Episode 57: Orgasmic Urban Tantra for Men (Part One) with Barbara Carrellas

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Hear Dr. Patti chat with Barbara Carrellas, author of the bestselling book, Urban Tantra, Sacred Sex for the Twenty First Century. Find out how Barbara defines Urban Tantra, and neo-Tantra. Learn about the all-important “resilient edge”, and how you can tell if you’re doing it right, at cocktail parties, and, on cats! Discover the art of “seeing energy”. Then, learn how to give and receive the male erotic awakening massage. Find out why breath is the most important element of all. Is orgasm important? Find out just why it is, and isn’t. What are the goals of this type of pleasure? Learn this, and so much more, as Barbara thrills, enchants, and educates with charm, knowledge, and turn-on. What types of strokes do you give a man’s cock, and body? How do you spread the energy to prevent ejaculation? What do you do with the breath to send yourself into an amazing mind-blowing experience? Your fellow will be so happy you listened to this show!

Transcript

Dr. Patti Taylor: Welcome to the Expanded Lovemaking show. I’m your host, Dr. Patti Taylor of expandedlovemaking.com, and I teach you how to make exquisite love. This is part one of a two part series. How would you like to practice orgasmic urban tantra? You would then be able to give exquisite erotic awakening massages. Are you onboard? Here to tell us how to give and receive such precious gifts, a loving presence, an incredible feeling, is our guest today, Barbara Carrellas.

Barbara Carrellas: Most of us who talk about tantra and practice tantra are not practicing anything exactly that was done many centuries ago in India and Tibet and China, among other places. It is a very different art because we’re in a very different time.

Barbara Carrellas: A perfect way to practice resilient edge of resistance is on a cat. If they stick around you’ve got it. If they leave you missed it, and they’re real good critics of this.

Barbara Carrellas: People who are into SM are used to communicating, ‘cause they’re doing things where it could be dangerous obviously, and even in a situation like that people will stop and say, “You know what, this isn’t working for me. This is too hard. This is too soft. I’ve lost it.” They’re really good about just saying, “Hey, lets just readjust everything.”

Barbara Carrellas: In erotic awakening massage for me we try, we make every effort to avoid ejaculation. I didn’t say orgasm, I said ejaculation, the two are separate. And the erotic awakening massage is a really good way of learning to separate orgasm from ejaculation.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Hi Barbara.

Barbara Carrellas: Hi Patti.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Welcome to the show.

Barbara Carrellas: Thank you. Pleasure to be here.

Dr. Patti Taylor: So let me tell you a little bit about Barbara. Barbara Carrellas is among other things an author, a university lecturer, a motivational speaker and a theatre artist. Her most recent book is the bestseller Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex For the 21st Century. I think our listeners will love meeting Barbara and discovering her lively energy, as well as her approach to juicy lovemaking techniques and attitude. So, today on the show we’ll find out more about urban tantra and move on to learning about how to give men erotic awakening massages. So why don’t we find out about, your definition, lets just start out with urban tantra.

Barbara Carrellas: Oh yes. Urban tantra is my personal foreign intake on the ancient art of tantra. I don’t believe that any of us who practice tantra in the 21st century, well perhaps some of us, perhaps a small percentage, but most of us who talk about tantra and practice tantra are not practicing anything exactly that was done many centuries ago in India and Tibet and China, among other places. It is a very different art because we’re in a very different time, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I prefer though to own the fact that I’m doing neo-tantra, and I make, of course I’ve certainly studied tantra with some people who are also practicing neo-tantra, some who are more traditionally trained. But I wanted to make it clear that my form of conscious sacred sexuality is a reworking for modern time, and as such is accessible to absolutely everybody, no matter what they’re personal taste is. Tantra was, sort of developed kind of a bad rap in the, as it progressed through the 80’s and 90’s, and there were a lot of really cool, differently gendered, people with various different sexual preferences who felt excluded from what they perceived to be white heterosexual tantra, and so I also wanted to make a practice, develop a practice for them so that they would feel included, people of all ages, races, genders and sexual preferences. So that’s urban tantra.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Wow. Well, lets just look at some of your definitions of things that would be tantric, that I love that you talk about in the book. One of them that I absolutely love that you define is the concept of the resilient edge.

