Episode 63: Josh Pellicer, on Finding True Love

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Josh Pellicer offers some deep insight into what it takes to find and keep love. Listen in as Josh deconstructs how to find True Love by paying attention to three types of attraction: emotional, logical and sexual. A sweet man with deep wisdom to offer, Josh discusses “Rapport” – the art of building trust and what the tell tale signs are of man who is LYING to us! Great news we can use from an expert in the field! Also, don’t miss Josh’s great overview: Relationship Management 101, as well as the importance of making a man feel like a man!

Transcript

Woman: This program is brought to you by PersonalLifeMedia.com.

[musical interlude]

Alissa Kriteman: Welcome to “Just for Women: Dating, Relationships, and Sex.” I'm your host, Alissa Kriteman. This show is dedicated to providing [xx] modern women with useful information they need to make empowered, conscious choices.

[musical interlude]

Josh Pellicer: Guys are afraid to express sometimes because that shows the weakness of their gender role. If we feel and we're not in control of our emotion, then that shows that we can't really provide and to protect. That’s why a lot of guys are afraid to open up and go in for [xx] because of that.

My Mom told me this, and one of the millionaire business [xx] that I met told me the same thing and that is, “You can tell the merit of someone’s true character by how they treat people they feel are lesser than them.”

Alissa Kriteman: Today on the show, we're talking about “Social Dynamics: The art of connecting with people.” Our guest today is Josh Pellicer, expert coach on rapport.

Josh, welcome to “Just for Women.”

Josh Pellicer: Thanks for having me, this is great.

Alissa Kriteman: Yes, it's a pleasure. You, guys, are the most passionate, vibrant people I've met talking about this information. So, I really appreciate you being here.

Josh Pellicer: It's our life, it's not just what we do. If you got to pick something that you're going to be passionate about, you may as well do it for the rest of your life.

Alissa Kriteman: Exactly. Isn’t that great that we live in a country and a society where that’s actually possible?

Josh Pellicer: I can't believe it. I grew up really, really poor, and to have this opportunity now to live in New York City and to be in Manhattan and to do something that I love to do and my Dad is still doing construction, it's a really amazing thing for me.

Alissa Kriteman: Thank you for that bit of vulnerability. I feel my heart opening.

Josh Pellicer: That’s going to happen a lot. It's the best of the master rapport part.

Alissa Kriteman: Yehey! Okay, so let me tell the audience a little bit about you. Josh Pellicer is co-host of the series satellite radio show, “Game On.” He's also one of the hosts of the popular podcast show, “Pickup Podcast.” Recently, he was featured on the “Today Show” and The New York Daily News talking about what works when relating with women.

So, I'm so happy to have you here.

Josh Pellicer: Yes. Great. Actually, last night, we were spoofed on “Saturday Night Live Show.”

Alissa Kriteman: What do you mean last night, like a rerun?

Josh Pellicer: No, last night, they have the Presidential thing going on.

Alissa Kriteman: Oh, they did?

Josh Pellicer: Yes. So they did the weekend update and they put us on the weekend update. It's ridiculous.

Alissa Kriteman: What did they say? We got to see that.

Josh Pellicer: They just talked about how we have the school and they talked about more of the programs that we had. Then, the line they used in it was, “Because if anybody is knee deep in [xx], it's the teacher [xx] learning at X. The guy says “learning at X,” he's making fun of us. It was really funny. I thought it was great. Twenty seconds of being on “Saturday Night Live” is pretty amazing.

Alissa Kriteman: They say, what is that, when they imitate you, that's the best form of flattery.

Josh Pellicer: Yes, yes. I think it's great. I thought it was fantastic. Actually the guy who did it – his name is Seth Myers and I met him at a bar here in New York once, he sat at my table – we had drinks for a couple of hours, me, him and then another girl from “Saturday Night Live.” It was great and we had really great interaction. It was fun. He is a really funny person, a really nice guy. I really don’t even think he knows the eye on the company he was talking about. It was very funny. I don’t know. I'd sent him an e-mail afterwards thanking him because it's the best publicity ever. We discussed stocks in there but I think he did it by accident, to be honest.

Alissa Kriteman: Well, you're the serendipity guys, so let's get in to talking about this rapport, the art of rapport and what happened with Seth whether or not it was accidental or not. I like to think there are no accidents, but we'll soon find out. So, today, we're going to talk with you about rapport. What it is and why we need to know about it. What it's like to be a teacher? What do you teach men and women about effectively managing a relationship, love, and sex? We haven’t gotten into sex yet, so, Josh, I'm hoping we can go there with you.

Josh Pellicer: I just met you, maybe we need to get to know each other a bit better.

Alissa Kriteman: You have a girlfriend.

Josh Pellicer: I do, I do, but I'll talk about her, Alissa.

Alissa Kriteman: Okay, good. That’s all we want.

Josh Pellicer: Sexual attraction is one of the three components that makes up constant [sp] or true love. It is really important. It's funny to give coaching on sex for somebody because it's such a self-expression. I feel like it's kind of like giving painting instructions. I guess, there are different techniques that people want to learn how to do for painting, too. I just think that to get into the bedroom and you have no influence, whatever you do is just kind of who you are. That’s awesome.

Alissa Kriteman: Yes. So what are the other pieces? You said sexual attraction is a part of true love. What were the other one?

Josh Pellicer: Yes. The [xx] love triangle that was developed by psychologists actually, I think, in the late ‘60s. It get kind of confused, so I had to rewrite it so it made sense. Then I went from there [xx] just my stuff that I evolved [xx] either existing psychology that was just incomplete or different kinds of sales, ideas, and things like that as well that fully promoted different areas and the Modern Gentleman areas and things like that.

