Episode 8: YOU have the Power to Achieve Sustainable Happiness with Happiness and Dating Expert Aymee Coget
“YOU have the Power to Achieve Sustainable Happiness” with Happiness & Dating Expert Aymee Coget
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Alissa Kriteman: Welcome to Just For Women: Dating, Relationships, and Sex. I'm your host Alissa Kriteman. This show is dedicated to bringing you the freshest, most useful information available today. To help YOU continually become the most powerful, dynamic, juicy woman you know you can be.
Aymee Coget: Fortunately I've achieved an unlimited level of sustainable happiness, and so they see the power of happiness just by being around me because I am able to be authentically happy and I've figured out all the tricks (giggle).
Aymee Coget: Since the beginning of time women were taught to focus on others needs; and so now that we're focusing more on our own needs, because we rely -our mothers, our grandmothers are realizing that we have to focus on ourselves so we are 100%. And when we are 100%, that's when we can really serve others. So they can be 100%, too.
Alissa Kriteman: Today on the show, I have happiness and dating expert Aymee Coget. Aymee's going to give us some deep insight into the nature of happiness and show us how we can apply these happiness principals to achieving and maintain a consistently, outrageously, happy life.
On the show today, we will discuss Aymees' definition of happiness and the fundamentals of the happy life. Aymees formula for maintaining happiness during and after a break-up or divorce. What Aymee calls "Lovership" and her perspective on how it will change your view of dating and partnership forever.
We'll also look at the Passion Index: what it is and how it can help you get what YOU want in the bedroom.
Listeners today we're going to learn about different exercises we can use to increase and sustain happiness in our lives. Mainly using the Break-Up formula we’re going to apply happiness skills to any area of our life, especially our love and sex life. We're going to discern the amount of passion we're letting flow through our lives AND How to increase passion.
So Welcome, soon-to-be Dr. Aymee Coget. It's great to have you on Just for Women.
Aymee Coget: Thank you Alissa. It is such an honor to be interviewed by such an amazing interviewer like yourself for all of these women.
Alissa Kriteman: (laughs) I'm not paying her. For those of you who don't yet know Amy Coget, Amy has a Masters degree in Organizational Psychology with an emphasis in Leadership and Positive Psychology. She is a PhD candidate-soon-to-be- Dr. .
She is author of Wake Up and Smile: Your Guide to Sustainable Happiness. Available in bookstores this summer. Amy is an active workshop leader and has been coaching people to live super happy lives for the past eight years.
She takes the new science of happiness-which is Positive Psychology-and combines it with ancient, eastern philosophies to offer pragmatic approaches for people to create sustainable happiness in their lives.
You're up to a lot over there, Amy Coget. (laughs) O.k., so Aymee, the word happy can mean many things. What are YOU referring to when you say happy?
Aymee Coget: Happiness is one of those emotions that everybody thinks they know about, but turns out nobody knows anything about it. Because of the new recent development of the science of happiness, we now understand what it is. However, the funny thing is that no one agrees on the definition of happiness. And so it’s actually best to be described-the best that the researchers can do is -uhh- frequent experience of positive emotion. That is happiness. However, I have to tell you there are three types of happiness. And the first type is the type that everyone has experienced. It is called Hedonic Happiness. H-e-d-o-n-i-c. And Hedonic Happiness is something that 100% of our population has experienced at one point in our lives. And this is from-we experience this type of happiness when we have external stimulus. For instance when a secret admirer gives us flowers, we're happy. However, right after that we could get in a fight with our mother or we could get stuck in a traffic jam, so we're not happy anymore.
Alissa Kriteman: So Hedonic is not lasting?
Aymee Coget: Correct. The next type of happiness is Eudemonic Happiness- E-u-d-e-m-o-n-i-c andthis type of happiness is pretty new in the research community. It is sustainable. It is based from being your authentic self. Utilizing your strengths and having purpose and meaning in life. That is sustainable. Because we are in charge of it. We don't have to rely on external sources to give this type of happiness to us.
Alissa Kriteman: So if we're following our purpose in life- we're authentically sharing who we are, our desires. That's Eudemonic Happiness and that is sustainable. Where as Hedonic is fleeting. We seem to have no control over it. We're happy one moment not happy the next. O.k.?
Aymee Coget: Absolutely. And the third type of happiness was just coined this year in 2007, it is called Chaironic Happiness. And Chaironic Happiness, what differentiates it from the others is a sense of spiritual connection. This is the type of happiness where you can happy even when you're dying on your deathbed. This is the type of happiness that the Dali Lama experiences.
Alissa Kriteman: O.k. so the Dali Lama meditates from like, 3 a.m. to 6 a.m., or probably longer everyday of his life and has had intensive training since he was a child. So, how do we experience that kind of sustainable happiness or even get a glimpse of it?
Aymee Coget: Through meditation just like the Dali Lama helps. Connection with nature also helps. And just the belief in knowing that there is a higher power involved in our daily lives.
Alissa Kriteman: O.k. so letting go of that we- well that's interesting because we want to come from a place where we are in control of where we're going but you're saying maybe a little bit more of a co-creation between what is here that we can see and what we can't?
Aymee Coget: That's a good way of putting it.
Alissa Kriteman: O.k. so physical and non-physical?
Aymee Coget: We'll get a little meta-physical on everybody. (Both laugh)
Alissa Kriteman: No- because it’s interesting because it was just coined or- you know- put into the mainstream in 2007. That's this year. So what's going on in research? And why is it called Chaironic?
