Episode 31 - “A Modern Woman approach to making Relationships Work” with Relationship Specialist LiYana Silver

Transcript

Alissa Kriteman: Welcome to Just for Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex. I’m your host, Alissa Kriteman. This show is dedicated to bringing you the most useful information from today’s top experts to help you create the life you are inspired to live. Today on the show, I’m happy to welcome LiYana Silver. She is a relationship specialist and has a very interesting perspective on women, women’s empowerment and redefining monogamy. So today on the show we’re going to talk about some of the principles that LiYana teaches about being an empowered woman and then we’re going to talk about what she teaches men.

LiYana Silver: What we define in monogamy is about is, is being able to redefine from your perspective as the person in the relationship, what it is to have an extraordinary relationship.

LiYana Silver: The incredible magic that it is and can be to be a woman and that if the relationship is going to be extraordinary will come from the seed of the extraordinariness of the woman.

LiYana Silver: What I love to do, what I love most in working with women is to have them take ownership of their own extraordinariness and their own pleasure and enjoyment of their lives.

LiYana Silver: The place to put the attention is on what you enjoy and what you find fun and what you really love and not always the fulfillment necessarily of those desires, but to enjoy the desire and the enjoyment itself.

LiYana Silver: What men want is they want to make their woman happy and they want to be the cause of her joy and her radiance and her pleasure, and they try what they think is going to work and they fail.

Alissa Kriteman: So LiYana, welcome to the show.

LiYana Silver: Great to be here. Thanks for having me.

Alissa Kriteman: It’s my pleasure. So let me tell you a little bit about LiYana Silver. She is a speaker, teacher and writer. She writes for, what, tell us the column you write for.

LiYana Silver: It’s called Enlightened Sex and the City for a magazine in New York called New York Spirit.

Alissa Kriteman: Awesome. She’s also certified as a holistic health counselor, registered yoga teacher and as I said before relationship specialist. So LiYana, lets get right into it. When I saw your website, Redefining Monogamy, I was completely intrigued because monogamy is such a, non monogamy is such a taboo subject, and so the fact that you’re writing and teaching about redefining monogamy, what exactly does that mean?

LiYana Silver: Well, I struggled with that title when I was building the website and I decided to go for something that had a bit of provocative edge to it so that people would be intrigued, and I don’t have a stance one way or the other on monogamy or non monogamy, I just notice that relationships and sex are one of the most important areas in our life, but the ones that we don’t have any useful, so much useful conversation or models, so really what this is about, what redefining monogamy is about is being able to redefine from your perspective as the person in the relationship what it is to have an extraordinary relationship, and the actual pieces, the blueprint that creates a very extraordinary monogamous relationship is the same that’s going to create a really great non monogamous relationship. And it’s really on those blueprints and how-to’s and tools that I concentrate, and then there’s some people who want to kind of go put the cherry on top and learn how to make something non monogamous work, but what I’m really after is extraordinary relationships that are created by the people in them.

Alissa Kriteman: Awesome. I’ve definitely heard before that women sort of steer the relationship, so how do we as women, I like that and I like that your focus is on how do you make a monogamous relationship work, never mind adding other energies and things of that nature, so how do we do that?

LiYana Silver: Well, I think first of all we’re in a really tough time. Life changes so quickly and the models that we are handed down from last generation or previously don’t necessarily work, but there’s not a whole lot of information to know how to make what you do want work or even to know what you want. So how we do that, it is the responsibility of the woman, and not responsibility in a drudgery sense, but a real privilege of what it is, the incredible magic that it is and can be to be a woman, and that if the relationship is going to be extraordinary, it will come from the seed of the extraordinariness of the woman.

Alissa Kriteman: So, you’re asking us to look at what are the blocks to our extraordinariness as a woman as the foundation for creating a fantastic monogamous relationship. So how do we do that, how do we identify what might be stopping us from loving ourselves, ‘cause that’s really what you’re saying, yeah?