But, to the other two parts of that [xx] love triangle are emotional attraction and logical attraction. A logical attraction, essentially, is logistical issues like living in the same place and working at same hours or having off in same hours. Also, having your life direction going the same way is really, really important as well. Religion can be really a big issue. So logical attraction, essentially, is the x-factor or the timing that really screws up most relationships.

Then, emotional attraction is rapport, which is what we're going to get at in today. You can't really create logical attraction in the moment. You can't make your logistics work out now, but you can set your life [xx] that invites more opportunity in the future and that kind of helps your logical attraction.

Alissa Kriteman: Got it! So, what do we need to know? What is rapport? If two people is having a conversation, that’s dialog. So where does rapport come in?

Josh Pellicer: Rapport is kind of fascinating because, in a way, it's exactly why we communicate in the first place. When we start talking with people, it's not like we really get that across. It's we are trying to express emotion than trying to express trust to each other. Rapport, essentially, is direct transfer of emotion from one person to the other.

Alissa Kriteman: Okay, so it is about emotions then. I've heard from my research that what most – I don’t know, you’d should say pickup artists are trying to do is create this emotional connection with the woman because that then leads to sexual activity. So, what's going on with you, guys?

Josh Pellicer: In order to have trust in somebody, I think, it's really important that you build that emotional connection. The only problem with, I think, a lot of pickup artists is they try to fake the emotional connection, and that can be a really big problem. The reason why it's such a huge issue because a) whenever you build this emotional connection with someone, you are showing them who you really are. People become very endeared to who that person is. If it's not really you, then people fall in love with someone who is not even you, which does happen. Women and men [xx] to this. It’s a two-way street. Another big problem with that for a lot of pickup artists is that they – for faking rapport, at least – is because that they don’t feel it at the same time.

So they’ll have a girl who's really invested in them, or even a friend who's really invested in them, and then they have no investment, so it's easy for them to cross the line emotionally and really hurt people. I think that in order to understand and act on an emotional level, you have to understand how it works in the first place, how emotional transfer works. It's a fine line between teaching someone…you don’t want to give a little kid a handgun. It just gets scary, but everyone should know, at least, how rapport works so that they can plug themselves in and know how to make an emotional connection with, if it is necessary, and know when to stir away from that.

Alissa Kriteman: Okay. This is getting good. So how do we know when an emotional transfer is happening? How do we know, “Oh-uh, let's stir out of here.”

Josh Pellicer: There are a lot of different, I guess, indicators that you should stir away. One is, there's something called congruence and congruence is the idea of your body language. What your body language is saying is the same as what your mouth is saying. So this, essentially, is what creates a lot of confidence. Insecurity, you can tell [xx] insecurity because their body language and their verbal language or [xx] don’t match. So whenever there is an incongruence, you can tell they have an insecurity.

Typically, people will try to fake and hide insecurities and that’s what makes them ugly. We know that people have insecurities – everyone has them – but a confident person shows and is open to having insecurities and works at them everyday. Someone who's really ugly, essentially, or who is labeled as insecure is someone who tries to hide those. So you'd get to be able to pick up on whether or not rapport is real. If it's real and everything is matching, then you won't have to worry about…you'll be able to open up completely to somebody.

But a lot of women fall into this trap that guys…women want to make connections so badly with men and they just want it. It's something that separates them from every other guy and makes the woman feel special making this connection. So some guys will pickup on this and they’ll fake the rapport and get women involved and then the guys don’t really like them that much.

Alissa Kriteman: Interesting is that how you perceived it is that women want to connect so badly, because most of what I'm hearing is that women have these guys call them “bitch shields” and this “ice screen” stuff. It's like I hear that and I'm just like, “Oh, my God.”

Josh Pellicer: I've known [xx] that we all have the shields up socially. I think that whenever we don’t know somebody, it's important that we protect ourselves. I think the reason why men and women don’t really understand each other that well because we don’t really get what each other’s gender roles really mean. The female gender role, typically, was supposed to be to nurturer. In the past traditionally, a long time ago, it was physically nurturing, mostly, like raising children and things like that.

But it's not like that anymore. Now, it's emotional nurturing, it's empathy that makes a woman attractive, that’s her gender role – to be able to feel what you feel and feel whatever you want to feel and then makes you to feel comfortable. Get in these people’s heads and get in to the guys’ heads and make them feel desired and make them feel comfortable, happy, protected, and everything just as a man, as a friend and as a lover as well.

So a lot of women, obviously, want to feel like they can do this. But the weakness of that gender role, the weakness of the nurturer role is that women, typically, tend to feel often and then get taken advantage when they should be feeling for somebody. So they’ll feel they have empathy for somebody that is kind of a negative person or somebody who they don’t see that this person is bad for them, essentially. They open up to them and then this person takes advantage of them. This can happen over and over and over again in a relationship especially for women and, typically, it turns a lot of women away from guys. In general, it makes them put up what people call “bitch shields.” It's kind of just an ignorant way of saying, “Yeah, they're not opening up to you.”

Alissa Kriteman: Right. There is work on both parts I'm hearing from what you're saying, is for women to not get overly emotional and into men before they actually really know them, even though they have this desire to connect so badly and to actually be selective.

Josh Pellicer: Yes, being selective for a woman is huge, definitely.

Alissa Kriteman: So let's talk about that for a minute. How do you [xx] women in being selective and not…because what you're saying is the power that a woman has is to provide this empathy and nurturing and desire for a man even though she might be bringing home all the money. I mean, like you said, these roles have definitely changed. But to be selective about this guy and to really know when she is pouring that energy into this person that’s actually really going to be reciprocated. So, what are some telltale signs?

