Episode 80: Maryanne Comaroto, Relationship Expert: On Cheating, Sexuality and Self Love

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PART TWO OF A TWO PART SERIES

Author and Relationship Expert Maryanne Comaroto is back to delve a little deeper into what we MUST ask men BEFORE we jump into the sack with them! She says, "We just don't want to know; we would rather live in a fantasy and be lead on than deal with what is actually going on right in front of our eyes" - touche!

Maryanne details for us highly useful tools and information from her new book HINDSIGHT: What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers, such as the SHOMI method of taking a few quiet minutes everyday to really tap into what our bodies and spirits are trying to tell us.

Don't miss this lively and all important interview with America's Leading Relationship Expert who is willing to call BS on many of the unconscious and dysfunctional patterns that exist today in the modern world of dating, relationships and sex!

Transcript

Alissa Kriteman: Welcome to Just For Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex. This week I’m so glad to have back on the show Maryanne Comaroto. She gave us so many insightful tools last time that I wanted to have her back to go a little bit deeper around sex, sexuality, what women do to really disempower themselves with men and their sexuality. So Maryanne, welcome back to Just For Women.

Maryanne Comaroto: Oh thanks Alissa for having me back. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Alissa Kriteman: You are so much fun. I feel like we have this, you know, kindred spirit with our Italian, you from the East Coast?

Maryanne Comaroto: Everybody says that about me…

Alissa Kriteman: I know, see you’re one of the Californians…

Maryanne Comaroto: It’s true, it is.

Alissa Kriteman: that acts like an East Coaster.

Maryanne Comaroto: But I was born in San Francisco, so I’m a native Californian, so you get a lot of San Francisco pizzone going, you know, and that’s what happens. But I am, I’m half Italian, half Irish, which, you know, that’s very common, the Catholics like to link up.

Alissa Kriteman: I got to make a word. I have to, you’re like a, you’re like a coaster…

Maryanne Comaroto: Yeah.

Alissa Kriteman: You know, you’re like from the East Coast but you’re a ‘woaster’…

Maryanne Comaroto: Yes, I’m a…

Alissa Kriteman: You’re an East Coaster from the West.

Maryanne Comaroto: A woaster, oh yeah. But people often do say that to me as a matter of fact. That was grammatically incorrect, and that’s okay.

Alissa Kriteman: That’s alright.

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s alright.

Alissa Kriteman: We’re going to talk about sex.

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right.

Alissa Kriteman: Everything goes a little out the window when we start talking about sex…

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right.

Alissa Kriteman: the chemicals start going. But really what I want to talk to you about is how women just wreck it sexually. You know, I know you write about this in your books. Maryanne has written two books. Her first book, Skinny, Tan and Rich, was all about fill in the blank, hey, totally being externally referenced, always looking outside of herself for what was going to make her have a relationship that worked, and finally you realized, you know what, that’s not the key….

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right.

Alissa Kriteman: The key is going inside.

Maryanne Comaroto: It was the obsession with finding the happily ever after planet that never existed, you know, easily…

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, and doesn’t.

Maryanne Comaroto: Yeah, doesn’t.

Alissa Kriteman: And so, now your second book, Hindsight: What You Need To Know Before You Drop Your Drawers, tools, techniques…

Maryanne Comaroto: Right.

Alissa Kriteman: quizzes, you know, kind of like the roadmap. So…

Maryanne Comaroto: Right.

Alissa Kriteman: I really appreciated what we talked about last time, which was, you know, have a contract, be able to talk about non-negotiables, know who you are on the inside, and I think the biggest thing we talked about was you’re going to have to do the work. If…

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right.

Alissa Kriteman: If you’re coming to the same hole and you keep falling in it, it’s time to do the work.

Maryanne Comaroto: Well, here’s another possibility; you don’t have to do anything, but you’re going to get more of what you got…

Alissa Kriteman: Right.

Maryanne Comaroto: That is the absolute truth of the matter. I’ve seen women go through their entire life all the way into their 70’s and 80’s, spinning the same story, the same victim story, “He did it to me. This guy did that”, and they really believe it, and you spend the rest of your life getting more sour and closed and bitter and who knows what. So that is a way to go, and guess what, the universe doesn’t care…

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah.

Maryanne Comaroto: You have freewill. So I recommend, at least for me, that you actually use that. I chose to use it. So the alternative is…

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah.

