Episode 9 - Sage Vivant: Learning Your Personal Erotic “type”

Sage Vivant: Learning your personal erotic "type"

Announcer:  This program is intended for mature audiences only.

[Music]

Chip August:  Welcome to ‘Sex, Love and Intimacy’.  I'm your host Chip August.  Today on the show we are going to be talking about eroticism and your erotic personality and really discovering what you like and want.

Our guest is a wonderful person named Sage Vivant.  Sage is the author of a book called ‘Your Erotic Personality’.  She has a great website about your erotic personality.  She is one of the founders of the Custom Erotica Source, which is a place that tailor makes erotic fiction.  She has written some short stories.  She is really an erotic expert.

Today we are going to be talking about what is your erotic personality and how does one find out.  We're going to be talking a little bit about custom-made erotic fiction because I'm really curious about that.  And hopefully we are going to be talking about getting comfortable with your own sexual wants.

[Music]

Chip August:  Took the test and I find out I'm a student.

Sage Vivant:  Oh, well that's not surprising at all.

Chip August:  Well you know, it didn't surprise me either.

[Laughter]

Chip August:  I found myself taking the test thinking, “Wait a minute.  Some of these questions that I don't know - there are more choices and I don't really agree with these choices.”  And then I read the results and thought, “Wow, this is remarkably accurate!”

[Laughter]

Chip August:  It felt to me like the test was written a little more for women than for men.  Has anybody ever given you that feedback before?

Sage Vivant:  Yes.  Mostly men.

Chip August:  Mostly men! [Laughs] Well I'm glad I am consistent for my gender.

[Laughter]

Chip August:  You are actually a writer who makes money at writing?

Sage Vivant:  Yes.

Chip August:  Wow.

Sage Vivant:  [Laughs] I don't make a lot of money.

Chip August:  Well hey, if you make any money at writing this is a good thing.

Sage Vivant:  Right!

[Laughs]

[Music]

Chip August:  Welcome to the show Sage.

Sage Vivant:  Thank you very much Chip.

Chip August:  Oh, how in the world did you find yourself becoming an expert about erotic personality?  Where does that come from?

Sage Vivant:  It kind of happened quite naturally through the course of writing erotic stories for people for almost a decade now.  I had started to see that there were certain trends in the types of requests and what they wanted to see happening and their stories.  About eight years into it I thought really there were about 12 distinct personalities that are coming through in these requests.

So I wrote a book about it because I personally found it really fascinating.  I also wanted to do it for a multitude of other reasons.  We will probably cover that later on.  But really just the topic fascinated me because everyone is so different and yet there are 12 distinct dockets that they fall into.

Chip August:  And would you be willing to tell me what are those 12 basic types?

Sage Vivant:  Well sure.  Let's see if I can remember them off the top of my head.  They are the escapist personality, the romantic, the cuckold, the top, the bottom, the watcher, the show off, the student, the risk taker, and the namedropper.  I think I am missing one.  Did I say the partier?

Chip August:  No.

Sage Vivant:  No, OK.  Then I think we have got 12. [Laughs]

Chip August:  This is like trying to remember the names of your children when you've got a big family.

Sage Vivant:  [laughs]

Chip August:  I'm one of five kids and when my father would get flustered he would just call all the names hoping that he would hit the right one.

Sage Vivant:  [laughs]

Chip August:  OK, so tell me something about how the student for instance differs from the partier.  How does this work?

Sage Vivant:  Well, I also found that although there are 12 types, they are distinctly different in two main ways.  One of them is that there is a personality type that really lives for the sex itself.  The actual act is where they get their erotic charge.  For other types the real turn on is in the pursuit, in the research, in the stuff that leads up to the sex.

So for instance if we took the escapist personality, that would be someone who lives a very rich and active sexual life in their heads.  It doesn't mean they don't act on a lot of it.  But they are thinking about sex quite a lot and they are thinking about specific scenarios almost over and over again.  They have a certain set of turn ons that they rely on and pretty much need to get turned on.  So their sex really begins in their heads.

Someone like the partier is driven to be with a lot of people at the same time because that for them is sexual nirvana, to have lots of people at once.  So for them it is the actual act whereas with someone like the escapist, the mind stuff comes first.

Chip August:  Now is this anything like astrology?  If you are under the student sign do you tend to relate better with this and that but not so much with this and that?

Sage Vivant:  Do you mean other types?

Chip August:  Yeah.

Sage Vivant:  Or just activities?

Chip August:  Should you be searching for somebody who is your same type?

