Episode 27: "BE the Love you Want to Attract" with Renee Piane
“BE the Love you Want to Attract” with Author, Columnist and Expert Dating Coach, Renee Piane
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Alissa Kriteman: Welcome to Just for Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex. I’m your host Alissa Kriteman. My show is dedicated to bringing you the most insightful and provocative experts on the issues that are most important.
Renee Piane: Most women, I would say based on all the seminars that I’ve done, they get bonded too soon chemically to a guy that they don’t even know, and they are addicted to him because of the oxytocin and all of the chemicals that get triggered off, and it is the most exhilarating love feeling that you can have. Then there is the low-pressure phase. Now I don’t know about you, but I’ve been in the low-pressure phase before where I just did break up with somebody, I don’t want to get involved with anybody right now. So you go out and you want to casually date, and that’s usually when men fall in love with you, when you don’t pressure them, when you let go and you just say, “Right now I just want a casually date, I’m not looking for anything”, instead of giving them the “I want a husband, I want kids, I want this, I want that.” It’s too much, too fast.
Alissa Kriteman: Today on our show I’m very excited to have Renee Piane. Her life is dedicated to helping single men and women understand how to attract and sustain healthy, loving, vibrant relationships. On today’s show we’re going to focus on men. We will discuss the top five things that men wish women knew. We’re going to talk a little bit about how to understand our impact on men, and then we’re going to talk about phases of life men go through, which will really help us determine if he’s even a match for what we’re looking for. So Renee Piane, welcome so much for being on Just for Women.
Renee Piane: Hi. I’m happy to be here. I love helping women understand men, I’ve been teaching them for years and I finally decided to give women the insight that I’ve learned from working one on one with men.
Alissa Kriteman: Fantastic! Thank you. And for those of you who are meeting Renee for the first time, let me tell you a little bit about her. She’s the author of Love Mechanics, which is a book that was born out of her conducting thousands of interviews with single men across the USA for the cable special ‘Men Across America’. She’s an inspirational speaker and dating coaching consultant whose life’s work is dedicated to educating men and women as we just said. She has 15 years of research in psychology, sociology and the healing arts. She’s a certified NLP, Neuro Linguistic Programming…
Renee Piane: That’s right. Practitioner.
Alissa Kriteman: Practitioner. And also you have training in timeline therapy and hypnotherapy, which I always think is important and gives a depth of, you know, a persons breadth of being able to work with men and women because you really have to understand how the human body, the human mind works in order to really have an impact, would you agree?
Renee Piane: Well a lot of singles out there have certain belief systems that have been ingrained into them by their families, you know, men and women. And men and women have completely different, they’re brought up differently, depending on their nationality and depending on the age group that they’re in, and, you know, right now there’s so many different types of daters, I mean there’s, the divorce rate is very high nowadays, and there’s people dating 20’s, 30’s, 40’s and 50’s, I mean even teens are dating, and everybody dates differently.
Alissa Kriteman: Mmm.
Renee Piane: So it’s a very interesting study. You have to know what the mind of that, like, age group is thinking so that you can be up on it, and that’s what I’ve done in my work, you know, for working actually one on one with thousands of daters, I really get to see the mindset of a lot of people that are dating and it’s very interesting how they feel and the beliefs that they have ingrained in them just from their parents or their dating experience, so when you work with timeline therapy or the mind, it really helps to understand why people feel happy about dating or miserable about it, I mean a lot of people are really like fed up, they’re sick of it, they want to know what to do, they feel confused. So that’s why I help them with all of those tools.
Alissa Kriteman: Nice! You know, it’s interesting to think about that there are all kinds of daters today, and yeah it’s varied too. It’s not just the 20 to 30 something pool, there’s all kinds of people dating and I think it’s fantastic that that’s out there but I understand that there is some confusion, so what are some of the things, in your experience, men wish women knew about?
Renee Piane: Well you know it’s interesting ‘cause I always figured that every guy, you know, our moms taught us all that our prince was coming and that he was going to know what to say, what to do, what to wear, how to treat us, but I have to inform all of you ladies, don’t be disappointed, but many men first of all have not had any training in how to deal with women unless they had an amazing mother or relationships when they were younger with a sister or good friend that was a female. So the first thing is is that men aren’t as a aware as we think they are and they don’t read books like we wish they would, believe me because I wrote one, and so it’s up to us to influence men with our feminine energy. That’s number one.
