Episode 10: “Revealing the Hidden Powers of Women” with Kristine Catalina, Relationship Expert and Humorist
Alissa Interviews Relationship Expert (and Humorist!) about “Revealing the Hidden Powers of Women”
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Alissa Kriteman: Welcome to Just for Women: Dating, Relationships, and Sex. I’m your host, Alissa Kriteman. This show is dedicated to bringing you the most insightful and useful information available today. I’m committed to helping you achieve all your love, sex, intimacy, romance, and relationship goals.
Kristine Catalina: Anything that a woman wants, small, big, large, whatever. And I don’t mean just things. I mean experiences. The things that we want are really important. Why? Because they make us happy! And if we’re happy, that is a godsend to any man on the planet.
It’s your movie. You’re the director, you’re the producer, you’re the casting director, you’re creating it all. I call it the Oreo cookie, because in an Oreo cookie, there’s three parts to the cookie. What we like is the icing in the middle. That’s the goodie. That’s the thing that we want.
But you’ve got two pieces, the top and the bottom, on either side of what it is that you want.
Can I be focused in my body and scan in my body? And it would just be amazing. I would be so present, and I would experience my body disappearing and just being one with energy, with all the good, the love, the joy that we are.
Alissa Kriteman: Wow!
Alissa Kriteman: Today I’m very excited to have a dear friend of mine, Kristine Catalina, who is a relationship expert and humorist. She brings to us her deep wealth of knowledge and lifelong commitment to helping women get what they want in all areas of their lives.
In this show we will discuss the current landscape of man-woman dynamics, keys to emotional sobriety and the importance of feeling our feelings, practical tips to know and use while dating, and how to be truly effective with all the men in your life.
Listeners, today you’re going to learn about how our emotions are important keys to understanding and healing ourselves, your power as a woman to run the show on a date and have both of you have a great time, and what causes a man to want to provide for you.
So I want to welcome Kristine Catalina. Thank you so much for being on the show today!
Kristine Catalina: Well, thank you for having me. [laughs]
Alissa Kriteman: For those of you who don’t know Kristine Catalina, she has worked side by side with several leaders of the human potential movement of the 70s and 80s. She is the author of Man-Woman Relationships Made Easy, a book every woman needs to have by her bed stand.
She has hosted her own radio talk show called “Man-Woman: the Master Game.” She is a writer and keynote speaker for numerous events and organizations throughout the country on the dynamics of men and women.
And I just want to say personally, Kristine has been such a joy and an influence in my life, in helping me stay on track with my own personal love of myself, empowering me. She’s a fantastic coach. Her book is amazing. I’m so glad to have you on the show today, Kristine. Thank you.
Kristine Catalina: Oh, thank you.
Alissa Kriteman: First I want to just talk a little bit about what is a relationship humorist? What is that?
Kristine Catalina: Well, it’s funny. I got that name. Somebody had asked me at one point, did I have any initials behind my name. You know, like Ph.D. or anything like that.
I said, no, the only initials I might put behind my name are F.U.N., because I am all about fun. So my publisher actually was the one who said, well, you’re like a relationship humorist.
And I really am, because I’m making fun. I’m making light and fun and finding the comical aspects of a subject that we take so seriously. Everybody’s really heavy into suffering and losing and all different kinds of things around their relationships.
So I bring light and awareness and a playfulness to the whole conversation, which seems to allow people to just access new ways of being in regard to the man-woman dynamic, that gives them a lot more freedom.
Alissa Kriteman: Nice.
Kristine Catalina: Freedom and peace and joy and all that good stuff.
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, I do think that’s important. There’s this entire industry built around men and women understanding each other, and really the focal point of the show. So many women want to understand how to be more effective with men.
So what would you say are some of the top ways that women can be more effective with men?
Kristine Catalina: That is such a great question. Well, I think the thing that I have found over the years, and I have been immersed in this conversation now for about 22 years. That women just have never been taught how much they really run the show. How much they steer relationships. How much that the ball is in their court.
So if a woman wants to be a fun, attractive woman, those kinds of women are women who really get how much they steer, how much they run everything. How much they are in charge of what direction the relationship goes, whether it’s into the ground or into ecstasy. Women are the ones who steer.
The ones who are the most fun are the ones that own that. To men, they love women who know that they steer and that they run the show. To them, to a guy, that is safe. Because he knows that at any time, the woman is not going to end up being victimized by the guy, when she owns that.
So it’s very, hugely powerful for her to know. Yes, ladies, men are just over there, and they’re willing. They would really like to know what on earth they can do to make you happy, but they just don’t happen to be mind readers.
So you’re going to have to speak up in a nice way, in order to get their attention, to have your needs met. Because everybody’s heard of, if mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.
So it’s really about women owning that they run the show.
Alissa Kriteman: Got it. So when you say steer, it’s almost like the car analogy. You get in the car and you start it up. It’s like, OK, I know where I want to go. Here is where I want to go. So what you’re saying in steering is that women need to know what they want, and not be afraid to ask for it.
Kristine Catalina: Absolutely. Absolutely. That’s such a great thing, that it’s on women to ask for what they want. Because who women are is desire. We are these creatures who want. We want this. We want that. We want it all. And we want it now, usually, you know?
So if we want all these things, and then don’t know what we want, then we have to figure out ways to ask.
But it’s interesting. When I ran into this conversation years ago, it was very difficult for me to even figure out what it was that I wanted. Because I hadn’t been brought up in a world that was really listening and really paying attention to what women want.
It’s not been like, OK, let’s hear from the women on the planet. If we can figure out what they want, it will be a better world.
No. That’s not how it’s been. Yet it’s moving a lot more in that direction, that women are being listened to. But angry women, women who are angry, are not going to be heard.
