Episode 58: Orgasmic Urban Tantra for Women (Part Two) with Barbara Carrellas

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Hear Dr. Patti chat with Barbara Carrellas, sex educator and author of the bestseller, “Urban Tantra”, about giving and receiving orgasmic awaking erotic massages to women. Find out how you can use breath to go into orgasmic states. Learn that you really can “fake it till you make it”. Do Dr. Patti and Barbara use breath to enhance feeling by breathing? If so, is there more than one kind of breathing? What would these kinds of breaths sound like? Then, learn some of the kinds of strokes that you can give a woman on her labia, heart, abdomen, clitoris, and internally. Find out where Dr. Patti and Barbara have similar tastes in pleasuring! And, is a hard woman good to find, and if so, why? (Hint: use the word “engorgement” in your answer.) Is an electric vibrator a good thing, and if so, what is the optimal type, large or small? How might you use one? Where might you use one? The answers may surprise you. This show is full of fun, surprises, and turn-on! Your girlfriend or wife will thank you many times over for taking careful notes and listening more than once to this show, full of useful facts that will be helpful, as well as thoroughly entertaining!

Transcript

Announcer:  This program is intended for mature audiences only.

[music]

Dr. Patti Taylor: Welcome to the Expanded Lovemaking show.  I’m your host, Dr. Patti Taylor, of ExpandedLovemaking.com and I teach you how to make exquisite love.  This is part two of a two part series.  And we’re back with Barbara Carrellas and we’re talking about Urban Tantra and how to make exquisite love with Urban Tantra.

Barbara Carrellas: The most important element of an erotic awaking massage is the breath.  By which I mean conscious breathing.  The most important job for the giver in an erotic awaking massage is to encourage the receiver to keep breathing.

It might start like this:

[long deep inhale and exhale noises and sighs]

Little sounds help.

[more breathing and sighs]

It might obviously might go to:

[Faster breathing and moans]

And what you focus on you get more of.  You focus on orgasm, you prioritize orgasms, you make orgasms important to you, you get more orgasms, end of subject.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Let me welcome you back, Barbara.

Barbara Carrellas: Thank you.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Yes. So we have been talking about how to give a man a great erotic awakening and now we are going to be talking about how to give a woman a wonderful erotic awakening massage.

But let me tell you a little bit about Barbara for those of you who are just hopping on.  Barbara Carrellas is the author of the best selling book, Urban Tanta: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century.  Her pioneering book, is Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century. And she leads pioneering Urban Tantra workshops which have been named the best in New York City by Time Out New York Magazine.

So let’s just dive right in and find out now how to give women some of these amazing awakening massages.

Barbara Carrellas: Well, if you were listening to the podcast that preceded this you heard about how to give a man - a person with a penis - a great erotic awakening massage.  Some of the beginning of the massage is the same for both, and any and all genders. I’ll repeat a little of that because I’m not going to assume that people heard the previous podcast.

The most important element of an erotic awaking massage is the breath.  By which I mean conscious breathing.  All conscious means is you are going to keep your awareness focused on the breath.

If you are like most people who grew up in western culture, it can be really challenging to keep breathing while you are receiving pleasure. Here’s why, I think.  Most of us growing up, men and women, in this culture learned - as everybody does, really - we first learned about sex with ourselves through masturbation. 

Well, what do we learn through masturbation, in this culture?  We learn two things:  Be quiet, be quick.  So the very best way to be quiet and make any noise during sex, with yourself or anyone else, is to not breathe.

Then we learn to be quick.  So we hold our breath so we don’t make any noise and we bear down and we try to come as fast as we can. And we imprint that mode of sexuality on our bodies.  That is how we learn to have sex.

Not to mention that as you know as young people sex is frowned upon. So we’re in the back of a car. The quiet and quick rule applies again. So now we imprint it with a partner. By the time we’re adults, it’s really difficult to keep breathing as we approach orgasm.  Our bodies have simply been programmed another way.

Often, when I teach people erotic breath work, which is just really simple. Just breath intentionally. Gently with as little effort as possible.  In and out through the mouth.