Maryanne Comaroto: to do what you said, which is what I call a ‘self care practice’, which is a new concept for a lot of us here in the western world, self… It is, it really is, having a practice because we all want fast food, we all want it right now, and “I don’t want to practice anything. I want to get it in seven sessions, I want to pay $49.99 for it and I want to throw out the wrapper like a cheeseburger and I am enlightened and here we go.” Yeah, how’s that working for you out there everybody?

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah. No, you know, I agree because also it feeds into that mindset that we talked about on the last show where it’s somehow noble to be this stressed out, trying to handle it all, thinking that that’s noble. That’s what I learned from my mother, and I watched her flip out here, there and everywhere on us, and I’m thinking to myself, the communication with my dad is terrible, she’s always stressed out and then I noticed it in my life and it’s like…

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right.

Alissa Kriteman: this is a learned behavior and I’ve got to unlearn this.

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right. And as a matter of fact we can do a whole program on that one neural loop as we talked about in the last show, the self, you know, where you derive your identity from, which is for some of us women, some people take the damsel in distress, some people take the overly responsible. I’ve done a little bit of both myself. Having said that, however you be in relationship with yourself is an ongoing process…

Alissa Kriteman: Mm hmm.

Maryanne Comaroto: a self-care practice. But here is the thing that keeps happening; men keep coming and orbiting into your life, so the other thing I recommend and what this part of the program I think we’re going to talk a little bit more about is here I am going along with my little self-care practice, feeling good about myself, taking myself for walks, bubble baths, sending myself flowers, and all of a sudden I go out and there he is and that goes out the window and next thing I know my underwear are around my ankles, I’m doing, you know, the rumpy pumpy with some guy I just met because I’m sure he’s the one. Now this is not an unusual story. Why does that happen and why is that so dangerous? Well, you know, Alissa we could look at some of the statistics out there. Lets start in college. Date rape is on the rise. Being a single mother is on the rise. The divorce rate, lets keep moving along, is on the rise.

Alissa Kriteman: Not to mention domestic violence and all kinds of…

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right. On the more dramatic end of the scale, death. Next year, 2009, between two and four thousand women are going to die as a result of domestic abuse, okay. These things are nothing for us to sneeze at. So on the very extreme left, lets call it, you need some skills and tools when you meet someone just for your very safety, okay. Chemistry is going to probably try to talk you into not using those tools and skills. You get close enough to somebody whose had some problems, gets an STD… I know gals who tell me all the time, “Oh my gosh, I have herpes. I can’t tell the guy.” Well how do you think you got it, you know?

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah.

Maryanne Comaroto: These are the kind of things…

Alissa Kriteman: Those cycles of…

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right.

Alissa Kriteman: not communicating…

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right. You go to sleep, you fall in love and you just need, as we talked about in the last show, we need to be loved so bad that we’re going to let those things go away. Actually they just go away, you don’t them go away, you go to sleep, is what I call it, and then the deficit of low self-esteem starts to rear its ugly head and you’ll do anything to get love. So this is the conversation that we were talking about…

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah.

Maryanne Comaroto: at the beginning of this program we wanted to have…

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah.

Maryanne Comaroto: The extreme of which, the extreme behavior that we engage in as women, and this is not by the way just for twenty something’s or teenagers, women all the way up through do things that are so shame based ultimately, it’s so far away from their sacred relationship with their bodies for a reason, that’s what we want to talk about.

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah. And we don’t even know that it’s shamed based, and this is what I want to talk, like why don’t we know that what we’re, or do we know that it’s shamed based and we’re doing it anyway because that’s what we were taught, that’s what we think, we’re that desperate to get the guy that we’re willing to not be connected to what is really honoring of ourselves and our bodies and our nature?

Maryanne Comaroto: Well here’s the quickest way to find out what’s true for you, I notice… I like these little litmus tests that I do. What would you tell your daughter? And then notice how you feel about that. For example, lets say you meet a guy, for a, and you like him, and for a moment just pause…

Alissa Kriteman: Right.