Barbara Carrellas: Yes, the resilient edge of resistance. That phrase, that exquisite phrase was coined by my late teaching partner Chester Maynard, and it describes that perfect place, and it can be a physical place, an emotional place. It’s that place where there’s just the perfect combination of support and risk or, that would be more emotional. Or physically, just enough pressure, not too much pressure. We all know the experience of being touched, or touching, someone tentatively. You know, people who are afraid to touch, or maybe you’ve been afraid to touch, not you personally Patti, but listeners. And that touch comes out sort of tentative and it almost, it feels kind of creepy because it’s neither here nor there. On the other end of the spectrum is that kind of touch where it feels like someone is like pushing, trying to push their hands through your body and it’s incredibly painful. And neither of those two touches is particularly pleasant or erotic, and certainly not at the resilient edge of resistance. The resilient edge of resistance is that place that, where the amount of pressure is just right. The body’s pushing back just a little. It’s just yummy. And that’s the place where I think all the magic happens, is at the resilient edge of resistance. And that’s an ever-changing place, both emotionally and physically. To keep the erotic spark and the yumminess going is to consistently be able to meet the resilient edge of resistance which changes in every moment, like it’s in Yoga. If you’re doing a Yoga pose and you bend over and you can’t bend very far, but later in the class suddenly, you know, it seems, not suddenly but over the course of the class your head can suddenly touch the floor. That’s a changing place of resilient edge of resistance, for example.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, so lets just say I go up to someone at a cocktail party and I shake hands with them, could I find their resilient edge?

Barbara Carrellas: Oh, absolutely, absolutely. On a, obviously, if you shake your hand way too hard you’re going to like feel the, like kind of grimace or maybe pull back or, you know, try to withdraw, and if you’re too light, it’s that wimpiness and they may, if their pressures harder they may sort of wind up shaking your hand up and down way high. A perfect way to practice resilient edge of resistance is on a cat. If they stick around you’ve got it. If they leave you missed it, and they’re real good critics of this, so…Resilient edge of resistance, find your nearest cat.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Alright. So we’re going to probably come back to this when we talk about men and stroking.

Barbara Carrellas: And massage, right.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Yes. So, the other thing that I love that you talk about is seeing energy when you’re giving pleasure. Could you comment on that?

Barbara Carrellas: Yeah. Some people, when I talk about just go, “Oh, other people can do that, but I can’t. I can’t see energy. I don’t see that kind of stuff.” But it’s really, really, really very simple. You can notice, for example, if you’re giving exquisite oral sex to someone. You can, you can notice whether or not it seems at all the response is located right in the pelvic area. Or you can notice if its moved up into the chest, you’ll see the back arch. Or maybe the person receiving will start making noises, which means its moved up to the throat shockra, shockra just being energy centers, so don’t worry about shockras if you don’t know shockras, lets just call them energy centers. And if the sounds are really high pitched the energy has reached all the way to the top of the head. There’s numerous ways you can learn to read energy just by some really simple ways of learning to read the physical body. I’ve got a whole chapter on that in my, in Urban Tantra.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, so is there something that someone can learn just by opening and surrendering to their intuition? Can you do this wrong?

Barbara Carrellas: That’s a great question. That is such a good question because I think that’s everybody’s question. I think, I don’t think there’s a single one of us who hasn’t felt less than, or in a sexual situation at one point or felt that we were doing something wrong. You can’t do anything wrong. Even in teams, ‘cause I also tantra and do tantra with people who are also into S&M, SM, Sadomachoism and related art, and even there the notion of, the people who are into SM are used to communicating ‘cause they’re doing things that could be dangerous obviously, and even in a situation like that, people will stop and say, “You know what, this isn’t working for me. This is too hard. This is too soft. I’ve lost it.” They’re really good about just saying, “Hey, lets just readjust everything. This is what’s working for me. This was what isn’t. This is what I need to have changed in order to keep going, and I can keep going. I just need this little thing to change.” And I learned from these people who practice CDSM, to just do that. Lets just communicate. Lets just stop. Lets not sit and endure what’s not working and hope that our partner will read our mind. So the erotic awakening massage that I developed with Chester and some other people is, one of the big tenets of the erotic awakening massage is feedback, is for nobody to be doing anything that isn’t yummy. If the receiver doesn’t like something they tell the giver. If the giver is uncomfortable they say to the receiver, “Excuse me, I need to change positions.” That way everybody gets their needs met.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, well I’m going to eagerly find out more about this. We’re going to take a break to find out a little more from our sponsors, and we will be right back. So we are talking about urban tantra with our guest Barbara Carrellas. Her book is Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex For the 21st Century. So please stay with us.

