Episode 15: "Oral Sex" with Mark Phelan

Listen Now
RSS: Subscribe
RSS: iTunes
In this episode, Dr. Lori Buckley and friend, Mark Phelan answer a listener’s question about oral sex. They discuss the two things you need to know to get your partner to open up to new ideas and increase her desire for oral pleasure. More details on this episode go to http://personallifemedia.com/podcasts/minds-of-men/episode015-mark-phelan-oral-sex.html

Transcript

"Oral Sex " with Mark Phelan

Announcer:  This program is intended for mature audiences only.

[Music]

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Welcome.  You're listening to “On the Minds of Men” and this is your host Dr. Lori Buckley.  I'm here today with my friend and sidekick Mark Phelan.  We are going to be answering a few listener questions.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  I think that that's true when you get older.  You are going to be a little bit more careful about who you share your soul with and your penis with, which is a good thing.  So I'm glad you're not just, as you said, picking them up and slamming them down.  We don't want that.  That's not a good thing.

Mark Phelan:  But also I don't drink the way I used to either.  So I can't drink them pretty.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] They get prettier at closing time?

Mark Phelan:  Exactly.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Oral sex is much more prevalent in quantity and enthusiasm at the beginning of a relationship and tends to die down as relationships go on.

Mark Phelan:  Why is that?  What is wrong with you chicks?  You don't want to do it anymore.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  And the guys too by the way.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  There is nothing, you know more pleasurable than giving - well maybe there is.  We certainly want to get back.  But giving our partner pleasure, especially when we are feeling connected and feeling loving towards our partner can be a very enjoyable thing.

Mark Phelan:  Here’s my significant other, she comes and starts rubbing my leg and starts unzipping my pants and I'm like Bingo!  She's going to start going to town on me for no reason out of nowhere.  I don't know any guy who wouldn't just go, “Whoa!  Now we’re talking!”  And out of the blue, boom she finishes off, “OK honey, I hope you liked that.”  And then she walks away or, you know, “Here’s a beer.”  I mean that's the classic thing.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  You can use that as a barrier between your tongue and your partner’s genitals.

Mark Phelan:  Yeah, that sounds stupid.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Well, it's good if you are with maybe a –

Mark Phelan:  A hooker.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] Yeah, don't do anilinguis with a hooker!

Dr. Lori Buckley:  How are you doing Mark?

Mark Phelan:  I'm doing outstanding Dr. Buckley.  How are you?

Dr. Lori Buckley:  I'm good.  We are very formal today.

Mark Phelan:  Exactly.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah.  So tell me what's going on in your sex life.

Mark Phelan:  Eh?

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] Oh, oh!  You know one of these days I'm going to ask you that question and you are going to fill me in and give me some good positive news.  I feel so badly for you.

Mark Phelan:  No, no, no.  I'm just looking to find somebody that I can fill in.  Ba dum dum shh!

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Well, OK.  We really need to work on that.

Mark Phelan:  Well you know, let's face it I am a little pickier than the average guy who hasn't had any lately.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Well maybe that's it.  Maybe you are too picky.  Do you have a personal question I can help you with?

Mark Phelan:  Well, it's kind of - we talked about being online and all those things.  The same thing comes down to it.  In a way I would rather be solo, I would rather be by myself than get involved in a relationship that has nothing else going on.

Now, back in the good old days, you know the 90s, the 80s you could actually meet somebody, “Hey do you want to - blah, blah, blah.”  Go out one time.  Boom.  Boom.  At least have your jollies as it were and then move on.

Now the pick them up and slam them down just isn't around.  I don't know where I'm going.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So is this because it's not available or you don't want that anymore?

Mark Phelan:  I’d be happy to avail myself of it.  Just the places to go, needless to say as you get older, it's not very comfortable to go into some little teeny bop place.  And I still remember going into places when I was 21, 24, 25, I'd say, “Oh, look at that guy.  He's in his mid-30s.  What's he doing in here trying to get a young chick?”  Well now I know.  Because young chicks are fine to look at but at the same time it kind of alienates you and the older lounge things that used to be around 10 or 15 years ago, you would go to an older crowd like in a hotel lounge.  It was an older crowd.  They don't exist anymore.  They really don't.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Well, I think there is either the really young crowd or the really old crowd when it comes to clubs or hangouts or bars.  That's been my experience although you know I don't think a bar is the ideal place to meet somebody.  But I guess it really doesn't matter at this point, right?