Alissa Kriteman: Okay.
Renee Piane: That’s the number one thing. I mean I could go on. The number two thing is is that men are very sensitive to our energy and our vibration, you know, the tone of our voice, the way we speak to them, and being that I watch actual dating one on one at my rapid dating sessions, I see how the tone and the body language of women completely, can completely turn a man on or completely turn a man off.
Alissa Kriteman: Wow.
Renee Piane: And we are often very critical and very demanding of men right away, expecting them to know who we are and what we want and that they’re going to quote “get us”, you know, like, “I want a man”, women will say to me all the time in my seminars, “I want a man who just gets me”.
Alissa Kriteman: Mm hmmm.
Renee Piane: And I’m like, “What do you mean?” You know, and I said, “You got to realize, sometimes we put on such a big façade and such a big power trip that it freaks guys out.”
Alissa Kriteman: And it’s not even the real authentic us anyway. I think we sometimes get into this, “I have to project something”, instead of really practicing being our authentic self and that comes from our own programming as women growing up, so I can understand the confusion in this whole dating scene.
Renee Piane: Oh, it’s really amazing, so I, one of the biggest things that I teach is who, you know for people to really get in touch with who are they really and what do they really want because in the world once the sexual revolution happened, you got to understand we were taught, you know, that we can do it better than men, we can be like men but we really still have those feminine instincts and those feminine desires ingrained into our blood.
Alissa Kriteman: Mm hmm.
Renee Piane: You know, to procreate, to be partnered up, and what has happened is there’s such a confusion with the women being so powerful these days and working like men, you know, all of the time and being able to raise kids and have the balance, it’s gotten a lot out of balance, not a little, a lot of balance. So now it’s coming back into balance as you look, you know, even through television a lot of, there’s a lot of new programs about, you know, older daters, people that are, you know, the baby boomer generation, 65% of them are divorced, so they’re all back out into the market again. People are having to relearn how to communicate, who they are, what they want and exactly figure out what makes them happy in life.
Alissa Kriteman: Right.
Renee Piane: And most people are trained, this is the other thing ladies out there that are looking for this prince, that, you know, we’re trained to believe that men know exactly what we want. They have to be led and guided with our energy, and I talked about that earlier, and that is a gift and that’s an art and that is what I teach is that art of being feminine and also staying within your power, ‘cause women will say to me, “Oh, I’m not going to be some femme fatale and wait on men like my grandmother did. The hell with that”, and I’m like, “Listen, if you want to get results with men, you’re going to have to find out more about what makes him tick.
Alissa Kriteman: Right.
Renee Piane: And most women expect to, a man to know what makes her tick right, well hey, it goes both ways. You need to figure out a guys phases, and that’s one of the things that you had mentioned that we were going to discuss. That is one of the most important things that I can, that I can impart on women is that men go through phases in life and then suddenly they’ll be like, “Oh my God, I’m alone. I want to find a mate.” They go through phases where women, we’re always seeming to want to partner up. So a lot of women are dating out there with men that aren’t in the same phase as they are and they push and push and use their sexuality and give too much away right away thinking that that’s going to make a man change his mind and that is one of the biggest challenges that women go through.
Alissa Kriteman: Do you think men even know that they’re doing that? You know, we were talking about some of the things that men wish women would know. Do you think men even know that they’re going through phases?
Renee Piane: Well lets put it this way, they’re trained, you know, to be competitive, to get, you know, a good career, to have a foundation or I call it, you know, like say ‘get their castle together, get their house in order’, before they can settle down. So you figure, if you look at most guys if they’re successful anyway, which all women are trained to look for a guy that’s confident, successful, that has his act together, isn’t that what most women out there, I bet they’re all nodding, “Yes, that’s what I’m looking for”, but somebody that’s also emotionally able to handle our ups and downs, our periods, all the stuff that we go through. Most guys that are really highly intelligent, doctors, lawyers, engineers, people with Masters and advanced degrees, you’ve got to think about it, they’ve been in school for 8 to 12 years. And in, you know, then they have to go through all this, you know, they have to go through all these programs just to get to the level, like therapists have to go through 3,000 hours, doctors have to go, you know, working in the hospital for a couple of years and their internship.
