Episode 66: Why Mars and Venus Collide: Sexy Solutions (Part Two) with John Gray

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Dr. John Gray, author of the world’s best-selling book, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, shares from his newest book, “Why Mars and Venus Collide”. We learned in Part One about gender differences, oxytocin, and testosterone, and the profound effect that they can have on relationships. Now, let’s find out how all this translates in the bedroom. First we find out what oxytocin can do for a woman’s orgasms, physically as well as emotionally. We learn the important ways to stimulate oxytocin both in and out of the bedroom… in order to turn her on sexually… and Dr. Patti agrees these strategies work for her! Then, our attention goes to the man. Learn about age-specific strategies for getting a man to feel his testosterone levels go up, too. Find out, what can a woman say and do in bed to make a man feel he is being productive? Learn the various types of sex that couples can have to stay sexually active through the years. Learn why Dr. Gray wrote The Mars and Venus Diet and Exercise Solution, and engaged in much research, about the effect of nutrition on romance, sex and happiness. Find out which supplements help men and women be in a more loving mood for one another. Finally, take in Dr. Gray’s inspiring final thoughts to keep studying and learning in this ever-changing world. Truly this two part show is a world-class program you will want to hear and digest many times over. 

Transcript

This is Part 2 of a two-part podcast. If you’d like Part 1 you’ll find it at personallifemedia.com

Patti Patti Taylor:          Welcome to the Expanded Lovemaking show.  I’m your host, Dr. Patti Taylor of expandedlovemaking.com and I teach you how to make exquisite love. This is part two of a two part series on Why Mars and Venus Collide and now, we’ve been hearing all about why Mars and Venus collide in part one, so now we get to focus on how we kind of get some sexy solutions together. We’ve gotten a much better idea as to why men and women are different and even why they wind up at cross-purposes. So, let’s find out what they can do about it when they come closer together again. I’d like to welcome back our distinguished guest Dr. John Gray.

The more a woman feels seen and heard and touched and loved these things stimulate oxytocin. What that does is that brings a woman back to her personal preferences, that’s the part of her which is, literally, the weakest in women. They’re always thinking about what everybody else thinks, what everybody else wants, what everybody else needs. So it brings her back to just a growing awareness of what she likes. Silence is the best thing to let him know nothing’s happening and then you can move his hand somewhere and make a positive sound  “umm, like that”, something like that and that gives him the feedback he needs.  Men really, really appreciate that kind of feedback More than two words requires blood flow to the brain and he doesn’t have enough blood to go to the brain and down south at the same time.

Patti Patti Taylor:                      Welcome Dr. Gray.

John John Gray: Well, thank you so much Patti. It’s a real pleasure to be on your show again.

Patti Patti Taylor:                      It is absolutely my highest, most delighted pleasure to have you.  So I want to tell our guests just joining a little bit about Dr. Gray, of course, hopefully you’ll listen to Part one.  But Dr. John Gray is the bestselling relationship author of all time including the very sexy Mars and Venus in the Bedroom and his newest book, just out, is Why Mars and Venus Collide. So we’re going to go on. He is a seminar leader for over thirty years and he has a business linking better health and nutrition and we will talk a little bit about that too at the end today. So I’m really excited to hear about that as well. How does that lead to a richer and more fulfilling love life? Well, let’s get started. I want to find out, in terms of passion…Let’s talk about first what the man can do to be a better lover to a woman because as we said, first the man has to give the woman the oxytocin to have her feel full.

