Episode 34: The One For You
Most people can relate to wanting a life partner during at least some point in their lives. But is there really such a thing as “the One,” the perfect compliment of a companion who will stick with you through thick and thin? Does everyone have a “One,” or just a special few? In this episode, we explore the notion of “the One” through two stories. First, a woman who has decided it is just time to find “the One.” Second, a couple whose marriage is stronger than ever, but only because of an affair that threatened to tear them apart.
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J : Every little girl dreams of finding “The One”. Fairy Tales fills our heads with notions of a prince charming who will ride in on his horse and sweeps us away so that we can then live happily ever after. “The One”, is the one who will be our lover, our companion, our soul mate who will travel faithfully with us through life so that we need never be alone.
First of all lets face it there is no such thing as Prince Charming. At least not one who doesn’t at some point show his face as a frog. And Second of all we all have our journeys to take and sometimes you just have to do it on your own. So where does that leave us? What is “The One”, if not that person who will save you from yourself? Can you have more then one” One”? And does everyone have a “One” or is that for just a few special few?
From One Taste Urban Retreat Center in San Francisco we bring you “A Taste of Sex Reality Audio A POD cast featuring personal stories and perspectives from people engaged in the conscious explorations of connection, sensuality and relationship.
On today’s episode we explore the notion of “The One” through two stories. First, a woman who realized it’s just time to find”The One”. And second a couple who’ve been together for 31 years and still like each other as much if not more then on the day they meet, but only because of an affair that nearly destroyed their marriage. I am J stay tuned.
Part One: Looking for “The One”
When she moved into OneTaste Residential Emersion program two years ago Marcy Prohofsky made a conscious decision to temporarily let go of looking for “the one”. Her relationships up until that point had kind of worked but not really. After a certain time in the relationship she always found herself dissatisfied. At One Taste where she would live in community Marcy saw an opportunity to redefine what she wanted out of a relationship, but without the pressure of feeling like she needed to have all her needs meet by one person. Here’s Marcy.
Marcy: I think I let go of the need to have it..it is like One Taste and the people here became my…my primary relationship you know? I was getting filled up by my connections here. You know and there was enough intimacy both physical as well as emotional that that was sustaining me and a big motivating reason why I even stepped in on such a more full time bases was like ok it was recognition that I was doing the way I was doing relationship was great for awhile and then I just started getting really disgruntled.
J: In letting go of having perhaps one partner, correct me if I am wrong but it sound to me like there was almost an intentional letting go of that when you stepped into being a resident of One Taste
J: Then an intentional kind of spanning out kind of like a spider you know like having more then one thread reaching to more then one person so instead of just having that one primary partner your primary partner became a community people. So I am wondering how that helped to and what that helped to loosen up in you such that now you can begin thinking about having a primary partner again?
Marcy: Yeah….well I think I am not as myopic you know in terms of when I related to people. I totally get how important it is for me to stay connected to other people. I can’t get everything I need from one person. And I don’t just mean like you know intimate sex that sort of thing. But you know like I want to hang out with that person because I love the type of humor that they offer. I like that person because we totally brain storm incredible ideas and get into action together. You know and how can I have a life that is really rich and full with all sorts of relationship.
J: Did you find a certain level of satisfaction in having a community be your “one”? And then What’s…What’s the piece that still has you want to reach out to just one person in addition to having a community?
Marcy: Because I really enjoy that. I want to have that fluidity to be able to go back and forth.
J: So to have more of a continuum?
Marcy: yeah, between like the one person where there is incredible focus and other people that I am relating with. I really want to create and offer like the gifts that I have to other people. I totally get that I am not that great at doing that as a solo act. I don’t really want to do it as a total solo act. I think for like an efficiency place I actually get more done when I am doing it in partnership then when I am doing it by myself. And also I want to have someone that is like invested and I am invested in them too. So there is partly that and I just want it.
J: This is a very sensitive topic for you and I am wondering what it touches in you that it becomes that?
Marcy: You think that is unique to me?
