Episode 9: From Girl to Woman Part 2
From Girl to Woman Part 2with Nicole Daedone
Announcer: This program is intended for mature audiences only.
J: Hello and welcome to ‘A Taste of Sex’, a reality audio show on life in an orgasm-based community. I am J. Each episode is a peek into the private lives and thoughts of community members who live and work together at One Taste Urban Retreat Center in San Francisco.
On this week’s episode we continue our two part series on the importance of sexuality in making the transition from girl to woman.
On this episode Nicole Daedone, Founder of One Taste reflects on what it means to be a woman. Nicole shares some of her personal story and her observations as a teacher watching student’s crossover the threshold from girl to woman. She also shows her insights on what it takes for a woman to consciously open her sex.
I don’t think I had ever considered the question of what it means to be a woman before I came to One Taste, but once here, I began to notice a difference among the women who had made the leap into consciously exploring their sexuality. They seem more confident, less apologetic and less scared.
But what is it really that changes as you begin to claim your sex? Nicole Daedone, Founder of One Taste, is a woman who has committed not only to her own personal journey but also to helping others find their way through the maze of their identities, culture and sex. Nicole began our interview by considering the question of just what it means to be a woman.
Nicole Daedone: I think what defines a woman is her point of reference and there comes a point where no longer am I looking outside of myself either to a culture, another person, to my lover, to my mother to define who I am but I am looking to much deeper internal place to define myself and when I am in relationship with that part of myself and that’s the primary dictator of my reality, I begin to step into womanhood and the results are varied but the primary point of reference is the same.
J: I have noticed that it seems like a lot of women, they walk through the doors of One Taste, they have their affectations of girls and that it is only after they’ve, if they enter the community, after they’ve been here for a while that you start to see their womanhood come out. So I am wondering where do you think that comes from, like why do you think it’s so hard for women to actually be women as opposed to girls?
Nicole Daedone: Girlhood, as an identity, is an incredibly a victim strategy in the world. It definitely gets attention and gets sort of like empty calorie attention, you get a lot of people looking at you and focusing on you but I think beyond that, I think most women aren’t connected to their sex and that becomes a defining part of becoming a woman.
J: What are some of the other affectations that you noticed?
Nicole Daedone: Well, I think its all of the different ways that someone could communicate, ‘I can’t handle this’ and so confusion is a great one and there are sort of doe-eyed looking off into the horizon affectation as well as any form of difference.
J: So are women just denying their sex or they just don’t want to fully acknowledge, what’s happening?
Nicole Daedone: Well, it’s incredibly expensive to hold your sex as a woman. It means that your identity really does have to be, your primary relationship does have to be with yourself because you’re going to take a lot of hits being a sexual woman in this culture and it boils down very simply to ‘do I want to be with considered a good woman which means basically a girl or do I want to be a true woman, which means feeling all of my turn on’, and that’s a hard, expensive debate on either side but you know it’s, there comes a point where you just can’t take it anymore.
J: What about men?
Nicole Daedone: Right.
J: Do they have to go through the same sorts of transitions or is it an entirely different matter for them?
Nicole Daedone: Well it is. It’s very different as far as I can tell initially and its two fold. So guys are really trained to have women take responsibility for their emotions on the surface level but not only that, guys are trained to have women not take responsibility for their sex, that’s one of the most fascinating thing to me.
I think it will never seize to be one of the most fascinating things to me about guys who come in here because so many of them come in, “I want so much pussy. I got to have yours. I need it. I need it. I need it”, and you know, it sounds like, “Okay, well come on you know, come on in, come on in”, and there’s a sort of island of turned on women who are ready for these guys to come in and the guy rocks in and he is kind of ‘Haa, I really need it’, and invariably there are the guys go running at the door for the entire like, you know….
So I think most men are trained to want sex but most men aren’t trained how to handle what happens inside of them when a turned on woman answers that desire.
J: You’re listening to ‘A Taste of Sex’. We’ll hear more from Nicole Daedone after this short break.
J: This is ‘A Taste of Sex’. On the second half of the show, Nicole Daedone speaks about orgasmic meditation and how the practice can help a woman crossover into owing her sexuality.
