Episode 9 - How to Enhance Your Sex Life with Sex Toys with Alicia Denchasy

How to Enhance Your Sex Life with Sex Toys: Podcast Interview with Alicia Denchasy

Announcer:  This program is intended for mature audiences only.

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Dr. Lori Buckley: Welcome to ‘On the Minds of Men’. I am your host Dr. Lori Buckley. Today on this show we’re talking about using sex toys to enhance your sex life. Our guest today is Alicia Denchasy, co-owner of Freddyandeddy.

Freddyandeddy began as a website for great information, sex toys and DVDs. In addition to their website, they have a very special and unique store that I frequently refer to my clients. I am here now and it’s fabulous. We’ll talk about it more.

Alicia or aka Eddy and her husband Ian or Freddy, the owners of Freddyandeddy have been together for over 18 years. They’ve been on the Tyra Banks show, the Discovery channel, CBS and a dozen more television shows. They believe sex and intimacy are integral to the happiness among jeopardy of a relationships and that these components should become better, the longer couples go together, kind of opposite of what we think it is.

At one time, they would have scoffed it, visiting an adult store or cruising the web looking for sex toys. Today, they realize sex is a beautiful and natural occurrence. They wanted to create a place that’s sexy, discreet and fun, where couples could come and enjoy and no pressure, relaxed atmosphere, to learn about and shop for adult products, and that they have absolutely accomplished.

In the store, it’s a garden patio then espresso bar and the library filled with books of erotica, sexual self-help books and romantic literature. Separated from the library by French doors is an adult product showroom filled with quality products that they personally endorse and I believe try.

Clients may even rent a DVD or check out a book from their library. Their storage in Venice Beach, California, it’s open from 11:00 to 7:00, Monday thru Friday and 11:00 to 6:00 on Saturday. They also provide private appointments at no charge or with no pressure to purchase, by request. So you can enjoy visiting the store in complete privacy. This gives you the flexibility to visit based on your level of comfort in an adult environment.

“UTA MARU, it’s a Japanese creation, of course, and it actually, if you ever went to one of those Asian markets and you see those giant clowns, at race again, it’s the tongue that hangs out, it kind of looks like that but it really does the job.

It’s not going to replace you when I get that, for some times from men that tell me that, “Well, why would my partner want to have a vibrator? I mean it’s saying that, “I am not good enough. I am like…”, No, does your penis vibrate? Does it?

“One of my number ones is called the Pulshion Worm by Fun Factory and it’s a day glow ring worm, eyes are in it, it smiles like you. I am sorry, if you think that looks like your penis, you’ve got some other issues here than having a vibrator to it.”

Dr. Lori Buckley: So welcome Alicia.

Alicia Denchasy: Hello, Lori.

Dr. Lori Buckley: Hi, I am just so thrilled to have you with us today and to be a guest in your wonderful space that you and Ian have created. I know that our listeners are going to love to hear all that you have to say and learn all that you have to teach, because I know you know so much and really, they can go to your website, they can get all kinds of information but we’ll talk about some advise that you can give on the best sex toys and DVDs and how they can be used to enhance their sex life.

So why don’t we start with hearing about the newest and hottest sex toys?

Alicia Denchasy: Fine, there’s so many to choose from, where to start. Let’s start with, well, we have masturbation toys for men. With those, it turned out to be really great and unique product to bring into couple’s relationship because, masturbation toys have been around for Ian’s thinking it’s going to just be for single guys and they’re just going to be by themselves, so it’s fine.

But you know what, I know that a lot of guys always say, they want their partners especially to, “I want to watch you play with yourself. I think that it’s really sexual. Let’s see”, and I said, “Okay, well my husband believes that”, and I said, “All right, but it can be a flip. We can flip that also. I want to see you play with yourself and masturbate”, and he’s like, “Aey, why would you want to do that? I mean that’s close, you know, that’s my thing and that’s…”. “I might know you’re in your sexual height and you’re in this world that’s just like, just you as you feeling all this pleasure. So let me watch you little bit”.