Maryanne Comaroto: Just hit the pause button. What would you tell your 17 year old or 18 year old daughter to do, and do that. Now there’s a very small amount of women that would tell their daughter to wear a condom, you know, and slap them on the back and say, “Have a good time. See you in the morning”, you know. I don’t know these women, but I know they’re out there and they’re probably very damaged and wounded and have very low self-esteem. This is not funny and it does happen, but for the most part this is not the scenario. So this is how we know what’s real or not. Just step outside yourself for a moment… I feel like I’m screaming in your face…

Alissa Kriteman: I’m like, “I hope it’s catching.”

Maryanne Comaroto: Yes, I’m so loud. I’m sure they can hear me in Tibet, okay.

Alissa Kriteman: I like it though. We need this for my show.

Maryanne Comaroto: Okay, so right. So ask yourself, “What would I do or what would I tell my daughter, my niece, my girlfriends daughter, my unborn child, the baby that…” Oh by the way, I just got an email from somebody who was telling me that they belong to a community that really, really looked down on being pregnant and that this particular spiritual leader had the gals all get abortions. Do you know how much shame and grief these thousands and thousands of women had because they wanted to be loved and accepted, that having sex was okay, but to just have an abortion, I mean that’s a whole other conversation.

Alissa Kriteman: I can’t even imagine.

Maryanne Comaroto: Right, but this is how far out of balance we are.

Alissa Kriteman: Right, with ourselves.

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right, with ourselves.

Alissa Kriteman: We’re so out of balance with ourselves that we’re willing to let whatever, you know, hot new thing or thing that we think is going to solve something inside of us….

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right.

Alissa Kriteman: It’s very dangerous. It’s almost like I can see where people get into cults and things of that nature…

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right.

Alissa Kriteman: It’s like a massive disconnection. But I really want to focus on sex with you…

Maryanne Comaroto: Yeah, do it.

Alissa Kriteman: I feel like we could talk about so many different things, but what are women doing, what are these unconscious disparaging things that we do? Because, you know, we talked before about boundaries and the inability to say no…

Maryanne Comaroto: Mm hmm, mm hmm.

Alissa Kriteman: when we really mean no.

Maryanne Comaroto: Okay, so here’s one of the most common things that I see when I had my therapy practice, my office filled up with women who did the following pretty consistently; the self-esteem is pretty low, the litmus test for that is look outside yourself in your life and see, get a range of how people treat you on a scale of one to ten. Do they treat you like you’re the Queen of England or with great respect on a ten? Or a one, you know, not so much. That way you’ll get a sense, ‘cause it’s easier sometimes for us to look outside of ourselves to see how we treat ourselves until we understand what being internally referenced is, so those of you listening, just take a peek at your life. How are, how do I show up for people? How do people treat me in general? So probably pretty typically not so great, especially when it comes to guys. So if that’s the case, what do guys want the most? This is the million dollar question. Anybody? Anyone? Anyone? Okay, this is not Ferris Beuler, but guys, they say want…

Alissa Kriteman: Chocolate.

Maryanne Comaroto: Chocolate, bzzz, ahh, wrong. They want the…

Alissa Kriteman: Skank.

Maryanne Comaroto: Right, they want the vag, you know. They want the big mother, they want to go in deep and they want to connect sexually. The woman tells herself, society tells her, all the magazines tell her and TV tells her, everybody tells her, and so, gee do you think she’s going to believe that at some point? Sure, her father probably told her that’s true. So she has it wired that this is what people want and then they’ll love me, which by the way is a survival loop that we learn as young women. We get validated for making people happy, which translates to our sexuality, not necessarily sex yet, but sexuality and sex is so intrinsically linked, and for some people it’s impossible for them to make the decision at some point, especially when you go out in the culture and the big machine is spinning that story, which is associated with low self-esteem. So there you are, locked and loaded, you’re a pleasing machine, you have low self-esteem just by virtue of being born at this time in this culture with most of our parents who are busy working towards the American dream, so, you know, you maybe aren’t getting all your needs met…

Alissa Kriteman: And not to mention the abuse, sexual, emotional, physical, whatever…

Maryanne Comaroto: Absolutely. Absolutely.

Alissa Kriteman: that completely leads to the low self-esteem.

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right. Well that too. I mean that hopefully, you know, those numbers are going to be dropping here in the next decade if we have anything to say about it…

Alissa Kriteman: That’s right.