Nicole Daedone: Prior to me opening my sex, it was a black hole and it sucked in anything it could, anyway that it could. It was an area of static energy and unconsciousness that was located at my center, that would misapply, sort of like being hungry for a particular nutrient and you keep eating and eating and eating but if you don’t have that nutrient, there’s just this unbearable hunger and that’s how my sex was and so it had me serving it.
This is the best way I can think to describe it and it had all of my partners serving at, whether or not they realized it and in many ways it had my culture serving it because I was constantly living in a state of victimhood and I truly was a victim. I just didn’t realize that where I was a victim to was inside of me and that was the sex that was stealing every bit of pleasure and nourishment and comfort and love that came in.
I couldn’t get enough, but when I finally began to almost like take that fuel that was in there, that had just been my black tar and focus my awareness on, which actually ignited it, rather than it being this energy that worked against me and it became this energy that worked for me and then what began to happen was all of a sudden I was free in ways I had never been free.
I had attention, awareness and love like I had never had before. This unquestionable sensation of scarcity changed not conceptually, not because I wanted to be a good person and be abundant but because I had that actual sensation in my body and so when this sex stops sapping all of my pleasure, all the sudden I began to naturally move into right relationship, right purpose and right living.
I tried many different forms of practice and many forms of sensual practice in orgasm mediation, I just happen to like it. I think it’s brilliant because as a woman, one of the things I was taught is how to pretend like I am turned on, how to pretend like I am orgasmic and that pretending is the primary thing between me and orgasm. So when someone says ‘no, your job here is simply to feel what’s there’, that’s it.
In fact no more and no less, like you are to feel what’s there. If that’s all that I am to do then what begins to happen is I experience this unbelievable nourishment that has me keep coming back for more. I don’t have to cross this threshold of looking a certain way, all I have to do is feel.
J: So what about watching other women where they are starting to take responsibility, starting to take responsibility for their genitals? How is it to watch that and what are some of the markers that you notice along the way?
Nicole Daedone: I think it’s how it is to watch is probably exactly how it is for them to experience it. There’s like a sense of torture in it, there’s a sense of bless, there’s a sense of hope, there’s a sense of hopelessness, all of these feelings, colorless into what sex is, in many ways and I wouldn’t want to take any one of those threads out, that’s what makes it so powerful to experience and watching.
There is always that feeling, “always, always, always a flake. No, no no no, don’t do that one, I did that one, no, oh god, that would definitely doesn’t work…”.
It took me 18 months to get over somebody, 18 months, every single day working on it and tying it and locking it and yeah really what I was unlocking was not me getting over this guy but me beginning to wrestle back my sexuality that I had laid on him and I was so scared to hold that much sex in my own body.
I watch women do this every single day and there are times when I just cringe because it’s embarrassing to recognize that exact same expression in her eye. She looks, I mean she sure is some, and he’s going to save her, everything’s gong to be OK. I watch that and I remember thinking that and I remember thinking that with such conviction, sort of watch that in other woman is really painful but then to watch it and to watch it as a woman who knows what she is going through and to also know that this woman has chosen to be on the path of awakening gives me a lot of hope.
I know the way through that particular field and each woman’s journey is different but I know that I made it through that and so I know that if I can, they can.
J: What are some of the voices that a woman has to answer when she does decide to claim her sex? Some of the voices that come from our culture like perhaps not being a bad woman or…
Nicole Daedone: I think the biggest one is no one will ever want me now. Maybe that’s toward the end but there’s definitely a huge threshold that a woman has to cross being authentically turned on and having dropped all of the different affects, the little girl or the vixen or to just become the raw woman that she is, is an incredibly daunting task.
Now mind you, I think that’s true for every one becoming exactly who they are in any realm. There are some level of ‘if I become who I am, people won’t want me’, and the moment when anyone says, “I am going to do this, no matter what”, is the moment of their awakening.
J: A world of turned on woman, how would that be? Like what do you see that as?
Nicole Daedone: I see it, I don’t know, that’s a good question. I definitely see it as a world where we all can afford to be friends, that much I know and I see it where there’s a lot more available for creation and a lot less focus on what isn’t there.
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