John Gray:        Exactly. Well oxytocin is this hormone that we’re learning, and most of the research over the last six years, that lowers cortisol levels for women and when cortisol levels drop for women that’s when they have the capacity to respond sexually the most. What’s ironic is we have all different variations of sexuality and what they’re finding with oxytocin is that when a woman feels nurtured and safe and supported her oxytocin levels gradually increase and that increases her sexual responsiveness to where then she’s capable of having orgasm and orgasms all due to an abundance of this hormone, oxytocin. Oxytocin was first learned to be what causes contractions to push the baby out; then they realized that it’s the contractions that allow orgasm to occur. That’s a release of oxytocin in her body. So she needs a certain build up. It’s a sense of safety, a sense of understanding, a sense of connection, a sense of cooperation – all of these things, they’re little things,  that add up that actually create for her to become more in the mood and men are just oblivious of that. Because for men to be in the mood it’s generally they need the hormone testosterone to be produced. Simple truth is I don’t even need my wife to turn my testosterone levels up I can just fix something that I think is going to make her really happy.  I was doing the plumbing the other day and had this great fix job and it was quite difficult and challenging whatever but afterwards, because I succeeded, my testosterone levels were shooting up and I’m ready to have sex. So a guy doesn’t necessarily understand a lot of the hormone differences between women. So you have to show some attention to her. She’s been busy thinking about other people all day long,  she needs some time to come back to feeling herself, what she feels, what she thinks, what she needs, what she wants, what she likes. And what she likes is often at the end of the list. Even if you look at the physiology of this, the most sensitive area in a woman’s body, where there’s millions of nerve endings go to one little point, which is the clitoris and for a man it’s the penis and the penis is what, a hundred thousand times bigger, if you actually look at the size of things in terms of volume, for men it’s this throbbing, pulsing me, me, me, me, me kind of a thing. And for women it’s a whole art to getting her to that place where’s she can feel me, me, me, me and what I like, what I want, what I need. And so it’s the art of relaxing her, supporting her, comforting her. And so what you need to know, for men to know, is that the most powerful way to produce that oxytocin, to help women get to that place maximum arousal is possible and automatic what women need is conversation. If you can listen to a woman talk and often when she talks about problems and when she’s done talking about problems say “tell me more” and ask some questions. The more she shares about how she feels the more open she becomes, the more responsive she can become. And doing little things without her having to ask.  Now ideally if he doesn’t do little things if women want to create romance they need to ask but when men can anticipate a woman’s wishes, needs and wants and suggest things, do things, offer things to assist her in supporting her needs, not big needs, little things, this has an amazing effect on her in the long run and in the short run in terms of producing the oxytocin for her to be responsive.

Patti Patti Taylor:          Now, I have a question for you. Does the oxytocin effect the part of your nervous system, the parasympathetic part of your nervous system?

John Gray:        Well what’s happening is elevated stress is stimulating your sympathetic nervous system.

Patti Taylor:      Which is the part that’s getting you all wired and…

John Gray:        That’s right. Worried and concerned and thinking about others and so forth.

Patti Taylor:      So elevated stress is getting you all frizzed out and nervous?

John Gray:        Exactly. And the parasympathetic nervous system is when your oxytocin levels are being stimulated your cortisol levels start to drop as the oxytocin activates your parasympathetic nervous system.

Patti Taylor:      This is very significant then because then the contractions that you’re feeling with the oxytocin then are the orgasmic contractions that are going to be wave after wave of pleasure that you would be feeling through your whole body if you were relaxed enough, you would actually be going into just these waves of pleasure, right?  This would be an expanded orgasmic state if you were open enough and had enough oxytocin going through your body, right?

John Gray:        That’s right. You need a man who has the patience and the understanding and the skill to deliver a lot of that.  But even if he did have all that if she doesn’t actually have the oxytocin in her body she can’t have that.

Patti Taylor:      Is it just conversation or are there other ways too?

John Gray:        That’s just one of the most powerful ways, is talking about your feelings. The more a woman feels seen and heard and touched and loved these things stimulate oxytocin. So massage, for example, and in the beginning of the massage, a non-sexual massage, is a major oxytocin producer and then as it moves into sexual massage, erotic massage, then it becomes also a major oxytocin producer. But the amount of stimulation needs to be consistent with the amount of oxytocin she’s got in her body.  If she’s only got 10% oxytocin then to be erotic is a turn off.  But if she’s up at 80% oxytocin then erotic stimulation is a big turn on and produces more oxytocin. So it’s got to be a gradual build. You can’t jump the gun with this.  And so you start with a foot massage, say, and a conversation, eye contact when she’s talking. This is a major thing, men don’t realize the power of this, just not saying anything while she’s talking about her day or how she feels and maintaining eye contact while she’s doing it, she feels seen and heard, understood and this has a huge impact. It can also just be physical contact has been proven, like a massage, has been proven to be a major oxytocin producer. So a warm up even before it becomes erotic is to give her a massage is a real key thing. Shopping is a key thing. All you’re doing is looking at things she would like.  When Bonnie and I go on romantic getaways it often involves some little town somewhere and we start looking at all the shops and we’re not even going to buy anything. I mean, we’ve got everything but just that she can look around and think I could get this for so-and-so or what I like and what people are buying.   See what that does is it brings a woman back to her own personal preferences, that’s the part of her that literally is the weakest in women. There’s always thinking about what everybody else thinks, what everybody else wants, what everybody else needs. So it brings her back to just a growing awareness of what she likes. Also not being rushed. When I take my wife out on a date I always try to plan 15 extra minutes I don’t even tell her about so that if there’s a traffic jam or something I can say, “No problem. I bumpered this with an extra 10 minutes” and feels like, “Oh! He’s so considerate. He’s so caring, he’s thinking ahead, he’s thinking about me.” And that sense of non-rush also assists her in creating oxytocin.

