Episode 11: Sexy Talk with Mark Phelan

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Dr. Lori Buckley and friend, Mark Phelan address the topic of sexy talk and the power of words. They discuss text sex, and give some tips on how to use words to enhance your sex life. More Details on this episode go to http://personallifemedia.com/podcasts/minds-of-men/episode011-mark-phelan-sexy-talk.html

Transcript

"Sexy Talk" with Mark Phelan

Announcer:  This program is intended for mature audiences only.

[Music]

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Welcome, you are listening to ‘On the Minds of Men – Uncensored Sex Talk’.  This is your host Dr. Lori Buckley.

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Dr. Lori Buckley:  “I am so turned on by you.  I love being with you.  I love seeing you naked.  I can't believe that you're in my arms right now.  It feels so good.”  Would that be something that would be doable or comfortable for you?

Mark Phelan:  Hold on.  I'm writing that down.  That's good.  That's good.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So we have text messaging.  We have phone sex.  We have e-mail sex, or cybersex.  So there are all these different ways that we can use our words.  And then there is the one that we talked about at the beginning of the show, which is sex talk while you are having sex.

Mark Phelan:  Oh yeah, you definitely want to know that you're hitting the right spots.  You don't want that fake rote, “Oh baby!  Oh baby!  You're so big!  It's so good!”  Of course, that's all I ever hear anyway.

Mark Phelan:  My standard is usually, “Your hair is like field of golden daisies!  I would love to run barefoot through your hair”

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] There you go.  That would make me hot.

Mark Phelan:  That pretty much describes what the drug continues.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] There you go.

Mark Phelan:  Three things happen when you start to get older.  The first one is you start to lose your memory.  And I forget the other two.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] You’ve already told that in the show – [laughs]

Mark Phelan:  That’s it.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  You forgot the last time that you said – [laughs]

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Well, I also can say that knowing that George Clooney or Antonio Banderas are probably not going to come up to me in an elevator and say, “I want to fuck you”.

[Music]

Dr. Lori Buckley:  I have with me today is my friend and sidekick, Mark Phelan.

Mark Phelan:  Ola Seniorita!

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] Hello there.  Have you been on vacation?

Mark Phelan:  Yeah, I was in Pomona last weekend.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] Oh, how exciting!  I'm just wondering, we talked a couple of weeks ago about your sex life.  Any action?

Mark Phelan:  Cuomo?

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] I guess that's a no.  We still have not met with Grant yet.  We are going to do that and I know that you have a profile on an Internet dating website.  What's going on with that?

Mark Phelan:  It’s one of those peculiar things.  I can't wait to talk to a professional about it.  You put what you think is a very savoir-faire attractive package together and you put it out there as a ware.  It's like you're putting it in a retail shop and you put it in the display window and you hope that somebody does a little window shopping and maybe buying.

Unfortunately, the people window shopping and buying are 10 years older than I am.  [Laughs] Not interested!

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Well, it actually brings something up because I want to talk today about words.  We could call it sex talk maybe.  Or we could talk about text sexing, which a listener wrote me a letter about and told me about how text sexing had really improved his relationship and his sex life.  So words are so powerful and can be really, really sexy in and out of bed. 

We talk about Internet dating.  Yeah, the picture is one thing.  But the words in the profile and the things that you describe that you want and how you describe yourself are also really, really important.  So when we think about that, when you read somebody's profile, what is it you really look for in those words?

Mark Phelan:  First and foremost, jabos.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  What the heck does that mean?

Mark Phelan:  Oh, you're talking about words, not pictures.  Oh, OK.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs]

Mark Phelan:  I look for joie de vivre.  That is the extent of my French.  A zest for life.  Somebody who seems like they could be someone I would like to get to know because needless to say, I wouldn't mind having my turtle waxed as it were.  But at the same time I wouldn't mind spending time with somebody I would like to get to know.

So I look for that kind of an attitude.  Now, the things that can turn it off immediately would be the classic, “I enjoy exotic sports cars and the Côte d’Azur and fine dining and jetting about.”  OK, fine.  That's fine.  That's great if that's what you're into.  Look elsewhere.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  I think what I am hearing is because there is a, I don't know, and money focus there.  But also what I talked about with Grant is that when there is an ‘I’ focus - you know, ‘I like this.  I want this.  I do this.’  I know Grant said that people don't really want to hear that.  They want to hear about what you want in them.

