Episode 79: 8-point Enlightened Guide to Sexual Healing (Part One) with David Cates

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In the show, Dr. Patti talks to David Cates, a Tantra “teacher of teachers”, and a professional who works with sexual healers. How many people have you known who have had some sexual issues, and whom you wanted to help? Or are you wishing someone would help you through some passages? Today we get to talk to someone whose passion in life, and lifelong specialty, is to teach sexual healers how give just this type of expert assistance. First you'll get an exercise that David recommends couples can practice to enhance connection and bonding. Then, you will learn about David's eight point guide to sexual healing, using as an example of what happens when a couple is on a date, and the man inadvertently touches the woman's G-spot and old stories and memories are unexpectedly unleashed. Learn how you can respond, lovingly, to minimize further trauma, and create safety, love, compassion, and even continuance of intimacy. As David says, he's only met two women out of the thousands he's ever met, who haven't had some old stories come up to be processed during intimate encounters. Find out how to remain present as the giver or healer during all this activity.

Transcript

Announcer: This program is intended for mature audiences only.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Welcome to the Expanded Lovemaking show. I am your host, Dr. Patti Taylor, and I teach you how to make exquisite love. This is Part One of a two part series. Today, we are talking about the 8-point Enlightened Guide to Sexual Healing. How many people have you known who have had some sexual issues and whom you've wanted to help, or are you wishing someone would help you through some passages?

Well, today, we get to talk to someone whose passion in life and lifelong specialty is to teach sexual healers how to give just his type of expert assistance. I am so glad to welcome on the show our guest, David Cates. So, hi, David, and welcome to the show.

David Cates: Hi, Patti. Thanks for having me. It is great to hear your voice.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Thank you so much. Well, let me tell you about David Cates. David Cates mentors sexual healers and teachers after a long career of his own in private practice as a sexual healer. He has facilitated hundreds of workshops on sexual healing, tantra and personal growth. He is located both in Hawaii and the bay area of California and works with people in person and over the phone.

I am so glad that we have David with us here today. I picked David especially because while many of our listeners may not specifically have a job as a sexual healer I've never met anyone who hasn't wished at some point that they couldn't have some of the skills of a sexual healer. We do store a lot of emotions and memories that can get released during sex, so I think we can all learn a lot from David.

Today, David will tell us as a professional healer to healers what he teaches his own clients. What an exciting show. Let's get started.

So, David, welcome again and can you just tell us a little bit: what do you do as a sexual healer?

David Cates: What I do as a sexual healer is help people become more aware of what is really going on in their own bodies. It is amazing how many people simply aren't aware of the whole spectrum of feelings and sensations and activities that are available to them, it seems.

Dr. Patti Taylor: What kinds of feelings are people not aware of? Obviously, they are probably aware of the obvious ones.

David Cates: I think so much of our sexual stories are impacted by the culture and pornography and sex in the media that I think people have a pretty clear idea of what those kinds of activities are like. But, there's a whole private inner realm that can open up, that a lot of people just skim the surface of.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Can you give us an example?

David Cates: I think that a lot of people - well, actually no, not especially women - it's women and men are so focused on their performance and on what they are doing and how what they are doing is being received by their partners that they miss out on the whole universe of inside extra sensation that is going on for them.

Dr. Patti Taylor: That's great. So, what would be inside sensation?

David Cates: Well, if you are focused on what your hands are doing, for example, to your partner, what your lips are doing to your partner, your attention is going out, outward into the world.

This is one of the biggest exercises that I do with my clients, is to have them take turns giving and receiving so that when they are receiving they are able to let go. Just close their eyes. Stop thinking about the other person entirely and just pull the attention back into... Every organ in your body is impacted by this, the circulatory system. All kinds of emotions are tied together and all come up during this kind of exercise.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Wow, that sounds like a great exercise. How might that work because I'll bet a lot of our listeners could possibly just go home and do that right away? Let's say you and I went home tonight. What would you do? Maybe, you could paint it out for us.

David Cates: Well, Patti, what I would do - let's just say I went home with you tonight and we were going to be doing this exercise. The first thing would be to have an agreement about time.

Let's say that we were going to have an hour together of uninterrupted time. During that hour we would agree that you would get half an hour and I would get half an hour. We would trade off roles of being the giver and the receiver.

Dr. Patti Taylor: And then what?

David Cates: So, then let's say it is your turn to receive. Then, you would be lying on the bed or the kitchen table or the massage table or whatever your preferred place is for this activity. Your only job would be to breathe deeply and to feel your own feelings and sensations.

There's not really going to be any communication. You're not talking back to me. You're not guiding me. You're not worried about whether I'm getting bored or whether I'm doing something that I want to do or don't want to do. You are just going to lay there and breathe and silently receive whatever touch it is that I choose to share with you.

