Episode 41 - IGNITING ORGASMIC MEDITATION with Nicole Daedone

Transcript

Francesca Gentille: Welcome to Sex: Tanta and Kama Sutra, bringing you the Soul of Sex.  I’m your host, Francesca Gentille and with me today is Nicole Daedone, founder of One Taste Urban Retreat Center.

Nicole Daedone: So you know that feeling when you see people who have just fallen in love, and it’s really clear that there’s something around them specifically? There’s a feeling that’s about them. Well, that’s what I mean by a field. And there’s an orgasmic field that we develop and, well, it’s very simple.  It’s just what happens when people open; especially when they open a connection.

We’re so trained to believe that our bodies aren’t miraculous things, but there’s this incredible feeling of having, you know, my finger on the clitoris and feeling this tiny electrical jolt and like actually feeling the electricity of another human’s body is one of the most profound experiences you can have.

The one factor that has orgasm occur at a higher rate is the experience of safety.

Francesca Gentille: Wow.

Nicole Daedone:  So if you can provide the experience of somebody feeling safe, or learning your own body to feel safe in any situation then you’ll have greater and greater access to orgasm.

[music]

Francesca Gentille:  Nicole, welcome.  It’s my pleasure. 

You know, Nicole, the reason that I wanted to have you here on our show about the Soul of Sex is that there is something that actually I’m just learning myself about your Urban Retreat Center that helps people - I would call it somehow deepen or expand their ability to be present in the world with everything they are and with one another. 

And there is a tool that you use for this, like a practice. You know, they don’t call it spiritual practice for nothing. And that’s that it’s called the Ahh Meditation. Could you tell us what that is?

Nicole Daedone:  Well, it’s equal parts meditation and orgasm and what it does is it takes this fundamental  energy that’s in our bodies, that’s extremely volatile and intense and powerful and then it wraps it up in a practice or context; that being the meditation aspect.  And then it’s two people focusing on one person’s orgasm until what begins to happen is almost like this field begins to wrap around people and you begin to sit in one orgasm together. And that’s the meditation part.

And so we do it with an intense amount of focus really on the sensation in each person’s body.  And it’s deeply sensory and at the same time it is deeply connected.

Francesca Gentille:  And there are some terms in there like a field that wraps around people.

Nicole Daedone: Right.

Francesca Gentille:  I love the concept of that. You know I almost see this meadow that my beloved and I are both sitting in.

Nicole Daedone: Right.

Francesca Gentille:  Could you say a little bit more about what that means?

Nicole Daedone:  See, you know that feeling when you see people who have just fallen in love and it’s really clear that there’s something around them specifically? There’s a feeling that’s about them. That’s what I mean about a field.  And there’s an orgasmic field that we develop and really it’s very simple it’s just what happens when people open; especially when they open in connection.

Francesca Gentille: Some people open and connect like we see with new love.

Nicole Daedone: Right.

Francesca Gentille: There’s something really deep and powerful that is literally palpable. We can feel it if we’re standing next to it.

Nicole Daedone: Right.

Francesca Gentille: And when you see orgasmic meditation - I think of an orgasm or the technical term for orgasm is that kind of over the top, you know when you come to that point and the body shutters and, you know, for men there’s a refractory period and they normally ejaculate. 

A refractory means there’s a time period between a man’s ejaculation when he can have an erection and ejaculation again. And for women, we can become multi-orgasmic and so we have our shuttering, our clinching of the vulva and then we can orgasm again. That’s not what you’re talking about, is it?

Nicole Daedone: No. What we’re talking about is a moment immediately preceding that shudder or that expulsion. And it’s most heightened point of sensation – it’s actually the highest point of purification in the body - or the point where the most energy is coursing through your body. So everyone knows that point. Right before you’re ready to go over the edge and your body starts shaking and it’s so intense and we go over the edge, precisely because it’s so intense.

We take the most pleasurable moments in our waking life and then we end them immediately. We go over that edge. So this practice is about learning how to sustain that energy field. And once you learn how to sustain that energy field you can experience it in any part of your life.

You can experience really high energy sensations, you know, like the feeling of somebody yelling at you. What happens sometimes for people is it feels like the curtains just close the minute something intense happens. Well if you learn really how to sustain that field, then you can have a lot more freedom in your overall life.