Aymee Coget: Chaironic Happiness, they coined it in relation to Hedonic and Eudemonic Happiness but really it’s just to bring the element of spirit into happiness.
Alissa Kriteman: O.k. Where as before people weren't talking about the connection of something unseen as a source of real power in sustainable happiness. And would you say that because it seems like people are a lot more open to these kinds of conversations-these spiritual conversations, and that's why this is happening?
Aymee Coget: Yes. I think we are coming to a point in our human existence where we're looking for something bigger and better. Where we're looking for some-we need some answers for what our current state is in the world. And so that's why I think people are looking more to spiritually these days.
Alissa Kriteman: O.k., so in your coaching, what kind of happiness do you focus on?
Aymee Coget: I focus on Eudemonic and Chaironic Happiness.
Alissa Kriteman: O.k. and what does that look like in a typical coaching session?
Aymee Coget: Hmm, well it contracts with clients for three-month time periods and in that time I consider it a Happiness Incubation period. And that is: in the beginning we talk about getting a positive self-image and what are our strengths and how do we determine those strengths and how do we use them through our strengths and what do we do with this information now that we have it. And thus using our strengths is really a daily activity. And through a number of assessments that's how we create a positive self-image. And as we move forward into creating our authenticity and finding out what gives my client meaning in life. And how does my client really have- utilize our strengths and see the meaning and feel confident in their authenticity. And I also add a spiritual component to it as well.
Alissa Kriteman: What's the spiritual component? Because I'll say, not a lot of- I mean you're a psychologist- and I don't know but it seems like spiritually hasn't quite yet gone mainstream into therapy-traditional therapy. So, how is your coaching a little bit different utilizing spirit?
Aymee Coget: Mmm Hmm, well first I have to clarify that, Alissa, I'm actually not a psychologist. I did not study Clinical Psychology. I studied Organizational Psychology. so I do know about Psychology and how the human mind works. However, I'm not educated in the D.S.M., per say.
Alissa Kriteman: What's D.S.M.?
Aymee Coget:D.S.M. is the disorder manual that tells clinicians what is wrong with their clients .Say Anxiety, Bipolar, or Depression and so on. I actually don't buy into the D.S.M. (laughs.)
Alissa Kriteman: Ooooo, now we're getting juicy here ! (In a whisper) She doesn't buy into the D.S.M. (laughs) It almost sounds a little naughty. Umm, o.k. .
Aymee Coget: It turns out that in Positive Psychology, it's been brought to light that most of the institutions around Psychology have focused on what's wrong with humanity. And I believe that everyone has something wrong with them according to this particular manual, but you know we're a little obsessive compulsive at times or anxious at times no matter what- it is going to happen-its part of humanity. Now if we focus on that and we talk about our problems, we're going
to be caught in this downward spiral. But, if we take a Positive Psychology approach and we build on what is working, and we build on what comes natural and we build on what is your strengths, it's a totally, uplifting spiral of positive emotions in someone’s life.
Alissa Kriteman: Wow ! I really, really like what you're saying. It sounds like a complete break from how we've diagnosed and treated people in the past. And so Positive Psychology really-it sounds like-I didn't realize how different it really is from traditional mainstream Psychology. And therapy sounds likes which would also lend itself to the kinds of pharmaceutical drugs that get prescribed and things of that nature. And so you're saying you focus on the assessments of what people’s strengths are and focus there? O.k., so what if someone just can't seem to get on the "Happy Train”?
Aymee Coget: (laughs) by the time people come to me, they're ready for the "Happy Train". They've been-perhaps they've been in therapy for fifteen years-perhaps they've been they've been depressed their whole entire life. You know they just don't know what else to do. They think that happiness is impossibility for them. And for me, fortunately, I've achieved an unlimited level of sustainable happiness, and so they see the power of happiness just by being around me because I'm able to be authentically happy and I've figured out all the tricks (giggle). So they see it as an example, leading by example. So ultimately, it’s kind of a step-by-step process that in the beginning of the three months, my clients are not happy. They've never experienced-maybe they've never even experienced happiness before. But at the end of the three months, after they've learned happiness is a skill and a lifestyle, then they can deal with everyday situations or everyday what I like to call Happiness Challenges.
Alissa Kriteman: O.k., So what do us do when a Happiness Challenge comes up?
Aymee Coget:Well the first thing to do is to realize that happiness is in your own control and too many times we've been taught that happiness is dependant on people, places and things. Like, ' Oh, my husband’s not making me happy. ', ' Oh, this beat up ol' car is not making me happy. ', ' Oh, I wish I was in a bigger house, then I would be happier. ‘But the focus on Eudemonic Happiness really brings the client to a place of understanding that their choice of happiness is their own control. And so when a Happiness Challenge arises, that's the first things to do: ' O.k. is this in my control? Yes or No? ', Second is: ' How do I utilize my strengths to get out of this Happiness Challenge? ' . And usually between those two things the Happiness Challenge is taken care of.