Josh Pellicer: Ultimately, if there's one thing that women can do, just in general, to help them be more selective in the right way… because I think women are very selective. I just think that they're being selective for the wrong things right now.

Alissa Kriteman: Okay.

Josh Pellicer: There's so many options as men that are just weak, so women are starting to get this mentality of “the lesser of two evils” kind of idea. He's not horrible. He's not a complete jerk. He's so cool, but that’s not what making you a selective woman. So it's what are you really trying to look for? Each woman should really ask themselves this. This is a really important question because it helps you select. I think that what women typically have in focusing on was signs of confidence and not actual confidence. So guys can fake signs of confidence, in case you hadn’t already noticed. A lot of guys can fake this.

So, what you should be looking for is a complete telltale sign of an actually attractive man is his desire to grow and become better. If you see this in a man, this is really a confident man. If he grows and isn’t a stubbornness, a guy who is super stubborn on personal issues, they won't look at themselves with a critical eye and try to improve themselves daily, you should really stir away from. Typically, there are guys who are depreciating assets. They're not getting any more valuable everyday. They're not, and a lot of guys are like this, and women should really for these ideas in the beginning instead of testing for confidence, or what seems to be confidence, because guys are learning how to fake that.

Alissa Kriteman: I know. It's amazing, isn’t it? Okay, I really appreciate this information. So acts of confidence, like literal acts of confidence, and his desire to grow. I think that’s why women are getting so pissed off is like with this pickup stuff and it's like women want to connect and have sex, men want to connect and have sex, then there's this other weird stuff getting in the way. Why do they have to act that way? It's a whole big story. There's approach anxiety, there's this. But what you're saying is just slow down and really look at the guy.

Josh Pellicer: It's not just looking at the guy either. Everyone needs education. You think about this. Sixty percent of communication is body language, which is actually a pretty conservative estimate, I've seen higher numbers than that. But if 60% of communication is body language and 20% is tonality [sp], and the only conscious amount, the last 20%, is what they're saying, why are so many people being fooled by what's [xx] saying now?

Alissa Kriteman: Right. Right.

Josh Pellicer: It doesn’t make any sense. What's happening is women now and guys, too, are taking this 20% and just overriding everything else with it. I think that, ultimately, body language plays such a huge part, it's an unconscious thing. A lot of people don’t recognize, they don’t have a violent response to a conscious level. So, whenever women see a guy, it's something that lives in your own conscious mind, it's provoked by emotion instead of you actually thinking about it consciously. So you recognize body language, which you do recognize patterns, and body language very quickly, especially women are very, very quick at this. Your unconscious mind is so much more powerful recognizing patterns than your conscious mind is.

So women are recognizing these unconscious body language movements but they don’t know why they don’t like it. So instead of going, “This guy is leaning in right now, he's acting needy. He's body language is facing me completely and then he's mouth like he's saying he doesn’t need me, but actually, he does.”

Alissa Kriteman: Yes, exactly.

Josh Pellicer: Instead of saying like perking it down so you can actually realize why this is happening, a lot of people don’t see that and so all they do is they go, “He seems creepy.”

Alissa Kriteman: It seems [xx]. I'll make one point, and then we've got to take a break. Kim will resonate with this because she's reading a book called “Power Versus Force,” which I have read and Jordan won’t like because he doesn’t like all the metaphysical stuff. But, what the book said is that we know, our bodies know whether we like or dislike something and we don’t even have to see it. They did this whole test where they had this really nice pictures and really awful pictures in an envelope and they did this muscle testing. The body knew, just from like the energy in the envelope, what it liked and didn’t like. So let's figure that into it now.

Alright. So we're going to take a short break to support our sponsors and listeners, please check out these ads and sponsors. Their ads, created by my sponsors for my show and they help me bring these great experts to “Just for Women.” So if you can support them, I would greatly appreciate it. This is Alissa Kriteman, I'm with Josh Pellicer. We will be right back to talk more about what we need to know about connecting with the opposite sex.

[podcast break]

Alissa Kriteman: We're back. I'm Alyssa Kriteman. We're speaking with Josh Pellicer. Before the break, we were talking about what's important for a woman in choosing a man and how being selective is so important? What are the keys to being selective? All fascinating information. So now, Josh, I want to talk to you a little bit about what it's like to be a teacher? What's going on with this? Benjamin talks a little bit about it, you’ve got a whole variety of programs for men from a very simple e-book to a live-in, weeklong emergent [sp] in this work. So from your perspective, what's going on here?

Josh Pellicer: I moved up here with Johnny and Jordan to start the company. When I moved up here, I didn’t have anything. When I moved up here, I was sleeping on a pile of my dirty clothes and I [xx]. I didn’t have anything in New York. I didn’t know anybody, I didn’t have any money. We just had enough money barely to pay us the following month’s rent, and then that’s it. But we came here on this skill set that we had, that we could teach, and knowing that this will all work out. We went through a lot of rough times, but we constantly focused 100% of our energy towards making this company better and making our curriculum better and really searching for results for people. Our goal, essentially, is that we have every client that comes out says they have a life-changing experience, and it's happened. It's more effective than I ever seen in anything else, and the guys have come in.

I coach people, all sorts of people. I've coached Olympic athletes. I've coached high up executives. I've coached young guys who are 16 years old to a guy who’s 63 years old. We have coaching coaches classes for women as well that are [xx] by Kim, like you're saying, Kimberly Ellington, who’s, in my opinion, one of the best female dating coaches in the world. I've never met anybody like her. Our team and our mentality with business and everything is just so spot on, it's just so positive. If you're going to do something for everyday for the rest of life, it should make you happy.

Alissa Kriteman: Absolutely.