So you might be picky about who you are meeting but you're not going to be picky about where you meet them.

Mark Phelan:  No, I mean I have more confidence talking to people than I have had before.  But at the same time I am pickier.  I see women all the time and I just think, “There are no sparks.”

Dr. Lori Buckley:  I think that this has something to do and I think that this is relevant for our listeners because of our age.  You know we talk about the Boomers or anybody really over 30 at this point.  You get to a point where you know more of what you want and what you don't want.  And while in one aspect you're pickier you're actually wanting a relationship even more, at least the relationship aspect, not just the sex.

I think if you really just wanted to go out and get laid you probably could, if that was really your focus and your goal.

Mark Phelan:  Yeah, I think so.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  I know you well enough to know that's not the case.  And I think that that's true when you get older. You are going to be a little bit more careful about who you share your soul with and your penis with, which is a good thing.  So I'm glad you're not just, as you said, picking them up and slamming them down.  We don't want that.  That's not a good thing.

Mark Phelan:  But also I don't drink the way I used to either.  So I can't drink them pretty.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] They get prettier at closing time?

Mark Phelan:  Exactly.  The old go ugly early.  That was the mantra.  You know, when we were college age, the old expression - I still have a friend of mine –

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Go ugly early.

Mark Phelan:  You’ve never heard that?

Dr. Lori Buckley:  No.  Explain.

Mark Phelan:  Well, that's it.  It's like instead of waiting –

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah.

Mark Phelan:  And spending money and talking to people and chatting them up, somebody's going to go for it.  At 10 o'clock go for it.  Go ugly early.  Save yourself all the aggravation of looking for the closing time when the lights go up and you go, “Uggh!”

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] OK.  So why don't we read the question?  Let's read the question.

Mark Phelan:  The question here, it looks like it's from Madison, Wisconsin.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Wow.

Mark Phelan:  Hey, we are transcontinental.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] I'm impressed.

Mark Phelan:  Basically, it's a couple that get along fine it seems like.  It says, “My wife and I have been married for 15 years.  We have tried everything that there seems to be to try.  But we like to do something different once in a while like on special occasions.  Now a special occasion to me would be an anniversary or birthday.  I just happen to really like the concept of the oral fixation and everything about it.  Now my wife is not as into it as I am.”

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So I think what the listener is asking is how does he get his wife to try new things?  And it sounded like specifically oral sex.  And I'm wondering if there was ever any oral sex in the relationship. 

As we spoke about in my interview with Dr. Herb Goldberg how oftentimes oral sex is much more prevalent in quantity and enthusiasm at the beginning of a relationship and tends to die down as relationships go on.

Mark Phelan:  Why is that?  What is wrong with you chicks?  You don't want to do it anymore.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  And the guys too by the way.  And you know I think what Dr. Goldberg said, which is really great - and by the way if you have not heard that podcast, go listen to it in the archives because it's really fabulous.  What he says is we have this polarization of our subconscious stereotypes, gender stereotypes or gender roles and that really creates distance in the relationship as we move closer.

Women want fusion.  Men want disconnection.  We end up feeling disconnected altogether.  Nobody's getting what they want and then of course when the connection dies, the sex dies down and certainly the excitement and motivation to please your partner sexually and orally.

So that's a problem.  How do we do that?  Well part of it is if we think about what motivates us.  Sometimes it's our thoughts.  Sometimes it's our feelings.  Sometimes it's our behaviors and that's certainly true with sex.  When we stop having sex we tend to lose our connection even more.  It disconnects us as a pair even further and then of course the sex becomes even less important or less exciting.

So when we start having sex more, even though we may not feel like it, it changes the relationship where we start to feel more connected.  We start to feel more loving towards our partner.  We know that because of our hormones.  Oxytocin specifically, which is a bonding hormone that we release when we have sex.

Mark Phelan:  Can I buy that?  Is that available over the counter?

Dr. Lori Buckley:  If we could it would make a fortune.  But you know what?  Even better is it's free.  All you need to do is have great sex and pleasure your partner so she has an orgasm and she has that bonding hormone.  And then of course we also know things like helping out around the house –

Mark Phelan:  Now we're talking sexy.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  And giving her sincere compliments.

Mark Phelan:  Now this brings up something.  Now, two things popped into my head.  Is it possible too that the wife now knows that maybe hubby is good for one good go around and if she takes care of him orally all he's going to want to do is nod off?  “OK.  Thanks honey.”  [snores]  Roll over.