LiYana Silver: Absolutely. I think the first thing is to realize there is an incredible cultural prejudice against women. We do live in a patriarchal society and probably most of you listening to this live in a western culture where it’s a little bit less evident, but it an epidemic, pandemic that women are considered to be second class citizens by men and women alike and there is a ingestion of this, of this that women do to ourselves, that we do to ourselves, so the first step is to just be aware that we have this, we have this victimization and we have this self loathing that we don’t even really know. So what I’m saying, the fist step is to start to know the ground on which we’re walking and living and our own wiring on our own core issues so that we can know ourselves really well, and that’s kind of like looking under the hood of the car to know what you’re working with. But that’s like not that fun, you want to have the car working really well, close the hood and like go for a drive, but it’s important, right, to have the car in the working order, know what you’re working with. So, although that’s important and that’s the ground, where the real juice is is where you know yourself really well and what do you do with that. And what I love to do, what I love most in working with women is to have them take ownership of their own extraordinariness and their own pleasure and enjoyment of their lives. And the how’s are a little bit different from each woman but I think that it, it takes a, I think it takes a desire to live a slightly different life and to, to not do necessarily what the herd is doing, but to start to nurture and listen to an intuition on the inside that things could be different and it actually comes from within you as a woman.

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, and I think it’s interesting and difficult at times to actually find time to do that. So, you’re saying first off understand the cultural soup that we as women are living in, which isn’t necessarily being held in the highest light, this second class citizen stuff that you’re talking about, which definitely evokes a lot of anger I would think in women, because it’s like, it’s, it’s this sexist attitude, you know, and we as women have to deal with that and it’s like I think we’re never taught that it’s okay to feel, yeah, that anger or the attention from men maybe that we don’t want or don’t know how to handle, and we walk around in the world with all this pressure on us already just for being a woman, and so you’re saying get right with the baseline, that’s the way that it is, and we’re either going to rise above that or not, or we’re going to stay stuck in the sadness and the anger and then beyond that. So, there’s that, which it, in and of itself is like hello, difficult. And then knowing ourselves, not going along with the herd. So how do we take steps to really stop and nurture our own natural gifts and go for what we are desiring in the face of all this fear and sadness and anger and all that?

LiYana Silver: Well, I think, I want to say two things, that a lot of what we want as women is to be radiant and all that comes with that, and there are two things that have a woman be attractive and radiant as far as I can tell, and those things are a woman who’s right with herself and a woman who is in ownership of her own self and really comfortable in her own skin. And the second thing is sensually fulfilled. Not just sexually, but sensually that she’s a creature that is, all of her senses are filled up, and a woman who is in surplus around her sensuality and her own view of herself is radiant, it’s like a law of physics, that is the definition, and a woman who is full and filled up and in surplus has so much to give other people. So it’s like a well that’s overflowing. So that the place to put the attention is on what you enjoy and what you find fun and what you really love and not always to the fulfillment necessarily of those desires, but to enjoy the desire and the enjoyment itself, and if that’s where your eyes are trained, it’s like a naturally self correcting course that you begin to fill up, and that, yes, you have to face every day, so much are demanded of us as women, so much is demanded of us as women, and that we live in this cultural soup that sucks, but keeping our eye on our own divine connection with what we enjoy and what’s hot and juicy and wonderful is a self correcting course, and it’s like the easiest most quickest most efficient way to blossom who we are and to bring that into our relationships and love.

Alissa Kriteman: I really like that, so that actually could be a daily practice where if we find ourselves spinning out, you know, to allow that, but also to get back to, wait a minute, what do I want here, what do I like here, what, what can I appreciate here, you know,  and really getting our minds sort of back on track to the joy and the pleasure and the desire. Awesome. We’re going to take a break to support our sponsors. This is Alissa Kriteman, your host of Just for Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex, and we’re talking with relationship specialist LiYana Silver and we’ll be right back.

Alissa Kriteman: Welcome back to Just for Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex. I’m your host Alissa Kriteman. Today we’re talking with LiYana Silver, relationship specialist who is talking about the fundamentals of having a powerful, fulfilled, radian life, which gives you a powerful, fulfilled, radiant relationship, and having that foundation is really what’s important if you want to start allowing your desires and your interests to move beyond a monogamous relationship, which is very scary LiYana, you know. I think what you’re doing is very edgy for most of the world. A lot of us just like to have our man and one to one, man/ woman simple relationship and that’s not necessarily the case out there and, you know, with the advent of the internet and all kinds of information that’s available, I think it’s great and it’s very edgy. So basically what you’re saying for women is, you know what, you’ve got to have a life that you love first, and we’ve heard this through a lot of the interviews that I’ve done. Women have to take charge of their life first, their joy, because it’s not going to be given to us, and from that it attracts other joyful people and experiences. But really what I want to talk about is men. You do a lot of work with men and what, what do men want? What, what are some of the issues that men come to you as a relationship specialist seeking to know more about?

