Episode 7 - Kissing & The G Spot with Dr. Lori & Mark Phelan

Weekly Exercise

Tips to Enhance Your Relationship and Have Better Sex
On the minds of Men
By Dr. Lori Buckley

Great sex doesn’t begin when we take our clothes off.  Here are some tips to connect with your partner to add joy to your relationship and enhance your sex life

• Meaningful rituals: do special things on a routine basis…weekly romantic dinners, daily loving text messages and/or emails, reading the Sunday paper together

• Be unpredictable: surprise your partner by doing things that are thoughtful and unexpected.  A card, letter, small gift, or get away weekend creates loving feelings

• Touch: sensual touch, long hugs, affectionate gestures & public hand holding release the  hormone oxytocin, which and gives us a feeling of emotional bonding & lowers cortisol

• Time together: remember when you first met how all your thoughts and free time were devoted to your partner? When in a long-term relationship, alone time with your partner declines.  Make time to be together and continue the courtship

• Have fun and be adventurous:  in the bedroom and out of the bedroom.  This creates attraction & excitement.  And fun is good for relationships

• Kiss with passion: passionate kissing is one of the first things to go in a long term relationship.  Make sure to have passionate, long, lingering kisses

• Be genuinely interested in your partner and in their life: there’s always more to learn about the person you love…in and out of bed.  For example: “tell me about your day”, or “tell me your sexual fantasies”, or “what can I do for you”…

• Acknowledge, accept and manage your differences: 69% of couple’s problems are irresolvable.  Much unhappiness is caused by our trying to change our partner and/or solve unsolvable problems

• Add creativity and novelty into your sex life: do things differently.  This releases the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is associated with attraction and infatuation

• Appreciate the positive and compliment your partner: it’s easy to focus on your partner’s faults and take one another for granted.  Instead, focus on your partner’s positive traits, and then show appreciation with a thank you and a compliment

• Have realistic expectations: all relationships have conflicts, and every one has good days and bad days. Sometimes sex is mind-blowing, sometimes it’s forgettable, and sometimes you just want to forget

References:

Gottman, John M.  (1999)  The marriage Clinic.  New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company

Coleman, Paul, Psy.D..  (2006)  The 30 secrets of Happily Married Couples.  Avon, MA: Adams Media

You Asked! Uncensored Q&A Podcast #2: Kissing and The G Spot

Announcer:  This program is intended for mature audiences only.

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Announcer:  Hello and welcome.  You're listening to On the Minds of Men – Uncensored Sex Talk.  Now here's your host Dr. Lori Buckley.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Well hello and welcome.  Today is another Q and A show.  We got a lot of really great responses from the last one so we are at it again.  And I'm looking forward to hearing today's questions.

Dr. Mark Phelan:  Every wants to be able to say, when the girl talks to her friends the next day or even subconsciously says to herself, “He’s just rocked my world more and better than anyone else ever has.”

Dr. Mark Phelan:  I now flash back to when I was in college and I thought, “I'm going to really show this gorgeous woman my skill with the tongue and I'm going to try and show her what I can do other places.”  She finally pushed me away and said, “I don't really like fast tongues.”  In other words I must have been like a fricking lizard.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Mark what is the first one we've got?

Dr. Mark Phelan:  Well, interestingly enough it's a question I have even thought of - the old classic G-spot.  Dr. Buckley, am I missing something?  Is there an A through F spot I didn't know about?  I actually thought the first time I ever heard of it too, what is a G-spot and where did it get its name?

Dr. Lori Buckley:  That’s a very good question.  Well we can first talk about where it got its name.  That is from Dr. Ernst Grafenberg.  He is the one who came up with the G-spot and it is named after him.

Some people wonder if the G-spot even exists.  Yes it does exist.  It's not really a spot.  It's more of an area in the area is really the urethral sponge which is in the front top part of the vagina.  So if you were to stick your fingers in the woman’s vagina, go up about 2 inches, which is really about a fingers length and press upward and forward, you would be able to find it.

