Episode 24 - In with Love, Out with Isolation

Transcript

Marcie Prohofsky: Welcome to a Taste of Sex. This is the erotic open mic event and my name is Marcie Prohofsky. Welcome, welcome to One Taste. This is a whole new format that we have to kind of do this bistro style and usually the stage has been setup on the opposite side of the room so it feels really great to be here. It's a whole new world and we're entering a whole new phase at One Taste with the New Year coming. We're going to have a new website up and running shortly and our curriculum is being revamped and so it's a really exciting time to have you guys here. So, um, it is my birthday, and I'm very excited to...yeah...thank you.

As he reaches the crisscross of my fishnets, he pulls up between the crevice of my thighs, I push backward into his fingers, arching slightly, opening.

There you are Leif. How God thinks.

Leif: It's changed.

Marcie Prohofsky: It's changed, everything changes, that's good, it's anarchy, and it's orgasm, it's tilted frame like on your t-shirt. Come on. All right.

Leif: The joy and pain of being vulnerable. A friend recently said to me "being vulnerable is the act of opening your chest up and directing to the individual, holding the blade to just where exactly the softest point of entry is." Bottom line: If I'm going to be vulnerable, I'm going to need to be willing to face more pain as well as more love in my life. I recently fell in love, yeah you know the feeling. Everything in the world is just right. I felt lighter than a moth. I love sex, always have and always will. I love bringing her to orgasm, again and again and again.

On our first date she took me to a shop so she could buy a couple of toys. Bunnies were jealous of our time under the sheets, in cars, in tents and every room of her parent's house where they went away (her parents, not the bunnies). But more than sex, she was so open to the world, studying to become a therapist. Honesty, truth and authentic self were here goals in life. But beyond just sex, I like kinky sex...switch should say enough. When I first tied her up, she came so hard I thought the roof would come off and if it didn't, I wouldn't have noticed since her throbbing body was the most beautiful thing I had every seen. 

I took her to a dungeon. She was nervous to be there, I was nervous to show it to her. Αfter poor negotiation, not being done well, to get from her what she really wanted and didn't want, we had a scene and she didn't communicate, stop or slow down. Later only smiles and I really didn't enjoy that.  I thought nothing of it except to know we wouldn't be going there again. She ended the relationship that night and didn't tell me until a week later.  After that, she wouldn't see me, she wouldn't talk to me.  A week later, I did get one conversation, I got "did you know that I need to take two steps back from this relationship?" Now, three weeks later I'm stunned a bit at a girl who said "I really love you" right up to the day so many times it made me almost nervous given the time we'd been going out and the incredible times we had shared with each other, that she could walk away from the relationship without even doing so face-to-face.

A week later I found out a clue as to why..."did you know when I got home on Sunday I took a shower for an hour." Oh, that tells me something but by then I was angry she had shut me out so completely and been unable to share her feelings earlier. So now it fucking hurts. Hello, hurt. My friends would say to me, "yeah, you just miss the sex".  Yeah, they're right, I do miss the sex but it wasn't just sex, it was way beyond that...way beyond that...and only if you've experience this level of intimacy, you would know what I'm talking about when I say it was like hugging God.

It was so much more than just the God play for me. It was her ideas, her openness, her feelings. I didn't have to pretend to be someone I'm not...which at 43, I no longer have the time for anyway. I write, I breath, I stay sober and I lick my wounds and I own my part of this major fucked up situation and would I do it again, would I stick my neck out there again, only to be eventually get it to be get lopped off? Sure, again and again. Do you know why? One, because I'm not a victim in my life. I take full responsibility for all my experiences. Two, life lived safely is no life worth living. And three, because I can.

Marcie Prohofsky: The next person to read is Jessica. Come on baby.

Jessica T: His hand slides down the slick surface of my black dress from the small of my back, smoothly over the twin full moons of my ass.  As he reaches the crisscross of my fishnets, he pulls up between the crevice of my thighs. I push backward into his fingers, arching slightly, opening. "You're so wet," he whispers. We're pressing more tightly against the wall, behind his fingers explore, play, dig and my pussy is getting heavier, ready and pulls for more. On top, we're feigning disinterested aloofness as thongs of people filing past us as in the narrow corroder on their way to the dance floor.

Marcie Prohofsky: So we are going to take a break and we'll see you back in ten minutes.

So we're resuming here. This is a Taste of Sex. My name is Marcie Prohofsky. Thank you for being here. You can listen to this show, it's recorded and made into a podcast that's available on ITunes or also at the website personallifemedia.com and Personal Life Media co-produces this event with us so please check out this show as well as other amazing programs that we've had in the past.