Alissa Kriteman: So basically their minds are not geared toward the feminine energy.
Renee Piane: Not at all. They’re brilliant men and have not, many have not learned the emotional side because they’ve been focused on studying, becoming successful, and usually during that time, based on a lot of the clients that I’ve seen personally, most people that get married in that younger age when they’re going through college and, you know, the college sweetheart thing, it’s the person that’s closest to them at the time giving them love and encouragement at the time, they marry that person, then they get out of school, grow up and all of a sudden they’re going, “Wow, this is it? This is my life? I married the first girl that, you know, nursed me through my grad school and now I’m, you know, out in the world, I have a home, I got a Mercedes, I got a couple kids, and then this is it?” So most people don’t develop that emotional intelligence in their life, men don’t, until a little bit later. And unfortunately most women, we’re studying Cosmo, we’re reading all these magazines when we’re young and books, and now there’s thousands of books for women out there to figure out if a guys your husband in five minutes or less, right?
Alissa Kriteman: Right.
Renee Piane: Is he your, you know, is he a frog, is he your prince? Ask men these ten questions to know if he’s even available, is he your boyfriend, all these analysis. Men hate being analyzed ladies. They hate it.
Alissa Kriteman: So what do we do? This is really a predicament, I’m glad you’re bringing this up because I know all of that’s out there, and you’re saying it’s out there but men hate it, so…
Renee Piane: Yeah. This is the deal.
Alissa Kriteman: So, are we not supposed to have this in the back of our mind, because I’ve heard other, you know, coaches say, “You got to sort, you got to sort through these men quickly because you have to know yourself well enough to do that”, so…
Renee Piane: I agree with all of that, but there’s a way to do it that doesn’t make men run. I have had women come to my rapid dating events with lists, and they start to give it’s almost like a, have you ever, I call it the teacher tone, “So, hello. My name is Susan. What do you do for a living? Where do you live? What kind of car do you drive?” And they start analyzing a guy and that’s what most of my clients complain about. Most of them men that I teach in seminars that I’ve been teaching for 15 years and men all across the country, they all say the same thing, “I do not feel like being badgered on a first date”, or “You meet me online and the first thing that they do when they get you on the phone is they start asking you 50 questions.” The way to get around that ladies is in my new book, which I hope you’ll eventually buy or come to my seminars, you need to learn what your true top five or six values are, what is most important to you, and then gently ask questions based on those values. For example, one of my values, my highest values ‘cause I’m a hundred percent Italian, is my family. Okay, so when I would date a guy, no matter how gorgeous he was, no matter what kind of car or where he lived or all that stuff which all of us want, I would ask him a couple of questions and I’d say, “So, tell me about your family”, and he would say, “Ugh, my family, are you kidding? I never see them. I, you know, I haven’t been back, you know, for the holidays in years, my mother and I don’t get along, we’re not really much of a unit.” Now that would be a problem for me.
Alissa Kriteman: Mm hmm.
Renee Piane: ‘Cause I come from one of those family’s that’s almost like a combo of the Soprano’s and the Big Fat Greek Wedding, you know. So they’re in your face, a lot of food, a lot of love, a lot of hugs, a lot of getting into your business. So that’s important to me, I like that. The second thing that was important to me was sentiment, sentiment, you know, a man with sentimental values, somebody sentimental.
Alissa Kriteman: Romance.
Renee Piane: So I ask men how they celebrate birthdays and Christmas. “Ugh, I hate all that hoo-haw and celebration.” That’s not a guy for me. It just isn’t. I rule out guys, I used to rule out guys very quickly and not let it run me because I was so sexually attracted to him that I thought oh I could, could change him.