So he did and one of the toys that we use is called the UTA MARU and it’s probably the ugliest things you’ve ever seen but it does the job. It’s a really, masturbation toys basically are made up of silicon, has entry and also opening in the back but it grips the shaft really really tight and it’s also wet so gives the man a nice kind of grip and pull and back where it’s kind of rubbing on it and has that low texture to it.

Dr. Lori Buckley: Well, this sounds really great. So this is something that men can use if they don’t have a partner, which is always nice to switch things up a bit and that something you’re saying to bring into the relationship can be fun for the women to watch. I like what you said there. I think there is sort of this double standard and can you just repeat what that is called and how do you spell it.

Alicia Denchasy: Well, it’s called the UTA MARU, U T A, M A R U, it’s a Japanese creation of course, and it actually, if you ever went to one of those Asian markets and you see those giant clowns, at race again, it’s the tongue that hangs out, it kind of looks like that but it really does the job. It’s our number one product actually.

Dr. Lori Buckley: Well that sounds great. I am thinking also maybe for, when the partner, woman partner has a headache or something, is he quite in the mood?

Alicia Denchasy: Well yeah, actually what’s really great is what we’re teaching our women also is, you know there’s this whole thing about giving a hand job and when you do have a headache or you’re not in the mood or maybe it’s that time or whatever.

So we actually have introduced another product called a psychic, which is another masturbation slave. It has these knobs all the way inside, it’s little knobbies, and basically just loomed your partner’s, basically it’s penis and you put this on and you do this hand job and it feels great for the guy because it’s something unique and it’s really kind of makes it fun for the woman because maybe she’s not in the mood but yes, she wants to please her partner. So that’s another enhancement.

Dr. Lori Buckley: That’s great. So it’s something that makes again different but also fun and maybe, I hate to use the word but, maybe easier for the woman to give a good hand job.

Alicia Denchasy: Yeah, we want to always improve techniques. So yeah, now let’s try that a little.

Dr. Lori Buckley: I like it. What other are the new sex toys out there that you think that can really help either a man or a woman or just partner sex.

Alicia Denchasy: Well, let’s see. I mean there’s another one that’s really great, which we really promote is cock rings and they’re really kind of unique in the business, especially for heterosexuals, couples, because they’ve been around for Ian’s but basically a cock ring, all it does is it holds the blood in the shaft and for a longer and harder erection, and that’s all it does, its enhancement, but now they’re making them where you have a little vibrator on the top of them or on the bottom of them which way you want to use it, and so that’s great, so if it’s great for one for him because that feels great, two, has a vibrator for a clittel-simulation for their partner and you can either use it that way or here’s the clitter, you can actually turn it around underneath where the vibration, hits the balls basically, and as to use it in a different play like giving up blow job.

So giving a blowjob, but yet you’re getting the stimulation with this vibration on the bottom. It just wakes at everything up and it turns out to be of really fun to me.

Dr. Lori Buckley: Well, is it the greatest, all these fun toys in different ways that we can play? We’re sitting in a room right now and I am looking at feathers and mask and so sensory kind of toys, which maybe we can talk a little bit about.

I am going to ask you a question right now because I think this is one that our listeners absolutely want to know and because of all of your experience in talking to so many couples and also being in this world where you’re exposed to things that I know I don’t even see it, I am learning so much being here today.

So let me ask you, what is one thing that men can do to become a better lover?

Alicia Denchasy: Basically, the number one thing is to communicate. That’s our whole mantra of what Freddyandeddy is all about. Communication is a huge part. I know it might sound boring and you would think it’s like everybody would know that but you know what, as we grow older together, basically things change and so if you’re not in touch with yourself or touch with your partner to see all these changes, you kind of go in different ways and different paths.