Francesca Gintille: [inhales] what I want to do is just breathe that in. And I’m going to invite our listening audience to do the same thing is, [inhales] to really breathe in. That it’s possible to expand our ability to stay with, to be with very intense emotions, feelings, sensations.

And there’s something possible that happens in our life, maybe in the quality of our life, when we have that. And I’m going to talk a little bit more about what that is. And some practices that our listening audience could even begin to experiment with at home.

Nicole Daedone:  Great.

Francesca Gintille: Or as they can connect with you as well. After a break and a word from our fabulous sponsors that are hand-picked. They support our show and I really encourage our listening audience to use our sponsors because that helps these kinds of shows to continue to exist in the world.

Nicole Daedone: Wonderful.

Francesca Gintille:  We’ll be right back.

[Commercial]

Francesca Gentille: Welcome back to Sex: Tanta and Kama Sutra bringing you the Soul of Sex. We’re talking with Nicole Daedone, founder of One Taste Urban Retreat Center - a wonderful place to learn more about where human beings go to stay in the energy of that expand, that -and we were talking about in that expansion, not only the pleasure but there’s something that expands in our ability to hold all emotions.

Nicole Daedone: Right

Francesca Gentille: Why do we want to do that? What does our life look like before expansion and then after expansion?

Nicole Daedone: I know for me there was a way that I was held hostage by certain places that I couldn’t go - like reconnecting with my sex, really, especially, you know, as a woman.  It’s a big deal because there are all of these aspects that I couldn’t be.

Like I couldn’t be like super-sexy and turned on. Or I wasn’t a good woman. And there is a way that, for me, I just have greater freedom of expression; for me, the idea of Utopia is when we all have right access to the right response to any situation. So there were a lot of responses I didn’t have access to for a long period of time. Like my anger - I had stuffed it down for so long that it came out in these really weird ways; like it came out of the side of my neck or something. Or like if I felt an intense attraction to somebody, I was so used to like clamping against that attraction that it would come out where I’d be really shy, and then I’d be chasing after them. It kind of stuttered, my life kind of stuttered. So really what it brought for me and brings for me is this sense of fluidity.

Francesca Gentille: You know one of the ways that I term that is we’ve heard the term functional versus dysfunctional.

Nicole Daedone: Right.

Francesca Gentille: And when I hear what you say, I’m hearing that there is a way that most of us are trained to live; very suppressed and we literally lose our functions.

Nicole Daedone: Right

Francesca Gentille:  Anger is a function.

Nicole Daedone: Right

Francesca Gentille: Passion is a function

Nicole Daedone: Right

Francesca Gentille: Tears are a function. Fear is a function.

Nicole Daedone: Right.

Francesca Gentille: And suddenly we are dysfunctional. We cannot access our functions. And so by practicing this kind of work, I strengthen my ability to have my functions and reclaim my functions. So suddenly I’m living - woo-hoo - a functional life and putting the fun back in functional.

Nicole Daedone: Absolutely. Yeah. And it’s funny - it’s like my body knows what I want. It’s very clear and very immediate in that I have so many layers on top of that, that have this really like basic thing. Like, “I’m hungry for a sandwich,” turned into a 10-minute conversation as I walked to the refrigerator.

Francesca Gentille: Should I have a sandwich? Maybe I shouldn’t have a sandwich.

Nicole Daedone:  Right.

Francesca Gentille: Maybe it will go to my hips. Am I really hungry? Maybe I’m not hungry.

[laughter]

Nicole Daedone:  Exactly, exactly. Exactly, and I think in terms of my orgasm and my sexuality, it’s the exact same conversation.  So for me when I actually really began to get more and more into this practice what happened was, you know you hear about these silent places - really the chatter that was in the background just began to quiet and then I could just hear very simply like, ”Mmm. “

You know there was this woman that said, “What are you hungry for and how can you feed it?” And it became really clear what I was hungry for in any given moment and how to feed it.

Francesca Gentille: I love what you’re saying because it breaks the myth - that emotions are dangerous, don’t go there.

Nicole Daedone: Right.

Francesca Gentille: The body is somehow suspect and will lead us astray. It really brings back, in my terminology; I’d say the sacredness of having an embodied soul. That God didn’t make a mistake by giving us bodies we don’t have to deny them.