Alissa Kriteman: Do you have a way to help women identify their top five or six values so they can gently ask these questions versus hitting men face on with the list of…
Renee Piane: Well, yes, I do, but that is a part of what I teach in my seminars, online and also in my book. What I do and what I created in my Love Mechanics book for men is going to be duplicated in the terminology for women, and what I do is I, all people, no matter what you’re up to, whether you’re married, whether you’re bored, you know, whether you’re in a relationship that’s a dead-end, you need to get in touch with who you are, and what I do is I take them through an evaluation, and we can’t do it on the air because it would take too long, and it is a life evaluation, like ‘What makes you happy? Why are you a great partner?’ You first, it’s not about another person coming into your life and making everything great. It’s about you getting super clear on who you are and why you are a great catch, why you’re a great partner, what makes you tick, what you bring to a relationship, not just what you’re going to get. People are always saying, “Well, I need to find somebody that can do a, b, c, d and e, and I’m like, “Well, are you what you’re asking for?”
Alissa Kriteman: Right.
Renee Piane: So once you get clear on all of those things, and that takes work and that’s what I do in my, you know, day long seminars and my online seminars, I give people the exact steps that they need to take so that they can get clear on that, and that’s not something you can do on a quick radio show. It’s deep work.
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah. I love it, I love it, I love that that work…
Renee Piane: Most people don’t want to do work. They want to find the person and then suddenly everything’s going to be great, and let me tell you, when a man feels that pressure from a woman it, there is nothing worse than a woman saying, “Well, I want to be committed and I want this and that and that and that”, right in the beginning. You don’t need to make a man feel pressured. The one thing you got to remember ladies is that men, many men, and this is based on me interviewing thousands of them, I ask them three or four questions when they come, I’ll say, “Write down the first three things you think about when you think about being single and being in love.” And you know what they write? They write fear of commitment a lot, I would say probably 80% of the men feel like love means death. They equal love to meaning no more booty, they equal love to meaning that ball and chain, they equal love to being, “Oh my God, I’m confined”, okay. What makes men commit to a woman and love her is a woman that doesn’t make a man feel like she is going to take him by the cajockies and have him, you know, being ruled by her for the rest of her life.
Alissa Kriteman: Renee, awesome stuff. We’re going to take a break to support our sponsors and when we come back I want to talk more about what makes men feel comfortable to commit. This is Alissa Kriteman, your host of Just for Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex. I am with Renee Piane, author, speaker coach, helping singles find true love and we’ll be right back.
Alissa Kriteman: We’re back. I’m your host Alissa Kriteman. You’re listening to Just for Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex. We’re speaking today with Renee Piane, expert relationship coach, who has dedicated her life to helping men and women find their soul mates. So Renee before the break we were talking a lot about what men need to feel comfortable in order to commit to a woman. What are some other things? You know, you were saying men don’t want to feel pressured, they don’t want to be hit with a litany of questions in the upfront, it’s really important for women to know what her values are so she can be more comfortable in sorting through in the dating scene the number of men that will come into her life, and that there’s actually evaluations that you do personally in your private coaching where women can sort that out, so what are some other things as we’re out there in the dating world that really open up and help men relax into going from the dating scene into a longer term commitment?
Renee Piane: Well first of all, before we get to that, the commitment part, the women have to make it, for, most women say to me, “Well, I want a commitment, I know that I want that and how do I?” They first have to meet a guy that’s even qualified and then once they do they have to slow the whole process down because when a man, like say for example if you go online, you meet a guy and he’ll say, “I want long term commitment, marriage and children”, right. So the woman gets all excited ‘cause this guy says he wants kids, he wants to get married, so the first step is qualifying him and online does help that, and I also feel like my events help that also because people are coming there, they’re looking for people to date, they’re not just wanting to go screw around, they’re single people, available people, so first qualify him as a person that’s available and not go after somebody that isn’t. Second of all, you want to make sure that you are not projecting, like say if you meet a guy online and he has all these qualities, on paper he looks good, then you meet him. And so you go out on the first date and you’re all excited, I have so many clients call, they say, I had a girl call me on Saturday while I was on my vacation and she said, “I met, I think I met my soul mate.” I said, “When?” She said, “Last night.” I said, “What do you mean?” She said, “He was on J Date, he sounds perfect and we met for coffee, we had a lot of chemistry.” And I said, “That’s great. Slow the process down. Don’t rush, okay?”
Alissa Kriteman: Right.