Versus as when you're first getting together, that passion is like, OK that's a nice warm-up.  Now let's get to the real meat of things.  We are going to go all night kind of deal.  That just gets put on the shelf.  I don't care if you're young or old.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Right.

Mark Phelan:  Because I remember way back when, when I was a youth that the testosterone was bubbling over and once, twice, three times was in the course - that was normal in the course of an evening.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Right.

Mark Phelan:  But even as the relationship went on well, once was fine.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So the woman maybe is thinking, “Well, you know, if I go down on him he's just going to, that's going to be it.  I'm not going to get pleased and that's going to be done.”

Mark Phelan:  Right.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Well, you know, that's an important topic to bring up.  And that's where communication comes in.  Sometimes it's good to just take that time and give your partner pleasure.  One, it can be really enjoyable for the person giving.  There's nothing more pleasurable than giving - well maybe there is.  We certainly want to get back.  But giving our partner pleasure, especially when we are feeling connected and feeling loving towards our partner can be a very enjoyable thing.

Mark Phelan:  Now how would you feel if someone just, and you are involved in a relationship –

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah.

Mark Phelan:  And you're just doing stuff around the house or whatever and all of a sudden he just grabs you and pulls your pants and just really makes you say, “No, you're going to receive.  This is all on me.”  And then just takes you.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Well –

Mark Phelan:  But not the usual.  The usual is I'll jump on you and then just start fucking your brains out.  Versus just orally.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So my partner says –

Mark Phelan:  He doesn't even say it.  He just does it.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Just does it.  Well, you know this is interesting because I hear a lot of complaints from women, and this is so big.  This is a whole topic right here.

Women say, “Oh, you know, my partner he just - I'm washing the dishes or I'm vacuuming or I'm reading a book and he comes around and he grabs my boob or he starts, you know fondling my clitoris.  And he thinks I'm supposed to be ready and turned on.”

Women don't really work like that.  So on the one hand there is the concept of, you know, of being taken and being pleased and women like that.  But it needs to be done in the right context, the right process, you know.  There is a process involved here.

But what happens is, is when men do that they get rejected.  And then what they do is, yeah they shut down and –

Mark Phelan:  OK, fine I'll never do that again.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Right.  And they're like, “OK.  Well she's just not interested.”  So how do we create that environment where the man is feeling rewarded for his actions and his loving gestures, which they are loving gestures?  At the same time how is the woman going to experience it that way?

So one is just this understanding that we need to know.  Again, we always get back to communication.

Mark Phelan:  Because as a guy –

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah.

Mark Phelan:  If, you know I'm sitting there watching TV or something and all of a sudden here’s my significant other, she comes and starts rubbing my leg and starts unzipping my pants and I'm like Bingo!  She's going to start going to town on me for no reason out of nowhere.  I don't know any guy who wouldn't just go, “Whoa!  Now we’re talking!”  And out of the blue, boom she finishes off, “OK honey, I hope you liked that.”  And then she walks away or, you know, “Here’s a beer.”  I mean that's the classic thing.

But I mean it without any - what am I supposed to, “No, no that was my little thing for you.”  I mean my mouth would drop and go, “Wow, this is unbelievable.”

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Right, and that's the difference between, well one of the differences between men and women.  Again, we always want to remember the similarities.  The similarities are we all want to be desired.  We all want to be loved.  We all want to be pleased.  We all have those needs.  And yet we go about it a little bit differently.

So for women, there does need to be that right frame of mind.  You know, we are so distracted by so many things.  And when we are, even though women are able to multitask little bit better, when we are in the middle of doing something or we are thinking about something - the kids or the house or work or whatever it maybe, when we are in that frame of mind it's really hard for us to go right into sexual mode.  Most women that I talk to need to have some transitional stage, some form of relaxation.

So two things I would say for men to really be aware of are one - that seduction starts the minute you wake up.  We talk a lot about that on this show.  It's a 24-hour thing.  It doesn't just happen two seconds before you decide you want –

Mark Phelan:  The text-messaging thing we're talking about.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Right.  It could be text messaging.  Again, it could be helping around the house.  It could be a loving kiss every morning when you wake up or when you say goodnight.

Mark Phelan:  There’s a way to do it.  If you get subliminally in tune and you get husbands, boyfriends to think if they vacuum the house or mow the yard they might get a blow job for it, now you're talking.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  We’d have a lot of really nice looking lawns.