Because it’s really nobody’s fault that it turned out this way. It’s nobody’s fault that the world didn’t know that it’s really important to listen to what women want.
Because women are the nurturers and the caregivers, and we want to bring everything together to make life a better place. So that is the nature and the essence of who women are.
So anything that a woman wants, small, big, large, whatever. And I don’t just mean just things. I mean experiences. The things that we want are really important. Why? Because they make us happy. And if we’re happy, that is a godsend to any man on the planet. To the whole world. Happy women are the greatest blessing on the planet.
Unhappy women are just, no. It’s a very heavy duty thing. I mean, really. Look at the places and look at the Third World countries. Where the women are most oppressed is where there is the most stress. Because women are not being heard there. They’re not being acknowledged and appreciated and honored for who they are.
And we want to bring the world together. It’s our nature. We are connected to Mother Earth, and so we really want to have that for the world.
But we’ve been frightening for men to listen to, because we’ve been kind of angry about the fact that we haven’t been heard. Men don’t listen to anger. They go away from anger, from angry women.
Alissa Kriteman: So it sounds like the tide is changing for sure, which is why I love having experts like you on my show.
So we need to figure out, when we’re steering, we need to figure out ways to ask for what we want. But before that, you made a great point, we have to figure out what we want.
What are some ways that you utilize that you could recommend to women to help them really get in touch with what they really want?
Kristine Catalina: Well, they can, it’s like you can go out one day, and just imagine that you could buy anything that you wanted. We’re talking about say, buying things now, or things that cost money, for one thing. And that’s not the only deal, because like I said earlier, a lot of the things that we want are experiences that don’t cost any money.
But let’s look at just the world of wanting things that you can buy in a store. You can go out. It’s kind of like eating the menu. You can just go out and, oh, God, I want that, and just feel yourself, allow yourself, to have whatever it is that you want. All day long.
And just pretend that at the end of the day, someone has been following you around, and they are writing down all the things that you want, and it’s all going to be delivered to your house. Just open yourself up, and notice how good it feels when you let your desire out.
Instead of, we squelch our desire and our wants so much, because of money and we can’t have it because that would be too much. We can’t afford it, we’re not doing this, we’re not doing that.
So we’re saying a big no to the very essence of who we are, instead of trusting that if you really want something, there are ways to have it. When you really want something, and you get your energy behind it and you get your passion behind it, it’s amazing how many women, if you look back. How many people, when they really want something, and they add their energy and their juice behind it, it manifests somehow.
A lot of things don’t have to manifest because of the amount of money that you have in your account or not. Things just show up in the universe when you really want them. But you have to believe and you have to trust.
Alissa Kriteman: Wow. [laughs] So really letting ourselves feel our desire, and trusting that even though we may not necessarily have it in the moment, that it is coming.
Kristine Catalina: Yes.
Alissa Kriteman: That it’s OK to feel our feelings and feel what it is to desire.
Kristine Catalina: Yeah. It’s like having the experience that you already have it. If you can have that experience first, and you live like it’s yours, then it can show up. Energetically, it’s now a match for your vibration. So it can show up in a way that it couldn’t before, if you were judging and evaluating all the different reasons why you don’t deserve it or you can’t have it or that’s just too much.
Or not this month. Or maybe sometime. Maybe another lifetime. Or maybe when you meet the whatever, wealthy guy. But you could never. All that noise that goes on.
Women don’t realize that, hey, it’s your movie. It’s your movie. You’re the director. You’re the producer. You’re the casting director. You’re creating it all. So what are the thoughts that you’re having that are allowing you to have more in your life?
But one thing about that, though. The way to have more in your life is to make sure that what you have now, you appreciate. You have to be in gratitude for how good it is right now if you want to have more in your life.
If you’re coming from, it’s not enough. It’s not enough. It’s not enough. Then you’re going to create more lack in your life.
Alissa Kriteman: I love it. That’s actually one of the cornerstones in my book for living the life of your dreams, is to have that gratitude. So I very much adhere to that belief as well. We cannot attract more into our lives until we really—regardless of where we are, in a marriage that might not be working, or being single. It’s being the happy single person. Being the woman who is going to turn her marriage around.
It’s like regardless of what it is, there are tons of things to be grateful for.
Kristine Catalina: Absolutely. In every moment. But we are addicted to looking for what’s not working. I mean, we live in this pain-oriented society. So everywhere you look, every time you turn the news on, in the newspapers, everything, all you see is the bad. All you hear about is what’s not working.
So it’s just everywhere around us, and we relate to that so effortlessly, it’s almost like we resist pleasure. We resist that it’s good now. We resist looking around and enjoying the moment. We bring our past into the now. We worry about the future and bring it into the now. We trash our now, and then we wonder why we don’t like our life.
Alissa Kriteman: Right. OK, great. So here we are. We’re steering. We’re empowered. We know that we’re at the helm of where our relationship is going. We’ve been practicing desiring what we want, even if we don’t have the money to go necessarily buy it right now. We’re just letting ourselves feel what it feels like to want and have and desire.
So now, let’s talk about ways that we can ask for what we want. Because I know that’s a place where a lot of women get stuck. So what’s an example or what’s an exercise that we can do to practice asking for what we want, even if it’s not with men right now. Even if that’s a little bit too intense. Maybe with our sisters or family or friends.
But I think that’s an important muscle to practice. What do you have to say about that?
Kristine Catalina: That’s very good. You said that it’s a muscle. It is very much like a muscle. And it’s a muscle. There’s this three-part step, and it works for everyone, whether it’s a man or a woman. I call it the Oreo cookie.
Because with an Oreo cookie, there’s three parts to the cookie, and what we like is the icing in the middle. So that’s the goodie. That’s the thing that we want.