Renee Piane: Number one, don’t rush, take it slow and if you really want a long term committed relationship with somebody you say to the guy, like a guy will say, the guys will say to me that they have learned through Tom Likess and some other seduction coaches that if a woman doesn’t sleep with you by the second or third date don’t waste your time, don’t spend any money, and that, you know, that she’s not going to put out. I say based on thousands of interviews with men, I asked, “Do you respect a woman that sleeps with you right away?” Almost 85 to 90 percent men say, “I love chasing women. I’d rather have a woman wait even though I say it doesn’t matter to me. It does matter to him. ‘Cause I figure, if she’s going down on me on the second date, how many other guys has she done that with?”
Alissa Kriteman: Right, right.
Renee Piane: You know what I mean? So I always say to these women, “Slow down the sexual energy. Don’t give him too much right away. You can, you can be very sensuous with what you wear, you know, wear things that are sexy. Don’t show too much. But also let him know that you are a sensual person and that that is a very important thing to you and that you don’t just jump in bed with anybody.
Alissa Kriteman: Right, so you’re saying find the balance between being turned on, allowing the turn on and the connection to be there, but also, and it’s not really playing a game…
Renee Piane: No.
Alissa Kriteman: you know, it’s not, it’s not about gaming around dating. It’s really about slowing down and knowing that men, a man who’s worth being in a long term committed relationship with will actually honor a woman’s desire to wait and go slower and really know who this man is.
Renee Piane: Absolutely. And that’s not just based on religion or, you know, I mean there’s a lot of Christians that wait until they get married to have sex, which is, hey, that’s, there is no right or wrong time, like people call me all the time and say, “What is the exact date that a woman should have sex with a man so that he won’t run away?” Let me just tell you something, any time that a woman makes love to a man that’s too soon before she knows whether he’s going to stick around, she is taking a risk on him getting scared because what happens is most women, I would say based on all the seminars that I’ve done, they get bonded too soon chemically to a guy that they don’t even know.
Alissa Kriteman: Right.
Renee Piane: And they are addicted to him because of the Oxytocin and all of the chemicals that get triggered off, and it is the most exhilarating love feeling that you can have. You can get that feeling without having intercourse with somebody just by being a sensuous person, and when I met men over the last five years I had made a decision that I wanted a long term committed relationship, and I’m a very sexual woman, and it wasn’t the easiest thing for me and people that see out in the world, they always ask, “What should I do with my sensuality? What should I do, what should I do?” The thing is, if you have a lot of sexual energy you’re going to have to be using it somewhere else right in the beginning phases of your relationship by being sensuous, by giving back rubs and kissing and, but just hold off on the physical all the way, going all the way part because guys will get scared off if you jump in too quick.
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah, and even though the signals are, “Yeah, this is great”, I would think that there’s some kind of unconsciousness happening, because the woman is steering, right? The woman is kind of…
Renee Piane: The woman is in the drivers seat…
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah.
Renee Piane: with her body, with her soul, with her mind.
Alissa Kriteman: And I think women are not necessarily utilizing that, that power say, in, in that way, and I think this is why I like covering topics like this in my show because I want women to understand, it doesn’t mean that you’re not empowered if you’re running the show, in a way, but you’re saying, the first point you said was guide with that feminine energy and yes it’s been lost a little bit and so, again, values, knowing who we are, knowing what we want, being able to go slower in our sexual expression, channeling it in other ways and still staying empowered.
Renee Piane: Absolutely, and I did that with, it’s very interesting ‘cause about five, right before I met my husband, well actually it was about seven years ago, I had made this decision that I was just going to slow down the whole process, ‘cause I never was really one to jump in bed with guys right away, but I was considered a tease. I’m, I’m like the master at flirting, I teach people how to do it, and I am very good at connecting with those type of men that all women are attracted to, that dynamic, high energy guy that when he walks in the room all the women go, “Who’s that guy, who’s that guy?” And I married a guy like that and, but the interesting thing is is that I took these men and I call it ‘take him for a test drive’, you know? I have a girlfriend who just fell head over heals with a guy on J Date and she is in her 50’s, she’s very sexy, she has been celibate, you know, for like the last 10 months ‘cause she’s a, she’s a jump in bed really quick kind of a girl and I’ve been coaching her not to do that, and this guy came along and boom. I said, “Do not, I repeat, do not go through the same pattern that you’ve been going through by jumping in bed on date number two after two martinis. Just don’t do it.”