So the whole thing is about, you know what, you might want to do something a little more kinky or just something that kind of changes a little different from your normal routine and so, you need to talk to him and talk to him or you need to talk to her, both together because it’s good. Change is good, you’re always growing and moving.

Dr. Lori Buckley: Yeah, I agree with you 100% on that because you can’t communicate, in bed certainly it’s probably a little bit challenging outside a bed too and I think that it enhances your communication all around in the relationship and of course we know how important that is.

We also know that when it comes to sex, that it also is more challenging for whatever reason and I think it’s just because of society’s views on sex and all the messages we’ve received growing up, so I am going to combine that last question with what we were talking about here in this room with the other sex toys and like I said, I am seeing some really fun things here that have to do with erotic play or sensory enhancement.

So I am going to ask you a double question here which is, 1, if somebody does want to spice things up and add some novelty, do something a little different or “kinky”, what could they try maybe starting out, and how would they communicate that to their partner?

Alicia Denchasy: Okay, in BDSM, which stands for, it’s an acronym for Bondage Dominance and Sadomasochism, that’s its basically three different plays, they’re not always together, most of them are not. They’re just single on there but how, what we produce it, or how we make people come into it as an entry level, it’s basically sensory play, all right?

So one of the things that would be great to start off with, is a mask, all right? Once you put a mask on your partner or it happens to be on you, you have to use six other different senses, such as smell, touch, feel…all these different sense now instead of just your eyes, that you’re so used to.

So now you can kind of let your mind wander and let everything else your body, just the pureness of touch affect it. So using a mask is great, using anything, it could be a feather, just a nice little feather duster which you can trace down from the inside of the, or the side of the neck down to the front of the body in inner thighs, down to the bottom at the feet, because the feet has all these nerves on it.

So you use all this for the partner or the receiver to kind of feel. Now, when you use that, they’re communicating by their ‘ummms’ or ‘like that’, so you’re getting them, the partner, to actually come out of their shell a little bit to kind of express it, and then you can move from then on, it kinds of guide you for it.

Dr. Lori Buckley: So what you’re saying is, I mean I love the sensory enhancement. That can really just make such a difference and what you’re saying is be might for not just communication doesn’t have to be just verbal. There’s also this non-verbal, which I talk about a lot. I think the verbal is also important but for people who maybe don’t feel as comfortable, they can start out with the non-verbal to kind of guide them along the way. Is that what you’re saying?

Alicia Denchasy: Exactly, even of the body, watch how the body moves. As your partner there, as you’re tickling them, going down the body, is the back arching, are their hips moving up, everything, you just have to look at the different ways and kind of read it because I know it’s very hard for couples to talk about to each other, especially during sex because you just never know each other, they don’t want to disappoint one another, they don’t want to get feelings heart. So you need to just try to basically listen to what they’re saying or what you’re hearing and seeing basically with your own eyes as they’re expressing their body because they’re basically trusting you.

With BDSM, trust is a huge, you know, because that person doesn’t know when it’s going to come, all of sudden that’s ‘smack’ and you’re like, “Wow, what’s that”, and some people don’t even know that this might excite them but they’re like ‘wow, umm, okay, kind of like that’.

It’s not, there is huge, it’s not even a fun line. There is a difference between a really abrasive play versus this entry level. This is all about learning, about the body, learning about your partner, that’s it. It’s just another way of communicating.

Dr. Lori Buckley: And it also sounds like a lot of a fun. When it can be playfulness like I am just going to put a mask on you and I just want you to just relax and enjoy and trying out different touches and different sensations. It sounds like it could be fun and so well it might be a little uncomfortable but first, you can add a lot of playfulness into a couple’s sex life.

So I am here with Alicia from Freddyandeddy. We are talking about sex toys, how to enhance your sex life. We are going to take a little break and when we come back, we’re going to talk about vibrators and how to add them into your sex life.

