ways, has always tried to sort of block our own sexual freedom.  And the reason I believe that this is the case is because our sexual freedom is power, and we need that power, and when we have that power we thrive, and if we get that power taken away, other things thrive.  I think knowing ourselves and our sexuality is the best gift we can give to ourselves, really.

Patti: Well, that's a great, great gift tie-in, and I just want to say in the back of the book there's an incredible compendium of different places online where you can go and buy gifts, and also web sites which have great blogs, and toy shops, and everything else.  So, I just wanted to say that giving the gift of self love to yourself is also an amazing gift.  It definitely felt right to add that in there.  So we're almost out of time.  I want to ask you one final question.  You're so committed to sex education, what is the most rewarding thing about that for you, or one of the most rewarding things.

Jamye: Oh, well, one of the most rewarding things is definitely just being able to receive other people's comments, concerns, questions.  For me, the most fulfilling parts of my career right are when I talk to regular women or men who don't know who else to go to about something.  I had a thirty-something year old man at a class not too long ago, say, "so where is the clitoris again."  And the fact that some people said to me, "I can't believe he didn't know where the clitoris was," and I said, "no, no, don't you understand, he was comfortable enough to make sure he knew."  And just the idea that I'm here and I'm not judging and I'm all about making everybody feel more comfortable sexually, and that if I... I think that's the most fulfilling thing, if I can make someone more comfortable, open them up to some new experience, or some idea, or just let them understand that they're not abnormal for something they like or don't like, then I've done more than my job.  I feel very lucky to be here, I don't feel like I've chosen to be a sexuality educator, at least not originally, I feel like it was a path that was chosen for me, and I'm very fortunate to be on this path.

Patti: Well, thank you very much.  I feel we're very fortunate today to have gotten this incredible hit of inspiration.

Jamye: Well, thank you so much, Patti.

Patti: You can find more about Jamye by going on her website jamywaxman.com, where can get Jamye's newsletter, podcast, blog, all her other books, sign up to her stuff, find out about her really hot and juicy courses, if you're anywhere near New York.  And her book is "Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation."  So thank you one again, Jamye, for sharing with us today, all your succulent and fun ideas.

Jayme: Thank you so much.

Patti: I hope our listeners try lots of them.  And that brings us to the end of our show.  Thank you listeners for listeners.  Please send me email at [email protected]  Be sure to subscribe to Expanded Lovemaking show to get new shows as soon as they come out.  For text and transcripts of this show and other show on the Personal Life Media Network, please visit our web site personallifemedia.com.  Come post a blog comment on our blog page at personallifemedia.com, too.  Or call with comments, requests, and suggestions, at (206) 350-5333.  Also please visit me at expandedlovemaking.com, where you can join my mailing list and find out more about my products, services, and events.  This is your host, Dr. Patti Taylor.  That's all for now.  I remain yours, in ever expanded lovemaking.  And I'll see you next week.