But you’ve got two pieces, the top and the bottom, on either side of what it is that you want. So in order to ask somebody for something that you want, what’s really important is to get their attention in an attractive way. Get their attention so that you’ve got their attention, so they’re like, wow. They feel good, and they’re now all ears to you.
So what you do in that case, is you just find something about them that you like. Something that you appreciate about who they are, something that they’ve done that you notice that you think is great. You tell them that. You just acknowledge them.
So you wanted somebody to make a call, make some call for you. You’re in business, and you’ve got this one particular client that you think a guy would be better at calling than, say, you. Say it’s George, and you want George to make this call.
So you just don’t want to go up to George and say, hey, George, would you call Harry? Because I think you’d be better on the phone. Well, you haven’t really set George up to be open and really be in a place where he can really actually choose to call Harry.
So you tell George. You need to say, George, you know, I’ve been listening to you make calls and talk to your clients. I just have to tell you, you are just so awesome on the phone with people, because you’re just so present. I really feel like you really listen to people. I think you just totally serve people. No matter what they choose to do, you are just really, really there for them. I just want you to know I really appreciate that.
So now George is feeling like, wow. Thank you. Because nobody really—people want to know that they matter, that they make a difference. So first of all, you say something that has somebody feel like they matter and they make a difference.
So now George is feeling really good. And then you can ask George—this is the icing. So, second part. So you go, you know, George, I’ve got this one particular client that I think you would just be so perfect for. His name is Harry, and I just get that you would be the right guy to talk to him. Would you be willing to give him a call? I just think it would be so great if you did. I think you two would really connect.
And George is like, well, sure. I’d be happy to do that. Because he already feels like he’s made a difference with you. So he’s way more willing. It doesn’t feel like a demand. It feels like an attractive request, or an attractive offer. So then when he says yes, then you do the third part, and the third part is where you go, you know, that would be so great. I really appreciate that. You’re the man. Thank you, George. OK, awesome. Let me know if I can do something for you.
Boom. It’s complete. So you find something right that you like about the person. You ask them for what it is that you want. Then the third part is, you acknowledge him for any movement he’s making in the direction of what it is that you want.
Alissa Kriteman: What if he says no?
Kristine Catalina: Well, if he says no, that’s good. That’s OK. Because you always have to have room for a no. And you have to remember, he’s not saying no to you. He’s just saying no to the offer, to the request.
Alissa Kriteman: Oh, that’s important.
Kristine Catalina: You just say, OK. Well, thanks for being the kind of guy I could ask to make the request of. I got it. No problem. Talk to you later. And then you go find somebody else to go ask. He’s not wrong.
Alissa Kriteman: It’s almost along the lines of the Buddhist non-attachment. It speaks to a woman who’s really empowered.
Kristine Catalina: Very good. Because if there’s an attachment, it shows up like a demand. If you’re attached, it shows up like a demand.
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah. I think we, as women, we hone in. OK, I need to have this thing done. Who’s going to do it for me? We can tend to get into a very focused, I need to get this done. I’m going to have this person do it.
But what you’re saying is, open up a little bit more to the resources around you. Don’t be attached to any one person providing this thing for you.
Kristine Catalina: Right.
Alissa Kriteman: Another thing I think, in the first step about asking in an attractive way, you really have to be authentic.
Kristine Catalina: Absolutely.
Alissa Kriteman: You can’t blow smoke all over George, because I would think a man would feel if you are just trying to play him or get him to do something.
Kristine Catalina: Well, you want to be playful. You want to be fun. You want to be delightful and just sweet in your request. Because you just want to be that way anyhow in life, period.
It just makes life more—nothing is that serious. Nothing is that important that you have to lose a relationship, disconnect with somebody, because it’s something that you want. Nothing is that important. What’s more important is your relationships and your connections with people.
Alissa Kriteman: Right.
Kristine Catalina: Than anything you need done. So you do want to be real and you do want to be authentic, but if he’s a no, well, that must be perfect somehow. How do we know? Well, because he is a no, and it is all perfect how it is all turning out. There is no right or wrong, good or bad. There is just what’s happening. Every time.
It’s a no because, because guess what? Something better is coming along. Or someone better to do it is going to show up.
Alissa Kriteman: I love that perspective. There’s something better coming along. The no is fine. We don’t need to be attached to any one particular person or man fulfilling something for us, and really understanding our own power to attract and create whatever it is we want, from that feminine place.
Kristine Catalina: Yes. Because with all the men, you’re in the dating world and you’re out there meeting all of these new men, they may not be the right man for you. But they’re there, everybody is there for, you’ve heard the expression, everybody is there for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
So there’s some reason. And the reason could be just such that he shows you more of the contrast of what it is that you do want.
Alissa Kriteman: I love it.
Kristine Catalina: This is good. He’s a good man. He’s awesome. Not quite for me, because I now know that what I want is more of this.
So thank you, Mr. Man Over Here. Wow, that’s great. He doesn’t have to be bad, but he’s like, it’s all—because the universe is always answering our prayers. But you have to go along and you have to be in gratitude and grateful for whatever it is that is coming along along the way. And trust that the perfect things are always happening, and that you’ll know when it’s right.
It’s not ever wrong, but you’ll know when it fits, when it resonates with you.
Alissa Kriteman: I love it. Before we get too much into dating, we’re going to take a short break to support our sponsors.
This is Alissa Kriteman, your host of Just for Women: Dating, Relationships, and Sex. I’m with Kristine Catalina, relationship expert. We are getting the real deal, juicy information on knowing what you want, asking for what you want with men.
When we come back, we’re going to talk more about dating. Hold on. We’ll be right back.
Alissa Kriteman: We’re back. I’m Alissa Kriteman, your host of Just for Women: Dating, Relationships, and Sex. We’re speaking with Kristine Catalina about how to be really effective with men, knowing and asking for what you want.