Maryanne Comaroto: because the more awareness women have, the better they can take care of themselves and heal themselves, so, but to answer your question, so the woman goes out in the world and she’s going to do what I call ‘lead with her sexuality’, because that’s her greatest value, it’s the easiest thing to do. Push up bra, the Wonder Bra was like, you know, it was, the eight wonder of the world was the push up bra as far as I’m concerned. You know, I have a great joke; I remember when I had a push up bra on once and I was with my boyfriend. The first time we were together I took it off, and I said, he goes, “Wow, what kind of bra is that?” I go, “It’s a Wonder Bra”, and I took it off and I said, “Boy, I guess you wonder what happened to my cleavage.”

Alissa Kriteman: You’re pretty funny.

Maryanne Comaroto: That was funny, I thought it was funny. But, you know, so that kind of thing. So we lead with sexuality, which isn’t a tough game, but it’s a game that women actually feel like they’re in. “If I’m the sexiest one, if I give better oral sex than she does…” I honestly have heard these stories from women…

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah.

Maryanne Comaroto: I just was on a blog, I did a blog, this guy, I can’t, gosh, I’m so sorry, I can’t think of your name right now, but I was saying that I was at a party and there was a woman, there were about eight of us women sitting around, but there was this one woman who said, “Oh, I love giving oral sex. It is hot, hot, hot. I am so into it. I am so great at it.” And I said, “I’m calling BS on that.” She goes, “What?” I go, “No, I’m going to tell you I’m going to call BS.” She goes, “Oh no, I’m into it.” I go, “Okay, lets go get a guy to have an orgasm in a shot glass. I’m going to stick it in the refrigerator and tomorrow morning you just knock yourself out. Go for it. Mm, yummy. Just have a shot of his cum, huh?” And she looked at me, and I go, “You know, the thing is you’ve trained yourself to believe that.” It’s not about the oral sex. It’s not about the oral sex, it’s not about the organ, it’s all about this; you use your sexuality, you get the guy, he things you’re hot, you’ve got the ninety day wonder thing going, and then in ninety days he actually wonders what happened to you because you’re pissed off, you don’t want to have so much sex after a year or so, or maybe even ninety days, because why? Because that’s what you led with to get him. But it’s so unconscious, we don’t even know we do this, and then we start to have needs, and the guys looking at you like, “Who are you? And what need do you… It’s all about me”, ‘cause that’s what we taught him.

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, we totally enrolled him in that ‘we’re the sexual goddess’ maven, and then…

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right.

Alissa Kriteman: when the mask comes off…

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right.

Alissa Kriteman: that’s when… For two years, right?

Maryanne Comaroto: So right, and we think we’re in the power position, but the truth is it’s not what we really want. When we all totally honestly drop into our hearts, that’s one aspect of a relationship, it’s lovely, it’s beautiful, it’s designed to be in sexual union, and it’s fun and it’s juicy and it’s all of that, but it’s not the relationship. That is not it.

Alissa Kriteman: What else is, can sexuality be used for, if not as some kind of manipulative tool to get a guy?

Maryanne Comaroto: Well there’s a lot of schools of, there are a lot of schools of thought about that. As a matter of fact, one of our colleagues that we were talking about, I’m not going to say his name ‘cause he’s not my favorite person… That’s mean, but, so, but you don’t know who I’m talking about. But anyway, one of the things…

Alissa Kriteman: I love how honest you are.

Maryanne Comaroto: Well I am, I feel like, you know, I try not to be judgmental but every once in a while somebody gets in my craw. So this person talks about, which a lot of the sages throughout the ages talk about, having sex as a portal to God. That is possible for people who have been on a spiritual path on a daily basis as part of their practice to actually understand the context of that. That is not about picking up a tantra book, studying for ten minutes on how to have an hour long orgasm. This is not, you know, that’s what we do in this culture…

Alissa Kriteman: Exactly. It’s the fast food syndrome again…

Maryanne Comaroto: Right. So yes…

Alissa Kriteman: You want it quick.

Maryanne Comaroto: Right. So sex can be a lot of different things, but primarily what I notice for people is it’s a way to make babies, it’s a way to manipulate each other, and it’s a way, another way to be a junkie and to feel good. The highest version of it is it’s a way to connect with your beloved, body, mind and spirit. I believe the body is the most, one of the most sacred, sacred possible things you could have. It houses your intuition, all of your nerve endings, your blood, your brain. I mean it’s an amazing thing to share that with another human being. So it, you know, on the other side of that by the way, when we do that and we’re not in a sacred agreement with someone, the damage I believe that happens over time is, is incalculable.