This is the Thanthra, this is the sacred pathway of coming into the body, deeply letting go of the, like you said, the chatter; and learning that true place in the body; that what’s-right-for-me-right-now place in the body.

Nicole Daedone: Yeah, my body is absolutely clear. It’s that I have a poor translator in the form of my cortex trying to decipher a very simple language.

[laughter]

Francesca Gentille: There’s an organization called Landmark Education and they always say, “Get out of your head, it’s a bad neighborhood.”

Nicole Daedone: Uh-huh. Yeah. That’s very much how it is.

[laughter]

Francesca Gentille: and you know the mind certainly has tools of vision and planning and wonderful tools, but it has traps.

Nicole Daedone: Oh, a mind sort of connected to its source is gorgeous. Then it has the right amount of light coming through it so you have clarity. That’s how you have clarity. I love my cortex and I love my thinking mind and I love my alembic body; and when they are in connection, that’s bliss.

Francesca Gentille: Could you say a little bit more about the alembic body, what is alembic? What does that mean?

Nicole Daedone:  It’s the feeling body, it’s the very simple language of ‘I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m scared, I’m angry.” And as you began to connect the alembic body with the mind you began to have more and more refined access to sensation.

Francesca Gentille: And this alembic- that’s not the same, or is it the same as what they call the reptilian brain?

Nicole Daedone:  Yeah, the reptilian brain

Francesca Gentille:  The primal brain, just right at the back of the spine, where the spine and head connect.

Nicole Daedone:  Right.

Francesca Gentille: And what I’m hearing you say is that there’s a truth in that?

Nicole Daedone:  There is. There is an immediate truth. I look at it like the alembic system is there to hydrate and the cortex is dry and clear and so you maintain this sort of systemic balance when they are connected.

The challenge is that we actually literally clamp down when we feel a desire if the cortex has judgment. And so you begin to have these clogs in the lines in the neuro-pathways between the cortex and alembic system and so the messages are very slow.

Francesca Gentille: The fuzz in the system is coming in and we’re not being able to clearly hear what it is we want. And what I hear you saying, in the balance, and I’m just going to breathe that in, I love balance, is that sense that many of us run away from the alembic system, our emotions…

Nicole Daedone:  Clearly

Francesca Gentille: …our instincts because we’re so afraid of the reactivity that if I feel something I immediately have to act. If I’m angry at you and I want to hit you, then I have to hit you. If I connect with my lust for you then I have to just jump your bones. And you’re saying something different than that.

Nicole Daedone:  Well, actually what I’d say to that is that’s the starvation of not feeding your desire talking. My desire is very simple and it experiences life kind of one stroke or one breath at a time. But I think what happens is we have this built up desire and we all know - like we all know how deficit we are in our banking account of desire - and so we know that when we open that door and that beast comes out and it’s just kind of grrrrr! It just wants to roar and eat everything.

[laughter]

Francesca Gentille: Sometimes that’s nice.

Nicole Daedone:  Right. And you can have your orgasm and your desire and your body and your being happen in such a way that they’re sustainable and that when you’re hungry you eat and when you’re not hungry you don’t;  and that it isn’t this out of control thing.

Francesca Gentille: Binging and starving, binging and starving.

Nicole Daedone:  Yeah, yeah,

Francesca Gentille: Whether it’s anger or whether it’s lust or whatever it is. I love that sense of it being a choice and when I taste that in my own body I get that sense of, “Oh, this is really owning my own truth.” It’s like this is my hunger. This is my lust. This is my anger. And as I just breathe that and taste that and connect that, now is there something that arises in me to ask for, to offer?

Nicole Daedone:  That’s nice.

Francesca Gentille: Yeah. That feels really yummy. And when we come back from our next break, I want to talk more about how could people do this at home and what are some next steps for them. Yeah, that sounds good.

Nicole Daedone:  Okay, great.

Francesca Gentille: So, after we come back from break and a word from our sponsors.

[commercial]

Francesca Gentille: Welcome back to Sex: Tanta and Kama Sutra, bringing you the Soul of Sex.  We’re with Nicole Daedone, the founder of One Taste Urban Retreat Center, really giving us practices and a concept on expanding our ability to be with all of who we are in life and to really embrace and celebrate the embodied experience; the body that we have as it connects with mind and spirit.