Patti Taylor:      Well that does it. I’m buying a case of your books and I’m giving them to every man I know. They don’t need to talk to me anymore I’m just handing them this book. You’ve hit every one of those things that I would want, exactly on the nose. I have another question for you.

John Gray:        Let me make one comment on that…

Patti Taylor:      Oh, please.

John Gray:        What’s relevant about this, why a book is helpful is I was just in Denmark and a guy said to me, “Well what’s new about this John? We all know women want more romance.” And I go, “Well what’s new about this is it creates a context to understand why these little things that men often think are not important are important and when a man can recognize, at least intellectually, “oh my gosh, I’ve been ignoring all these things because I thought it was no big deal.” Because for him it’s no big deal.

Patti Taylor:      Well I’ll tell you what I like what you said was when you said, just the way you laid it out about the oxytocin. When they don’t have very much they can’t handle the erotic.  You can’t fill up Shea Stadium when someone has a cup the size of a thimble and offer them Shea Stadium, they’re not going to want it. You need to offer them a thimble amount if that’s what they have. And I think if a woman has enough, because of her stress, that’s what you offer and you start there and that’s what you’re saying And you make it very clear and I like that and I think people need that clarity and I think relating it to the hormones is very good because they’re hormonal.

John Gray:        It’s the only way I could do it. I mean there’s so many ideas when I wrote Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus I said there’s no way I can bring this out to the public because it would sound so sexist. Because even the amount of differences I did point out people were saying, “Where’s the research? Where’s the research?” and were very critical of my work until it just became so popular because it’s what I always said. I said, look you don’t have to research for this, you just have to be married, this is just common sense.

Patti Taylor:      I do have a question for you. How about women those take a little bit of testosterones, to supplement? That’s okay, isn’t it, a little later on in life?

John Gray:        First of all let’s look at taking hormones. There’s no research at all on any of these taking hormones in terms of the long effects, except the research which has been done which shows it is not beneficial to women. There was the women who were taking the menopausal hormones and they had to stop the study because 30% were getting breast cancer, now it turns out it was 50% and they couldn’t detect it. And now it turns out they’ve just found, this is not yet for the news, they’re waiting to bring this out but the research has been done at Stanford, is that these people who were doing hormones were having early onset Alzheimer’s and dementia. So I caution anybody, in my humble opinion, is to take any hormones, particularly when you can get the same effect trying something else. And there are all these wonderful, natural, herbal products that will allow your body to make an abundance of these healthy beneficial hormones.  It is testosterone certainly does create in women a desire to have sex but it doesn’t give them the potency to respond sexually. But testosterone in a woman does create more of a desire so she’s thinking about it more. But you can easily increase a woman’s you have to ask, “well, why does she have low testosterone in the first place?” she will also always have low oxytocin in my experience because what’s keeping her from having an abundance of hormones is elevated cortisol levels, remember that’s the stress hormone?  When cortisol levels are elevated then that means the body stops making a hormone called DHEA. The adrenal gland pumps out sympathetic action and when that’s happening it stops making testosterone, it stops making – for women – the oxytocin and the estrogen and the progesterone and all the hormones women need and how they to balance them, it goes out of balance when women are under chronic stress. The remedy for this is to lower their stress levels. But if you want to look at the physical remedies which, again I have my program where I’m talking about physical remedies all the time to balance these psychological and behavioral remedies we’re talking about today there’s one simple product if a woman wants to increase her testosterone levels which is you just go and you buy right in the health food stores, it’s very common today, there’s an herb from China, which is called – it also can be found in America too – epimedium.  Epimedium is the slang term for that is Horny Goat Weed. Horny Goat Weed epimedium is a grass that grows on the hillsides and they found that when the goats were on those hills they had lots of sex. What clinical research has shown that epimedium actually lowers cortisol levels in both men and women. They don’t know why it acts as an aphrodisiac but they do know it lowers cortisol levels. But I know why. Because all the new research shows that when you lower stress levels women’s oxytocin levels will increase.