Josh Pellicer: That’s why this company is such an amazing company. I really think that major differences in us and every other company even comes close to us is that we practice what we preach.

Alissa Kriteman: Yes. I think that’s so important that you actually live what you're teaching. I think that’s the telltale sign when people are out there. There's so many courses you could take that the people are actually living from. It sounds like you’ve all left other careers and things to come and do this and promote this in the world.

Josh Pellicer: Yes. I'm not sure if I had a career I left really. I was a bar manager in a bar, but that wasn’t really a career.

Alissa Kriteman: That’s a career, that is a valid career.

Josh Pellicer: I don’t know. This is my [xx] business though. I have own other businesses in the past and I hold true the idea that relationships and businesses and decisions, life in general, that a good relationship isn’t found, you don’t just find one. You have to build it out of spare parts from lesser relationship.

Alissa Kriteman: I was just thinking that what you were talking about, there's a lot of this idea about value and perceived value. You, guys, are really dispelling a lot of this, I don’t know, I guess, I'll say pickup stuff, there's no other term for it, really, that I've been…

Josh Pellicer: Unfortunately.

Alissa Kriteman: ….yes, reading about, but you, guys, are saying, “No, we, as men, should give value and it's a whole different paradigm. So, in this day and age, what makes a man have value?

Josh Pellicer: Like I said, the gender roles have changed less for women than men and traditionally, the gender role for men was his value, was that he provides and protects physically. He was a good hunter and he was very big or strong, protect. But that changed, obviously. A lot of men who are much smaller now would be seemingly more attractive to women, and that doesn’t make any sense for a provider-protector mentality from a true sense. What happened was society can't come in and changed everything for gender roles. So now, instead of being a provider and protector physically it's a social provider and a social protector that brings value to men. So that’s what women are truly are attracted to the qualities of socially providing and socially protecting.

Value, essentially, is one of the ways that we demonstrate that we have qualities like these. We make other people essentially happy just to be around us. My Mom told me this, too, and actually, funny because my Mom told me this. One of the millionaire business [xx] that I met told me the same thing, and that is, “You can tell the merit of someone’s true character by how they treat people they feel is lesser than them.”
So like that higher help is one of those things. I think, a lot of mothers tell their daughters, too, and you can tell how a guy’s going to treat you after he sleeps with you.

Alissa Kriteman: Right.

Josh Pellicer: By how he treats the servers and higher helps. That’s true. It's not that a guy wants to be mean that he feels like he's inadequate and they feel insecure. Then if other people step all over them, he's going to have no value whatsoever. But the value of actually being just a powerful, confident man is the most pure value you can have and I know a lot of guys don’t know how to express that. So it's just to confusion really. It's just a misunderstanding and it's the biggest misunderstanding in history, in my personal opinion.

Alissa Kriteman: Right. I'm glad that you, guys, are doing the work to sort of unearth that and put men on a different path. You, guys, have talked a lot about this modern gentlemen. What is that mean to you?

Josh Pellicer: It's funny because I read a book called “The Modern Gentleman.” This is kind of how I started studying this in the first place where…I studied Zen in the very beginning to be [xx] honest, Zen Buddhism. That’s really how I started breaking stuff down socially. What sounds a little bit strange, but it's really what happened. I was studying kung fu and studying Zen full time working at a gas station. That was my [xx] before I started this.

Alissa Kriteman: You have another book about that. Right?

Josh Pellicer: Yes, I know. Yes, exactly. So, I was studying that and then I read a book essentially called “The Modern Gentleman” that talks about etiquette, but it wasn’t about etiquette. It was about social dynamics mostly and, essentially, it gave me exactly what I needed at that moment to really take my life to the next step. I wasn’t ready for a “why things are happening?” guy yet. I kind of want the how-to. So I started following these ideas and I ended up writing one of the authors an e-mail and then we started corresponding via e-mail. Then, eventually, I met up with him and then they asked me to be a part of writing the third version of the book.

I started researching as much as I possibly could so I can make that happen and I was completely changed by the book. The book is called “The Modern Gentleman” and it was, basically, a book that was trying to teach me how to be this charismatic, c’est l’affair kind of savvy and [xx] learned, I guess, kind of a man. At the time, I was ready to take some kind of step in that direction but, like I said, especially guys, we don’t have anyone to teach us the stuff. I had to learn this. They don’t teach us in school. Your older brother doesn’t know. My Dad has no clue. He got married when he was 18, and he doesn’t know. A lot of our parents, especially in the baby boom time when there's so many kids, so many parents now and so many single parents, people are just jumping all over the place, they got married early because they're scared and they don’t know about social interaction, they just kind of get lucky.

My family and my parents have been happily married since they were young. They still live in a log cabin in [xx] and live near a farm and everything. That’s where they want to be and that’s fantastic. So I think that a lot of people don’t realize that guys don’t have this information. So we have to learn somewhere and we're the people who have to teach it. “The Modern Gentleman,” like I said, is just a catalyst really. It's just a way to get in to people’s heads that they’ll accept, this is something that they really need and want.

Alissa Kriteman: Well, I definitely have to read that book. That sounds like “must have” reading.

Some of the complaints women have about men is that they're needy, they come on too strong. What do you teach a man, specifically, about how not to come off needy?

Josh Pellicer: Needy, this has been the number one killer attraction, that’s for sure. You need to have curiosity in the beginning. What needy does for women is that it makes them not want to chase a guy. That’s scary for women because now she has all these choices that she doesn’t want. So for guys, essentially, what we have to do is to learn how to use our expression in our body language to say the same thing that we want to say. A lot of guys get wrapped up in thinking that they are inadequate, that they don’t have any options, that they're scared. This come across in their body language and women pick up on it. It scares a woman, too.