Alissa Kriteman: You know, it’s interesting, you had mentioned earlier about phases in life and, you know, this woman is looking for a man, and lets talk a little bit about this, the kind of phase that this man is in in his life would be much different than another man, and I really want women to understand this whole concept that you touched upon earlier, because I think it really helps in the dating scene.
Renee Piane: Alright, well let me give you a few of them.
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah.
Renee Piane: Okay, all people, male and female are in phases, okay? And you can be in one or two phases at the same time, and in my book there’s like 30 of them. Some of the main ones are where you are, you have a passenger still remaining in your vehicle, which means that you’re out dating but you still have somebody still in your heart.
Alissa Kriteman: There’s a passenger in the vehicle, that is funny.
Renee Piane: That’s one of my terminologies of Love Mechanics, if you still have a passenger remaining in your vehicle, which means that you’re still sleeping with your ex once a week or you are just broken up and you expect to run out and find the man of your dreams when you just let go of the guy and his underwear are still in your drawer, you still have a passenger remaining in your vehicle, as far as I’m concerned.
Alissa Kriteman: And I think a lot of times there’s the emotional baggage of men and women who’ve been through divorce where there’s this lingering nasty taste in their mouth about marriage. I would, you know, I would think that that’s another, you were talking about being available and this passenger in the vehicle, there’s many ways that men are not available.
Renee Piane: Well I call that the shock absorption phase. That means that you just got out of a long term relationship, you’re going through a divorce, you’re in total shock about the dating scene, you know, like say if you’ve been married for 10 years or in a long term relationship, whether you’ve been married or not it feels like you’ve been married, and all of a sudden you’re back out in the world again, so there’s, these are a whole bunch of the phases, I’m going to go through a few of them real quick. There’s the shock absorption. Then there is the low-pressure phase. Now I don’t know about you, but I’ve been in the low-pressure phase before where I just did break up with somebody, I don’t want to get involved with anybody right now. So you go out and you want to casually date, and that’s usually when men fall in love with you, when you don’t pressure them, when you let go and you just say, “Right now I just want to casually date, I’m not looking for anything”, instead of giving them the, “I want a husband, I want kids, I want this, I want that”, it’s too much, too fast. And it, in this phase though you need to be honest with men you date and if you hear a guy and he says to you, “You know what, I just got out of something and right now I just want to take it slow and whatever happens happens”, most women take that as, “Wow, maybe if I sleep with him and get him all wrapped up in me, he’s going to be ready to make a commitment again.” No, that’s not what it means.
Alissa Kriteman: Right.
Renee Piane: Usually what guys tell you is what they mean.
Alissa Kriteman: Yup.
Renee Piane: Okay? And the passenger remaining in your vehicle, if you hear a guy say, “Oh god, my wife just left last week”, or whatever, he’s still got a passenger remaining in his vehicle and has some cleaning up to do before you get in his friggin’ car. So don’t be running around giving your booty away to a guy that has that happening. If you know a guy that’s, or you, are in a complete engine breakdown, these are all car terminologies, don’t, don’t go out into the road until you do some healing. Then there’s what I call the timing adjustment phase, which is a newly divorced man or single parent with kids, okay? When you have a timing adjustment phase that means most of your dating time has to, you have to adjust your time based on your kids schedule.
Alissa Kriteman: Mmm.
Renee Piane: And your ex, and when he has the kids and when you have the kids and if the kids get sick. When you are, when you’re dating and you’re a single parent, that’s a whole other set of rules, you know, and I have all these articles that I’ve written on dating a single mom, what to do, what not to do, and single moms man, you know what a lot of men think that single moms are, this is what I’ve been told ladies so be warned, single moms are the easiest target ‘cause they’re vulnerable. So beware when you get one of these seduction expert guys that have been learning all these seduction tricks, NLP techniques to make you feel certain feelings, “Oh, I know how much, how hard you work and how long, you know, it’s been since you’ve had anybody take care of you”, and all that, and the women start to really like surrender to these guys. Just don’t surrender too fast, ‘til you know whether he’s authentic or not.
