Episode 76: The Tantricly-Orgasmic Male (Part Two) with Shama Helena

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Hear Dr. Patti talk with Shama Helena, a Sacred Sexuality counselor at educator with 15 years experience. Find out why men have been impacted so much by society and culture, and what they can do to open up their vital energy centers by the study and practice of Sacred Sexuality. Learn why men are often reluctant to seek this education from their partner, and why training is so important. What can men do on their own, and with a partner? Learn the importance of appropriate ways of feeling, and touching, and rates of slowing down, especially in sexual situations. Fasten your seatbelt as Shama and Dr. Patti role-play an educational session in which Dr. Patti gets a lesson in how to give Shama the perfect hand job! The energy goes sky high, and no detail is left forgotten, as Shama goes inch by inch, ever so slowly over all the important parts of the this amazing experience. Discover Shama’s passion for spreading and sharing her wisdom and the wisdom of others with the world through her new media venture, Lovenlifetools.com. As a bonus, find out a unique way in which Dr. Patti and Shama met! This is surely a show you will want to hear many times over.

Transcript

Dr. Patti Taylor: Welcome to the Expanded Lovemaking Show. I’m your host Dr. Patti Taylor of expandedlovemaking.com, and I teach you how to make exclusive love. This is part two of a two part series. So, today we’ll be discussing the Tantricly orgasmic male. Men as well as women have been exposed to a variety of changes in our rabidly evolving world. These changes all filter down to the individual man's physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual state. What choices and practices can a man embody to create the most erotically charged and turned on life possible? Here to discuss this is our guest today, Shama Helena. So, hi Shama…

Shama Helena: Hi.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: …welcome to the show.

Shama Helena: Thank you.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Yeah, it’s great to have you back.

Shama Helena: I love being with you honey.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: I love being with you too. So let me tell you, we did tell you all about Shama, so we’ll just briefly remind you. Shama Helena is an author, educator, group facilitator, and counselor specializing in lots of things including: Sacred Sexuality; Tantra; Shamanic Psychology, Energy, and Bodywork. She’s also a co-founder of a media company, Love N Life Tools, which we’ll talk about later in the podcast, and she has a private practice in the Los Angeles area where you can talk to her in person and also she’s available by phone. So, I’m really glad we have you Shama here with us today because men have been inundated by advice. So ultimately it all boils down to quality over quantity. Well, who better to listen to than a Tantric goddess and counselor who has empowered men over the years to become more energetically alive and powerful, as well as, better givers and receivers of love. So, let’s get going, and again I’d like to start with the definition of Tantra.

Shama Helena: Wow, well let me give you another one. Tantra for me is the path of pleasure. You know, we’re taught to live our lives by commercial, and the shoulds, and the duties, and the obligations; and Tantra really teaches that the more you feed and nurture and expect pleasure in your life, the more fun you’re going to have. Tantra really promises you can have Heaven on Earth, just by approaching life with a different attitude. And approaching life from a more respectful, honoring, slowing down kind of a state.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: I love that.

Shama Helena: I’m interested in having as much pleasure in this lifetime as I can. I think this is a wonderful playground and there’s so much we can explore and play with.
Dr. Pattie Taylor: It’s amazing, isn’t it? It’s like a subtle shift in your attention and you’re like in the Tantric game.

Shama Helena: Yeah, it’s a nice play to hang out, let me tell you.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Everyone says, oh, you know all the Tantric secrets; well that’s the secret, right? What does it take to make that shift?

Shama Helena: It takes a desire for pleasure, and it also takes a desire for developing yourself to be the optimum being that you can be, because that’s what Tantra’s really about. It’s about seeing the vehicle you have been given that is this body and this spirit and all that we are and getting trained so that we can maximize how we use these things in our everyday lives to have the best life that we can. On my ‘love n life’ tools [inaudible] I’m always talking about the tools to create your best life ever.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Right, because I think everyone will say that they want pleasure, and yet you know it seems so elusive. So, um, you know there’s some sort of disconnect going on.

