Episode 4: You asked! Uncensored Q&A: Asking For What You Want
Tips to Enhance Your Relationship and Have Better Sex
On the minds of Men
By Dr. Lori Buckley
Great sex doesn’t begin when we take our clothes off. Here are some tips to connect with your partner to add joy to your relationship and enhance your sex life
- Meaningful rituals: do special things on a routine basis…weekly romantic dinners, daily loving text messages and/or emails, reading the Sunday paper together
- Be unpredictable: surprise your partner by doing things that are thoughtful and unexpected. A card, letter, small gift, or get away weekend creates loving feelings
- Touch: sensual touch, long hugs, affectionate gestures & public hand holding release the hormone oxytocin, which and gives us a feeling of emotional bonding & lowers cortisol
- Time together: remember when you first met how all your thoughts and free time were devoted to your partner? When in a long-term relationship, alone time with your partner declines. Make time to be together and continue the courtship
- Have fun and be adventurous: in the bedroom and out of the bedroom. This creates attraction & excitement. And fun is good for relationships
- Kiss with passion: passionate kissing is one of the first things to go in a long term relationship. Make sure to have passionate, long, lingering kisses
- Be genuinely interested in your partner and in their life: there’s always more to learn about the person you love…in and out of bed. For example: “tell me about your day”, or “tell me your sexual fantasies”, or “what can I do for you”…
- Acknowledge, accept and manage your differences: 69% of couple’s problems are irresolvable. Much unhappiness is caused by our trying to change our partner and/or solve unsolvable problems
- Add creativity and novelty into your sex life: do things differently. This releases the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is associated with attraction and infatuation
- Appreciate the positive and compliment your partner: it’s easy to focus on your partner’s faults and take one another for granted. Instead, focus on your partner’s positive traits, and then show appreciation with a thank you and a compliment
- Have realistic expectations: all relationships have conflicts, and every one has good days and bad days. Sometimes sex is mind-blowing, sometimes it’s forgettable, and sometimes you just want to forget
You asked! Uncensored Q&A: Asking For What You Want
Announcer: This program is intended for mature audiences only.
Dr. Lori Buckley: Hi, this is Dr. Lori Buckley, and you are listening to “On the Minds of Men: Uncensored Sex Talk with Dr. Lori Buckley.” That's me! Today, we have with us my dear friend for a very long time, Mark Phelan. And Mark Phelan is a man about town. He's going to be the voice of men on the question and answer segment, and he's going to be joining me every week.
Dr. Lori Buckley: You know, so what is that? Is there some idea that you might get some of your semen in your mouth? Is that what the cringe is about?
Mark Phelan: Well, let's face it: There's nice, beautiful little territory there to explore. After the fact, [laughs] I know what's been down there, and it's, ehhh...
Dr. Lori Buckley: [laughs] OK, wait a minute. Let's just back up a minute. If you meet a woman and she doesn't have big breasts, you're not going to ask her out? Is that what I heard you say? So we're finding out a little bit about Mark Phelan.
Mark Phelan: How do I make her scream with pleasure?
Dr. Lori Buckley: We look forward to hearing your questions, which you can send to lori@PersonalLifeMedia.com. So please send in your questions, and we will be answering them on future shows. Now I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Mark Phelan.
Mark Phelan: Hi, Lori. It's a pleasure to be here. And, as I said, I'm a man with a mind, so I feel qualified to be here. But I know very, very little of what's on the mind of women. So, as a man, I really look forward to hearing all the answers, because I expect to be enthralled, entertained, and enlightened with this show. I have a couple of questions that were sent in, and maybe we can start right now.
One is something that I'm sure a lot of guys deal with: “I enjoy oral sex, but my girlfriend is terrible at it. Any advice?” Now, from a man's point of view, any oral sex is great oral sex. But would we really want it to be great, or fabulous? Let's go.
Dr. Lori Buckley: So I think what you're saying is, what I've heard so many times, that there's no such thing as a bad blowjob. And yet it could be better. [laughs] So, any blowjob is a good blowjob, but if we can get a great blowjob, that would be the way to go. You know, if your girlfriend is giving you oral sex, I know that you probably don't want to mess with that. [laughs] You're grateful, and how do you tell her that you'd like it to be maybe just a little bit different or better?
