Episode 70 - COUPLES: 3 KEYS TO RE-IGNITING SEXUAL SATISFACTION with Diana Soline

Transcript

Francesca Gentille: Welcome to Sex: Tantra and Kama Sutra: Bringing You the Soul of Sex. I’m your host, Francesca Gentille, and with us today is Diana Soline.

Francesca Gentille: Diana is a Russian born erotic educator, founder and director of The Women’s Temple. She is a Zen Buddhist practitioner and teacher, and she is a wonderful amazing human being, who I’ve had the pleasure of knowing for, is it nine or is it ten years?

Diana Soline: Close to ten now, Francesca.

Francesca Gentille: Welcome, welcome to the show.

Diana Soline: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Francesca Gentille: And the reason that I wanted to have you on today is not only because I’ve known you for years and know the depths of erotic spiritual practice that you bring into your life, and that you’ve actually brought into my life as well, but because you really carry a very unique perspective, being raised in Russia, traveling the world. Also teaching in Russia; you’ve got a program that you bring back to Russia for women. And there’s things that you’ve learned and seen that sometimes we don’t see when we’re immersed in our own culture that I still want you to share today. And what would you say is some of the depths, or the keys, of what you’ve learned in this kind of cross cultural experience, and in being with men and women in session?

Diana Soline: Well in terms of different countries and how sexuality is expressed in different cultures, I find that…Well I’ve mostly traveled, of course I was raised in Russia and I traveled in Europe quite a bit, and I spent the last 20 years in America, and what I have noticed, at least from working in Russia and in America is that unfortunately there is much more fear in America around sexuality, around addressing issues of sexuality, and just, you know, just bring it up in casual conversation. In Russia I find that there has been much less education about, especially of course sexuality in general because Soviet society was very prudish society. But there is not as much fear, there is much more playfulness and women are not afraid to be feminine of course. But there’s also, you know, more sexism still, and definitely laws need to be adjusted on sexual harassment and on, sexual abuse unfortunately still has not been addressed nearly as much as in the United States, and therefore women are still suffering quite a bit from, from consequences of trauma. So that’s one of the reasons why I feel so fortunate that I can bring my knowledge from my practice that I have gained here in the United States to, to Russian women and, you know, my project is called One Million Empowered Russian Women Project, so that’s a very exciting, that’s the number of women I would like to reach there.

Francesca Gentille: That is exciting, and I think that one of the things that is so important is that sense of empowerment, that it’s not power over. Sometimes we think, oh, it’s men’s power over women or it’s women’s power over men, and when we think that whatever gender we are we can get very angry at the, at everyone, at the opposite gender. And the term ‘empowerment’ I love because it says, “If I feel powerful, if I feel good in my body, connected to my vulva, you know, wonderfully rich about both my longings and my limited boundaries, I can bring that to my partner in a very rich way, invite them in, celebrate them, and if they feel empowered they can bring their own, you know, the deliciousness about their penis, or if they’re a woman, their vulva, and they can bring that to me and we can join in celebration together. And sadly, whether in Russia or the United States, there’s still a lot of blocks and woundings and old messages that are in the way of us bringing this sense of joy and celebration. So what would you say from the vantage point of your experiences at erotic educator, what does the average session look like and how do we start to make those steps back into communion?

Diana Soline: Yeah, thank you. I’ll definitely talk about it in a second. I just want to comment on your, on what you said about power. And, you know, my, you know the mission of Women’s Temple is to empower women through their sexuality, and again, it’s not in order to overpower anybody, absolutely not. It’s so that, and of course in America women are more empowered than in the rest of the, in many countries, the rest of the world, including Russia. So to me, it’s about bringing, bringing us back to balance where feminine and masculine are balanced in the world. And by the way, you know, between men and women, and also within ourselves, so that even men can bring, you know, feminine, their feminine, empower feminine in themselves…

Francesca Gentille: Mm hmm.