Patti Taylor:      Well that’s amazing. I’m sticking with the shopping and the erotic massage and all of that.

John Gray:        Yes. I would skip the testosterone supplementation.

Patti Taylor:      I really want to hear what you have to say about nutrition which means we have to go to a break because I also want to hear what you have to say to the men. I’m going to ask our listeners please stay with us, we are going to take a short break to support our sponsors and this is Dr. Patti Taylor and I am here with Dr. John Gray and we are having a great time. You can learn more about Dr. John Gray at his website, marsvenus.com and I want to say he’s got an hour-long program every week on wellness as well as an hour-long program every week on relationship. And he also talks about his nutritional stuff which we’re also going to talk about pretty soon. I can’t wait to find out about it. So that’s a little bit about his website, marsandvenus.com. So anyway, please stay with us, we’ll be right back.

Patti Taylor:      We’re back and we’re talking about Why Mars and Venus Collide. Well, it doesn’t seem like they have to, does it?

John Gray:        Well we have collided but we don’t have to have that be conflict, that’s the key. Intersection can be great sex or it can be conflict.

Patti Taylor:      Right. Well how about women now. Women have to get men in the mood too and what are some things that they can do?

John Gray:        Well this is very age-dependent okay. There’s very little you need to do when a man’s under 35 to get him into the mood. You can certainly turn him off and one of the things that turns a man off is messages that say that he has disappointed you, that’s he not enough for you, and sexual rejection. Consistent sexual rejection, several times in a row, a man just starts losing interest. So that’s one aspect of it. But then the man over 35 in the West, this isn’t around the world but this is in the western world, in the western modern society, men’s testosterone levels start dropping at 35 years old. Every year they’re dropping a few percent and this is a new phenomenon.  If you go to indigenous cultures it doesn’t happen but it’s due to a lot of our lifestyle stress. It’s also due to our eating habits and so forth and probably the marital habits we have as well. Men’s testosterone levels will start to decline in which case how do you get a man interested in sex? How do you respond to him in such a way that he becomes interested? And I know that…first we’ll deal with the younger women who want to make their man feel satisfied in the bed. It primarily comes from giving him the message that he’s done a good job. And so what you want to make sure is that you’re vocal, appropriately vocal, in the bedroom. Which means that if he’s touching you in a way that gives you pleasure make sure you make some sort of a sound that lets him know he’s doing the right thing. And here’s a little thing to know is that generally when men do the right thing then they think, “Okay. What should I do next?” They don’t realize that you’re doing the right thing that you can just keep doing that. So a woman will often feel a sense of pleasure, make a response and then the man changes what he’s doing, might be touching a certain place and he moves somewhere else and if he does move somewhere else you can always put his hand back and say, “Umm, like this a lot. More.” And the key with men is always use really short sentences, brief comments and they always need to be positive.  Literally the best is move his hand places and make a sound, but don’t make sounds that say he did a bad job, do sounds that say he did a good job. Silence is the best thing to let him know nothing’s happening and then you can move his hand somewhere and make a positive sound, “umm, like that” something like that and that gives him the feedback he needs. Men really, really appreciate that kind of feedback, letting him know he’s doing a good job in making her happy.

Patti Taylor:      How ‘bout, “ooo, ooo! Don’t stop. Don’t stop”?

John Gray:        That’s it. That’s good.

Patti Taylor:      That’s good? Okay. Keep going.

John Gray:        Keep going. Like it. Like it.

Patti Taylor:      Short sentences. Absolutely. Two words or less.

John Gray:        In a practical sense, more than two words requires blood flow to the brain and he doesn’t have enough blood to go to the brain and down south at the same time.

Patti Taylor:      Two words or less. Don’t stop. Keep going.