There are ways to communicate about your sexual wants and desires without hurting your partner's feelings. And I think that's what you're asking. When you're talking to your partner, you certainly don't want to criticize, but you do want to request. So you could let her know what she's doing right.
So when she is doing something that you like, whatever it may be--touching you in a certain way, just sucking you in a certain way, or just doing something that feels really good to you--let her know. Just say, “Oh! I love it when you do that!” And then, when she does something that maybe you're not so crazy about, you can say to her, “You know, I would love it if you would just go a little bit softer: It feels so good when you do that.” What do you think, Mark?
Mark Phelan: From personal experience, looking back in my mental archives, I remember one time in particular, a friend of mine actually told another girlfriend that she wanted to get better at it--and I was the lucky recipient of the trial and error. But she really had technique problems. Her mouth was a little small. She was keeping her teeth a little tight--and let's face it: teeth and oral sex do not combine to any kind of a pleasuring scenario. She gradually relaxed. And that was the bottom line: she was just too uptight.
Now, then you go into the same extreme as before. Do you want to give critique? They'll say, “Fine. You don't like it? I won't do it at all.” And then you regret opening your mouth, and closing hers. So it is a fine line, and I think it's all about communication, for sure. And let's face it: it is a great thing to be grateful for. [laughs]
Dr. Lori Buckley: I'm thinking another thing that could be a good idea is to let your partner know that you would like her to show you how to perform oral sex on her, that you want to really please her as best as you can, and then that sort of modeling and opening up the way, so to speak. [laughs] She then feels free to be able to tell you or show you what she likes, and then I think she might just naturally say, “OK, now show me how I can really please you.” How do you think that would work?
Mark Phelan: I think that hits the nail on the head, yeah. Have a little glass of wine or something, and say, “Tonight, it's exploratory night. And we get to basically lead each other down the path to pure pleasure.” So it's wide open: “You have to do what I like,” and, “You do what I like.” That way we're both in a scenario where no one is going to be critiqued or upset, but it's going to be a two-way street. And I think everybody's going to be a willing participant. I wouldn't mind that.
Dr. Lori Buckley: So, what other questions do we have?
Mark Phelan: Well, this next one is something that happens a lot, speaking of exactly what we're talking about: “My girlfriend orgasms only through oral sex. What can I do to make her orgasm during intercourse?”
Dr. Lori Buckley: That is a comment that I hear often, from men and women, and I think that it's important that we realize that many women, if not most, do not orgasm from intercourse alone. Women need--not all, but again, most--direct clitoral stimulation, that you really don't get with just intercourse alone. Now, there are some women who do, who have g-spot orgasms or vaginal orgasms; there's no one that's better than the other.
But there are things that you can do: Mainly, provide direct clitoral stimulation while you're having intercourse. There are a couple ways you can do that: You can use a vibrator. Either she can hold it or you can hold it--and they have those little rockets so that it's not intrusive. Or you can use your fingers--again, you can use yours or your partner can use hers. Encourage her to do that, and you might find that everybody will be much happier, and she will be orgasming.
Another thing that you can do is alter the position. There are positions that you can have during intercourse that do provide more direct clitoral contact, and that is always a good idea. I have to say that orgasms, while they're wonderful, we never want them to be the focus. So if she is enjoying intercourse, even though she is not having an orgasm, you know--just know that that's fine, and take the pressure off of both of you for her to have to have an orgasm, and for you to feel like you have to give her one.
While I certainly applaud your enthusiasm--[laughs] I think it's a wonderful goal--I just want to make sure that it isn't the focus and that you can just enjoy the oral sex. Give her an orgasm that way. Have intercourse. And she doesn't necessarily have to have an orgasm for it to be a pleasurable experience. I'm wondering, Mark: Have you ever had this experience in your life?
Mark Phelan: To be perfectly honest, in a way, if you think about how it works out, it almost takes the pressure off you. Because, if you've already done your business and she's already had a nice orgasm, then you get down and dirty with the intercourse. You basically can do what you want, because you know she's already gotten hers: Now it's time to get yours.