Diana Soline: It was empowered masculine in themselves. But, yeah, sure, I would be happy to share, you know, how, a very typical sort of session that, that happens sometimes in my, that happens often in my office. In my experience working with couples, it’s usually a man who is more proactive in seeking help improving their sex life. So on the surface it appears that it’s the man who’s not satisfied than a woman. But when the couple actually comes to my office and we start talking about how they make love and what feelings come out for them, it often turns out that a woman is even less satisfied, and that somehow she has often accepted her dissatisfaction as this just thing, the way things are usually between, you know, married people who have been together for a long time, and that maybe even desiring more is almost kind of naïve and unrealistic. So when they come I usually ask them, what do they do in the bedroom, how do they make love? And often their lovemaking is reduced to occasional intercourse menial foreplay, the whole thing takes ten or fifteen minutes at the most. Sex is something that they do just before they go to sleep, you know, after work before they go to sleep, and that neither of them are sexually satisfied. So then I ask a man, what’s missing for you? You know, what would make your sex life exciting and vibrant again? And the man usually says that he misses his partner’s passion, her curiosity, you know, her desire for experimentation, to be playful in the bedroom. And he admits that, even though he would love to please her and excite her, he doesn’t really know how to do it at this point. And when I ask a woman what’s missing for her, she might say that she lacks desire and interest in sex, and even though she might have orgasms, she doesn’t really feel deeply satisfied. So then I ask a woman, well what would bring you sexual satisfaction? What would your partner actually need to do, what actions does he need to take in order to please you, to bring you to sexual satisfaction? And then a woman pauses and just kind of looks down for a few moments, and then tells me, “I don’t know. I don’t know what needs to happen.” And there is often more uncomfortable silence, and she admits that she feels embarrassed and that the fact that their life, that their sex life is so bad is probably her fault. And this is where I interrupt and tell her that, “It’s not your fault that you don’t know your body, and it’s not your husband’s fault that he doesn’t know how to satisfy you.” And the reason for that is that female sexuality is by far more complex than male sexuality, and in our culture we do not receive the necessary education about sexuality in general, let alone female sexuality. Most of us grew up in households where parents were embarrassed to even address the subject. In schools we surely didn’t learn how to satisfy a woman. And on the other hand we have lots of negative programming from religious communities, and lots of unrealistic imagery from porn industry that creates unrealistic expectations for women. So women might feel less physically satisfied very often, but men, what I find, feel less emotionally satisfied, because when a woman does not share her passion and deep sexual arousal with her partner, that’s, that kind of robs him of the sexual delight, that I truly think that is a birthright for a man to receive that kind of energy from a woman in his partnership, in his intimate partnership.

Francesca Gentille: I love that you’re, that this, that we’re talking about this as our birthright, this sense of, this sense of pleasure and emotional exchange and energy exchange, and I find it fascinating that, you know, women often complain of a lack of emotional connection, but what their really missing is, ultimately is physical satisfaction as well…

Diana Soline: Yes.

Francesca Gentille: And what men sometimes complain about is the physical satisfaction, but what they’re really missing is the emotional satisfaction. I want to talk more about how we bridge this and how we, how we move from sitting in a session with you or, you know, in the bed together looking at one another feeling, you know, ashamed and disconnected and confused, into a place of connection and pleasure after a break and a word from our fabulous sponsors. And I invite our listening audience to support our sponsors, because that’s the way great shows like this keep coming to you, and we’ll be back in just a moment.

Francesca Gentille: Welcome back to Sex: Tantra and Kama Sutra: Bringing You the Soul of Sex, with the wonderful Diana Soline, Russian born erotic educator, founder and director of The Women’s Temple, who is also a deeply embedded envy, the Buddhist, then Buddhist practice and so talented in so many ways. And we’re talking about how to bridge between men and women, and how to bridge from a place where we’re uncomfortable with our sexual connection, into a place of communion. And, so where do we go? Where do we go from here?

Diana Soline: Well, yeah, thank you Francesca. I have some, three points of advice for couples, men and women that I would love to share with you, something that I have found in my practice, works for me, for my relationship, as well as for many, many of my clients. So, you know, for couples who find themselves in a situation like this, like I described before, I often recommend three things. You know, one is it’s really important that you create time for your lovemaking. And what I advise people is to create time during the day or at least when you have a lot of energy in your body. So I like to think of lovemaking as a form of art. So if you want to create something beautiful, you’re writing music or painting or doing something, you wouldn’t do it when you’re exhausted, when you’re tired. No. You want to have plenty of creative energy in you. You want to have space, room for it. So, and I understand, and of course many couples have kids and it’s hard to create time, but finding two, three hours during the day on a weekend where you’re just devoted to lovemaking would significantly shift your intimate connection.

Francesca Gentille: I would just want to say something about that. I vote yes with what Diana just said. Sometimes we think that we don’t have time…

Diana Soline: Right.

Francesca Gentille: but you’re going to end up with time for a divorce or a break up if you don’t, if you don’t make time for a quality connection, and I totally agree. I’ve experimented, I encourage our listening audience to experiment with, you known, an hour, an hour and a half, and I find two hours, and I find that really closer to two hours is what allows me to feel like I can relax. If I know I’ve got a babysitter, whatever, and I can start to relax with two hours, now I can flirt, now I can caress, now I can really start to connect on a much deeper level with my beloved, and, you know, the stress of feeling rushed doesn’t help me as a mother feel like I could, you know, really enjoy my sexual encounter.

