Episode 71: Self Love: the Core of Intimate Fulfillment (Part One) with Scott Catamas

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In this exciting show, Dr. Patti Taylor learns more about Compassionate Communication (a communication methodology founded by Marshall Rosenberg), or Nonviolent Communication, (NVC). Scott is a brilliant videographer of many of the leading teachers of NVC, committed to sharing a profound message of turn-on, connection, peace and understanding to singles, couples, and groups. Scott has used NVC as a basis for his own practice of teaching Compassionate Communication. Find out how the founder, Marshall Rosenberg, and one of his protégés, Robert Gonzalez, have revolutionized the communications world with Rosenberg’s model, NVC. Learn why it is an attitude and mindset as well as a method. Find out why giraffes and jackals are used in role-playing and the basic model’s structure. Learn why “what we tell ourselves” can have such important consequences. Follow Patti and Scott as they role-play a situation in which Patti gets Scott’s sensual attention in ways she doesn’t want… and how Scott handles it, overcoming his own “inner jackal” as well as Patti’s clearly upsetting “jackal” tone. The self-empathy is a repeated crucial piece to this exchange! Learn what simple things can be said, with experience and compassion, to turn even loaded, triggered situations like this around in short order! A fun show,, and true to life! Scott even offers a worksheet for those of us wanting some “training wheels” in highly charged situations, which is available on the Personal Life Media site, under the his personal episode page, and the Expanded Lovemaking Show. Yay!

Transcript

Announcer: This program is intended for mature audiences only.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Welcome to the Expanded Lovemaking show. I'm your host Dr. Patti Taylor of expandedlovemaking.com, and I teach you how to make exquisite love. This is part one of a two-part series. Have you spent too many years of your life giving, giving, giving, only to find that deep inside, your own gas tank is on empty? In today's show, learn how self-love can be the core of intimate fulfillment. Discover how loving yourself can benefit both you and your partner. Here to share with us is our guest today Dr. Scott Catamas.

Scott Catamas: The fact is all of us want to improve our relationships. Absolutely everybody can improve their relationships. And these are simple tools to help us to really listen, really be heard, really be understood. The entire foundation of this work is recognizing that until we have connected with another person, no matter what we say, we're not gonna get through. This is the issue. On women, communication is the primary aphrodisiac for most women. Whereas guys, you know, start off, you know, hot in the genitals, and as time goes by their heart opens, women start off with their heart opening, and then the more their heart opens, then the more the genitals open. And it's this kind of unique balancing.

The words that stood out for me were "creepy", "groping", and, "how many times do I have to tell you". Those were the three things that I could get very defensive about. Because ,again, I don't want to be creepy, I don't want to be... you know, her to experience me as groping her. And I don't want to be felt as stupid. When I heard her say "how many times do I have to tell you", I'm telling myself, "Oh, she thinks I'm stupid. She thinks I'm a jerk".

Dr. Patti Taylor: Hi, Scott.

Scott Catamas: Hi, Patti. It's really good to be here.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Oh, it's so good to have you here. Scott Catamas has devoted his entire adult life to consciousness, communication, and education. He's been successfully involved in multi-media for years. And has won Emmy Awards for his transformative television programming. In 2000, Scott began actively studying and facilitating NVC, or Non Violent Communication. He now facilitates classes, workshops, and practice groups in the area of compassionate communication, which includes his understanding of NVC. Scott currently leads regular NVC practice groups and workshops throughout California and Hawaii. He is working as a coach with couples and families, as well as giving workshops; and he's available by phone as well as in person for counseling.

NVC is taking off all over the world as a versatile and profound methodology for communication. It's also an entire attitude about bringing peace, connection, and wonder into your life. So, today we'll focus on being loving to ourselves. In part two we'll explain how couples can use NVC in intimate situations. In both shows, we'll give you a little background, and then some real fun and juicy roleplaying. So let's get started. Scott, you've worked intimately with both Marshall Rosenberg and Robert Gonzales. So, can you tell us who these people are and what your involvement has been.