So you're not leaving her hanging, as it were. Usually that's the case: The guy jumps on, goes for a ride, “Thank you very much.” And she's sitting there, twiddling her thumbs going, “What about me?” Well if she's already had it, bingo! Then you can be as selfish as you want and have a great time. That's another side to looking at it.
Dr. Lori Buckley: Then there's also the after-intercourse cunnilingus. [laughs] We don't want to leave that out. I have to tell you that Mark is making faces. [laughs] I'm sure that there are other men out there listening who might be cringing as well. You know, so what is that? Is there some idea that you might get some of your semen in your mouth? Is that what the cringe is about?
Mark Phelan: Well, let's face it: There's nice, beautiful little territory there to explore. After the fact, [laughs] I know what's been down there, and it's, ehhh... It's not as enjoyable to me. First of all, there's a lot of stuff to get out of the way not, and I'd prefer not to. I'd rather do the before, not the after.
Dr. Lori Buckley: [laughs] OK. Fair enough. There is such a thing as a washcloth. [laughs] You might want to consider that. But, hey, to each his own. You figure out what works best for you. Let's go on to the next question.
Mark Phelan: Totally unrelated, actually. But we see a lot of these ads now, and it's a very legitimate question: “Do penis enlargement pills work?”
Dr. Lori Buckley: Good question, but it also leads to a more important question: Does size matter? Well, we'll address the question, and then I'll talk about size. Obviously, the reason why you see so many of these ads, and the reason why they're making so much money is because there are a lot of men buying them. Why are a lot of men buying them? Because they're insecure about their penis size. So there is some idea out there, or some myth, that size matters, and the bigger the better.
There are women who do like a bigger penis; I'm not going to lie to you. However, most women say that it really doesn't matter. Sexual skills are certainly more important than penis size. But even more importantly is what's attached to the penis. [laughs] So if you have a man who is generous and giving in his love-making, and doing whatever he can do to please his woman, and communicating to her and listening to what she has to say, I promise you that a woman is going to be much more turned on by that than a big penis.
I'll get off my soapbox about penis size. Again, I don't want to say that penis size doesn't matter, because I know that for a lot of men it does. I understand that.
And there are certainly some things that you can do. Taking a pill to make your penis bigger is not one of them. These pills really don't work. There have been a lot of lawsuits against them. Now they don't actually say they make your penis bigger, but they say that you can satisfy your partner better, so they're very tricky about the wording. But I'm going to tell you: Do not waste your money on those pills. They really, really don't work. So that's that.
What you can do: You can have a healthy diet and exercise, which will increase your blood flow; It's all about vasodilation. And so, healthy lifestyle, don't smoke, and a good pubic hair trim couldn't hurt. [laughs] So that's what I have to say about penis size and penis pills. Really, don't waste your money.
Mark Phelan: Well, as someone with that equipment, I can tell you it's kind of a thing that guys deal with from high school. It's, “the bigger, the better.” If you've got a big, big, big penis then you're a big stud--which anyone knows is just not the case. I think it also comes down to personal preference: Some men are boob men, some men are butt men. Same thing: If I am just fascinated and enthralled with huge breasts, I may not even ask someone out who's kind of flat-chested. If a woman is only interested in a large penis--well, that pretty much shows where her head's at. If that's not there, you're not going to be able to do anything about it.
At the same time, everything we're talking about here just puts icing on the cake, as it were. Make sure you take care of all the other buttons that you can possibly push.
Dr. Lori Buckley: [laughs] OK, wait a minute. Let's just back up a minute. If you meet a woman and she doesn't have big breasts, you're not going to ask her out? Is that what I heard you say? So we're finding out a little bit about Mark Phelan, man about town. [laughs] A little on the shallow side, maybe?
Mark Phelan: Well there's always a shallow side to attractiveness, the initial attraction, of sparks. Let's face it: Ugly Betty is not what I'm into, to be perfectly honest. At the same time, I am always more than willing to forgive personal flaws if I happen to be sparked and attracted to someone, absolutely.