Dr. Patti Taylor: We’re back, and I’m Dr. Patti Taylor, and we’re talking about orgasmic urban tantra. By the way, I meant to tell you, you can find our more about Barbara at www.barbaracarrellas.com, so do check out her website. And anyway, we were talking about the erotic awakening massage and we were just getting into it. You were saying it’s really focused on feedback.

Barbara Carrellas: It is. It’s all, the premise of all of my work is staying conscious. Staying conscious just means using your breath and your mind to gently stay in the present moment. It’s really, really hard to stay in the present moment. Our minds are always leaping forward or leaping backward, and it’ s making it very difficult to be here now, but our breath can help. So the first thing we do in the erotic awakening massage is commit to breathing consciously, which means we keep our attention on our breath. In fact, the whole erotic awakening massage to me is a breath process with touch, particularly erotic touch, attached. It’s not a massage where you breathe. The breath is the critical part of it. All the strokes are secondary to the fact that both giver and receiver are breathing. And by breathing I just mean a easy relaxed breath…(breathing), through the mouth. The mouth does, breathing through the mouth does, is an energy building way to breathe as opposed to through the nose, which is more relaxing. So people can choose which one they want, but most people would prefer to breathe through the mouth, and it’s an erotic massage with breath, a sensual massage followed by erotic strokes, strokes in this case ‘cause we’re talking about people with penises, strokes on the penis.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Now is there, could you just before we go into how to do it, you defined it as a, primarily a massage which the goal is to stay conscious. But just maybe what is an erotic awakening massage? I mean, is there a goal? Is the goal to have an orgasm? Is the goal pleasure? Just give us an overview of what it is and then we’ll just talk about how to do it.

Barbara Carrellas: Sure. The goal…

Dr. Patti Taylor: Or there is no goal, I don’t know.

Barbara Carrellas: That’s it. There is no goal…

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay.

Barbara Carrellas: It can go anywhere or look like anything, but I will discuss orgasm. In the erotic awakening massage for men we try, we make every effort to avoid ejaculation. I didn’t say orgasm, I said ejaculation, the two are separate. And the erotic awakening massage is a really good way of learning to separate orgasm from ejaculation and start to learn how to become multiply orgasmic, which I know a lot of men want to learn.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, so lets move on then. What might one do? Alright, you said we want to stay conscious, and I think that’s where the tantra comes in, because that’s all about being conscious, and we have this nice easy breath going. Now what might we do as the giver lets say?

Barbara Carrellas: The first thing I would probably do, the first thing I would almost certainly do is start with a nice sensual massage with the receiver lying on his tummy. Just, now this isn’t a massage to reset anyone’s shoulder or, you know, give them a chiropractic adjustment. I’m not trying to fix anything or heal anything. It’s just sensual. I might start with feathers. I might throw in other little sensual delights, bits of leather or stroking. I might use massage oil, or my favorite is corn starch. Corn flower in Leonard, Australia, corn starch in America. Corn starch feels like, getting massaged with corn starch feels like getting a massage with powdered silk…

Dr. Patti Taylor: Ooh.