[Long inhale and exhale with sigh]

Put your attention, your focus on the inhale and relax the exhale out. Just let the exhale fall out.  Real simple breaths

I encourage people to practice at home with themselves, alone.  Because then you will be able to notice when you stop breathing. And where you stop breathing.  And you can gently remind yourself to breathe again.

What most people will discover is that it will take them longer to reach orgasm when they’re breathing. My analogy is this. When you don’t breathe much it’s like filling a coffee cup with erotic energy.  Just the area near the genitals.  And that’s a nice orgasm. It’s a little volcanic quickie. Mount Saint Helens Orgasms, I call them.

But if you are breathing consciously all the way up into orgasm you’re filling a ten gallon jug of erotic energy.  So naturally it’s going to take you a little longer to do that. But the payoff is a much deeper, longer more ecstatic experience - orgasm and total experience. Or multiple orgasms.

So the most important job for the giver in an erotic awakening massage is to encourage the receiver to keep breathing. No sensual massage stroke, no genital massage stroke will make up for a person who is not breathing.  So breath coach is your first job, givers.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Now Barbara, let me ask you a question. First of all, I want to say that I completely agree with you in the sense that …my best orgasms are when I am breathing deeply.  And in fact the more turned on I get, just naturally the deeper I breathe. That’s my natural pattern.

Barbara Carrellas: Right. 

Dr. Patti Taylor:  I don’t go harder and faster. I actually go longer and deeper. And that is completely natural on my part. It’s automatic. So I know what you are talking about.

But what would you say to the woman that isn’t feeling very much.  So she’s maybe, kind of not breathing very well because she’s trying to get some feeling going.  Or she’s tense because she’s not feeling very much.  Isn’t there’s a place where maybe she needs…maybe she’s kind of not breathing very much because she’s tense or there’s something going on?  I mean, doesn’t she need to get the feeling going before the breathing?

Barbara Carrellas: No.  Not in my experience.  The more you breathe the more you feel.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Yes, But what if her partner is not on her clit. You know what I’m saying?

Barbara Carrellas: Well first…well there’s two parts of it. There are two parts here. 

Dr. Patti Taylor: Ok.

Barbara Carrellas: Obviously if your partner isn’t touching your clit or wherever you need to be touched, you need to tell them. You need to give them feedback. Which there is so much room for in the erotic awakening massage. You don’t have to stop breathing to give them feedback. If fact, you can’t talk if you stop breathing.

[laughing]

Barbara Carrellas: The breath will do all the things you are describing.  It will relax you, if you want a relaxing breath because you‘re feeling tense, breath in and out through your nose.

If you want a charging breath to get more into it, to get more turned on, breathe in and out through your mouth.  The breath will connect you and then focus on your body.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Ok can you demonstrate a charging breath for us.  Because I love what you are saying about the breathing.

Barbara Carrellas: Ok. The charging breath?

Dr. Patti Taylor: Yes.

Barbara Carrellas: It’s the same one I just said. Focus on the inhale relax the exhale.

It might start like this:

[long deep inhale and exhale noises and sighs]

Little sounds help.

[more breathing and sighs]

It might obviously might go to:

[Faster breathing and moans]

And beyond.

 

Dr. Patti Taylor: Now this is the way - you’re absolutely right. This is the exactly the way we are extremely turned on.

Barbara Carrellas: However, when we are trying to find our turn on that’s when we stop breathing. So we need to breathe as though we already were turned on. Because that in fact is what makes us more turned on. If that makes sense.

The other way to put it really simply is fake it until you feel it. And then you feel it. And I actually recommend the FITYFI, fake it ‘til you feel it, for all sorts of erotic techniques.  Including people who think they are suffering from low desire. Often when we just go, “Hey, I need sex, it is time for sex, even if I don’t feel like it.  I will feel like it after I get there.”

Dr. Patti Taylor: You know, I agree with you there too. I have orgasms… I go and I have may orgasms like clockwork. Like clockwork! I just have them whether I’m in the mood or not.  I just go and do it.

Barbara Carrellas: Yes.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Because I believe that being orgasmic is having a life force. And, Guess what, one shows up whether I was planning on it or not.