Mark Phelan:  And you would have some very clean households.  Oh, what's happening?  Well, I'm vacuuming again.  Didn't you do it yesterday?  Yeah, well –

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, that's one part of it.  It's just one part.  So yes, so seduction -

Mark Phelan:  The barter system.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  There you go.  Well, you know it helps a woman feel cared for, appreciated and the second part, which is falls right into is relaxation.  So women need to feel loved and appreciated and connected before they want sex and typically they need to be relaxed.

So what does that mean?  Does it mean that you always have to give your partner, your woman female partner a long massage?  No, although that can help.  It could just be saying, “Hey, lay down.  Have a glass of wine.  I just want to please you.  Let me just touch you.”  Maybe running her a bath.

There are all kinds of ways.  So constant connection, seduction - not constant but –

Mark Phelan:  The old thing we talk about is it's the cerebral versus the physical as much.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Right.  Our brain is the biggest sexual organ.  The second one is our skin.  Incorporate both of those before you go diving for the clitoris.  So when you do those things and then the man was to say, “OK.  Now I'm just going to, I just want you to lay back, spread your legs and I'm going to please you.  And I don't want you to do anything.  Just lay back and enjoy and relax.”

I promise you you will have a grateful partner.  Now then, you know when you say to her, “OK.  I would, you know, could you do that for me?” she’s going to be much more open to that.

Mark Phelan:  Right.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So that's one we talk about –

Mark Phelan:  You should have the idea to be altruistic in mind, to say, “This is all on me tonight.”

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Right.  Right.

Mark Phelan:  You don't say, “OK, now it's my turn.”

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Right, and especially that night.  You don't, right after, when you're done, “By the way –“, and also it doesn't have to end in orgasm.  You don't want that to be the focus.  And let her know that.

“I just want to please you.”  You could even say to her, “I don't want you to have an orgasm because I want this to last a really long time.”  And that will really heighten things up.

Mark Phelan:  A lot of women would say, “The way you do it, there's no problem.”

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Which brings us back to - and we have talked about this - communication.  While you're doing it, ask her, “Do you like it this way or do you like it this way?  Do you want me to put my finger inside you or would you rather I don't?”  You might want to even grab a little vibrator.  So there are all kinds of things –

Mark Phelan:  I've heard of the alphabet - doing the alphabet with the tongue.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  There you go.

Mark Phelan:  Is that good?

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Well, I don't know.  It depends on what letter you are on I suppose. [Laughs] O might be a little more popular than, what, Z. Although, you know, you never know.

Mark Phelan:  Dot the I.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So you could try different things.  I mean it certainly could be fun.  The problem with that is, you know sometimes when a woman is experiencing pleasure you want to stay in that area.

Mark Phelan:  Right, yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Not always.  Sometimes it can get a little intense and you need to move a little bit, but –

Mark Phelan:  That’s when it's almost like Morse code – R, R, J, J.  M!  M!

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [Laughs] A new way to communicate.  There you go.  Yeah, I like that.

So we're back to the question.  So these are things that the man, if he wants to have more oral sex that he wants to have “special occasions” or add some variety, these are some things he can do.  Add a toy.  Add some new techniques.  See what she likes.  He might even want to add a little anilinguis.  And for those listeners who may not know what that is - I think you know what that is, Mark.

Mark Phelan:  I think I can figure it out.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [Laughs]

Mark Phelan:  Let me see.  Anal - linguis.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  There you go.

Mark Phelan:  Um - yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  And a lot of women and men find that very, very pleasurable.  Now some people, again for those who don't know what that is, it's just running your tongue along your partner’s anus.

Mark Phelan:  You could do the alphabet back there too.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  There you go.  It's like oral sex on the anus.  There are a lot of really concentrated nerve endings in our anus and you don't even have to stick anything in.  Just around that area it's really pleasurable for a lot of people. 

Some people worry about germs or dirt.  You know, obviously when you're having any kind of sex, it’s always good to be clean first.  So make sure you’re nice and clean.  If it's really a concern for you, you could always use a dental dam or Saran wrap.  A dental dam is - well, rather you can buy one but rather than doing that you can just take a condom and you can cut off the tip and then you could cut lengthwise so you have a sheet of condom, of whatever that may be.  And then you can use that as a barrier between your tongue and your partner’s genitals.

Mark Phelan:  Yeah, that sounds stupid.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Well, it's good if you are with maybe a –

Mark Phelan:  A hooker.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [laughs] Yeah, don't do anilinguis with a hooker!