Now we’re going to go a little bit deeper into the dating scene. How to be more effective on dates, how to really find and attract the man of your dreams.
So, Kristine, we were talking a little bit about that before the break. You were saying that really trusting the universe. That you women, knowing their desires, knowing what feels really good, are the keys to the kingdom, and not being attached to any one man being the one that’s going to fulfill everything.
I think that’s a powerful foundation for any marriage or partnership.
Kristine Catalina: Well, it’s really true. Because the greatest relationship that we all need to have is the one that we have with ourself. When you’re just, when you’re feeling really right about who you are, and you’re not in judgment of yourself, you’re in a much better place to just enjoy what it is that the world is bringing around you. You’re in a much better place to have fun with whatever man is there, whatever man shows up for whatever reason.
Because it’s all there for fun, for joy, for interaction, for discovering who knows what. You never know when you are going to meet a man what he is going to be for you, whether it’s a guy in the grocery store for a moment, or whether it’s a man you happen to be meeting on a blind date, or somebody that is a referral.
I’m currently single right now. I’ve just been loving being single and yet I have—I’ve been married a couple of times, and I have amazing exes. I have an ex from 20 years ago that took me out for dinner the other night and just—we just have these amazing times years later, because, you know, my father always told me, always leave them laughing.
Relationships last for however long they do. Sometimes it is forever. Sometimes it is for a couple of years, and sometimes it is for a night. I was introduced to somebody. Somebody recommended that I meet this man the other night, and I met him. We had just a great time, and by the end of it he was a client of mine. That was very clear, what there was, what this meeting was.
He was clear that he had been asking for some more clarity about the world of women, more so than he wanted someone to date right at the moment. Because he was just about ready to give up dating.
So you just never know who’s in front of you. It could be his cousin I end up having another date with or meeting sometime. Or his business partner. You just don’t know.
So you basically want to bring who you are, and the kindness and the joy and the appreciative woman that you are, to whatever interaction that you’re having, and not be attached to how it turns out.
Because I really think, Alissa, that in the greater picture, God knows what it is that you want. You’ve been praying. You’ve been asking. It’s already in the cards on some level. But you’re going along. You’re being in conversation. Do you trust? Can you allow yourself to have it all? Have exactly what it is that you want.
If you’re still over here in some kind of judgment about yourself, that there’s something wrong with you. And women are famous for doing the wrong thing. Then you’re going to be a particular vibration that is going to bring in somebody who is a match for that vibration, which may not be everything that you want.
Alissa Kriteman: I love it. I love it. I love how you bring, I guess you could say spirituality. It’s definitely more and more in mainstream conversation now, with The Secret and the Law of Attraction, and you’re talking about vibration, and attracting in a man who matches your vibration. I tend to adhere to that as well.
Let’s talk about the vibration of anger. You mentioned in our last segment that men just cannot do anger. Let’s talk about the affects of our anger on men, and the importance of emotional sobriety as a woman.
Kristine Catalina: The anger part of it. Anger is such a toxic vibration. The thing that’s interesting is that a lot of times, we’re angry at somebody, and we use words like, oh, I just hate this, and all of that. And we just don’t realize. If we could see ourselves on an energetic level. When you say the words “I hate” or “I’m angry,” your whole vibration just drops, and there’s this darkness that comes into your field.
It’s repulsive. It repels. It doesn’t bring towards. It really does a lot of damage to our own bodies. We hate, and we’re angry about stuff, we’re the ones who are angry or who do this I hate or whatever, and so we’re the ones who feel the effects of that.
We think it doesn’t matter. But every thought, every single thought, has a vibration to it. You’re either uplifting yourself and your world with your thoughts, or you’re not.
Men definitely go away from anger. They do not improve with abuse. I always say men, they’re not the same as women. Whereas a woman might wake up in the morning and still be angry about something that he did a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, whatever.
Men don’t wake up that same way. Men are waking up hoping to heck to get through the day where they have a good time, where somehow they hit a home run and they make their woman happy. The great thing about guys is, they forget that you were having a bad time last week or last month or for however long, if they’re having a good time right now. They don’t remember.
Men live way more in the now. They’re just like, God, can we just have this feel really good now? Whereas women, we hang onto things a lot longer than we should. What it ends up doing is making us look old. Old and angry and like our light goes out and what are we? Not fun. Men can see those kinds of women a mile away.
It doesn’t matter what you look like. It’s all going to wrinkle, sag, and bag eventually anyhow, so it’s really important, your attitude. OK? So the anger stuff? Anger doesn’t cut it.
Look. We all have these emotions. It’s what it is to be human. The emotions that we have, they’re not bad. They’re actually the gift. They are a huge gift, because on the other side of experiencing these emotions and these feelings that we have, that’s where the bliss lives. That’s where joy lives. That’s where ecstasy lives. OK?
We have—it basically boils down to about four different emotions. You’re either mad, you’re sad, you’re scared, or you’re glad. And these things—for a long time, Alissa, I was brought up. A lot of my training was, oh, don’t feel your feelings. Just change your mind and look for the good and all that kind of stuff.
But I came to a point in my life where it was like, no. You have to deal with these feelings. Because as awesome as The Secret is, if you walk and you focus on what it is that you want and it just shows up.
If you’ve got underlying conversations, fears, angers, sadness, and whatever that is going on, and you’re not dealing with it, it’s the louder conversation. It’s the subconscious conversation, that it going to manifest in ways that you may not want, because you haven’t dealt with these feelings.
Alissa Kriteman: Interesting. So what you’re saying is, because we’ve been so conditioned in the past to be up in our head and in our mind and work things out in our mind, that the trend now is actually. And I agree, because I’ve been interviewing people and hear this more and more.