Moderator: This program is proudly sponsored by ExpandedLoveMaking.com, your source for taking lovemaking pleasure to a whole new level.

Dr. Lori Buckley: Now, we’re going to talk about vibrators. So let’s just talk a little bit about this. Alicia, what would you say to men who feel threatened or uncomfortable with that, introducing a vibrator into their bedroom?

Alicia Denchasy: Let’s say, are you crazy? This is an enhancement for both of you, for an already good relationship. It’s basically bringing a little more fun into your sex life. It’s not going to replace you when I get that for some times from men that tell me that, “Well, why would my partner want to have a vibrator? I mean it’s saying that, “I am not good enough. I am like…”, No, does your penis vibrate? Does it?

It’s not bad at all. It’s just adding a little more fun to adding to a vibration to the clitoris, which a lot of women love. I personally do. I am a clit girl, you know, I am very proud to say that. Having your partner’s penis in you, that is one great thing. It’s fulfilling, it’s really a connection for two bodies. I am on that but adding a vibrator, all it’s doing is just giving a little bit more oomph to it.

So you’re just having a little extra fun in activities. They come in all different colors, all different sizes and most of the ones that I carry aren’t even realistic, which means basically it looks like a penis, they’re all like fun ones. They are like colors, there are different shapes that could be a even a little more alien to it or one of my number ones is called the Paulson Worm by Fun Factory and it’s a day glow ring worm, eyes are in it, it smiles like you. I am sorry, if you think that looks like your penis, you’ve got some other issues here other than having a vibrator to it.

It’s ribbed for more clitoral play other than a G-sport if you have more internal vibrators because there’s the clitoral vibrator than there’s internal for G-spotters on that. So there’s a huge gamin of different displays, of designs and different kinds of powers because some women, they can’t do with a lot of power, they just want a little bit simulation, so, but vibrators are just once again, enhancement.

Dr. Lori Buckley: And this sounds like that can be fun and Fun Factory, I love this, that’s the manufacturer or that one toy. So just do it. Just do it because it’s an enhancement and if it’s something that enhances, why not, right?

Alicia Denchasy: Yes, and just you do it once again, you’re just adding something fun. That’s like you just, one of those days when you get a leveled hair, you’re just like you’re going to wear a pink shirt because you’re going to add a little jazz to your day. So this is really a fun thing and once again, it’s going to help you communicate with your partner and go on that long journey. You want that long journey to go forever, but you know what, things go a little brink. You know, it’s just life, so let’s change that, add a little vibration to it.

It has nothing to do about you. That’s a hang up that I think a lot of men have and it really is not true and when maybe your partner or a lot of women won’t get that because they feel this. You guys are talked about a little bit or that she might feel ashamed about getting one, maybe she’ll get one for herself. They say, “Okay, this is for when you play by yourself”. No, bring it in together. That’s the whole thing. You’re going to experience this. You want to go to next step.

Dr. Lori Buckley: So the long journey and I think you mean long term relationship or marriage and when I introduced to you, your idea, you and Ian when you developed your website and the store as to have a place to really help couples, enhance their sex life and how to get better and better over time instead of lose it’s zing or it’s… I don’t know, kind of it’s attractiveness and it’s excitement and so vibrators are really great, a great way, I would agree with you on that.

I have a question for you, another one and this question is about questions and I am just wondering because you do talk to so many people, I am just wondering what questions men or women have for you, the most? What questions do you get asked the most often?

Alicia Denchasy: I suppose yeah, we do get a lot. I mean there’s always different ones. It’s frankly my head, I would think it’s just basically how can I please myself or how can I please not myself but for my partner, and so we talk about it.

Really, I get a lot of information and some times when I come together, which is great, they would have never sat down and told each other what they’re telling me, sitting on a couch. Now, they’re all well like kind of like this, no looking at each other like, “He never told me that”, you know.