Scott Catamas: Sure. Marshall Rosenberg is the founder and creator of Non Violent Communication, also known as NVC. He has traveled all over the world for the last thirty years. He's worked in some of the most difficult situations. And the model he's come up with, it's a way of expressing ourselves, a way of listening, and a way of thinking that really drops us from our head down into our heart. And, his whole thing is how to make life more wonderful. He has worked with warring tribes in Africa, he's worked in the middle east. He's been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. And his model of communication, this same model that works with very difficult situations, can work with parents and children; husbands and wives; employers and employees -- in essence, any relationship. The fact is all of us want to improve our relationships. Absolutely everybody can improve their relationships. And these are simple tools to help us to really listen, really be heard, really be understood. And we all want to be understood, and hear each other more, more wonderfully. And that's what leads to better connection, and to better relationships.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Wow, I have never heard NVC explained in one sentence as well as you have.

Scott Catamas: Well, thank you. And, Marshall is getting a little older now. He's still quite busy. But, he's in his early seventies. And his protégé , in a sense, is a man named Robert Gonzales. Robert has a very extraordinary background in psychology and studying many different belief systems. And, Robert now travels all over the world. And I've been very fortunate to produce several video projects, both with Marshall. And now most recently I've just completed a four-disc DVD set; it's Robert Gonzales' first set of DVDs. Been working with Robert on it for two years. And it's given me a chance to really grasp Robert's work. I've traveled with him to seven different workshops, filmed over fifty hours of his work. And Robert's focus is really what he calls the embodiment of NVC; how to really live it. So it's more than just a way of expressing, but it's a way of thinking; and it's wonderful. Because, when we live our life from a place of compassion, life becomes very joyful. We learn how to not let our negative thoughts run us. And I think that's the greatest teaching I've gathered from Robert--is that almost all the time, if we're unhappy, it's because we're allowing a certain negative thought. It may be something that happened to us, or something that someone said to us; but we run that thought through our head over and over and over; and then we react to that thought, and that's what recreates the unhappiness. And there's really simple ways that we can shift and enjoy life much more fully, despite what might be happening.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, great. Well, my understanding is that Robert Gonzales is incredibly popular; it's very hard to get into his classes, so the fact that you've made a DVD is incredible. That will share his work with thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of people. This is incredible work that you're doing given his insane amount of popularity.

Scott Catamas: Yeah, I'm very excited about it. Actually there's four different DVDs, and we'll have a link where people can order and find out about them.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Absolutely. But this is hot-hot-hot off the press and very, very exciting; this man is beyond the cutting edge of hot and popular, and you know, you just can't even come close to him. I mean, the demand to hear this man and what he's doing is just through the roof, So, we are incredibly popular to be getting what he's doing from the source here. Well, let's find out more about what's going on. Um, "giraffe", " jackal"; what's the process here?

Scott Catamas: Well, you mentioned jackal and giraffe; and we have two mascots in NVC, or in compassionate communication. And they each represent an aspect of who we are -- who we all are. The first mascot is the jackal. And the jackal represents that part of us -- and we all have it -- that sees the world through blame, shame, judgment; and it's not that our jackal is bad, it's not that our jackal is wrong, but our jackal's really not much fun. When we see others, or when we see our self through the  lens of our inner jackal, it feels funky; it feels unpleasant. You know how it is, if you're thinking a judgmental or blame-shame thought about yourself, about another, it just doesn't feel good. But we all have that part of our self. So it's learning how to tame the jackal, or how to transform our inner jackal into a giraffe.

The giraffe is our second mascot. And the giraffe represents life-affirming ways of thinking, life affirming ways of seeing the world. And we chose the giraffe for a couple of reasons. First of all, a giraffe has the largest heart of any land mammal. An adult giraffe has a 26 to 28 pound heart, 'cause it has to pump all that blood up the tall neck to the head. Also, because a giraffe is so tall, it can see the big picture. And that's a very important thing; to be compassionate, it's not about just immediately reacting; it's about taking that breath, seeing the big picture, choosing a compassionate response. Instead of an immediate angry reaction, choosing a compassionate response to our situations. So, it's that long neck, that tall perspective that we want to gather. The last thing I want to say about giraffe that's important is, on the one hand giraffes are vegetarian, they're not predators. But they are very strong, well-respected animals. You know, a lion will not attack a giraffe because one kick from a giraffe can kill a lion. Now they're not predators, they don't go around kicking lions, but they are very well respected. And that's important, 'cause we're at this idea where if we're non-violent, there's something mamby-pamby or wimpy about that, but the truth is, in this work we learn to be very strong, and really -- how to really hold our space, and to really gain a lot of respect from others.