So what we want to do is we don’t want to have a guy to fake their body language, but we do want to get to the core and fix what's making them scared in the first place. So a lot of guys are, I think, to most part, guys only realize they do this because so many other guys do it and women accept it because there's no other choice right now. I think that a lot of guys see this and they think it’s what they should be doing so they lean in too much in your personal space and they talk to you in the beginning. They start buying you drinks – which is nice sometimes – also, spacing you completely and talking to you too much and thinking about you all the time when they first meet you. They come across as super needy, it just squashes the attraction completely.

What happens is these guys need to think and understand that they're worth something. I think a lot of women don’t realize that guys really feel like women are worth everything and guys have to win them over, that they don’t want them and that is, as you know, is not true. On your end, women think the same thing about men. They're like, “Oh, how do I get his guy to like me? How do I show this guy that I like him?” It's such a twisted miscommunication between men and women. So the first step is understanding what women are saying and what we're are saying as men and that clears up most of the problems, to be completely honest.

Alissa Kriteman: Yes. I just took a course recently with Alison Armstrong called “Men and Sex.” One of the interesting things, just like you were saying, how there's this miscommunication or misunderstanding between men and women. The course leader was saying that how men hold sex with women or how they hold women is that we have all the power. We're going to say yes or we're going to say no, and it's their job to be the chosen one.

I think that’s why guys get a little bit overzealous and want to get in there and all of that stuff. But I don’t think women really realize that guys are actually holding it that way. Why that neediness stuff is coming off that way? It looks like, “Oh, this guy thinks he's overconfident” or something like that. But really, it's a twist in the dynamic that women can really sort of settle into, that they actually have the power not to be abused or anything like that, but how men relate to women is that we have the power.

Josh Pellicer: Yes. I think that a really important thing to say that was where there's power, there will be abuse, and that’s how it is. It's not, obviously, you keep to a minimum. You don’t want to abuse the power, you don’t want to hurt the people in the process of your learning. But in order to know the boundaries of power, men and women both tend to abuse it. I guess, that’s the sad thing, but as almost no way around it. You have to learn how to calibrate everything. Once a woman knows that she has most of the power, typically, it depends on who it is, essentially. If a woman is really confident, she wants to abuse it. But if she is not confident at all, then, typically, they do. That’s why a lot of younger women who develop early, who are very beautiful early on and how a lot of people tell them they're very beautiful, they're abusing that power sometimes.

Alissa Kriteman: Right, which is really, totally not confidence at all. It's actually a lot of insecurity, which is why abusive power happens.

Alright, we're going to take a little break. But when we come back, I want to talk more about this. It's really interesting stuff. So we're going to take a short break to support our sponsors. Again, these are my sponsors kicking down some great deal for everybody, so I'd really appreciate it if you support them. They support me.

Listeners, feel free to send me an e-mail at [email protected]. Or, you can leave a message at this phone number – 206-350-5333. I'd love to hear your feedback, comments, and questions. This is Alissa Kriteman. I'm speaking with Josh Pellicer. We will be right back.

[podcast break]

Alissa Kriteman: We're back. I'm Alissa Kriteman. We're talking with Josh Pellicer. Really, again, I just have to say you, guys, are very, very on top of your game, so to speak, very knowledgeable. I really appreciate the depths of where you can go in this interview. So I just want to give some props to you. You really know what you're talking about.

Josh Pellicer: Yes. I've been quoting this a lot today, I don’t know why, but of all people, Donald Trump’s father said something that changed Donald Trump’s life. They said that, “Know everything there is to know about what you're doing.” I think that if you're going to be interacting with people and, eventually, if you hope to be married and happy for the rest of your life raising children, you should know everything there is to know about that, everything and anything there is to know. It's worth your time because it's when you're going to spend the rest of your life with this person. So it's the biggest investment of your life.

Alissa Kriteman: It's so funny, that’s true because we think love is just going to happen, relationship is just going to happen, and we've realized that the divorce rate the way that it is, but that’s not actually the case.

Josh Pellicer: Yes. I've hoped to fix that. One of my main goals is to lower that rate. I think it's unfair for the kids, be completely honest.

Alissa Kriteman: Absolutely. Kim and I were talking about that on our interview. So what do you have to offer people about relationship management? What are some key? What do we need to know?

Josh Pellicer: First, for women – this is going to be a really interesting conversation, actually – you don’t really need to know that much about it. I know you need to know how to make a man feel like a man, but if you want the guy to lead, your man to lead your relationship, then he has to have a lot of information that he probably doesn’t have. Like I said, most of the problems really aren’t just the women, most of the problems spun with guys overcompensating or trying different things and they're not working out. But, at the same time, it's a mentality that guys are going to have to step up and lead now in a position where, for the past 20 years or so, it's been scary to lead as a man.

So, ultimately, the number one thing for women to know that will help out immediately for relationship management is to know how to make a man feel like a man. This will set you apart…I tell you right now, I have a girlfriend – her name is Tatiana, she's great – and I'm dating her exclusively. Before I started dating her, I was dating all sorts of women. But, I broke up with every woman I was dating then, [xx] so everyone know by each other but I broke up with all my girlfriends and started dating Tatiana exclusively.

I'll tell you the two reasons why I started dating her exclusively. It wasn’t because – and she's gorgeous, definitely, I have to say that for sure – but that was just luck on my end. The two things that really made her speak with me – because I've been with gorgeous someone before it doesn’t really matter that much – was a) their drive and desire as a woman, that was really sexy to me. That really set her apart from all the rest of the girls that I was dating. That she would take in what I had to say, my opinions even, and then think about it. If it was something that’s valid, she'd change what she was doing for her own self, but she would improve herself everyday. Like I said, she's an appreciating asset, essentially, just like I do it myself as well. That was one. But the other one, was that she really knew how to make me feel like a man, like all the time. She'd say one little thing, it will just make me feel like it didn’t matter what anyone thought of me in the entire world.