Marcy: That I get choked up sort of
J: No I don’t. I think it is universal but I’m wondering if you can say what it is?
Marcy: I can barely talk. The only thing I can think of right now is that it still somehow activates this part in me that thinks that I can’t have it. And somehow I am just alone period. I imagine who’s to say any guarantees but I imagine it still…healing whatever little bits and pieces are in there from being adopted you know it feels like defiantly this young place, young scared, it’s like that little scared part of me that wants to hide that gets activated when in the presence of a lot of love. The interested in having relationship being my priority is coming to the surface and also slowing down to be able to feel more it not rushing off to have the next experience.
J: So do you think that that is perhaps why this desire for “the One” is coming up?
Marcy: Because I am not rushing as much?
J: Not rushing and also because there is this investment in relationship that whether there has been a letting go of the ego.
Marcy: I think that combined with the fact that I am turning 40 in December. It is like OK. Like if I really want to make a family happen I need to actually prioritize. Like get my priorities straight.
J: I am curious what if the family doesn’t happen or what if “the One” doesn’t happen?
Marcy: I think that if it doesn’t happen it is because I naturally change my commitment
to what it is that I want.
J: So then that’s sensitivity that we touched into then that’s …it’s not a fear that it won’t happen it is more like it is just a natural sensitivity that is in there. Is that true?
Marcy: You mean like what is bubbling up right now?
Marcy: I wish I understood it more. You know my mom always love to tell the story about even from an early age I had this huge capacity for love and I was like six months old or something and we were at some 4th of July event and some other baby that was older then me was really scared and I crawled over to comfort the baby. So somehow I just feel like in some ways what it is, is the container of my body and the energy hasn’t yet grown large enough to hold the love that emerges. The energy is just huge
J: So that there is just a desire to love. So does it feel like “the One” is what will allow that to emerge?
Marcy: No I mean I think it’s.. I am on my path and it’s emerging and “the one” will step in and get to be part of the scene.
J: Thanks Marcy.
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Part Two: Living with “The One”
OK let’s say you find the one. What do you do then? We have Ann and Chris here and you guys have been married for how many years?
Ann: Well we got married in 1991 .
Chris: But we actually moved in together in 1979
J: And then when did you first meet?
Chris: Ah we meet in 1976
J: Let’s just go through those statistics again. You’ve been married for?
Chris: So we have been married for what that 17 years? Living together for 29 years and known each other for 31.
J: And for how much of that time together you would say that you considered each other “The One” I’ll start with Ann.
Ann: That first kiss with Chris like whoa something amazing is now happening.
J: And how old were you.
Ann: I had just turned 20 long braids very quiet, shy, dancer
J: Did you have a concept that this would be for a long time?
Chris No oh no, no idea at all and that just happened kind of over time.
Ann: Wow we have traveled so far.
Chris: The day that we meet we were living in this big house together. In Los Altos, artist and musicians and Ann and her boyfriend had moved into that house and I was out on a motorcycle ride with one of the other women who lived in the house and I came barreling in on this motorcycle with this women on the back and she is all giggly and everything. I came walking in.
Ann: Yeah and I was like who is that? It was sort of anti-magnetism. It was a strong reaction of like who is that guy? He is so strutting and arrogant clearly the womanizer of the house.
J: What did you find attractive about her?
Chris: Probably in the beginning it was partly a challenge.
Ann: Yeah it was like next I though oh he is getting around to me now.
Chris: Yeah it was sort that, yeah it was like I’ve been through hmm, hmm, and hmm and oh she is cute.
J: And where was that first kiss?
Ann: We were done with one of the night walk and walked back to the house it was late at night and you’ve seen how it is sitting…fire..talking kinda of wondering when…natural next thing would be some kind of touching you know it is like ok when is it going to happen? But then it gets later and later and it is time for bed and I remember feeling that type of connection. Also being…there is a part of me that is so…ah…truthful? Just so un-socially conditioned and it was very honest for me my truth was we walked upstairs and I said I would love you to spend the night and I don’t want to have sex. I just remember waking up with you.
Chris: I remember that yeah.