So, how do we do this, Nicole? Certainly we can come to One Taste and if you are in the San Francisco Bay area or in New York you can come to One Taste and get practice, really hands on practice in how to do this. And if people are not close by or sometimes we have to get ready to be close by. How can we practice it at home? Is that possible?

Nicole Daedone: Of course, I can just describe the practice very basically. In this scenario I will describe a man stroking a woman for the purpose of simplicity.

So she would lie down and he would wrap one leg under her legs and one leg over her stomach. And then he would put lubrication - K-Y Jelly is great - on his thumb and he would rest his thumb under her behind, his right hand under behind at the introitus, which is the hole. And then he would take his other finger and he would have lubrication on that finger and slide it up - and he would slide it up onto her clitoris.

Francesca Gentille: So slide it up from where to where?

Nicole Daedone: From the introitus up to the clitoris

Francesca Gentille: So from the hole…

Nicole Daedone:  Right.

Francesca Gentille: Fast, medium, slow?

Nicole Daedone: Slowly. Well, the way I describe it is there is a feeling when you’re petting a cat. And you’re petting a cat because it feels good on your hand. You’re not petting the cat to PET THE CAT! It’s feeling the fur and the softness on your hand and so that’s the basic practice really is feeling somebody else’s body for your own pleasure, so take as much pleasure as you want.

As you stroke up into the upper left-hand quadrant, that’s her upper left-hand quadrant. And then very simply you stroke up - down, up - down, up - down, the tiniest stroke and there’s a spot there that will begin to open. And as it opens it’s the most sensational part on a woman’s body. And both people keep all of their attention on that one spot. And as you do, very much as in vipassana meditation where you focus your breath on your upper lip – something entirely different opens - the same thing happens in orgasmic meditation.

Francesca Gentille: So in that just staying - focusing on what I hear - in that is staying present, so if I’m noticing did I lock the car? I think I need to turn on the dryer. If those thoughts are coming into my mind, then it’s just noticing those thoughts and letting them go, noticing them and letting them go. And coming back to the sensation if I’m the stroker of my finger; If I’m the strokee of being stroked that literal energy and connection that is building between us.

Nicole Daedone:  Right. You know I both stroke and get stroked. And there is this incredible – we’re so trained to believe that our bodies aren’t miraculous things - but there is this incredible feeling of having my finger on the clitoris and feeling this tiny electrical jolt and actually feeling the electricity of another human’s body is one of the most profound experiences you can have.

Francesca Gentille: I’m just going to breathe that in for a second. Because - the reason I’m going to take a moment to breathe that in is because I live in my mind a lot. I’m in front of my computer, I’m on my cell phone, my mind is racing about what I need to do; somewhere that is either ahead of me, where I need to go next, or behind me, what happened to me in the past in some way and what you’re inviting for me and the listening audience is to really get connected to the moment …

Nicole Daedone:  Yes.

Francesca Gentille: …and to another human being and sharing what happens in a moment when two people are fully connected.

Nicole Daedone:  Yeah, we’re actually at a really beautiful time in history in that there is a lot of merging and there is merging with science and theology at this point and we just went to the neurosthetics conference and they had it on love. And one of the things they found is that orgasm is the only time that they can find that the cortex actually shuts down. So a woman faking orgasm will have more and more cortex activity, more and more of that compulsive sort of thought, right? But when a woman is actually in orgasm the cortex shuts down and that is where we get those deep rich experiences of feeling connected. And so that’s really what we’re looking to get to. And I think Buddha’s known this …

Francesca Gentille:  …since the beginning of time.

Nicole Daedone:  And anybody who practices absorption, any kind of prayer or such – but we’re beginning to find that this occurs in sensuality and orgasm as well.

Francesca Gentille:  Absolutely and for people out there, there are studies, more and more studies that they can find. I know some of our listeners have told me they love the science of this. It’s really is a turn-on for them to know how does this work and how does the brain work and how does this support my body.

And there is also something that I have felt for a long time when we’re in that place of breath, deep breath and deep connection that nuero-pathways are firing in a different way that boosts our immune system. It boosts our testosterone. In as some sessions like this will literally - you can test it, testosterone - will be higher for 24 hours.  It’s not only feeling amazing or sometimes challenging but it’s good for us, good for our bodies.