Sage Vivant:  Well, for some situations you do better if you are looking for someone of your type.  In other situations you're better off with someone who is the opposite of you.  For instance, the top and the bottom would be the most obvious example of opposites who need each other.

Chip August:  Well that makes sense.

Sage Vivant:  Yeah.

Chip August:  Yeah.

Sage Vivant:  The same is true of the show off and the watcher.  And a type for instance like the romantic can kind of hit it off with anyone else almost because the romantic type is turned on by someone's saving her or him from danger were some kind of peril.  Then the sex that ensues after that is almost secondary to the romantic.  So the romantic can be with a wider range of sexual types.

Chip August:  Well this all goes to support my theory that our sexuality doesn't really live between our legs.  It lives between our ears.

Sage Vivant:  Oh, absolutely.  Big time.  Big time.  It also is largely a function of our need to feel secure because I noticed that I was writing this book that so many of the types really need someone to show them that they are trusted or that they trust them.  A lot of it relates back to trust and security.

Chip August:  Yes well of course, a lot of sexuality is totally about trust isn't it?

Sage Vivant:  Absolutely.

Chip August:  Yeah.

Sage Vivant:  And you really see it played out in these types.

Chip August:  I think that's the secret of why fantasy is so popular.  It's because in our fantasy we just imagine that trust is there without really having to think about it or establish it.

Sage Vivant:  Mmm hmm.

Chip August:  So how does one find out what their erotic personality is?

Sage Vivant:  Well, they must read the book.

Chip August:  Ah, of course.

Sage Vivant:  [laughs] But the book begins with a quiz and the quiz is designed to not only entertain, because I think people retain things when they are amused or entertained.  So the quiz is funny but it's also a great way to make people stop and think about, “Oh, you know, in this situation I would do this.  I never really thought about that before.  I also never realized that other people might do any of these other things.”  [Laughs]

I think that most folks when they take this quiz are surprised by some of the options because they are so foreign to them.

Chip August:  Yeah.

Sage Vivant:  You know we always tend to think that what we like is what pretty much everyone likes.  And that is so not true.  So the quiz is a great springboard for discussion, for self-discovery, for self-examination.  And from there the rest of the book dedicates a chapter to each type.  It talks about what it is that makes that type tick, what some of the best matches are for that type, who some celebrities are who share that type and just in general what you might do to really indulge in the things that you need.

Chip August:  Well, I must admit I took the quiz.

[Music]

Sage Vivant:  Yes.

Chip August:  And after we come back from this short pause I will tell you what your quiz told me.

Sage Vivant:  OK.

Chip August:  But first we want to take a break and give a little chance to support our sponsors.  You are listening to Chip August.  The show is Sex Love and Intimacy.  We are talking to Sage Vivant about erotic personality.  Please come on back after this short break.

[Music]

[Commercial]

[Music]

Chip August:  Welcome back to Sex Love and Intimacy.  I'm Chip August.  I'm talking to Sage Vivant.  We are talking about your erotic personality and I just admitted that I in fact went on Sage's website and I took the test and I find out I'm a student.

Sage Vivant:  Oh, well that's not surprising at all.

Chip August:  Well you know, it didn't surprise me either.

[Laughter]

Chip August:  I found myself taking the test thinking, “Wait a minute.  Some of these questions that I don't know - there are more choices and I don't really agree with these choices.”  And then I read the results and thought, “Wow, this is remarkably accurate!”

[Laughter]

Chip August: So I immediately sent it to several friends.  OK, so tell me, you have taken your own test.  What are you?

Sage Vivant:  [laughs] I am two things.  I am the wanderer and I am also a show off.

Chip August:  Ooooh!

Sage Vivant:  [laughs] 

Chip August:  When I was taking the test it felt to me like the test was written a little more for women than for men.  Has anybody ever given you that feedback before?

Sage Vivant:  Yes.  Mostly men.

Chip August:  Mostly men! [Laughs] Well I'm glad I am consistent for my gender.

Sage Vivant:  Yes you are.  And to be honest when I conceived of the book I wanted it to be for both genders.  And I still feel that is definitely is for both genders.

The publisher however felt that men don't buy self-help books.

Chip August:  Yeah, I think that's true.

Sage Vivant:  They don't buy sexuality books.  So they put a feminine cover on it, which still annoys me to this day but I have to trust that they know best.

In any event, when I did the online version of the quiz I really tried to make it dual gender.  And I have been over and over it because a couple of men have written to me and said, “Yeah, you know this feels like it is for women and not for men.”  I have tried to make it so that is comfortable for both but men are still telling me that it seems more female focused.

Chip August:  Isn’t that odd?  You know I couldn't even tell you what about it makes it that way, but there you go.

