Episode 6: Ex-Sex with Dr. Lori and Mark Phelan

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Dr. Lori Buckley and friend, Mark Phelan talk about the ups and downs of ex-sex, and disclose the history of their relationship.

Transcript

Ex-Sex Podcast

Announcer:  This program is intended for mature audiences only.

[Music]

Announcer:  Hello.  You are listening to ‘On the Minds of Men - Uncensored Sex Talk’ with Dr. Lori Buckley.

Mark Phelan:  I probably respect you more than any other woman I have ever met.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So you don't want to have sex with me?

Mark Phelan:  Well, I didn't say that.

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Mark Phelan:  Take a program on the computer, you turn on the computer and everything boots up.  That libido boots up.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Is another word for libido penis?

Mark Phelan:  You could say that.

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Dr. Lori Buckley:  Is it because I don't make it go over the top to the boiling point or because you just have so much common sense?

Mark Phelan:  Yeah, I have tons of common sense.  There is nothing more uncommon than common sense.

[Music]

Mark Phelan:  Hello Lori.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Hello Mark.  This is my sidekick and good friend Mark Phelan.  He is joining me today.  We are just going to talk.  What I thought would be fun to do is let the listeners know a little bit about our history, because there is something that has been written a lot about lately, which is ex-sex.  Is it possible for males and females to be friends?  How do I feel or how do you feel or how do all of you feel out there about having sex with an ex?  Is this a good thing?  Is it not such a good idea?  I thought it would be a good opportunity to talk about it and also talk a little bit about our history.  What do you think?

Mark Phelan:  Absolutely.  I think that's where the expression ‘drunk dialing’ came from, is having sex with an ex.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah.  But, I'm talking about, should we tell them about us? [Laughs]

Mark Phelan:  Sure, go spill the beans.  What the heck.

Dr. Lori Buckley: Because I think it is kind of interesting and I think it says a lot about, what can happen with ex-relationships.  So if you haven't figured out by now, Mark and I are exes.  It's been many, many years since we dated.  I'm not going to give you the exact details, but it's been 20 something years. [Laughs]

It's been a long time.  We were very, very, very, very, very, young, just children really.  And so here we are.  And we are really good friends.  We have maintained this friendship.  Now, I guess since we are talking about ex-sex you are probably wondering, if we have sex.  I guess there is a difference.  Do we have sex?  Do we think about having sex?  Do we want to have sex?  There are so many questions that come into that.  But ex-sex can be really hot.

I guess it just depends on the relationship you have with your ex.  Have you had ex-sex before?

Mark Phelan:  Yes, I have had it on a couple of occasions.  Like you said, it can be extremely hot as long as you are on the same page.  I think it is totally unfair when one person is still carrying the torch and you know that and you play into it and take advantage of that.  That kind of sucks, because when it happens to you that really sucks.

But you can reignite that passion and flame.  You can be on top of an IKEA warehouse going for it in a car.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Now, we actually did have ex-sex a while ago.  I don't know if we should give out too much personal information, but it was in a different state on a military base.  We'll just say that.  It was on a military base.  I guess it was probably about two years after we broke up.  That was interesting.  We hadn't seen each other for a couple of years.  We both ended up in that state at the same time, and that was fun.

Mark Phelan:  That was a blast.

[Laughter]

Mark Phelan:  Yeah, it's one of those hallowed halls of historical location.  I can probably count on one hand the number of people who have actually had sex up in that building.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Well, who knows but we did have a good time.  So why is it that, we had a great relationship, obviously it wasn't meant to be.  And we were meant to be friends.  We have had great sex, great ex-sex even.  How is it that we can maintain our friendship, and not go down that path?

Mark Phelan: I think it's the right place at the right time kind of a scenario, because I have the utmost respect for you.  I think I told you that years ago that I probably respect you more than any other woman I ever met.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So you don't want to have sex with me?

Mark Phelan: Well, I didn't say that. There is libido and then there is common sense.  Libido is always talking.  With libido, you can take the mic in turn it down, but it is always running in the background.  It's like a program on the computer, you turn on the computer and everything boots up.  That libido boots up.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Is another word for libido penis?

Mark Phelan:  You could say that.  Libido, the desire.  Absolutely.  It's always running in the background.  I think if you eyeball somebody or see somebody, “look at that!” there are certain people that ignite a little more passion.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  OK, so the desire, sometimes there is more ignition.  I'm thinking we have all heard and we know that this is true that sometimes wit the penis the blood flow goes down there.  And there is no blood flow that goes to the brain.  And it takes over all common sense whatsoever.

So while you are saying, “Yeah.  There might be some desire for me”, it doesn't take away all of that common sense that you have?  Is it because - my ego is being affected - I don't make it go over the top to the boiling point or because you just have so much common sense?

Mark Phelan:  Yeah, I have tons of common sense.  There is nothing more uncommon than common sense.  But at the same time, it is also ego and the fact that you have to quell desire sometimes out of necessity.  You can't bone everybody you want, although that would be a great goal for 2007 for everybody I say I would like to nail.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  One person would be nice at this point.