Alissa Kriteman: Nice. I like that. So it takes a lot of presence of mind to stop yourself. When you're faced with a challenge, remind yourself ‘O.k., happiness is a choice and how am I going to use my strengths to get myself over this obstacle. '. I like that. So basically to recap, happiness is a choice and if you find yourself stuck with a challenge obstacle to your happiness, you can go back to the assessment where you figured out what your strengths are and really utilize that to push yourself forward. I know that I am a happy person, a humorous person. I know even for myself when we did-I actually did the analysis. I have a very clear understanding of what my strengths are now that done this sort of assessment. And I know you use that assessment very powerfully in your coaching. And just to kind of throw in there, my top strength is curiosity and interest in the world. And so, I have many times found myself going back to 'Oh yeah. Why am I here? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? '. And it - it's pretty brilliant. Can you tell us a little bit more about the assessment?
Aymee Coget: Absolutely. And everyone can go on the internet and find out their own strengths at www.authentichappiness.com. And it's called the V -as in Victor- I.A. strengths survey means of values and actions. It's basically an analysis of what's the opposite of what's wrong with us. (laughs)
Alissa Kriteman: Talk to us a little bit more about the difference between -I'll say- traditional Psychology and Positive Psychology. 'Cause I think that's really fascinating what you've been -how you've been distinguishing the differences.
Aymee Coget: Sure. The differences, it turns out that this is actually an institutional issue. Back in the 1940s, when there were mental health institutions put in place, they would only fund research that was related to fixing human beings problems. And so this became a systemic issue. All of the professors and psychologists who wanted to do research had to- in order to get funded- they had to fix someone’s problems. And so the traditional psychology is about fixing someone’s problems, fixing what's wrong with them. Where as Positive Psychology says ' Hey, you know what? Let’s stop talking about problems. And let’s start talking about what's working and what's good about us. '. And so they've started studying it. And fortunately there is a shift now in funding that is available for this type of research.
Alissa Kriteman: Nice. I love it. Aymee, tell us some exercises we can do to help keep happiness sustainable in our lives.
Aymee Coget: Sure. One intension I like my client to set every single morning is saying to themselves ' Today is the happiness day of my life ' and really feeling it. And setting the intension for today is actually going to be the happiest day of my life. And I was taught that by a man who was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize nineteen times, his name is Dr. Robert Muler. And he wrote a book called Most of All They Taught Me Happiness. And he worked in the United Nations for forty years and he was a survivor of The Holocaust. And he said to me, " Aymee, iness saved my life in a Nazi death camp. And every morning I woke up and I said, ' Today is the happiest day of my life, ' . And so if- you know what- if he can survive in a Nazi death camp, we can survive in our everyday lives. So, please, set the intension ' Today is the happiest day of my life, ' . Secondly, gratitude. Gratitude is the fastest track to happiness. And we have endless things to be grateful for : our legs, our arms, our eyes, our friends, our family, our friends, the food in our refrigerator, the roof over our head. And so I ask my clients to log five things in a gratitude journal every day never repeating anything. Third is Be Kind. You know happiness is not rocket science, fortunately. (laughs) It's funny to have a doctor say "Just be nice. ". Because its actually very powerful and was it just linked to happiness. I believe in 2006. So, I have my clients doing random acts of kindness. At least five a day. There's actually a Random Acts of Kindness Foundation that gives us ideas about things that we can do that constitutes a random act of kindness. If you think about, Alissa, the last time someone performed a random act of kindness on you, were you happier?
Alissa Kriteman: I was ecstatic!
Aymee Coget: Can you tell us about that time?
Alissa Kriteman: I came home once, I was dating a man and he had been going through a very difficult time. And I just held so much space for him, and really took care of him, and put attention on him and completely unexpected- it was just a natural expression. And the next day there was this huge bouquet of roses and a card that deeply expressed to me how, you know, good it felt for him. And I guess that's not really random because you know, there's a little bit of umm, a precursor to it. But I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying is when someone takes the time- when someone pays the meter and you know you're going through the toll. Little things little things. My housemate, you know, leaves me some flowers. Yeah. So I understand what you're saying.
Aymee Coget: Right. And then can you give us an example of the last time you performed a random act of kindness?
Alissa Kriteman: I bought a friend breakfast. (laughs) It's true. Basically what you're saying is it feeds. You know. If that energy is creative and powerful, that when we do things to be kind to others, it really fuels something. And you know, it's interesting- I was just thinking- it seems so simple you know. Gratitude. Giving gratitude is one of the four cornerstones in my book also, because the core gratitude is so enormous and its so easily overlooked. Which is why it's a practice. We have to practice. So I love that you have that as one of your cornerstones and exercises as well, as a way to sustain happiness over time.
We're going to take a break. And when we come back, we're going to talk more with Aymee Coget-happiness expert, about some other things that we can do to find out what really turns us on and makes us passionate in life. And how that can lead to a sustainable happy life. We'll be right back. This is Alissa Kriteman and you're listening to Just For Women: Dating Relationships and Sex.
(1 minute commercial break)
Alissa Kriteman: Welcome back to the show. This is Alissa Kriteman. I'm your host of Just For Women: Dating, Relationships, and Sex. We're speaking with
Aymee Coget-happiness expert, relationship expert, dating expert, happiness coach. We were talking about happiness, the roots of happiness, and how to have that as a sustainable existence in our lives over time. So now we're going to talk about The Passion Index: what it is and how we can utilize it, mainly in the bedroom, to get what we want. Aymee, tell us about this Passion Index.