So if you are someone who loves life and loves sex and has a lot of passion and likes to laugh, you are the person that I want.  There is a connection there.  I say that because I think it also goes into when we are talking about sex talk, or how you use words to make things hotter in the relationship and also in the bedroom, words can be really important.  So it works the same way.

I want this or I like this - certainly we want to know what our partner likes.  But I think something that is a little bit hotter and a little bit more enticing is, “I love it when you touch me in this way” or “I can't wait to ravage your body and kiss you all over”.

Mark Phelan:  I agree 100%.  I don't think you can communicate too much.  I have always been, even though I have been in a long-term relationship and can feel totally comfortable, I still can feel a little shy about what I would say.  Because I think in the back of my mind I don't want to sound like some sleaze ball corn, “Oh baby, what I'm going to do to you.  Light your fire baby, baby.”

I don't know.  Some women would like it.  Some women wouldn't.  I don't want to be in a position where I might turn them off because I'm going in that direction.  So a lot of times I just won't say it.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  I think you're not alone in that.  So we know that communication is important.  We know a lot of people like to hear those words.  And yet, it is so difficult to do.

So I think I am hearing a question from you here.  How can I talk about that or be sexy, talk sex or dirty talk, however you want to call it - I don't know if I like dirty talk - although dirty I think has been given a bad rap.  It can be certainly a positive thing.  How do you do that in a way that you don't feel uncomfortable and that also doesn't feel uncomfortable for your partner?

I think there are some ways to go about that.  Initially, just to talk about what you are thinking and what you are feeling. “I am so turned on by you.  I love being with you.  I love seeing you naked.  I can't believe that you're in my arms right now.  It feels so good.”  Would that be something that would be doable or comfortable for you?

Mark Phelan:  Hold on.  I'm writing that down.  That's good.  That's good.  See, I mean that's good information because I think that is a nice subtle way of starting it.  And then going about it - I have been with a couple of women who get just filthy, vile, I mean raunchy, but they liked it.  I didn't know they liked it until after the fact.  So it's not something I would throw out because the things they were asking me in the general course of a day, I don't know, if I said that to someone I think the light would just click off and I would lose every opportunity I ever had for the future.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, you don't want to start out with, “Fuck me bitch.” [Laughs]  It's probably not a good idea.  Yeah, you want to start off with something that again, you feel comfortable with and that you know is not going to offend your partner.  Of course, the more you know your partner and the more comfortable you feel, we always talk about how really sex is much better that way.

Let's talk about text sex for just a moment.  What this particular listener wrote was that while his wife was away, when he knew she was with her family, he was sending her these really sexy messages, flirty, sexy, telling her what he would like to do with her or how he couldn't wait for her to get home so they could make love.  This was something that was very unique and new.  They had been married for a very long time.

Apparently she really loved it and started sending text messages back to him.  He was really surprised at how sexy and flirty she could be.  He really didn't even know that she had it in her.  So sometimes when one person opens up that gate, it models for the person and lets them know, “Oh, OK.  This is something I can do.”

It's liberating when you know that your partner is able to speak so freely and therefore you can then open up and speak your mind freely and talk about what you want to do and what you like.

Mark Phelan:  Yeah, when you first mentioned it I was thinking, “OK, well with phone sex at least you have one hand available to service, as it were”.  Then I realized OK, with phone sex you can still be inhibited.  You can still be shy on the phone.  So text may not be as personal.  But then again, it opens it up to that, ‘I'm just typing on a little screen.  And then I hit send.  I wait very excitedly for the response.  If the response is positive then I am getting into it and in that context I could see how it could, especially if no one has ever broached that before, could be something that is, “Wow this is exciting!”  Lighting the fire.’

I think trying anything is the way to keep it going.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, and thank you for mentioning that because there is a really important distinction here.  When we are talking about text sex, no we are not talking about jacking off, as you are text messaging your partner.  We're talking about creating excitement and anticipation for something that is going to happen in the future. 

That's very different than phone sex, which is where, in that moment when you're on the phone, it is sex at that time.  So they are two completely different things.  Not that one is better than the other.  I guess you would need to feel what is comfortable for you and try some new things. 