Dr. Lori Buckley: So now small breasts are a personal flaw? [laughs] And I'm not giving him the mic. [laughs] That's what's so nice about being the host of the show: I get to control the microphone. No, I'll give him a chance to talk. I'll give him a chance.
There are size queens, and if that's what they're into--if you have a woman who's into a big penis and that's what she wants--and you have a small penis, you probably don't want to go out with her. But I will tell you that most women value other attributes much more than they do a big penis.
Mark Phelan: Or you go out and buy a Porsche or a four-wheel drive truck.
Dr. Lori Buckley: [laughs] Exactly.
Mark Phelan: Seriously, though. I don't think I'm that superficial, more than most guys. But at the same time, there are personal preferences. Everyone has a preference that they like: The big booty is fine for some, for others it isn't. It's not a flaw--that's the wrong word to use--but at the same time, let's face it: At least women can get an augmentation.
Now, if they can ever create the penis augmentation, where it's real and it feels right, somebody's going to make a billion dollars. Of course, naturally, I don't have to go and buy it.
Dr. Lori Buckley: [laughs] Of course not. They actually do have penis enlargement surgery. Again, don't do it. My opinion is that it's just this horrible, horrible surgery, and I don't recommend that. I don't want to get into that right now. Let's go on to the next question.
Mark Phelan: This is one: “I found my wife's vibrator. I never knew she had one. Does this mean I'm not satisfying her?”
Dr. Lori Buckley: Maybe. [laughs] I say that half-kidding. No, probably not. A vibrator or masturbation has really nothing to do with partner sex. And if this is something that you didn't know about, my guess is she's been hiding it. You might want to let her know that you found it, and incorporate it into your sex life. It could be a great thing to do together, to make it part of your partner sex, where you know that this is something that she enjoys--unless it was given as a gift and she never used it. But my guess is it's something that she does enjoy. Why? Because most women find it easiest to have an orgasm with a vibrator.
Again, it's just like if you masturbate, does that mean that you're not being satisfied when you have sex with your partner? Of course not. They're two separate things and they're both wonderful. But a vibrator is not a loving partner, and a loving partner is not a vibrator. Maybe if you can incorporate the two--have the best of all worlds--it could really spice up your sex life, and it could be a lot of fun. So what about you, Mark? Have you ever had any experience with vibrators and partners?
Mark Phelan: To be honest, no. It just hasn't come up, for one reason or another. But there again, I think as you get a little older and a little more seasoned with women, you realize it's more about everything--the whole nine yards--versus just one or the other. And if it turned out that that happened to me... Of course, naturally, I think every guy would be offended, because of that natural ego thing. But at the same time, how can I use it to my benefit? To say, “Look, I'm willing. Let's do a threesome with this little thing here. I'm willing to have an open mind.” I think that would lend itself to making my wife or girlfriend even that much more excited, the fact that I do have an open mind about it.
Dr. Lori Buckley: I love that. Having an open mind is such an important thing when it comes to having good sex. And I like what you say about the idea of a threesome--incorporating, not only the toy, but fantasy as well--taking it to an entirely new level. So, while a man may feel somewhat threatened or even jealous of the vibrator: Keep an open mind, have fun with it, and be happy that your girlfriend or wife is enjoying herself.
Mark Phelan: Actually we have another question that kind of ties into what we're talking about now: “My wife makes no sound when we have sex. How do I make her scream with pleasure?” Make her a screamer!
Dr. Lori Buckley: There are a couple of answers here that we have: First of all, she's making no sound during sex, how do you make her scream with pleasure? Well, there's a possibility that she's not experiencing a lot of pleasure. That's one. The other possibility is that she feels self-conscious, or just tends to be quiet during sex. So there's really no way to know for sure, except to maybe ask her. Other than that is to ensure that she is having a lot of pleasure, and let her know how much it turns you on to hear her making those sounds. You want to know that she's feeling good.
