Episode 30: When You Hate Everyone

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Ever been a state of mind where you couldn’t stand to be around anyone; where you felt like everything that everyone did was intolerable and wrong? Hear commentaries from people on what they find most annoying about their fellow human beings when they fall into such a mood. Also, the story of a four-day stint of “hating everyone,” and the lessons learned.

Transcript

Woman: This program is intended for mature audiences only.

[musical interlude]

J : Ever been in a state of mind where you hated everyone? Or hate is too strong of a word, were you ever so annoyed or frustrated with people that you felt like everything that they did was intolerable and wrong? It's a state of mind that’s rarely admitted; basically, we're too polite.

A lot of what we do at One Taste is to explore the taboo subjects in life - sex, relationship dynamics, orgasm. So I figured what better taboo than to talk about hating everyone in a world where the ideal is to love each other all of the time. I'll be honest, this podcast has its origins in a recent personal experience where for four days I couldn’t stand to be around anyone. Everything that everyone did was annoying, every interaction had the potential for disaster.

[musical interlude]

From One Taste Urban Retreat Center in San Francisco, we bring you “A Taste of Sex: Reality Audio.” A podcast featuring personal stories and perspectives from people engaged in the conscious exploration of connection, sensuality, and relationship. Today’s topic “When You Hate Everyone.” Part 1, we'll hear from a few people on what it's like to be in such a state of mind. Part 2, my four-day trek into the terrain. I'm J , stay tuned.

“So I'm wondering whether you ever go into states where you just totally annoyed by people. Have you ever woken up [xx] and you stabbed your toe and then all of a sudden, one thing after the other after the other starts to unfold in an agitating sort of way?

Woman 2: It's kind of like that, so if I'm already agitated, all of a sudden, everyone’s annoying. I'm seeing all the little things about them that piss me off. Maybe the things that normally I'd find endearing like the way that a friend of mine might chew her food would be driving me insane.

J : What else drives you insane?

Woman 2: So I teach yoga and people come to the class and they expect to just from having shown up, they’ll get this enlightening experience without actually having to do the work. So they’ll get into a pause and look sort of like a wet rag hanging on a coat hanger, just like dropping and drooping in a pause.

J : This is what drives you crazy?

Woman 2: It drives me crazy when people are seeking their awakening but they're doing it from a place of apathy. They don’t really care, they just want it to happen, so the laziness. It drives me insane because all human beings have such incredible potential. To not be utilizing it, it really grinds on my nerves and it frustrates me because I see the potential and it feels like it's just thrown it away.

J : Do you ever go into a state where you're just totally annoyed by everyone? You just totally hate everyone, everything that you do is just like you can't believe it.

Woman 3: Yes.

J : What it's like for you?

Woman 3: I'm irritable and I'm impatient. Everyone has to get that fuck out of my way and don’t tell me what to do.

J : Oh, yes, right. [laughs] This is a big one for you.

Woman 3: Yes.

J : Yes. What are the things that you find the most annoying about people when you're in such a state?

Woman 3: If they’re bad drivers and they're slow and they're not paying attention. You know, waiting too long at the light. If they're super chilly and super happy and they're like, “Oh, honey, you're doing…” “No, I'm fine. Leave me alone.” Or they laugh, yes, they laugh at me.

J : I have one more question and that is how do you get into such a state of mind? Is it something that happens and then all of a sudden you're annoyed by everyone? Or, is it like just that mood comes over you and then you're annoyed by everyone?

Woman 3: I can say that this morning that happened to me and I felt like a bad communication happened. I wasn’t happy with what happened. Then I was just like, “I just didn’t want to do anything and I didn’t want to be bothered.”

J : Were you annoyed with other people, not just the person that you’ve had the bad communication with?

Woman 3: So how I dealt with it today was just to be like go into my own world and get a job done but didn’t want to relate to people for a while. I didn’t want to have fun. I didn’t want to lighten up because I was pissed off.

J : All right. Thank you.

Woman 3: You're welcome.

J : Did you ever get into place where you just hate everyone?

Man: Absolutely.

J : Where are those times?

Man: I have like this wellspring of patience that goes really deep like I usually manage it and keep going. There are some points where my patience just runs out, either I'm tired or put too much energy out or haven’t taken care of myself, I forgot to eat, I forgot to sleep, sort of thing. In my patience, it's almost like it's digital, it just goes from fully patient to not patient at all. At that point, I pretty much despise everyone in my vision.

J : What do you despise them for? What are the most annoying things that they do in your life?

Man: Pretty much that I have to see them, feel them, smell them, know they're in the same room. If they talk, it's worse; if they look at me, it's not so bad; if they ignore me, then they're socially acceptable. But if they're getting in my way from where I want to get to or even if I just want to sit there and they're coming up to ask me where the bathroom is, then I pretty much hate them.