Diana Soline: Right. And usually it takes, you know, especially if we have busy life, you know, the two, three hours. I’m not talking about, you know, intercourse, having for two or three hours. I’m talking about getting in bed, maybe putting some music, you know, caressing, talking about something that, you know, that isn’t in the way of you connecting, clearing some things and, and then doing, well the second point what I love when, to recommend to couples to practice is setting dates when one person is just receiving and one person is just giving. Or at least maybe most of the session may be just for a woman wants one time, and then the next session may be mostly just for a man. And the reason for that is because then we can address the needs of that particular person fully. We can be present with them, rather than also, you know, paying attention to our sexual needs. So of course it’s important to make love when we, when it’s a mutual lovemaking. But I find that creating such, such opportunities where you just give and just receive opens up different possibilities for exploring each other’s sexual energies.

Francesca Gentille: And combining this with time, would you say two hours once a week, you know two times a week, one time it’s my time, one time it’s my beloveds, you know, that can start to feel like a lot, so what, what are you suggesting?

Diana Soline: Well it might be, you know, if you’re, if you have lovemaking sessions, say, once a week for two hours, maybe once a month it can be, you know, one session can be just for a woman. And another month it can be just for a man. Something like that.

Francesca Gentille: Mm, okay. That sounds, that sounds doable…

Diana Soline: Yeah.

Francesca Gentille: And one of the things that I found is that a good two-hour session, two to three hours, really taking time to talk, tune in, kiss, you know, and then moving to lovemaking in a non rushed very deep kind of connective way, is that’s fulfilling for like the whole week. I mean, and then maybe, maybe I’m ready to have a quickie sometime in the middle, but it really makes a difference.

Diana Soline: It really does. Absolutely, yeah.

Francesca Gentille: So we’ve got time, we’ve got taking turns. One person is, totally just gets to relax, no where to go, nothing to do, this is just for you baby, you know. Of course, this is for me. And then, what’s the third?

Diana Soline: Well the third thing is I, I encourage people to learn how to really channel the sexual energy, the pleasure into different part of their life. To me, pleasure is not a final destination. You know, the tantric path is said to be the fastest path to enlightenment, but it also is the trickiest path because it’s easy to get stuck in pleasure. So to me pleasure is a tool, it’s an energy resource. And how we use that energy, that, you know, that is obviously up to you, and to me being integrated sexually and spiritually means that you are able to channel that love force, that erotic energy that you transform into love to other areas of your life. And, so that’s why the pleasure to me is so important, because when we are not happy, upset, stressed out, most of the time what we produce and how we show up in the world is, is not likely to produce, you know, a world of love and peace.

Francesca Gentille: You know, I want to talk more about this idea of pleasuring in all of our lives, especially when some of us are starting out, you know, tired and depleted, and maybe we haven’t had the sexual connection that we’ve wanted, how we bring, start fill this up and experience pleasure, when we come back from a break and a word from our sponsors.

Francesca Gentille: Welcome back to Sex: Tantra and Kama Sutra: Bringing You the Soul of Sex with Diana Soline, and I want to get right back into pleasure, but also those three tips for men and those three tips for women. We had the one for the couples, but what is it for men and for women?

Diana Soline: Well I would like to start with women, and I know we don’t have much time so I’ll just kind of go quickly through them. Well one is have a regular self practice, self pleasuring practice even if you have a sexual partner. And when you self pleasure, make sure you’re truly making love to yourself, not just jerking off, because masturbation can be just as disconnected as sex. So make love to yourself as if you were the best and most knowledgeable lover you could possibly ask for. Number two, explore your orgasmic potential. You know, in my workshops I teach seven types of orgasms…

Francesca Gentille: Mmm.

Diana Soline: that women can experience. Different types of orgasms satisfy different parts of you, so know what’s available to your body. Don’t just settle for something that’s not quite satisfying, or if you want to, if you want to learn more, what is available to my feminine body. And apparently there’s much more available to you than to men’s bodies. Sorry, that’s just the way things are, but we have, you know, from what I understand learning about sexuality, women have a tremendous capacity for pleasure.

Francesca Gentille: And the wonderful news for our men is that as we learn to connect in deeper and deeper as the woman goes into all these seven states of orgasm, you men actually get to experience all those seven states yourself, there’s a communion that happens.

Diana Soline: Absolutely, and get to bathe in that energy and receive it through her from her, so it works out just great for both sexes.

Francesca Gentille: And so what’s the third? What’s the third?