Dr. Patti Taylor: well, thank you. And just to complete the imagery, I'm thinking, maybe out there are some listeners who don't know what a jackal is...

Scott Catamas: A jackal is like a wolf. "Arooooooo!" It's kind of a jackal or wolf-like quality, and, you know, jackals tend to have this image of being, you know, the laughing hyena, or the kind of --- it's just an image we chose because it has that kind of connotation.

Dr. Patti Taylor: So, I see, like a snarky kind of animal that's kind of...

Scott Catamas: judgmental or blamey, shamey -- "you always do that, you did that". That sort of life-alienating quality.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Kind of prowling around with the little sharp teeth...

Scott Catamas: Yeah.

Dr. Patti Taylor: You know, maybe traveling in packs that are all kind of attack dogs.

Scott Catamas: Right. "What can we devour?" That's right. Attack. There you go, that's right.

Dr. Patti Taylor: "Where's some carrion for me? Oh, you look good..."

Scott Catamas: Yeah, You know that's -- actually, I like that you used the word "attack". Because that's what our inner jackal does. We either attack our self, or we attack the other. And our attack is a very clumsy, and sometimes tragic, way of getting our needs met.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, good. So I like that we really just, you know, got a good picture of the giraffe and the jackal 'cause we're gonna be role playing. Do we have a moment to just do a take-through of the process of how it works when you give yourself some empathy here?

Scott Catamas: You just said the most important word, "Empathy". And, the entire foundation of this work is recognizing that until we have connected with another person, no matter what we say, we're not gonna get through. What happens when two people are having an argument or a disagreement? Or, what happens when I myself am in confusion or anger? I'm not connected. So the key is to connect to my true self; or if I'm engaged with another, to connect to the other person. And the only way connection can happen is through compassion or through empathy. We kind of can use both words. And so, when we get triggered, when we are feeling scared or angry or any kind of reaction that's challenging, it's very important to take a breath... (breathes deeply)... recognize, "okay, I'm triggered; and I really want to slow everything down." This is the most important piece, to slow down our process. 'Cause when we get triggered, if we speed up and we start reacting quickly, we're gonna react in an unconscious manner. Which is usually being in a jackal way. We might attack back, either attacking our self, "oh there I go again, I'm a failure, I'm a loser." Or attacking out, attacking the other person, "this person doesn't understand me. He's stupid. She's stupid. She doesn't get me."  Any time we have a judgmental thought, either about our self, about another, we're disconnecting from our heart. We're disconnecting from our self. We're disconnecting from the other. And that can only lead to more discomfort.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, great. well, we're gonna take a short break. And afterwards we're going to do some role playing, um, and see how this plays out in some real life situations. 'Cause one of the great things is this actually is all meant to be put into life. So please stay with us. This is Dr. Patti Taylor, and we're talking about self-love. And I'm here with Scott Catamas, and we will be right back. You can learn more about Scott at his website, www.scottcatamas.info. And I'll spell that s-c-o-t-t-c-a-t-a-m-a-s "dot" info. And, of course, we'll put up links; he's gonna have some wonderful links as well. Stay with us, we'll be right back.

Dr. Patti Taylor: We're back. And I'm Dr. Patti Taylor. And we're talking about self-love, the core of intimate fulfillment, with our guest Dr. Scott Catamas. So, um, let's do some role playing. And I'm gathering that you can just kind of weave in some of these brilliant things about Robert Gonzales' work, and NVC, kind of in the middle of all of this. So, um, let's think of a fun example. One I hear a lot, and you probably hear a lot, is from a woman -- it could also be from a man too. But I'm just thinking from a woman, where the guy just lunges for her body parts. And wants to just start making out with her. Let's say it's Saturday and they have an hour and a half, you know... And she doesn't feel like she's being connected with. And, should I give the guy's point of view too, it's just a little bit of the scenario, or do you want to say it?