Mark Phelan:  No but it just - that then - so, OK, now I obviously, there is no doubt –

Dr. Lori Buckley:  But if you are with a new partner.

Mark Phelan:  Using condoms is the best thing in the world, you know, to be safe and everything else.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Oral sex, too - you can get STDs.

Mark Phelan:  But you'll get a mouthful of latex.  It's like yuck.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Well, you can use Saran wrap.  Again, if you're in a long-term, committed relationship and you feel that your partner is faithful and there is safety there, there is really no need to worry.  But if you are with a new partner, you definitely want to take that into account.

So as far as oral sex goes, you know there is just - you just think about doing something differently.  We all get into our patterns and I can't tell you listeners what that is because you all have your own pattern.  And I am sure that you do.  And next time that you go down on your partner think about what you're doing and realize, “What do I do always the same?”  You probably have your special technique that has worked for you in the past.  And that's great.  So you don't want to give it up.  But you want to try something different.

So if you are used to using the tip of your tongue, try using the flat part of your tongue, or vice versa.  If you are used to doing circles, try doing vertical lines – the I so to speak.  Or if you are used to being firm, try starting out really, really softly.

Mark Phelan:  Now, as a guy, if I'm watching porn, I mean not the hard-core porn that is really just slam bam, thank you mamm.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Right.

Mark Phelan:  More of the subtle stuff like “Sapphic Erotica” kind of thing with two women.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Uh huh.

Mark Phelan:  If I'm watching a woman go down on another woman, is that a technique I should be looking at because I'm figuring, hey they’ve got the same equipment.  They should know the better way to do it.  Now I mean is this a myth or not?  Do women know how to go down on a woman better than a man does?

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Probably not necessarily because the woman might go down on the woman the way that she likes, that she enjoys oral sex.  So we are all different.  All women are different.  All men are different.  All people are different.  And we need to again, communicate with our partner.

There is no technique, you know.  Remember there was that Seinfeld episode?  There was like the secret - I forget what it was –

Mark Phelan:  Oh yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  The secret twirl or something like that.  There really is no one technique.  The best technique is communication.  It doesn't have to be verbal communication.  I mean your partner doesn't have to sit there giving you directions as if she is guiding you through some unknown territory, although I guess it is in some ways unknown territory.

So verbal is one way to communicate.  But if you just really pay attention to her nonverbal cues - is she breathing heavier or is she arching her body toward you little bit more?  Is she grabbing your head and pushing it down?  Pay attention to those nonverbal cues, really, really important.

Mark Phelan:  So from the first time things are getting hot and heavy, I want to please you.  I want to do anything.  I want to drive you crazy.  I mean is it incumbent upon the woman to tell the guy, “I like it like this.  You should try this.  I want it this way.”?

Because I know subconsciously I feel confident but then again if I'm going to town and I feel like I am really hitting the spots and I'm thinking, “Well, should I do it a little harder, you know get a little more vocal?”  - all the things that may or may not turn somebody on or turn somebody off.  Because I know what it's like to all of a sudden something happens and it's like, “Geez”, you know somebody starts bitching about fricking housework or something in the middle of it.  It's like, “Hello!”  Screeching halt.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So what's your question? [Laughs]

Mark Phelan:  Could that be more vague?  The question is –

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yes.

Mark Phelan:  Is it incumbent if I say, “What can I do to drive you crazy?”

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Mmm hmm.

Mark Phelan: Now, I'm leaving the door open.  So the woman should be able to tell me.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah.

Mark Phelan:  But then again if –

Dr. Lori Buckley:  It’s too big of a question.

Mark Phelan:  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  It's too big of a question.  When you say, “Tell me –

Mark Phelan:  I like it dirty like I’m a biker whore!

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah - tell me what you want.  If you say, “Tell me what you want” or “What do you want me to do to you?” or “What do you like?”  It's too big.

Mark Phelan:  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  And you know, sometimes we're uncomfortable talking about that, or embarrassed.  That's one aspect of it.  But the other one is oftentimes, and this is what Betty Dodson taught me, is that we don't know and I never really thought of it like that but we really don't know.  So it's really nice to give a smaller either/or question.

Do you like it when I do this or this better?  Do you want me –?

Mark Phelan:  Like an eye test?  Is it better this way or this way?

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Exactly.  It's funny; I just had a couple say that to me the other day when I was giving them this example.  Is it like an eye test?