John Gray:        Harder, softer, faster. Those are good things. Feedback is the most positive thing for a man and that’s he’s doing a good job, letting him know what makes you happy and so forth. It’s a delicate subject, we talked about it last time we did a show but it’s always good to talk again which is the most important thing for a man is when they initiate sex that they don’t feel rejected or minimized or dismissed in some way. So if you’re really not in the mood and you’re not interested make sure you give a positive response. “Oh! That sounds like fun, let’s do it tomorrow. I know I’ll be more in the mood tomorrow, I’m so stressed now.” Something brief, short and don’t expect him to go “Oh. Okay. Great.” But just let it be and as he’s anticipating tomorrow it will all come back. Now that’s one approach for solving that problem. Another is to have a very positive attitude about quickies. I wrote a whole book, Mars Venus in the Bedroom, really to provide a context and an understanding so sex can always be a win-win for men and women. And I divided sex up into terms of quickie sex which is kind of like junk food sex, then there’s healthy, home-cooked sex and then there’s gourmet sex. And gourmet sex is basically after a romantic evening, it’s lots of time, it’s lots of foreplay, it’s making sure she gets lots of whatever her body’s wanting and needing at that time to have her climax. Healthy home cooked sex is about thirty minutes, you make sure you have at least that much time, for ten, fifteen minutes of foreplay, five, ten minutes of intercourse and some afterglow together. And in that ten, fifteen minutes of foreplay you’re making sure that if she’s in the mood for a climax she’s going to be able to get one.  And that’s what important for men to get which is sometimes women can enjoy sex and not have a climax and other times to enjoy sex they have to have a climax. Whereas men are very different from that: every morning they’re like the sun, it rises. If they want their climax, if they’re aroused they want to climax. Women don’t have to have a climax every time and so it’s sort of a discovery process for a woman. So there shouldn’t be any pressure on her to have a climax but at the same there should be enough time for her to have a climax if she’s in the mood for one. And then there’s quickie sex, which is not about her having a climax, it’s not even about her having any positive responses but it’s mainly a gift for him and that’s so he doesn’t feel sexually rejected ever. And basically it lasts a couple of minutes, just put on some lubrication and it’s a quickie. And if you do a quickie then a man always knows he’s never going to be rejected but what will happen more and more he’ll want the healthy home-cooked sex and he’ll be more interested in the gourmet sex but it’s also good to have the quickies. And then for the man over 35, 40 there’s also quickies for women that I recommend. Which is if he’s not in the mood what she can do is just say something comforting to him “Gee honey. You’ve just been so wonderful lately,  I’m so turned on but I know how hard you’ve been working and I know how tired so I’m just going to take care of myself here tonight and I’ll try to be quiet but sometimes I get a little noisy but I don’t want you to feel any pressure but at the same time if at any time you want to join in you’re welcome.” And what happens is when she’s pleasuring herself, literally, in the presence of her partner, her hormones will start to increase, her oxytocin levels go up, that produces pheromones, pheromones activate his sexual impulses and towards her getting closer and closer to climax it literally will wake him up and he can then do the honors. So it becomes another form of quickie where she takes care of herself and lets him join in at the end.

Patti Taylor: Well, all of these sound like the recipe for a great marriage or partnership.

John Gray:        They are. It’s creating room for everybody to get what they need.  It’s being creative. We all have these basic needs. For women it becomes a much stronger need for their fulfillment as they get older.  For a man it’s always going to be their need but the problem is once men hit 35, 40 they don’t realize how important that need is for them and so they miss out on it and then and then they start having things like belly waist and they start having heart attacks and all that stuff and that’s a direct response to low testosterone levels. The Japanese did research on this and showed that when men don’t have sex every week, at least, their testosterone levels will start to drop and now their interest in sex becomes even less and so they have less sex and that’s really the beginning of old age, is when men stop being interested in sex.  And it’s happening too soon for too many people. And women, we need your help. With the right insight and inspiration you can keep us sexually active our whole lives.

Patti Taylor:      Well, it’s sad but true for both men and women, use it or lose it. It’s unfortunate. But it’s reversible too; so use it and get it back.

John Gray:        it is reversible. It can come right back. Just being a little clever in some of these approaches can help us to do that.  And I don’t want in any way to diminish the importance of nutrition. It’s just so important.

Patti Taylor:      So we’re going to get right to that. And I just wanted to say one final comment.  The thing I like about the picture you laid out there is the diversity. It’s not all one way. I don’t always want to have an orgasm and I teach Expanded Orgasm, “No. I’m not in the mood. Let’s just move on already.” Sometimes I do. I’m lucky I have that option but I think diversity is the name of the game and I love diversity so I love that you painted a very diverse picture full of quickies and long drawn out meals and everything in between.