Sage Vivant:  Yeah.

Chip August:  The thing I was impressed with was even though I was sitting there thinking, “I think this is for women”, I actually thought the result was really accurate.

Sage Vivant:  I'm so glad.  Good.

Chip August:  Yeah.  Now I'm sure I must have missed stuff just doing it online.  I was listening to you say about celebrities and things like that.  I don't think any of that was on the online stuff.  What else would your book tell me that the online didn’t?

Sage Vivant:  Well the online quiz is very much an abbreviated version.  It is scaled down for obvious reasons.  It would be prohibitive to try and put everything in the book's quiz online.  But the online quiz really does I think get to the core of who you are.  I think most of us are more than one type.  So the book would give you more information about that.  It would show you that yes, you are primarily this type but this other type comes in a really close second so you should look at that one too as you read the book.  Online that is hard to capture.

Chip August:  OK now you came about this from years of doing custom erotica.

Sage Vivant:  Yes.

Chip August:  How in the world did you get in the custom erotica business?  Is that a business?

Sage Vivant:  [laughs] It is a business.  It has been almost a decade for me doing that.  I can't even believe it myself.  But I came to it in a sort of strange way really.  People asked me, “Well you must really love erotica.”  And that isn't what made me start doing it. 

It was a combination of things.  One was that I was at that midlife crisis point in my life where I was in industry and in a job that wasn't exciting to me anymore and I needed something else.  I had always wanted to write.  I thought, “This is the time.  I need to do it now.” 

But I didn't want to be poor. [Laughs]  So I had to think of a way to reach people through means that would give me an income as well as immediate satisfaction for a reader.  I wanted to use the Internet.  I thought, “OK, what do people want to read about?”  They want to read about sex and they want to read about themselves.  So I would write about them having sex.  [Laughs]  It was just like a natural outgrowth of that. 

I also felt personally that most of the erotica I had ever read did nothing for me.  I didn't like it and I thought surely I wasn't alone in this.  There must be other people who continually buy these books hoping that it is going to hit all their erotic triggers and then it doesn't.

So I set off to write erotic fiction that is uniquely tailored to individual erotic buttons.  It's gone pretty well I have to say.  People have responded very positively to it.  They always think it's fun when they hear about it.  And lots of people do have, it's sad to see, stories in their heads that they have had for many years.  And they have wanted to try some things maybe but they didn't want to necessarily act on it.  The custom story allows them to live it in a way that is safe and on their own terms.

So I think it is a great way to explore something that you have always been thinking about without taking any risks.

Chip August:  So basically people give you a name and a scenario and basically tell you the plot of the story they would write if only they were writers and then you write the story?

Sage Vivant:  In some cases that is how it works.  In most cases what they have are character names and a setting and maybe a few random scenes that they have always thought about.  Then it is my job or the job of one of my staff writers to craft those scenes into a cohesive story.  That's where the challenge comes in.  And that's why people pay us.

Chip August:  And this is lucrative. You are actually a writer who makes money at writing?

Sage Vivant:  Yes.

Chip August:  Wow.

Sage Vivant:  [Laughs] I don't make a lot of money.

Chip August:  Well hey, if you make any money at writing this is a good thing.

Sage Vivant:  Right!  But yeah, there is money to be made from it.  But the real satisfaction for me is getting e-mails from people later who say, “Wow, we have enjoyed this story so much.”  It is primarily couples that are enjoying these stories and they use it to stimulate their love lives.  They get to do in these stories things they have been uncertain about trying in their life or sometimes it is to celebrate something that they did that they don't want ever to forget.  So the story commemorates it in some way.

Chip August:  I love it.  This sounds fascinating.

[Music]

Chip August:  We need to take a short break to give a little chance to give some support to our sponsors.  I'm Chip August from Sex Love and Intimacy.  We will be right back.

[Music]

[Commercial]

[Music]

Chip August:  Welcome back to Sex Love and Intimacy.  I'm Chip August your host.  I'm talking to Sage Vivant.  At the moment we are talking about tailor-made erotic fiction.  And I'm a little curious here; don't you find yourself just repeating yourself after a while?  Isn’t there just a set number of erotic stories and then you kind of run out?

Sage Vivant:  [laughs] There are certain themes that do come up quite a lot and I am fortunate in that I have my staff writers so that if a story theme comes up that I have written too many times for me to do it fresh, I can give it to them and they write it for me.

For instance, threesomes on a tropical island, I think I have written about all I can ever write about that. [Laughs]

Chip August:  [laughs] Although, maybe there is a book in that.  You know, ‘25 Stories of Threesomes On a Tropical Island’.