It's much easier to find when a woman is aroused because when she’s aroused, one, she will be able to feel some sensation when it is being rubbed but also it does engorge with blood just like anything else.  It is this really pleasurable area for a lot of women but not all women.  Some women report that it is just the most amazing feeling.  They really enjoy it.  Then there are some women who say that they just don't enjoy it at all.  They really feel nothing.  And some women say they even feel annoyed.

So it's worth investigating and doing a little exploration.  Just have some fun with it.  You could be surprised about what you might find out.  Like I said, this is an area, if you're able to find it and your partner is willing to do this with you, she could be forever indebted and you could give her an experience that she hasn’t had before.  So there is that and there is also the good old blended orgasm, which combines G-spot stimulation and clitoral stimulation.  Those two together can be just an incredible feeling.  A lot of women love that.  They say that is their favorite kind.

So I hope that answers the G-spot question.  Do we have another question?

Dr. Mark Phelan:  Well, first of all I am glad that has been reduced.  It would be awfully hard to ask someone if you could explore their Ernst Grafenberger.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [Laughs] A good point.  I forgot to answer the A through F question.  You know, there really are no A and F technically speaking or literally speaking.  But you know what, I think a fun date would be to try to find the A through F spot.  You know?  Hey, let's do the whole alphabet.  Let's find all the different spots on your body that do it for you that are your trigger spots and that really give you a lot of pleasure. 

It's not necessarily just the obvious ones.  There is always the neck and the ear and the lower back and of course the bum and the clitoris and the toes and lips.  But there are areas that we all have that are different.  Some people like having the inside of their arm touched or the tops of their head. 

So kind of have a little game where you come up with your own spots.  It might be kind of a fun language or a good kind of thing.  You could say, “OK honey, I want to have my B spot rubbed.  Rub my B spot today.”  So yeah, make it a game and have some fun with it.  Come up with your own A through F and while you're at it, go for the G.

Dr. Mark Phelan:  Oi vey!  There is a whole new connotation to learning my ABCs.  I can't wait to bring out my dictionary and conjure up these words.  I think it is a fabulous suggestion.  Ergo the whole idea of the communication of each other's areas, spots or whatever you want to call them that bring pleasure.  I think that is great.  It's sex play that sounds like fun without being too demanding.

There again, I can't imagine if I asked a woman about her G-spot and she started explaining about the Grafenberger.  The name itself just does not lend itself.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, it's not really very sexy.  And you know, who has to stop at G?  What about the H-spot?  There is a whole new realm of discovery out there just waiting for you.  So I like it.

So let's read the next question Mark.

Dr. Mark Phelan:  It’s another question but it's almost like a follow-up.  Say for instance it is the first time - and we were just talking about exploring - you're with someone intimately.  As a woman is it off-putting if you start asking questions?  “Does this feel good?”  “Do you feel this?”  “Do you like this?”  “Do you like this?”  Or should you do the old, for lack of a better expression, Braille method where you touch and see reaction wise?

Because you don't want to put somebody in the position where you start having them think, “Wait a minute, he's rubbing the inside of my arm.  What is he doing that for?”  Well, someone else told me it felt good.  I don't want to over think the process, but at the same time my intention is to turn something on, not off.  So at what point do start verbalizing this? I think talking too much can be exciting to some people while maybe putting some other people off.  What do you think?

Dr. Lori Buckley:  That’s a really excellent question.  Certainly talking about in some ways is not very sexy or romantic; I'll give you that.  We always talk about, communicate, communicate.  And people say to me, “I don't feel comfortable communicating.  I don't like communicating.”

Well first of all, there are other ways than verbal to communicate.  So there is nonverbal communication, which is really important.  So, as a lover, whether you are a man or a woman when you are with your partner, you want to pay attention to the nonverbal communications, the moans or the way somebody is moving.  Pay attention to that and you will learn a lot.

But there are times, especially when you are in a new relationship, although I think always there are times when you want to be able to find out.  You want to ask what's going on.  Now, I think I have said this before but it's worth repeating that when you ask open-ended questions like, “What do you want?” Or “What do you like?”  That tends to be really uncomfortable because sometimes we just really don't know.  It requires too much thinking in that moment when we just want to be present and enjoying the feelings and the experiences that we are having.

