Episode 78: What Men Really Want in the Bedroom (Part Two) with Susan Crain Bakos

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In the show, Dr. Patti talks to Susan Crain Bakos, prolific author and sex educator, about what men really want in the bedroom. She reveals the questions men continuously asking her on her blog, and how these questions have changed over the years. What do men want, and how can women give men what they want? Learn what men want the most: the things that trump all other requests! Find out how Susan gets “dict-matized”, and in so doing, acquires the ability to give blow jobs that are a true love affair! Listen as she role-plays moment-by-moment what goes on in her mind as she and her “beloved penis” commune. Find out how to use the Orgasm Loop (or become otherwise orgasmic) while giving a man oral sex. Learn other techniques for giving a man pleasure as well. Discover the messages from Tantra that women, singles, men, and couples are enjoying from Susan’s new book, and what men can learn from Tantra.

Transcript

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Dr. Patti Taylor: Welcome to the “Expanded Lovemaking” show! I’m your host, Dr. Patti Taylor, of ExpandedLovemaking.com and I teach you how to make exquisite love.  This is part two of a two part series.  So, today we’ll be talking about what men really want in the bedroom.  I think it’s only fair to give some air time to the men’s desires too.  I think a world where men are gratified way beyond their wildest dreams has just got to be a juicier and more loving world for all of us. So, here to help us learn how to give more to the guys is our guest today, Susan Crain Bakos.  Hi, Susan!

Susan Crain Bakos: Hi!

Dr. Patti Taylor: Hi, welcome to the show!

Susan Crain Bakos: Oh, thank you for having me.  The last one was so much fun!  I’m looking forward to this.

Dr. Patti Taylor: It was so much fun.  Well, we’ve talked a little bit about Susan.  I’ll just say once again, she’s an out-spoken champion of sexual empowerment for both women and men.  She a research sexologist, sex educator, a journalist and her most recent best selling book she’s written for this ??? alone and fifteen altogether and many, many more, includes The Sex Bible: The Complete Guide to Sexual Love and The New Tantra Simple and Sexy.  So, in today’s show we’ll find out what Susan recommends to please the men and we’ll discover ways in which a woman can use giving pleasure to a man to get pleasure for herself.  We’ll have details, details, details, and in the end we’ll also talk about Tantra. So, let’s get going.  Um, Susan, do you think men are getting enough, uh, airplay these days or media representation, uh or just are people talking enough about men’s pleasure in general?

Susan Crain Bakos: No, I don’t think so. It’s all about women. It’s all about women’s pleasure and partly that’s because our century sex was really designed to please men, that men had to ejaculate, women didn’t have to have an orgasm to procreate and it’s only in more recent times that we’ve gotten away from that strict model of procreation as the defining model of sexuality.  So, women have more probably more issues with sexuality and talk about it more freely and we write about it more freely.  I’m sure you’ve noticed, isn’t everybody writing about sex practically a woman? There’s Dr. Ian Kerner, and the rest of us girls.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Well, not only that, but I know when I wrote my book I was told um don’t even bother writing expanded orgasm for men because only women buy the books.

Susan Crain Bakos: Only women buy the books, it’s true. Men, but here’s the interesting thing about my blog, all my blog readers, I keep trying to get to post comments on the blog, but they hit the email thing and they want private relationships with me.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Hahaha, you’re killing me.

Susan Crain Bakos: Big surprise.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Go on.

Susan Crain Bakos: But a lot of them are men, particularly young men and they have a lot of questions about pleasing their women and that really surprised me. I did not expect to have such a following among young men in their twenties and thirties want to know how to do this and how to do that and how to do it better and what am I doing wrong if she doesn’t like this? One week I got three emails from men in different parts of the country with the same situation, like I really want to have more oral sex in my life.  I love performing cunnilingus. I love going down on her and she doesn’t like it that much and she won’t let me do it that much.  What can I do? What am I doing wrong?  Three letters in one week, just almost identical concerns from these three guys who’ve been writing to me.  That led me to conclude that in suburbs all over America the men are willing to serve and the women just want sleep.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Well, yeah, it’s just puzzling to me why there’s not more published out there for the men, you know either why the women aren’t buying…

Susan Crain Bakos: Part of it is that they won’t buy it. They seek it out more online-

Dr. Patti Taylor: Ah.

Susan Crain Bakos: Than they do in bookstores.  They tend not to buy the books so much.  They’re not doing- it’s sort of like asking for directions, I guess, when they’re driving, but yet they will personally one on one ask directions of me.  They will ask me to send them detailed directions on how and I say, it’s in my book. Go buy it.