J : How do you maintain composure or do you?

Man: I usually maintain composure because I have vast self-training in not chewing my cards but I'll try to get myself out of the way as much as possible. Sometimes, I'll actually bleed out, you know, that little “Fuck you” will slip out of the side of my mouth so I have to get out of the room as soon as possible.

J : So how do you get out of the way? Do you actually leave or go and hide places or what do you do?

Man: I leave. I usually find an errand that takes me [xx] myself or my favorite thing is really to get a cup of coffee and a good book or just to spend some time by myself. It usually doesn’t last very long or if I watch one movie, I'm pretty much refreshed for a couple of weeks. So it doesn’t take a lot.

J : Thanks.

J : Do you have times when you just hate everyone?

Woman 4: Yes.

J : What's it like?

Woman 4: It will start out like I'll be going about my day and then people will be around me and it's just their energies or their voice will feel like sandpaper. It's not quite on my skin but just like on my personality and it will feel like everyone is grating on me, everything they're saying or doing. They're not talking to me; they're just talking with each other, being themselves, especially if they were laughing out loud, it just bugs me. Then I'll be pissed, I'll be angry. I'll just want to be nasty to be everyone. I'll just want to say really mean things.

J : Are you?

Woman 4: Oh, yes. So I think there's a way that we hold end to be good people and protect people. But sometimes they like it, sometimes they're like feels good to have someone being ridiculously mean or rude. If someone says they're over the top way, I think it's easier to take [xx] so you can be “Oh, yes, I'm like that.” I'm like, “Oh, your crazy bitch!” [laughs] It can be fun for everyone instead of just sitting there seething, which I also do when I hate everyone. I'll go through that “Piss off” thing and then I'll just close and I won't want to talk to anyone.

So I'll walk around and I'll be walking through the residence of the business. I'll just ignore people and they’ll talk to me. I'll just look ahead and keep on going and pretend that I didn’t hear them. Sometimes they get fun reactions out of them, just watching how people deal with it. If they’ll be like, “Did you hear me?” or they’ll laugh and tease me about it or if they’ll just pretend they didn’t see anything in the first place. So that’s also fun.

J : Do you actually have fun while this is happening or you just too pissed off to actually enjoy it while it's in the process?

Woman 4: I think if I was trying to be any other way than exactly how I wanted to be, I would be really pissed and resentful. But then, if I feel like talking to you, I'll ignore you. If I feel yelling at you, I'll yell at you. Then from that, I can have fun with it because I'm actually going where it feels natural to go. So that it feels good because at least I'm getting it out and I'm doing exactly what I want to do. So then that feels OK. But if I was holding it in and trying to be a really good girl and keep on going and be really nice to everyone and do all my work really well and actually it wasn’t there, then I will really be hating everyone and then I wouldn’t be having fun. I would probably be a lot meaner when I actually came out.

J : Thank you.

[musical interlude]

J : So that was that. If you were curious about One Taste and want to learn more about the philosophy that encourages us to really get to know ourselves, our part – the bad, the good, the ugly, the sacred, the profane, all parts. You can hear sample from Nicole Daedone, the founder of One Taste by going to the following URL, OneTaste.us/allparts.

OK, here's Part 2. It's taken from a recent entry from my journal. Today was Day 4 of being in it. By in it, I mean, a little out of my mind. It's been four days of hating everyone and I mean everyone. I live with 45 people and there are only about two that I'm willing to talk to. Even Christina, whom I usually love, felt intolerable. I considered it a victory when I told her I was just going to keep working after she snuggled up to me and said that she wanted to talk. Victory because I didn’t say any of the mean things that were going on in my head like, “You're needy and you don’t really care about me. You just want attention.”

I walked around with my head down avoiding eye contact as much as possible. Most people know enough to leave me alone. Some are Marines in the sense that they relish a good challenge. They see me and it's like a chance to go on a mission. No matter that the odds of success are rather low. They call out, “Hey, J, what's going on?” “Hey,” I say and keep walking so as to avoid a conversation I really don’t want to have. I walk into the front room where people watch movies and everyone’s head turns. Not because they're bad people but because that’s what humans do instinctively when someone walks into the room. They look, I still hate them for looking.

[musical interlude]

The truth is, they don’t have to do anything from me to hate them. Everything is annoying. They laugh too loud; they're needy; they grab for attention; or they're lost in their own worlds. If you think I don’t see the hypocrisy here, guess again. Still, it's annoying, and the verifiable reason for condemnation. The predominant thought in my head, “Why is everyone so stupid?”