Scott Catamas: well, I'm really glad that you're choosing this, Patti, because as you know I do a lot of work with couples. At any given time I'm working with between twelve and fifteen couples, counseling them and coaching them. And almost invariably, this is the issue. On women, communication is the primary aphrodisiac for most women. Whereas guys, you know, start off, you know, hot in the genitals, and as time goes by, their heart opens, women start off with their heart opening, and then the more their heart opens, then the more the genitals open. And it's this kind of unique balancing. So it's a perfect point of view that you're bringing up, and I'd love to do some role playing with that.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Alright. Now, I'm gonna start out as the "jackal".

Scott Catamas: Okay.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Since you're such a good teacher.

Scott Catamas: Okay, well I'll try. Okay, we'll have fun.

Dr. Patti Taylor: So, um, what are you gonna do, just sort if --

Scott Catamas: well, let's just, let's just pretend that, you know, we just got back from our day; we've got a short period of time; and, right off the bat I start kissing you, and my hand is groping your breast.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Alright, and so I'm gonna be a jackal -- Should this be my self-talk?

Scott Catamas: Go ahead and just say what you would actually say then.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Alright. Okay.

Scott Catamas: You know, get pissed off at me.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Alright. Um... well, god, Scott, that was nice, but, um... Don't you think, um, we have other things to do? Haven't we talked about this before, I mean, I could use a little, like, heart-opening, or something. I mean, come on. I mean -- I mean, I'm stone cold here.

Scott Catamas: 'Kay, so, what she said to me was actually fairly mild. You know, Patti, you're just too sweet. Too hard for you to be a jackal. But, but even that, let -- I'm gonna give two responses. If I'm in jackal -- I, the man, am in jackal, then when I hear that I might feel defensive. And a jackal response might be denial. "Oh, come on. You know, I was just being loving." You know, or, "What's wrong with you?" You know, turning it around, making her wrong. Or a soft jackal response might be like, "Oh god, I'm such a jerk, I can't believe I did it again. She probably thinks I'm a  -- oh god, I'm just such a dummy." You know, those are the jackal responses. Ideally, what I want to do, is take that breath... (inhales deeply) Give myself some love, and in my mind just think to myself, okay, I really want to understand what's going on with Patti. She's communicating something really important. So, what took place took place, I can't change the past, but I can change my relationship to the past. And what's most important is for me to seek to understand what's going on with patty. And here come the magic words, "Patti, I really want to understand you. Tell me more about what just happened for you. 'Cause I do want to understand you."

Dr. Patti Taylor: You know, I'm just having a really hard day. And it's hard enough without being groped. I really need somebody to understand me, and to just be on my side for once. Um, you know, it's just really tough right now, for me. And, uh, it's creepy, I mean it just makes me want to just shut down. And we've had this conversation like at thousand times already. I mean, what is it you don't get about this conversation. I mean, how many times do I have to tell you?

Scott Catamas: So, that was a wonderful jackal response. Because most men would get really triggered by the word "groped", triggered by the word "creepy", triggered by, you know, "how many times do I have to tell you". And again, most of us, being human, would go, "Oh my god, she called me ‘creepy‘. And she says I'm groping her." And of course, no one wants to imagine themself as creepy, and a groper; and stupid, having to be told over and over. So, that's where, again, I'm going to have to give myself that self-talk of... Okay, even though I'm hearing some really hard words and I'm feeling really defensive, and part of me wants to just leave; part of me wants to shut down; and part of me wants to maybe, you know, get back at her... I'm gonna take it in and recognize that she's sharing with me some really important needs right now. What, besides hearing the words that might make me defensive, what else did she say? She said that she's had a hard day. She said that it's really important to her that she feels supported. She used the word "groped", which means she didn't experience my kissing her and touching her as an act of love. She experienced it in maybe an unpleasant way. So, it's important for me to really attempt to understand her. This is all what I'm thinking inside my mind. So hopefully, I -- and if it takes me a little moment, maybe what I need to do is say, "Patty, I really want to understand you. Can you just give me a minute to collect my thoughts. 'Cause I'm feeling a little defensive, and I want to just -- I do want to understand you, and I don't want to be defensive. So just give me a minute to collect my thoughts." I may need to do that in order to go through the process that I just came through. So after I collect my thoughts I might come back with... " So, Patti, let's see if I understand you. Um, you didn't experience my kissing you and touching you as acts of love; you felt like I was just charging ahead, wanting to meet my own needs; you didn't feel cared for; you didn't feel like your need for connection was being met; you didn't feel like your need for consideration was being met. Is that -- am I close? Is that some of the things that might have been going on for you?