Dr. Patti Taylor: I want to stay with this example because this sounds really rich. Now, I am wondering if a lot of our listeners at this point are thinking, well that sounds very simplistic. What's the richness here? What could happen that is profound out of this?

David Cates: Great question. What I've seen happen before is people begin to connect up. There are always things going on inside of them, and they finally begin to connect up. So, you notice what is happening with your heartbeat. You notice what is happening with the arousal in your own genitals, any other erogenous zones that are being turned on. If you stay with this and keep breathing, what is going to happen is emotions are going to start rising up inside of those sensations.

Dr. Patti Taylor: And now what? You are breathing. You are aroused. The emotions are coming out. All of this is just coming from the simple touch, and I think, maybe, just we've created the time and the space, and people don't do that.

David Cates: I think that is hugely important or... I think that is hugely important for sex in general but certainly for any kind of sexual healing. We've trained ourselves to pay so much attention to the outside world that it is really difficult to not have one ear cupped for the phone ringing or the kids coming up the steps or how much noise you're making that the neighbors might hear. All of this distracts from the kind of healing that I am talking about.

Dr. Patti Taylor: So, I want to find out what happens when the 'you know what' hits the fan. I think we have a great setup here because even something as simple as a touch, whether it's non-genital or certainly if it's genital can just touch off a cascade of things.

We're going to take a short break. Stay with us because I want to work this in with your 8-point Enlightened Guide and see what our listeners might draw upon if things start to unravel at this point. We are talking to David Cates. You can find out more about him. He has an amazing website, dakacoach.com, d-a-k-a-c-o-a-c-h.com. I believe he will send you his Enlightened Guide. It's an amazing guide. We're going to talk about it coming up, so please stay with us.

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Dr. Patti Taylor: We are back and we are just in this moment where we are touching someone, yeah. Let's say that things start to unravel. Is this a good time to possibly take a break for a moment and talk about your 8-point Enlightened Guide to Sexual Healing and look at the eight points because what I got when I read that is that any one of your eight suggestions might be appropriate?

David Cates: Yeah, Patti, I think that they are all relevant. They all approach the same situation from a different angle.

Dr. Patti Taylor: It's all linear. First do the first one or do the second, right?

David Cates: Not at all. It is very holistic.

Dr. Patti Taylor: So, maybe, you could just go through them and see how they might apply to this situation, OK? Let's just say that either you were touching the person on their arm and they were breathing, but it could also be that you were touching, maybe, a woman's G-spot or a man's prostate, right?

David Cates: Absolutely. In fact, you have hit the two biggest trigger spots that I found in my work. When you are vaginally inside of a woman or when you go inside of a man's anus, that is when you really start bringing up the old forgotten issues.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Let's just fast forward. It was a great exercise to do this. Probably if you just want to initiate some kind of warm-up, it's great to take that time and space. But, let's just say for whatever reason you are doing this other stuff and stuff comes up. Let's take a look at... Maybe, you can just read off your list and then we'll just kind of look at some of them one by one. Does that make sense, possibly?

David Cates: Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Because it is such an amazing list.

David Cates: I may riff on this a little today.

Dr. Patti Taylor: That's fine. It's a hologram, you know. There is no order to them, really. It's life, right? Life is chaotic.

David Cates: Let me just go back to that exercise for a moment because there is something that you can notice when you are doing this. It will clue you into the hologram that I am talking about here. What we're looking for is where in your body is there a pulse happening? Where is there a flow? Where are things moving, and where in your body is there contraction and holding or something being frozen?

This happens when you are touching a partner, and you are paying attention. You can really feel it, even if you're just on an arm or a breast. You can feel when someone stiffens and doesn't want to be in the moment with the experience that is happening.

Conversely, you can feel when someone is opening to that moment of touch, and there is that rhythmic flow that begins to happen. And the whole body becomes involved in movement.

Dr. Patti Taylor: So, for now let's just stick with a woman and, maybe, later on we'll go and work with the man, OK? So, we have our beloved woman partner and your hand - you say is the most common places - you have your hand inside her yoni or her vagina or, maybe, you are touching her G-spot and you feel this stiffness. There is no flow. There is no pulse. Now what?

David Cates: What I do at that point, and this is really the key to the whole thing, is to back up a little bit and find an area where there is pulse and flow and movement. So, that might mean you might move into a different spot inside the yoni. It might mean you move out of the yoni a little bit and find a spot somewhere in the labia, or, maybe, you have to go somewhere else on the pelvis or even down the legs until you find a spot that opens up and where your beloved partner begins to breathe in a relaxed fashion again.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Now, I'm going to back up for a moment. That's really beautiful, and that's really profound. I'm wondering - I think our listeners are going to say: how do you acquire that capacity of distinction if you are already giving her G-spot stimulation? How would you be able to feel whether she is pulsing or not, you know what I'm saying? Maybe, you need to look at external clues to figure out - or how would you know if she's locking up?