To deal, mostly I hide. Let me tell you, it is a feat to find a private place to hang out alone when you live with 45 people. But I know all the places – there's the couch upstairs at the Center; there's the small room behind the massage studio. If you're desperate and it's night time, there's always the floor at the CFO’s office, which I've done a couple of times, diving in my sleeping bag and pillow and reading until I fell asleep.

You’ve been listening to “A Taste of Sex.” We'll be back after this short break.

[podcast break]

J : Welcome back to “A Taste of Sex.” I'm J .

How, you might ask, does one enter such a pathological state? To be honest, this particular one is a bit of a mystery. I rose early Saturday morning for a hike with my Mom and 1½-year-old niece in the [xx]. I had a really good time stirring my very cute, verbaling niece who is strapped into her very rugged stroller up and down the steep trails. After, we had lunch at my sister’s house. The whole thing was very [xx] so I was happy enough when I walked back into the open loft space where the 45 of us live.

Then, less than 30 seconds later, walking down the second of three stairs that lead into the main space, it was like a Poltergeist to cover my body. Seriously, I felt some unknown energy enter and alter my mood. Then my friend, Robert, walked past me and said, “Good time with Mom and sis?” But didn’t wait to hear the answer. All of a sudden, it was like no one really cares about me, no one really cares about me. Just my perspective in the moment, but in those moments, who has perspective? I head it straight for my bed, lay down, and fell asleep.

I got up when I heard Ben, who’s like an ex whom I still have a sexual relationship with. He was near the bathroom and I got up to go see him. Awkwardly, I try to pretend that we were meeting accidentally as if I didn’t really care whether he talked to me or not, which of course, wasn’t true at all. I knew I was sinking and I wanted attention. He was on his way out and so I came away from the interaction more bummed than before I started.

The feeling got worse later than night when Stephanie, the 23-year-old, with whom I share a space, woke me up at 12:30 a.m. to announce that she probably wouldn’t be coming home that night. She was going out with Ben so that he could introduce her to a woman he thought she would like. “Great!” I thought. The two people I pay the most attention to are going out without me and I'm not even invited. I muttered, “Have a good time.” I rolled over and cried.

I woke up Sunday’s still in a foul mood. After gathering my books and writing materials, I headed straight for the yoga room. I stayed there all day, sitting on the couch and reading “A General Theory of Love,” which is an amazing insightful book written by three doctors about the scientific and psychological nature of love. I grew [xx] when I read the part about attachment. The doctors write that children of mothers who are anxious and unpredictable seem fine in their mother’s presence but are anxious and insecure as soon as their mothers leave. Later, as adults, they're prone to painful breakups, a fact that I can verify as true from personal experience.

There is a sensation that I dread and it comes every time I break up with someone. It's like needles running through my blood. From my work at One Taste, I know that change is possible. It is so incremental, painful work but I have seen real transformation in myself and in the people around me. Still, the idea of how hard it is to undo what was done so long ago was something else to feel depressed by.

In the afternoon, the text messages started rolling in. From Amy, “Love you, J.” From Ben, “Hey, J, want to hang out?” From [xx], “Jud, what's going on?” and more, about eight of them. I knew that Robert, who always knew what's going on with me even when I don’t talk to him, had engineered this show of affection. I cried a little but stayed firmly [xx] on the yoga room couch and didn’t reply to any of the text.

Monday morning, it's a new day. My foul mood is starting to lift. Robert asks if I want to have lunch. We go to Custom Burger, order salmon burgers and sit down at the square white [xx] table. “So what's going on?” he asks. His bets were on Mom and sis. I tell Robert it was more about feeling alone, like no one really cares what happens to me. I tell him that I look at our community and wonder, “Do I really want to be part of this?” We're changing, we have been start up in its first phases, running wild like a filly who has never been rode, and now we are starting to impose structure, which drives me crazy. Whenever there are rules, my instinct is to break them.

This question of whether to stay or go is not a new one for me. It comes up with nearly every bout of intense emotions. I think about leaving One Taste and start planning my escape. I will move in with my sister and take care of my niece. I will go into documentary filmmaking. I will get an apartment where I can live alone. This time around, I also thought about flying to India on a spiritual quest. I have to admit the India one is not original. Someone else I know who is going through a hard time came up with that one.

Living at One Taste, you're witness in all states – happy, sad, neglectful, sloppy, slothful, workaholic, turned on, blissed out. It's intense, on top of being witnessed, you are also witnessing. Every way you look, you see your shadow through the bodies of the people around you. These are the parts of yourself that you deny. You see the body woman who pouts when she does not get way or the person who sees frailty in someone and condemns with harsh judgment. Or the way women look to their boyfriends for answers rather than relying on themselves. Then there are the people you judge because they are just different from you. They are loud or giddy or rude in some way that is just offensive. It's confronting and intensely intimate. Most people have a hard time doing it with one person, try it with 45.