Diana Soline: And, you know, the third one I just want to say that, ask for help if you feel stuck. There’s so many women who have lived through devastating sexual traumas and find very difficult time to reclaim their happiness in the bedroom, and they don’t have to suffer alone. Reach out to women, you know, like me and like Francesca and many other women who have, who are owning their sexuality and who have skills to help women to bring back the, again, the sexual happiness that is their birthright to their lives. And, so for men what I would, what I would rec, what I recommend is learn how to give a woman full body erotic massage. It’s just such deeply nurturing, sexually experience. And what I found with women is that it’s not the orgasm that really satisfies her, but how she got there. And what’s really satisfying for a woman is being in a high state, in a state of high sexual arousal for at least 20 minutes. And there’s a fairly simple, you know, scientific explanation for it. The neurotransmitters, like serotonin, endorphins, don’t kick in until 20 minutes into sexual arousal. So, and massage, you know, erotic, full body erotic massage, you start with just general massage, not touching her genitals or her breasts, because if we go too fast into, into genitals for a woman, then it often short circuits her energy. So you want to give her a full body general massage first, then move to her genitals. And there’re wonderful DVD’s, you know, like Fire in the Valley, produced by Joseph Kramer, Tantric, The Secret, The Ancient Secrets of Lovemaking. And by the way, all these, all these videos are available on, well you can subscribe to them through my website, womenstemple.com under resources tab, there is a link to New School of Erotic Touch, which has tons of just wonderful, great material, erotic educational material for people. So, and then when you do give her erotic massage and genital massage, at the end once she feels, you know, complete with her experience, let her choose how she orgasms and if she orgasms at all. You know, if she’s, if she would like intercourse and you’re available for it, great. If she wants to masturbate or not bring herself to orgasm, give her the choice. It’s really important for us that we’re not pressured to, for any experience. So giving her a choice and not being attached too, I find is very helpful for a woman.

Francesca Gentille: So that’s number one for men is to learn how to give a full body sensual erotic massage. And for our gentlemen that are listening, there’s probably a good chance too as you learn to give this that your beloved will turn around and give this back to you, so it…

Diana Soline: Yeah, I…

Francesca Gentille: (unintelligible). So what’s number two and number three?

Diana Soline: Well actually, I’m sorry, that, I just went through, you know, giving full body massages, number first is, step first. Then moving to her genitals, number two. And then number three is allowing her to choose whether to orgasm or not. So these are the three steps of full body erotic massage for a woman.

Francesca Gentille: Beautiful. So those are the three steps for a man, is giving a woman choice, and then starting with the whole body, awakening her whole body, and moving to genitals, and that’s an art form in itself for our men that are listening, and for our women that are listening. Annie Sprinkle, Jiwala, teach the thirteen strokes for the clitoris, and…

Diana Soline: Mm hmm.

Francesca Gentille: there’s so many of our, of our sessions on the phone here, also covered the g-spot. So there’s this whole world of the vulva and the clitoris to really explore it, and to adventure and experiment together.

Diana Soline: Yeah. And, you know, my mother actually called me a few years ago and asked me, “You know, Diana, you do sexuality work, right?” And I said, “Yeah mom, I do.” And she says, “Well, you know, things are not really working out for us in the bedroom.” I’m like, “Well, what’s, what’s wrong mom?” She’s like, “Well, you know, daddy’s, daddy’s not exactly romantic type, he’s a scientist.” I’m like, “Okay”. And, you know, she didn’t want to go into more details, but she said, “Do you have any advice for us?” So I said, “You know mom, I’ll send you a couple of DVD’s.” And, well guess what? Two weeks later, mom calls very happy and says, “Diana, dad looked at the DVD’s, watched them a few times, learned all the strokes, and everything worked very, very well. Thank you so much.” And then, and I’m not kidding Francesca, she called me every few weeks for the next year, telling me, “Diana, I just wanted to thank you again for sending them DVD’s.” So for them that’s all it took to bring, you know, to revive their sex live. New strokes and new, you know, a few new techniques.

Francesca Gentille: Well like you said in the beginning, we live in a world where we’re not taught, we’re not taught in the schools, we’re not taught by our parents, we’re not taught in church or temple and we even get negative messaging, and so I want to thank you so much for joining us today and letting us know that there’s resources, there’s techniques, there’s a journey to go through.

Diana Soline: And I’m available for phone consultations nationwide, and in person, sessions in Northern California, Bay Area, and as well as Minnesota, Twin Cities. And if you mention this show, I would be happy to give you a fifteen percent discount on the first three sessions, and by the way, very often that’s all it takes, three sessions. And I can be reached by phone at 510-919-5350 or on the internet, my website is www.womenstemple.com.

Francesca Gentille: Thank you so much Diana for joining us today.

Diana Soline: Oh, you’re very welcome. Thank you.

Francesca Gentille: And for you our listening audience, I want to thank you for joining us and for being on this journey of the soul of sex and the sacred and the communion and the peace of life around sexuality. And if you want to also connect to Diana, see her picture, her bio, get transcripts from the show, connect to me, you can do that at www.personallifemedia.com, that’s www.personallifemedia.com, Sex: Tantra and Kama Sutra: Bringing You the Soul of Sex.