Barbara Carrellas: It feels absolutely amazing. And I would do that back and then front and then we’re all, but we’re still breathing remember. Big breathing. And then I would start a series of cock strokes designed not to give the energy in and around the area of the cock, but rather energy that is built up in the cock gets spread  out with the giver, by hand with the givers hand to the extremity. The point here, we are trying to charge his entire body. The cock strokes are several and varied. The original cock strokes were developed by Joseph Kramer, who was, 20 something years ago, who was looking for a way to help gay men have wildly ecstatic spiritually satisfying safe sex in the middle of the AIDS crisis. The spiritual element is I think the most amazing part of the erotic awakening massage. Yes, the genital strokes are yummy. They are all designed by the way to avoid ejaculation because they’re a mixture of calming down and energizing strokes. Energize/calm, energize/calm, energize/calm, so there’s always this dance of energy so that you can stay riding the waves. And the spiritual part of the erotic awakening massage happens when? At the end. There is a technique that I call the clench and hold, its going under numerous names throughout history, but it’s very, very simple. The clench and hold is simply that after energy has been built up throughout the body, we’ve done all these amazing juicy sexy cock strokes, we spread the energy to the limbs, to the chest, to the belly, to the heart in particular, when the energy is running like wild and the breathing’s going great, I invite the man on the massage table to take a couple of, three, usually three deep breaths and then hold that third breath, and while they’re holding their breath tense everything. Push, all you have to do to tense everything is push down onto the massage table. Tense, tense, tense, tense, tense, thereby temporarily, for about fifteen seconds shutting down all that energy that was in such ecstatic motion. When they let go of holding their breath and of clenching they just lye there. That’s when the spiritual journeys happen. After raising all that energy and avoiding ejaculation, because ejaculation will end his magic carpet ride, anything can happen. You might experience a deep sense of inner calm and peace like you’re in the most peaceful place anywhere in the universe. You might feel like you’ve left your body all together and are dancing out in the stars. You might feel waves of emotion come up, whether or not they have storylines to them. They could be tears, could be giggles. Some people describe it as having a private meeting with the goddess. And again, some people just go into this place of incredible silence and peace, which in the world we live in might be the nicest gift of all. That’s the spiritual component and frankly it’s why I do it.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Yes, I’ve seen it done, and I want to add that when the person who’s giving it gives it, they also experience it, so it’s…

Barbara Carrellas: Oh, totally.

Dr. Patti Taylor: quite a wonderful experience for both people, and… Anyway, we’re going to take a short break, and when we come back I want to just drill deeper, or lets say stroke deeper into maybe some of the strokes that we might use to get to that place. So, we are going to take a short break. This is Dr. Patti Taylor and I’m here with Dr. Carrellas, and we will be right back. You can learn more about Barbara at www.barbaracarrellas.com, and I’m going to spell that: b-a-r-b-a-r-a-b, how do you spell it, Barbara Carrellas, c-a-r-r-e…

Barbara Carrellas: l-l-a-s.

Dr. Patti Taylor: dot com.

Dr. Patti Taylor: We’re back and I’m Dr. Patti Taylor, and we’re talking about orgasmic urban tantra with our guest Barbara Carellas. So I’d like to just share with our listeners some of the amazing strokes that we were talking about. I want to say that they are, you do talk about them and illustrate them in your book Urban Tantra which is quite amazing, so if anyone’s gotten inspired by the amazing description that you just gave, the good news is you can read about them and practice them, but for people that are, just can’t wait to go out and get the book, could you tell us about some of the strokes. I mean, there’s rock around the clock, there’s…

Barbara Carrellas: That’s, rock around the cock clock is definite, and that is Joe Kramer’s name for it, I didn’t invent that name. All the strokes have easy little funny names so that when the receiver is like barely able to form words they can ask for what they want easily because they remember these key funny names. Anyway, rock around the cock clock, you lay the penis on, okay, the person is lying on the table on their back, lets start there. You lay the penis on the belly and with both hands you stroke it from the base to the tip in a continuous motion, and you move the cock as you’re stroking from 12 o’clock to one, to two, to three, there it would be pointing off to the side. You get it, this is pretty basic. And as it comes around, in other words, as it would be pointing toward his feet, if the cock is hard it’ll obviously be pointing straight up or at six o’clock. That’s find, don’t push it down, and eventually it will slide off to the side and go back around. If the cock is softer you can actually push it into his thigh, which feels really good as it goes around toward about 4 or 5 o’clock. And you come back around, you hit 12 again. And you can do this either by wrapping your hands around the clock or with sort of a flat palm pushing your hand into, onto the penis and into the belly. A good time to remember the resilient edge of resistance. Ask for feedback. Often times men will, especially if women are giving to men, often times women are a little tentative and do not actually do something as deep or as, yeah, as deep as men actually like it. As my dear Chester used to say, penises are not that fragile, they do not break off. By the same token, you want to be, you know, you want to start slowly and ask for feedback to find out where that resilient edge of resistance is. Another popular stroke is, that’s easy to describe is fire. This is a really high energy stroke, so you have to use it sparingly ‘cause again we’re trying, we’re trying to avoid ejaculation. The penis goes right between the palms of both of your hands and you, we’re using lots of lube or massage oil, you move your hands in opposite directions with deep friction, sort of like the way people start fires with a stick on top of other sticks. They hold a stick in their hand and run their hands, you know, back and forth, and so you’re really just rubbing the penis in between your hands, which are sliding back and forth. Fire’s a very, as I said, high energy stroke, so you want to use it sparingly. A calm down stroke might be keeling. You lay the cock on his belly again so it’s pointing up toward his head, and you place your hand flat on the… English Barbara. You place your hand flat on the penis and let your palm move down the penis just really slowly and gently pushing it into his belly. That combination of the touch on the underside of the penis and the feeling of it pressing into the belly is a really, really good one, and again, it is, it’s a bit more calming. So are vibrations, what I call cock root vibrations. If you lift the scrotum and the penis out of the way and you’re at the perineum, you can with your hand or with a fist actually, there you can vibrate, and when those vibrations travel all the way up the cock and all the way up the body, because of course the perineum is really that incredibly root shockra base point on the body.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Oh, men love that.