Shama Helena: Well, there’s a push-pull thing you know? We kind of come from a Puritan background in this country, and while we allow ourselves limited amounts of pleasure, and of course we’re always fostering each other to have more. There’s also an inhibitor that’s been built, in the sense that you better not have too much pleasure. I remember when I was a kid being taught, if you have too much pleasure the whole society will go to hell in a hand-basket and they cite the Roman Empire as the perfect example. They had orgies, and they had, you know, all this decadence going on and so that’s what destroyed the culture; and I think we all have that in the back of our minds.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: I love that, right. There’s something wrong with pleasure…

Shama Helena: Right.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: …somehow in the back of your mind, um….

Shama Helena: Well, there’s a dark and a light side to everything, as we know living in a world of duality.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: But let’s talk about that for a moment cause I bet there’s a lot of listeners out there that are actually thinking that. Isn’t there something about desire that is actually sacred as opposed to what you just said?

Shama Helena: Desire is in actuality sacred.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Uh-huh.

Shama Helena: What we do with it, how we aim it and fire it, as I like to say.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: I mean a Roman orgy was not necessarily a sacred thing, I mean, if you’re just sitting around fucking women and drinking alcohol and getting loaded out of your mind and passing out. I don’t think that’s the pleasure you’re talking about.

Shama Helena: Well, if we’re talking about Caligula, okay. That is [inaudible]…you know there’s a term called Hedonistic, and I want to be very careful about that term, because you know, words are fire. But um, there’s a quality that is pleasure for pleasures sake that really doesn’t honor and respect anybody else but your desire for pleasure. A perfect example of that might be an addict in the throws of his addiction, you know, he just wants to get that fix and nothing else matters, he’ll do anything to get it including rob from his family, kill people, etc., etc.; that’s the dark side. But the light side in Tantra that we try to focus on is we do everything from our hearts. Our hearts are actually a very intelligent part of ourselves. Our hearts have a brain we’ve discovered. And we’ve also discovered coming from that place puts us automatically in alignment with what we call source, the creator, all that is. And it puts us in a space of channeling love, and when you’re coming from love, you just can’t go wrong

Dr. Pattie Taylor: There you go. Now you have me all melted like a sweet little baby. What you said is so beautiful. Well, let me ask you now, going back to men, what aspects of Tantra and Sacred Sexuality do you think men find particularly relevant to their needs?

Shama Helena: Well, I think first of all, men you know are not trained, none of us are actually trained in any sexual practices or understanding, and I think that’s the first place we really sell ourselves short and I’m actually putting together kind of a training program for young adults on up that people can start to understand how their bodies really work. But, above that, you know guys discover in the bathroom, or wherever that if they rub their penis long enough, some nice fun juice comes out of it and a nice feeling glows over their body, and they think that’s what sex is and they take it into their relationships, they don’t realize that their whole bodies are available for pleasure. So the first thing that I do with guys is I teach them about receiving, because most guys in sexuality are all about the doing-ness, and when you’re doing you don’t feel. And when you don’t feel, you’re missing out on half of the game. Plus the fact that if you really want to be a good lover for your partner, you have to know if what your doing feels like. If you don’t know what it feels like, then you can’t really transmit effectively to your partner. So learning how to feel, learning how to receive, learning how to open your own being instead of just being the doer is one of the biggest pieces. The second piece is learning about your body, learning about what gives you pleasure and how to express pleasure and how to savor pleasure and be your own best lover – that’s another big piece. And, guys if you slow down with yourself and with your partner, you’re going to feel a lot more. There’s a phrase I say, ‘the slower you go, the more you feel.’ And when you bring in the four Tantric truths – tools – of breath, sound, movement, and focused attention, you can expand that pleasure immediately, instantly, and extend it beyond your wildest dreams.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Wow, well that is amazing. I love what you said about the receiving and the feeling is so profound…