So every time I want to leave, I look inside, “Do I really want to leave? Will it change in circumstances really bring me what I want?” I ran through it with Robert, the answer is still unclear. I tell him, “I just don’t know. Maybe I will go to India.”  About an hour later, I started to grow angry at Robert for no particular reason. I know enough about my internal state to know that anger after depression is a sign that I am waking up. It's like I'm going from none to feeling. Unfortunately, that first feeling is often anger.

Later that night, Ben provides another excuse for anger. Twice, he’d call during the day. I pushed him into voicemail the first time, but on the second I picked up to hear a measure of panic in his voice, saying he was worried and won't I let him take care of me. I said yes and then he shows up late for our sleepover date. I walk away from him, he follows. Three times I yell at him and tell him to go away. Three times he goes, and to his credit, comes back, finally asking if he can massage my feet. How can you say no to someone who wants to massage your feet?

He's at the foot of my bed, massaging my feet, looking at me like a puppy that just wants to be loved and now I am sad and not so angry. He asks can he lie down, and without waiting for an answer, inserts himself between me and the brickwall next to my bed, wrapping his arm around me. He whispers that I'm loved by everyone, they just don’t understand me. He holds me all night, and we do our practice of orgasmic meditation together in the early morning. I felt content and taken cared of, until I see Robert and remember that I'm angry. I pick a fight.

Robert’s phone rings and I walk away, furious, still arguing with him in my head. I feel the heat of the anger pulsing through my body. Then I feel myself on the border between sensation and emotion, fluctuating back and forth between the two. The sensation is electricity ringing in every [xx]. The emotion is linked to the thoughts in my brain. And then I noticed how my mind is looking for thoughts that will justify the anger. Like I start to think about Ben and get furious at him all over again for being late last night.

Then I feel myself coming out of it. I feel the Poltergeist leaving my body and an eerie calm entering its place. Someone I know tell me that while he was a Buddhist monk at a Burmese monastery, he came to understand that his moods had nothing to do with his outside circumstances. In the monastery, his daily routine never changed - not the food, not the schedule. He wasn’t talking to anyone. The change in mood had come from within.

So I wonder, are our moods incidental or are they more like [xx] rhythms? They come and go and we make up stories to put on top of them. I mean, sometimes things do happen that take you by surprise and lets you into a new state of mind. Then other times, it's like waves passing through – you catch one and you have no choice but to ride it and to take whatever lessons it has to offer. The strange part is that I didn’t want to admit that this particular wave was almost over. There's something about going in that deep with yourself, seeing your despair and your patterns. I wasn’t quite ready to forget.

So I kept ignoring people, telling them I wasn’t in a state to communicate, until Alegra [sp] call from New York and we talked, and then I found myself talking to Nicole [xx] which always means I'm in a better place. When I don’t like people, she is usually the first person I avoid.

Now that I'm not in it, I can ask the questions. Do I really hate everyone and do I really want to leave? In my mind, people are definitely annoying. But even with that, I clearly want to love and be loved; otherwise, I wouldn’t care so much. That’s what my friend, Rachel, says anyway. As far as being here, I'm here because, well, really, I can't think of living any other way. I mean, I could but I've always gravitated toward a good challenge, like in college when I took Physics for engineers even though I wasn’t an engineer and don’t particularly like Math or Physics.

One Taste is the best challenge I know. It's a huge puzzle in relating to teachers, best friends, worst enemies, boyfriends, wannabe boyfriends, men who definitely don’t want to be your boyfriend. Women with whom it is a struggle to be polite and women whom you love but you just can't figure out why, etc. The other reason I'm here is because I know no better way to live into my full potential. I used to feel hostage to my limitations. The constant examination and breakdown and identity at One Taste has helped me burst past these limitations like a runner breaking the tape at the finish line. Except that here, there is no finish line, you just keep going.

[musical interlude]

Thank you for listening to “A Taste of Sex.” For more information about One Taste, our lectures, classes, and workshops, you can find us on the Web at www.OneTaste.us. Remember, if you would like to hear more about One Taste philosophy on exploring all parts of yourself as spoken by its founder, Nicole Daedone, you can go to visit a special URL at OneTaste.us/allparts. Finally, for transcripts of this show, you can visit PersonalLifeMedia.com.

I'm J . Thanks for listening.

[musical interlude]

J : What do you despise them for? What are the most annoying things that they do in your life?

Man: Pretty much that I have to see them, feel them, smell them, know they're in the same room. If they talk, it's worse; if they look at me, it's not so bad; and if they ignore me, then they're socially acceptable.

Woman: Find more great shows like this on PersonalLifeMedia.com.