So sometimes it is really good to just ask either/or questions.  “Do you like this or does this feel better?”  That's a really good question.  Or just when you are doing something, do it for a while and if you're not getting any nonverbal cues just say, “Do you like this?  Are you enjoying this?”  If they say yes, say, “Let me know.  Let me know your pleasure whether it is to moans or when I do something you like, just tell me.  When I do something that feels really good, just tell me ‘that's it.  Right there.  This is what I really like.  It feels so great.’”

So when you put that out there another thing is to model.  So when your partner is giving you sexual pleasure, definitely verbalize either nonverbally or verbally and when she is doing something that you really like, let her know.  We all need that encouragement and that validation.  We want to know when we are doing something right.  When our partners are silent we just have no idea.

We are not mind readers.  There is absolutely no way for us to know.  Believe me there is not going to be a partner who isn't going to be grateful for the fact that you are interested and that you really do want to learn about her body and know the best way to give her pleasure.

But I do agree that you can go overboard and talk too much and ask too much.  So you know you want to spread it out.  Unless you say, “You know what?  Tonight is the night.  Tonight I just want to learn every bit of you.” Again this may not be very romantic.  But you can make it playful.  “Let’s just learn about one another.  I just want to find out.  I just want to touch you everywhere and find out your hotspots.”

So that's hopefully a good answer.  But hopefully you have a partner who is willing to communicate with you and tell you what she likes.  Because if you don't then you are not really going to be able to have the kind of amazing sex that you are capable of having.

Dr. Mark Phelan:  Yeah, that's the information I really want to know.  Obviously every guy wants to be the numero uno. Every wants to be able to say, when the girl talks to her friends the next day or even subconsciously says to herself, “He’s just rocked my world more and better than anyone else ever has.”  Every guy wants that.  It's not just ego but you want to know it was great.  I know it was great.  But you want to be able to know that you're hitting all the spots that are necessary. 

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Absolutely.  Absolutely.  You know, what makes a man a good lover?  It's a man who is thoughtful, who goes slowly - and I talked about that in one of our last podcasts.  It's so important.  Slow down and go nice and slow.  Make it fun.  And a man who really does want to please his partner, who is interested, who takes that time, who is not just absorbed in his own.  So, you do those things and she will be grateful.  You will definitely fall under the classification of a good lover.

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Dr. Mark Phelan:  That’s it.  There it is.  That's a $1 million answer right there.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Great.

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Dr. Mark Phelan:  Hello once again.  You are listening to On the Minds of Men - Uncensored Sex Talk with your host Dr. Lori Buckley.  Now here is the luscious Dr. Buckley right here.  Hello Lori.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Hey Mark.  It's always so nice to have you here with me.  It's nice to have someone to talk to and shoot the stuff.

I don't know.  I was talking to somebody the other day and they were telling me how they really don't like the way their partner kisses.  Have you ever had that experience when you are with someone that you really like?  I mean you really like them but you just hate kissing them.

Dr. Mark Phelan:  I think I have experienced the classic dead tongue syndrome where they just kind of laaaaaaah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yech!

Dr. Mark Phelan:  Yeah.  That's the immediate response.  Also the person who doesn't respond to yours as well; yeah, I think it's that click, when you find that moment and you just both - you don't even think about it, you just think this is fabulous.

But if it's not happening and there is something wrong, man it can just throw the train right off the track.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, and you know what they say.  If you're with somebody and the kissing is just right, well then everything else is right.  And if the kissing isn't right - they also say that about dancing but I don't know if that is so much true - then nothing else is going to be quite right.

Dr. Mark Phelan:  Well being one of the few white guys that really can dance, I wouldn't use dancing as a meter for anybody’s sexual prowess unless you've just got tons of rhythm.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, well. [Laughs]  You know what they say about that.  I don't think I'm going to go there.  I don't know what's appropriate.  Well, it is uncensored.  But is there truth to the whole, you know, certain people can dance better than others, and therefore maybe have some other skills as well.

But yeah, there is something to that.  I have had that experience.  And I do see a lot of couples where they say that there just isn't that chemistry and usually the kissing is one of the first indicators.  So what do you do?  You really like somebody and you go out with them and it is time for the first kiss.  There is nothing like a first kiss.  You're all looking forward to that first kiss and anticipating it and, yuck.