Shama Helena: Well, guys are taught not to feel. And, you know, we’re in a kind of a warrior culture. Everything’s about winning and everything’s about, you know conquering, and that is appropriate in a warrior paradigm in a warrior situation, which we look at in terms of not only a military actions, but in terms of kind of the way we run our businesses and corporations and all those kinds of things. Men are competitive, lets be honest. But, when you’re in the bedroom, sex is about feeling. And for guys that have been taught not to feel, what usually happens is they hold that part of themselves separate and then all of a sudden what happens is they’ll find some woman that really makes them want to open up, and they open up and the floodgates open up. And what happens is that we are overwhelmed with this amazing passion and love and feeling that has all been held back for so long. But the problem is that men don’t know how to manage it because they don’t let it out very often, whereas women learn how to manage it because they’re always doing it.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: So that’s really amazing what you’re saying. Does sexual training help prepare a man for a – I mean can you train just to get into these states of feeling even if you don’t have a partner or even if you’re the first one lets say, or you don’t think your partner is all that interested, or you just want to develop on your own.

Shama Helena: Absolutely, in fact most of the men that come to me are afraid their partner’s wouldn’t be open to it, so they come to me asking me what can I do to give more pleasure to my partner? What can I do to make the sex better, because you kind of can get into ruts after awhile, you know, it’s 10:30 at night, we’ve got to get up at 7, so about half an hours good; and so what we do is touch all the buttons that we know have worked for us in the past and go to sleep. And that can get really repetitious and boring after a while and we get into a rut. So it’s important to take time for your sexuality and time for your pleasure. My partner and I have two dates a week, in the evening where we focus on each other. We may not have sex, we might, but we take the time to turn off the TV and to turn off the phone, and to focus on hanging out with each other and developing and building the quality of our relationship; which is something that a lot of couples let go by the wayside when life takes over.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Okay, well I want to come back to this issue of sexual training and maybe some of the fun things that people can do when we come back. We are going to pause to take a short break to support our sponsors, so this is Dr. Pattie Taylor, please stay with us. We’re talking to Shama Helena, and you can learn more about Shama Helena at her website, thepleasureparadigm.com. I’ll spell that: T-H-E-P-L-E-A-S-U-R-E-P-A-R-A-D-I-G-M.COM, the pleasure paradigm and also lovenlifetools.com: L-O-V-E-N-L-I-F-E-T-O-O-L-S.COM. And of course, if you get the transcripts, or go to our website, she’s off our link through there as well. So, please stay with us.

[Commercial Break]

Dr. Pattie Taylor: We’re back and we’re talking about the Tantricly orgasmic male. So, let’s find out what kinds of practices men can develop on their own and also that men can teach women or women can learn about.

Shama Helena: Great, well I think it’s really important to know the power of touch first of all. Whether you’re touching yourself or you’re touching your partner. And in Tantra, one of the things we learn how to do is to bring in as much of what we have to bring to any experience to maximize it. So that means that you’re bringing in smells, you might bring in – put yourself in a situation where things smell really good, where touch is very light. I use my imagination along with my hands to touch someone. So for instance, what I’ll do is I’ll imagine what I want to achieve in the way that I’m touching them and then I’ll imagine for instance that my fingernails are a foot long and that when I lightly and softly caress their skin it’s really going in there and kind of combing those muscle fibers very deeply, and when you touch consciously and clearly in such a way, the experience for your partner or even for your own body when you touch yourself is going to be that much more profound. So the more you bring to it, the more you enhance the quality of the experience. Also, breathing deeply and relaxing is really important. You know a lot of us forget to breathe when we’re having sex, and the breath is the place where you discover feeling and sex is all about feeling. So when you slow down and breathe you can really feel a lot more of what’s going on. So guys, how this usually works in a sexual experience is you guys kind of like to rev up the energy and get it going, but then at some point you need to kind of let go and do the ride. It’s like those little cars that you run on the floor and then you let them go and they go around in circles. It’s the same thing with sexuality; activate the energy, kind of get the turn on happening and then relax and enjoy the ride using your sound and your breath to take you into orgasmic bliss that will move into your whole body and not just your genitals.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: So, okay, so just slow down, just for the basics to really feel with your touch and to breathe are really good things for anyone who wants to start those training practices, whether you’re the giver or the receiver.