Do you want me to put a finger inside you? Do you like it when I put one finger or two fingers?  Do you like it when I rub your clitoris?

Mark Phelan:  If your hand is smacked away, it's a good sign.  That's not good.

Dr. Lori Buckley: Right.  Pay attention to the nonverbal cues.  Right.  And remember, this is difficult.  Communicating sexually is difficult for most of us.

Mark Phelan:  Because it is so intimate and you don't want to - you finally get to that point, the blood is boiling and the last thing you want to do is blow it.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, and women especially are very sensitive to men’s egos.  We believe, and I don't think this is necessarily a true belief, I mean I think it's a false belief or a myth in the sense that we are going to just squash their egos and men will be forever affected, but that if we tell them what we like or what we don't like that, you know they are going to, it is just going to affect them so strongly that they are never going to want to be with us again.

Mark Phelan:  Mmm hmm.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  We need to be mindful of how we communicate.  Clearly we don't want to be insensitive or negative.

Mark Phelan:  There is also that little Madonna/whore thing.  I mean you want the woman to just say, “OK, ravage me.”  But then again, if she comes across, you were thinking of a nice, sweet girl and then all of a sudden, “Fuck me you fucking son of a bitch, get your big cock-”

Dr. Lori Buckley:  [Laughs] There’s your whore!

Mark Phelan:  Yeah, I mean, you know.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, but you know some people like that.  And that's great.  But then again you need to play with that and communicate with that and find out what it is.

Mark Phelan:  Right.  And the last thing you want to do is jump into that and then you watch this blanched look on the face of your lover going, “Oh my God.  How do I get out of here?”

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Which brings to mind another Seinfeld episode - do you remember the - did we talk about this?  I don't think so.  We talked about talking dirty on the last one we taped together.  But where Seinfeld was with this woman and she kept saying, “Talk dirty to me!”

Mark Phelan:  Right.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  “Talk dirty to me!”  And he didn't know how to do it and he said something like –

Mark Phelan:  He joined in, exactly.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  He said, he said, “Did your mother lay out your panties for you?” or something.  Yeah. [Laughs]

Mark Phelan:  And then she freaked out about it, which is even - even George said, “What does that mean?”  But that's exactly my point.  He thinks he's getting, “OK. You said much dirtier things than I.”  “No I did.” “No I think you're weird.”  “What did I do?”

And then I know that moment as the door closed, going, “Shit”.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  And then we get back to safety.  When we are given a negative message like our partner looks at us with that look or they pull away, what does that do to us?  Just like when the man grabs his partner's boob and she rejects him, it feels rejecting.  He then doesn't want to do anything anymore.

Gosh I hear those stories all the time.  You know, a partner will say, “Well I want her or him to be more vocal” or “I want them to do this or that”.  And they say, “Well yeah, I did that once and you laughed at me or you turned away from me.”  And then they stopped.

So it's so important that we are mindful of our partner's feelings.

Mark Phelan:  Isn’t it amazing how good our memories are when it comes to bedrooms?

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Right.  Especially women.  We don't forget a thing.

Mark Phelan:  Well, isn't it true too that it becomes like a control issue?

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah.

Mark Phelan:  You've been a dominating, pain in the ass.  Guess where I have control?

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yes and no.  I mean I suppose it feels controlling.  But remember when somebody wants to be in control it's really about not wanting to feel something else.  So usually that's rejected or unloved or unappreciated or not listened to.  So when we can then feel “in control” it's not about being a control freak.  It's about not dealing with their having to feel those other things that we want to avoid.  And that's really important to know.  And again that's a huge topic but I think we need to wrap up.

But I just want to make sure we answer this listener’s question.  When we're talking about oral sex and trying new things, it always comes down to communication.  Hopefully you have some good ideas.  Again, to remember that if you work on the connection of the relationship and the seduction and the loving gestures all day long and you do what you need to do to ensure relaxation of your partner, and then let her know that this is about her, that you want to please her, she will be much more open-minded to trying new things and then obviously in pleasing you as well.

So that's one thing.  And the other message is, if you are doing something that works, your “technique” and you find yourself in a pattern, which we all get into because we are habitual creatures as humans are, do it differently.  Anything you do differently - just do it differently.  So try that.  And I hope some of these things work for you.

Please let us know.  We always want to hear your questions and your comments.  You can write me at [email protected].  If you would like transcripts of this show or any other shows, please go to www.personallifemedia.com and you can get copies of those.

Announcer:  Find more great shows like this on personallifemedia.com