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah. It’s that total breakdown, it’s the energetic breakdown, the physical, the emotional, which is why it’s so devastating and so important I think that when there is abuse early on in a person’s life, that that gets impacted and supported right away. So we’ll be right back. I’m Alissa Kriteman, your host of Just For Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex. We’re speaking with Maryanne Comaroto about sex in the healthy version. We’ll be right back.

Alissa Kriteman: This is Alissa Kriteman. We’re back, talking with Maryanne Comaroto. Am I saying that right, Comaroto?

Maryanne Comaroto: Comaroto.

Alissa Kriteman: Comaroto.

Maryanne Comaroto: Mm hmm.

Alissa Kriteman: Okay. And before the break we were talking about how what a disadvantage it is and what confusion we leave men with when we lead with our sexuality, and so just to round that out, what else can we lead with if not our sexuality.

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s a really good question, because I think a lot of gals aren’t totally sure what that means, but they have a sense of it, right. We talked a little bit about before that, boy, we’re programmed from an early age, that we, that our greatest value is our sexuality, how we look by the way, defined by how pretty we are, how thin we are, how sexy and alluring we are, and that’s how we get the guy. So when I looked at that issue for the first time in my life I knew I was smart, I though I was very funny, and so what I did was I started spending some more quality time with myself before I started taking that for a test drive elsewhere, right. Meaning I wasn’t, you know, I was on the path already at that time when I started realizing that using my sexuality was putting me in harms way. In other words, if I valued that, so was he. So what I did was is I went back inside myself and started spending time with acknowledging myself for other things about myself, making them more real, and then what I noticed was I didn’t have to lead with anything, it was just true. So for me that’s sort of how I approach my life from the inside out. So I needed to a) have the awareness that I was leading with my sexuality, realize that I value that the most about myself at the time, and then began to look for the other things that were my gifts and strength, strengths, and focus on those almost exclusively. And it’s interesting because my husband, he has a few degrees but one of them is in religious history. He’s got a degree in psychology, all of the things that I love the most, my husband reflects back to me…

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah.

Maryanne Comaroto: Whereas I was with someone for a long time who had an obsession with sexuality. At the time that’s what I valued, or was taught ‘cause I was molested as a kid as I’ve said…

Alissa Kriteman: Right.

Maryanne Comaroto: but it’s just a great, I say that just to point out, to illustrate how dialed in it becomes, so what I want to leave you with is look and see, I’ve got a big bad wolf exercise by the way in my Hindsight book, which will help you get in touch with what you value the most about yourself. So where are you putting your time and attention, and likely that is what you’re going to get back, right. So we want to shift that focus so it’s not as important as what as, you know, just shifting it is from where it is if that’s not working for you.

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, ‘cause interestingly enough here’s the things, we’re sexual beings, we’re going to want to have sex, we just don’t have to lead with our sexuality…

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right.

Alissa Kriteman: If we lead with intelligence or our artistry and meet someone in that place…

Maryanne Comaroto: Right.

Alissa Kriteman: wow, just how much juicier can the sex be?

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right, and, you know, the thing is sex for most of us is the easy part. It’s like frosting, it’s really great, it tastes great and you can’t build a relationship on it. I mean you could, but those are the ones, if anybody out there that’s really working for you, you’re probably in the porn industry, I’m not kidding you. I mean seriously. It’s only part of a relationship, it’s too heavy to sustain as a, as a foundation it doesn’t work.

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, yeah.
Maryanne Comaroto: So leave that part, it’s the easy part. Build…

Alissa Kriteman: Exactly.

Maryanne Comaroto: As my friend whose a psychiatrist said to me, “You know what Maryanne, you’ve got a great serve, but your backhand sucks and your forehand is weak. You’re not going to Wimbledon, babe.” So what I would say to anybody out there, if you want a really great relationship and all you have going for you is your sexuality, you’re not going to Wimbledon, you’re not going to get the great relationship likely, and that just seems to be true as a statistic. I think it’s a great metaphor.

Alissa Kriteman: I love it. I love it, I love it. I was going to make a crude joke about the backhander, the back, but…

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right.

Alissa Kriteman: Anyway, lets move on because we’ve got to go soon, but I want, I want you to leave us with some of the questions that you talk about in your book Hindsight. What are the questions we need to ask before we drop our drawers?