Shama Helena: Yeah, I tell my clients to do education night. You know, take a night with your partner and I kinda do it –I call it the Howard Cosell blow-by-blow experience.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Uh-huh.

Shama Helena: The gain is that your partner is not allowed to do anything unless you tell them what to do.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Uh-huh, oh I like that.

Shama Helena: You tell them exactly how you want it so it’s kinda like this ‘oh yeah, right there, oh no, a little to the left, a little more pressure, oh that’s good, that’s good, stay right there, don’t move’ and you, every second you’re telling them what you want, how you want it, where you want it, the way you want it. And it’s a wonderful way to learn what your partner likes.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Well let’s talk about something that every guy would love to talk about, which is the perfect hand-job. Can we talk about that?

Shama Helena: I am an expert at the perfect hand-job.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Oh, good, how could we have a perfect – let’s have a Howard Cosell night on that then okay? Can we like do a role-play on that or something?

Shama Helena: Sure.
Dr. Pattie Taylor: Okay.

Shama Helena: Well the first thing is guys are usually a little kinda ruff on their penis. And what happens is, if you’re too vigorous you’re not going to be able to enjoy a mouth or a yoni as well. The first thing I teach guys is practice being very soft and light with your touch and get your body used to some lighter kinds of touches. Another thing that’s really important is to include as much of the sexual area as possible in your touch; don’t just stay on the shaft, don’t just stay on the head, don’t just stay on the balls, or the perineum, or the anus, but spread it around and tickle and tantalize all over. Because the more of the sexuality that you bring to it, the more pleasure there’s going to be.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Okay

Shama Helena: And then of course, there’s might favorite spot, the male clit, which is right in back of the head and either side of that little bar that kinda is in-between the back of the head is a wonderful place to hang out in. Always give attention to that with just about every stroke.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Okay, now I’m gonna be you’re a girlfriend, and you’re gonna a instruct me on what to do, okay? So honey, what do you want, I’m here to please you and this is really fun communicating, I’m sorry we haven’t done this before but what would you like?

Shama Helena: Well honey, what I’d really love is for you to sit in-between my legs…

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Uh-huh. Okay.

Shama Helena: …so that we can see each other. And you probably may want to be on your knees so that you can touch me the way I want to be touched. And I’d like you to really start with just kind of running your fingers down my thighs, on the insides and the outsides, and the sides also, kind of helping to open up the pelvic energy and you know, move some energy so that it starts the flow.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Okay, well this is really nice that you’re telling me what to do cause I wouldn’t have thought of that.

Shama Helena: That’s an important one, it just it’s amazing. So now, but I want you to stay away from the genitals right now. I want you to just really focus on those thighs and then what I want you to do is you’re pulling the energy away from the body. Then, I want you to come in very lightly, and very softly, and very slowly. Now put you attention on my balls, I want you to think balls, I want you to look balls, everything’s on balls, but what I want you to do with your hands is slowly, and tenderly, and very lightly on either leg, slide up toward my genitals.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Wow, this is really hot.

Shama Helena: Get up close, closer, go even slower. Make me wait, make me want you…

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Slower than that?
Shama Helena: And as I get closer and closer, I want you to just barely caress the hairs on my balls, and move up over my balls, and up over my cock without touching, be about a quarter of an inch from there, and I just want to feel the heat of your hands.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Okay, slower than this?

Shama Helena: Yeah, and then what I want you to do is kind of put your fingers so that they surround my penis, but not really touching either. Just very slowly move down so that I can feel that warmth, and then when you get all the way to the bottom, I want you to gently caress my balls and just tickle them very lightly.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Wow.

Shama Helena: Okay, that’s really good. Now see if you can go down further and just tickle that area that is the base of my ass. And just go around there and just run your finger very lightly in the crack of my ass and back up to the perineum. And then take two fingers, the third and the fourth and gently press in on that perineum right – feel the base of my shaft and be very firm and just slowly press in and then kind of vibrate your hand a little bit.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Wow, I love the way you’re throbbing and contracting.