But this text sex concept - what I like about it is, because we talk so much about creating this connection with your partner outside of the bedroom, creating this anticipation, something to look forward to, something that's different and novel.  And when you text message somebody, it can be a really great venue to do that because you are just writing one sentence at a time.  You can maybe try some things that you wouldn't feel quite comfortable verbalizing yet.

 However, I do want to mention one caveat, which is you also don't want to avoid verbal connection or connection with your partner through text sex.  So you don't want to just do that.  It's kind of like quickies.  It's a great thing but it's not something that you want to have as a regular part of your sexual repertoire because then it becomes a way of avoiding.

If somebody is constantly text messaging their boyfriend or girlfriend or partner and not talking to them directly, then that can create a disconnect.  So we want to use it sparingly and use it to its fullest, which is really creating this excitement and anticipation.

People in the old days, in the olden days, maybe what, a year ago?

Mark Phelan:  In the ‘90s.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  In the ‘90s?

Mark Phelan:  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  They would write little notes and put it in their partner's pocket or in their briefcase or something like that.  That's still a lovely thing to do.  But text messaging is just another avenue to do that.

So we have text messaging.  We have phone sex.  We have e-mail sex, or cybersex.  So there are all these different ways that we can use our words.  And then there is the one that we talked about at the beginning of the show, which is sex talk while you are having sex.

We want to hear your pleasure.  Women want to hear your pleasure men.  And we want to know what you like and what you want and how it is feeling.  That makes us feel really good.  And I would imagine you feel the same way.

Mark Phelan:  Oh yeah, you definitely want to know that you're hitting the right spots.  You don't want that fake rote, “Oh baby!  Oh baby!  You're so big!  It's so good!”  Of course, that's all I ever hear anyway.

It's been so long since I heard that.  But the bottom line is yeah; every guy wants to know he is hitting a home run.  That's huge.  I've heard women say, “You’re being so quiet” and I'll say, “Who have you been with?  Zulu the Warrior before this? I mean, Tarzan screaming out his lungs?  I thought I was being very verbal.”

There again, it's personality wise.  And obviously as you get to know somebody you can loosen up.  I may have mentioned before about a roommate I had years ago who would bring his dancer girlfriend home and it sounded like the Olympics going on.  It was like this grunt, groan, scream festival. 

And it was very annoying except one time when I had a date.  I think it may have been a first date, where I was about to apologize to the girl by going, “I'm really sorry about that”.  And what she was hearing was lighting her fire more than I was.  So I ended up being the beneficiary of it.  I didn't join in screaming and yelling but she was being turned on by hearing it I think in the next room.  So she got almost as verbal as they did.

But at the same thing, I was just imagining like you said, the little note in the briefcase kind of thing.  You have your phone on vibrate and you're at a concert or a meeting whatever.  All of a sudden you just check it and it says, “I can't wait to get my hands on you tonight!”

Bingo!  That would make my night.  That would be fabulous.  So texting that way can be tremendous.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, it's a great thing.  I cannot believe you're chewing gum.  You can't do a radio show with gum in your mouth! [Laughs]

Mark Phelan:  That’s true.

Dr. Lori Buckley: So take it out and put it on your nose.

Mark Phelan:  I hope I brought enough for everybody!

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs]

[Music]

Dr. Lori Buckley:  You are listening to ‘On the Minds of Men’.  This is your host Dr. Lori Buckley.  We are going to have to take a quick break right now but we are going to come back and we are going to talk more about sex and sex talk.

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[Commercial]

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Dr. Lori Buckley: We are back.  And we're talking about sex.  And we are talking about sex talk, communication.  Communication - we talk about it all the time.  And you know, one great thing and I think I may have said it before but I am really going to talk about this because it's so powerful.  And I have a lot of couples that have found this to be so helpful for their sex life. 

It is to go out and buy a Nancy Friday book on fantasies, you know ‘My Secret Garden’.  There are a few that she has, or to go out and buy a book on erotica.  There are a lot of short story erotica books written by women, written by men.  There are some great ones out there.  And read them to one another.

So reading each other erotica is a great way not only to rev up your sex drive, but also to really get some ideas of how to talk.  I know that obviously is a little silly.  But it can be really fun too.  So read each other some erotica.  Try some different things out.  Like Mark said, you don't want to make it really fake and insincere because that can be a real turnoff, right?