Dr. Patti Taylor: So, your books are very visual.  I was just wondering what kind of things have you found that men want to know about, cause you do have a really gorgeous blog.

Susan Crain Bakos: Men want to know how to get her to do things they want to do. That’s been, that’s been a standard since I’ve been writing about sex for over twenty years, but how it’s shifted this way, over twenty years ago it was all about how do I get her to perform blow jobs more often and longer and better. Now it’s equally how do I get her to let me do this and tell me what she wants so I can give her more oral sex. So that is the big change I’ve seen there in the last couple of decades.  It’s a really big change and the other thing is, of course, and porn films accelerate this, they want to try anal sex; they want to at least have, entertain the idea of a threesome, they want to watch her with another girl, on and on and on.  They want to do these things but what they’re, the big thing is if they can get more oral they can let a lot of things go and be happy.  Really.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, so let’s start with oral then and we’ll see how far we progress.  What, what, what uh what can we say about oral?  What do guys like and how does a woman get more pleasure out of giving oral?

Susan Crain Bakos: Okay, well we’ll talk about him pleasing her first because that’s what we started with and then we’ll go to her pleasing him.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay.

Susan Crain Bakos: Him pleasing her. I think she needs to be more instructive.  If he’s not doing it in a way that pleases her then she’s got to let him know what does please her, in a very tactful and a subtle way, but she’s got to let him know.  It’s got to be, you know, moving her hips against his lips in a certain way or pulling his head down or asking him to try this or do that or buying a book and reading it together, but she’s got to get more specific.  That is a problem women have in giving specific directions to guys.  Either they do it in almost a military insulting fashion or they just don’t do it at all.  They just lie there and be disappointed. So, that’s what women have to do, they have to be specific about what they want and not be shy about telling them.  If it means they have to have a glass of wine and relax and use a book and whatever they have to do, but they have to be specific. 
Now when it comes to pleasing him, they need to pay a lot more attention to his responses, to see exactly what strokes of the hand and the mouth get him off.  Women don’t pay that much attention.  They learn how to do a blow job in middle school and they’re still doing that one.  It’s that same old in, out, in, out, fast as I can, get it done.  There’s no technique, there’s no finesse.  I think my personal suspicion is most people are not very good lovers. They’re merely adequate at best and in fact many are very bad and it’s all about technique.  Sex therapists have always approached this from the wrong angle as far as I’m concerned.  They insist on talking about the relationship.  If you just sit down with people and give them some sex techniques that make the sex better everything else gets better and whatever the issues are, it’s easier for them to talk about them because they’ve got something there that’s working.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Well it sounds to me like what you’re saying is if a woman could learn how to enjoy the act of giving and really…

Susan Crain Bakos: Yes, you’ve got to learn how to enjoy it, you can’t fake it. A man, um I mean I love to suck dick and I have, I can get dick-matized.  I have been dick-matized in my life where Harlan, Ross and I defined this when we used to pod-cast together.  Dick-matized is when you are so into that particular dick, you are just so into that dick, but you’ll put up with the guy even if he’s not what you want or he’s not a jerk, but you just want the dick.  We think women don’t get that way, but women do and you can come to sucking a guy. I mean, you’re so into that dick

Dr. Patti Taylor:  Okay, well I want to come back to that, no pun intended, in a moment.  We need to take a break.  Um, so I know you’ll stay with us for this one.  We’re talking with Susan Crain Bakos and she’s the author of The Sex Bible: The Complete Guide to Sexual Love as well as The New Tantra Simple and Sexy.  So please stay with us. We’ll be right back. You can find out more um, also about Susan at SexyPrime.Typepad.com.

(Commercial Break)

Dr. Patti Taylor: We’re back and so I want to find out are you using, uh, Tantric energy techniques when you’re getting into a man’s dick or a focus or a tension?  I mean, what do you do?

Susan Crain Bakos: When I get that into that mans dick I think it just all comes natural.  It’s um, it is a focus. It is kind of a Tantric energy focus, but it’s a natural focus.  It’s not something I’ve had to program.  It just happens.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, so you’re getting very much into present time.  Walk us through it so we can see your train of thought.  You know, maybe role, uh, this is like reality pod-casting.  Let’s say you’re with a guy and you’ve got the dick of your dreams in your hands. What’s going through your mind?  Can you kind of like, play by play with us here?

Susan Crain Bakos: Oh, I just want to smell it. I want to touch it. I want to suck it. I want to feel it. I just want it everywhere all at once.

Dr. Patti Taylor: And what’s the dick doing in your mind?