John Gray:        I want to validate what you just said which is for many women listening believes it’s actually a breath of fresh air to hear someone who’s capable of having expanded orgasm, believes in the fulfillment of that who also sometimes doesn’t want to have an orgasm but can be very satisfied with a brief and intimate encounter with their partner they love. This is so refreshing for women to hear because they feel so pressured to fit into some mold that somebody says they should be.

Patti Taylor:      I know. I know. Well, now you heard it from me. A, I don’t always want to have an orgasm B, and I have quickies with my partner too, where it’s like, let’s just touch. It’s very nice that way and it’s just what do we want in this minute and I think guys are different than women and it’s beautiful that way. I love it. I like that guys are different, you know? Really works for me. They’re always running around and doing stuff for me. I like that

John Gray:        That’s right. Keep them busy.

Patti Taylor:      Live a long time and make me happy is just how it works for me. Well, listen we’re going to take a short break to support our sponsors so please listen to them because they support our show. In the meantime, this is Dr. Patti Taylor and I’m here with Dr. John Gray. And you can learn more about Dr. John Gray at his website, marsvenus.com.

Patti Taylor:      We’re back and we’re talking about why Mars and Venus collide, which is also the name of John Gray’s great new book which he himself says is the most important book he’s written since Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and I can see why. I would say it’s the profound underpinnings and also advances to what galvanized a generation to make that the best selling relationship book in the world. I think this is really the next generation of that but even better. So, Why Mars and Venus Collide is that book that John Gray wrote to be the successor I believe, the true heir to that throne. Wouldn’t you say, John?

John Gray:        Well it certainly has updated everything. We live in a different world today and we need to start reinterpreting what’s going on so we can make sense of it and realize that with every challenge the opportunities for greatness are even more.

Patti Taylor:      Even from when you wrote Mars and Venus there’s so much more stuff.

John Gray:        What’s exciting for me is I know so much more since I wrote that book and the research which has been done on the hardwiring in our brains, the hormonal differences, the way men and women respond to things has opened my awareness even further than all the observations I did for Men are From Mars.

Patti Taylor:      Well, I think a lot of your observations are accurate and now you’ve just gotten to see why.

John Gray:        That’s exactly it. That’s why I made it “Why” Mars and Venus Collide.

Patti Taylor:      One of the things I think is so exciting about you is you really are sort of a very dedicated, fierce kind of researcher, a brilliant mind. And I don’t people probably who are very familiar with you maybe know that about you. This kind of insane, fierce intelligence about you that’s penetrating and never-ending but that has led you not only into hormonal research which is very, very complex and scientific – it’s not lightweight stuff – so I but really respect that. But not only that, but also nutrition. So I would be so excited if you would share with us why this has also become your passion.