Barbara Carrellas: Yeah, that’s a really good one, really good one.

Dr. Patti Taylor: You know, one thing I love about what you’re saying too is not just to think about the cock as the entire playground on…

Barbara Carrellas: Right.

Dr. Patti Taylor: It’s so important to view the whole man’s body, particularly to spread the sensation, and you do talk about spreading the energy as a very important part of urban tantra.

Barbara Carrellas: Circles and U’s. You can do circles to spread energy around or to increase energy on belly, on heart, and the U’s would be like if you start at one toe, you come back around to the cock, do something juicy there, and then go massage down to the other toe on the other leg. That would be a U. So would cock to arm. And most importantly, I work on connecting genitals and heart, and I do that no matter what the gender of the person I’m massaging is. In our society there has been such a disconnect between our genitals and sexual activity and our hearts, that, I think that’s the most important reconnection we can, we can work on.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Yeah. Well, you have such amazing material on here, in here and I really love it. And I think another thing I really like, there’s a lot of variety in here, and if a man is going for that spiritual experience then the variety is really going to help go, delay the ejaculation and go for that ability to have that spiritual experience so he can pull up the energy and go for that breath orgasm as you say.

Barbara Carrellas: And even if you’re less spiritually inclined, it will produce an expanded ecstatic experience. You, spiritual is of course a very personal experience and personally defined experience. I use it to describe I suppose a lot of ecstatic experience that takes us out of our, that puts us into a state of altered consciousness.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Yeah, I guess anything that just brings you energy is really the main point.

Barbara Carrellas: Yeah. Exactly.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Right. Well, we’re going to bring our show to a close. Fortunately we have a part two, so we get to talk more and we get to talk about the women, so I’m so excited. But I’d just like to ask if you’d like to leave our listeners with a final parting thought that might inspire them and leave them just thinking about something really yummy as they go on their day.

Barbara Carrellas: Oh, okay. I invite you to step out into the world with three great big breaths that start in your genitals and come all the way out of, up through your heart, send some energy out to your day so that it can come back to you in the form of erotic juicy love.

Dr. Patti Taylor: And we can keep doing that all day if we want?

Barbara Carrellas: All day.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay.

Barbara Carrellas: Add a kegel. You know, make it good sex with your environment.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Oh, I like that. Well thank you so much. We’ve been talking with Barbara Carrellas, and you can learn more about Barbara at her website, barbaracarrellas.com.

Barbara Carrellas: b-a-r-b-a-r-a-c-a-r-r-e-l-l-a-s. Or urbantantra.org, as in orgasm.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Okay, thank you for that. And also, you can also check out our transcript at personallifemedia.com, for this and other great shows on our network. Also please visit me, Dr. Patti Taylor, at expandedlovemaking.com where you can join my mailing list and find out more about my products, services and events. This is Dr. Patti Taylor and that’s all for now. I remain yours in ever expanding lovemaking, and I’ll see you next week.