Mark Phelan:  Oh, absolutely. My standard is usually, “Your hair is like field of golden daisies!  I would love to run barefoot through your hair”

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] There you go.  That would make me hot.

Mark Phelan:  That pretty much describes what the drug continues.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] There you go.  Now we understand what's going on here.  So far, a little lesson.  Let's give it a shot.  Let's see what you can do right now, on the spot.  Here it goes.  Let's try out some sex talk.

Mark Phelan:  Ah, your heaving bosoms.  They spill forth like a playful little whales.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Well, we know who has been reading erotica! [Laughs] Little whales.  It's lovely, lovely.  Maybe we should try that one more time.

Now again, a little lesson.  A little coaching here.  If you talk about - imagine, just imagine, think back, way back [laughs] what is that signal you're giving me? - And think back [laughs] and think back to a time that you were with a woman and she was naked.  What were you thinking?  What were you feeling?  Just talk about that.

Mark Phelan:  Three things happen when you start to get older.  The first one is you start to lose your memory.  And I forget the other two.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] You’ve already told that in the show – [laughs]

Mark Phelan:  That’s it.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  You forgot the last time that you said – [laughs]

Mark Phelan:  It’s also a good excuse.  I have no sense memory about being with a broad, a dame, a wench, a skirt, a tomato, a dish, a broad!

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] Mark, Mark!  OK.  Do you want me to give it a shot?

Mark Phelan:  Will you please?

Dr. Lori Buckley:  OK.  I love being naked with you. Your body feels so good.  I love the way you touch me.  That kind of –

Mark Phelan:  [howls]

Dr. Lori Buckley:  That kind of a thing.  That's a good way to get started.  When you start doing that than your partner can respond by saying –

Mark Phelan:  Yeah baby.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] Well, it's a start.  Yeah baby.  It's a start.

Mark Phelan:  I mean it's - hearing that – now, I think it's a beautiful introduction because it is subtle and it starts off quiet and subtle and you can just build.  I think the key there is listening to see the person's response because if they are starting to get into it then you get more descriptive.  If they are backing off then you respect that.  You don't want to just keep going for it.

If somebody says, “Yes, I feel that way too and then I want to fuck you.”  And then you have got to pull it back.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  There is nothing wrong with the occasional ‘fuck me’.  But again, it really needs to be sincere.  It needs to be when you really are at that place, one that is what you want.  And if you don't feel comfortable saying ‘fuck me’ certainly you could say, “I want to feel you inside me.  I want to make love to you.  I want you to make love to me”

So there are ways to do it within your comfort zone.

Mark Phelan:  Now, as a woman, what would you do with a guy just whispered that in your ear, “I really want to fuck you”.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Well it would depend on the guy.  It would depend on what was going on.  If I was in the middle of washing the dishes or writing a column, I don't know.  It really depends.  There are so many variables.

But overall I think it's pretty sexy if he said it in a nice way and he came and touched me in a gentle loving way.

Mark Phelan:  How about if it was in an elevator and you didn't know him?

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] Antonio Banderas or George Clooney?  Then I might be interested.  I don't know.  Again, maybe it depends what mood I'm in.

Mark Phelan:  What a slut!

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] So y’all know little bit more about me.  OK. Well, I also can say that knowing that George Clooney or Antonio Banderas are probably not going to come up to me in an elevator and say, “I want to fuck you”.

We talk about the difference between fantasy and reality.  Fantasies are just that.  We fantasize about them.  We enjoy them.  But do we really want it to happen?  Not necessarily.  They are two completely separate things, which is actually a great segue to talking about sex talk.

There are some rules that couples have where they can say, “Hey, if we are horizontal or we are in bed or I have a hard on, then what we say doesn't count.  It's just fun.  It's play when it comes to fantasy.  So have different role-plays like, ‘OK, you're the professor and I'm the student’ or ‘I'm the cop and I just pulled you over for a ticket’, all of these different kinds of role-plays which can be really fun.

Or the fantasy of, ‘Yeah, we are going to have a third person in our bedroom.  Let's go pick up a girl or a guy and he or she is going to do this to you.  And I'm going to do this to him.’  Having that kind of talk fantasy while you are in bed can be really, really hot. 