Alissa Kriteman: Interesting, yeah. We could do a whole show on the seduction community and how…
Renee Piane: Woo.
Alissa Kriteman: there are all kinds of, I would call it manipulation.
Renee Piane: Total Manipulation.
Alissa Kriteman: And when you say easy target, these guys are not looking for long term committed and it’s important for women to understand when they’re being sort of played that way.
Renee Piane: Well the thing is most of the time when I, I’ve done shows on bad boys, I’ve done shows on every kind of man and worked with all different types of man. I did a whole show on bad boys. Men that are bad boys love the seduction part, they love the beginning, they love to make a woman feel and fall for them, it’s part of their ego, they love it, but they won’t follow through. And usually you can tell within the first, it usually lasts about, the length is usually a month to about six weeks before the guy start freaking, when the woman starts getting really attached and then he doesn’t show up and he doesn’t call and he doesn’t make plans and the woman’s already addicted. He won her already, he got her. And you can switch a bad boy around, but that’s like a, that’s a whole show in itself. I did a whole show on it. But there’s, there’s a lot of other phases that we can go to. Now, like for example, when you meet a guy that is securing his vehicle, which means he’s still not, he doesn’t have his life together, often times he may not feel ready to be in a long term committed relationship unless he’s, you know, unless he’s from Idaho or, you know, a smaller town people, they get married very young, the Latin communities get married very young, Indian, people from Indian get married very young, and they build their lives together. So there’s not only the different nationalities and the different belief systems, it’s, but American men are trained to become successful and sort of get their act together before they settle down.
Alissa Kriteman: Right.
Renee Piane: So that’s really one of the challenges and sometimes women will overlook a man who has a lot of potential and say, “Well he doesn’t have his life together, blah, blah, blah”, and believe me, I’ve dated some, some men. The man that I’m married to currently was going through a divorce and, you know, really his wife took him to the cleaners. He didn’t have a whole lot of money, it wasn’t about the money that, that I married him. It was because I saw him and knew that he had created, you know, a lot of wealth in his life, and he just so happened to have it all taken away from him, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t believe that he would create it again.
Alissa Kriteman: Right.
Renee Piane: So women judge men on money alone, ‘cause often times men with money will hide the fact that they have it because they do not want a woman to marry them just because they have success. A lot of men feel very taken advantage of by women, and many men that are successful have the fear of long term commitment because of the divorce process in America.
Alissa Kriteman: You know, we have to wrap up soon, but I want to ask you one more question.
Renee Piane: Okay.
Alissa Kriteman: I love these phases and I think it’s very interesting. What are some keys to a guy who is securing his vehicle, I love that. So that means, here’s a great guy, he doesn’t quite necessarily have his career where he wants it to be or, and I could see where women would just kind of not consider him because he might not be at this, this place, so are there some keys or something that we should look for, and what’s the next phase after he secures his vehicle?
Renee Piane: Well, I mean all men go through that phase just like we do, I mean when we’re grow, I mean why should it be that a man has to have it all together and we don’t, you know?
Alissa Kriteman: Right.
Renee Piane: So it really isn’t fair to be a feminist and to be equal, and then all of a sudden a guy who is in law school or maybe he’s in production school and he wants to be a producer or whatever it is that he is doing, he’s living his dream, working part time so that he can pay for school, you have to look at all the other aspects of his life; does he have balance, is he a good person, does he have values, is he honest, does he come through, you know, is he generous even with, with a small amount of money? Because those are the type of people that you want to have long term in your life. You know, the way they treat their family, the way they treat their friends, the way they’re loved by other people. So that’s why I always say to women, “Slow the process down. Get to know their friends, you know, hang out, you know, have something go wrong, you know, where, to see if he’s going to, to be there for you, you know what I mean?
Alissa Kriteman: Mmm.
Renee Piane: Like some, maybe you’re sick or you’re car breaks down or something like, how is this going to treat your?”
Alissa Kriteman: Yeah.