David Cates: That's great. I am really glad you asked that, Patti, because the clues are very external. They are subtle clues, for sure, but also just watching the breasts, watching the rise and fall of the chest; how much air is coming into the lungs; how relaxed the breathing is or how forced it is or if the breath is being held. That's one really major clue.

Dr. Patti Taylor: So, if you are giving a woman pleasure you need to really be paying attention.

David Cates: Yeah. The breath tells you everything. The breath tells you how present someone is or how distant they are.

Dr. Patti Taylor: It blows my mind sometimes that people are careless not intentionally, but they don't realize that when they are touching the sacred cave that they are going into the archives of someone's life. And they might accidentally go down into the library and check out the wrong volume or something. You need to be aware of that, right?

David Cates: Oh, Patti, I am blown away. That is the most beautiful way to put it. They are going into the archives. That is exactly what happens.

Dr. Patti Taylor: What do you do? OK, you hit the wrong nerve. You took out the wrong volume, and it is a total surprise. Let's say you were having the time of your life. Now, what do you do? It was a total shock to both of you, and suddenly it was like you thought you were on your way to the tropics and suddenly it's like snowing and there's an ice storm.

David Cates: And who hasn't experienced that. Everything is going all great, and all of a sudden you can just tell somebody has dropped off.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Right.

David Cates: For the man it might be the erection goes down. For the woman it might be just a gradual dissociation and stiffening that happens. Let's talk about that.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Tears, maybe; crying.

David Cates: Yeah, there are a lot of different reactions. My belief or my experience about this is that all of our memories are stored in our body. Everything that has ever happened in your yoni there is a neurological record of that event.

Now, some of those events were pretty sensational and you loved them and they were comfortable. And some of the events for almost everyone were uncomfortable or challenging or frightening in some way. All of those memories are right there down in the archives..

Dr. Patti Taylor: Yep. We all have them.

David Cates: We all do, yes. It is just a part of being human, a part of being alive.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Well, I want to find out what we do. We're going to pause to take another break so please stay with us. We are listening to David Cates and you can find out more about David at his website, www.dakacoach.com. And I'll spell that, d-a-k-a-c-o-a-c-h.com. And it's a beautiful website so just go there. He's got some gorgeous quotes, some pictures, very inspiring. Please stay with us. We will be right back.

Announcer: Listen to Sex, Love and Intimacy, a podcast providing weekly audio workshops for your pleasure and connections on PersonalLifeMedia.com.

Dr. Patti Taylor: We're back and we're talking about the 8-point Enlightened Guide to Sexual Healing which is a beautiful guide. We may not cover all eight points, but I think we are getting some of the key issues here. What do we do?

David Cates: When we're in that moment of surprise where we've hit a nerve and some emotional experience is going off that neither party expected. In that moment, what I do depends on the magnitude of the response. If it is a gigantic response, then it's immediately backing away from all sexual activity and, if possible, moving into simple holding, comforting, cuddling. Sometimes, even that's not possible and there needs to be just a little space that is created so that each partner can regain their center.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Is it appropriate to be thinking at this point about how do I turn this into something positive?

David Cates: Absolutely. I am thinking about that the whole way through.

Dr. Patti Taylor: So, do you say anything to them; I'm really glad you are letting this out? I mean, what's the verbal track?

David Cates: The verbal track is, first of all, to be reassuring. You use a calm, comfortable voice to go into whatever is the most emotionally intimate place you feel with that person. Go into that place; use those kinds of vocal tones and words. We don't want to add gasoline to the fire. We just want them to remember they are safe and they are with someone that they love.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Can you give us some examples, like we're having this really hot date and it's just the best date, and all of a sudden I remember something for the first time ever. It's the wrong book I pulled out. What makes you say to me, suddenly, I am in shock and my eyes have glassed over and I am stiff and... So, you're done with what you suggested. You back off. You are now stroking my hair. You are holding me. What might you say to me?

David Cates: I am right here with you. You are safe. Nothing needs to happen. If you'd like to talk, I would love to hear. If you just want to be silent, I'll lay here with you in silence.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Oh, that sounds so beautiful. Keep talking [laughs].

David Cates: [Laughs] Patti, what are you doing?

Dr. Patti Taylor: Oh.

David Cates: Because what happens - one of the things to remember when you are going into the archives is that you are pulling out of... Let's say we go with this metaphor. You are pulling out volumes, and there are volumes that relate most likely to another stage of this person's life.