Aymee Coget: I love The Passion Index. Women are coming into their authenticity more and more. And the focus is becoming more and more on ourselves, instead of on others. And in order for ourselves to understand ourselves, I've created what is called The Passion Index. The Passion Index is an exercise to help us monitor what we care about deeply. And this is a journal and every time you experience an extreme powerful emotion, or an extreme negative emotion, you log it into the Passion journal. And so you start noticing people, places, things and ideas around what is bringing that intense emotion up for you. So, to actually start understanding more about what we're passionate about, helps us understand what our needs are and who we are as an authentic individual.
The application to the bedroom is imperative. Because if we are not in understanding what we're passionate about in the bedroom, how are going to have passion? (laughs)
So, if you take those extreme emotions and you apply them in a bedroom context, then an awareness starts increasing around what you want in the bedroom.
Alissa Kriteman: Alright. Let me just, take a step back. You said to log just powerful emotion-positive or negative. So, what does knowing a negative emotion gives us access to?
Aymee Coget: It allows us to create boundaries and understand what is not o.k. for us. So if my partner is in the bedroom with me, and we are getting romantic, and he has got really bad breath, it ruins the moment for me. And so, I'm going to say "Look, can you go to bathroom and use some mouthwash?." And you know what, next time, he probably is going to use the mouthwash before we start getting into the romance.
Alissa Kriteman: Gotta be careful, careful, careful on that one though because I know from the work and the interviews that I've done, that men are really sensitive. And to really present information like that in a very delicate way. How would you say that to a man? 'Cause that's pretty sensitive. How would you say that in a way that wouldn't diminish a man, or make him feel uncomfortable?
Aymee Coget:Actually, I wouldn't say anything at all. I would just bring over some mints.
Alissa Kriteman: You would? Really?
Aymee Coget: And I would take one myself. And I would offer one to him.
Alissa Kriteman:Okay, so kind of giving him the heads up and let him say something. Okay, so you wouldn't bring over a tray of mouthwash? (both laugh) You give him a mint. Okay.
Tell us more about The Passion Index. We have a journal, and we're writing down an emotion that is intense, positive or negative. What else?
Aymee Coget: Well we're not only logging the emotions, but we're logging the people, places and ideas that bring that emotion up for us. And so the idea is to not only log the emotions but to start understanding what types of creations are going in at your enviroment according to people, places, and ideas of what fosters the passion for you.
For instance,I feel passionate when there's candles lit, and there is intension being present in the bedroom. And there is...umm..water available.(laughs)And that helps me feel passionate. But if the mood's not set. Then it's hard-I know I'm not going to get to that passion.
Alissa Kriteman:Alright,so taking an inventory, knowing what takes-I'm sure there's things beyond water and candles.(laughs) You're just being- you're just playing "lite". I can tell Ms. happiness-expert. There's a lot more going on
Umm..Okay. So we're talking about communicating these desires, setting up the atmosphere and mostly we're talking about maintaining happiness throughout our lives. Mainly in the bedroom.
So, what happens if we hit a place where- where we're not both on the same page. Our lover and ourselves are at a little bit at an impass. How do you maintain happiness at a little bit of a break in what each of us wants?
Aymee Coget:Well remember that happiness is your own responsilbility. And so because this other person doesn't want what you want, does not mean that you can't be happy. It just means that either you have to communicate and comprimise or -you know- NEXT!
Alissa Kriteman:That- that cut-n-dry ?
Aymee Coget: Well its about really comprimising and finding the happy medium. And seeing if its a non-negotable or if it's going to be fine.
Alissa Kriteman:Okay so basically, we must take responsibility for out own happiness and going for what we want, really. I mean creating a situation where we can really have a partner who is open to what we want.
Now, tell me a little bit more about The Passion Index. Is there anything else we need to know?
Aymee Coget:Just use it. You know, it is hard to create passion, if you don't know what makes you passionate. And so to really spend some time devoted toward understanding what we're passionate about as individuals, as women. And then really communicating that to our partners is essential to having a passionate relationship.
Alissa Kriteman:You know, it's interesting. I've heard this over and over again. The same words. How important it is for us to know what we want and communicate what we want.
So the tools you're using are the assessment for the strengths and now The Passion Index. So, those are your main tools for understanding.
So to recap the Passion Index, We're basically taking an inventory of the people places and ideas that bring up intense emotion whether positive or negative: positive-tending to lead us towards where we want to go and negative to let us know 'Hey, this is a boundary, this isn't what I want.” So then we need to be able to have the confidence to communicate those, to ourselves and to out partners and be able to compromise within those boundaries. This is the perfect segway into a phrase you we're telling me about. Very, very interesting. The gap between dating and partnership. The whole wide open field, that you call "Lovership". Talk to me about "Lovership" Aymee.
Aymee Coget: I love "Lovership". "Lovership" is based on passion, romance,excitement,giving, receiving, loving and exploring sexuality with each other. I- I found that afterwards -you know- we'd go out to dinner with someone for a few times and we're like "Oh. I'm really jiving with this person. I really like this person, I'm really to go into the next level with this person in the bedroom." And so, the "Lovership" really allows for exploration and communication without judgment and without commitment, necessarily. Some "Loverships" are exclusive and some "Loverships" are non-exclusive. But it really offers space and time for us to cultivate passion and for us to cultivate communication in the bedroom. And to cultivate trust and all of that, before we actually move into a relationship or partnership.