Shama Helena: Yeah, that’s awesome isn’t it? Okay.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: It feels really good to me.

Shama Helena: And I just cup my balls and hold them very softly, hold them very softly. Yeah, oh that’s so good. Now, bring your hand up, and this time as you come to my shaft, I want you to slowly close your fingers around it.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Ooh, oh my God. It’s pulsating.

Shama Helena: Squeeze and squeeze and squeeze. And now I’d like you to cup your hands around the head of my shaft and pour some oil into that little cup that you’ve made with your hands, and now slide it down so that you cover my whole penis and my balls with that oil. Oh God that’s good, oh God.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: This is so much fun.

Shama Helena: And now slide back up. Now this time be firm, not tight, but firm and just slide all the way up and make sure that your second and third fingers caress that little clit of mine. And then hold with your second finger and your thumb, hold the head of my penis, so that the back, the second finger touches that clit, and the thumb pushes on the very top of the penis inside. You can kinda feel that there’s the hardness of the penis has a tip to it inside the head; and if you press on that place, just where that ends and the head kinda opens up, you can make some really wonderful feelings.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Wow. Should I just hold it there or do you want me to…

Shama Helena: Just hold it. Then kinda just pulse, kinda like squeeze in and out. Very gently and [inaudible].

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Okay.

Shama Helena: And now, slide down firmly all the way to my balls and then take your third, fourth, and fifth fingers and wrap them around my balls while you’re holding my base really tightly. And let the blood fill my penis and just get stronger and stronger and more powerful. Now bring your third and fourth fingers to the perineum and pulse there again pressing very firmly and deeply. Oh that’s really good, oh that’s really good. Now take your hand and slide it down so that you’ve cupped my ass in your hands.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Wow

Shama Helena: And squeeze my ass.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Wow, it’s so much fun.

Shama Helena: And slide it up the crack of my ass again. And if you can find my anus, don’t push in, but just tease the hairs around my anus.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Ooh.

Shama Helena: And slide your fingers up the crack and back up to my cock. You don’t want to forget my cock for too long; you always want to include that. And now stroke back up and stroke your hands up so that it moves all the way up my body to my chest. And squeeze my chest and squeeze my nipples. Get my heart energy connected with my genitals. I wanna feel, I wanna feel your love in those hands, I wanna feel your passion in those hands.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Ooh, baby.

Shama Helena: Now I want you to take one nipple and squeeze it just a little tighter until you feel me kind of respond…

Dr. Pattie Taylor: ooh.

Shama Helena: …and you hold it and you look in my eyes and breathe with me.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: You got it.

Shama Helena: So hot. Now bring it back down to my cock baby, just hold me tight. And now let’s stroke a little more consistently, so let’s see some ups and downs. And what I want you to do, lets just do some downs first. So I want you to start at the top of my penis and slide you hand down to the base with a firm stroke – not too firm, but a firm stroke, and then let go, go back up and do it again. Slide down very slowly and do that seven times. Okay. And when you get to the seventh time, now we’re gonna go up and as you move up, I want you to take your hand and twist it around my penis as you go up, making sure to squeeze the head a little bit as you come out of it and make sure you get that clit involved. And do that seven times, in the other direction. Okay, that’s really good.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Wow. Wow. Wow, you are so hard. I can’t believe I can feel so much pulsing and life energy.

Shama Helena: Oh, honey, you’re so awesome. Thank you for listening to me and thank you for honoring what I want. It’s so good to be able to tell you what feels so good to me.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Yeah. We gotta start doing this like twice a week.

Shama Helena: Twice a week, why not every day?

Dr. Pattie Taylor: I don’t know, maybe so.

Shama Helena: Well it feels so good to feel so good. And it always you know – when you take care of me honey, you know I wanna take care of you.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Well, thank you, this is so much fun. I can’t believe, you know. And you were such a good communicator. Wow, I mean, I just couldn’t believe how much fun that was, and I just so appreciated getting such explicit details, you know. I mean, it was like Heaven, you know.