Alissa Kriteman: What was she speaking to? We want details here.

Josh Pellicer: Sure, of course. I think, the major thing was that, like I said, she was speaking to my drive to be a provider-protector. I'm a small guy and I'm not super tiny but I'm small. Really, probably, I weigh about 145, not that big. I'm about 5’9” or 5’10”. I'm not that huge, but she’ll call me like “You, big, strong man.” That little thing will really just make me feel like I don’t need any other woman.

Alissa Kriteman: It's like you're her hero. Would you say that?

Josh Pellicer: Yes, and she would say that, too, for sure. She's like she says she's my biggest fan and she has an enormous amount of respect for me. Because she has an enormous amount of respect for me and I have an enormous amount of respect for myself, it's easy for me to have an enormous amount of respect for her.

Alissa Kriteman: Right.

Josh Pellicer: As a woman, if you're giving a man a lot of respect and he's not getting it back to you is because he does not respect himself. That’s why, that’s because he didn’t like you. So, typically, you have to work at it. Like I've said, you don’t find a perfect relationship, you have to build it. So you're not going to meet the perfect guy, you're going to meet a guy with a *** potentials – forgive my language – and…

Alissa Kriteman: I love it. I always say that.

Josh Pellicer: …you’ll be able to cultivate it or you won't and that’s what women should really be looking for as potential.

Alissa Kriteman: Alright, let's talk about an example. This is really good stuff. Thank you for diving down in here. So if a woman is in a relationship with a man, her husband say, and she finds herself not respecting him, what does she do?

Josh Pellicer: If you find yourself not respecting your husband, typically, it's a matter of switching of gender roles. What happen is sometimes you'll meet a guy and he's playing in his gender role like normal, he’ll be a provider-protector and it's a very attractive quality. Eventually, in a relationship, sometimes guys and girls tend to switch roles. So at some point, you may find out that you're playing the provider-protector role and he's playing this nurturing role. Whenever a guy plays a nurturing role, the woman has to protect and provide as defaults.

Now, whenever this happens, that means that women don’t feel like women. You feel like you're doing the man’s job and that’s not what you want to do, typically. Typically, you want to do your job, you want to be women, you want to be powerful women. Guys thought equality as being the same, and that was a big screw up, it was a big misunderstanding. It's not that women want to be the same, they just want to be equal. So that was a big problem. Guys didn’t see that, they thought that equality meant that they had to be nurturers and women had to be provider-protectors.

So sometimes in relationship, they’ll switch, and whenever that happens, women typically get very unhappy because they're doing all the providing and protecting. Then they tend to lose respect for the man that they're with because he's not using the provider-protector role, he's the nurturer. Now, they're both unhappy. The guy feels like he can't make his woman happy as your husband can't make you happy and you feel you don’t respect him because you're doing whatever it is that you say to do which sometimes isn’t really what you want to do.

Alissa Kriteman: Exactly. You need some balls there.

Josh Pellicer: Yes, exactly. In the nurturing perspective, the way to get a guy back from that though is to introduce him back into his old passions. So if he had something that made him feel like a man they did like working out. Some kind of physical is always awesome. Martial arts, investing, business, development, things like these that help men feel like they're providing and protecting. If you take on a nurturing role, even though he's not really ready to provide and protect yet, he’ll automatically default back to how it's used to be and the relationship will clear up.

Alissa Kriteman: Good. That is like gold information right there, right off the top of your head. I really like that. No pussy footing around, this is how you do it. Introduce the guy back to his passions, the things that make him feel like a protector and provider. Then, women take on the more nurturing role because what you're saying is when a woman has lost respect for a man, the gender roles have flipped.

Josh Pellicer: Yes, typically, yes.

Alissa Kriteman: Typically.

Josh Pellicer: There's also some kind of issue where she feels unwanted in that insecurity of hers. But usually, that’s not the case. Usually, the case is that the gender roles have flipped and no one notices it.

Alissa Kriteman: It's so easy for women, especially if there's children and a career to get into that, like, do, do, do mode and not settle in to the nurturing aspect of it.

Josh Pellicer: Absolutely, especially if you're a single mom. I've seen this over and over and over again with single moms. I've coached a lot actually of single moms, specifically because of these issues that it's knowledge. We just need to know more about why is it that it's screwing up? There is a system to interaction, in psychology interaction. It's not rocket science, don’t feel scary to think about this. But at the same time, you only want to know a minimum amount, to be honest, because then you'd go through life about…instead of seeing movies, you see actors. Instead of seeing magic, you see an illusion, and that’s not very fun sometimes.

Alissa Kriteman: Well, that’s the thing then. I think about sometimes when I hear all of these, like “Breaking it down, you can control the situation.” But, what about romance and spontaneity and passion? So I'm definitely getting a schooling on what actually feeds and feels as passion and all those things, is actually understanding the system of how people interact.

Josh Pellicer: Yes, definitely. Like I said, for women typically, I would say…as a man, I'll tell you what I feel. I feel like being able to produce this magic trick, like magic happiness or magic positive relationship over and over and over again, is where I have a lot of value. Women, if they want to know, I'll teach them. But like my girlfriend now, she only wants to know what she really needs to know. She wants to be like magic every time. She wants to be romantic. She doesn’t want to know the system behind the [xx] time.

Alissa Kriteman: Exactly.