Dr. Patti Taylor: Yeah... Absolutely. I mean, you know... You know, I have my whole day too, and the fact is I need some transition time. Um... I can't just -- I've been cooking dinner, I've been on the phone, and you walk in the door; and you know what, I can't just turn on and off like a Barbie doll. I need transition time.

Scott Catmas: That's really understandable. And, uh... I'm feeling embarrassed. I'm feeling sad. I wish I could do it over again, you know, 'cause I've been really excited about seeing you, and... I just want you to un -- I'd like for you to understand that I think that more took place just because I'm really attracted to you, and I've been thinking about our date all night long; all day long; looking forward to it. And, now I'm feeling kind of embarrassed 'cause I kind of, you know, acted more like a teenage boy than a mature man, and... We have had this conversation before. So, I just want you to know I am feeling embarrassed. And, I really do want to learn how to create that transition time, and how to connect with you in a way that... I want you to feel safe with me. And of course I want for you to experience, when I'm kissing you -- if you'll ever let me kiss you again, and if I ever touch you again -- I want you to experience it as a loving experience, and as something that's enjoyable. And certainly not as something creepy or being groped.

Dr. Patti Taylor: well, first of all, I just want to say this is unbelievable. I feel so heard. I'm, uh... Just stopped me in my tracks.

Scott Catamas: Now, I'm -- this is Scott kind of as the teacher. And thank you, Patti. For those of you listening, of course life doesn't always necessarily go so easily. But, I think we -- the roleplaying we were doing was pretty connected. And, what I did, that usually works, is I owned my vulnerability. Instead of getting defensive, I acknowledge I'm feeling embarrassed. And, let me say that anytime we can acknowledge our feelings -- "I'm feeling embarrassed, I'm feeling sad; I wish I could do it over again."  And you'll notice I did not say, "I'm sorry". Because sometimes "I'm sorry" can be a band-aid. "Oh, I'm sorry." Whereas if I can just acknowledge, beyond going, "I'm sorry", and explain it, I'm understanding. I wanna understand why it was uncomfortable for you, Patti. It was uncomfortable because you needed transition time. You didn't experience it as loving touch, you experienced it as being groped, and as creepy. So by feeding back what she said, hopefully she's really feeling connected, and feeling understood. And that's the key. It's not about me defending myself. But rather, really trying to understand what her experience was, and acknowledging that I'm embarrassed; and certainly that's not how I wanted it to be.

Dr. Patti Taylor: That's really beautiful. First of all, I just wanted to share, that was really hard for me to do that roleplay. Because, if I ever talk like that... You know, I think it would freak out my partner. I don't think I am at the point where.... well, I guess I can be a real bitch. (Laughter) Don't we all get that way?

Scott Catamas: well, of course.

Dr. Patti Taylor: I mean, I lose it...

Scott Catamas: We all have a jackal. You know, I mean, I love the Dalai Lama, he's like my favorite guy. And I'm sure that the Dalai Lama has an inner jackal, he's just learned how to tame it. Robert Gonzales is as popular as he is because he really embodies this work. And he talks about how he'll have a jackal response when his wife or his kids say something that triggers him. But he's learned how to -- in his imagination, in his mind -- quickly diffuse it, and switch from jackal to giraffe. And, as I do this work, as I coach couples, I'm learning how to do it more and more quickly myself. And my partner is also learning how to do it; it's really cool.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Yeah, right. So it's hard for me to say it and get into it, 'cause it's like, "Oh I can't even say that; it sounds so hurtful." And then of course I'm being vulnerable in admitting, well you know, I do fly off the handle sometimes and say horrible things. And I thought it was so beautiful that... To see you model what you said. 'Cause I had to sort of go through the trauma of just being that person, and... But then, what you share; I just felt my heart opening, and my turn-on go up. It's like, whatever went on before that, I didn't feel wrong. It was just like, oh, okay he got it, and now I can move on. And I got very present with you, and it drew me closer to you. It's like, okay well, I'd like to actually show you another way to come through the door, and what you could do actually, to have -- I don't mind showing you again...

Scott Catamas: Let's do it over! Let's do it again, take two!