If you are pulling out a memory, the book may have been placed in the library when this beloved was 16-years-old or 25-years-old or 3-years-old, who knows. So, a lot of time what's happening is there will be a dramatic shift of someone becoming not their chronological age but their emotional age of whenever that event occurred.

You may be going from having a wonderful sexual time with a 40-year-old woman, and all of a sudden you've got a 10-year-old girl in your arms.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Now, you say something really beautiful which is: follow don't lead. Do you want to say more about that?

David Cates: Yeah. I think it's really important probably more so when I am working with core professional sexual healers because in that case there is a tendency to believe that we know best and we are supposed to be guiding and leading. I believe all the way across the board that whoever's body this event is occurring in is the one who knows most about how to approach it and how to deal with it.

My mantra is always follow the body. Follow the body. What is the body doing? What is the body language? Does that body want to be touched? Does it want to be left alone? How does it respond to the stroking? How is it responding to the words? To really notice those kinds of non-verbal physiological cues.

Dr. Patti Taylor: I think that's a really, really major point and that is point number seven because, you know, it's that core in terms of how do you know whether to help them go into the experience and have it be a catharsis. Maybe, they want you to actually pursue and help them go further in or actually back off, right? Don't you have to make that judgment call, really? 

David Cates: You don't have to make that judgment call. It's a request and allow the person who's freaked out to make the judgment call.

Dr. Patti Taylor: That's what I am saying, right. But, if you are there with them, don't you have to know how to honor their request? Follow don't lead.

David Cates: Can we put it back on physical bodies because I'm kind of getting lost. We were doing this as with you and I was in your yoni and one of the library books came out. And there was a moment of panic or contraction, so who's saying what at this point?

Dr. Patti Taylor: Well, I am just trying to figure out... I'm just trying to put it into the mind of the listener, but, you know, there might be a question. I might want you to keep going so I can have a really cathartic experience on the one hand, or on the other hand I might want you to back off. You're going to have to follow me, my lead, to decide what to do at that point, and that's what you are saying: follow don't lead, which I think is so profound.

David Cates: Yes, follow don't lead. You follow and there needs to be a consensus between the voice, what that person is saying to you, and the non-verbal, what that body is saying to you because sometimes they are not on the same page.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Right. So, is it ever possible that the person who is having that experience - do they ever get it together to say: please give me more. That would be great if you were having a real catharsis or trauma if you could actually verbalize the request.

David Cates: The more safe and intimate the relationship is, the more often it will happen.

Dr. Patti Taylor: I wonder if you've had any examples from your own practice of a healing that you might share with us.

David Cates: One of these examples that was very big, it happened in a group where we were doing sexual healing training, and we were working on a young woman from Israel. She is a wonderful healer in her own right and very vibrant, and we were doing a yoni exercise. And we hit one of those trigger points, and she started wailing and screaming with this banshee voice that just everyone in the room - their hairs were just standing up on the back of our necks. She went on and on and on, and she was able to look to the side to when we were engaged in that process. She was asked, "Do you want to keep going?" She was like, "Yes, yes, keep going" and then she'd go back to this screaming and wailing.

After the experience, after she had completed all that release which was mostly verbal for her, although there was some physical shaking, too, she reported that she was seeing images from her family album of women going back, her mother, her grandmother, her great-grandmother. It was almost like she was releasing a whole lineage of pain from the women in her family.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Oh, wow. What a great story. I'll bet that is not that uncommon, is it?

David Cates: It's not, no. It is all connected together

Dr. Patti Taylor: We're going to bring this show to a close. The good news is we have another show to complete our conversation so do stay with us.

Before we do bring the show to a close, I want to know if you can share something with our listeners, if you can have one thought or inspirational thing or something you loved to say at the end of the show to leave with our listeners.

David Cates: Oh, be kind to yourself with your sexuality. You don't need to force or perform for anyone. Just be kind and follow your own body.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Wow. That's really beautiful. I love that. It is short and simple and sweet.

Well, thank you so much, David. We are going to close the show with that. Thank you so much for coming on today. We have been talking with David Cates. You can find out more about him at his website, dakacoach.com, d-a-k-a-c-o-a-c-h.com.

Before we do go, I was just going to ask you for your help. I would love to find out more about who my listeners are. I want to find out about you and who you are because it helps me support the work I love to do for you. If you will go to survey.personallifemedia.com and take the survey, it's fast and easy. I did it, and it helps me out, and I would love that. So, thank you.

Thank you for listening. This does bring us to the end of the show. Please send me email at [email protected]. For text and transcripts of this show and other shows, please visit our website at PersonalLifeMedia.com and visit me, Dr. Patti Taylor, at ExpandedLovemaking.com.

That's all for now. I remain yours in ever Expanded Lovemaking, and I'll see you next week.

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