LiYana Silver: Well, this is a generalization of course, I don’t speak for all men, but what men want is they want to make their woman happy and they want to be the cause of her joy and her radiance and her pleasure, and they try what they think is going to work and they fail, and it’s really disheartening. And so a lot of what I work with, work with men around is how to understand this opposite sex and how to, how to work with her to be able to do that. And, so often I just start by saying, “Look, this is how a woman’s body works. This is how she’s like hooked up, and this is how her emotions work, and these are, there are fundamental differences in the way that men and women process information and process emotions and to understand what we’re dealing with really makes the playing field more even.” And then, depending on where the guy is at, I often get into some sensual practices, I don’t do hands-on work, but sort of direct them so that they can really work with the woman that they’ve got to have a really amazing sensual connection where she is totally lit up and satisfied and so is he.

Alissa Kriteman: You know, that is a really excellent point. I think women, myself included, need to hear this and be reminded time and again that men really do want to make us happy, and so it’s amazing that you can work with men in this way and help them understand who a woman is, and also for women to understand that that’s actually at the core of what guys want, is to make their woman happy. Lets talk about communication. So if we’re in a situation where we’ve completely forgotten that our man loves us and that he, at the heart of what he’s doing is that he wants to, like he’s motivated by giving us joy, but we’re not, we’re not finding that, how can, what do you say to women about communicating their needs and desires to their man, ‘cause that’s always a sticky situation.

LiYana Silver: I’d love to say two things on that. These are both, I think if you didn’t listen to anything else and heard these, these would save your whole relationship. So the first thing is that you want to communicate in a way where you start with what’s already working and what’s already good. So rather than, okay, that there’s an issue, there’s a problem, but if you start from what’s not working things only get worse. You have to start from where they are good right now and then they can get better. Things don’t go from bad to better, they go from bad to good to better and it is a natural progression. So how that translates into communication is that you start, you tap into your heart and go, “What is going well right now? Really, genuinely what can I say that’s good right now?” And then you can say, “And, one specific thing, like this is an issue, can we talk about this?”, because when it’s good, the guys a lot more able to hear what needs to be worked on, if he just hears what’s not going well, he’s already felt like he’s failed you and he shuts down even more. The second thing is a distinction between communication and expression, and a lot of times we as women have all of these feelings and emotions and we’re like, “I will tell you this no matter what, it is my right”, and it is, but there is a way that it’s like charge in a wire that’s, that needs to be discharged, and it’s not always the most healthy thing to do that on your man. That you can discharge the energy of the emotion and have the feeling of expression and then what you’re often left with is this little gem that you can communicate to him. And this isn’t to become like the perfect communicator or over managed, it’s to circumvent all of the reaction and all of the fighting when you lay a bunch of emotion, when if you took a little bit of time, you could communicate in a little bit clearer, more, less chargey way and, you know, it’s really confronting for guys to feel like they’re the cause of your unhappiness, and so the more you can communicate in a way where it’s gentler, the more he’s going to open up and be like, “Yeah, I want to solve that with you.”

Alissa Kriteman: Got it. So basically what you’re saying is in man’s ease or, you know, a man’s world, a lot of emotion coming at him makes him feel like he’s the cause, he automatically personalizes it, yeah?

LiYana Silver: Yeah, and it’s different in any situation, a lot of time, you know, that, that means a lot of abuse is going to happen, who knows what the guys childhood was like, it’s a very scary situation, and it’s not to say that you shouldn’t have emotion with your man, you think that a lot of women make themselves wrong for that. It’s just to be a little bit smarter, to know, “Okay, I could actually run off this charge with a girlfriend or someone else and get to the heart of the matter so that he can hear me more clearly.”

Alissa Kriteman: Got it, so that was my second question, how do we discharge this emotion as you were saying, and so how we would do that is talk to a girlfriend, maybe exercise?

LiYana Silver: Absolutely. A neutral third party who can kind of be like, “Okay, this is just discharge. I’m just getting clear. Nothing I say is actually the truth necessarily. I can say the worst nastiest thing in the world and you won’t even remember.” And we have a lot of pressure on our relationships for our mate to be everything for us, and they don’t need to be our counselor and they don’t need to be our girlfriend and, so I think that if there are ways to get help outside, it can make your relationship so much more, just so much more of a fun place to be.

Alissa Kriteman: I really like that. I also want to touch just a little bit more before we go on the non monogamy, like what does that mean, because I think it freaks people out thinking that it means some kind of swinging relationship where you’re going to have multiple sexual partners and, you know, it’s very frightening because sex is a very delicate and sacred act between two people. And so what do you have to say about what, what non monogamy means? Can it mean just having different kinds of experiences with each other? I don’t know.