Susan Crain Bakos:  It’s what I’m doing to the dick in my mind.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay.

Susan Crain Bakos: When I’m that into that dick it’s what I’m doing to that dick.  I know all it’s little places.  I know everything. I know exactly where to touch it. I know every place.  Every man is different.  There are some things like sucking the head and swirling your tongue around the corona and flicking your tongue across the frenulum and T-bagging the balls, you know taking one ball into your mouth one at a time.  Those things work with every guy, but then there are little places on each man’s penis that are special to him.  My lover who had me so dick-matized for eighteen months, I could make him cum a couple of times with a blow job and I could make him cum a third time just by sucking the underside of his shaft right below the head, drove him crazy.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Do you ever communicate with him, like ask him, show me your favorite spot or is this just energetic… Vulcan mind-

Susan Crain Bakos: Oh no, it’s totally between me and the dick. It has nothing to do with him.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, it’s just a radiating, a radiation off of you…

Susan Crain Bakos: Yeah it’s just me and the dick. Its nothing to do with him. I mean it’s the purest form of phallic worship.  It is.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Are you noticing if it’s getting harder when you do certain things or not so hard.

Susan Crain Bakos: You know, I-

Dr. Patti Taylor:  I mean I rarely meet a dick that isn’t hard

Susan Crain Bakos: This is why you’re so popular, my dear.  You know, they’re always hard. I just don’t meet limp dicks.  I was thinking about one guy I was with for over three years and I’m trying to remember if I ever- he was much younger. He was a boy toy and I can’t think of if I ever saw him flaccid. I must have, but I can’t remember it.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, so now how do you come while you’re engaged in phallic adoration?

Susan Crain Bakos: It’s a combination of just the two techniques, it’s the flexing the PC and the breathing as I’m blowing him.  That’s what we talked about in the Orgasm Loop.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Right.

Susan Crain Bakos:  Right and bringing in a couple of aspects from the Orgasm Loop or you could use the whole thing. You could do the whole loop while you’re sucking him and you won’t be able to come, but if I’m into the dick a little breathing and a little flexing and I’m there.

Dr. Patti Taylor: And I’m guessing that when you’re coming it’s going to feel all that much better to the guy?

Susan Crain Bakos: Oh my god, it’s amazing for a man.  A man feels so love and so accepted when you’re really into his dick. When you’re really into sucking his dick and if you can cum while sucking his dick, you have him eating out of your palm.  He will do just about anything for you.

Dr. Patti Taylor: I can imagine that.

Susan Crain Bakos: Now if they go to my blog they will get my basic blow job directions are free on the blog.  Go to sex tips, which is one of the categories on the right hand side and its The Basic Black Dress of Blow Jobs, just scroll down until you find the title and click on it and it tells you all the steps, a basic black dress of blow jobs.  It’s been reprinted all over the world and then you add your own little touches depending on what you like to do and what your man likes you to do to him, but if you just use this basic method he will be out of his mind with happiness.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Yeah so as far as what men are…

Susan Crain Bakos: And that’s a good thing.  That’s a good thing. Some women have said to me, how can you call yourself a feminist and be for feminine sexual environment and then talk about dick worship or cock worship? How can you… to me they’re not incompatible.  In fact, they’re very mutually compatible. I want my power and I feel my power when I am in charge of his dick.  There’s nothing incompatible about that to me.  I feel like a powerful woman.  I’m so in charge of him.  I can make that dick do anything. I can give it the greatest joy, the greatest pleasure. That is such power.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Now how about prostate massage and anal massage and that kind of stuff?

Susan Crain Bakos: I write about that too.  Some men, I never recommend doing that initially. This is something you do with a guy when you know him a little better because some guys totally freak out if you put a finger, if you put your little lubricated finger up their anus.  They just freak out so you have to know your guy a little bit to do that, but you can do the perineum massage.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Yeah.

Susan Crain Bakos: That’s the little area between the base of the balls and the anus.  You can do that on any man.  You just have to be careful about pressure until you know him.  Some men if you press your thumb firmly there when he’s close to orgasm, he will shoot right away.  He’ll ejaculate right away.  Other men, no, it’s not going to affect him that much and in fact, if you push too hard they’re going to experience pain and pull back.  So you have to know your man.  You have to play with that a little bit and it’s not the first thing I would do. Once you’ve perfected the blow job and you’ve perfected the orgasm loop then you move on and try the fancy technique.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Like what?

Susan Crain Bakos: Like whatever else you want to do at that point.  Analingis.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Yeah.