Alissa Kriteman:Gotcha, so we've gone on a few dates. We realise "Wow! This is someone I want to spend more time with. I would like to be more intimate with him. Maybe move into a sexual relationship and clearly, we're not ready for a relationship. So "Lovership" has a new whole new set of rules. Maybe not rules but guidelines. What are the foundations or cornerstones of "Lovership"?
Aymee Coget:I think it's really important to talk about values at this point, and talk about what are the values of "Lovership".
For me, I find that the values in "Lovership" are passion, giving and recieving, spirituality, understanding each other’s bodies, seduction, romance. And it really allows for that to grow between two people. And if that person- lets say you enter into a relationship and that person is not compatiable for one reason or another, then that tells you maybe it's not the time to move forward with person.
Alissa Kriteman: This is great, this is why I love, love ,love this whole concept. Because I think it would save, not only women but men, a lot of grief in knowing what's going on within two people relating. And you really get to say "Hey, this is what I want." And again this goes back to The Passion Index. And you have to know what the heck you want. Where are you at in your life? What do you want to create? Okay so, how about we have a value conversation?
Aymee Coget:Well first I want to say that I've heard endless complaints about the lack of romance, the lack of seduction, the lack of passion and by creating a "Lovership" with someone that allows you to really give an oppurtunity for each to say "This is what I think romance is. This is what I think seduction is. This is what works for me. This is what makes me excited. This is how I orgasm.".
Alissa Kriteman:Great! So basically what you're saying is each person gets to define the guidelines. Awesome stuff.
We're going to take a short break. Just to support our sponsors. This is Alissa Kriteman, your host for Just For Women: Dating, Relationships, And Sex. I'm with AYmee Coget-happiness expert extraordinaire. And we'll be right back.
( 1 minute commercial break)
Alissa Kriteman: Welcome back. I'm Alissa Kriteman, your host of Just For Women: Dating, Relationships, and Sex. We're having a very interesting conversation with Aymee Coget-happiness expert. And we've been talking about a new phrase on the scene called "Lovership". A very distinct kind of way to relate. It's in between dating and partnership. And we're going to talk a little bit about the cornerstones of what "Lovership" is.
Aymee, we talked about The Passion Index, about what we want, what we're passionate about, and what we do with those emotions when they come up. Lets talk now about the second cornerstone of "Lovership".Which is romance.
Aymee Coget: Right. Romance. Where would we be without it?
Alissa Kriteman: And I think, if I can interject, many times romance gets lost in a partnership. A there’s a lot of people having sexless, boring, complaining marriages because the “Lovership” wasn’t even considered. They weren’t talking about what they wanted before they entered into a partnership. Whether it was consciously- mostly unconsciously. So, how can we get the romance back?
Aymee Coget:Well The Passion Index is a great place to start. And since we now know what we’re passionate about, romance can really facilitate that for us. So if I am really passionate about chocolate-covered strawberries, but then I never, ever ever receive chocolate-covered strawberries from my lover, I’m going to be disappointed. So then, my lover needs to know that I LOVE chocolate-covered strawberries. And so, they’re more likely to bring them home for me at night. That’s what romance means in the bedroom.
Alissa Kriteman: It’s almost as though you could give your passion journal to your lover. There, they could explore what is romantic for you. You know it’s giving- that concept of giving a man information that he needs to please you. You know it really eradicates the complaining. Give him quality information so you can get what you want. First you have to know what it is you want. Okay, great. Lets move to Honesty and Communication Structures as step three for the cornerstone for “Lovership”.
Aymee Coget: Honesty and communication are essential in any type of relationship. And so often we’re not in touch with our honesty or not in touch with our authenticity. And so it’s hard to communicate those things. But really feeling confident enough in our honesty to be able have these difficult types of communications. But honestly in “Lovership” it’s not difficult because it’s acceptable , and that’s what the whole basis of “Lovership” is. And so if you feel confident in what you’re passionate of, because you just journaled about for however long, then it’s Okay to be honest about it.
Alissa Kriteman: Right, and so the journal gives us access to that. But also, it just amazes me that people, myself included, would want to create a kind of unconscious partnership with someone. Even though our deep needs have been overlooked . You know what I’m saying? And I think it’s just the conditioning that we’ve sort of been.. brought up with, to twist ourselves up into a pretzel, to please this person and get his acceptance approval instead of really knowing what is going to please us and stand for that.
Aymee Coget: Absolutely. Since the beginning of time women were taught to focus on others needs; and so now that we're focusing more on our own needs, because we rely -our mothers, our grandmothers are realizing that we have to focus on ourselves so we are 100% . And when we are 100%, that's when we can really serve others. So they can be 100%, too.
Alissa Kriteman: Okay, great, Let’s move on to the fourth cornerstone, which is Sexual Desire and Seduction. And again, I’m just thinking, that addressing these topics soon after dating, as you’re getting into a more intimate relationship, it’s vital to talk about what your sexual desires are. How do you approach that?
Aymee Coget: Openly and honestly.
Alissa Kriteman: Step, see step four.
Aymeee Coget: Creating a “Lovership” with someone opens the doors to really talk about these tough topics. And so these tough topics of Romance, Passion, and Seduction, are the like, what you say, cornerstones of a passionate “Lovership”. And since I know I am about to create a “Lovership” with someone, I want to know how they liked to be loved. And I want them to know how I like to be loved.
Alissa Kriteman: I like that. And really, being confidant enough to ask for what you want in a way that you want to be loved. And Seduction?