Renee Piane: So it’s really good to look at the values of men over a long period of time, or even a short period of time. Like for example, I’ll give you my husband for example. When my, when I met my husband, we ended up, we were only dating for a few months and my father had a massive heart attack. And we flew back, and it was right before Christmas of 2002 and my mother had just died. Now my husband ended up helping me take care of my father who had a five-bypass surgery, and the way that he handled my father and the way that he handled me during that time of imagining myself losing my father after six months before then losing my mother.
Alissa Kriteman: Wow.
Renee Piane: Now that wasn’t your ideal dating situation at that time.
Alissa Kriteman: Right.
Renee Piane: But that was the glue in the beginning of my relationships with a man that was going through a divorce, whose wife took him to the cleaners, who was living on a twin bed three thousand miles away. And you’re going to have to wait for the love story for the next show that we do. But I got to tell you, I took him for a test drive because I didn’t want, I didn’t want to get hurt by a man who I knew and, you know, my past and reconnected with him and I took it very slow and built a foundation of friendship and, and loyalty to each other before we jumped in bed, and that is what created an amazing foundation for a long term committed relationship and that’s what all women really are looking for whether, and if they’re not looking for it, it means that, you know, they’ve already been there and done that and they didn’t get fulfilled by it. But a lot of times it’s because they weren’t happy within themselves.
Alissa Kriteman: Mmm.
Renee Piane: And that’s the work that women and men need to do, is get happy first, figure out what makes you tick and tune up your own self, you’re in the drivers seat of your love life. This is what I always tell people, you can complain and bitch all you want, that men don’t do this and women don’t do that, but it’s up to us individually to do the work on our self so that you can then go out into the world being what you want to attract, and that is what makes love work.
Alissa Kriteman: Mmm. Be what you want to attract. I love it. Renee Piane, such a pleasure to have you on Just for Women today. Thank you so much for your dedications really to helping men and women, especially single men and women with your rapid dating. It sound like those are some amazing events that you have and the coaching that you’re doing, really, really insightful and deep, helping people be happy first. Tell us where we can find you.
Renee Piane: Well they can go to the website at www.rapiddating.com, they can call me directly at the office at 310-827-1100 or just [email protected], that’s with 2 d’s, dot com. And, you know, you can find my book, Love Mechanics is on Amazon, it’s, you can get it directly from me so you don’t have to go through Amazon at lovemechanics.com or rapiddating.com, and I do, twice a month I do my own radio show called Love Mechanics, they can just go onto iTunes and find that. So I have really dedicated my life to help people to do the work on themselves and get a love tune-up, honey. If you’re not getting results, there’s something that you’re doing. It’s, you can blame everybody that you want, but you might need to do a tune-up from the inside out.
Alissa Kriteman: I love it, I love it. Everyone I interview is saying the same thing, very similar, that we have to do the work ourselves and, and it’s time and that’s why this show is here, so thank you, thank you for being on the show, thank you for letting people know that there is help out there, there is support out there, we’re not alone, and there’s a ton of information to help us live the life and have the love that we want to have in our lives. And I also want to let the listeners know…
Renee Piane: And the good news is Alissa is that I have helped a lot of people to find it and they always say, “My god, once I switched the way that I was thinking about it, it made it so much easier.”
Alissa Kriteman: Mmm.
Renee Piane: So there is help for everybody out there to find love, I don’t care how old you are, what you look like, you can find it, but you have to be the love you’re asking for first, so.
Alissa Kriteman: I love it.
Renee Piane: Those are my last words of wisdom, and I hope to hear from all of you and I will be back again on another show and we’ll give you some more stuff.
Alissa Kriteman: Thank you. Maybe on the next show we’ll focus on women.
Renee Piane: That would be great. That would be great. Well you have a wonderful day and thank you for doing what you’re doing, I think it’s important for all people out there to have this wisdom and you can never have enough of it, but the thing is you can listen to it but you got to do the work. Got to do the work.
Alissa Kriteman: Yes. We are doing the work. And I also wanted to let our listeners know that they can have text and transcripts of this show and other shows on the Personal Life Media Network at personallifemedia.com or please email me, alissa, a-l-i-s-s-a, @personallifemedia.com. Thank you so much Renee. That brings us to the end of the show. I’m your host Alissa Kriteman always expanding your choices here on Just for Women: Dating, Relationships and Sex. See you next time.
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