LiYana Silver: Thanks, I was hoping you’d bring that up again. So, I think that, that there shouldn’t be pressure to have a monogamous relationship or a non monogamous relationship and that, that there is obviously so much pressure for us to have the perfect monogamous relationship. But, I guess what I’m thinking is that there are two, there are two ways to think about why it’s confronting to have a non monogamous relationship, and the first is it just may not be your thing, that if it’s not your expression in relationship this time round, no worries. There is an incredible amount of learning and deepening in monogamy. But for non monogamy to work, it’s got to come from surplus, meaning the relationship has to be extraordinary as it is, incredible communication, a depth of sensuality, like partnership on a deep level, that then there can be more, that non monogamy often has to come as an addition to an overflowing relationship, and if it comes from scarcity, then it will probably mess things up on a big scale. And of course women would feel threatened by non monogamy because it’s not that stable and the relationship isn’t that stable in the first place. Once it’s stable and once the women is full and getting everything she needs and more, there’s space for that to be a possibility. So if it’s threatening, I think the place to look is exactly the same place as before, is that are you full and overflowing, and from that state, there’s so much that’s possible.

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah. ‘Cause you know what’s happening? People are cheating on each other anyway. People are having extramarital affairs, watching porn, having, you know, what stays in Vegas, you know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Like that’s happening, I think that’s the reality of what’s going on, but nobody wants to talk about it ‘cause it’s too scary. And what you’re saying is, yeah, can you dare to face, you have those desires, but you’re actually going to create it in a way that honors your partner, and I just think that that whole gap that you’re talking about is missing. It’s missing because people are too afraid, it’s like they don’t even know that having maybe another person in their life is something that they want. You know, how do you even know that monogamy, you said you have to know if monogamy is something that’s for you or not, well how do you even know? You know, so I’m really starting to understand why the divorce rate is so high and the work that you’re doing to impact that in brining authenticity to people individually and in relationships, like why not admit what you want?

LiYana Silver: I think that’s so well said, it’s at the heart of what I do, is that could we just put our cards on the table and be friends in the relationship, be on the same team, and that, you know, cheating is relative, meaning you’ve got a set of rules and if you go outside the set of rules then you’ve cheated, but why not redefine the rules in your relationship so that you stay within them, right? It’s a very radical view because we think that we can’t get what we want and still be, and still have everything we want, and I say you can, and it takes work and it takes commitment and energy and like creativity and love, love, love, love, love, but you can, you can actually have what you and be like having, you can have it all.

Alissa Kriteman: I love it, I love it, you’re so lit up right now. So, ladies if you want to hear more about how you can have everything in your life and more how do we find you LiYana Silver?

LiYana Sivler: Take a look at my website, it’s www.redefiningmonogamy.com, and you can also always email me, on my website there’s a contact LiYana form, you can also always email me at LiYana, L-i-Y-a-n-a @redefiningmonogamy.com. And I’d love to hear from you.

Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, no I think this is great and I really, I really support women and talking to you, ‘cause it’s so taboo and I love talking about things that are taboo because it’s the time for women to rise up and be responsible for our selves and go for what we want and you’re a pioneer in this and I want women to get connected with you and just talk, you know, talk, get some coaching, what’s not working in your relationship, how do you be more empowered. The other thing I want to mention to women is that you have a free, what is it, tell them about the free e-course that you have.

LiYana Silver: Absolutely, there’s a free 8-week e-course that runs you through the basics of what we’ve been talking about. The basics of kind of getting clear on your own wiring and how you bring it into your life to be more lit up and connected to your self. And that’s a great place to start. If you’re totally like clear, there’s also a free consultation you can do with me. That’s 45 minutes where we talk about what’s going on with you and decide on your best next step.

Alissa Kriteman: Awesome. LiYana Silver, thank you so much. Thank you for being so brave and blowing open what’s possible for women, not only for themselves and really loving and honoring themselves, but also what is available to them in relationships so we can have it all. So thank you, thanks for being here today.

LiYana Silver: What a pleasure, thank you so much Alissa.

Alissa Kriteman: So thank you listeners for joining us today. I just want you to know that you can email me at alissa, a-l-i-s-s-a, @personallifemedia.com. Please give me your comments about the show, ask questions, offer any ideas, I would love, love, love to hear from you. And also texts and transcripts of the show are available at personallifemedia.com. And that brings us to the end of the show, thank you so much for tuning in. I’m your host Alissa Kriteman, always empowering you to make the best choices so you can live the life of your dreams here on Just for Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex. See you next time.