Aymee Coget: I just get such a smile on my face when I think about Seduction, because there is such an interplay between two people when Seduction is at work. And we don’t necessarily have a lot of it in the workplace, or in our family. Like, this is really like a long, lost, medieval type of relationship, and if we can think about a time when for us to be seduced. Lets say, we were at a wedding, and we met a stranger who is tall, dark and handsome, and we can tell that that tall, dark and handsome stranger was kind of giving us that special look from across the room. And then that tall, dark and handsome stranger comes a little closer. Then our heart starts beating a little faster and we feel the prowess, we can feel the seduction, but that is exciting. And then when that tall, dark and handsome man ask us to go for a dance, that’s icing on the cake, right? Because these particular experiences in life are so few and far between, to build that into a “Lovership” of “Oh, on Friday night I know I’m going to get seduced. “ or “ Friday night I know I’m going to be the seducer/seductress when my man comes home and he doesn’t know that I’m going to be in my red, silk nightie. “ . It just builds in another dynamic that could potentially be lost in the partnership later on.
Alissa Kriteman: Exactly. That’s what I was thinking, you know. And people who are wanting to add more passion and romance to their relationships can look at these cornerstones of “Lovership” and look up and say “ Yeah, that’s right!, I’ve lost touch with my sexual desire. I’ve lost touch with seducing my man. “ and really start to place those things back, And if maybe they’re at a loss for what actually turns them on, go back to The Passion Index. So I can see where this is a valuable tool.
Okay, lets talk about the fifth cornerstone, which is Spirituality, and Giving and Receiving.
Aymee Coget: Giving and Receiving is so important because wonder if we are always giving and never receiving, or wonder if we are always receiving and never giving. And so it’s really great to have a conversation with our lover about equanimity here. And when we’re involved in our “Lovership”, how much do I want to be giving? And How much do I want to be receiving?. And this is connected to spirituality because Spirituality in and of itself is about fueling and refueling, and always getting “higher and higher” so to speak. So but- we are in a sexual relationship, we are receiving that energy from someone or giving that energy to someone. We can’t have healthy sexual functioning with someone where neither are giving or receiving.
Alissa Kriteman: So the two are tied together? That makes sense. So, what other perimeters or guidelines do we need to be aware about as we are creating a “ Lovership “ . Since this is a such a new concept. We can use these cornerstones to sort of check us in and say “ Okay, what are the facets that I want to cover in this? “ . But what are some the things we need to address?
Aymee Coget: I think that having the conversation about “ Where is this “ Lovership “ going? . Lets say the “ Lovership “ is GREAT! Then what? Does your partnership look like my partnership? Or does it not? And even if it doesn’t, you can even forego the “ Lovership ”because you know it’s not going to lead into the partnership. Basically it’s all about being on the same page and having the same values and understanding each other.
Alissa Kriteman: So it’s about setting or laying down the tracks in the beginning about “Where is the relationship going? “ . And those tough questions I would think, “ Do you want children?, Do you want to be married? “ . And I know a lot of what I’m learning, through the interviews that I’m doing is that it’s really okay to ask someone, in the upfront, what they truly want, “ What are getting on board here for? “ and “ Where are we going? “ . And that it’s okay , and I mean if the person runs away.. perfect. Then we’ve weeded out, we’ve sorted out who not to be with, and it’s very empowering.
Aymee Coget: Absolutely. I’ve had relationships where I’ve created guidelines, and I’ve had partnerships where I don’t create guidelines. And it is so much more powerful in relating to each other knowing “ Oh, this is what I need to be my perfect self and this is what you need in order for you to be your perfect self. How can we really help each other be that perfect self, so we can be the perfect couple? “ .
Alissa Kriteman: Tell me some exercises that we can do inside of this “ Lovership “ that’ll help us maintain happiness all the time?
Aymeee Coget: The continued romance, the continued seduction, the continued choice of being happy and not putting the responsibility into the other persons hands. Also, to talk about boundaries and non-negotiables. One gigantic thing is to be able to walk away if your desires are not met. And also, create a structure around yourself of supportive sisters, or supportive friends, or family members, or a therapist, or a happiness-coach to really help support you. Because this is a gigantic generational shift and we need each other’s support.
Alissa Kriteman: I love it, I love it, I love it.
We are going to take one more commercial break to honor our sponsors. We will be right back. This is Alissa Kriteman, your host of Just For Women: Relationships, Dating, and Sex. I’m with Aymee Coget-happiness expert, we’ll be right back.
(1 minute commercial break)
Alissa Kriteman: Welcome back from the break. This is Alissa Kriteman, your host of Just For Women: Dating, Relationships, and Sex. I’m here with Aymee Coget-happiness and dating expert. And we’re talking about a new generational shift, new terms that are coming out, new concepts that are being created. And we were just talking about “ Lovership “. Now we’re going to talk about how Aymee helps people maintain happiness during intense situations in their lives. Mainly, a break-up or divorce. So Aymee, tell me a little bit about how you began to come up with this break-up formula and it can provide us with sustainable happiness in our lives.
Aymee Coget: The break-up formula came about because so many of my clients come to me when they’re breaking up. (laughs)
Alissa Kriteman: Go figure.