S: Anything you want to do after that point, but learn your basics.  Get your basics done.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay. Good.  Well, we’re going to take another break. This is Dr. Patty Taylor and I’m here with Susan Crain Bakos, author of The Sex Bible. So I’m guessing some of these techniques would be in The Sex Bible, which I’m told is an astonishingly gorgeous…

Susan Crain Bakos: Oh The Sex Bible is an international best seller!

Dr. Patti Taylor: Oh.  Oh, okay, so.

Susan Crain Bakos: Printed all over the world and it’s an international best seller, yes.

Dr. Patti Taylor: So yeah, okay so these techniques probably in there?

Susan Crain Bakos: I’m very proud of that. I’m very proud of that.

Dr. Patti Taylor: I can’t wait to get a copy myself.

Susan Crain Bakos: And The Sex Bible for Women, the new, the one that came out.  The Sex Bible is two years old.  The Sex Bible for Women came out the summer of 2008.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Uh huh.

Susan Crain Bakos: Gorgeous book.  Gorgeous, gorgeous book.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Right well, um and then you just came out with the one on Tantra right?

Susan Crain Bakos: On Tantra.  The New Tantra.  It’s a small book, but it’s also lovely.  Quiver, my publisher, does the best sex books.  They don’t use stock photos.  They go out and do these original shots with models.  They rent expensive condos.  They take me along to pose the models and make sure the photographs are accurate and it’s a real labor of love and that’s why they’re such gorgeous books.  The design team is great. They’re really expensively done, beautifully done books.

Dr. Patti Taylor: I have to say I think they’re beautifully done too and they’re very visually oriented so…

Susan Crain Bakos: Yes, very visually oriented and the design is such that you can learn the techniques easily.  They’re not buried in text, they’re set off.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Right.

Susan Crain Bakos: You can read the text and then you can go to the technique and it’s all set up in bullet points and you can keep going back to it until you’ve mastered it.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Exactly.  I’m glad we talked about that because your books are so high quality.  I really want our listeners to be enthused about checking out your books.  They are stunningly beautiful.  So please stay with us.  We will come back in a moment and talk a little bit about Tantra and continue talking about men too.

(Commercial Break)

Dr. Patti Taylor: We’re back and we are talking about what men really want in the bedroom and I kind of wanted to bring in Tantra.  I know you brought up you just wrote a book on Tantra and um, how do you bring Tantra into what you do with men?

Susan Crain Bakos: Well I take, with all apologies to the true Tantra people, I take all the woo woo and all the philosophy out of it and I just reduce it to techniques that work.  So, that works for men.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, well some people might think why are people doing that, right?

Susan Crain Bakos:  Men are not as wild about the woo woo.  I get rid of all the relationship stuff.  I’m not, as you probably gathered from talking to me or reading my blog, I don’t want to talk to people about relationship.  It’s boring to me.  Women have talked about relationship for years and I think it’s very boring.  I like sex and I can talk to you about sex and I can tell you how to fix your sex life, but your relationship’s your own problem.  Don’t bring it to me.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Right.

Susan Crain Bakos: I don’t, you know, I don’t care.  So that is how I approach Tantra. I don’t care about all the spiritual are we going to find our soul mate and gaze into one another’s eyes for hours, because let’s face it Tantra in this country has been for white, heterosexual, married, suburban, aging couples like the old Boomers, the fire is gone.  They’ve tried swinging, maybe they’ve tried poly and this is something that still makes them feel like their on the edge and it’s reviving their sex life and that’s fine. Let them do it.  There are many people out there who are young, who are single, who don’t have regular partners, who are divorced, who maybe want to learn some Tantra, but their partner doesn’t. This book is for them.  This book is for post urban culture hip people.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Wow.

Susan Crain Bakos: It’s not for the old people who are going to Tantra workshops.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, so what would Tantra tell a man from your point of view, now that you’ve clarified what you think about Tantra.  God bless, we need as many opinions as we can around Tantra.  What is yours around Tantra and men?

Susan Crain Bakos: Tantra and men? Men are not very interested in Tantra until they are that older, aging guy that’s having his first erectile dysfunction that’s worried about it.  Then they get into Tantra because then they’ll say, oh yes, it’s not the erection. It’s not the orgasm, it’s not the ejaculation.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay.

Susan Crain Bakos: But younger men aren’t even a little bit interested in Tantra. 

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay.

