Episode 26: Who’s Running the Show?
You remember the short, bald man behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz? Each of us has similar characters inside of us. They may not be short and bald, but they are the ones running our life’s shows. They want attention, love, power and play, and whether or not we meet their demands determines how we react to the world. Often, they are characters who did not get what they wanted when we were 6, 8, 10 or 12 and so, they stuck around. Hear five short interviews with people willing to let you in on the somewhat twisted, but always humorous logic of the characters running their shows.
This program is intended for mature audiences only.
J: I have a sexual girl inside of me. The sexual is the one who runs my show. She is the wizard of oz behind the curtain, the one pushing all of the buttons, blowing all of the smoke and defining exactly what it is that I want.
J: Mostly she just wants to be loved. She is shy, she is serious but likes to have fun. She thinks she knows more than the adults around her and she is very very stubborn. She wants what she wants and now. If you don’t give it to her, she’ll throw it up for tantrum.
J: Each of us has these characters inside of us. We didn’t pay them for all ages, ages 6, 8, 10 or 12 and so they stuck around.
J: From OneTaste Urban Retreat Center in San Francisco, we bring you ‘A Taste of Sex’ reality audio, a podcast featuring personal stories and perspectives from people engaged in the active exploration of conscious connection, sensuality and relationship.
This week’s episode ‘Who is running the show’, revealing the wizards behind the curtains.
Part 1- The sexual oz, part 2- interviews with the wizards. I am J, join us and turn on.
J: A friend of mine says I started developing emotionally at age 6. That’s not quite true but it’s at least partly accurate. I can be as sensitive as sexualled and also as Brady. If you say something I don’t like, something that hits deep down in that most vulnerable place, it’s not J the rational adult who hears you, it’s J the sexualled, with her memories very badly wanting her parents to understand her, not being understood and the escalation with crying and yelling that often happened after that.
There are some advantages to be in sex. You are, to a certain degree, an open book. People generally know where you’re at, just by looking at you. You are very honest, you love the people you love, a lot, you’ve it expressing what you feel. The other way that you do so may not always drive with the adult body that you actually live in.
The disadvantage of being asexualled as an adult is that, well you’re sexualled, who is really an adult. If you are sexualled talking to an adult or even to an adult who has another sexualled running their show, it’s easy for miscommunication to arise and while being an open book can be a good thing because you’re vulnerable and real, it also means that everyone always knows how you feel. So you have to endure a lot of questions like, what’s wrong? We need really rather high.
Most importantly, well temperate tensions are usually but not always tolerated in sexuals. They don’t really go over so well when you’re actually an adult, even if you’re sexualled in the skies.
Part 2 – Interview with the wizards.
J: Ok George, so who is running your show?
George: It’s this little boy and I have a picture of him and he has got this bright face but he is all stressed out by some reason, I don’t know, maybe someone yelled at him but he just wants to play and he doesn’t understand why everyone else doesn’t want to play, like what’s all this complicated stuff about? Why can’t we just get down in the sandbox and make sand castles and bulldoze and what’s all this funny stuff about money and budget, like let’s just play.
J: So you get pissed off.
George: Oh just wretchedly pissed off.
George: Like only, like just today I was having a conversation with my friend and she wanted to talk about some, I am not even sure what she was, it just seemed like she wanted to be angry and I was just like, let’s go play. I got these ideas about how we can play, and she is like, no, no, I want to talk about, I want to talk about your anger.
I said, man, you know, maybe I am angry about, sure, but that’s not going to get us close, you’re talking about my anger because you know, that’s like deep-seeded and buried and you know, there’s no anger in the sandbox unless you’re pounding into the sand with your little shovel and you’re like digging your hole and you have in front.
J: So, what were you like as a little boy?
George: Well, I was in my head a lot, to be quite honest, but I had been in my head, in my body, so it be like cruising around Mars with my friends and we’d be like jumping after tree stamps imagining that we’re jumping five times as high because we were super like, and we dug a lot of underground forts, we dug at least three underground forts in my backyards and two, my neighbor’s backyard, I mean just like hanging out and like dig and dig and like pull off thing on top of it and hide off from the parents, who already knew what it was because they saw us standing out for days and days.
J: Was there ever a point where you got angry because you couldn’t be that person anymore, like where you realized that when the adult said, no, you’re too old now to play or when your friend said no one are interested anymore or where you had responsibilities that maybe school or work or something like that.