We’ve got to get into our bodies. We’ve got to feel what is going on in our bodies. And on the other side of that, you’re saying, is bliss.
Kristine Catalina: Oh, it’s amazing! It’s amazing. And I’ve discovered these new, this way of being present to your body and to what is going on that is just incredible. It’s taken me out of fear. Because a lot of times, I didn’t want to feel. I missed more joy. My life experience is joy. I’m all about bringing happiness and everything.
But every once in awhile, I’m human. And I would have these things that I would get scared about, or, not really angry. Because I never felt too angry. But I would get scared, and I would get sad about stuff.
I was afraid to feel those, because I thought, if I go down that tunnel, man, I’ll never come out. It’ll be a big, deep, dark hole, and I don’t want to go down there. So I would, whatever, work more, do more, whatever. Talk more. Sometimes have more wine than I should, etc.
So I started figuring out that what there is to do. Because where we live with all of these fears is in our head. It’s some conversation. We have a thought. It gives us this feeling of fear or sadness. We can stew in that thought a long time if we stay up in our head. We’ve got a lot of story that goes around that particular emotion.
So instead of being in your head about it, what I learned to do is to now be present to, if I’m scared, what is the thought? What is the thought? OK, well thatthought. Whatever that thought is. Now, where does that live in my body? Where do I feel that?
Well, my shoulders are tense. My shoulders are tight and they’re up. My neck feels really tight. I’ve got these butterflies in my stomach and tension in my hands. I would start to scan my body and feel where all of the “negative,” or the not so fun, not so pleasurable feelings would be in my body.
I would just go through it all, and I would feel those things. And when I would go to each area, I would just say to myself, I love Kristine. And I’d watch and I’d just keep saying that. And really feel it and really mean it.
I’d send the golden light from up above, and I would just bring it through my body. And I’d send it to those particular areas, and it would just melt. It would just dissolve. I would just keep going through my body, and then all of a sudden, I would start looking in my body.
I’d start feeling all these places that would just be blissful. Like feeling good, like really positive. Like my lips would be buzzing, or my tips of my fingers would be buzzing, or I would start feeling this warm energy coming up through my legs. And I just would scan. I would be focused in my body and scan in my body.
And it would just be amazing. I would be so present, and I’d experience my body disappearing and just being one with energy, with all the good, the love, the joy, that we are.
Alissa Kriteman: Wow.
Kristine Catalina: Yeah, wow is right. It was like, oh my God. So now I am no longer afraid. I have so little fear now, because I now know what to do when I have these feelings, these emotions, these sensations that come up in my body.
Or these thoughts that normally I would get hooked by, and I’d get scared and I’d shut down and all of that. I’m no longer afraid, because I know that what is on other side of them is this amazing, peaceful, blissful, free place to be. To be me. It’s amazing.
Alissa Kriteman: It sounds like—I’m just thinking about so many women who are at work and want to tap in. It sounds like, the exercise that you just walked us through, is really access to our deep feminine gifts. The flow, the relaxation.
But what if we’re at work, and we get hooked by something, and we notice anger? There’s some anger coming up. It sounds like you would really have to be in the practice of taking a minute. How do we do that in the workplace, though?
Kristine Catalina: It doesn’t have to take that long. You see, the great thing is, about these emotions. They don’t—your body does not want to hang out in anger for hours on end or minutes on end. It really only wants to deal with that for maybe three minutes. Two or three minutes. Because it’s energy that wants to move. That’s all.
So if you’re angry, you could just find something. Go in someplace and beat on the wall for a minute. Just beat on the wall with your fist. Oh! Just beat on the wall for a couple of minutes, and then just like, OK. You just moved the energy. Or stomp your feet on the floor for a couple of minutes if you’re scared about something.
You do it just for a couple of minutes, and then you just notice in your body. OK, is there any tension here? You can make it disappear. I love Kristine. I love Kristine. Wherever the energy is stuck in your body.
And you just do it. It doesn’t have to take long, because your body really knows when it’s done. And it’s done way sooner than our minds would normally let it be done. It’s only when you stick into the story that you’ve been done to, that you think it’s going to go on and on.
But you haven’t been done to. The perfect things are happening. No one can ever really do anything to you. Everything and anything that anybody says or does, has nothing to do with you anyhow. It’s all their stuff.
So if you want to choose to be a victim, then what have you done? You’ve given your power over to them, which is a tragic thing. Because it’s a lie. It’s an illusion.
They haven’t done it to you. You’ve done it to you. It’s triggered something. So just notice where, when you’re angry, just notice what’s happening? OK. My chest is tightening up. I can hardly breathe. I’ve got butterflies. I’m feeling hot around my neck or whatnot. So just notice those—you’re feeling flushed or whatever. Just notice all the sensations that are happening in your body, and send them white light and love. Send them love.
I love Kristine. I love Kristine. And then, boom. OK. You’re back. You’re present again.
Alissa Kriteman: [laughs] I just had this vision of thousands of women repeating, “I love Kristine.”
Kristine Catalina: Yeah, thank you. Yeah, they can all do that. They can send love to Kristine. I can use it. Everybody can use all the love that, you know.
So whoever you think “did this to you,” you can say, hey, I love Harry. Harry. I love Harry. I love Kristine. I love Alissa. And I love Harry too. Because Harry’s just doing the best he knows how to do.
He’s being—whoever these people are, and whoever has done whatever to you, or whatever the situation. Say, look at. The world is just a reflection of the level that we love ourselves. We just cannot go around and be attached to the way things turn out, because you never know, from moment to moment, what is going to happen. You just don’t. We don’t know.
So if you can be more present, and are willing to deal with your own sensations and feelings when you can, then you don’t have to be at the effect of anything or anyone.