Dr. Patti Taylor: Well, that's sexy!

Scott Catamas: And, you know, as a reminder for those of you listening. Whenever somebody says something -- especially someone that you do love, or have a good connection with -- anytime they say something to you that is angry or frustrated, and hurts; that feels hurt -- acknowledge within yourself, wow, that hurt. But recognize that they're just expressing that they have some need, or some desire that's really powerful. And if we can go beyond the way they said it, the  way they expressed it, and try to understand what's really going on; that's the act of compassion; that's the act of empathy.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Now, I'd like to just drill just a little bit deeper into this roleplay. What were you telling yourself? Can you explain how you had the where-with-all to be so calm and collected in what was probably a really difficult thing. I mean, I thought I was kind of harsh.
 
(laughter)

Scott Catamas: The second time you were, it was great.

Dr. Patti Taylor: (laughs) I went out of my way.

Scott Catamas: So here are the steps. And those of you who --- you know, it's a lot to give. If you go to Patti's website, you'll find a link to a worksheet. We'll post it up there tomorrow. And it's a worksheet that you can print off that kind of shows you how to do the process. And it's actually fairly simple. The first thing is, if, when somebody says something to us and we feel triggered, is ask yourself, "Can I handle this right now or do I need to take a break?" And sometimes Somebody's going to say something that triggers us so much we can't pull it together right then. It's just to likely that we're going to come back with an angry retort. And so, rather than saying, "F-you", we want to say the magic words, which are, "I really want to understand you, I really want to connect with you,"  and "I recognize I'm too angry right now; I'm too triggered; I need to calm down and get centered." And make an agreement, "Can we connect in ten minutes?" And sometimes we need ten days! You know, depending on how intense it is. Just be honest with yourself. How much time do I need to get myself together? Because it's better to only connect when I'm back in a centered place; in a state of compassion. Otherwise, it's only going to make things worse. So that's the first step. What do I need? How much time do I need to get centered? Now, if it's a little thing, or if I've gotten better at this work, then I can stay present and do it right now in the moment, like I was able to do with Patti in this demonstration. But, when we're first getting started, or if it's someone who really triggers us, or it's a very big issue, take that break, and go by yourself, or go with a friend, and get your thoughts in order.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, so now what. Let's just play this one out, okay. Let's just say that I have really pushed your button with "I've told you a thousand times," okay. And first of all, I don't know what the button is either. I exaggerate it, or you're feeling like an idiot, or whatever. So you've gone off. What are you telling yourself? How do you heal yourself now?

Scott Catamas: Great, thank you for asking that. So, that's exact -- and I'll continue with the example we gave. So, what I'm telling myself is where we usually get tricked up. Because we just hear the jackal words. So, the words that stood out for me were "creepy", "groping", and "how many times do I have to tell you." Those are the three things that I could get very defensive about. Because again, I don't want to be creepy, I don't want to be... you know, her to experience me as groping her; and I don't want to be felt as stupid. When I heard her say, "How many times do I have to tell you?" I'm telling myself, oh, she thinks I'm stupid; she thinks I'm a jerk. So, literally, on the worksheet, the first thing is, "What am I telling myself?" Now, the key is what I'm telling myself is not reality. What I'm telling myself are the words that hurt me. So I want to identify, those are just words, they're not reality. I'm not creepy, my being is not creepy. I'm not groping. That's how she experienced it. Then the second step after I get in touch with that, only what I'm telling myself, it's not reality. Then I get in touch with, "What am I feeling?" I'm feeling embarrassed. I'm feeling sad. My need for a connection with her wasn't met. My need for treating her with respect wasn't met. So, those are the steps, and that's what I fed back to her. I owned my vulnerability, I'm feeling embarrassed, I wish I could do it over again. I really want to have a quality connection with you. And, so that's kind of the three steps. And that's where you'll have on the worksheet -- oh, and with the fourth step, after you go through "What am I telling myself", "What am I feeling", "What am  I needing", is then, "How can I express this to the other person in a way that he or she will really hear me?"