George: There was one defining moment that I can remember and I will probably remember until the day I die unless I get Alzheimer’s or something but it was the moment I went back to college and I was booking all my classes and I didn’t get half the classes I wanted which were the fun classes and then like stuck in there with always like really boring classes like accounting and like learn how to do a spreadsheet and I was just so fed up and I was wondering why I was learning from all these grown ups that like didn’t actually doing except teach and why wasn’t like out in the sandbox playing with the _______ and that was the day I dropped out of school and decided to go off on like my merry adventure like riding in a boat to Antarctica and like riding horses out in the outback of Australia and like playing with these crazy people building this airtight terrarium out in the middle of Bumfawk, Arizona and yeah, that was the day that I decided that I was too young to not play.
J: Very interesting, thanks George.
J: Who is running your show?
Woman1: I’ll tell you, most of the time there’s a 9-year-old boy and sometimes 10 that runs my show.
J: And what’s he like?
Woman1: He is very goofy. He likes to make a lot of noises and growling and rolling around, kind of a dirty boy like, always has like snarl over him and dirt and doesn’t bathe very often.
J: And how does he run your show, like how does that show up in your life?
Woman1: It’s the goofy part of me that kind of keeps me same through all these serious, intense story is it I am going through and it’s what keeps me alive and full of joy.
J: And then if he gets rejected in some way, like does he get mad ever because he gets rejected?
Woman1: No, he is kind of here and he usually goes to sleep.
J: He goes to sleep. Can you give me an example of that 9 or 10 year old boy like an interaction that you’ve had recently?
Woman1: I had a really good example of that happening. Last night actually at the cuddle party when there were so many people and it was a little bit awkward at first because we were all like kind of tense because what was about to happen, I am cuddling strangers and this girl walked in and instantly it felt my little 12-year-old boy and she had a 9-year-old in her and they just got to play and goof around and make lots of noise, had some growl at each other.
J: Who were you when you were, was it 12 or 9 there?
J: 12, okay. Yeah, I think you said 9 or 10.
Woman1: Oh it goes back and forth, sometimes he is 9, sometimes he is 12, he changes.
J: Okay, so what were you like when you were 12?
Woman1: Very grown up, about 25 probably or thinking I was 25.
J: So then how did this part of you, this goofy 12-year-old, how did that come to be inside of you if that’s not who you were when you were 12?
Woman1: It is who I was but I was kind of shut out a lot of times, like feeling like I had to be more mature than a 12-year-old, feeling like I had to step up always and be responsible for others and so I didn’t get to. I got to play with it some but not as much as I wanted to and so as I got older, it really has come up.
J: So there’s still some part of you that wants to keep coming out like that?
J: And then I have one more question which is, you are obviously a girl and then how is it that a 12-year-old boy lives inside of you?
Woman1: I think it is I always felt like boys have a lot more fun and the whole like getting dirty and rolling around and playing with trucks and egos rather than Barbies, it’s just so much more appealing and when I have voices in my head about the 12-year-old boy, it’s really a boy. This boy is not a girl’s boy. And then when I make like little kid voices, they’re usually boy voices.
Woman1: So I don’t know it’s going to match or…
J: Ok, thank you.
Woman1: Thank you.
J: Well, who is running your show?
Man: Well I think it’s very collaborative effort. I’ve got my 3-year-old. I have lots of memories of when I was 3 and things that I, my relationship with my mom and how I related to her and things that I did, sort of behaviors I did in order to get attention and stuff, I can watch those things actually ached up my psyche in the present day and even in my body sensations, I can remember the sensations in my body when I wanted attention from my mother and she was asleep.
So what I do my mom, as she was sleeping, I would go and tickle her feet so I, because I didn’t really want to wake her up to get attention. So I would do things like I am the sly, and I watch the dynamics I have now, I’d watch like, I don’t want to wake my partner up so I can watch that hunger for attention like just the touch, a hunger for the touch…
J: And then you try to figure out how you can sneak in waking her up.
Man: No, not wake her up but how can I get the physical touch without waking her up. So when my partner turns to me even when they’re asleep and puts their arm around me or puts like some such as cuddling with me and take this, my whole body just relaxes…
J: And must the 3-year-old who is getting what he needs.
Man: Yes, exactly, yeah.
J: So who else is in there?
Man: I definitely have this 13-year-old, all right, even a 12-year-old that loves play. I grew up on New York on 39th street and we used to, my most fondest memories was when I was playing like tag the people around 79th street and running around a four square block and hiding and _________ and whatever, just having good time with other kids and I love playing with people, that way.
J: Anyone else?
Man: I have my 23-year-old, my idealistic 23-year-old and I had this established 46-year-old. So for me like the 46-year-old is just a grand maestro because it’s up to him to integrate all these characters and actually you know, to re-integrate the idealism and the vision because now he is cognoscente like a 46-year-old has the wisdom and all the necessary ingredients to see how the players interact, like that’s the biggest lesson I learn was they all have value and not to discourage them, they’re all a part of me.
You’ve been listening to ‘A Taste of Sex’ reality audio. We’ll be back with more wizard interviews after this short break.