Barbara Carrellas: Right. Right. And it is just - eroticism it’s like anything else. Then stop going to the gym everyday and then stopped going to the gym.  Wouldn’t your muscles start to get smaller?  Wouldn’t you stop - if you weren’t in the habit to go the gym everyday, it wouldn’t occur to you to go the gym everyday. Even though you might look great and feel great when you finish your workout. I don’t mean to reduce sex just to that but in fact there is that element to it.

And what you focus on you get more of.  You focus on orgasm, you prioritize orgasms, you make orgasms important to you, you get more orgasms, end of subject.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Ok well we’re going to take a quick break and then we are going to find out all kinds of great things that we can do to become more expert at giving and receiving them.  So do stay with us. I am here with Barbara Carrellas and we will be right back.  And Barbara, give us your website, please.

Barbara Carrellas: Sure its barbaracarrellas.com or urbantantra.org, as in orgasms.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Yes, Ok. So. be sure to visit Barbara at her website.  She’s the author of the book, Urban Tantra. Which is a great book full of wonderful pictures and good information.  And it is a bestseller.

Barbara Carrellas: Thank you!

Dr. Patti Taylor: It’s actually selling…

Barbara Carrellas: It is!

Dr. Patti Taylor: It is. It is flying off the shelves.  It’s amazingly successful. So we’ll talk more about that, so please stay with us.

[commercial break]

[music]

Dr. Patti Taylor: Ok. We are back.  I am Dr. Patti Taylor and we are talking about erotic awakening massages for women.  What a great topic!

Barbara Carrellas: I know. It is, isn’t it?

Dr. Patti Taylor: It is a great topic we could talk all day on this.

Barbara Carrellas: We could.
Dr. Patti Taylor: Let’s keep going.  What do we do to start giving a woman the details on how to give these and receive these?

Barbara Carrellas: Well, the first thing we do is, obviously establish breath. We’ve talked about that. Then we start with a sensual message.

Now remember a sensual massage is… let’s take into account what the person, the receiver, likes. Some women like, my favorite, which is to be massaged with corn starch which feels like powdered silk. I’ve recommended that many times. Some women liked to be stroked with an ostrich feather. Some women would like to be gently flogged with a leather switch. And of course there’s your hands or a combination of all the things I’ve just mentioned.

The point is to invite the woman into her body. To connect breath with sensation.  Often we are so in our minds, we leave our bodies.  We dissociate. And the sensual massage is an invitation back in.

We move from the sensual message into specific genital strokes. And the genital strokes for the women’s massage look a little different from the men’s. They proceed a little differently than the men’s. In the men’s we mix up strokes that are energizing with strokes that are relaxing.  And we do this so that…to keep the energy building but avoid ejaculation.

In the women’s message we proceed in more of a…we start with less intense strokes and we build up to more intense strokes including a vibrator. It’s sort of like climbing a mountain in the women’s massage, energetically speaking.  Because that’s the way women’s orgasms tend to build.

And it’s also OK if women orgasm during the massage. The female orgasm for most women does not result in the same sort of energy drain that ejaculation does. Because orgasm and ejaculation, remember, are different responses.

Dr. Patti Taylor: You mean for the men.

Barbara Carrellas: In the men. Thank you.  Because women can also ejaculate all they want and they won’t effect this message either as energetically it progresses. 

It’s sort of a funny thing. There’s one caveat I would give to that. Some women get so hypersensitive after they orgasm that they really don’t want their genitals touched again. Most women, if you just wait a little bit and go back to other parts of the body, it will keep going. There is a rare, small section that don’t.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t keep the erotic energy going.  Because erotic energy once it gets rolling has a lot more…has to do with the whole body and the whole energetic body.  It’s not just about what’s happening in the genitals.

All that being said.  I’ll give you an example of, shall I, of a few strokes that seem to be the most popular, from my experience?

Dr. Patti Taylor: Absolutely.

Barbara Carrellas: Well, first of all: the heart/pussy palm rest.  Placing one hand on the heart and one resting over the genitals and you just breathe.