Ann: Yeah I guess we both changed our minds.
Chris: Yeah I think we did.
Ann: About not making love.
Ann: We made it through the night but then somehow just waking up and faces rolling over and mouths finding each other and going holy god! This is more then a kiss. I mean just so soft and opening and my whole body opening in a way that..I mean god love my first boyfriend he was great…like first boyfriend, but this was like another league of what it means to be a women in a body and I could feel it just through my mouth.
Ann: In 1978 I went to an amazing dance workshop.
Chris: And it was far away so here on Chris’s end Ann is gone and we were writing letters and making phone calls and stuff.
J: How long was she gone for?
Chris: Ah I think it was just a summer. Actually
Chris: Maybe it was going to be longer, towards the end of the summer, I was still like free and everything good and it was the 70’s so and so I think it was getting towards the end of when she was going to be gone and she says to me she is going to go camping or something she said um she was going to go do something and I had this kind of like Hmm in the back of my head that is like wait a minute. Just some sort of antenna went up, like there is another guy and in that moment something shifted inside me and I think if there is one moment…you said something before about when did we know she was “The One” that is the one.
J: When you were threatened that was the moment?
Chris: ha ha ha Exactly! Hah aha exactly your taking her away!
J: Now I know I want it!
Chris: Yeah exactly yeah yeah! So I wrote her a letter…oh she was going to move to New York! That was what it was.
Ann: In the letter it said I love you. Here I am with this letter I am like Oh great like I am sitting there Chris is now finally turning his heart totally towards me. Here is this other man, who you know I have just connected with and then my previous boyfriend right before Chris writes me and says he wants to get together again. I have had three lovers and they all three converged in one point in time.
J: So what did you think when you got the letter?
Ann: I don’t think it was a conscious thought process it was more on a felt visceral level of just knowing and turning fully toward Chris.
J: What was the knowing?
Ann: See this is where “The One” it might be like he was “The One” very clearly that is where my body that is where I wanted to be.
Chris: Well Ann did come back and moved in with me in San Francisco and we sorta stalled it was noticing this thing was going to go away…this thing called Ann…how to deal…what do you do now? For me I fell into this relationship is about security and that carried for a number of years for me. I have an image that I use to have which is Ann and me in a life boat together and we have somehow escaped something and now we are ok because we are together in this life boat.
J: So then at what point in time did it shift for you? Did it stop being about security?
Ann: It defiantly shifted in 1995, when Chris kind of popped the raft by having an affair.
Chris: I was sort of bizarrely lost at that time I had no idea about anything I have one memory of sitting at our kitchen table in Sausalito and I was putting jam on an English muffin and I remember looking down at the way my left hand was holding the muffin with my thumb and my middle finger and the way the jam was going on it and I just started crying because, and I can’t explain this I had always done it this way, I will always do it this way.
J: Do you think that you knew that you were in some way breaking yourself down? By doing something that was so radical for your relationship?
Chris: How interesting breaking myself down? Oh weird! No I don’t think I did. I actually I probably on some level felt the opposite and I am almost guessing here, that it was like oh no this other thing will help keep me afloat.
Ann: Some people say you get one crisis in your life that if you can get through it changes who you are. Defiantly the life boat got popped and it was the best thing like to be plunged to the center of the earth like Presphone the myth of Presphone and go down and if you can get you know what the crash is for burning all the way and it wasn’t like I am now going to burn all the way. It was just what my system did. I traveled far enough and was awake enough that I was very conscious of like if I am going to be if my heart is going to be shattered I am going to use it to let more love in.
J: Chris how did you tell her?
Chris: I had been at a party with some people with this women and I hadn’t told Ann and Ann said Oh, you were at this thing yesterday and immediately I could have lied and justified and gotten out of it. In that moment I made a snap decision Oh I am not going to lie.