Listen to ‘A Taste of Sex’ erotic poetry reading, a companion program to ‘Life in an orgasm based community’. It’s open mike night at One Taste, San Francisco, a weekly audio program on PersonalLifeMedia.com
J: Welcome back to ‘A Taste of sex’ reality audio. I am J. Jessica, who is running your show?
Jessica: The person running the show for me is the new girl. She really wants to fit in and she really wants attention. When I was growing up I was always moving. I moved and moved and moved, my dad was in the army and so we moved every few years and I was always the new girl and I would start off and I would sit back and I would observe.
I would observe and see ok, what is the culture here, what is going on here and I wouldn’t risk anything until I had an idea of what the language was, who the people were, and then I would become those things, and so I could fit in and really I always wanted the attention, I always wanted to be the best.
I always wanted to be the best and so I remember like in high school, I remember I came in and it was like half way through my first year, my first vineyard and I jumped right to the top of the class and I was like, and that was perfect, that was exactly like what I wanted to be.
I wanted to be sort of the new girl kind of mysterious then boom at the top getting all the attention. I always felt like I have to prove something, like I always felt like I have to show why I deserve to be here, whatever that is, whether its work or home or like in community or whatever.
It’s like I have to prove something so that you will accept me and you will love me and you will have me be part of. It’s really amazing, it’s like I, and watching myself pulling for attention from people, shifting the conversation back to me.
J: It’s almost like you’re the new girl who is never satiated because you’re always thinking you weren’t going to get attention but you wanted the attention and that’s just as never gone away.
Jessica: Yeah, yeah and its strange because its sort of this parallel thing like when I first come in I want to be kind of invisible so that I can observe everything and not get a lot of attention and I am very good at being invisible when I need to be and being totally in spotlight when I feel like I can.
J: Can you give me an example of how this… like a recent example of how this would show up or how to toe up?
Jessica: Well I mean I can give very recent examples, I’ll try to grab it, yeah because I think that’s where I am right now. You know, I was hanging out with some friends and they were talking about some experience that they had had and I can’t remember the detail, I can’t remember the details of experience, so really I am paying attention to what they were saying, I really only cared about what was going on to me.
And so I got enough of a conversation to get there, just of what they were talking about and then immediately putting my piece of help. I experience the same thing, described a circumstance and really actually it didn’t fit all that well with what the conversation was. It was a little off but it was enough that I felt like oh look I relate, I know what you’re talking about, I want the attention, you can put your attention on me regarding this too and then immediately afterwards I noticed it and it was like so embarrassing. It was so embarrassing.
So at least I see it now so it’s like I can watch it, I can see it happen and maybe I can catch it earlier and earlier and find a way to have the attention without being so greedy about that.
J: Do you have an idea of how she can be satisfied?
Jessica: Oh, that’s really good question. She really just wants to be accepted. She just wants to know that who she is, also ok that she is often, try to be anything you know, and try to fit in that she stays. I think so that is just time, I think it’s going to take time and making mistakes and still being loved there and being like weird or self-absorbed or whatever and have that be okay and I think that would satiate her, just knowing that whoever she is, it’s okay and that she doesn’t have to become something else.
I am getting closer to that, you know, I have never stayed in one place longer than, I mean I have never lived in one place longer than three years, four years I guess, four years.
J: So you’ve really always been the new girl.
Jessica: I have really always been the new girl and that’s what makes me run around too because whenever it gets hard, you know, it’s always like, oh well this is always temporary. Everything is always temporary, so I have always got one foot at the door and so it’s like when it gets hard, I’d be like, oh yeah, it’s just going to last a while, it would be gone soon.
J: Thanks Jessica.
J: David, who is running your show?
David: Well, I have got three people inside me, first is the Buddha/Gandhi…
J: You’re going to save the world.
David: Well, it’s not the world I am trying to save, it’s my own little part of it. The second one is a little 8-year-old kid that’s cute, innocent, hasn’t done anything wrong in the world but he is still kind of looking for love, and the third is a playful, curious, dumb.
J: Ok, so lets visit each one of these so the Gandhi…
J: What’s he like?
David: So the Buddha/Gandhi is, if you look at Buddhas, one of the ideas is that we don’t’ become attached to things, because we’ll become attach to things and they don’t happen then ulcer to stress and dysfunction happens in our life, for instance, I have a son and I would love him to get Paul ‘A’s. He is never going to get ‘A’s, it’s just not who he is, he does other things and learns in different ways so if I hang on to his ‘A’s I will not be in a relationship with him but I pull in the Buddha and Gandhi to say now lets be clear about what we can actually have and lets go for that.
So the Buddha taste, we have a longer view of things and I can have a relationship with my son even though he doesn’t get ‘A’s because I am not attached to him getting ‘A’s.