Maryanne Comaroto: Thanks for saying that Alissa, because I took a lot of time and care when I developed this tool about this relationship tool belt folks, to develop this one specific tool, which I call the flashlight. The flashlight is the tool…

Alissa Kriteman: Flashlight.

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right.

Alissa Kriteman: Flashlight. Does it come with an audio?

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right, it will now. That’s the new giveaway.

Alissa Kriteman: Flashlight.

Maryanne Comaroto: So this particular tool…

Alissa Kriteman: You could make a ringtone…

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right.

Alissa Kriteman: Am I being too all over the place?

Maryanne Comaroto: No you’re not…

Alissa Kriteman: A ringtone.

Maryanne Comaroto: This is really fun.

Alissa Kriteman: Okay.

Maryanne Comaroto: I like all of those things. Whatever gets you to do the thing as far as I’m concerned, hey, you know…

Alissa Kriteman: See I need the little reminders.

Maryanne Comaroto: We all do, that’s why I created a relationship tool belt so you can have the visual that every time you get in relationship, you make sure that your tools are intact. So this takeaway, by the way you can get that in my book Hindsight: What You Need To Know Before You Drop Your Drawers, you can get it online, www.maryannelive.com or on Amazon.com. But this particular tool is really fun because interviewing is something we do all the while we’ve got a daily practice, right? You’re going to meet folks, you’re in and out of relationship, busy working on yourself as you change and grow, they grow or they go I always say, so…

Alissa Kriteman: I like that.

Maryanne Comaroto: you will find someone who matches your inside, so as you’re working on it you’re going to meet guys along the way, or gals, or wherever you’re at, whoever’s listening to this program. But the flashlight begs the question, I’ve got 14 questions in my book that everybody at minimum should ask. The first one almost everybody forgets to ask this question and I’m going to tell you why in a second, but I’m going to illustrate it with a story. I’ve got a girlfriends, she owns a little café. She’s been flirting with this guy, lets give him a different profession, he’s a lawyer. He comes in everyday…

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah.

Maryanne Comaroto: He’s been flirting with her relentlessly to the point where she’s going home and naming their children. Look it, this happens, this is what we do as women. We create repertoire, he’s being unabashedly flirtatious, there’s no mistake in her mind that this man likes her. She’s a single mom, been single for, lets pick a new number so we don’t give her away, seven years. She decides after a year of this heavy juicy flirting…

Alissa Kriteman: A year?

Maryanne Comaroto: A year. Okay, she’s careful, got to give her that. But listen to this, you’re not going to believe this Alissa. So she says, “I’m going to, I’m going to ask him to tea. The flirting is over, we’re taking it to the next level.” Okay. She says, “Hey, so and so, I, you know, clearly we like each other, lets have tea.” He literally looks at her and says, “Are you kidding me? I’m married.”

Alissa Kriteman: Mm hmm.

Maryanne Comaroto: A year later people, “I am married.” She said to me, “Now why would someone flirt with me if they were married? Out of the gate?”

Alissa Kriteman: Because they’re married.

Maryanne Comaroto: Well maybe they’re unhappily married, they don’t like themselves, maybe their values are such that they’re not a monogamous person, blah, blah, blah, who cares. The point is is that’s not the best way to start with someone who’s in a committed relationship. So what, you ask a great question, actually I was looking over your shoulder at your notes, how do we ask that question…

Alissa Kriteman: I was looking at your ring.

Maryanne Comaroto: Yeah, I am very married. My husband made sure that he wanted people to know how married I am…

Alissa Kriteman: You better close up on this. It’s like the top of the…

Maryanne Comaroto: It’s cubic zirconium.

Alissa Kriteman: It’s the top of the (unintelligible). We found…

Maryanne Comaroto: It’s okay. You’re embarrassing the heck out of me with my armpits and the ring. Okay. So the thing is that yes, you need to ask the questions, but you have a great question yourself, which is how do we ask those delicate questions, because most of us don’t want to destroy that very delicate chemistry, right.

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, without sounding like they’re under interrogation…

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right. Right, and you know what, sometimes there is not delicate way, but a lot of us know how to create repertoire. One of my favorite conversations to get into… What does that mean? Oh, is it a bomb going off?

Alissa Kriteman: Shut it off.