Alissa Kriteman: Beautifully, beautifully said. We are going to take another short break to support our sponsors. This is Alissa Kriteman, your host of Just for Women: Dating, Relationships, and Sex.
Oh, we’re having such a great, great, great conversation with Kristine Catalina, relationship expert and humorist, talking about emotional sobriety and the importance of feeling our feelings.
When we come back, we’re going to talk about the “C” word and other ways we can be more effective with men, and some of the trends that are happening with woman. Concepts like the alpha female and lovership. We’ll be right back.
Alissa Kriteman: We’re back. I’m Alissa Kriteman, your host of Just for Women: Dating, Relationships, and Sex. We’re speaking with Kristine Catalina, relationship expert, about the importance of feeling our feelings and the power that comes from doing so.
Now we’re going to talk a little bit more about how to be effective with men. Kristine, you say in your book that men can be our best allies and greatest loves. Tell me a little bit more about that.
Kristine Catalina: Oh, that is so great. If women would get that. Because, you know, men are always just responding to what it is that a woman puts out. And I, oh boy. Let me tell you. When I first heard that, I was like, oh my God. I didn’t like that at all. That was really scary, because it looked like I was being not very nice for a lot of the time.
I elicited my dear former husband to really give me reality on what it was that I was doing or saying or ways that I was being, that were not attractive and that were not fun. Because I had for so long, for so long I had been speaking in ways, and speaking into the world of man, in ways that I had no idea were affecting men so negatively. I just couldn’t hear how I sounded.
So I asked him to please just let me know, at any moment, if what I was saying wasn’t fun or was unattractive. And, oh my God. For the first couple of weeks, he was going, that’s not nice. That doesn’t feel good. That’s, no. That feels really bad. That sounds horrible.
And it was like, oh my God. I just couldn’t believe that I was that repulsive in the ways that I was talking. It was like, I had been losing about certain things or being victimized by certain things or looking at them bad, or the not fun side of life.
So he was just my best partner and ally for so long, and I’m now just really aware of what comes out of my mouth and how it lands out there in the world, period, but also in the world of men.
Because men, they will come around when you’re fun. When you’re fun and it’s fun and it feels attractive to them, they’re around. They want to be around that more. Because that’s just fun to be around.
So they’re always giving you reality. I always say, in relationships, especially marriages and whatnot, men don’t go away. They don’t leave when it’s fun. Men go and have affairs. They go off and do other things, work longer hours and put bigger tires on their truck and all the things that men do to not pay attention to you as women. Why? Because we’re not fun.
It’s just not fun to be around. And that’s the biggest complaint I hear about men all over for years and years and years. Women just don’t know how to enjoy what it is that men want to do for them.
Alissa Kriteman: Well, let’s take that a little deeper here, because we could say, yeah, of course. Anybody wants to be around someone who’s fun. But I think there’s a danger in that. When women hear that, they interpret that to mean, I can’t be truthful about how I’m feeling. I have to be fun all the time.
But we were just talking about the importance of feeling our feelings. So what is it really?
Kristine Catalina: Well, that’s very good. So, yes. You do want to feel your feelings, but you don’t want to do the blame. Your feelings are your feelings. OK? Yes, somebody might have triggered them for you, but nobody made you feel that way. They’re just your feelings.
So, yes, you feel them. If you’ve got something that comes up, you can just tell a man, OK. Can you hang with me for about three minutes here? I’ve just got, I just need to, whatever. Say something, express something. This is—I’m not going to blame you for it, but I just need to whatever. Pound on your chest a minute, or pound on the floor here. On the other side, trust me, I’ll be back. I’ll be back to my normal, kind self.
So you do. You do take time to move through your stuff. And if you’ve got a relationship with a guy who you’re tight enough with that you can do this, then just allow yourself to move through whatever you need to move in just three minutes. And on the other side of it, you can thank him. Thank him for being willing to be there.
But you don’t go do the blame on anyone. OK? It’s like, when you’re blaming, then it feels like an attack. Men don’t want to be around that. Nobody wants to be attacked. Women don’t want to be attacked, either.
Alissa Kriteman: Right.
Kristine Catalina: So it’s the same. It works both ways. Don’t take any abuse from any man, ever. Verbal, any kind. Love yourself enough to take yourself away from that kind of situation. If someone is deliberately trying to hurt you, blame you, it’s just like, no. Sorry. This is not my stuff. This is your stuff. So you go deal with it, and when you’re done with it, let me know. I’ll be here.
Alissa Kriteman: And that’s really one of the keys. You know, women always want to know. There’s this huge thing. Some schools. Men don’t want to commit. Men are afraid of commitment.
But really, we’re starting to understand now. Men are not afraid to commit. Men want to be committed. They want to have consistent love, attention, fun in their lives. But I think what we’re starting to understand now is, there are certain kinds of women that men will commit to.
I think you’re speaking to this as well. As a woman who is in charge of her emotions, knows how to move through her anger, is responsible for her emotions that are coming up and finding ways to let those feelings and emotions wash through her body vs. holding onto them, lashing out later.
All of those things create an environment of not safe for a man, and a man will not commit to that.
Kristine Catalina: Absolutely. You said the key magic word there, Alissa. It’s safe, or not safe. Yeah. Men, you’re really right. They do want to commit, but they don’t want to commit to something that they know is going to turn ugly later.
So if a woman doesn’t know that she’s responsible for her own emotions or her own feelings, whether they’re—she’s responsible for getting what it is that she wants across into that man’s world in an attractive way, knowing that that man doesn’t owe her anything. He doesn’t owe her anything. But he would be delighted more than anything to make her happy.
I mean, that’s what men want to do. When they marry a woman, when they get hooked up with a woman, they want to make her happy for the rest of her life. They only don’t want to commit to something if this woman is not going to be a woman who is going to allow the man to make her happy. OK?