And while it might be a little bit uncomfortable at first if she is not used to making any sounds--certainly, you don't want them to be fake--but I would just do some different things. See what you can do to maybe enhance the pleasure--are you spending a lot of time before intercourse with sex play? And by the way, sex play can be done before, during, or after intercourse. And that includes anything from any kind of touching or kissing or fondling or manual touch, to oral sex. All of those things can really build up that desire and build up the experience sexually.
Also remember that desire doesn't just begin in bed. It's something that is outside of the bed, too. The whole relationship can add to the sexual pleasure. So, maybe some romantic gestures, whether it is calling her up and letting her know that you're going to make love to her, teasing, bringing her some flowers, washing the dishes--there are so many things that you can do. But the best way for you to know what that is, whether it's giving her oral sex or washing the dishes--whatever it may be--the best thing is to really talk to her about it and find out what it is. Let her know that you want her to experience the most pleasure that she possibly can.
Mark Phelan: I have to agree. Look at the words: “Aural” is a little different than “oral,” but it's the same thing. I like to hear. If I'm doing something that I think is, hopefully, pleasing, her response--verbally--really adds to it. I like to give her the same response if she's doing something for me. I think it adds to it. It makes me feel like, “OK, I'm hitting the spot. At least she's enjoying it.” It's an extra stimulation.
I remember I had a roommate years ago who had a girlfriend who'd come over. And I used to call it the Olympics, because they'd go at it, and she had no problem being verbal, to the point that people down the block would be making comments. [laughs] Kids below the building would actually park their bikes to listen to this stuff. It was unbelievable. That was an extreme. That didn't do anything for me. But at the same time, if she's always been quiet, maybe it's something that definitely needs to be brought up. Maybe she's lived in a very large home where you can't make noise, I don't know. But it is definitely part of it.
Dr. Lori Buckley: [laughs] Early sex education for the kids in the neighborhood. There's something about noises during sex, and there's something about it being sincere. If a woman is screaming because she thinks that's what she's supposed to do, because she's seen it on some porn film or she has this idea that that's what women do, I'm wondering: Is that as much of a turn-on for men as if you know that she's just feeling so much pleasure that she can't contain herself? Is there a difference, or does it really matter to you?
Mark Phelan: There's the old, great quote from “When Harry Met Sally,” the scene with Meg Ryan doing the orgasm: If I'm hearing that as I'm going to town, it's driving me crazy. But at the same time if I think, for a second, it's fake, it's going to annoy me. Now if you have the standard lines, “Oh, you're so big! Oh, you're so great!” Of course, I'm used to hearing that--it's almost boring.
Dr. Lori Buckley: [laughs]
Mark Phelan: But at the same time, the sincerity level's got to be there, because if it sounds manufactured or fake--like the old doll where you could pull the string and the little words would come out--if there's no sincerity to it... Man, that would kind of hit you in a low spot, too. That wouldn't do anything for me.
Dr. Lori Buckley: So definitely, sincerity is important. And that goes to men as well, for women. So women don't want to hear men say, “Oh, you're the best!” Well, maybe we do. [laughs] But we do want it to be sincere. Compliments are fabulous, whether it's in bed or out of bed. But the sincere aspect of it is crucial.
OK. We're going to take a break right now, and we'll be back. You're listening to “On the Minds of Men,” with Dr. Lori Buckley and Mark Phelan, man about town.
Dr. Lori Buckley: Hi, this is Dr. Lori Buckley, and you're listening to “On the Minds of Men.” With us today is my dear friend, Mark Phelan, man about town, voice for the men out there. We're going to be doing some questions and answers, and Mark is going to be opening up with the first question today. Hey, Mark. How are you doing?
Mark Phelan: I'm doing great, Lori. How are you?
Dr. Lori Buckley: I'm wonderful, thank you.
Mark Phelan: Excellent. Well, let's get right to it: “I'm dating a new woman who I like very much, but there's one big problem: her vagina. Now I swear, my penis is more than adequate, but when we have intercourse, I hardly feel a thing. Any suggestions?”
Dr. Lori Buckley: [laughs] How many of you men out there have experienced that one? You know, I actually have heard this from a lot of men, and it's a tough one. You certainly, under no circumstances, want to tell your partner that her vagina is too big; so let's just put that right out there. [laughs] That would be a huge mistake.