Often women have been touched by people who were unconscious at points in their lives. And theres a lot of grabbing for genitals and grabbing for breasts, especially when you’re younger.  And to just be touched on the heart and the genitals without doing anything.  Just being completely still…

Dr. Patti Taylor: That is so nice. That’s one you start with, right?

Barbara Carrellas: That’s one you start with. It’s also one that you can go back to at any point that you need to just center yourself.

Dr. Patti Taylor: That is so nice.  I love that!

Barbara Carrellas: Don’t you find that people underestimate the value of stillness?

Dr. Patti Taylor: You know, I absolutely do. And I think that also for the giver…also can be very…sometimes a little nervous starting out.  And that will also center the giver for him or her to collect her or his senses starting out so that they both feel a little more grounded.  That’s a great one for starters so they both feel a little more collected to then proceed.

Barbara Carrellas: Right.

Dr. Patti Taylor: I love that one. I tell you…and also hand on abdomen and heart or abdomen and pussy.

Barbara Carrellas: Yes.  I call the abdomen one…first of all, hand on abdomen, I call the womb warmer. Or the heart /womb palm rest is the one that you just described.  That’s the heart/womb connection

And it doesn’t matter whether the woman on the table still has ovaries or uterus. It does matter, it’s an energy center as well.

Dr. Patti Taylor: But yes. I love that you brought that up. If our listeners will just take that one suggestion that you just made and bring that into their lovemaking, I think they will see a quantum leap in their whole lovemaking scenario for the rest of their lives. Actually I believe that.  But please continue.

Barbara Carrellas: I like that thought.  I hadn’t actually looked at it that way. I think you’re right!

Another one that I really like because, again, it’s another stroke that women generally don’t experience is the inner and outer labia massage.

Dr. Patti Taylor: I love that one too!

[laughing]

Dr. Patti Taylor: You and I ought to get together…

Barbara Carrellas: Yes, we ought to exchange this!

Hardly anyone who has not experienced this massage has ever had the delight of having one labia massaged at a time. It’s a completely unique experience. As we now know the anatomy of the clitoris is much bigger that just the little head that peeks out from under the hood.  In fact, it’s got legs that run down into the inner labia. So when your massaging in the inner labia you’re also giving clitoral tissue a nice massage. And it feels really yummy.

Dr. Patti Taylor: It does and I’m going to add to that, that you can give, usually, the labia way more pressure that you might suspect.

Barbara Carrellas: True

Dr. Patti Taylor: And I love that. We are really hitting some good ones today.

Barbara Carrellas: I’m hitting all her favorites, isn’t this great? 

Again, you’ve got to ask about pressure to stay at the resilient edge of resistance. You are not a mind reader. You’re not supposed to be a mind reader!

Dr. Patti Taylor: We talked about both of those. Seeing energy and resilient edge in show one. But please continue…and these are in your book, by the way.

Barbara Carrellas: They are.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Urban Tantra.

Barbara Carrellas: So another one - I’m just betting this is probably a favorite of yours too - is a sister version of a stroke that began for the men, which is: rock around the clit clock.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Oh, definitely!

Barbara Carrellas: This is probably the most …

Dr. Patti Taylor: I love that one!

Barbara Carrellas: And it is…Take your index finger and makes little circle around to the side of the clitoris At twelve, one, two

Dr. Patti Taylor: People are going I’m easy!

Barbara Carrellas: Is there any virtue in being hard, Patti?

Dr. Patti Taylor: It depends on how you define hard!

Barbara Carrellas: Difficult?  Difficult? Difficult? Is there any virtue in be difficult? But little circles around the clitoris at all the clock hours.

Again, the preference are going to vary from woman to woman. So some women will not want the clitoris touched directly and would prefer to have it through the hood or through the side. So ask, ask, ask, ask, ask. And sometimes a stroke that she liked performed one way early on in the massage, as she gets more excited she might want more pressure than she did when she started. But that’s just logical. You’ve noticed that in regular lovemaking, I’m sure.