By sucking on the gas pipe of life. By losing about different things. By not telling a man what it is that she wants in an attractive way. By thinking that he already knows. They don’t already know.
If you look at the front cover of my book, I have myself sitting on these two boxes. The left box is a blue box. The men are born in the blue pile. It says man. There’s one switch. On the right box it says woman. It’s a pink box. There’s buttons and levers and switches and dials all over the place in a very random order.
Alissa Kriteman: [laughs]
Kristine Catalina: And women of the world think that men understand us? It’s never going to happen. It’s never going to happen. Because look at women. From the moment we wake up in the morning, we go through so many different spaces and emotions and places and wants and desires, all over the place. Guys are never going to be able to keep track.
Alissa Kriteman: Right.
Kristine Catalina: So what we need from men is, we need men to be able to want to pay attention to us. But guess what? They don’t want to pay attention to us if it’s not fun. If it’s not safe. And we are safe as women when we’re willing to be responsible that we’re in charge. And that, yes, we do have this emotional body, and we’ll deal with it. We’re not going to blame him.
We’re going to figure out how to make our request heard in such a way that the man is inspired to want to go and do it for us. Not crowbarred. Not manipulated. It’s inspiration. Men want to be inspired. And that’s where the feminine, female, responsible, delicious woman comes in.
Alissa Kriteman: This is a great segue into a concept that I’ve been hearing more and more about. I want to hear your perspective on it. It’s something called lovership. And what you’re saying speaks directly to it, because what I’m finding is that there’s a place between dating and creating a lifetime partnership with someone. It’s being coined lovership.
What it includes is all of the things, these skills that you’re talking about. It’s a practice ground for what you’re saying.
So I wanted to get your take on this idea that women could be the co-creators, with the men in their lives that they want to develop more intimacy with.
So say they’re on date three, date four. They’re thinking, OK, this guy’s really got a lot of the characteristics and qualities that I’d like. I’d like to get more intimate with him. I’d like to start having a sexual relationship with him. And I’m not ready for a partnership.
So instead of unconsciously going into an instant relationship, or unconsciously putting this man in a box, going into old patterns, this idea of lovership is surfacing, where two people are consciously taking on creating parameters, guidelines, foundations, for what they want their time together to look and be like.
It’s new. It’s a new playground in which people can start to consciously create their relationship. It’s a kind of relationship. So what do you—what comes to your mind when you hear that?
Kristine Catalina: Well, that’s very good. Because, really, what’s happening with this whole shift that is happening on the planet, is everybody. People are waking up more to the fact that there really is nobody separate from them out there.
It’s all, you say you want more intimacy in life. Well, that is called into-me-cy. So it’s all about you showing more of who you are. If you want more intimacy, show more of yourself. It is all an opportunity for people to begin to treat others as they want to be treated.
So you start interacting with people. It’s like, OK. In this dance with your new person who you’re wanting to maybe connect at a deeper level with. But there’s no need for an attachment to a whatever partnership or lack of partnership, because really, it’s all happening right now. It’s all just happening right now.
The more real, the more open, the more honest you can be, without thinking that this person needs to agree with you. He doesn’t need to agree with you. He can just have his own world. But it’s like a space of allowing. Allowing what is just to be.
And it’s a new place for people. Because a lot of people, in the past, we’ve gone out and we need this person to be this, this, this, and this way in order to fulfill us. But, no. You need to fulfill yourself.
You need to be fulfilled in yourself and who you are, and bring that to the table. And love and honor yourself so much so that that person is just honored to be with you. That there’s this honoring and celebration of really the oneness that we all are.
And that there is no right or wrong way to do it, and that if you follow your heart and your gut and your inner knowing, you just will end up being in the right kind of relationship with this person.
But to not put relationship or partnership, or any of these words around what it is that the experience of the sharing that you have with this person. Because that’s what happens. We put things into boxes, and then they need to be a certain way in order for us in order for us to feel fulfilled, and then we miss the whole point.
The whole point is love. The whole point is just love. Loving yourself. Loving them. Loving the moment. Loving the allowing. Loving that we’re waking up to be that spacious and that allowing of another human being, and to be that in joy.
Because it really is all just about joy and love and allowing and bliss and harmony and peace. And that’s where we’re moving. We’re moving into that heart chakra, that heart place. And we’re going more and more away from the survival, from the fear, from the need to have somebody be some other way than just the way you want them, than just how they are.
You’ll know if it’s right to continue to be with them, because what? You’ll be with them. Because why? It’s fun, and it feels right, and it feels good. And it’s no work.
There’s no work to these things. There really is no work. It’s not work when you just are allowing what is to be.
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah. And therein lies the practice. I love what you said about what’s at the foundation of this is love, which is why I think this lovership sort of terminology is coming up. Because it’s allowing people to wake up to the real reasons that we’re even getting together and having sexual relationships and spiritual openings, is because what’s at the foundation is love. People want to feel more love.
But what is required now, because the divorce rate is so high, because people are so frustrated in their lives in general, it seems as though this lovership is born out of this desire that you’re talking about, to love ourselves more so we can access love for another, and love what’s going on right in the moment.
But again, it takes new practices.
Kristine Catalina: Well, it does, but it also takes a knowing. Another knowing. Another piece I just want to bring up, Alissa, is that these people who come into our lives do not come into our lives by accident. There is no accident. These are expanded members of our soul family that we’ve been around the block with many times over.
They came here and they’re all here to teach us lessons. We all have all these people in our lives that we have put into our movies to act exactly the way that they do so that we can learn the lessons that we came here to learn. So they are huge gifts. All these relationships are just gifts.
How everybody shows up in our life, it’s an opportunity for us to look back into ourselves and look at, where are we being loving here? Or where are being judging?