Shama Helena: Yeah, and especially if I can tell you when the touch is too firm or the touch is too loose. And yet, at the same time, I love how you tantalize me, making me want more in the way that you touched me, it was just delicious.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Well, I just love that I didn’t have to wonder about well am I doing it right? I mean, I actually appreciated your being explicit – if it was too hard. I just, I really wanted to know – no lighten up, do it – you know and actually, I think when the sexual energy is that high, you don’t care – there’s no right and wrong anymore. I mean, the ego is so far out the window at that point, all I want to know, you know, is this the best possible thing, cause I’m feeling everything you’re feeling, I just want…

Shama Helena: Yeah exactly.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Yeah.

Shama Helena: And the way that you feel that is because we’re breathing together and we’re making sounds together and that helps us to a-tune to one another like it’s a radio dial, we feel everything the other persons feeling. It’s awesome

Dr. Pattie Taylor: It is totally amazing. Well listen, we have to take a break, [inaudible] it’s probably a good thing, hopefully. People can go breathe for a moment, and we will be right back. So this is Dr. Pattie Taylor, and I’m here with Shama Helena. And this time I’m sure you’re gonna wanna learn more about Shama. And these are her websites: thepleasureparadigm.com and lovenlifetools.com L-O-V-E-N-L-I-F-E tools T-O-O-L-S.COM. So, we will be right back.

[Commercial]

Dr. Pattie Taylor: We’re back, and this is Dr. Pattie Taylor, and I’m here with Shama Helena. And we have been talking about Tantric practices for men, so I hope you all took a lot of notes. And, I know I did. And Shama, is there anything you wanna say to wrap up this spectacular lesson?

Shama Helena: Well I think the best thing I can say is that guys, sex is about feeling. So the more you can learn how to feel yourself, you can feel your partner more exquisitely and take the time to learn as much as you can about yourself and about your partner and each of your bodies so that you can have the best sex ever.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: Right. Obviously, that was a phenomenal demonstration. I thank you for your vulnerability and your explicitness.

Shama Helena: Well, thank you.

Dr. Pattie Taylor: That was just amazing. So, I wanna kind of bring our final segment of the show to talk about your passion in life, which is quite a phenomenal thing. I was just so deeply moved when I found out about lovenlifetools.com, and your own mission. So, I was just wondering if you wanted to share a little bit with us about that.

Shama Helena: Well, thanks. Yeah, it is my greatest passion. It was something that I feel was kind of divinely inspired. I had been working with individual clients for a long time and I felt I needed to take it to the next level, but I wasn’t sure what that was going to look like. So, I did a lot of praying about it and I also kinda made a list of the things I love to do, and I would check it out to see if some kind of pattern would evolve to show me my next direction, and one day it hit me like a lightning bolt. I’m good at interviewing people, I’m good at being – promoting people, I’m good at getting people to feel comfortable, I’m interested in social change, I’m interested in making the world a better place. Gee, maybe I ought to do my own show. So, what this has evolved into is, I’m really interested in creating a space where people can learn about how to make their lives better, not only on a personal and relationship level, but you know life is all about relationships, including our community, including the world, and we hear so much on the news about what’s wrong and sometimes it can makes us feel a little helpless and hopeless, and I want to be a place to inspire people to take their power and to live their dreams, and to understand that their dream is a gift of the planet. So, I’m interviewing people that are making a difference in the world that are enhancing their lives and showing others how to do so as well. And I’m very excited about this project, and I really pray that it is all that I feel inspired that it can be, and Love N Life Tools is the vehicle for that, so it not only shows some stuff I’ve learned and wisdom I’ve learned in my work as a sexual healer, and a counselor, and a facilitator, but it’s also about sharing other peoples stories in ecology, and environment, and relationships, and finance, and government, and all these areas. How can we make the world a better place? Hopefully, people will tune in and wanna live their dreams, or join in on these dreams that are their passion as well