Sage Vivant:  [laughs]

Chip August:  And you have just always had a healthy erotic emotional life?  From where does this all come within you?

Sage Vivant:  Yeah, I really have had a healthy emotional life.  Growing up -when I say growing up I mean late teens and early 20s - I used to get accused of being oversexed and focused on sex.  I never thought I was.  And I still don't think I am.  I like to think I have a balanced life and that sex is just a very healthy part of it.

But now I see that I think that it was my destiny to be as intrigued by sex as I have been because it has allowed me to write these stories with this openness that a lot of writers might not be able to bring to it.  It is this fun for me and I am just constantly fascinated by what other people are thinking about and how they view sex because it just really is endlessly fascinating.

Chip August:  And is there any downside to any of this?  Do you find your self unable to tell people what you do for a living at cocktail parties or do you lie to your mother?

Sage Vivant:  [laughs] It depends on the party.  At some parties I feel very free to tell them what I do.  In fact it that may even be why I was invited to the party.

[Laughter]

Sage Vivant:  But with a lot of my family it is true that some of them don't know to this day that I do this.  But my parents know.  My siblings know and most of them are pretty OK with it.  I remember my mother saying to me, “Well I wish you were writing bedtime stories for children instead of adults but I guess I can deal with it.”  [Laughs]

Chip August:  [laughs] Well in some ways I think you are writing bedtime stories for children.

Sage Vivant:  [laughs]

Chip August:  It's the part of our child that –

Sage Vivant:  Yeah in a sense.

Chip August:  Yeah.  You have been a great guest.  It is really great to talk to you.  I really appreciate this time together.  Thanks so much for being on the show.

Sage Vivant:  Oh, you're welcome.  It's been fun.

Chip August:  We are almost out of time.  I just want to say a few things to the listeners here.  First listeners if you would like to give me any feedback about the show you can reach me at [email protected].  That is all one word - personallifemedia.  And the friendly folks at frogz.com, who make accessories for your iPod and your MP3 player, have given me a basket of goodies to give away.  So if you send me an idea for an upcoming show and I use your idea, I will send you a little gift for your MP3 player or your iPod.  So keep those ideas coming.

If you would like a text or transcript of this show or any show on the Personal Life Media Network, just come to our website, personallifemedia.com and you will find text and transcripts of all of our shows.

We are almost out of time here Sage so I just want to wrap up with this.  Have you noticed that doing all of this has in your life actually helped you get comfortable with your own sexual wants and needs?

Sage Vivant:  I think that it has made me more aware of them and that is always a good thing.  That's what my book is about.  That's what ‘Your Erotic Personality’ is about.  It is just an awareness.  And I think all of this, any time that you are thinking about yourself and paying attention to what you are doing and why you're doing it, it's all good.

Chip August:  That’s true.  It's all good.  That's why we named the show Sex Love and Intimacy.  It's all good. 

Sage Vivant:  [laughs]

Chip August:  Thank you so much for coming on the show.  I really enjoyed listening to you and I really enjoyed your website and your blog and I liked taking the test.  I hope the listeners do it too.

Sage Vivant:  Great.  Thank you.  It was fun.

Chip August:  I'm Chip August with Sex Love and Intimacy.  And as always, I like to make sure that my listeners have an exercise that goes with the content of the show.  And listening to Sage today I was thinking about erotic fantasy and thinking about how hard it is for us to actually talk about our erotic fantasies.  I have to say I think the best exercise you could do with your partner would be for the two of you to find a quiet place where you're not going to be disturbed, not naked.  You are clothed, maybe sitting in your living room with some candles lit.  Maybe even with a glass of wine if you want it.

Each of you tell your partner one erotic fantasy that you have.  There is no commitment to act on it.  Nothing you need to do.  Just listen to each other talking about an erotic fantasy.  I notice that couples do this a little at the beginning of their relationship but also that this kind of dies away and goes away later on in the relationship.  So even if it feels awkward and even if it feels uncomfortable, sit and look into each other's eyes.  Breathe.  And each one has a turn telling his partner or her partner about an erotic fantasy that you have.

Now I want to be really clear.  You don't need to act on these fantasies.  But you can if you want to.  For me personally, I think fantasies are magical and don't actually require any other action other than to have them, listen to them and embrace them.  So don't feel like you have to do anything.  Just notice where this takes your relationship to just speak these words out loud.

[Music]

Chip August: I'm Chip August.  The show is Sex Love and Intimacy.  Thank you all for listening and I hope you join me again.  Goodbye for now.

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