It’s not like we’re going to stop judging. It’s the nature of human beings to judge. But it’s to observe that, oh, we’re judging over there, and yet there’s three fingers pointing back over here. So where could I just allow this to be more, and love myself, love what’s so, and be grateful in gratitude for what it is that I’m learning about love for me.
Because when you’re fully loving you, and you’re accepting you, you’ve got all the space in the world for other people to be the way they are. And you not only have space for other people to be the way they are, but you can actually see where they don’t love who they are. And you can give the gift of love back.
You can bless them and send them light and love, because you are OK and you are over here just really being fine with who you are.
That’s why it’s so OK for whatever happens in relationships. It’s not a bad thing. You don’t fail at a marriage. You just choose to move on for whatever reason. Sometimes you haven’t learned your lesson, and they are too painful to learn. So you haven’t learned them there and you move on and you might learn them in the next relationship that you have.
Or you might not. You might not learn them until the next lifetime. But there’s no right or wrong thing. People need to take the right or wrongness out of whatever kind of relationship they have or don’t have out of it, and stop judging. And just realize that they’ve all been a gift.
You are who you are today because of all these amazing experiences that you’ve had, and the quicker we can learn to lighten up on ourselves and just enjoy the process of what it means to be human, the faster we’re going to bring more light and love into the planet.
You’ll go out and your light will be on, and you will be able to see more of what’s in front of you right now that you’ve been asking for, because you’re not stuck in your head beating yourself up about, oh, why am I single. Why have I failed here, or why have I done this. You’re present. You love you. You allow you.
And therefore there’s just a whole lot more of you to be and to give back to this amazing world of ours.
Alissa Kriteman: I really love that. I love that perspective that you shared that there is no failure. There are just lessons. And that if we could just get out of the right and wrong of it and stay open to what are the lessons I am getting from this person, it really shifts any kind of dating, lovership, relationship, partnership that might want to create. So thank you for that perspective.
We’re going to take one more break. This is Alissa Kriteman, your host of Just for Women: Dating, Relationships, and Sex. I’m with Kristine Catalina, talking very, very, very boldly and brilliantly about what it takes to have the kind of love that we desire so deeply to have in our lives. And we’ll be right back. Stay tuned.
Alissa Kriteman: Welcome back from the break. This is Alissa Kriteman, your host of Just for Women: Dating, Relationships, and Sex. We’ve been speaking with Kristine Catalina, amazing relationship expert, giving us some real insight into emotional sobriety, lovership, what’s going on with the state of man-woman dynamics today. Very, very refreshing information.
And definitely a little off the beaten path. I love, Kristine, how you’re so tapped into the metaphysical oneness. We’re here to have joy and love. These are very important themes that I’m noticing are resonating more and more women become more fully integrated, whole, and empowered women.
So we are going to finish up here. I could talk to you for days about this. You are so insightful.
Listeners, I wanted to let you know that you can email me at [email protected]. I would love to hear your comments about the show. Give me any ideas you have about topics you want to hear on the show. Get in touch.
Again, that’s [email protected]. To find Kristine Catalina, her website is manwomanmadeeasy.com.
Kristine Catalina: That’s man. Yeah.
Alissa Kriteman: What did you say?
Kristine Catalina: Man. Man. You sounded like you might have said men women. It’s manwomanmadeeasy.
Alissa Kriteman: Got you. Thank you. What is your email?
Kristine Catalina: It’s [email protected].
Alissa Kriteman: OK, great. So as you can tell, Kristine is an amazing, amazing coach. Deeply insightful. Pulling from many areas in her life: mind, body, spirit. She’s also available for speaking engagements. On the website, you’ll find her ebook as well her book in soft and hardcover. She’s got an incredible CD that’s three hours of her information available to you as well.
Also, I wanted to mention that this show has been sponsored by iFrog. If you write in your comments or suggestions and I use them on my show, I will send you a really cool iFrog iPod holder case that’s really funky, because I picked it out.
So feel free to write into me. I would love to hear your comments or suggestions, and send this iPod holder out to you.
Also, for text and transcripts of this show and other shows on the Personal Life Media network, please visit our website at personallifemedia.com.
OK, Kristine. We are almost out of time. But I like to do a little mad lib sort of fill in the blank exercise at the end of my show. So just off the top of your head, fill in for me, if you would, your first reaction to a couple of these sentences. You ready?
Kristine Catalina: Mm-hmm.
Alissa Kriteman: OK. One way to increase love and passion in your life is to ____.
Kristine Catalina: Enjoy the now. Enjoy the moment.
Alissa Kriteman: Great. The first thing to do during an emotional breakdown is ____.
Kristine Catalina: Take a deep breath.
Alissa Kriteman: Take a deep breath. Awesome.
One thing you really want women to know is ____.
Kristine Catalina: They’re in charge, and men are thrilled about women who know that they are in charge.
Alissa Kriteman: A great way to succeed with a man is ____.
Kristine Catalina: Acknowledge him. Appreciate him. Approve of him.
Alissa Kriteman: One thing you love about your life is ____.
Kristine Catalina: That I am free to be me, and that I love me. I love me, and I’m OK being me. And just that I am as blessed as I am with the friends that I have in my world.
Alissa Kriteman: Beautiful. Thank you so much, Kristine Catalina, for being with me on the show today and sharing all of your deep insight and wisdom with us and women on the planet. I know you are deeply committed to women’s empowerment. Thank you for taking the time to share your wealth of information with me and all the women on the planet.
Kristine Catalina: Well, thank you for having me, Alissa. You’re the best. You’re doing great things. It’s been a privilege and an honor.
Alissa Kriteman: Thank you so much. Thank you, listeners, for tuning in today. I’m your host, Alissa Kriteman, always expanding your choices here on Just for Women: Dating, Relationships, and Sex. See you next time.
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