Aymee Coget: So, the break-up formula is a very easy five-step process. And the five-step process starts with- well first of all, you can not enter into the break-up formula until you are breaking up. Until it is for sure that yes, you are breaking up. That is when you need to say “ Okay, I need to grab The Break-Up Formula from the shelf. “ And the first step is, to acknowledge the Break-Up.
Alissa Kriteman: Alright, lets clarify because many people are like “ Oh, Susie and Joe broke up again.” And so you’re saying, when Susie’s really ready to cut the cord from Joe.
Aymee Coget: Correct. And she is ready to step up to the plate, and not go back. So that is acknowledging the break-up, saying, “Yes, this is final, this is happening, it’s true, I’m no longer questioning it, and I’m ready to move into step two.” Which is accepting the Break-up. This is really coming to terms that “Yes, not only are we breaking up, but it’s a good thing. And I’m accepting that I’m ready to move forward”.
The third step is to Identify Learning Lessons. Because every single person is brought together to teach us something; that we learn something about ourselves as individuals, or ourselves in relationships. And we are a different person after we’ve had a relationship with that person. So the idea is to identify the learning lessons of what makes us a better person about ourselves in a relationship from that individual.
The fourth step is to- and back to that step- I’d like to consider like actually a living list, you’re actually writing down what it is that you learned from this person. And a lot of times it comes in reflection, it’s not all going to come to you within five minutes so you have to make the living list. It will come to you here, it will come to you there, whenever. So really just allow that living list to unfold. When you really feel likes it’s complete, then you can move into the next step, which is to Be Grateful for those learning lessons and to express gratitude. Whether you write a letter to your former partner and burn it, you write a letter and e-mail it, or you meet on good terms and you go out to dinner with them and express gratitude, you know, you express gratitude for those learning lessons. Thus it is important to come into gratitude after the break-up.
The fifth and final step is the Letting Go Exercise. This exercise, is a physical exercise. We’re out of our heads now, into our bodies and we are really ready to let go of the situation. And so I encourage my clients to go into a room by themselves and cultivate all of the pain, all of the anger, all of the suffering, all of the disappointment, all of the hurt-to the surface of their skin. So the point where they are ready, about to explode all these quote-unquote “negative emotions”. So that’s when you take a deep breath, (Inhales loudly…..exhales loudly) and you raise your hands to the sides of your head, on either side and you press down-like a French coffee press as you are exhaling. So as you are exhaling, your hands are moving down your body slowly all the way into the ground. So, it’s a psycho-sematic response where our body really lets go of those quote-unquote “negative emotions”. And it actually works. And you actually feel different. The Letting GO Exercise, as a footnote, is a good effect for anything, anytime. Lets say you get into a fight with a customer service representative and and maybe you had an unpleasant conversation with your mother that day. Do the notes, but you can always do the Letting Go Exercise, it’s essential in the break-up formula. Because if we never let go of the person we are in a relationship with, it doesn’t give us space for a new person to come in.
Alissa Kriteman: So what you’re not saying in that is, No post-relationship kind of sex or connection . Like that Letting Go Exercise is really a powerful way to pull the cords. And I know sometimes, some of us can slip back into that connection because it feels so good or whatever. But you’re saying- what would you recommend after the letting go exercise where we gather up all those thoughts and French press them down. I like that analogy, it’s really cool. What if we have desire to reconnect with person, and yet we know it’s not good for us.
Aymee Coget: Don’t go with the desire. You know, stay in faith with your break-up formula. Stay in faith with the reason why you broke up , it’s a good thing. And so put that energy toward finding someone new.
Alissa Kriteman: It also sounds as though we can apply this Letting Go formula to other certain situations like divorce, as we’ve said. And maybe a death or some sort of loss, where as the visualization of it is giving us this powerful, new freedom to move on.
Aymee Coget: Absolutely. And we can really exchange the words break-up and divorce without any problem at all. So it can be a divorce formula, or it can be a break-up formula. And the Letting Go Exercise is a part of the break-up formula/divorce formula but it’s also good for other things like what you just mentioned.
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah it’s interesting, you know, you mentioned quickly in “Lovership” about sisterhood, and the importance of having our sisters, friends around us as a supportive person. So I can see where sharing this formula would be very important as a way to support each other and continually moving on from things that no longer serve us.
Aymee Coget: Absolutely. And no person is an island. And so if we are going to break-up, pick some boundaries. And if we are going to coin new terms like “ Lovership “, and if we’re going to have conversations that we’ve never had before in the history of women, then we need support. We need to talk about it. There was a study at UCLA that said, “When women get together, they reduce stress.” And so, the idea is that, in our lives we are always the nurturer, and so when we actually get nurtured by other women it fuels us to go back out there, and feel in our authenticity and our communications.
Alissa Kriteman: Yes, you know you’ve talked twice now about the changes that are happening-sort of planetary, evolutionary. Which is why the advent of “ Lovership “ exists now. Can you tell me a little bit more about maybe some researching you’ve done or insights you have. What is going on with women? How are we changing? How are we becoming more empowered?
Aymee Coget: In Generation X, they’re looking at the former generations about “ Wow, there’s a 51% divorce rate. Wow, something isn’t working. “ And also women are working. We’re the first generation that really is expected to work. And my mother didn’t work until my parents created their own business. And my grandmother didn’t work, and her mother didn’t work. So where in Generation X it really is, we’re having to deal with new expectations in society. And so longer are we just the mother, we’re the mother, we’re the leader, we’re the sister, we’re the everything. And we’re also coming to terms with our empowerment. And knowing that if we don’t communicate what is important to us, then we can’t – you know, what can we expect? If we can’t communicate anything, then nothing is going to change.