Again, it's something that you need to talk about before you actually do it.  But you start talking about having a third person in the bedroom and you know that something that you or your partner would never want to do, it can certainly not lend itself to good sex.  But when you talk about your fantasies, outside of the bedroom start talking about them.

What kind of fantasies do you have?  We all have fantasies.  All of us do.  Usually there is a typical theme that follows along with those fantasies.  But when we know more about our partner's fantasies, we know about what they think about when they masturbate, we can incorporate that to increase the level of arousal and more importantly, to have fun, which you know I am always talking about.

You have got to have fun when you are in bed to create that novelty, that excitement, to keep things hot, especially when you have been in a long-term relationship.  So it is fantasy.  It's toys.  And all that requires communication.  It requires words.  Words are very, very sexy.  Would you agree?

Mark Phelan:  100%.  Absolutely.  You were talking about the whole Internet dating things too.  When I finally broached the point of getting phone numbers, I listened to the tone of voice too.  That makes a difference.

It's the excitement that comes and the words people use and how they respond to words.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  True.  When you listen to somebody, they could be a lovely person, but if they speak with a monotone voice and they are not very energetic, you don't really want to have much to do with them.

So our voice is very important.  I don't think it is about creating a voice.  It's about being full of life like you said and just being passionate about what you are doing.  And that shows in your voice.  And it also shows when you are feeling uncomfortable.  So when you are feeling uncomfortable and you're not able to verbalize your feelings or your desires in a confident and passionate way then it's not going to work in your benefit.

So practice.  You know what, practice alone.  What the heck.  Just sit in front of a mirror and just say some things that feel maybe a little uncomfortable because I think if you wait until you're comfortable or you only say things with which you feel comfortable, you may never speak at all.  So you do need to push yourself a little bit to try some new things.  It's only uncomfortable at first.  It then becomes easier and it even becomes fun.

Mark Phelan:  Also, watching old movies - I love watching - Turner Classic Movies.  You see great stuff like one time Frank Sinatra was talking about it.
He said, “The way to a woman is you treat a dame like a lady and a lady like dame.”  That was interesting.

Also Humphrey Bogart – “I never met a dame who didn't understand a slap in the face or slug from a 45.”

Dr. Lori Buckley:  I don't know if that one would go over very well these days. [Laughs] Humphrey Bogart.  He can pull that off.  I wouldn't recommend it for you Mark.

Mark Phelan:  Yeah, but the derivative comes from that.  I think if you don't have the game, find the game.  If you've seen a movie or read a book and thought, “Wow, I wish I could say that!”  Well, paraphrase it.  Steal it.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  You know, it's funny when you mention those movies.  When I think about those old movies, you know Cary Grant and Clark Gable and Humphrey Bogart; they exude such confidence, such manliness.  And it is hot.  There is something about that.

So when you talk about tone of voice, confidence, authority.  Can you fake that?  Well maybe.  Maybe it's acting as if.  If you can act as if and speak as if, then you will become more confident.  You will become more self-assured.  And certainly you will get a response from your partner.

I feel pretty confident to say that you will get a response from your partner, a positive response.  Therefore, you will feel better.  You'll do it more often.  You will also show her that this is safe for her to do as well.  It's so important. 

It's something that most people really feel uncomfortable with.  And it's one of the easiest, most powerful things that you can do.  I say easy meaning simple.  It's really not easy as much as simple.  It's simple.  It can become easy just by doing it.

So I encourage you to all go out there.  See what you can do.  If it means reading some books together out loud, go for that.  It means just talking about what you are feeling and what you are doing in that moment, that's a great place to start.  Or even better, if you don't want to go there yet, do what our listener did.  Start out with a nice flirty text message.

You know, I also had a client come to me and tell me that what she had done was she had taken a picture of her boobs, along with a text message and sent that to her husband, telling him that she couldn't wait to see him that night.  And she was very surprised when she got a return picture.  And it was not of his boobs.  They had so much fun that night.  And they created this playfulness that they hadn't had prior to that.

So take some risks.  Have some fun and verbalize what you are feeling.  Go for it because words are sexy.

[Music]

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So, on that note, I want to say thank you all for taking the time to listen.  If you want transcripts of the show or any other shows on Personal Life Media or like to ask any questions or have any comments, please write me at [email protected].

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