Susan Crain Bakos: It’s not interesting to them, with a few exceptions.  There is an environment, some young men go to Tantra because they think it’s going to give them a chance to see naked people having sex. They’ll go for that.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, so mostly the Tantra for men is for men after they…

Susan Crain Bakos: Right. Younger men, single men, men who are not in one long term relationship for a long time. They’re looking for something that’s going to make the sex hotter faster.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, but there are a lot of men in the world that are aging and do have erectile…

Susan Crain Bakos: Yes, there are, but I don’t necessarily write for them. Although I think they will find things in this book, but I really am not writing for them. A lot of other people are writing for them and I don’t feel like I have to be writing for them.

Dr. Patti Taylor: I see. Got it. So then your Tantra book is more for women?

Susan Crain Bakos: It’s more for younger people and single people, men and women.

Dr. Patti Taylor: I got it.

Susan Crain Bakos: People who are not in the long term, committed relationships or even, you know, new couples, young couples.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay.

Susan Crain Bakos: Not the old people who have been in the long, long, long relationships.  I don’t write for them.  That’s not my audience.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, well then maybe you can just, um, kind of let us know then, what do you think would be the main, um, point of studying your book on Tantra?  From what I looked at it, there was some beautiful stuff in there on energy and using energy and bringing that into your sexuality that I thought was interesting.

Susan Crain Bakos: Right.  That, I think I’ve taken the lessons in Tantra and I’ve taken them out of the woo woo context. They’re not, it’s not overtly spiritual now.  It’s not couples oriented and it’s simpler. When you read most Tantra books they just, they put me to sleep.  They really put me to sleep.  They go on and on and on and on and they say the same things over and over and over again and mine doesn’t.  It just focuses on, this is what works.  These are the teachings and these are the techniques that work to make your arousal hotter, to make her arousal come faster and delay his when necessary and you know, her orgasm faster and delay his when necessary. It’s a practical part of it and that’s what I’m interested in.

Dr. Patti Taylor: I think that’s great.  I really do.

Susan Crain Bakos: I’ve always used some Tantra in my work. I’ve always used some of it and this was my chance to put it together and take it a little higher and to take some of the things I’ve always used. Like I used Tantra in the Orgasm Loop, I’ve used it in many of my sex techniques and many of my books I’ve used little bits of it. And this is my chance to really take it, strip it down and come up with my version of Tantra which I call Fusion Tantra because it fuses the Western ideas about sex with the Eastern knowledge and techniques.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Interesting. So do you think if everyone started having better sex hopefully, particularly if they read your books, or whatever, the world would be a better place?

Susan Crain Bakos: I do think it would be.  I honestly do.  I think people would be less hard on one another.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Well, good.

Susan Crain Bakos: It would be if they were sexually satisfied, they would be less hard and less judgmental, women especially. One of our great faults as women is that we tend to judge other women’s sexual behavior.  We’re always weighing in on women’s sexuality.  It’s in the religious areas, it’s she shouldn’t have sex before she’s married or outside of marriage or whatever and for people who are not so religious, they use intimacy as the clause.  You know, are you having an intimate relationship, are you wrecking your intimate relationship.  We’re always telling people what’s appropriate.  We’re always judging our sisters.  I think if we had, if all women and all men had better sex we’d be less judgmental, more tolerant, open and accepting of other people.  Maybe we wouldn’t have all this fuss we have about whether or not gay people can get married.  Maybe we would be able to say, hey, they have sex a different way than we have sex, so what.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Really, well that was very, very beautifully said.  So we’re going to close out this show and I wanted to invite you to say something just to leave our listeners with, to take with them into their day or evening.  If you can top what you just said which was pretty spectacular.

Susan Crain Bakos: I would say to the ladies, unless you’re gay or lesbian, in which case obviously you don’t have to do this, but if you’re a straight or a bi woman take the penis that you have the opportunity to touch tonight and really look at that penis and really find what’s special about it and really get into it.  If you do, if you get to know that penis intimately, if you get to know it in a special way and find its special places, you’re going to love it!

Dr. Patti Taylor: Awww… how beautiful. So, on that note, thank you so much.

Susan Crain Bakos: Thank you.  This was really fun.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Very fun.  We’re going to close out this show.  We’ve been talking with Susan Crain Bakos and her, um, blog is SexyPrime.Typepad.com, where you can find out more about her books and read a great blog and of course that’s all on our site page for her at PersonalLifeMedia.com.  So thank you for listening.  You can send me email at Patti@personallifemedia.com.  Also please visit me, Dr. Patti Taylor at www.ExpandedLovemaking.com where you can join my mailing list as well.  This is Dr. Patti Taylor and that’s all for now. I remain yours in ever expanding lovemaking and I’ll see you next week