Mark Phelan: The one time when big is not better.
Dr. Lori Buckley: [laughs] There you go, yeah. You know, and the man who asked the question says that he swears that his penis is more than adequate: That isn't always the situation.
But let's really get real here, and let's talk about intercourse. Intercourse is the focus of so many people's sex lives. And, while it's wonderful--we don't want to take anything away from how wonderful intercourse is--it really is just one small piece of the pie. So I would say, do other things. Really expand your sex play to so many other things: oral sex, manual sex, toys. There are just so many different varieties and different behaviors that you can practice that can make sex really wonderful exciting. So when you do actually get to the intercourse part, you're so turned on that you don't need as much stimulation. That's one idea.
The other thing is, you could ask her to squeeze her vaginal muscles. Everybody should do Kegel exercises. And I mean women and men. That's the one thing that I prescribe to all of my clients: Kegels. They're kind of the magic formula for good sex. They absolutely increase a woman's orgasmic potential, and also the quality of her orgasms: They're much more intense when she has very strong pubococcygeus muscles, which is the pelvic floor that gets strengthened when you do these Kegel exercises. In men, it can also help with the quality of your ejaculation, and certainly in ejaculatory control. So that's one thing that I want to suggest. Mark's making faces. [laughs]
Mark Phelan: Just a question: The Kegal? You started to explain it, but it's an actual exercise? Give us a real brief overview of what it does.
Dr. Lori Buckley: Great question. I tell you to do them, I should tell you how to do them. What you want to do is, you want to tighten your pelvic floor muscles. Now, how you can isolate those muscles--kind of figure out where they are--is to squeeze those muscles. When you're urinating, they're the same muscles that will stop the flow of urine. So while you're urinating, just squeeze those muscles--your pelvic floor muscles--and when the urine stops, you'll know that those are the muscles that you want to be tightening.
They're something that you can do any time. You can do them in the car or you can do them at work--nobody can really tell. You want to just try to do them every day. You can start out with doing maybe three sets of ten, and then kind of work your way up. You don't want to overdo it, because, like any exercise that you do to strengthen your muscles, you can overdo it and strain a muscle; you don't want to do that. It is definitely something that's very easy and simple to do, and that can just give you huge benefits in the long run.
So again, just to wrap it all up and make sure I answer this question: Whatever you do, do not tell your partner that she has a big vagina, but you certainly can enhance your sexual experience by incorporating many more and different varieties of different kinds of sex play. You can ask her to squeeze her vagina--and there are probably other positions that you might find more pleasurable. I would say to try different ones: Maybe rear entry might be better for you. And I don't mean anal sex, although that certainly is another option, [laughs] but just vaginal from rear entry could also give you a deeper penetration, which might be a good way for you to go. And that's all I really have to say about that one. Mark?
Mark Phelan: I was just querying about it: Between oral sex performed on her, that moisture, and then it combined with her own lubrication--could it just be that she's over-lubricated?
Dr. Lori Buckley: You know, that is a possibility. Some women do tend to lubricate a lot. And certainly, if you've performed oral sex on her, that can increase lubrication even more. Oftentimes, that's not a problem, but certainly it is for some women. Usually, lubrication actually increases the friction--even though that sounds a little bit strange and seems to kind of be conflicting information--but lubrication actually makes sex feel better. But, certainly there is such a thing as over-lubrication. That's one possibility. It doesn't sound like that's what's going on here.
Let's face it: Women who've had children, that's going to be a problem. That's why Kegel exercises are such a great thing to do. There are ways to tone those muscles. And women, if they have that information, they can benefit from just doing these Kegel exercises. That could really make a big difference.
But again, just follow the advice that I gave you before, and that should be working. And if you're listening out there, I would love to hear how it all went for you. So again, send in all of your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. I look forward to reading them, and Mark and I will be discussing them on a future show. Thank you for joining us. I'm Dr. Lori Buckley, and you're listening to “On the Minds of Men.” Thank you.
Mark Phelan: Have a good day.
Dr. Lori Buckley: Hi, this is Dr. Lori, and you're listening to “On the Minds of Men.”