Josh Pellicer: But, you do need to know a minimum amount. You do need to know exactly what ever plays into your gender role that you want to play. Like this day and age, you don’t have to be a nurturer as a woman. You can be a provider-protector. In fact, lesbians and gay men, the only difference between them at all is their gender role, and we always attract our opposing gender role. So whenever a woman is a provider-protector because she has children, why do you think she attracts a weak man over and over and over again? It doesn’t make any sense but it does. It seems counterproductive, but it is.

Yes, she has to be the nurturer in that situation, and they will be. Guys, they come up and they see you, and women of the world, need to know that they are fooling everybody. Every single guy thinks that they want to be provider-protector when they act like one, but guys do not know. In public, I would say, you'd want to, or at least whenever you're around the man, you feel is worthy. You'd want to play the nurturing role, and by default, every guy has to the ability to be a nurturer and a provider-protector. So you have to just bring that ability out of them, just like every woman has the ability to be provider-protector and a nurturer as well. The things I teach my guys is to be able to bring out what it means to make a woman feel like a real woman, like a really attractive, pure woman. That usually is enough to make everyone happy.

Well, a lot of guys think that, like I said, this question of guys thinking that equality meant similarities, which isn’t the case. So that automatically a lot of guys like me, they think that girls want to be these macho girls. Girls want to be dainty. They want to be little usually. They want to be protected and cared for, like physically cared for. Whenever they're walking on the street and they're feeling and they're being expressive emotionally, they want a guy to make sure they don’t walk up alone in the street.

So they want to be able to feel and overly empathies with us. Women want to feel like they can empathize with us men and still feel like they are protected enough to walk around and function in society. Learning how to do that really is the major attractive quality of a man. But to teach a guy how to do that is to educate them on how to do this magic trick over and over again and how to act, essentially.

So when people see a movie…like I said, whenever I see a movie, I see a movie but a really good actor sees actors. Now, forever, they're going to see actors in a movie and that’s how it is. But I don’t know anything about acting, so now movies are still really exciting to me. I have to know about, essentially, how to act as a man and how to create this magic trick over and over again. We have to teach these guys what it means to be able to control their own lives and the situation they're in so they can allow this woman to come in and feel feminine.

Alissa Kriteman: It's so true. It's like you're giving them new eyes, really, because if you're an actor or anyone who does anything regarding film, you look at a film and you see something totally different. You know that workings of what's going on there where everybody else is like, “Oh, cool, funny, great.” So, it's the same with relationship dynamics. What you're saying is it sounds like to me men, do what inspires her feminine; ladies, do what inspires the masculine and really learn and understand what that is become really effective. Like you said, if you're going to be in a relationship for the rest of your life, you might as well know how to be effective at it.

Josh Pellicer: Yes, definitely. It's a skill set just like anything else. I can definitely say that as a man that has studied and teaches professionally and, essentially – I'm held as being one of the best dating coaches in the world, and especially, in reading body language and rapport – I can tell you for sure that when I see somebody, I see the entire matrix now. I mean, I see everything happen. It isn’t like I see an interaction and I feel in the interaction, I choose to feel now what I feel in the interaction.

Like with my girlfriend, I had to choose to go on a rapport. I know what's happening. It's like [xx] and a course that I can make it happen whatever I need to know and whenever I really need to create a bond with someone that I really love and I need to know how I feel, I can do that now when I have that power. But at the same time, it doesn’t feel the same. Then, I don’t want to subject the woman that I'm dating to lose that core ability to be a woman, that core empathizing ability and just being expressive in the feeling. I know that you said that Jordan doesn’t like to talk about mysticism.

Alissa Kriteman: Yes, you better stay away from him.

Josh Pellicer: No, he's great. He's very grounded though. He is, essentially, how a man thinks. A man thinks exactly like, “Look, can I see it? Can I feel it?” It's not, “Where is it?”

Alissa Kriteman: Right. Right.

Josh Pellicer: He's got to be sensitive. I think that things are more complicated than people think they are. I think that whenever you have two different envelopes of nasty pictures or good pictures – is that what you're saying it was and they couldn’t see them yet?

Alissa Kriteman: Right.

Josh Pellicer: Does the person handing them the pictures know? That makes a big difference.

Alissa Kriteman: No. I don’t think…

Josh Pellicer: Okay.

Alissa Kriteman: …anybody knows. I don’t know. Check up “Power versus Force.”

Josh Pellicer: Yes. If it's a double blind test, these are interesting.

Alissa Kriteman: Yes, I think it was.

Josh Pellicer: But at the same time, and I've seen tests like this and I've seen different results for them. But typically, I really think we underestimate our ability to read people. We see this tiny, new, [xx] if you're talking to someone, you're like, “I don’t know why, but I think this guy is lying to me right now.”

Alissa Kriteman: Good! I am right there with you. I tried to have this conversation with Jordan but it was not happening. So I really feel like, yes, you and I are totally on the same page right now. Women are naturally tempt into their intuition, but having a guy…and my fiancé is definitely a cookie cutter of you – size, height, all of that. He's not a big guy but he is so tapped in. It's like he knows exactly what's going on in a situation, what's going to work, what to provide. That kind of mastery, it's like then I get to relax. Just like you're girlfriend sounds like, too. It's like, that’s powerful when a man can really have a big enough heart to see the situation, see what's going on and provide what's needed. I mean, that’s like grace right there.

Josh Pellicer: Yes. Jordan definitely understands this and he's really amazing at this. He thinks what I think, too. I really think that there's something going on. I think that we're very, very intelligent animals. I think that our recognition of body language – I think that’s what you're saying – especially women who have a natural ability just because they do really need to trust their emotions. So they tend to cultivate this ability when they're young. A lot of guys tend to shy away from it so then they don’t trust their emotions as much. That’s how it is. Guys are afraid to express sometimes because that shows the weakness of their gender role. If we feel that we're not in control of our emotions, then it's just that we can't really provide and to protect. So a lot of guys are afraid to open up and go in for [xx] because of that.