Dr. Patti Taylor: Well, that's really beautiful, and I really love worksheets because I never trust my mind when I'm triggered to help figure things out. and I just want to say that even after I said that, that brought up a lot of emotion for me to even use those words; and I wouldn't use those words, but I know when I'm a bitch and then I go through my own version of, "Oh my god, I've just said something hurtful, and I have to do some self-soothing. So, we're gonna just take a break right now, and we'll gonna come back, and just maybe find out how we can do a little self-soothing. And then maybe find out what we can do to just have some fun and pleasure too.

Scott Catamas: Sounds great.

 

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, great. So, please stay with us. This is Dr. Patti Taylor, and we're talking about self-love, the core of intimate fulfillment with our guest Scott Catamas. You can find out more about Scott at his website, www.scottcatamas.info, and I'll spell that name for for you, s-c-o-t-t-c-a-t-a-m-a-s. okay be right back..

Dr. Patti Taylor: We're back, and, we're talking about how to soothe yourself when you've lost it, basically, and how to regain the loving intimacy that's possible. I just want to say that I have had the great fortune of having Scott on before with Lori Grace, and in episode 24. So, if you're really enjoying the show, we have an absolutely dynamite show called "Communication for intimate needs and desires". So I also want to encourage you to listen to that show; it's really, really hot. It is so great. So, anyway, so, what can we do to soothe ourselves? Okay, let's just say I'm sitting here now, and you can give me some coaching. I'm sitting here, and this does happen to me. I say, "Wow I got a little hot under the collar there, I don't know what happened. Um, he triggered some old childhood thing in me, I didn't mean to act -- he went off for ten minutes -- I didn't mean to act like that, and I feel horrible, god. I know he's got all these triggers, and I don't know how I'm gonna save this." So now I'm telling -- I'm just making things worse, I'm feeling terrible...

Scott: So, what we really want to recognize is that what makes us sick, what makes us miserable, is when we run through our brain, the same tape over and over and over. And I really liken it to drinking poison. So -- and we all do it, we're human. So, somebody says something to us that's hurtful. Or we have an experience that's hurtful. every time we replay that thought, or that experience, through our mind, it's like drinking poison. And doctors are actually discovering that when we run negative thoughts through our brain, it literally, there's a secretion, there's chemicals that go through our body that make us sick. So, it's very important to learn to discipline our thoughts. And if we're playing over and over in our mind, something that makes us unhappy -- a thought, a memory, an experience -- to learn, okay. I don't want to keep replaying this over and over in my  mind. So, we have to replace it with a more loving thought. So, the discipline, let's say I'm running over and over in my mind, she called me "creepy". Let's say, you know, using the example. For you Patti, you're playing over and over in your mind something that happened. First step is recognize, I've got a little addictive thought going on through my head. I don't want to have that thought going through my head. And then replace it with a more loving thought. Now there's two ways you can do it. One is to do an "I am" affirmation, which works for a lot of people. Something very simple like "I am loving." "I am being gentle with myself." Something simple, just a few words. "I am relaxed." That can work for other people. The other thing to do is to just hold your heart and breathe. And whatever your spiritual belief is, if you have a particular archetype -- it can be Jesus, or Krishna, or Mother Mary, or someone in your world that you really look up to, someone that you consider to be a very loving being. Just imagine that person holding you, gazing into your eyes, loving you. So that we're connecting to love instead of connecting to judgement.

Dr. Patti Taylor: I feel better already.

Scott Catamas: And it's, it is a discipline, you know. But, we all deserve to do that because we are here in this world to love each other. We're here to learn to love ourselves, we're here to learn to love each other. And, we have a choice in any given minute to choose love. We can choose to run that negative thought, "She called me creepy, she thinks I'm a jerk." I can run that through my mind a thousand times, or I can run through my mind, "I'm not a jerk, I'm not creepy, I want to change my behavior, I want to learn from this experience, and I want to remember that I'm a really beautiful guy, and I'm trainable, I'm willing to learn."

Dr. Patti Taylor: Well, that's really beautiful. And, um, we are going to close the show on that note, and pick up all of these thoughts in our second show. Can I just ask you very quickly, if you will support our show by filling out our survey at survey.personallifemedia.com; and I'd really love that. So, thank you, once again. Please send me email at [email protected], and you can get the links and transcripts on our website at personallifemedia.com. So, that's all for now. This is Dr. Patti Taylor, and I remain yours in ever-expanding love making, and I'll see you next week.

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