So we get the questions about how do, which toy is going to make it for us and I said, “Yeah, maybe not”. Maybe this where you’re at, something that you’re…experience something new, that is the answer to that but I mean overall, the questions is, what toy is going to make it? What’s the best way, and it’s really funny because my husband went on, “You know what the best toy is out there? The toy is, for guys, it’s a dishwashing sponge and some soap”, and he says that’s what’s the best toy he gets because you know what? When the dishes are clean, then sure you’re going to get a lot more sex because your partner doesn’t have to worry about it so much.

So we get those questions, we get some questions about how to enhance their lives a little bit more or what is something new? The question is about how to bring their partner into a store to even bringing a toy, which is great because I didn’t bring up. We didn’t brought in a toy until ten years into our relationship and then I realized, oh my god, what was that? Am I going to know and it goes did you just haven’t…you know, orgasm? I go…ohh I think so.

So I get those questions, I get question from women all the time about how to play a certain way, whether it’s anal play or how to do it a better blowjob, because unfortunately, guys think that they watch a lot of porn and most guys that watch porn, its just the natural being of what it is, and so they think that, yes, we want our heads jabbed down on to the penis so we gag, what the gag reflects in for? Oh that’s what we want to do, that’s really sexy.

So we get these questions about that, how to do it better, because they don’t know and there’s really no classes out there. I mean from even from high school, learning about the body, about the anatomy and how to deal with it, or how do I get maybe a certain smell about our bodies, how do you do that? Well, for that, it depends what you’re eating. You’re smoking, you’re coughing, I mean you’re having a lot of coffee, so we get all these, you think they’re insignificant but they really are everyday life.

So we get those questions. We get questions about, “Well, you know what, I am kind of interested in maybe going with my partner to start swinging but we don’t know anything about it. What is that all about”, and so we told them. This is a kind of a nice haven for, we’re going to give you the guidelines. We are a resource and that’s what we truly believe in because there was nothing out here when we needed it as a couple.

So either as a single person or a couple, it’s like there’s so many things out there within sexuality but because of our culture and what we are in, even in 2007, I get so many people that don’t even know their own bodies. I get women here that don’t know where their clitoris is, I get men that don’t know exactly, “Well, how do I keep an erection? What am I going to do? What pill should I be popping for this”, and that’s not their only answer. So we give them other avenues to look into.

Dr. Lori Buckley: Yeah, so what comes to mind is you’re saying all this is, there’s so many question out there and it’s funny because we live in a society where there’s so much information and yet because they’re so much, they’d almost vice each other out. We don’t know where the good information is, there’s a lot of misinformation out there as well and so having good, solid resources and people you can talk to, who know what they’re talking about, such as yourself, it’s such a great thing.

I really do appreciate what you do, and speaking of resources, I just wanted to ask you one more question before we wrap up, I really would like to talk to you about adult DVDs. I get a lot of couples who ask about this, where the one partner likes it and the other partner doesn’t. They’re just so controversial and I am wondering what you believe are the benefits and/or concerns about watching adult films, either alone or with the partner.

Alicia Denchasy: Adult DVDs are actually one of the greatest resources and unfortunately, because most of the market, when they create a mall leisure, it’s for jack off material for men, simple as that. So to get a partner, especially a female and bobbed into it, it’s so hard thing to do because we’ve all been brought up, oh that’s are only for guys and they’re all pretty choosey, and to tell you truth, they are choosey.

So to have something as adult film become party viewer repertoire with sex, it’s a huge step. One, being that men are very visual. Two, women like stories and they want romance.

Well, not too many porn have that or entertain each other. So we’ve done a lot of watching, a lot of watching over the years and I basically even to show people or to use as a resources on our site or in the store, I only have a good, maybe 25-30, that’s not very many in five years, okay?