Well, here's your exercise. These are some tips to enhance your romance and give you some better sex. So these are just some simple tips that take a little bit of time and a little bit of effort, but they will definitely be worth your while. Because great sex does not begin when we take our clothes off: It is something that we work on all the time in our relationship. When we have a good relationship, and our partner and ourselves are feeling connected, and we're feeling loved, and we're feeling wonderful, then we're going to have better sex. So these are some things to do. Nice little tips.
One is to have some meaningful rituals: You want to do special things on a regular basis. So whether it's weekly romantic dinners or some daily, loving text messages, or maybe some sort of seductive text messages, emails, or those kinds of things. Things that you do on a regular basis that your partner gets to expect, and really like. It's also really fun to do.
Another thing is to be unpredictable: Surprise your partner. So do things that are really thoughtful and unexpected. Buy her her favorite chocolate or flowers, or surprise her with a weekend away, or a night in a hotel. Or even just a card or a letter. You'd be amazed at how grateful and happy she'll be. She'll probably also reciprocate and treat you in the same way, which is always nice.
Touch is always important. Now, we're not talking about just sexual touch, but sensual touch: long hugs and nice little affectionate gestures in public--holding hands, putting your hand on her leg, and those kinds of things. When you have a lot of touch, it actually releases a hormone called oxytocin--and yes, men have it too--and that's what gives us a feeling of emotional bonding. And it's really good for us, because we will also lower our cortisol, which is what we feel when we're under a lot of stress. So it's really good for us, and certainly good for our relationship.
Now, remember to spend time together. We can't forget that one. It's something that so many couples forget to do. We're so busy doing so many other things that the time together just gets less and less and less. It's really important to continue courting and continue to spend time together.
Now, when we're talking about really having great sex, you absolutely want to have fun, you want to be adventurous--inside and outside of the bedroom. But when you have fun, adventure, and excitement in your life, it actually creates those feelings of attraction. Fun is always a good thing, and when couples are having fun, they're having better sex and much better relationships.
And when you kiss, don't forget to kiss with passion. Make out. Just long, make-out, passionate kissing. It's really, really important. Also, don't forget to be genuinely interested in your partner and in her life. Don't just ask her how her day was, but ask her what happened that day. So again, that can be in bed or out of bed. In bed, have her tell you about her sexual fantasies and ask her what you can do for her, tell her that you want to really make her happy and just be there for her and make love to her. Believe me, those things are wonderful. And when she can tell you those things that she wants, and you're really interested, and you want to learn more about her--again, in bed and out of bed--that is always a great thing to add to the connection; and also to the good sex.
Don't forget creativity and novelty. We know that when we do that, we have the neurotransmitter dopamine that releases, and that's what gives us that feeling like when we first fell in love: that really intense, lustful, just wonderful, elated feeling. And that happens when we add creativity and do some things differently. So again, whether it's acting out a fantasy or trying a new position or a new sex toy, those things are really important to do, to keep things fun and exciting.
Make sure to appreciate the positive in your partner and compliment her, because it's really easy to focus on the negative things sometimes, especially when we've been together for a while, and take things for granted. When you really focus on the positive, acknowledge it, and compliment your partner, again, you will have a happy and grateful partner. And that's always a good thing to have.
Also, have realistic expectations: Yes, sometimes we have good days, and sometimes we have bad days--and sex is like that too. Sometimes sex, for whatever reason--I think there are so many different variables that determine whether sex is really great, or not so great, and that can change day by day. If we're extra-stressed in our job, or we're not feeling rested or maybe just not on top of our game that day, maybe sex won't be as great. Or maybe there's a little tension in the relationship.
So realize that all relationships have conflicts, we all have good and bad days, and sometimes sex is going to be amazing. It's going to be mind-blowing. Sometimes, not so much. And that's OK, because there's another day and you can just do it again. But have fun, be connected to your partner, really appreciate one another, and just have a good relationship outside of the bedroom, and I promise you you will have better sex.Thank you for listening. This is Dr. Lori. You're listening to “On the Minds of Men.”
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