Alissa Kriteman: Right, right. Which is where the roots of “Lovership” probably came from. Because we are doing so many things now. Maybe moving on into our masculine- you know, linear kind of structure “Gotta do it, gotta make the money, have the kids. “ You know, men managing all these things, has a tendency to lose that beauty and relaxation and romance and “Oh yeah, I actually like to have a foot rub. And Lavender is the oil I choose.” So I can see how “Lovership” and these formulas really help us get back in touch with who we really are, then go with what doesn’t really serve us. You’ve really created some amazing tools for women to maintain happiness and empowerment over time.
Aymee Coget: Absolutely and when we’re not happy in our relationship, or we’re not happy in our sex life, or we’re not happy in our marriage, really take a look at yourself, and really take a look and say “Oh, I’m not doing this for me. Oh. I need to do that for me. And I’m not communicating this. And the reason why my husband isn’t passionate in the bedroom is because I haven’t told him what makes me passionate.”
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, yeah. I hear ya. Alright. We’re going to take one more break. And when we get come back, we’re going to do a little Mad Libs with Aymee and have her fill in some quick answers to some interesting questions. I’m
Alissa Kriteman, your host of Just For Women: Dating, Relationships, and Sex. And listeners, I’d like to let you know that you can e-mail me at [email protected] . And feel to call into the show, ask questions. Offer ideas, I want to hear from you. So, come on to the Personal Life Media, click on Just For Women, and let me know what you want to hear about.
To reach Aymee Coget, her website is makemehappytv.com, you can also e-mail her at [email protected]
Okay, so you have to tell me what’s going on with these? Make Me Happy TV, lets start there. What is that?
Aymee Coget: Alissa, I have a spiritual calling to help millions of people live happier lives. And I have been working really hard to try to get this message on the television. And so I’ve been in conversations with producers and agents over the last couple of years. And by 2008, maybe we’ll see a happiness make-over show. So, I had the website called Make Me Happy TV, if you can imagine yourself sitting in front of the TV saying, “Make me happy TV!”. And add a .com.
Alissa Kriteman: Nice. Okay, and the Happy Zone?
Aymee Coget: The Happy Zone we’re segments I produced on a show called the Happiness Show. And during the segments I was a reporter on location with happy people. And I kept it even though I stopped producing the segments because I have obtained an unlimited amount of happiness that is totally sustainable. So I like the idea that Aymee is in the Happy Zone.
Alissa Kriteman: Nice. You are too funny. This is great stuff. I love it, I love it, I love it.
Okay, we’ll be right back. My name is Alissa Kriteman, your host of Just For Women: Dating, Relationships, And Sex. I’m with Aymee Coget-relationship and happiness expert and we’ll be right back.
Alissa Kriteman: Aymee, we’re kind of wrapping up here. Umm, this conversation has been amazing I really see how you are a pioneer in paving the way for new consciousness, new concepts, new ideas, new exercises for women to maintain happiness over time, especially in their dating and intimate relationships . I just want to thank you for the work that you’re doing.
Listeners, for text and transcripts of the show, and other shows on the Personal Life Media network, please visit our website at Personallifemedia.com
Aymee, I just want to do a couple of quick questions with you. Right off the top of your head-one word answers. Here we go. You ready?
The root of sustainable happiness is……..
Aymee Coget: Gratitude and kindness.
Alissa Kriteman: First thing to do during a break-up?
Aymee Coget: Take responsibility for your happiness.
Alissa Kriteman: One thing that’s missing from societies current approach to happiness is?
Aymee Coget: The role of nutrition.
Alissa Kriteman: Oooo, interesting. I have to hear. I have to hear a little bit more about that. Come on, tell me.
Aymee Coget: It turns out that we’re eating nutritionally bankrupt food. And the food that is served to us in restaurants is sub-par. And the food that is in the grocery store is also sub-par. And I have to say that if we are not going to be putting the proper things in our body, then our brain is not going to be able to make the seratonin we need in order for us to be happy. And thank you so much to Dr. John Grey, who’s the author of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”, because he has done worldwide research in finding out what it is that gives our brain the nutrients it requires in order to make Seratonin. And that particular program is with isogenics. And I’m happy to talk to anymore about how they can ultilize this particular program to increase their Seratonin instead of using traditional methods like anti-depressants.
Alissa Kriteman: I love , love , love that you brought that up because I am umm. Inviting Dr. John Grey onto the show. He’s already said yes, and we’re going to explore this topic in great inter-depth because women are twice as suseptable as men to depression. And I want to know what is at the heart of this, and it sounds like nutrition, Seratonin levels are really at the heart of what’s going on here. So, thank you for saying that.And listeners stayed to tuned to that interview with Dr. John Grey.
Aymee Coget, happiness-expert, thank you so much for being on my show. I deeply, deeply appreciate you, the work that you’re doing and your time today. Thank you so much.
Aymee Coget: Alissa, this has really been a pleasure. Thank you so much and your listeners are so blessed to have such an amazeing women like you bring forth this information. Thank you very much.Alissa Kriteman: (laughs) Thank you. I’m your host, Alissa Kriteman. Always expanding your choices here on Just For Women: Dating, Relationships, ans Sex. We’ll see you next time.