Another sweet little stroke is breath of spring. You just gently part her labia and you blow on them.  If you get closer, it’s a little warm breeze and if you get far away, it’s a cool breeze. That can be a lovely resting stroke.  Again it’s a good time to just get a little calmer. And it usually produces a…[sigh]…kind of feeling. It’s not a high energy stroke. It’s not meant to get anywhere. It’s just a lovely feeling.

There are of course intravaginal strokes, too if the women you’re working with likes penetration. You can do…often on the G spot, people will tend to just sort of land on it. It can be a little sensitive or a little uncomfortable for some women. So starting gently with the G spot with little circles.

But also, I like the doorbell.  Its press, release with one finger or two fingers. Press, release. Press, release. That can feel really good and it’s a lovely little warm-up stroke for the G spot.  It’s both topical sensation and pressure and the G spot usually likes a little bit of both.

Dr. Patti Taylor: That does it. I’m calling you the next time I come to New York.

Barbara Carrellas: OK!

[laughing]

Dr. Patti Taylor: Anyway, we have to take a break. Please stay with us.  I know I’m staying for the final segment. This is Dr. Patti Taylor and I am here with Barbara Carrellas. And we will be right back.  You can learn more about barbaracarrellas.com.  And Barbara, want to tell us about your website?

Barbara Carrellas: The spelling on that is Barbaracarrellas.com

Dr. Patti Taylor: OK, thank you.

[commercial break]

[music]

Dr. Patti Taylor: We’re back.  This is Dr. Patti Taylor and we’re with Barbara Carrellas.

I just wanted to make one comment which is: A lot of what you’ve been talking about, these amazing strokes for the clit are so wonderful because they are getting the clit engorged.  You said you don’t want to be hard to find. Well, you do want to be hard in the sense that all these things are getting the clit engorged, or hard.

Barbara Carrellas: Yes you want to be hard, not difficult. That’s very true.

Dr. Patti Taylor: A hard woman is good to find, as they say.

Barbara Carrellas: That’s very true. Bad choice of words I had before.

Dr. Patti Taylor: If a woman is engorged, anything you do to her will be a success.

Barbara Carrellas: Yes.

Dr. Patti Taylor: These are phenomenal, brilliant things that any man can do to a woman so that anything he does - whether it’s oral sex or intercourse or love - whatever you do next will be hundred times magnified in pleasure. What more can I say in terms of the genius…and even the G spot will feel usually so much better having gotten her engorged. These are just…I can’t rave enough about the beauty of what you’re saying.

So going into our final segment, anymore strokes here that you would just love to share about.

Barbara Carrellas: Yes, one more. And I’m going to take just a brief moment and give credit where it’s due. As I mentioned that Joseph Cramer the primary developer of this kind of technique for the men’s strokes.  Annie Sprinkle was the same kind of seminal genius who helped develop this massage for women.  So I want to give my dear friend Annie Sprinkle a big shout out and a huge hug. Especially for being such an inspiration to me.

OK, another stroke. That would be the vibrator. Let’s get out the vibrator and let’s make an electric one.  Often people get a little - women  - get a little put off when I say electric vibrator because electric vibrators are bigger than the little battery ones.  But their vibration it is so much nicer. It’s not too strong. It’s just so much more even. It is stronger but in a really, subtler more sensual way.  Believe it or not.

There are many more creative ways to use a vibrator than to just kind of put it between the legs, push down on it really hard and wait until you come. Quite the opposite.  You could vibrate all the way up the body. All the energy centers, otherwise known as Chakras. You could vibrate the top of your head, the bottom of your feet, the palms of your hand. Wherever you put that vibrator, wherever you send those vibrations,  you’re calling energy into those body parts.

Now, on the genitals, again you can do - you know the doorbell that I just described for the G spot? The press, release. Press, release. Press, release. You can do the doorbell with the vibrator on the vulva and the clitoris. It’s actually a better energy building technique than to just put the vibrator on the genitals, on the vulva and then just push and leave it there and wait until something happens. It is actually more energizing when its: come here, go away, come here, go way…It’s really, really juicy.