John Gray:        It’s so important. Once you start realizing one of the symptoms of stress – we’ve been talking about stress and how it takes its toll on our relationships and our sex life – well, stress will always be linked to excessive blood flow to the brain, to the emotional part of the brain. When we’re under stress there’s going to be more blood flow to the emotional part of the brain. That causes us to feel distress. Then the brain will release serotonin to relax that part of the brain and it will relax the blood flow and then we start to feel better again. To make serotonin to cope with the stress we need to have stable blood sugar. Let’s say the brain has learned, and the brain learns this, it says, “Okay.  If I’m under stress let me talk about the stress” – this is for a woman, the way her brain’s wired up – “let me talk about what I’m upset about. Talking about what I’m upset about will stimulate serotonin production and then that part of the brain becomes relaxed.” But what if she’s now used up her serotonin that she’s produced in the morning and she needs to make more serotonin? She’ll talk in order to stimulate the production of serotonin but if her blood sugar’s not balanced, meaning if she doesn’t have stable blood sugar, then she can’t make serotonin. Then she feels like she’s not getting enough out of the conversation and then she’ll just keep talking and talking and when she doesn’t get enough then she’ll just keep thinking about it over and over and over and that’s called obsessive thinking that women will fall into. They’ll just keep thinking about this over and over and over.  Some men will get into it who’re low in serotonin but particularly women.  It’s about ten times more women. And they will then start to have this chronic thinking, chronic stress state and the solution to it, as I mentioned before, if she can talk and share about what’s going on in her life then suddenly serotonin gets produced and she’ll become more relaxed and remember all the good things. But, if her blood sugar’s low then she’ll keep talking and talking and talking and she won’t be able to make the serotonin. So it becomes imperative then to stabilize blood sugar. So then I started searching all the possible ways to stabilize blood sugar. And it turns out, first of all the symptoms so that people can recognize this,  besides obsessive thinking, it’s whenever you eat a meal and you feel tired later or two hours later you start to feel a slump, that means you don’t have stable blood sugar. And this is becoming very common today. It didn’t used to be this way.  It used to be that you’d eat a meal and you’d have plenty of energy for four to five hours. Now people eat a meal and some people feel tired right after the meal, other people feel tired a few hours later, and are then looking for an energy drink, they’re looking for a soft drink, they’re looking for some kind of snack food or whatever because the meal didn’t do it. The meal didn’t stabilize their blood sugar. So the problem is not just health the problem is also not enough serotonin.  It turns out the University of Toronto in Canada has been researching the effects of certain fibers on blood sugar and they found that the combination of three fibers – konjack root, alginate and xanthan gum –  when combined at a certain temperature, dramatically increase their individual potency to stabilize blood sugar.  So it becomes like a super fiber and it’s a viscous fiber. Not all fibers are the same but it’s a viscous fiber that absorbs water and also holds back the release of carbohydrates into your blood stream so it’s not quickly released but almost like a time-release carbohydrate into your blood stream. So throughout the day you always have enough sugar to make serotonin to help you cope with stress. So I see it as imperative for people if they want emotional and mental well being as well as unlimited energy to cope with life’s stresses, they need to have stable blood sugar. So the name of the brand, it’s been out for years this product, nobody knows about it, it’s just a big kept secret, but it’s called PGX. It’s a company called Natural Factors has made it available to the public; there are some other companies finally are making copies of it. But PGX is the form which is out there. I even carry it in my website. I want everybody to know about it. It’s a fantastic product, PGX, and you can also add a little 5-HTP which is the extract of griffonia seed from Africa and make plenty of serotonin. 5-HTP will convert right into serotonin. It’s been proven, in clinical research, to be more effective than anti-depressants yet nobody knows about it.  It’s a cheap little herb from Africa, an extract from seeds, and suddenly you’re making an abundance of serotonin. So I make that available at my You have for men, who run out of dopamine, as women run out of serotonin men tend to run out of dopamine which is what makes them focused and interested in the relationship as we talked before it helps men them feel inspired and motivated when they have plenty And there’ something called the velvet bean from Brazil, You can take the extract of velvet bean and it’s all natural, it’s an extract and it converts right into dopamine. Then men have more focus, more interest and so forth as long as they also have balanced blood sugar. So I combine those two things together and tell people, “Take this and it will help your relationships.” So suddenly we’re starting to see that nutrition can have a dramatic effect on our relationships because food has a huge effect in helping us to cope with stress effectively or not effectively.

Patti Taylor:      That’s interesting. Can the women take the velvet bean too?

John Gray:        No. they don’t need it. Women can but they don’t really need it. When they don’t have that motivation, inspiration the first thing you want to deal with women is to help their female side and then automatically they go into balance with their male side.  In a few rare cases a woman might need more dopamine but typically…if you’re a woman and you have that feeling that “oh. I have so much to do and I don’t have time” that’s because you have too much dopamine. So you don’t want to be taking more dopamine which is one of the problems with diet drinks. Diet drinks have something called phenylalanine which is a chemical substance that will actually convert straight into dopamine which is why drinks they become addictive, it causes us to feel pleasure in the brain but it lowers serotonin.  So one of the worst things for women today is all those diet drinks because it will lower their serotonin levels and increase their stress levels and it makes them addicted to it.

Patti Taylor:      Now I know on your site you also recommend cleanses.