In With Love Out With Isolation.

Yia: You know for a moment there I was going to tell you that if we extend our time that you can take me off of line up. That's just me trying to be nice. OK.

In With Love Out With Isolation. My heart opens before the needle reaches my skin. The memory of being alone on the examination table burns hot and turns into streams of tears rolling down my face. Set two intentions she said: in with love out with isolation. The needle pierced through the thick layer of my skin and out the other side, my chest opens. We have been taught not to cry, we feel that the only way to survive is to close off our feelings and emotions so we can't hurt again. If our pain is deep, we might even try to hide it from others. This can make us frozen, ridged because deep down we know the one small break in the ice will free the hurt to start circulating through us again.  The tears, and only the tears, have the power to melt the ice. It's OK to cry and there is no reason to feel ashamed of your tears. Crying helps us to let go of pain, allows us to be gently with ourselves and finally helps us to heal.

In With Love Out With Isolation.

Three years ago I received a phone call at work, reschedule the appointment. "Is there anyone you would like to have there for support", the voice asks from the other end. My throat tightened unexpectantly and tears welled up. I go over the names of friends and family members. Only one other friend knew about my condition. I didn't tell my mom because I didn't want to worry her. I held back the tears. "No", I replied. No, I can do this on my own. It's not that big of a deal.

In With Love Out With Isolation.

Ken stands in front of me, his gaze, his eyes gaze softly into mine, his left hand pulls at the string hooked into the two needles pierced in my chest. Each tug breaks a line down the iceberg, tears flow, burning my cheekbones and down my naked chest. I'm on the table again but this time not by myself.

Let it purify, let it burn, clear-soft motherly voice sweeps in, the iceberg cracks open and a scream from deep in my cervix roars out and covers the room with orange and green light. Isolation pours out of my body, out of my heart, out of my cervix. The scream carried in ancient thorn, lodged in my heart from times before this physical form of my body was born, carried and passed over from one generation to the next.

In With Love Out With Isolation.

I walked into the doctor's office, I felt clear and light, I had a Reiki session that left me grounded and open, my sex was screaming for some attention and now it has it. I'm ready to do this, to get this done, to have this thing leave my body. The procedure was short, I relaxed my body, pinch from the inside, pulling and tugging at my core. One-eighth of my cervix: of the yes and the no, of the guilt and shame, of the isolation, in neediness, I suppressed, left my body. One-eighth of my mother's quilt and shame of woman's lock down in sex, of voiceless disconnected sex, left my body.

In With Love Out With Isolation.

Colostomy is the direct examination of your genital area, including the cervix, vagina and vaginal opening, using a special lighted microscope called a colposcope. Lye back on a  table, knees bent, feet in stirrups, speculum vagina, a salt-water saline solution cleans the cervix. Vinegar solution to cervix with cotton ball, discomfort, insertion of speculum, acidic acid, chilly, pinch, tissue removed, cramping, bleeding, vaginal discharge. Don't put anything into your vagina for at least one week after the procedure (mayoclinic.com).

In With Love Out With Ιsolation.

The smell of sage burns over my head, the shamanic beating of drums envelope the room matching the volume of my scream, dancers with rattles around me, over me, guiding me back from this journey, my legs shaking, my hands cold, my heart purifying, my chest burning, tears rolling, screams subsides. I open my eyes, a friend stands before me, with me, holding me with his presence, with his gaze, with his heart. I am not alone, I am not alone. Love pours into me from him, from others in the room, from the music, from me into me. I look at Ken, we smile, I'm home.

In With Love Out With Isolation. Thank you.

Marcie Prohofsky: Wow, thank you. Next up is Sam.

Sam G: Ok, this is called Inner Lech. I know, I know that sounds ewe, gross. Lechy, dirty, yucky but it's the truth. God it feels so good to say it. I'm a lech, there, it's out, all right. I like them young. I do. I like them soft. I like them bad. I like them shy and I like them shaved. I like them bratty and I like them when they call me daddy.

Marcie Prohofsky: So you've had a full experience, uh? Now you believe we don't just write it, we live it. I want to thank you for tuning in, this radio show has been brought to you by One Taste Urban Retreat Center in San Francisco and Personal Life Media. To contact us, please send us an email at [email protected]. You can also find out more information by going to personallifemedia.com or check us out at onetastesf.com. Thanks so much, thanks for staying tuned in and thanks most of all for staying turned on.