We end the massage the same way we did for the men. Which is:  I invite her to take three deep breaths, hold the third deep breath and clench her whole body.  Tighten it all up. Scrunch up your face. Clench your abs, clench your butt. Clench everything. Push down into the massage table or floor. After about fifteen seconds I invite her to let go.

And then I just get out of the way. Now that doesn’t mean I leave the room. It doesn’t mean I go get a glass of wine. I stay right there and hold the energy and hold the space. Sounds very new age but it’s very true.

I stand there in silent support. I don’t touch her. I don’t fluff over her.  I don’t do energy work in her aura. I just hold the space.

And I talked about with the previous massage - with the men’s massage. Anything can happen. She could go flying deep into her most precious inner wisdom.  She could see visions. She could feel fairies around her.  She could giggle, she could cry. She could vibrate. She could go off into sort of little arch dancer positions. That’s one of my favorite things to.

All you do is stay there and make sure she’s safe. And if she needs you, she’ll tell you or reach out. But I think of this as inviting someone to go off on to a magic carpet ride and you know what? It’s their ride.  And if at some point…I mean I get to go on the ride as the giver just by virtue of standing by. I get to go on the ride too.  If they want me any more closely involved on the ride, they will let me know.

There is such a tendency for women to want to take care of the people of who have given to them. So they’ll be like “Oh, come over here…” and people cut off their experience before it’s over because they start trying to take care of the giver.

“I’ve received enough. I’ve received enough. Now it’s time for me to nourish you…”

Don’t let them do it.

[laughs]

Let them enjoy the magic carpet ride

Dr. Patti Taylor: It’s an amazing experience.  I think one of the hardest things is just holding your breath for like three minutes.

Barbara Carrellas: Well, you don’t have to hold your breath for three minutes.  In fact I’ve discovered, interestingly enough Patti, that holding your breath for longer than about the fifteen seconds, it sort of produces - for me - a law of diminishing returns. The experience doesn’t get any juicer the longer I hold my breath.  Actually, if I hold it to long I can sort of squish the experience. That may not be true for everyone, though.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Right. So you have to kind of learn to not be too greedy and after the fifteen seconds…

Barbara Carrellas:  Fifteen, twenty, Yes, it’s like you’ve done it. You’re there.

Dr. Patti Taylor: There’s actually an afterglow, isn’t there?

Barbara Carrellas: The afterglow is the part we’ve just been talking about. The hardest part of the erotic awakening massage for the person receiving is to not have expectations.  It’s so hard not to go either, “Oh, I never feel anything in things like this.  Other people will feel them but I won’t.” That’s negative expectation, number one.

And then there is over-expectation: “I know that this is my one chance to meet the goddess. And if I fail, it will never happen again.”

It just is what it is.  And when we don’t try to make it something. When we approach it without goals. That’s when we find whatever the magic is for us to find that day.

Dr. Patti Taylor: And usually if you do it enough you just know that it’s like flowers in the garden.  Every one is different.

Barbara Carrellas: Well said.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Well we are coming to the end of our show. So again, I’d love to know if there’s a juicy thought that you would love to leave our listeners with.

Barbara Carrellas: What comes to mind is that I want to support and encourage every woman who’s ever dreamed about or wondered about what a great vibrator would feel like to go out and buy one.

That’s the juicy tip for the day.  Go do it. Stop wondering. They are not that expensive and they will change your life. I know it doesn’t sound like a very spiritual tip, but it is!

Dr. Patti Taylor: OK, on that spiritual note we are going to close the show. Thank you so much, Barbara Carrellas.

Barbara Carrellas: Thank you so much!

Dr. Patti Taylor: Barbara‘s the author of Urban Tantra and you can learn more about her at her website barbaracarrellas.com, and also urbantantra.org.

So you can learn more about her at our website, personallifemedia.com where we have transcripts of the show. So for transcripts of this and other shows, do visit our website.

Also, please visit me, Dr. Patti Taylor, at www.expandedlovemaking.com, where you can join my mailing list and find out more about  products, services and events.  This is Dr. Patti Taylor and that’s all for now.

I remain yours in ever expanding lovemaking and I’ll see you next week.

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