Maryanne Comaroto: One of the best conversations to get into is to ask people where they grew up.

Alissa Kriteman: Wait, wait, I have to say something, because I had a really funny thing happen to me the other day, which is so poignant and it so speaks to the difference between men and women. I met a man at a course, I facilitate these workshops, and we do some really deep work, and you really have to, I mean it’s very strict, there’s boundaries, there’s no dating, you know, so you can really go deep with these people. And still there was a man there and we just hit it off, you know. You just couldn’t help it, we had done this exercise together, and there was like this spark that happened, you know, and…

Maryanne Comaroto: So what?

Alissa Kriteman: Exactly, exactly. And as a professional it’s like so what…

Maryanne Comaroto: It’s so what anyway.

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, but listen. So here at the end of the day, you know, he was just like, “Wow, that was amazing and blah, blah, blah”, and he’s like, “Are you married?”

Maryanne Comaroto: Like, he asked.

Alissa Kriteman: No problem. 30, what a half an hour, “Are you married?”, and literally…

Maryanne Comaroto: Right.

Alissa Kriteman: And I have a ring on my finger, and he asked anyway, but we won’t do that.

Maryanne Comaroto: Right, because we don’t want to know. That’s the truth. I had a woman interview me and ask me that same question and I said that same thing, “Why do women blah, blah, blah”, I say, “Cause they don’t want to hear the truth.”

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah.

Maryanne Comaroto: We women just want you to love me…

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah.

Maryanne Comaroto: I don’t care if you’re married to 500 people, you are the swammy of, and you have a harem, just tell me I’m okay…

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, and we’ve got to get away from that paradigm…

Maryanne Comaroto: Yeah.

Alissa Kriteman: I mean I think that’s why we’re here. It’s like we’ve learned it ourselves, pretty much the hard way…

Maryanne Comaroto: Yup, yup.

Alissa Kriteman: and now we’re here to say, listen, you don’t need to get hit with a two-by-four to wake up. Read these books, do the work…

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right, that’s right.

Alissa Kriteman: do the flashlight, ask the questions…

Maryanne Comaroto: Right, and lets make a point here, this in no way, none of this work was created to make anybody feel any worse about themselves than on occasion you already do. Understand our passion, I can speak for both of us I think, is really about, oh my god, if you can learn from our mistakes…

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah.

Maryanne Comaroto: I mean it’s one thing to learn from your own mistakes. They say that’s, that’s just brilliant, but to be a genius is to learn from other peoples mistakes, and that’s what we’re trying to say here. That’s what the Hindsight’s all about…

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, and we do it in business, right.

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right…

Alissa Kriteman: The seven laws of success and…

Maryanne Comaroto: Yeah, some of us do that in business…

Alissa Kriteman: Trump’s books…

Maryanne Comaroto: Other people are still trying to figure it out, you know.

Alissa Kriteman: We do.

Maryanne Comaroto: Yeah, well these skills don’t always translate everywhere, so lets have this as a takeaway as well. Look it, get the book Hindsight: What You Need To Know Before You Drop Your Drawers. It’s filled with six tools that you can turn into skills, exercises, questions to ask, it’s a great foundation if you really do want to find the love of your life. You’ll be surprised because you can have that as soon as you want it, and nothing and no one can ever take that away from you. Beyond that, you know, be kind to yourself. This is a process. It’s not fast food. It doesn’t happen overnight. Be in it for the long haul, and I promise you you’ll get the good stuff, namely deep unabashed love with yourself and God, and I’m going to tell you what, it’s almost like that any relationship for me on top of that was just a bonus…

Alissa Kriteman: Absolutely.

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s really my takeaway from all of my years at work, I really, really can say without, beyond a shadow of a doubt, at the end of the day that’s what I always have. It’s not dependent on anyone outside of myself…
Alissa Kriteman: Mm hmm.

Maryanne Comaroto: My husband’s a bonus every day that I wake up and I’m grateful for.

Alissa Kriteman: Mm hmm. And that’s the grace. Doesn’t Maryanne Williamson write about that, that grace?

Maryanne Comaroto: Yes.

Alissa Kriteman: That relationship that we have with ourselves, that it’s…

Maryanne Comaroto: Absolutely.

Alissa Kriteman: that it’s, it’s undeniable and it, it’s, no one can take that away from you…

Maryanne Comaroto: Nope.