Mark Phelan:  That would be lovely.  That would be a nice change of pace.  But at the same time, it is also a mutual thing.  And the reason ex-sex can work and be so explosive is when the passion ignites together it's almost palpable.  You can feel it.  It's just like, “Grrrr” and then when you go for it it's just fabulous.

If you are feeling it a solo and you're not getting anything back and then you make a move and it is shut down that's brutal.  I'd rather just not get shut down.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So is that why you don't come on, to me because you're afraid I will reject you?

Mark Phelan:  Pretty much.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] OK.  Good.  I feel so much better.  My ego is back intact.  Mark’s on the other hand has taken a nosedive down.  But I have to say, just in all fairness that I find Mark to be an extremely attractive man.  He is.  It's just that we do have such a great friendship and it’s just not the right time or place, that's for sure.

You know, it gets to a point where when you have been friends for so many years and so many years have gone by, that it just would be awkward.  It's like having sex with your brother kind of thing.

Mark Phelan:  Not that I have ever had sex with my brother, thank you, I have three of them.  Number two, talking about me being an attractive man to ‘On the Minds of Men’ - now if we do it on ‘On the Minds of Women’ you can lay it on them, OK?

At the same time, the bottom line is –

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Wait a minute.  I think this is important that I mention this because I think a lot of men think that if a woman doesn't want to have sex with them it's because they're not attractive.

Mark Phelan:  Well, yeah.  Every guy's going to fill in the blanks.  He's either going to add to the fantasy by filling in the blanks thinking, “Hey, she smiled at me.  She said hello, this time.  Now what does that mean?  This means she's probably thinking about me.”  And as a guy who has experienced this infatuation and unrequited love, I can fill in paragraphs of a hello and a smile.

Dr. Lori Buckley: So I'm just thinking, I'm visualizing this sort of like, ‘I'm going to get laid’-meter.  Where does it fall?  “She’s saying hi to me.  She's looking at me.  She's calling me.  Hmm, does that mean I'm not going to get rejected, and that I might get lucky?”

You know, we are different in some ways, and we are alike in some ways.  When I say we I mean men and women.  We all want to be desired.  We all want to be wanted.  Nobody likes to be rejected.  But there is a difference between, like you said, wanting to have sex with somebody or feeling that desire and acting on it.

Sometimes, even though it is more difficult, sometimes more than others to be able to say, “Look, yes I would like to have sex with this person.”  So whether it is an affair or maybe something that your better judgment tells you that you shouldn't as a friend, whatever it may be, the common sense kicks in and says, “Well wait a minute.  That sounds really good right now at how is the experience really going to be, number one?  And how I going to feel about it afterward?  What are the consequences?”

Mark Phelan:  Absolutely.  Like I said, I think it depends on the state of mind of two different people.  The reason relationships start and blossom is because you have managed to have that common ground at the same time.

Then again, I have recently had an infatuation that literally came from nowhere.  And just because the girl laughed at everything I said, and she had a great sense of humor, and she appreciated mine, but just because she laughed I filled in the blanks of “there is affection returned.  There is interest are returned”.  So naturally, every time there was any moment of interaction, it was social interaction never sexual interaction, social intercourse, never sexual intercourse –

Dr. Lori Buckley: Which is not quite the same.

Mark Phelan:  Hell, no.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, poor Mark.  I think this is a good time to bring this up.  Mark is having a little bit of a dry spell.  We are going to help him out though.  In the next few weeks, we are going to get together with Grant Adams, who I interviewed on a previous show.  If you haven't listened to it, check it out.  He is an expert on Internet dating, and how to attract quality women.  We are going to get together with him and we are going to do some coaching for Mark so that we can get him - OK.  I wasn't sure I was going to say relationship or get him laid.  I say both.  Let's go for it all.  Let's get you a relationship or relationships.  You are only human. 

There is truth to the fact that if you don't use it you lose it.  I'm sympathetic.  I am.  I just want you to know I care.

Mark Phelan:  See, the use it or lose it - I'm using it quite a bit.  I want somebody else to use it.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] OK.  Fair enough.  Fair enough.  So definitely tune in in the next few weeks.  You'll want to listen to that show.  We are going to coach Mark, and in that you will get some great coaching tips as well about how do you meet women.  And then what do you do with them when you actually get them?  So this should be interesting, and this is something that I take very seriously, because I do care.  I am your friend.  And I think it's important that you get your needs met.

Mark Phelan:  And you're tired of me looking at your ass.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [Laughs] Well, we won't even go there.  So, sex with the ex.  The bottom line is, you know what, if it’s mutually consensual thing and you feel like or you consider the consequences - is somebody going to get hurt, my partner or myself?  Are the consequences not going to be worth it in the end?  Well then, you probably don't want to do it.  But sometimes, it can be really hot.  Those of you who have experienced it know that. 

I would love to hear your comments.  Please write me at [email protected].  Let me know your thoughts.  Let me hear your comments.  I will read them on future shows, because I want to hear what's on your mind.

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