Alissa Kriteman: Again, isn’t that just misinformation? This whole thing about collapsing. You can't collapse a guy, so then what's the line of collapsing? Then, actually, to say, “Well, I'm really hurt right now” and the difference is maintaining that eye contact.

Josh Pellicer: Yes. I think that the reason why guys look away, anyone looks away actually, is because they don’t want one to read them. So I know a lot about body language, a whole lot about body language. Eye access and cues, which direction you look to access that part of your brain is a really important part of that.

Alissa Kriteman: What is it? Dancing cues?

Josh Pellicer: It's called “eye accessing cues.” So you access, giving part to your brain using cues, like you cue different directions and you access those with your eyes. So you look at different directions and it says how you're thinking. It doesn’t say what you're thinking but it will say how you are.

Alissa Kriteman: Like left brain, right brain?

Josh Pellicer: Yes, part of it. Left brain, right brain does it, but also up and down does it as well. If you take that and add it to context, so if I ask you a question and then you ask your brain for a certain part, they could actually access certain parts of your brain in that moment. I can pretty much tell what you're thinking, it's easy to do. I've done it several times. This has really helped a lot of people “read” minds.

Alissa Kriteman: Yes.

Josh Pellicer: The whole mystical idea is that we tune in to these little cues instead of stealing something, we ask, “Why do I feel this way?” For example, I can tell if someone is lying to me. So a lot of different cues. Actually, women might want to know this, this is really important.

Alissa Kriteman: Tell us, and then we got to go.

Josh Pellicer: Okay, sure. Typically, if you ask someone a question that you should know the answer to, so “Where were you last night?” is a common question. I wouldn't ask you like that, obviously, because that’s going to be an abrasive question, [xx]. But let's say that, they're [xx] sensitive in this case, so “Where were you last night?” Typically, I should look, just glance up in to my right just for a moment because I'm accessing my visual memory. If I'm a visual person, I'll access my visual memory. So, right, the right hand side is memory and then up is visual.

So I'm accessing this and I'm telling you things that had happened about the night. But I don’t do that and I look down, that means I'm accessing my emotions. Now, that means that something emotional may have happened to me last night or I may feel bad about what I'm about to tell you. So that’s the beginning of an indicator. If I start to explain what happened and I look up into the left, it's almost a direct indicator that I'm making this up on the spot. Left is your creative visual cue. So if you look to the left and up, it's visual creative brain. So, if you have that, a lot of guys look up into the left, start to answer, all they’ll say, “I did not do this yesterday. I did not go to the bar last night.” When they say not, they strategically blink every single time they say it. So they keep asking them to say the question, every single time, they will blink. That’s the beginning and there's a lot more to it to go with that. There's a whole lot of different cues that if you can tell in someone’s mind, you’d be, ultimately, you got to ask yourself, why do you want to know so bad.

Alissa Kriteman: Why you're with someone who might be lying to you?

Josh Pellicer: Exactly. So like I said, it's really interesting to know when people are really like to tune in to that, but at the same time, it's good and bad.

Alissa Kriteman: You better be careful, the government is going to come and snap you up.

Josh Pellicer: I've already had a situation actually where I [xx] read a guy and told him that I work for the FBI and he's really freaked out. He pulled out his bag and he had a gun.

Alissa Kriteman: Oh, my God!

Josh Pellicer: He's at a party, no one knows he's an FBI agent at all the entire party. I go, “He’s my friend. He works for the FBI” and I didn’t know. He goes, “Stop.” He looked at me and he reached for his back for a second, “Who are you? How did you know? What are you doing here?” I'm just, “No, no. That’s what I do for a living.”

Alissa Kriteman: Holy wow! You are an expert.

Josh Pellicer: We can always be better, so I did master it. I always grow.

Alissa Kriteman: Oh, man, Josh, you're amazing! I could talk to you all day, but unfortunately, we've got to get going here. Wow! Thank you so much.

Josh Pellicer: Of course.

Alissa Kriteman: I am just blown away by your level of understanding and comprehension, and actually, ability to give back information in a way that we can actually decipher?

Josh Pellicer: Dicipher, it's like digesting and deciphering it at the same time.

Alissa Kriteman: Exactly. See, you knew. I could see why your girlfriend loves you, man. You're just easy, it's great.

Josh Pellicer: Yes, she's great. She's easy to love, too. I'm happy with her.

Alissa Kriteman: Yummy, yummy. Listen, remind us again where we can find you.

Josh Pellicer: I am a host on “Game On” on Maxim Radio, which is directed completely [xx]. It's really of myself [xx], it's like these most fantastic people I could possibly find. We are all hyper intelligent in whatever kind of way we really need to be. So I am the expert on the curriculum and things that I do.

Alissa Kriteman: Thank you so much, Josh Pellicer, for being with us today and giving us your deep wisdom and insight.

Josh Pellicer: Anytime. Thank you so much for having me.

Alissa Kriteman: Yes. Listeners, join us next week where on “Just for Women,”. It's been such a fun, fun, fun ride with you, guys. Thank you so much. That brings us to the end of this show. Thank you all for listening.

For text and transcripts of this show and other shows on the Personal Life Media Network, please visit our website at PersonalLifeMedia.com. For a copy of my book, “Alissa’s Four Cornerstones to Living Your Dreams,” just visit SacredSpa.org and click on the book cover icon.

I'm your host, Alissa Kriteman, always expanding your choices here on “Just for Women: Dating, Relationships, and Sex.” Tune in next week for more juicy news you can use.

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