Alissa Kriteman: so… Thank you for being the cheerleader for that in a very deep way, you know. They say that you have to hear something seven times before it actually gets in, and, which is why I want to go over these topics again and again, that…

Maryanne Comaroto: Yeah.

Alissa Kriteman: it’s okay to be where we’re at and…

Maryanne Comaroto: And actually it’s 40 days that…

Alissa Kriteman: In a row?

Maryanne Comaroto: that something has to go from, in order for something to go from short-term memory to long-term memory, it needs to be practiced every day for 40 days for you to gain recognition and memory into short-term memory seven times, in marketing they say 3 to 7 times…

Alissa Kriteman: Mm hmm.

Maryanne Comaroto: But for you to actually have it be a default, that’s a lot of work people, so we’re undoing some big grooves. That’s why Alissa and I are saying to you be patient, keep tuning in to Alissa’s show, to my show, Maryanne Live, everyday having a practice, adding, adding, adding, deepening your practice, and you will have you.

Alissa Kriteman: We should do a workshop.

Maryanne Comaroto: I’d love to.

Alissa Kriteman: Lets create a workshop.

Maryanne Comaroto: Absolutely. Stay tuned for that ladies and gentlemen, because that’s a workshop you’re not going to want to miss. Be my pleasure.

Alissa Kriteman: Awesome. Lets also, lets offer again, can we do this again?

Maryanne Comaroto: Yes. My Thrive CD, How To Wake Up And Stay Awake…

Alissa Kriteman: Love it.

Maryanne Comaroto: is available as a gift. Go ahead and email Alissa at…

Alissa Kriteman: a-l-i-s-s-a, @personallifemedia.com ([email protected]).

Maryanne Comaroto: Absolutely, we’ll put it in the mail for you, and in the meantime, www.mariannelive.com, we’re streaming live every Tuesday at 10am all over the world now, we’ve got about 3 million listeners and watchers out there now, so we’re very excited to have you tune in.

Alissa Kriteman: Can I come back?

Maryanne Comaroto: Yes, you have to come back…

Alissa Kriteman: I had so much fun. It’s like I’m recording you for my show while we’re live streaming on your show.

Maryanne Comaroto: That’s right.

Alissa Kriteman: We are in the technology flow, see?

Maryanne Comaroto: Indeed.

Alissa Kriteman: You’re way ahead of the times…

Maryanne  Comaroto: Yeah, I just don’t know it, and I like that about myself. Yeah, well thank you.

Alissa Kriteman: Well that brings us to the end of Just For Women. Maryanne, so good to sit with you…

Maryanne Comaroto: Mm hmm.

Alissa Kriteman: and talk about these things and really support our sisters in our growth and development, so thank you for all the hard work that you’ve done and that you are sharing with women with your book Hindsight: What We Need To Know  Before We Drop Our Drawers, I love that…

Maryanne Comaroto: Thank you.

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah.

Maryanne Comaroto: It’s been a privilege and it’s my pleasure to be here and happy to serve.

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, thank you.

Maryanne Comaroto: Yeah. Blessing everybody.

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah. Alright, so that brings us to the end of the show. I’m your host Alissa Kriteman, signing off. For text and transcripts of this show, and more shows on the Personal Life Media network, just go to personallifemedia.com. And now you can get instant notification when my next show goes live. You can get same day notification or a weekly digest. Just go to personallifemedia.com/signup and don’t miss one juicy nugget of these fantastic experts like Maryanne Comaroto. Why am I saying your name like that? Comaroto? Can I call you just C?

Maryanne Comaroto: Yeah.

Alissa Kriteman: MC?

Maryanne Comaroto: Call me Maryanne…

Alissa Kriteman: CC?

Maryanne Comaroto: That works for me.

Alissa Kriteman: Maryanne?

Maryanne Comaroto: Yeah.

Alissa Kriteman: I like CC.

Maryanne Comaroto: CC’s good. I’ve always wanted a nickname.

Alissa Kriteman: I’ll call you CC.

Maryanne Comaroto: My assistant calls me Mimi. But CC’s good too.

Alissa Kriteman: I like CC.

Maryanne Comaroto: Alright, I’m going with that.

Alissa Kriteman: Alright, we’re ending. Thanks everyone. Tune in next week for more juicy news you can use.