Ann: This rip roaring scream goes through my body. I am like what, what happened say something to Chris on the phone. Slam down the phone. Yeah it was like it was like if a power line goes down you probably you know how when people grab onto a power line and electricity goes through your body. Yeah that set me on a good nine days of not sleeping and not eating and being in defiantly, I guess what some people would call an altered state. I’ve never done drugs but I know I was very surrendered to an experience on a level that is not as present for me now but I know that it still informs who I am to walked so ripped open in that way. The part before you asked who I was before. Always trying to control everything. If I make a phone call what am I going to say and after it what did I say. I was so back to instinct something larger than me was also finally back online. Walking late at night and even my senses you know being able to smell some bodies shampoo three houses down. I was just all open. Wide open.
J: What happened next?
Ann: I remember looking where I was living in the house in our home back along by the on cost and the moment of looking actually in the yellow pages under divorce and knowing some part of me like this is knowing this is the first time I have actually intentionally chosen this relationship. And it was when that I knew that I was, you know what this I might want a divorce I might want out. It wasn’t until I might choose out by looking in those yellow pages and really seriously going I have a choice what do I want? And going Ok, closing the yellow pages and knowing for the first time that I am choosing this relationship.
J: What was your life like after that? I guess how many years that was 1995 you said, so we have gone for 12 years now.
Ann: 13 that is like awesome, it like more awesome every day the real life now with skin it is awesome.
J: How is it for you?
Chris: It is just there is a so much more aware now of what is me and what is Ann and the boundary between us. And when I start putting stuff on Ann I think that was the main thing now I see her so much clearer as Ann and I can love this women called Ann and get all my stuff off.
J: If there were a reason for the two of you to be together for your bodies, your souls your minds to have found each other and to continue to choose each other every day what would that reason be?
Chris: We were and continue to be a hand and glove fit for exploring all the I have to say it dysfunction in the beginning we were so perfectly matched in exploring each other’s dysfunctions and our own together.
Ann: We had a lot of fun.
Chris: Oh yeah we had a lot of fun.
Ann: And sex and everything.
Chris: Sex and the fun and the mouths. Yeah and all that stuff defiantly. We complement each other and it’s for growing, for growing, Ann is on that level like the perfect mirror for me to keep growing.
J: How so? How does that work?
Chris: I am always getting reflected back. Just like Oh god I am starting to take care of her again. And all the other stuff continues to be amazing.
J: Other stuff meaning?
Chris: Oh the kissing, making love.
J: So that hasn’t stopped?
Chris: Oh my god no!
Ann: Oh my god no!
Chris: Our mouth’s really like each other!
Ann: Yeah the whole naked playground it just deepens. If you keep being open as a person and then open to each other it is like whoa this field keeps opening there are new flowers in it or deeper roots.
J: 32 years later how do you think about “The One” and how do you think about it in context of your relationship?
Ann: There is something about having this one person who has traveled so far and deep and faithfully, like that whatever shows up. You know to stay connected and to find the love that is past the pain and the truth that is past the lie and we just have a fucking great time together and we have so much fun it blows my mind that we can have a breakfast conversation I am still finding out new things and how much I still love talking to him. So clothed and unclothed I can continue to have someone that travels with me in such an evolutionary way that it awakens me and turns me on.
J: The other question I want to ask though do you ever feel like having a “One” like having this person that your committing to even if it is on a daily bases do you ever feel like that closes off your options? Does that make sense?
Chris: Yeah I guess the conversation we’re in now…is…we are clearly together…right…here we are and the only thing that comes to mind is monogamy…other women, other men.
J: Non monogamy you mean.
Chris: Yeah, yeah in that we monogamies’
Ann: Are we missing something?
Chris: Are we missing something?
J: So there is that question?
Ann: You know it is interesting I think I would have to reframe it. I don’t feel at all as if I am missing something. It would be just if something else came my way. You know like at One Taste when we went to the women workshop. It is like wow. My experiences that if there were some life survey if my life force really wanted that it is not a threat to the relationship and we would just stay in conversation about it you know and just have fun with it.
Chris: Yeah just exploring it and it a conversation.
J: So you are ready for the ride.
J: Whatever it is.
Chris: Yeah it is not about the safety.
Ann: The ride.
J: Thank You