Nicole Daedone:  Right. And oxytocin goes way up and it’s natural and healthy and clean to live in that space to allow your mind to have that kind of wash of clarity come through you on a regular basis. Really has your whole perspective on the world, and scarcity and abundance differ dramatically and it’s not theoretical, it’s visceral it’s in your body that you can feel that there is enough.

Francesca Gentille: When we’re talking about men - so we talked about that upper left quadrant for women - if I wanted to stroke and bring that experience of being the one who’s stroking and connecting to another person’s energy and allow them to really be deeply in their own experience, do you have any suggestions as to how I would do that for men?

Nicole Daedone: I actually, as a woman, have some major suggestions. One is, as a woman I was taught to never handle a man. I was never taught to really take control of his body. There is a way I was trained to be extremely demure and that my passion, my desire was unsavory. There’s a way that men very rarely get the opportunity to just relax into a woman handling his body. So the first thing I would say is just let him know, “Hey, relax. I’ve got it.” You know men will always try to help you they will try to move their hips and such.  “Just relax, I’ve got it. I’ve got control.” And that‘s the best thing you can do. If at the beginning you can claim ownership of this experience it’s going to be a great one.

Francesca Gentille: I love that, I applaud that, I completely agree and align with that. I often say that male or female we have a longing to surrender.

Nicole Daedone: Yes.

Francesca Gentille: And to innocents, trust someone. To trust the experience so much that we can open fully to our own passion. And male or female we long to be the one that takes someone on an erotic journey to be so trustworthy, so empowered, that someone can open to us, for us. And that’s what I hear you speaking to in this as well, giving men that experience, and giving women that experience.

Nicole Daedone: Right. Well, back to the science, they’ve done studies that have shown that the one factor that has an orgasm occur at a higher rate is the experience of safety. So if you can provide the experience of somebody feeling safe, or learning your own body to feel safe in any situation, then you’ll have greater and greater access to orgasm.

Francesca Gentille: That’s nice to know. I like that. And I just want to mention we’re almost complete for today.

If anything comes up that’s not just fun, so there I am being stroked or stroking my partner and ideally there’s kind of a pressure. Like he has to like it, it has to feel good and he has to smile or laugh. Or I have to like it and I have to feel good and I have to smile or I have to laugh and that shows that it’s good.

Would you please talk a little bit about what could come up and is it a problem if I were to cry, if I were to rage, if there was anger? Here’s someone stroking my clitoris and I’m actually feeling intense arousal and I’m crying or I’m raging. Is he doing it wrong or is it a problem?

Nicole Daedone: I have so many thoughts on that. The first is most of us have clamped down for so long that energy gets trapped so anything you’ve ever said no to is trapped in your body; as you begin to heat your body up with the practice of orgasm, that stuff begins to dislodge. So, all of the sudden, I’ve been in arms before where the boy who left me when I was 16 rose up into my consciousness and I was crying. I guess there is an expression in semantics where you talk about recoding an experience. So in our practice we have it coded that any sensation is good. Feeling is good. We’re value-neutral on what the feeling is supposed to be.  That would be my biggest suggestion is just knowing that if something intense is coming up, then that’s an opportunity for intense intimacy.

Francesca Gentille: I love that. I want to repeat that. “That if something intense is coming up, then that’s an opportunity for intense intimacy.”  And there’s a sense when I hear that and I just want again to breathe that in or taste that in my body that as my beloved has space for my anger, space for my tears, there’s going to be a bigger space for my passion.

Nicole Daedone:  Unquestionably. Yeah. Our sorrow carves a space to contain our joy. Yeah.

Francesca Gentille: Thank you. And I just want to thank you so much, Nicole, for joining us today, for giving us some very concrete practices, for deepening our experience of live, of love, of energy. And if people want to get a hold of you and the One Taste Urban Retreat Center, how would they do that?

Nicole Daedone: At onetaste.us is our new website and [email protected]  you can email me and I answer all my emails.

Francesca Gentille: Great and I want to say to our listening audience, thank you for joining us. Thank you for being on this journey with us to bring in the fullness of life, of love, of sex, of the reason that we chose to have a body. 

If you want to also get the transcripts of this show, if you want to learn more about Nicole, her bio, whatever, you can find that and also a link to One Taste at www.personallifemedia.com, that’s www.personallifemedia.com.  Thank you for joining us on Sex: Tanta and Kama Sutra, bringing you the Soul of Sex.