Dr. Mark Phelan:  That’s pretty much it.  It's like taking a bite of a dish and it just doesn't work.  You put the fork down.  You want a rinse your mouth out.  You feel like, “OK, thanks.  See ya.”  It's not fun.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, so as a professional at that point do I say hey, you know what, move on.  Well, maybe.  I'd say if it was your first date or two and you don't have a whole lot invested into the relationship, you might want to. 

But let's maybe think of some other alternatives.  Sometimes people just don't know.  They might be kissing you the same way that their ex-partner kissed.  And that worked really well for them.  We all have different likes and dislikes.  Somebody might really like a lot of tongue.  Some people may not like that at all.  Some people really get turned on by wet kisses.  With some people it grosses them out.

So sometimes it's really a matter of at least giving it a shot.  Say, “Hey, you know what?  Let me show you how I like to be kissed.  I don't want you to do anything at all.  I just want you to just stay there and let me kiss you the way I really love to be kissed.”  You could try that and you could have them do the same.  See if you can find that match.

Also, people are nervous the first time they kiss.  So that could definitely negatively affect the experience.

Dr. Mark Phelan:  Well, let me tell you something.  If somebody with luscious lips starts telling me, “Let me just show you how I want to be kissed”, I am putty in their hands.  Are you kidding me?  That is fabulous.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So it's a no lose situation?

Dr. Mark Phelan:  Absolutely.  It's like let me be your guinea pig and let me show you how to please me.  100%.  We’ve talked about this before – the communication.  If you can’t communicate with a kiss when your clothes are on, and it is the first real touching encounter, then you know it is going to go downhill from there.  If you can start that communication now, just think how great it is just going to keep going.

That's such a great advance.  It's like show me the cards and we are playing.  Yeah, that's a really great point.  If you start doing it that early on in the relationship about something relatively safe, then that does open the door for all of that communication in all of those other wonderful areas.

Dr. Mark Phelan:  And just think, if someone is not receptive to listening to that wonderful little invitation, forget about it.  You can close the door on them.  Because, OK, if they're not going to be receptive to what I am trying to give them this information now, it's going to get worse as the days and the clothes come off.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Right, so there is an example where I would say, “OK, look.  Somebody's not willing to listen or they are not receptive.  And they are not willing to communicate.  Yeah, dump them.”  Absolutely.  Why waste your time?  Especially like I said, if it is early on in the relationship.

So the bottom-line when it comes to kissing - what do you do if you are kissing somebody and it's not really a great experience?  Well, give them a chance.  See what you can do.  Maybe they are kissing you the way that their ex kissed or maybe they are nervous.  Who knows what might be going on?  It's worth a shot.

If it keeps going on or they are not receptive to your suggestions or feedback you maybe want to look somewhere else.

Dr. Mark Phelan:  I now flash back to when I was in college and I thought, “I'm going to really show this gorgeous woman my skill with the tongue and I'm going to try and show her what I can do other places.”  She finally pushed me away and said, “I don't really like fast tongues.”  In other words I must have been like a fricking lizard.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So what you're saying is [laughs] that you got the whole fast tongue, lizard tongue thing going with oral sex, so you thought, “Oh, I'm going to show off that skill with the kiss.” 

So, is it the same?  Well, maybe, maybe not.  But I do think that even with oral sex that may seem like it would be a great thing.  What woman wouldn't like that?  She likes a vibrator.  Why wouldn't she like a fast tongue?  You know what?  Not necessarily. 

So here's another tip you get.  You get all these tips out of this one show.  How fabulous is that?  Not just kissing, but when you come to oral sex, slower is usually better.  There are moments for fastness, don't get me wrong.  But slower is usually the way to go.  And hopefully you all heard my exercise on slowing down.

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Dr. Mark Phelan:  Hubba, hubba.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] So, I think that's enough for today.  So again, write your comments or questions and send it to [email protected].  Thanks for listening.  You're listening to On the Minds of Men and this is Dr. Lori Buckley.

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