So we are looking for ones that can enhance for both women and men. So I have a whole line of educational line videos called ‘loving sex’. The one thing about this line is that we love is that they’re real couples making real love on video, not porn stars and actors on a sound stage. So you can basically, you know it’s making it available for women to kind of feel comfortable because that’s what it does, just wouldn’t like oh I don’t want to see that, you know.

First of all, she’s got fake bras and you know this ‘ooh’ ‘aah’ and this fake orgasm so on, this is not exciting for me, but then when you have an educational line, it’s not clinical but it really kind of showing different topics about Kamasutra, how to pleasure her and so on, or so many topics, even the topics of swinging. This is a good avenue for you if you’re interested in it. Just have a inkling but you don’t want to possibly go to these specific places but you can kind of watch and kind of inform yourself. So there’s that line.

I have another line called that we basically labeled ‘Docky porn’ and with this is a line that we call by concept films. They basically film a couple about how they got together, their whole relationship and so on, it’s kind of like a little love story and then it shows them actually making love.

So it’s really these truth, they’re not made up bodies, they’re just real people. Yes, they are mostly pretty people, definitely they’re nice looking couple so they’re very nice to the eyes for both. So you have that kind of thing ‘Docky porn’. Yes, I have regular porn which is full on, just that contract girls that everybody knows, kind of a wicked or vivid and so on, and they’re in there. They do what they do, okay?

So you have that because it might be very visual for both the guys and the girls. Usually, that’s a little more advance down the road. So if you’re trying to introduce it into a relationship, you’re trying a little more slower but you never know and most women, they don’t quite know what they want but until they watch and have an open mind to seeing something, you know you have to go with the flow.

I had couples come in here and one guy came in and said, “Oh well you know, she just laughs at porn”. I get it. Yeah, we now let that point lightly, you know. Some of that is laughable. So laugh with her because maybe she is nervous about it and so she is laughing at it and it is ridiculous. Some of them are just where the porn stars are European.

Let’s take that for example, there is a porn star named Nakira Denise and she is just voluptuous, looks gorgeous, very European looking and just lovely, right? But as soon as she opens her mouth and says, “Fuck me, fuck me god”, you know and you’re all ‘ooh, ooh, no, no let’s mute that, let’s mute that”. So you have those kind of porn.

Now a days, you just got to try. I also have to tell people, when you watch porn, you’re just allowing about so much of little bit until you get a hot and heavy, then turn it off. You’re not supposed to watch the whole thing. So that’s really one of the keys.

So there is just such, we talk about resources as I mean there’s just, it never ends and so but the idea is when it comes to any kind of film, adult film, to really keep an open mind, watch different things to find out what you like and what you don’t like because there might be some things that you don’t think that you would like as you don’t know, but when you watch it, you might think, “Oh, so actually it’s not so bad”.

So there really is so much to choose from, that you can always find something that will probably appeal to you and could definitely teach you a couple of things or at least be a great tool to add that communication into your sex life.

Dr. Lori Buckley: Wow, just some really great information and again, your store and your website so anybody, anybody anywhere can go on to the website which is so fabulous. We have websites up, it always makes it so nice and if you do want to find out more about freddyandeddy or you want to purchase any of the products we talked about or just, all kinds of articles and information and films, just go to freddyandeddy.com and of course their store is located in Venice Beach, California, if you’re local or you’re in the California area, but again, just so great, just so much knowledge.

I am going to be talking with Ian, the other half of Freddyandeddy, the Freddy part. Soon we’re going to be talking to him about how to have stronger and longer lasting erections. So I will be back and I look forward to coming back and thank you Alicia for joining us. Thank you for all of your information, and I also want to let you know listeners that you can go on to my blog and I will be talking about some of the toys and things that I have seen today in the store. So you can find out more about those.

Again, thank you Alicia.

Alicia Denchasy: Well, thank you Lori, it’s a pleasure.

Dr. Lori Buckley: And I am going to say goodbye for now. Thank you for listening to On the Minds of Men and this is your host Dr. Lori Buckley. Bye bye.

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