John Gray:        I think ultimately we live in a big toxic society, like plastic bottles for the water we drink and plastic packaging, just the plastics, they’re filled with estrogens. All pesticides are filled with estrogens. These are called xeno-estrogens and what people have to know is that estrogen is the fat storing hormone so the more estrogens you get in your body the more your body stores fat and also estrogen pushes down testosterone which makes us both less interested in sex. We have all these extra estrogens in our body, we have to be able to get rid of them. And one of the most powerful ways to get rid of them is short, short cleansing fasts. And I teach people how to have a liquid fast diet for one or two days, how to prepare for it, how to complete it and I call that my Mars Venus Cleansing Diet. We even have a free eBook on how people can cleanse the body. And I do wellness retreats at my ranch for four days where I take a group of 40 people through a cleanse and the average weight loss is six to seven pounds,  not that we’re doing it to lose weight, we’re doing it to cleanse our bodies so our brains work better. So it’s like a brain cleanse. People think of cleansing as a colon cleanse. This is not a colon cleanse.  It’s a whole body cleanse, particularly a brain cleanse, to help the body get rid of these extra estrogens and heavy metals that interfere with optimal function.

Patti Taylor:      Well, I know we’ve just touched on some of these things here but I’m very excited to hear about the PGX, the Natural Factors.  I’ve never heard of that before. The 5-HTP I’ve been familiar with for a long time. I don’t know…you haven’t written a book on the nutrition yet, have you?

John Gray:        I have written the book the Mars Venus Diet and Exercise Solution.

Patti Taylor:      So then you can find out about it in there, right?

John Gray:        It definitely gives you a variety of recipes that I have in that book. And right now, just to let people know, it’s actually selling I think for a dollar at my website. For a few months we’re doing the Mars Venus Initiative which is anybody for their library, or for crisis centers, for counseling centers or for individuals in need, I made a large portion of my products all for free for people to come and use these resources because we’re under a lot of stress today and we need more help and so that’s available at my website. People click on…right at the very top it says the Mars Venus Initiative.

Patti Taylor:      I absolutely think people should come and check this out. I’m going to spend some time looking this over.  We are coming to the end of the show. I can’t thank you enough. I would like to invite you to just leave us with an inspirational thought of some kind of another before we close out the show.

John Gray:        I was helping some couples…I’m actually writing a book now called Living in the Empty Nest, couples who are thinking about getting a divorce, should we stay together,  the kids are grown up and the question that comes up is sex really that important? Because many people they’ve lost that sexual connection, they’ve lost that passion together and they don’t know how to bring it back and they want to just be friends and continue on and that’s certainly the easy route but it just doesn’t work today.  And sex is that important. Today we’re under more stress than ever before and having a sustained, passionate, loving sex life is one of the most powerful ways to help both men and women cope with the enormous amount of stress in our busy lives. It’s for our health, it’s for our happiness, it’s for our connection, it’s a possibility that exists in front of us today but it takes a new level of understanding. It’s not going to happen overnight, it’s a skill, it takes knowledge, it takes listening to shows like this which talk about expanded lovemaking, it’s a knowledge about life, it’s a wisdom that we have to seek out to find the answers for and put into practice through our experience and if it doesn’t work the first time don’t give up, keep going at it because this is what’s going to make our lives more rich and more fulfilled but also make this a better world. Because collisions are happening everywhere. And when our most intimate collisions between men and women can be successful that provides a foundation for creating love and peace throughout the whole world.

Patti Taylor:      Wow. Wow. From my heart to yours. It’s been a joy to be in the presence f your mastery and your genius and on behalf of all my listeners I deeply, deeply thank you for sharing as you have.

John Gray:        Oh, you’re very welcome. It’s a real pleasure for me too.

Patti Taylor:      I’m going to close the show on this note. One more time I invite all our listeners to explore what John Gray has to say at marsvenus.com and his other great number of works; he’s written 16 books. One more thing. I do have a survey out to find out who’s listening to our show, it will help us bring great sponsors to our show. Go to survey.personallifemedia.com. That’s all you have to do. It’s fast, it’s easy, takes like five minutes. I filled it out.  So I probably skewed it off to some crazy direction, you can too if you take it. That’s our show. That’s us, right? So please fill it out. Anyway, thank you all for listening. That does bring us to the end of our show. Please send me email at [email protected]. And for text and transcripts of this show and other shows please visit our website at peronallifemedia.com. Also, please visit me, Dr. Patti Taylor, at expandedlovemaking.com where you can join my mailing list and find out more about my products, services and events. This is Dr. Patti Taylor. And that’s all for now. I remain yours in ever-expanded lovemaking and I’ll see y you next week.

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