J: So this is your very pragmatic side.
David: This is the way I kind of manage my stress.
J: Number two is the 8-year-old boy.
David: 8-year-old boy.
J: What’s he like?
David: Well, so the image I have is an 8-year-old boy, squeaky clean, hair-parted, clean clothes, just standing there with a little bag lunch in a new place, just saying will you accept me?
J: Oh so he is kind of shy?
David: He is new. He is a little bit shy but he is confident, he believes that he is valuable. He just is looking for a little external validation that he is accepted and he is loved, that he can have intimacy and he can have the things he want and so there is a softer side that just kind of goes into an environment, the people, and just asks to be accepted.
J: Number three is the playful, don.
David: Playful, curious don.
J: Man or woman?
David: Absolutely man, that’s what I had done up and actually Gandhi is a piece of that. Gandhi is a don.
David: Martin Luther Kind is a don.
J: Okay, explain that.
David: Okay, these are people who identify with that are very clear in their convictions, are very clear in creating a safe place, a new world, a new environment, new reality for their followers and so the way I like to live my life is if I see things that may be done and I am a teacher and professor, okay, if I see that there’s a certain way that students need to go to learn something of value to them, I will take them here and I will essentially don them in a place to it.
I had been given gifts of influence, just from who I am and so I choose to use those things with people around me saying I know where you want to go, sometimes you don’t, sometimes you have edges, sometimes you have resistance and so my relationship to them can be help, push them through that resistance.
J: Okay, so and then with the don, does it ever show up like in a controlling way, like in relationship or yeah…
David: The dark side of don?
David: For me there isn’t because for me don is not about my ego, it’s about service and as long as I have the goals usually stated by the people themselves that I am trying to don, it’s almost I have their goals and aspirations in my mind then I use my resources and skills to help them get what they want.
J: I want to go into how each of these shows up in your life, like the Buddha/Gandhi, you gave an example with your son but I am wondering like the person inside who is running the show is reacting to external circumstances and so I am wondering like how each of these like kind of comes out, just how does it go? Does that makes sense?
David: Yes, the Buddha is both proactive and reactive.
David: So I will try to meditate, I will try to read things and try to fill my mind with thoughts that kind of leave me to like all peace as I go through the world. The reactive is when I am starting to feel stress, I am feeling lot of tension in me then I’ll start to step back and say, okay, in a sense, I should be a little braced at, you know WWBD, well the Buddhu, but you know it’s just kind of thing ok, relax, is this really good or bad, you’re tributing something bad to it which is why I am feeling the tension and the stress, is that really the case?
J: And what about the 8-year-old boy? Because that one seems like, that would be like your more sensitive side, I would imagine? Yeah, so how does he, when is he reacting, when is he coming up?
David: When I am hurt. When I am hurt, when I am feeling lonely, right now my lifestyle, because I am a single dad, is I am isolated a lot because I have chosen not to work, I can so just be a dad for him, and so I am alone a lot and so there’s a lot of that little boy just kind of saying, doesn’t anybody like me, and so the piece that the little boy is helpful with is it creates a very soft place in my heart for what other people are going through and for being open to people.
J: Would you like this when you were 8?
David: It goes back to 8, I haven’t really talked to my parents about that. I think that there were times in my life when we moved to different schools where I was the 8-year-old boy and I didn’t know anybody and there are all these little flicks of kids and I did feel like an outsider and it was hard to break in and I was lonely and I was sad about not having friends.
So you know, 8, 9, 10, 11 there was, I went to four different schools in four years and so there was a lot of that happening then.
J: And so it just stayed with you?
David: That’s been a big impact to kind of think but I think it’s a good kid and just not having friends. I have had lots of friends since then and I feel easier making friends now but there’s still that piece of me that’s soft and just kind of wondering if some still like me.
J: Thank you for listening to ‘A Taste of Sex’ reality audio. If you have comments or questions or you just want to tell us about who runs your show, write to us at [email protected].
If we have peaked your interest in OneTaste, you can find us on the web at onetaste.us and finally if you’d like a full transcript, go to personallifemedia.com. Thanks for listening, tune in next week.
J: Do you want to talk about anything else? Do you have any other examples?
J: Of like the little boy that just wants to come out.
David: Oh just the other day, I was making dinner and like I am in the café and I am like slicing everything up and I am putting it up and I was kind of looking at it and I was thinking oh what else could I do and I certainly looking at the collars and I found like purple cabbage in a wrap, it’s like green kale and the purple cabbage, we have like little pizzas and then I had a few carrots left over and I thought ________ really good.
I am sure that the carrots, I mean absolutely different taste-wise but damn, it worked for.
J: And not just the little boy who wants to, like just experiment with things.
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